Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

♪ Roman rotten, rank and ruthless

♪ Caveman savage, fierce and toothless

♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages

♪ Mean and measly Middle Ages

♪ Gory stories, we do that

♪ And your host, a talking rat

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to... Horrible Histories! ♪

Horrible Histories presents...

Ho, ho, ho!

Oh! Agh! Eugh!

Merry Christmas! Santa Claus here.

Oopsy!

Now, when it comes to Christmas,

all you good little boys and girls know

that I am awesome.

I mean, I totally SLEIGH! Ha-ha!

There's SNOW-one better than me! Ha-ha!

Oh, sorry, I've been reading too many cracker jokes again.

But, seriously, I'm an absolute ledge.

But I'm not the only legendary Christmas hero that's ever been.

Er, now, how do I get out of this?

Um... Ohhh!

Oh! Um-um-da!

Oh! Wat-dat-nowd!

Huh! Ohh!

Right, time for bed then, Sam. It's Christmas Day tomorrow.

So, you need to get a good night's sleep. No. Why can't I stay up late?

Child staying up late at Christmas?

Someone call Santa Claus and tell him we've got a naughty one.

Oh!

It's Christmas Eve. Santa's busy.

Presenting the ultimate historical Christmas team...

Sorry. Who are you?

I'm Captain Christmas.

In the Tudor age, I was known as the Lord of Misrule.

I was a bit of a prankster.

When Captain Christmas was near, Tudor people would cheer.

And I haven't come alone.

Argh! Oh! I'm Belznickel from northern Europe

and some parts of North America. Huh?

Belznickel, a fur-clad figure of festive fun.

I bring nuts and sweets for ze good kids

and a whip for ze bad ones.

Really? A whip?

I'm Tante Arie from 15th century France and Switzerland.

Tante Arie, who people believed had iron teeth and the feet of a goose.

I punish children with donkey's ears

and I beat them with sticks soaked in vinegar.

Guys, can we dial down the whole beating thing, please?

I'm John Canoe, inspired by a Ghanaian chief,

and I don't beat anybody.

You see? It's not necessary.

I do force my way into people's homes

and dance until they give me money. Give me money!

Give me the money. Stop doing that. I want it.

Unbelievable. I want the money.

John Canoe, he pesters you with dancing

until you pay him to go away.

And you're absolutely sure Santa Claus isn't available?

What is it with Santa? He's not that good.

He's not the only Christmas spirit that ever existed.

And introducing Krampus!

Rarrgh!

The legend from central Europe who hurts wicked children.

Hurting children? Guys, we need to talk about the whole violence thing

because at the moment, as a team, we're all stick and no carrot.

Sorry about your ceiling.

And finally, from Finland,

the god of the harvest, Joulupukki!

BLEATING

Part goat and part...goat, he's all goat!

BLEATS

Nice of you to join us, Joulupukki.

BLEATS Language!

There are children present.

Right, strike a pose.

When Christmas is threatened and Santa is busy,

call The Other Spirits of Christmas!

BLEATS

I said language!

Or maybe don't.

Hello there. I'm just back from my RAT-ivity play rehearsals.

As you can see, I'm the donkey...again!

I auditioned to be Ickle Baby Jesus,

but, well, let's just say

they didn't like what I brought to the role.

Honestly, it's a stable!

It's not going to smell of roses!

FARTS

Anyway, did you know the Nativity scene was a Christmas tradition

only introduced in the Middle Ages

by a monk called St Francis of Assisi?

BLEATING

Whoever's playing that goat is doing a very good job.

LOUD FARTING

Christmas log. Bonus!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

BELLS RINGING

Thank you, Lord, for the peace you have given us here

in the Order of the Friars Minor.

Come back here, you brute!

Lord, the peaceful tranquillity of our humble home

is perfect for...

DONKEY BRAYS Ow!

Get off!

Will you let go of my...

The tranquillity is perfect for quiet reflection

and the dedicated study of...

Aaagh! Oh!

Ow! Oh!

Right! Ohhh...

Brother Francis, may I have a word?

Of course, Brother Peter. How can I be of service?

It's about the Christmas display thingamajig

you created in the chapel in the cave.

Ah! The live action Nativity scene,

first of its kind?

It's a way for us to experience the Nativity story

in a way that makes it appear real.

Well, it certainly feels real.

You have to admit using actual animals

to surround the babe of Bethlehem in his manger was inspired.

Yes, you know there aren't any animals

actually mentioned in the original story?

He was in a manger where animals eat. It's not a big stretch.

Plus, I really like animals.

OK, look, we all loved your Nativity scene, Francis, but...

Whoa-oa-oa!

Grrrr!

Brother Francis,

could we please give the animals back to the villagers?

Because at the moment, we have a courtyard full of...

Aaaaagh!

MOOING

It's OK, the ox broke my fall!

Ah, divine intervention!

Just another gift from my new Nativity scene...

Ohh!

It's OK. The, uh...

oh, big pile of poo broke my fall!

This way, Your Majesty. Everything's prepared for Queen Charlotte.

Merry Christmas, George.

Mein royal family, I have a very special surprise for you all.

Is Daddy abdicating? At ease. You're not George IV yet.

This way!

Ho, ho, ho, ho! A new Christmas tradition.

SCREAMING

Why is there a tree in the middle of the parlour?

Because I put it there, George.

Ooh! Is it a fancy cake that just looks like a tree?

No, real tree.

This is a German Christmas tradition.

They say it was started by the founder of Protestantism himself,

Martin Luther.

The children find it most enchanting.

There it is, kill it!

No!

SHOUTING

George, please!

Stop it! Your King commands you!

Thank you, George. It's just a tree.

Frisk it for squirrels.

Oh... SHOUTING

No, don't, don't!

No, this is just a lovely... weird tradition

from my wife's native Germany.

And we should respect it

and not frisk it for squirrels.

Unless that's sort of what you wanted.

Nein! No, no, just... just a weird tree.

The tradition is that we decorate the tree

and sing Christmas carols around it

und give gifts!

It's exactly like the yew bough I bring in

and decorate every year, just bigger!

So it's like the Christmas stick?

I love the Christmas stick. Exactly!

It's wonderful. Oh! And I know exactly what we should call it.

Ja? It's Christmas... Mm-hm? ..and it's a tree.

So, we should call it...

the big Christmas stick!

The first big Christmas stick in Britain.

We may have to work on the name.

Not everyone is a fan of Christmas traditions or even of Christmas.

In fact, in 1647,

we Puritans actually banned Christmas in England altogether.

And celebrating it was a punishable offence.

We even changed the word Christmas to Foolstide.

So, not merry Foolstide to you! Thrrp!

All your favourite Christmas carols adapted,

so as not to cause offence to 17th century Puritans around the world.

Sing along to great songs like The First Noel.

Now That's What I Call A Puritan Christmas has been re-branded

because some Puritans find the word Christmas offensive!

Now That's What I Call A Puritan Foolstide

is the perfect album to not celebrate Christmas with.

Don't listen to it today!

One of my favourite things about Christmas is the presents,

unless that present is an album of bad songs about banning Christmas.

My fault for being on Santa's naughty list, I guess.

You don't always get the gift you'd like.

Oh, wait, Anne of Cleves isn't here.

You haven't invited all the ex-wives, have you?

She's the only one left. All our mums are dead.

Three different mothers, all dead.

You'd think I'd remember.

Cooee! Oh, joy, Anne of Cleves is here.

Sorry. I was praying again.

Right, ready.

ALL: Happy Christmas from the Tudors!

It's Christmas and no-one's given me a present yet.

I wonder if Captain Christmas has hidden them?

He loves Christmas so much, we all have to buy him one.

Even the courtiers.

Shall we do presents? Presents!

Well, if no-one's got anything better to do.

I'll go first because I got you guys the best presents.

Is it France? No, it's too small.

It's not Wales, is it? Cos I've already got one.

Oh, you've translated a book

of French and Latin prayers into English.

It's wonderful!

I embroidered it with both of your initials.

Uh-huh...

Seriously, what did you get me?

It's cos I know how much you love religion, Daddy.

You literally started your own church.

Only so he could divorce my mum who died of a broken heart.

Why would you bring that up at Christmas?

I'm quite aware that it's Christmas!

MOCKING SOUNDS

Girls!

It's present time. Read the room.

Daddy, I got you another present.

I knew you weren't just going to give me

that silly, sort of boring little book...

Oh, it's the same one. I made you one each.

It's, er...very nice.

Rue the gift!

Ask me what I want for Christmas. OK, what do you want?

Well, we all know how generous you are.

I spent a whole year's tax revenue for Christmas once.

Well, I thought a wonderful gift might be

to recognise me as heir to the throne.

Oh...

Unbelievable.

ARGUING

She's not even a boy.

King Elizabeth?

Sounds rubbish.

Honestly, I'm just happy to still be alive.

Families, eh?

ARGUING

Can't live with them,

but can execute them.

CLATTER

Good times.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

I sentence you to be executed

like all traitors to the French Revolution

by having your head sliced off by the guillotine's blade!

Au revoir...

Monsieur Carotte!

Are you looking for a toy this Christmas

which combines fun with extreme danger?

Yeah!

The mini-guillotine is a toy

that's slicing its way through late 18th century Europe.

The mini-guillotine chops everything from carrots to dolls to mice

to parents' fingers!

Wait! Pardon, monsieur?

The mini-guillotine from France is the must-have toy

from Christmas time 1793.

But don't take my word for it.

Here is the mother of famous German writer, Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.

The toy-maker who made this should be slapped in the stocks!

Don't listen to her. She's no fun.

Buy the new mini-guillotine!

Oh, sacre bleu!

The perfect 18th century Christmas toy...

Long before Christmas was celebrated in December,

ancient civilisations would gather in the winter to rejoice.

We Romans called our winter festival Saturnalia.

We even gave each other presents that we put a lot of effort into.

A lot of effort into making them terrible!

You see, the key to giving a good Saturnalia gift

was to give a bad one.

Then I was like, "He's never going to make Centurion!"

Right, seeing as Duberus is here visiting from Gaul,

he should have the first gift, so...

Io Saturnalia!

This is so exciting.

I love presents!

It's a rotting sheep's head.

It's the perfect Saturnalia gift.

What am I supposed to do with this? Oh, nothing.

It's a gag gift.

It's an old Roman tradition to give terrible presents on Saturnalia.

Sorry, just to be clear,

on Saturnalia, we give the people we love

just the most terrible gifts?

Oh, no, not me. I actually got Lucian some money.

Ah! Oh, OK.

Thanks, Quincus.

Wait a minute!

These are... Foreign coins, completely useless!

Oh, brilliant! What a terrible present!

It's got no value!

Right, my turn.

Yeah, this is from me.

Ohh! Ohh!

A toga? I don't get it.

I heard you say you wanted one, so I thought... You shouldn't have.

You're welcome. No, you really shouldn't have.

Yeah, I mean, Saturnalia really isn't about being thoughtful.

Next time, be a little less considerate, OK?

Sorry, I will get the hang of it. I promise.

Io Saturnalia!

Great gag dress, Metalla.

Who got you that? You look ridiculous!

GASPS Oh, no.

This is my favourite dress.

You look great.

I'll get me cloak.

Who invited him?

And now on HH TV,

we join Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth

for her annual Christmas message.

How lucky we all are

to have such a wise, intelligent and beautiful monarch!

Did she write this herself again?

Greetings at this festive time.

I think this might have been my best year yet.

I've absolutely smashed it.

On a personal note, I have been getting on a lot better

with my cousin in Scotland, Mary.

That may have been because I had her executed last year

for plotting against me.

This year has also been a time for national success.

I defeated the might of the Spanish Armada

with a little bit of help from Sir Francis Drake and his lads.

And with... And our Dutch allies.

But still, well done, me!

In your face, Philip of Spain! Second place again!

Is that why they call you Philip the Second?

Consider yourself dissed. Pow!

Body of a woman, heart of a lion, put-downs of a docker.

There has also been some sadness this year.

The tragic loss of dear friends

like Robert Dudley, Earl of Leicester,

could have weighed heavy on my heart

if I had been in any way romantically involved with him,

which I wasn't,

despite what everyone says!

Christmas is a time for everyone to come together

and put aside differences of opinion and religion

and all agree with me!

After all, I am the Queen.

So I wish you all a very happy Christmas.

Right...

On with the portrait. I'd better look fit!

And then after we had eaten the calf's head with carrot sauce,

we had salmon with hollandaise

and sole Colbert,

then pureed pheasant with truffles.

And that, my darling Albert,

really set us up for the first of our main courses.

Now, while she's in a good mood...

What are you two whispering about?

Oh, is it another present? Give!

It is not another present.

I didn't want one anyway. Excessive.

Oh, funny you should say that, Mama.

We were just thinking about next Christmas.

Oh, Beatrice, goodie!

We were wondering whether we should calm things down

and maybe not trap the whole family on a festive prison island.

I mean the Isle of Wight, Your Majesty.

I should never have let this man marry our baby girl.

Oh, Mama, we love being here with you for Christmas,

but do we really need all this food?

Yes, no other monarch has 50 turkeys,

dozens of geese, hundreds of pounds of lamb and beef

and crates full of vegetables delivered via train.

Nor do I. They do the last bit of the journey by royal yacht.

If we had less food... We could use a smaller yacht, yes.

Or no yacht at all!

You see? Don't be ridiculous, Henry!

Are you expecting my stuffed bull's head to swim here by itself?

Oh, dear me!

I think that Henry has been at the sherry, my darling.

Well, one of us has. Ssh!

If you don't want to spend Christmas here with me,

I will be absolutely fine.

I'll always have you, my darling Albert.

Of course we wouldn't want to spend Christmas elsewhere.

Right, Henry?

Jolly good. Right, now...

We need to press on. We have three more courses to go.

Ohh...

Oh, yummo! Savoury mince pies!

They are so beefy!

Oh, yeah!

Wowsers! Queen Vic really knew how to put on a spread.

And look at all this leftover food!

How exciting!

I can leave gravy footprints all over the table,

wee on the sprouts.

Personally, I think it makes them taste nicer. No need to thank me.

And of course, stuff my face with turkey!

You know, turkey is a traditional Christmas food

that has been eaten in Britain at this time of year for centuries,

but how we used to move them around the country

might surprise you.

Hmm...

Well, you're the best delivery man we've seen.

You've got the job. Oh, thank you. I won't let you down.

You'd better not or that's a lot of people's Christmases ruined.

Hang on. This is a Christmas job?

It's only September. I thought the job started today.

It does. Come on then! Oh!

Norfolk turkeys, best in the land.

But why start now? Ow!

It takes months to walk a turkey from Norfolk to London. Agh!

Shoo! And they lose weight along the journey,

so you've got to get there early to fatten them up again.

Wait. You want me to walk a turkey to London?

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Of course not!

If you do it one at a time, it'll take for ever.

You're taking a thousand turkeys!

SQUAWKING

You're expecting me to walk them lot over a hundred miles?

Well, how else are you going to get them there? Ow!

Cut that out! Don't worry. I'm going to give you this little stick.

And these boots. They won't fit me. I'm a ten!

They're not for you. They're for the turkeys.

They're made of leather, so their little feet don't get tired.

Go on. Put these on that one.

Have a practice.

You can't be...

Oh... Aagh!

Ow! Agh! Ow!

Get a move on. You'll have to set off soon or you'll hit the traffic!

Trust me. There are a lot of turkeys travelling from Norfolk to London.

Oh... I did it.

Well done. You can do the others now.

Aagh! Don't let them get you on the ground.

I know what you did wrong. You forgot your little stick.

Agh! Aaagh!

Hmm, season's greetings.

I'm legendary author Charles Dickens

and I love everything about Christmas.

The trees, the carols, eating the same turkey for 12 meals.

Well, maybe not that.

But I do love Christmas.

I even wrote my most famous book, A Christmas Carol, about Christmas.

But what was the title of my first Christmas story?

The answer was...

The story is about a grumpy old man

who was encouraged to change his ways.

Sound familiar? Darling, I've found some more turkey!

Bah humbug!

Right, you and the kids, let's get this Christmas party started.

Charles, it's nearly one in the morning.

Half the children are asleep.

Oh, I know what'll wake her up!

A magic show. Kate, get me a hat.

Charles, you're not sawing one of the children in half!

Here's your hat, Dad.

Whoa! What was that? Just a guinea pig from another trick.

I'll find him later. Yeah.

Right, can anyone tell me what this is?

Any guesses?

Tough crowd.

It's a plum.

A plum, correct.

Now, would anyone like some plum pudding?

Yes, please.

Abracadabra!

Huh! A plum pudding conjured up in just one second.

Actually, it took me four hours to make that, but whatever!

What shall we do now? Let's put the little ones to bed.

Let's do charades. I'll go first. It's a book.

Two words. Second word.

Sounds like "mouse".

Bleak House. Yes, good guess.

Not really. You wrote it.

Got another one. Two words. Second word.

Oliver Twist. Ha-ha! Very good, darling.

Four words... The Old Curiosity Shop.

No. Yes, it is!

Yes, you're right, it is.

I have an idea for a game.

Usually my job, but go ahead.

Let's play It!

Brilliant idea. I'll go first. I was hoping you'd say that.

Here you are. Oh... OK.

We'll turn you round.

Oh, ho, ho! You're so quiet. It's like you're not even here.

Oh! Ho, ho, ho, ho!

I love Christmas!

SQUELCH AND SQUEAK Oh!

I think I've found the guinea pig.

So, that's our Horrible Guide to Christmas.

It was the Victorians like Mr Dickens

who turned a lot of old winter customs

into the Christmas traditions we know today.

He'll be back to tell you more about that in a second,

but first, we'd like to wish you a very merry Christmas

if you celebrate it.

Or if you don't, we wish you a very happy holidays!

Take it away, Charles.

♪ Are you hanging up your baubles on the tree?

♪ Who have you got to thank for that?

♪ It's me!

♪ It's true that Vic and Albert

♪ Helped its popularity

♪ But George III's wife Charlotte

♪ Brought it here from Germany

♪ Are you sending Christmas cards to all your friends?

♪ Henry Cole popularised the trend

♪ And your Christmas cracker

♪ Filled with a little treat

♪ That's Tom Smith the confectioner

♪ I just wanted to sell more sweets!

♪ So here it is, your Christmas...

♪ Traditions

♪ All made popular by...

♪ Victorians

♪ Are you singing Christmas carols in the street?

♪ Or nibbling mince pies filled with fruit, not meat?

♪ Victorian traditions?

♪ Afraid not, don't blame me

♪ Just like eating turkey

♪ They've been around for centuries

♪ So here it is, your Christmas...

♪ Supersized!

♪ Thanks to A Christmas Carol

♪ Popularised!

♪ Yes, here it is, your Christmas

♪ Let's have a ball

♪ And from us Victorians

♪ Merry Christmas, one and all... ♪

It's Victorian Christmas!

And I didn't come alone.

I am Belznickel.

I've got a problem.

This is going to be a problem.

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Hope you enjoyed...

♪ Horrible Histories! ♪