Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians

♪ Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights

♪ Dingy castles, daring knights

♪ Horrors that defy description

♪ Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes

♪ Punishment from ancient times

♪ Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

♪ Cavemen, savage, fearsome, toothless

♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages

♪ Mean and measly Middle Ages

♪ Gory stories, we do that

♪ And your host, a talking rat

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to Horrible Histories. ♪

Horrible Histories presents...

Welcome to our first-ever show that's all about firsts.

Today we're celebrating people

who were the very first in history to do something remarkable.

And in honour of today's theme,

I'm going to become the first-ever rat

to introduce Horrible Histories on ice!

Here we go. Step, step...

Aaagh! SPLASH!

This is nothing like ice!

Stupid guys who come up with these ideas...

HE SPLUTTERS

OK, we might need to try the whole ice thing again

when it's a bit icier.

Don't worry, though, I'll come up with something else

whilst you meet our first hero, Tutankhamun.

Now, he was a teenage Egyptian pharaoh who became really famous

when his tomb was the first to be discovered fully intact,

which is why we all know about all of his glitzy tomb treasure.

♪humblebrag.

HE SPLUTTERS

♪ Tutankhamun Ho!

♪ Tutan, Tutan, Tutankhamun Ho!

♪ Tutan, Tutan, Tutankhamun

♪ Yo, here's the thing, check out my bling

♪ It's all tat-for-Tut

♪ Got more illicit gifts than Jabba the Hutt

♪ Like this thing on my skin? So thin and leopard-y

♪ Leopard wasn't real so I was never in jeopardy

♪ Your normal loincloth comes with maybe 50 stitches

♪ Look at mine, 200 in the house with my breeches

♪ I'm the head of the gang, Macho Man, Mr Boss

♪ Though I'm partial to a weave, eyeliner and lip-gloss

♪ Take one look at my togs

♪ Everybody loves my collection of gloves

♪ Have a good look down there I'm a king of stylish underwear

♪ Listen to the people diss you

♪ Everyone sing "You can't take it with you"

♪ But I say don't be gloomy

♪ Look and see how my tomb is so roomy

♪ Tutan, Tutan, Tutankhamun Ho!

♪ Tutan, Tutan, Tutankhamun

♪ So many things to show you as you come into my portal

♪ No idea how long before I wake cos I'm immortal

♪ Got a jackal-headed god with the funny pointed ears

♪ These jars are for my organs Lungs and stomach go in here

♪ This little board of Senet Sure, I'll get some games in

♪ With no-one else to play against I'm always gonna win

♪ Got this monogrammed fan to help me keep a cool head

♪ Cos you never know how hot you're going to get when you are dead

♪ I'm gonna pop my clogs surrounded by gold and jewel dogs

♪ Take away your breath

♪ Oh, not literally, please

♪ I'm scared of death

♪ Hope is a mortal thing, it's true Otherwise, all this bling

♪ Is fine for surviving captive

♪ But personally, I'd rather live. ♪

Uhh!

DEEP VOICE-OVER: From ancient Egypt

comes a new fragrance delivery system.

SHE WHISPERS:

Hello?

Is there someone there?

WHISPERS: Fat-Head.

What is that alluring smell?

Who are you? Fat-Head. That's an unfortunate name.

Wow, you smell amazing. What is that on your head?

VOICEOVER: Fat-Head sits in a cone on your head

and melts during the day,

spreading the fatty aroma across your skin.

WHISPERS: It's animal fat dripping down my face, mixed with herbs.

Sh.

You had me at animal fat. Fat-Head.

It's fat on your head.

Fat-Head. Bit harsh.

Easy, easy, there we go.

OK, forget the ice skates.

I'm going to be the first rat to present Horrible Histories on...

..roller-skates. Here we go.

Aaagh!

Not too easy, not too easy, not too easy, not too easy!

How do I turn around? Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

CRASH!

Do you know what? I'm going to have to think of something else.

Of course, these days I could just go online

to look for something new and exciting to do.

You couldn't do that in ancient times, though.

Although, if you were in ancient Egypt,

you could search through virtually all the knowledge in the known world

by visiting the first-ever library.

Of course, it wasn't quite as easy to use as the internet. Whoa!

Yeah, you can ask it anything you want, really,

like why is the sky blue?

Or why does it get colder when you go up a mountain

but you're closer to the sun? Oh, right. What's it called?

The Library of Alexandria.

It contains all the knowledge in the world. What are you going to ask?

I'm going to see if they've got any funny cat pictures.

Oh, that's a good one, yeah.

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the world-famous Library of Alexandria,

the greatest collection of knowledge in history!

Sadly, we're not open to the public, so we can't take any questions.

THEY GRUMBLE

Oh, all right, just this once, but just one each, OK? You first, go.

Can parrots fart? Really?

The sum of all the world's knowledge at your fingertips, and you want...

Yeah, yeah. No, birds can't fart. Next.

WOMAN: Hello? Yeah, I'm over here.

Over here. OK, yeah, that's close enough.

What's your question?

Er, do you have any life hacks for getting a pot off your head?

Asking for a friend.

I don't have any... Let me ask my assistant. Alexa. Alexa.

Sorry, forgot to do the voice. Oh. BREATHY: Alexa. Hello.

Do you have any life hacks for removing a pot from your head?

Removing a pot from your head - lubricate the pot and gently pull.

Thank you. I'll pass that to my friend.

LOUD SMASH

Oh! And this is why we don't open to the public.

Yes, what's your question?

How did they figure out there are 365 days in a year?

Oh, that's a great question.

So, the Babylonian calendar only had 360 days in it,

but we Egyptians added five days after identifying annual patterns

in the flooding of the River Nile and the rising of the star Sirius.

Oh, amazing!

Can't believe I've never Library of Alexandria-ed something before!

Is there anything else you'd like to know?

I mean, all human knowledge is at your disposal.

Do you have any funny cat pictures?

That's it, I'm done.

Don't worry, he's left his assistant. Alexa.

Hello. Do you have any funny cat pictures? Sunny chat pictures.

No, funny cat pictures. Furry hat witches. No, funny... OK.

I see why he left her outside.

I'm sorry, I did not understand your question.

I can see why he left you... I did understand the question, OK? Sorry.

Don't push it. It was her.

While we may have created the first-ever library,

we Greeks created something a lot more fun -

the biggest and bestest sporting competition ever,

the first Olympic Games. Although, strangely, in the very early days,

it didn't have anything to do with sport.

Guys, I think it's pretty clear

that our religious festival celebrating Zeus

is getting a little bit stale.

NARRATOR: In an attempt to inspire some much-needed enthusiasm,

the Zeus festival committee has invited Sophie and Sebastian

to an ideas meeting to come up with some new events.

I hope you guys are hungry,

because we have cooked up a bowl of idea soup

that you are going to be picking out of that little beard for days.

OK, so we've got running, boxing, wrestling...

Hang on, it's not a sporting event.

We're looking to liven up a religious festival.

It's held at one of Greece's most holy sites, Mount Olympus.

OK, so...

It's possible we might have got our presentations mixed up.

Yeah, that so explains why our human sacrifice ideas

didn't go down well in front of the International Cricket Board.

Do you know what? Why don't we combine them both

so we've got a sporting event that celebrates a religious festival,

all in the sanctuary on Mount Olympus?

And we'll call it the Olympusics! Yes! Can I get a Peloponnesian wave?

Yes, you can!

You know, we could get some slaves to build a stadium,

and until then...

We could hold the events in the olive groves around the mountain

and we could give the winners bits of the trees as prizes.

We were thinking of, like, medals, but whatever. No? Toss them.

They're gone. The only thing I'm wondering is

why boxing and running honours the gods.

OK, it's the heroes that the sports event creates

which will honour Dr Zeus. Big up.

It's just Zeus, actually. Horton hears a what?

Yeah, I think you might thinking of a different Seuss.

Ding-ding! Round 1, boxing.

Let's take our biggest fighter and pitch them against our smallest.

So brutal. I love it already.

Loving you. It sounds awesome.

Can't wait to see it.

Oh. Awks.

Yeah, you're not going. Women are banned.

Right. Well, we'd never agree to that.

Quick vote? Yeah, yeah. 3-0!

Premium exclusivity.

The Olympusics are born!

Might have to work on the name a little bit. Unbelievable.

Good day. I am George Washington, first president of the USA.

Today, Americans celebrate the nation's birthday on July 4th.

But what was strange about my birthday?

Was it...?

And the answer is C.

In 1752, the British adopted a new calendar system,

added 11 extra days and changed the start of the year

from the 25th of March to the 1st of January.

So my birthday changed from February 11th, 1731

to February 22nd, 1732.

Basically, I got a whole year younger.

Can't you tell? No?

OK, time for my first-ever Horrible Histories link

whilst hanging upside down.

George Washington may have been

the first president of the United States, but...

Whoa! Guys, the rope's stretching!

It's OK, bungee ropes are supposed to. Oh, OK. OK.

Washington was the first president,

but the first person to discover America had been much, much earlier.

Wait, what do you mean, bungee rope?

Aaagh!

PARP!

Whoa!

Thanks for that, guys.

HOLLYWOOD VOICE-OVER: This is the story

of the first person to discover America.

While sailing for Asia,

one man believes

he is the first to discover America.

I, the great and handsome Italian explorer, Christopher Columbus,

am the first man ever to set a foot in this strange new land.

RECORD SCRATCH Only he wasn't the first.

Our long journey from Asia is over.

We shall build a new home in this land.

OK.

I, Christopher Columbus,

am the first European man to set foot in America.

Er, technically, that's not true either.

A new land!

The sagas will tell of my journey forever

and I, Leif Erikson,

son of Erik the Red,

will name this land... Vinland.

Oh, look, a skraeling!

Hey, how's it going?

You're going to love what we've done to this place.

I really need a wee. Just there.

Really? I mean, can they prove it?

OK, fine, fine.

I, Christopher Columbus, am the first European man,

apart from a bunch of other guys, ever to set foot in...

Oh, who am I kidding? I didn't even make it all the way to America!

I stopped in the Caribbean by mistake.

Oh, forget it!

Let's go home. Turn the boat around!

America, discovered by Columbus...

Yo, John Cabot here. Check me out!

Shout-out to King Henry VII, brrap, brrap!

He sponsored my trip,

basically because he felt like a total bonehead

for not backing Columbus.

And his trust in Jocab - still going with that name - has paid off.

We found something way more impressive. Land ahoy!

No - massive fish.

Check this out, it's going to be hilarious.

Wow, this is a whole new continent.

Kiss the fish!

Kiss it! Mwah!

John. John, stop messing around,

I think this could be really significant.

Sorry.

But kiss the fish!

So I think we can all agree

that Fish Land is way better than anything Columbus ever found.

We're not calling it Fish Land.

Oh, you think you COD do better?

Do you not like this PLAICE?

John, we are not calling it Fish Land!

Jocab's Fish Land!

Our fair Queen Elizabeth I had her own firsts.

She was the first monarch to open up

the Tower of London's menagerie of exotic animals to the paying public.

But being the head keeper there was not the easiest job.

LOUD MOAN

Is there anyone else, Sir Nicholas?

Just one, Your Majesty, Sir John Peyton.

GROWLING

Sit! Nice lion!

GROWLING

I said, sit!

An unusual entrance, Sir Nicholas.

Sir John looks after the animals in your menagerie, Your Majesty.

Yes, I do, Your Majesty.

I was wondering if... Ooh!

I told you not to make a fool of me in front of the Queen!

HE LAUGHS

Apologies, Your Majesty.

I was wondering if we could discuss

the moving of your wild animals from the Tower.

Certainly not. Many of those beasts are gifts from kings and queens.

They are a symbol of my power. It is not simply a zoo.

I understand. It's just, the problem is... Woo!

Stop licking me, Elizabeth!

You're tickling! Naughty girl.

Your Majesty... Yeah, sorry.

Elizabeth can be a little bit slobbery.

Hand the rope to our guard so we may finish our conversation.

Yeah. There you go.

GROWLING CONTINUES

Well, if she's named after me, I'm sure she's a very nice lion. Woo!

ROARING

Yes. Your Majesty, your royal menagerie has outgrown the Tower.

Naughty, naughty lion!

The castle wasn't built to house wild animals, you see.

At present, we have, well, wolves, jackals...

ANIMALS HOWL AND GROWL ..hyenas, bears, of course,

leopards. We used to have some nice dogs

but, well, leopards.

And I think that's all.

LOUD GROWL

Six lions.

GUARD SHRIEKS

She'll get bored eventually!

Sir Peyton, there has been a menagerie at the Tower

since the reign of King John.

I will not be the first monarch in 400 years

not to have a menagerie here.

If you need help, the guard will give you a hand.

ROARING

Oh! See?

He's helping you already.

Historical firsts often arise

from people going against popular thinking and doing the unexpected.

Like no-one expects a rat to vanish before their very eyes, like this.

HE COUGHS

Yeah, that's where the trapdoor should have opened. Sorry!

It seems other unconventional thinkers

have had better luck than me,

like the three famous scientists

Copernicus, Galileo and Isaac Newton.

Yeah. They all went against popular belief

when they came up with some of the very first correct theories

about the movements of the Earth, our universe and gravity.

TRAPDOOR OPENS

Aaagh! It's too late now, mate! Sorry!

SPLASH!

♪ The Earth spins round the sun, right round

♪ Not the other way round, way round, round

♪ I'm Copernicus I'm the first one of us

♪ To say the Earth spins on an axis

♪ Now convincing the world that their view's absurd

♪ Is much more harder in practice

♪ That our planet spins this way and also spins that way

♪ My critics, they call me eccentric

♪ But haters be hating while I'll be creating

♪ My model that's heliocentric

♪ The Earth spins round the sun, right round

♪ Not the other way round, way round, round

♪ Not in a circle Kepler found

♪ Goes elliptically round, round, round, round

♪ Discovering Jupiter's four moons refuted the formerly mooted Ptolemy

♪ Through my telescope, the Pope said

♪ "Nope, what is this wild new astronomy?"

♪ Tried to make me recant I said that I shan't

♪ Because there was proof I attested

♪ Cos that was my view but what could I do?

♪ It actually got me arrested

♪ The Earth spins round the sun, right round

♪ Not the other way round, way round, round

♪ Not in a circle Kepler found

♪ Goes elliptically round, round, round, round

♪ Don't panic, our world is mechanical

♪ My laws of motion all work without flaws

♪ I made science seem much less trickier

♪ In my Principia with show of force

♪ Can't help that it's matter of fact

♪ That all matter attracts Let's break it down rationally

♪ That the sun pulls the Earth, pulls the moon, pulls the sea

♪ Even me Yeah, that's gravity

♪ The Earth spins round the sun, right round

♪ Not the other way round, way round, round

♪ Earth spins round the sun, around

♪ Not the other way round, around

♪ Gravity keeps us on the ground

♪ Means the sun pulls the Earth around. ♪

For a new fashion to become popular,

someone has to be the first to try out a new style,

and throughout history, radical fashion changes

have always divided opinion.

Oh, my garters,

tonight is going to be large.

Does I espy the absolute lord of banter?

Just to be clear, though, I am the Lord of Shropshire.

I know. Just to be clear. Jokes.

Yeah. Hey, mate, what happened, did your wig shrink in the wash?

No, I'm only half-dressed.

Giles! Yes, coming.

HE MUTTERS

Living the dream.

OK. You're welcome.

Mate, that barnet is on fleek.

No, it's on my head.

HE CACKLES

Oh, mate, look.

Buckle bros!

Whoa!

Don't scuff my butts.

Buttons.

Oh, yeah. Good point, man got to keep them fresh.

Um, ask me the time.

What's the time? Don't know, never learnt to tell it!

But check my new buttons. Why?

Because they're clocks.

That's why I said about the time!

They're going to slay.

Oh, mate, need any cotton balls? I'm just going to stuff my face.

Mate, jealous of the puffy face.

Where's Cuthbert?

C-man be missing all the jokes.

Ahem. Good day, gentlemen.

Oh, my days.

You can't go out like that, your clothes are looking mank.

OMG, are you a dandy now? Quite right, Bartholomew.

I was once a Macaroni like you, and now I'm a dandy.

Beau Brummell introduced me to the style. It's quite the thing.

Apologies for the late arrival, I was bathing.

But you had a bath yesterday. I bathe every day now. Why?

Seriously? Mm-hm.

What's more, it took me four hours to choose the perfect cravat

and polish my shoes in champagne. Whoa! They look sticky to me.

Not to cast aspersions, gentlemen,

but I was rather feeling ready for a style that was a little less silly.

Hold me back, bruv! Don't do it, he's not worth it! Ow. Sorry.

Your wig, sir. Want me to secure it to the top

or are you going to plonk it on and hope for the best?

Of course I don't want you to, don't be so silly! Leave us!

So saucy. Shall we, gentlemen?

I just swallowed my cotton balls!

Female firsts in history didn't just have to contend

with the normal difficulties faced by pioneers.

We women also had to overcome the foolish and incorrect opinion

that we couldn't achieve great things.

Thankfully, many brave and inspiring women

didn't let silly ideas like that stop them.

Ladies, put down your crochet

or whatever domestic frivolity you're currently engaged in

and pay attention to this important warning.

Never try to cross the Atlantic

in an aeroplane on your own.

Your weak and frail bodies

are not up to the task.

Don't take my word for it, ask this gentleman.

I'm Amelia Earhart

and I was the second person of either sex

to fly across the Atlantic solo.

Help! He's a lady!

I broke records, flew dangerous missions

and won the US Distinguished Flying Cross.

Good for you, aren't you clever?

While clever ladies like Ms Amelia Earhart may fly aeroplanes

if their husbands allow them,

it is unladylike to fly aeroplanes during a war.

The traumas will be too much for your fragile minds to take.

But don't take my word for it, ask these brave gentlemen of the RAF.

I'm Pauline Gower and I created the women's section of the ATA,

the Air Transport Auxiliary. Heavens! All the men are all ladies!

My moustache has fallen off in shock!

We were known as the Attagirls and not only did we fly the planes,

we also flew broken ones,

which was much more dangerous.

Does anyone have any smelling salts?

I'm feeling a little...

I'm Joy Lofthouse

and we flew everything from Spitfires to long-range bombers.

All right. I-I'm all right.

Even in the 1940s, we were paid the same as men.

The same as...

It was the first time the British Government

agreed equal pay for equal work.

Listen, ladies, this is ridiculous! You just can't...

Girlies... Aaagh! Women.

Be warned. Idiots like me will say you can't do things

just because you're female.

Don't listen.

Very good.

Which one of you clever girls did the typing?

Hello, I am Valentina Tereshkova,

proud Russian and first lady to go into space.

But what happened during my three-day orbit of Planet Earth?

Did I...?

And the answer is C.

In space, many cosmonauts feel sick from lack of gravity.

I did much puking.

And also leg hurt and couldn't leave seat for three days.

And nearly died when orbit calculations wrong

and nose smashed on helmet.

And then nearly drowned when parachute land near big lake.

But apart from that, best fun ever! Highly recommend.

Two vertical thumbs.

Well, exciting news.

After that fall,

I've become the first rat to host a TV show in a full-body cast.

Hurrah!

BONE CRACKS Oh!

Being the first to do something can obviously be very dangerous,

and there's nothing more dangerous than going into space.

Especially in those early days

when America and Soviet Russia

were battling it out to be the first to get there.

The two countries were desperate to prove they were the best.

And the American president,

John F Kennedy - ow, ow, ow, ow -

vowed to beat the Russian premier - ow, ow, ow, ow -

Nikita Khrushchev, and be the first

to put a human being on the moon.

America did it first, on July 20th, 1969.

Ow! Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin set foot on the lunar surface.

Ow, ow, ow! Take a bow,

President John F Kennedy.

I wish I could.

Many years ago,

the great British explorer George Mallory,

who would later die on Everest,

was asked why he wanted to climb it.

He said, "Because it is there."

Now, space is there, and we're going to climb it.

Well, not climb it, erm, unless there's some kind of space ladder.

WHISPERS: Is there a space ladder? No, not yet, sir.

No, apparently, there's not a space ladder.

So we're going to fly to the moon, because it is there.

But we'd better do it quick,

because the Russians have noticed it's there too.

♪ Come fly with me, it's the key to the arms race

♪ To win the Cold War we need to be the first in space

♪ There's knowledge to be gained That's the main desire we nurse

♪ Ha, you're rushing into space but we Russians got there first

♪ Our plans all went kaput-nik when you pulled that Sputnik wheeze

♪ So I vowed to beat you, chump

♪ To that lunar lump of cheese

♪ Flying to the moon

♪ Who cares about the cost?

♪ All that matters now is if I win, that means he's lost

♪ Our man Gagarin, first in space, super-fly

♪ Victorious

♪ More like furious Was he a spaceman or a spy?

♪ And Voskhod was good, we were the first to walk in space

♪ But Gemini was better, put us back in first place

♪ Then Christmas '68, our Apollo 8

♪ Around the moon did whizz

♪ You call that a triumph? Not exactly rocket science

♪ Well, yes, it is

♪ Flying to the moon

♪ Won by the USA

♪ Ha, I never craved that lunar landing anyway

♪ Whoa-oh!

♪ Flying to the moon

♪ Sure brings out your worst

♪ Billions spent!

♪ You're just mad cos we got there first. ♪

Russia didn't want to go!

THEY GRUNT