Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians

♪ Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

♪ Romans rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

♪ Gory stories, we do that

♪ And your host, a talking rat

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to...

♪ Horrible Histories. ♪

Horrible Histories presents...

Uh, ah, uh, ah, aha!

You're right to be impressed.

H-V-III's in the house!

King of England, Lord of Ireland and monster on the dance floor.

I particularly loved a dance called the galliard,

and I was obviously great at it - so great, in fact,

that if we'd have had dance competitions back in my time

I'd have needed quite the trophy cabinet.

Welcome to Strictly Historical Dancing - It Took Two!

It's make-or-break week

for Henry VIII and his partner Catherine of Aragon

after their shocking results in the live show.

Right - I'm executing someone.

It was bitterly disappointing for the king

after a very energetic performance.

Just... No, don't cry. Do not cry. I'm not going to cry!

I'm angry, if anything. I mean, how high do they want me to leap?

I almost put my head through the ceiling!

VOICE BREAKING This is such an emotional journey.

We danced the best galliard I had ever seen.

It's just a shame we had been asked to do a foxtrot -

whatever that is.

This week, Henry needs to up his game,

and that means hard work in rehearsals.

OK, so, Henry this week they want us to dance something called the waltz.

I've never heard of it. No.

What if we did the galliard again? Mm...

I think they liked it and I think we should just persevere with it.

He likes it.

Ow! I am so...

..sorry ab... HENRY LAUGHS

Right in the crown jewels. That would really hurt. Is you OK?

STRAINED: It's fine, Your Majesty. OK.

THUD He's fine.

So, let's give it up for King Henry VIII

and his fabulous wife, Catherine of Aragon.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm fabulous too.

Henry, you really love the galliard, don't you?

Yeah, well, what's not to like, really?

There's hopping, leaping, jumping, twisting, lifting...

It's incredibly athletic and I've been doing it since I was a child.

AUDIENCE: Aww. So, check it out.

TUDOR MUSIC PLAYS

And spin.

And, Catherine, what do you think of all this?

Oh, I couldn't be happier.

Really? Oh, yes.

From now on, I will just be dancing with my maid in my bedroom.

So...excuse me.

HENRY PANTS Doesn't matter.

It's actually better on my own.

Lift.

Thrust. Oh.

Bring on Saturday.

Ah, yes, the galliard -

just one of the many dances that I know nothing about.

Luckily, we've got a guest on the show who's an expert.

It's the queen of Latin - Strictly head judge Shirley Ballas!

Hello, Rattus.

Lovely outfit. Why, thank you.

Now, Shirley,

some historians believe dance is one of the oldest human art forms

and that we've been doing it for 10,000 years.

What do you think the first dance was?

Accidentally treading on a hedgehog? Ants in their loincloth?

Well..

We don't know how it started... Ooh.

..but we do know the ancient Egyptians used it

in religious ceremonies many thousands of years ago.

Since then, almost all cultures have had dancing in some form or another.

Well, I haven't got time to learn all of them.

Let's stick with the 16th-century dance, the galliard.

It goes like this... FARTING AND SQUEAKING

TUDOR MUSIC CONTINUES

Your Majesty, the Ambassador of France is here to see you.

Your Majesty, it is wonderful to see you in such good health.

Why wouldn't I be in good health? What have we had?

Nothing, Your Majesty...

Oh, because I'm 50 now, you all think I'm past it, is that it?

Well, no, Your Majesty, but... No?

The thing is, none of us are getting any younger.

Right, that's it - music!

Eh?

Everyone's saying our Queenie's lost it, are they, hm?

Well, if I was past it, could I do this?

Er...

Ah, mais oui. Tres impressive, Your Majesty.

Your turn.

No, I... That's it, come on.

Your turn. OK.

Ready? A five, six, seven, eight...

We really must discuss...

I sometimes do six or seven galliards in my chamber

before anything else in the morning.

Huh? Still got it, haven't I?

Heh-heh, of course, but, er, we still have business to attend to?

I'm as fit as I was 30 years ago. In complete control of my own body.

Of course, Your Majesty, but please could we take a little break?

Very well. AMBASSADOR PANTS

Oh, thank you, Your Majesty!

Phew! Be sure to tell your king that I'm in perfect health.

BREATHLESS: I will... Your Majesty...

Oh!

I need water. Well, that showed him.

Will someone call a doctor? I pulled something four leaps ago.

SHE HISSES Aah. Aa-ah.

♪ Yeah! ♪ ELECTRONIC BEAT PLAYS

♪ Yeah! ♪

Shirley, will you show me how to do one of those awesome dance spin

moves that you see on Strictly?

Of course. We grab each other

and then...spin! Whoa, Shirley!

I'm free as a bird! Oh, this is lovely.

Don't let go, Rattus. What?

Oh! Whoa...

He's fine. I'm not!

Oh, he is.

RATTUS SPLUTTERS I'm all right.

At least I'm free and able to dance.

In the past, when the Puritan-led government was in power,

people were told they weren't allowed to dance on Sundays.

And some dances were banned altogether. Mm.

POLICE SIRENS WAIL

We've had a tip-off

about an illegal operation right in the heart of the community.

We've heard they've got kids involved and everything. Sick.

It starts with morris dancing gangs.

That's just a gateway to leaping and vaulting.

Look - unbelievable. CHILDREN SQUEAL

Before you know it - bang.

It's a full maypole bonanza.

Illegal maypole dancing. Breaks your heart.

I'm sorry, can we...

Hey! Stop in the name of Puritan law!

Step away from the maypole! Step away!

This whole area's a hotbed of dance-related crime.

All right... Argh!

Ah, I've been hit!

You get hardened to it.

It's just a ribbon. I know, but Sir...

..it's jolly!

Sometimes they're even armed with lutes.

I'm arresting you for possession of a maypole with intention

to dance around it with ribbons and bells and that.

Oh, come... What, that?

That's not a maypole. It's just a...thin tree.

Oh, pull the other one - it's got bells on!

I know it was a win today but...

..sometimes, when it's quiet, I can hear the jingles at night.

SOFT JINGLING

What? I'm going undercover.

Oh... HE MOUTHS

Stop it. Yep.

She was just a 17th-century French girl...

..with a simple dream.

Monsieur.

I want to be a ballerina.

But you are a girl.

MEN LAUGH

Please, monsieur, I can dance!

Could a girl force her way into the boys' club of ballet?

I can dance backwards in high heels and everything!

MEN LAUGH

Dancing backwards in high heels is for men!

Forget this foolishness.

Her journey would take her to the very top of French society...

I am King Louis XIV of France and I, too, want to be a ballet dancer.

But apparently instead of doing 12-hour ballet dances

in the academy I set up

I should be "ruling the country".

Well, you know what I say? I say, "I'm the King - I do what I want!"

Then I should dance if I want to!

Uh, no, babes - that only works if you're the king.

..and just when all seemed lost...

Very well. I will allow you to dance with the men.

Let's see what you've got.

Five, six, seven, huit!

No! No, no, no, no, no, no, non.

HE CLICKS HIS TEETH I should have said.

You will be wearing a huge dress

so no-one will be able to see your legs

so don't bother waggling them around.

Just do little movements with your arms and let the men do the rest.

Five, six, seven, huit!

The 17th-century ballerina story

about the girls who reached the top.

Well, they just moved around slowly in a huge dress

while the boys had all the fun.

JAZZY MUSIC PLAYS Hey, there. I'm William Henry Lane

or, as most people call me, Master Juba.

I was extremely popular in New York,

where I became famous as the inventor of tap dancing.

BANGING Hey! Keep the noise down, already!

Although living downstairs from me can't have been easy.

But which famous writer saw me and called me the greatest dancer known?

Was it...

The answer is A, Charles Dickens,

although everybody who experiences my dancing thinks I'm pretty great.

TAPPING

BANGING Quiet!

Well, almost everybody.

ELECTRONIC BEAT PLAYS

♪ Yeah! ♪

Dancing is amazing, Shirley.

It's a shame it leads to such pain and misery.

Pain and misery? Well, take last night.

I was singing and dancing in the alleyway

and someone threw a pizza at me. I wouldn't have minded,

but it was still in the box! RIMSHOT

But dancers have gone on to all sorts of great things, Shirley.

Look at me - I'm on Strictly.

And one amazing dancer even became empress of a huge empire.

Ooh. Ooh!

MIDDLE EASTERN MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, my days, it's you!

Theodora. Empress of the Eastern Roman Empire.

How do you do? This is, like, a proper thrill for me and that.

Well, are you working on anything new at the moment?

The emperor, Justinian, and I have just crushed the Nika riots

and I'm thinking to reform the legal status of women.

I mean, are you working on any new dance moves at the minute?

MUSIC STOPS

I am Empress now.

I prefer not to discuss my past as a professional dancer. Next!

MUSIC RESUMES

Your Imperial Majesty.

I'm humbled in your presence.

Oh, well, that's very... But you - wow!

I can't believe I'm actually talking to you.

Best dancer ever!

I really would prefer to focus on building on our empire's great past

and create a brighter future. Talk about a great past!

I was going to ask you, how do you do the double hip swivel

at the end of the hop-hop song? Cos I'm like...

Is it this?

Cos I was... It doesn't feel right when I do it, but when you do it...

Bit more of a... Next!

I'm so sorry! It's fine. It won't happen again.

Your Majesty.

Hello, er, we are Cassius and Diana.

Er, massive fans, and we have worked out our own version of

the swan dance... Yeah. ..so, would you like to see it?

We really wouldn't. Brilliant. Thank you so much! Brilliant!

Are you ready? What we doing?

This means everything to me. Yeah, me too. Everything!

OK, let's do it.

SHE SQUAWKS

Aa-aa! Bzzzz...

Must be like, you know, looking in the mirror. That's not it.

No, let me show you how it's done. No, not yet. You have to...

That's not fair!

No, no, no, no! ALL GASP

It's more like this, isn't it, darling?

HE HISSES

Get out of my way!

Look at me! Woo, woo!

They're real-life royals,

but can they become king and queen of the dance floor?

Queen Victoria and Prince Albert are in the house.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So, you two lovebirds,

this week the plan was to perform the waltz

that you did on your wedding day. Mm. AUDIENCE: Aww.

Finally a dance I know.

So, what happened? I changed it!

Let's take a look at your training.

Psst, um... I know you're the Queen, but please can I lead this one?

Course, my darling. Thank you. So...

When you're ready. Music!

Surprise! This isn't a waltz.

I know! It's a Highland Reel.

Victoria, this is not the time. We are not at Balmoral.

Oh, don't be such a spoilsport, Albert.

Honestly. Nine children, you'd think she ran out of energy.

Oh, come on - I'm the Queen!

Right and right... Yep. Two, three. That's it. Good boy.

You look like you're really enjoying yourself there, Your Majesty.

Och aye - as they say!

I just love Scottish dancing.

I've had lessons.

I mean, as you can tell.

Prince Albert, not a fan of the reel?

It looks like a witch's dance!

I'm not a fan of the Scottish dancing events.

But don't you wish you could join in?

Deep down? Certainly not.

We even have a special nook in the Balmoral Ballroom

where the royal couple can sit quietly and watch

but someone keeps charging out of it and scaring the locals.

Boo - it's me!

I just love me some Highland dancing.

Well, I shall not dance, and that's an end to it.

But, Your Maj, what will you do if your partner won't dance?

Oh, he'll dance! I...

He has to! Cos I'm the Queen.

CRUNCHING Aa-aa-aah. Looking forward to it.

♪ Yeah! ♪ ELECTRONIC BEAT PLAYS

Time to go viral.

Kings can boogie too.

Ha-ha!

♪ Yeah! ♪

Say what you like, Shirley. I may not be great with my dance footwork.

That's true. I may not be able to dance in time....

He can't. I may not be the most graceful dancer...

I won't argue with that. Phew!

But you know what I can do? I can dance for a long time.

No matter what life throws at me, I'll keep dancing!

Da-da...argh! SPLASH

You know, endurance dancing used to actually be a bit of a sport.

Back in the 16th century, a Shakespearean actor

called Will Kemp even did a marathon morris dance

as a publicity stunt, although I can't say it went well.

Hello.

Yes, it's me, Will Kemp.

The great actor and dancer from William Shakespeare's plays,

such as Much Ado About Nothing and Romeo And Juliet.

Now, I will be morris dancing from London to Norwich

to raise awareness...of me.

It's 125 miles and I'll be doing it in just nine days.

Let's go.

Day one.

Course, I could have done it in four days

if I'd picked a different dance.

Day two.

So, it's day two of what I'm calling my nine-day wonder.

Hey, Will, why'd you leave Shakespeare's theatre company?

Artistic differences. Yeah? I heard it's cos you never stuck to

the script and he got annoyed. That's just a rumour! OK?

Shakespeare wouldn't know talent if it danced across the stage

carrying a skull and saying...oh!

Ooh! Ooh. Oh, my hip. I think it's a sprain.

Just don't look at me, don't... HE PANTS

Oi!

Day six.

Will Kempe here and, actually, it's not six days, OK?

It's still two days.

The four days recovering in the inn don't count.

All right. Day two.

Thank you.

Right. Bit of injury trouble, but we're still on track.

Nine-day wonder! Woo!

Just entering Braintree at the start of day four.

You should have brought a map rather than improvising all the way.

Ha-ha...aargh! LOUD LAUGHTER

I've fallen in a hole! Oh, you.

Lunch? Yeah.

Day 27.

I did it!

I skipped from London to Norwich in just nine days. And the rest!

It was nine days!

And that's what it's going to say in my book, The Nine-Day Wonder. Aha!

In honour of my achievement,

I'm going to donate my shoes to the people of Norwich.

Oh...

Now to return to London - hopefully with a slightly raised profile.

Ooh. Ah. Ow, my feet!

Might actually need my shoes.

Very funny, Norwich!

Welcome to the explosive world of dance marathons.

Yes, this is the sport where people compete to see

who can dance the longest without stopping!

These bouts of beauty, grace, but mainly all-out physical strength

can last as long as 12 weeks!

Knees touched the floor - you're out! Oh...

Starring the legend of dance marathon entertainment,

Chad Alviso! AUDIENCE BOOS

I'm the meanest marathon dancer out there.

I'm going to play every dirty trick in the book to win. Boo!

And I'll do it from the middle of the dance floor

so you losers in the crowd can't throw chairs at me.

Boo! Hey!

We haven't started! Sorry.

And it's not just the dancers you've got to watch out for...

We got legendary dance judge...

Now, I want a good, clean, 12-week dance.

No biting, no kicking, no wedgies.

HE CHUCKLES Who am I kidding?

Anything goes as long as you keep dancing

and I'll be smacking your legs with a wet towel to make sure you do!

Huh? What a villain! No wonder he needs a police escort.

It's the craze of the 1920s and '30s -

dance marathons! BELL DINGS

Dancing like you've never seen before.

Dancing for 12 straight weeks can't be good for you.

Absolutely not - and especially with your knees, Rattus.

All right, Shirley! In the past,

there have been many times when dancing has really been dangerous.

Like when French king Charles VI held a ball

to celebrate the wedding of one of his queen's ladies-in-waiting.

Some noblemen decided to put on an elaborate dance

by way of celebration. Which they wanted to be lit -

but not quite in the way it turned out...

Here we are at the palace of Charles VI.

As you can see, it's an impressive venue -

WAS an impressive venue -

and we wanted to put off a show to really finish off the wedding.

CRASH, GLASS SHATTERS

Mm. Well, it certainly did that.

So tell me about the dance of the wild men.

Oh, it was a good idea!

We put some well-known men dressed up as "wild men" - like this, see?

And then the guests have to try and recognise them while they do some...

..dance moves.

Anyway, it was going really well - some of those guys can really move.

MAN WHIMPERS

Not any more, they can't.

OK, that's fair. And whose idea was it

to make the costumes out of highly flammable linen

and highly flammable animal hair

and then cover them in highly flammable tar?

That would be Huguet de Guisay.

Oh, and that would be him, too. Eh, Huguet? OK, he's dead.

Look, the idea was wonderful.

The costumes were wonderful.

The dance...resulted in much death.

Two out of three isn't bad.

Plus, this ball will be talked about for centuries to come.

Hashtag - winning! Yes, because you almost killed the king.

But, you know, the other way to look at that is

we had a ball where zero kings died. Just three other men.

STRANGLED GROAN Four other men. Ugh!

Everyone's a critic.

Wow, it's great that everyone's

getting along so well.

Just days ago, all this lot were at war with each other and us.

What do you think they're talking about?

They're discussing how to have you killed.

Wow. Way to kill the vibe!

I've heard one of them will do a sword dance to get close to you

and then kill you with his sword.

Here he comes!

Woohoo, that guy can move!

Yeah, baby! You're killing it!

He'll be killing you in a minute if we don't think of something.

I've got it.

I'll pretend to go to the toilet.

Gah! My legs won't budge.

That guy's moves are hypnotic.

Yo, Xiang Bo, you're my ally.

Do your thing. Yes! Protect him!

No, I meant get up there and dance.

But, yeah, protecting me is good too.

Whoa! Can anybody say "dance off"?!

Phew! It looks like the danger is passed.

Now would be a good time to make our exit.

When you are emperor, you can deal with all of them.

Yeah, cool, whatever.

Wait - an attack! Where? What?

An attack of the boogies!

Let's rock!

Swords out, guys. It's murder on the dance floor.

Ugh... I don't know why I bother.

He's the leader who ruled our hearts -

give it up for Emperor Nero.

CHEERING

Wow! A big shout-out to the Nero fans. What up?

So, Nero, we allowed you to bring your own Roman dance instructor

rather than taking one of our modern dancers.

Paris. Yeah, yeah, great guy.

Well, Nero, let's have a look

and see how that went.

You have the footage? Oh, yeah.

Embarrassing.

This week, Nero and Paris had a lot of work to do.

Reach for the sun!

I am the sun. Yeah, OK.

Tensions between the two had been bubbling for a while.

I hate that! OK.

And creative differences started to show.

We're not doing the lift. We're doing that one.

We're not doing the lift. We're doing that one! I've told you...

No, we're not doing the lift! Argh!

Tempers flared...

I don't like it, I don't like it, I don't like it...

What do you want to do, Nero? Come on.

I want to o something else.

..but it looked like they finally found their groove.

OW!

Ow, wrong foot!

"Wrong foot"?

Yes. Right foot.

Just... No! No, no, no, please! No, I can do better!

It was my fault! ARGH!

Well, Paris is here, so maybe we should get his side of it too.

Huh! Good luck with that.

GASPS Oh...

Get over it! It's been three days.

What's next for Emperor Nero? Will you keep dancing?

No. Hm?

Weirdly, it's very tricky to find a dance teacher.

Anyway, hand me the trophy and I'll be on the first chariot out of here.

Well, there's still eight weeks to go and you were voted out.

I killed this dude because he didn't teach me to dance.

Imagine what I'll do to someone who tells me I didn't win the show.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Emperor Nero - the winner of Strictly Historical Dancing!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

A bit small, but anyway, I will play you out.

Well, Shirley, we've come to the end of the show

and, like on Strictly, it's time for you to save one of the dancers.

I'll give you a clue - there's only me.

Right. Well, this is a tough one.

It isn't. You can only choose me.

Is there anyone else I can choose?

No, you can only choose me.

Could I choose nobody?

I'd be safer dancing for Nero!

Well, it's time for our last dance and for that, it's time to meet

Josephine Baker, the amazing dancer, spy and civil rights champion.

In the meantime, Shirley, let's...

..keep dancing!

♪ The queen of jazz

♪ They went crazy for me

♪ Back in the '20s, they loved my new dance

♪ From Harlem to the toast of all Paris

♪ I made the Charleston a big hit in France

♪ Hung out with Hemingway And Picasso!

♪ Star of Champs-Elysees Look, there's Cocteau!

♪ Cos anybody can just walk the walk

♪ You need a dancing girl to blow your mind

♪ Dance, dance, Josephine Baker

♪ Check out my cheetah

♪ The great Jazz Age trend maker

♪ He's called Chiquita

♪ Wait a moment, you're about to see

♪ There's more to Miss Baker's celebrity

♪ When World War II broke out

♪ I offered help with French military intelligence

♪ Charmed my way to enemy embassies

♪ Shared my findings through correspondence

♪ Wrote secret notes for spies Over gateau!

♪ Homed the Resistance guys In her chateau!

♪ Cos anybody can just talk the talk

♪ You need a war hero to blow your mind

♪ Dance, dance, back in the States

♪ Her home nation

♪ Racism made me outraged

♪ Fought segregation

♪ Civil rights is the new song I sing

♪ Side by side with Martin Luther King

Hey!

♪ Look at all that I did

♪ How could you not know?

♪ Plus adopted 12 kids

♪ That is a lot, though

♪ Wait a moment, did you think that I was just a dancer?

♪ Then I'll say goodbye. ♪