Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians, slimy Stuarts

♪ Vile Victorians, woeful wars, ferocious fights

♪ Dingy castles, daring knights, horrors that defy description

♪ Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians, vicious Vikings, cruel crimes

♪ Punishment from ancient times

♪ Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

♪ Cavemen, savage, fearsome, toothless

♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages, mean and measly Middle Ages

♪ Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel

♪ Stuff they don't teach you at school

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to... Horrible Histories! ♪

Horrible Histories presents...

All right, guv'nor? Things might look fun in the past,

but it was often tough for us kids.

And there were times when growing up at all was a challenge.

♪ If and when I grow up MAMMOTH ROARS

♪ I'll be big enough to hunt the creatures

♪ That we hunt and hope they don't have me for lunch

♪ If and when I grow up

♪ It will be because the Plague has somehow passed me by

♪ Well, at least until next time

♪ If we grow up

♪ Childhood doesn't always have a happy ending

♪ Malnutrition and disease are always trending

♪ If we grow up

♪ If and when I grow up If and when I grow up

♪ Then that must mean that the tunnel cave-ins didn't get me

♪ I might make it well past 20

♪ Oh, I'll probably grow up He will probably grow up

♪ Cos they fixed the water

♪ Rolled out smallpox vaccination

♪ Stopped child labour exploitation

♪ I might grow up

♪ Finally, a happy ending to this story

♪ Medicine and please clean the water for me

♪ Still there's many, many places that are poor, though

♪ And the numbers who grow up there are still too low

♪ Still work to be done Which I'll get the chance to do

♪ When I grow up. ♪

Things were definitely different for us kids in the past.

In my day, back in the Victorian era,

you had children cleaning chimneys and running around warships

carrying deadly piles of gunpowder.

But our lives weren't always so different from yours.

We still had annoying brothers and sisters.

Even King Louis XIV of France had some terrible fights

with his little brother Philippe when they were young.

Oi! Imagine what it'd be like to be their babysitter.

Bonsoir, Monsieur de Villeroy. Hope you're having a nice day off.

Just checking in to let you know that His Majesty King Louis XIV

and his little brother Philippe are playing perfectly together.

There's just one small problem.

They keep spitting on each other's beds.

Don't worry, Monsieur. I have placed myself between their beds

so that no more harm can be done. Louis!

After all, they're just little kids. Louis!

Everything is under control. Philippe!

I'll call you back.

Bonsoir, Monsieur. Success!

Philippe? The spitting has stopped.

Philippe? Now they just throw things.

It's like at Lent when Philippe threw a bowl of stew over the King!

Where did you even get that? It's not even lunchtime!

Hurry back, Monsieur!

If this goes on any longer, I won't be surprised...

Ah! What is this? More stew?

Philippe!

Ah, no! Wee-wee!

Your Majesty, I am sorry you have had to witness

such disgraceful...

Honestly, when you asked me to babysit the King

and I said, "Oui, oui," this is not what I had in mind.

Of course, being a royal child does mean

you get some pretty awesome presents.

When Cleopatra and Mark Antony had kids,

they gave them whole countries. It was during a grand ceremony

known as the Donations of Alexandria.

All I got for my last birthday was a turnip. It wasn't even wrapped.

Hello, my babies. Caesarion, get out of Daddy's throne, please.

Um, not MY daddy.

Good lad. Cheers for that. Thank you. Now who wants presents?

Me! Hurry up! Just give me a present!

Mark Antony, do the honours.

A scroll? It's not vouchers, is it?

The Parthian Empire.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

The Parthian Empire stretches from here all the way to here.

APPLAUSE And you're getting Syria, Ptolemy.

One of the wealthiest provinces, Ptolemy. You'll be rich!

Crete and Cyrenaica.

Small, but stunning Mediterranean lands, a stone's throw from home.

Thanks, Daddy. And you can all go and rule them. Cool!

As soon as we've conquered the rest of them. What?!

You haven't conquered them all yet? What am I getting?

All the heavily-armed barbarian lands to the north?

We're making you King of Egypt.

Really? Oh, great. I mean, we actually control Egypt,

so I haven't even got to fight for that.

"Still to be conquered"? Oh, no!

Also as the son and heir to Julius Caesar,

you get Octavian's half of the Roman Empire too.

Doesn't Octavian, my adopted brother, already rule that empire

with, like, a lot of armies?

Thanks for a territory controlled by our most powerful enemy.

And guess what I gave myself. I'm going to carry on as Queen of Egypt.

Didn't you just give me Egypt? Yeah, you'll have to share.

Unbelievable! So unfair.

Hi. I'm King James II.

When I was just 14,

my dad, Charles I, was imprisoned by parliamentary rebels

and I was put under house arrest. I had to make a daring escape,

but what part of my getaway was the most dangerous?

Was it...

Well, the answer is B.

Dressing up as a girl.

I did sneak out of the Palace during a game of Hide-and-Seek

and it was dead scary, but the really dangerous part

was dressing up. When I got on the boat,

the bargeman got suspicious when I adjusted my tights.

Apparently, I was doing it in an unladylike manner.

Oh! That's better.

Unladylike, indeed! BURPS

So even if you were going to be king, like young James,

it didn't mean life was always a bundle of laughs.

When Edward VI was young, his dad, Henry VIII,

was so worried about him getting ill

that he kept him locked away in a palace.

Everything around him had to be constantly washed.

Imagine that - being stuck inside all day

and having to wash everything all the time.

I bet things are so different in your day.

Daddy! You've come to see me!

Yo! Big up the future Edward VI!

My little Mini Me. I've brought you a bunch of presents from everyone.

Great! Can I go outside today?

No chance! You might get ill again. Oh, but I sneezed, like, once!

I think it was just dust.

Sorry, you're too precious.

I can't risk anything happening to my one male heir.

Why do you think all your food gets tasted first

and everyone who visits gets washed?

Not me! Everyone else.

Now, stop moping. I should be the one who's moping.

You've cost me three wives and a Pope!

It's not my fault you were so desperate for a male heir.

Whatever! Just play with all the friends I sent you.

Friends?! You sent me Sir William Sidney!

SNORING He's 64 years old!

Do you know how bad he is at hopscotch?

Scotch? Maybe a small one.

He's all right for a game of scotchy! Has he been washed?

Oh...!

Pressie time! Oh, it's my favourite.

Tapestries from me. I got you the large.

Wow! Not as large as that one.

GROWLING Aaaargh!

Daddy, there was a bear inside!

Wow! A fighting bear!

That's cool. Still, Health and Safety nightmare.

Can someone wash the bear before Eddie plays with it?

I don't want it passing on a bug. Aaaargh!

Grow up! It's only a bear. You're lucky we didn't get you a tiger.

Actually, that sounds pretty rah. Might put one on my Christmas list.

I don't like it!

OK, bored now. Lunch!

'Course, not all historical parents were as overprotective as Henry.

Some of them thought you should be really tough with your kids.

And even Queen Victoria, who had nine children

and 42 grandchildren,

didn't actually like them when they were babies.

Mummygram Chat. Just some ordinary mums from history

discussing mum things.

Hello! All right? Hello, you all right?

It's so nice to see you all.

I don't know how I'd cope without our weekly chat.

Not that I don't love my ghastly children.

So what does everybody want to talk about?

We're stuck on a name for our baby. Stick or Leather Bottle?

I love Stick. How about Whip?

He'd be feeling one from the ages of 7 to 30

in his military training if he was one of our Spartan babies. Yah!

Victoria's a very popular name. We'll go with Stick.

I have a worry. Yesterday, the children was being lazy,

so I made them sleep on a damp floor

with their hands and feet tied. Gosh!

I'm too soft, aren't I? No! Yes!

Punishment is vital. My son was punished today

for being caught stealing. He's meant to steal and not get caught.

It's why we don't feed him enough - to encourage stealing.

What are you doing? Hah! ..Pregnancy exercises.

We do this so that we may give birth to more warriors.

Well, frankly, I have had quite enough of childbirth.

Eew! A baby, indeed. Babies, but they're so cute!

Babies are adorable. With their ickle lickle cheeks.

Sweet. Oh, dear, I think that might be time up on our chat.

But we only just started. Signal's gone! Can't hear you!

Fine!

Dave...here! Lunchtime!

Eugh. The only thing worse than talking about babies

is looking at them.

Being a kid in Queen Victoria's time can be tough.

You wouldn't believe the jobs I've had.

I was a scarecrow, a rat catcher, and these days

I rummage through the sewer looking for things to sell.

But there are some kids in history

who've landed some brilliant jobs, like Elagabalus,

who became Roman Emperor when he was just 14.

Cool, Elagabalus! Hey! I'm Elagabalus.

And like any self-respecting teenage emperor,

except for the other ones - boring! -

I used my wealth and power to prank people.

But which of these were real pranks I played on my subjects? Did I...

Just for the bantz, baby! PEOPLE SCREAMING

Or did I...

ROARS AND SCREAMS Oh, classic.

Or C, did I...

..so that when people sat down they fell on the floor

making noises like they'd let off a toga toaster?

FARTING Oh, good times.

And the answer is...

I did all of them! Uh-oh. Legend alert.

I am bare hilaire!

It was top qual bantz like this that kept me popular with Roman people.

Oh, here come my Praetorian Guard.

They love a practical joke, too.

Oh, classic!

They're pretending they're going to assassinate me.

You guys literally kill me. Ow! Ah! Aaargh!

Are you aged six and above?

Like confined spaces and total darkness?

Them come work in a Victorian coal mine!

And you could earn as much as 4p per day!

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

All you have to do is start work at 4am,

be lowered perilously into a mine

and pull coal like a tiny hairless horse.

The Victorian mine -

because sometimes the best miners are minors!

I didn't fancy being a miner, but don't worry,

life for us Victorian kids got much better.

Dr Barnardo set up his homes to protect vulnerable kids

and new laws stopped young children being sent to work.

And compulsory schooling was introduced.

Yeah, thanks, Queen Vicky. You're welcome.

Shame she didn't actually get on with her own children, though.

And she had nine of them. Awkward!

Thanks for watching, everyone. Enjoy growing up yourselves.

See you later!

♪ Meet my family

♪ Nine children, my husband and me

And I still look this good.

♪ Meet my family

♪ And I love them all equally... Well, maybe not Bertie.

♪ My first child was my namesake, Victoria

♪ She learnt French from age one

♪ Then

♪ After hours of pain, I had Bertie The crown prince of tantrums

♪ Such a temper

♪ Next came Alice, sensitive, caring

♪ Jekyll to Bertie's Hyde

♪ Then came Alfred, the daredevil

♪ Who was the zaniest of all nine

♪ Meet my family

♪ Alfred climbs houses and leaps streams

♪ Since he was a baby!

♪ Meet my family

♪ My brooch is made from Vicky's teeth!

♪ Too much info?

♪ Our fifth child is Princess Helena

♪ Gifted in music and art

♪ Then

♪ Louise, who had so much more talent

♪ Outdid Helena from the start

♪ Next came Arthur followed by Leo

♪ Who's the fragile one

♪ We had to really protect him

♪ Cos his skin bruises like a plum And that's not fun

♪ Meet my family

♪ Beatrice would always take care of me

♪ Number nine!

♪ And that's my family

♪ I love them unconditionally. ♪

Apart from maybe Bertie because he really was a bit of a brat.

Oh, you're not wrong.

Huh!

This is burning! Whee! Hoo! Come on, damn it.

LAUGHTER

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Hope you enjoyed... Horrible Histories! ♪