Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

♪ Romans rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

♪ Gory stories, we do that

♪ And your host, a talking rat

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to...

♪ Horrible Histories. ♪

Horrible Histories presents...

Hello, there.

From bottom burps to snot and vomit,

I've got a feeling that this bodily functions

Horrible Histories special

is going to be my most favouritest episode ever.

And who better to help me look

at how we viewed our bodies throughout history,

and all the weird and wonderful things our bodies do,

than actual doctors, Dr Chris and Dr Xand?

TOGETHER: Hello.

Hey, do you want to know something weird and wonderful

that my body can do? RATTUS STRAINS

No. Absolutely not. RATTUS TRUMPS

Oh, it's a wise choice, really.

Let's start with how we power our bodies, then.

My favourite thing - food.

Well, interestingly, humans have evolved throughout history

to eat all different kinds of food.

Like how I've adapted to eat pretty much anything from a bin?

No. XAND GROANS

But a good example would be that humans 8,000 years ago

couldn't digest cow's milk.

And then, thanks to a genetic change,

some people WERE able to drink it without getting sick.

This bag smells absolutely disgusting.

Oi, get off, you!

Get your own bag of filthy rubbish.

Yeah, get your own rubbish, Chris.

Are you filming? Yeah.

OK. Yo, what up, what up, SpewTube?

I'm Star.

I'm Moon.

I'm River.

And today we're going to be doing...

What?! We've lost it this time.

♪ Cow's milk! ♪

We have lost it.

We're each going to drink a bowl of cow's milk.

Yeah, now, I really don't want to do this.

Cos this stuff plays havoc with our digestive systems.

There is not a human being alive who could drink cow's milk without...

Oh, I'm going to spew everywhere!

I know, right. So get ready for Chundergeddon!

OK, River, you're up.

Go. Oh, no, I don't want to do it.

No,

I don't want to do it. I'm going to do it.

THEY SCREAM

Oh, I don't even think I got it all out.

HE TRUMPS

Oh, that's going to go right through me.

It's coming out of both ends.

Er, no, I can do it. I can do it.

Go on, go on.

Urgh! Urgh, he's doing it!

He's doing it!

It's actually quite nice.

Really?

It tastes quite creamy and refreshing.

Let me try it. Let me try it. OK.

Whoa! Whoa! MOON RETCHES

Gross. Oh, what did I miss, mate?

Wait, no, don't do that.

You know what'd go well with this?

Rice. Huh?

Puffed rice. Dad, what are you doing?

Hey! It's my daughter, Summer.

Summer, Daddy's drinking some cow's milk.

I'll try some.

No, no, no. Wait.

Yeah? Yeah?

That's quite tasty. Yeah?

That would be good with some puffed rice.

That's exactly what I said!

So what did we learn?

It's like some families can drink cow's milk

and, like, some families can't. Yeah, yeah.

Do you realise what this means? What?

Cows just became, like, really useful.

So what we've learned here today is that me and Summer are awesome.

If you agree, then give us a thumbs up,

like and subscribe to our channel.

And tune in for our next video.

Oh, cheers.

THEY RETCH

These are the Galapagos Islands,

home to an extraordinary array of wildlife.

I'm Charles Darwin -

naturalist, biologist and Victorian national treasure.

And these longhorned beetles have lived here,

undisturbed, for millions of years.

Until now.

Charles! Did he just eat that beetle?

Delicious.

And not as chewy as you'd expect.

Cut! What are you doing?

Was there a problem with the light?

RATTUS LAUGHS It's absolutely true, you know -

Charles Darwin really did eat the animals he discovered

whilst on the Galapagos Islands.

And, so, we're going to try and eat some of the things

I've found in the sewer.

What? I'm not sure that's safe.

No-one mentioned this in the meeting.

Right, who wants to go first?

We're not eating that. We're not eating that.

All right, no worries.

I'll eat yours for you.

Xand, look, he's getting covered in it.

Urgh.

This might be a good time to talk about grooming, Rattus.

Hmm? You know, keeping yourself clean?

The Vikings took cleanliness extremely seriously.

Who gave us Vikings permission to be so gorgeous?

Nobody. They didn't need it.

And neither do you.

Now, we just raided this village, and we found this Saxon

that smells like a real ass. DONKEY BRAYS

He means donkey.

Cheeky boy.

But we're going to give this Saxon some sass.

I know that we Vikings have a reputation

for burning farms and taking things,

but we're actually going to give you a heck of a lot of self esteem.

Although, to be fair, when we're finished,

we probably will still burn down his home and kill his family.

We're totally crazy.

Just try and take me through what you're thinking with this

because, I mean, I've had helmet hair in the past,

but this is ridiculous.

Well, it's just sort of normal Saxon hairdo, isn't it?

Hairdo? More like hairdon't, am I right?

You're single, you're desperate, but don't worry,

we're here to help.

Let's be like family.

Honestly, I'm fine as I am.

Seriously. Shush when we're doing this.

How do you think that us Vikings get all the ladies?

Kill their husbands?

Yes, we do do that. A lot.

But we also take something that's called a bath.

I take baths.

Every single week? Sometimes.

You know, special occasions, weddings or such.

People around here obviously don't get married very often.

And do you know why? Cos they're filled with creepy crawlies.

Let's get rid of these. Yeah, with this comb.

And I'm thinking that we're going to turn these lank locks blonde,

so it's popping.

With this special soap.

Close your eyes. Why?

I'm just going to remove some of this bush.

Ow! That really hurt.

Not as much as having your head cut off.

Well, yeah, obviously, but come on!

Maybe that's enough now?

Just getting some earwax out with my tiny spoon.

This is going great.

When we first met Dave the Saxon,

he barely bathed and his haircut was totally 400 BC.

But now look at him!

OMV for Viking!

Not only did we spruce him up with some Viking soap

and a hair comb, we gave him some bang-up-to-date threads

and filed grooves in his teeth to really glam up that growl.

Oh!

Yeah!

Thanks, guys. I actually feel really great about myself.

You look great! And we still have one last surprise for you.

Viking treasure?

Or maybe some of that soap so I can keep myself clean?

No! We're not going to kill you.

Now, go get yourself a Saxon woman.

Er, hi, there.

SHE SCREAMS Viking!

Oh, hair still looks good.

Yeah, plenty of body.

I like your necklace. Oh, thank you.

Your Majesty. Ha! Ha!

No, I'm not the Queen.

Your Majesty. No, no, that's not the Queen, either.

SHE GASPS That's the Queen.

Oh, dear. What's this?

I'm Esme, Your Majesty.

Your new lady-in-waiting.

What are you waiting for?

The fashion police to come and arrest you?

Don't worry, babes. I'll sort you out.

So, what are we going for?

Jet black? Blonde?

I'm only messing with you.

I'll mix up some red hair dye.

Like the Queen!

If you want to get ahead, you've got to go red. Here we are.

Here we are. Some cumin.

Saffron.

Celandine. Oh, lovely.

And some toxic sulphur powder.

And you need to be paler.

I'll just pluck off your eyebrows,

put a bit of white lead and vinegar foundation on, a bit of rouge,

and you feel like a queen.

That sounds... SHE RETCHES

Come on, then. It's time to meet the Queen.

So I cut off his head. EVERYONE LAUGHS

Your Majesty.

Your new lady-in-waiting.

Oh, goodness. What have you come as?

Huh?

I'm joking. EVERYONE LAUGHS

I love the look.

Very natural-looking.

Of course, mine really is natural.

Yes, I just woke up like this. SOMEONE SNORTS

Who laughed?

Oh, look! Your nose is bleeding.

Is it?

Yes. Oh, dear.

Rather...

Typical superfan.

Overwhelmed by my perfection.

Well, take her away. She's bleeding on my shoe.

We Victorians loved to groom ourselves.

And, for a time, luxuriant facial hair was particularly popular.

But after a while, the young men began to view beards

as a symbol of an outdated, out-of-touch generation.

They went clean-shaven to show how modern they were.

This led to actual protests from pro-beard activists.

Short back and sides, is it, sir?

Yes, and kindly remove the beard.

Oh, good choice. In the past, they were considered attractive.

But these Victorian days, the only people left wearing them

are cranks and losers.

Halt!

Cease this beard battery at once.

Why are you attempting to rob this man of his hairy treasure?

'Tis nothing less than bushy burglary.

See, told you. We are a society of beard fanciers

and moustache enthusiasts.

Set up to stop men being robbed of their facial furs.

i.e. having their beards chopped off.

Oh, the tragedy.

TOGETHER: Beard pride.

Your furry face hair hasn't been hip since the Crimean War.

How dare you.

I'll have you know, a full and fruity beard

is a sign of manliness and courage.

And not being able to afford a barber.

Lean back. Wait!

Don't you know that, for a man, having his whiskers

cruelly whisked from his chin is more painful

than giving birth to a baby? Who says that?

Science.

Beard science.

If you listen very quietly, you can hear the sound

of a thousand bristles screaming.

Help.

That was you. No, it was not.

I'm sorry. Barber, off with it.

Fine, suit yourself, you beardless buffoon.

But remember, whenever a beard is cruelly threatened

by a barber's blade, there we shall very beardily be.

Down with chins!

Protect the perm!

No to nudey necks!

Could you just trim the ends off while I'm here?

Get out. OK.

Greetings. Henry VIII, here.

Last Henry, and definitely best Henry.

Here's my question.

I'm famous for my ginger beard, but why did I grow it?

Was it...?

The answer is C, a gesture of friendship.

Yes, in 1519, I told King Francis of France

I wouldn't shave until I saw him next.

Kept my word, too.

Well, for a bit.

Annoyingly, the wife hated the old face furs

and made me shave it off.

But don't worry. I grew it back

before I saw him again,

so that was OK.

Then I went to war with him.

But I kept the beard.

So...turned out pretty sweet.

Well, I think beards look silly.

For me, it's all-over full-body covering of hair or nothing.

Would do you think, Chris? I could not agree more.

Beards are disgusting.

Look, this beard got a lot of likes, thank you.

Now, Henry VIII wasn't only known for his glorious ginger beard.

He was also an amazing athlete.

You know, Rattus, you could do with some exercise yourself.

Keeping the body fit and healthy is really important.

Oi, you, I do plenty of sport.

In fact, I've won the annual sewer log flume race

for three years in a row.

I mean, where do you get a wooden log in a sewer?

It's not that kind of log.

BADUM TISH Of course it's not.

I still think I could surprise you all

and be a sporting legend like Henry.

Oh, and it's a two-man log, if you're up for it.

MUSIC: To the tune of Get Lucky by Daft Punk

♪ You think you know so much of me

♪ Beheadings, heirs, romance

♪ Change wives almost as often as I change my underpants

♪ Apart from my great modesty

♪ There's other things you ought to know

♪ King Henry VIII, that's me

♪ Was brilliant at sport

♪ I was a star

♪ At competitive arts

♪ Though I look more

♪ Like a man who plays darts

♪ I learnt how to joust for fun

♪ And use my height against some

♪ I dressed as a knight and won

♪ No wonder that I got sweaty

♪ There really is nothing like

♪ The great feeling when you strike

♪ A bloke with a 12-foot spike

♪ 1-0, back of the netty

♪ I really love to get sweaty

♪ I wasn't just a jouster

♪ I threw a javelin, you know

♪ Axe fighting, dressage, archery

♪ All strings to my long bow

♪ Dad made real tennis popular

♪ I was a proper Federer

♪ Of course, no-one would beat the king

♪ At tennis, I was betterer

♪ I really love to get...

♪ I really love to get sweaty

♪ My sporting larks

♪ Why there's so many parks

♪ Green, there and here

♪ Cos I liked killing deer

♪ But then I fell off my horse

♪ It landed on me with force

♪ And so no more sport of course

♪ That means no more getting sweaty

♪ And as the years went by

♪ I fell in love with pie

♪ And soon after I... ♪

Could barely get off the settee.

People have been exercising at the gym since Roman times,

and maybe even earlier.

But it was Victorian exercise enthusiast Gustav Zander

who invented steam-powered machines,

which led to the gyms you see today.

Hey, you there on the sofa.

That's right, you, with the lazy bones.

Isn't it time that you started getting fit and healthy?

I'm Gustav Zander, and I'm here to help you get lean in 18...

..70.

As in the year. It's a little joke.

Hey, I'm in the first ever gym.

You'll find state-of-the-art steam-powered exercise machines.

Like...

And you'll also find a whole bunch of fit people

having a heck of a lot of fun.

Whoa!

With just 15 minutes a day, I can transform your body from this...

..to this.

Which, if you could see underneath the heavy frock coat,

three-piece suit, undershirt is seriously buff.

Wow.

That's actually huge.

Yes, we've got everything you could want from a gym.

Er, apart from changing rooms.

Obviously.

So I'll be seeing you down Zander's.

Oh, it's great to see you're taking exercise seriously, Rattus.

Why don't you start with some sit-ups?

Okey dokey. RATTUS STRAINS.

RATTUS TRUMPS One.

RATTUS STRAINS

RATTUS TRUMPS

Two.

Sorry, I think it's that feast of sewer sausages

and bug surprise.

Just to be absolutely clear, we didn't eat any of it.

Er, well, I did have a bit of one of the sausages, and...

XAND TRUMPS

Is there a toilet anywhere?

Everywhere, mate.

We're in a sewer.

RATTUS TRUMPS Oh, that was me.

I'll take that one.

Do you to realise it's quite rude to do this in my company?

Oh, not got a lot of choice, Chris.

Yeah, and to be fair, if history has shown us anything

it's that holding them in is a bad idea.

THEY TRUMP

More prunes, Ventus?

No, thank you, emperor. HIS STOMACH GROANS

Dried fig, perhaps?

Not right now.

Please yourself.

Oh, would you mind, Ventus?

HIS STOMACH GARGLES

In your own time, Ventus.

VENTUS TRUMPS

I wonder if I might step outside, Emperor.

CLAUDIUS LAUGHS Certainly not.

I'm not finished eating.

Sit down. VENTUS TRUMPS

Oh, what is the matter with you today, Ventus?

Nothing, Emperor. I'm absolutely...

VENTUS TRUMPS Ventus?

Doctor?

It appears Ventus has died.

Oh.

What of, exactly?

Of a massive build-up of gas.

He held in his toga coughs, sire.

Why on Earth would anyone do that?

Well, it would be shockingly rude for one of us mere mortals

to drop a temple-clearer in front of someone

as magnificent as yourself.

Are you saying that none of you have been prepared to unleash

a scroll-ripper in front of me?

Ever?

Well, I decree, from this moment forward,

anyone may release an air chariot in front of me

whenever they need to.

EVERYONE TRUMPS

Oh, that's so good.

Maybe not all at the same time.

Thank you so much for letting me stay with you and your wife,

Elizabeth, until I find a husband, Samuel.

Nope. My pleasure, dear sister.

You will have to help around the house, of course.

Oh, yes, of course. I don't mind helping out at all.

As a chambermaid.

Oh, right.

As in emptying chamber pots full of...?

SOMEONE TRUMPS

Yes, we can't be seen to be giving you special treatment

over the other servants, now, can't we?

So you'll have to start at the bottom.

SOMEONE TRUMPS So to speak.

Oh, Great Fire of London, that was a big one.

You might want to give it a while.

Paulina!

Stand when Elizabeth enters the room, please.

But she's my sister-in-law.

She is your mistress.

Bad servant.

I'll fetch your chamber pot for cleaning.

All right, fine.

I will be your servant.

Happy to help.

Totally fine, in fact.

Seriously, how bad can it be-e-e-e?

Big one! That is a big one.

Cut down her portion sizes a bit, yeah?

Paulina Pepys, what are you doing?

Sitting down for lunch.

Servants do not sit at the table

and eat with the masters of the house.

Just because you're my sister, I cannot have the other servants

thinking that we're treating you better.

I don't think there's very much chance of that

ever since you made me Paulina Poo-poo Bucket.

Go and check the chamber pots again.

What? Already?

SHE WHISPERS: What's wrong with you?

P... Shut it.

I have just learnt that the position of Elizabeth's waiting woman

came up and you've promoted someone else

to the non-poo-based position over me.

Yes, well, you hardly covered yourself in glory

as a chambermaid, Paulina.

Do you want a sniff of what I have covered myself in, Samuel,

every day since I've been here?

I am your sister.

Always with the excuses with you.

"I am your sister."

"I put my back out lifting that pot."

"All the servants are saying you married a poo factory."

You're just jealous because I'm married and you're not.

And you're lazy. And you're fired. Good.

I will leave some money in your dowry so you don't paint me

as a complete monster.

One of your wife's poos?

And you want to see a doctor, mate.

They're meant to be brown.

Really?

Technically.

Some of history's greatest achievements

have been made in toilets.

During World War II, Prime Minister Churchill

made secret plans with the American President,

Franklin D Roosevelt,

in a bid to bring about victory.

And a lot of these secret plans were made in Churchill's private loo.

Oh, no, you go first. Are you sure?

You're not desperate?

I'm literally about to die. But no, no. Honesty.

Make way, coming through.

I've got to answer an urgent call.

Was that Mr Churchill?

The Prime Minister?

Yes. Are you new here, too?

He really needed to go, didn't he?

Ah, thank goodness.

Ah, there you are, my old friend.

Got through at last?

Is he talking to his poo?

Are you ready for the big push, eh?

I'm going to make the world's biggest ever aquatic landing.

I've never heard it called that before.

I'm going to drop over 10,000 tonnes.

I say.

He must have had a jolly big lunch!

Can you hear me?

Is he talking to us?

Hello?

There you are. I do really need your help with D-Day.

Oh, sir.

Yes, sir.

For king and country. HE RETCHES

Yes? What is it?

HE WHISPERS: I'm on the phone.

I thought you needed help with the bidet.

D-Day, man! Not bidet!

It's not a toilet, it's a top-secret line

to the President of the United States.

Why is it disguised as a toilet?

Because the toilet is the only place I can ever get any peace!

Where is the real toilet?

Oh, it's too late.

Oh, that's warm.

Well, we're coming to the end of this bodily functions special.

But we've got just enough time for some serious business.

Finally.

Yes, that's great because, so far, it's just been about wee and poo.

Hmm.

The Apollo programme was the name for America's bid

to land on the moon.

And in 1969, Apollo 11 achieved exactly that.

Perfect.

This is great. Space, awe-inspiring and in no way silly or disgusting.

But, almost as exciting, on the mission before Apollo 11,

Apollo 10 had an encounter with a UBO.

You mean a UFO?

An unidentified FLYING object.

No, this was an unidentified BROWN object.

I knew it couldn't last.

Hey, maybe it should have been renamed Apollo Number Two!

Oh, and do you think the rocket had a poop deck?

OK, that's it. We're going. We're off.

Hey, where you going?

I think you'll find you're booked for the afternoon.

Houston, this is Apollo 10.

We are now orbiting the moon at a distance of 8.4 nautical miles.

Er, commander, the instruments are picking something up.

It's pretty close by.

What? An asteroid?

No, this thing is made of organic matter.

Guys, it's ten feet away.

I can't see it. Where is it?

Eight feet.

I've sealed all the air locks.

Five feet.

Guys, I don't want to worry you, but it's inside the ship.

I don't want to die.

Sensors are reading high levels of carbon, water and...sweetcorn.

I have a visual.

What is it, Captain Cernan?

It's a number two, sir.

This is no time to talk in code, Cernan.

It's a...brown dwarf.

A poopernova.

A sticky space invader.

It's a big poo.

Get it away from me!

Apollo 10, is everything OK?

Houston, we have a problem.

There's a...

..poo-poo floating in the cockpit.

I think there's a problem with the communication system.

It sounded like you said there's a poo-poo floating in the cockpit.

No, no, that's what I said.

Someone clearly left the hatch on their spacesuit open.

Don't blow it here.

Well, you're on your own with that, Apollo 10.

There's nothing we can do about that from here.

OK, Young. Catch it in a napkin.

Why me? I didn't do it.

It doesn't look like one of mine.

Young, this is an order.

Well done, Young.

That was one small poo for man.

One giant catch for mankind.

Definitely one for the captain's log, sir.

♪ Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts

♪ The ugly truth, no glam or glitz We showed you all the juicy bits

♪ Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel

♪ Stuff they don't teach you at school

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. ♪