Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

♪ Romans rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

♪ Groovy Greek, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

♪ Gory stories, we do that

♪ And your host, a talking rat

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to...

♪ Horrible Histories. ♪

Horrible Histories presents...

BBC Radio Number Two.

FART NOISE

Ain't nothing newer than songs from the sewer.

Hello and welcome to BBC Radio Number Two,

the nonstop historical song-playing radio show.

Today, I've got a very special guest with me in the studio,

so let's have a big hello to Holly H.

APPLAUSE Hi, Rattus.

I kind of wish you'd told me we were going to be in a sewer.

I would have worn someone else's clothes.

And, uh, why are there so many chocolate bars floating past?

Yeah, they're, uh...they're not chocolate bars.

They're... Well, never mind. Um...

Who are your favourite Tudors?

I would have to say Elizabeth I,

or maybe Mary Queen of Scots.

Mary Tudor. Oh, I don't know.

Well, that's no problem, Holly,

because they're all in our first song.

It's the original girl power band.

Step aside, Little Mix, these are the real queens of pop.

It's the Tudor Queens!

MUSIC: TO THE TUNE OF POWER # Listen up, you all better bow down

♪ Cos I'm the Queen and I'm wearing the crown

♪ Totally messing with the patriarchy

♪ My rule will go down in history

♪ I don't care about primogeniture

♪ I'm in charge and I'm turning it around for su-u-ure

♪ I got, I got

♪ I got the power

♪ This is my time and this is my hour

♪ I'm a Tudor woman and I'm on top

♪ Get in my way, baby

♪ You're for the cho-o-op

♪ Think you'll find I was the first Tudor Queen

♪ And I wanted it to be a Protestant scene

♪ You know me as Lady Jane Grey

♪ And I only ruled for a paltry nine days

♪ I succeeded you, people knew I was legit

♪ I wanted the throne and - hail Mary - I got it

♪ For the next five years there was a Catholic at the wheel

♪ But it's hard to keep the country on an even keel

♪ When people rebelled

♪ Well, I took a stand

♪ Started burning Protestants all across the la-a-and

♪ I got, I got

♪ I got the power

♪ This is our time and this is our hour

♪ I am a Tudor woman Make no mistake

♪ Get in my way and

♪ You'll burn at the sta-a-ake

FRENCH ACCENT: # I'm Catholic Mary

♪ Was involved in many plots

♪ To be Mary Queen of England

SCOTTISH ACCENT: # As well as Queen of Scots

♪ For 45 years, I hung onto my crown

♪ By finding ways of you not being around

♪ Locked you up

♪ That was the first solution

♪ But Catholic plots meant I went for execu-ution

♪ Hold up

♪ I was just a kid but I got power, too

♪ Cos I'm Henry VIII's son and that was my due

♪ But ruling when you're young It ain't a lot of fun

♪ Not as easy as it looks

♪ Yeah, being number one

♪ So I'm telling you my step sisters

♪ They deserve respect

♪ Mary brought the Navy back and reduced the debt

♪ Liz defeated the Armada

♪ Now do you get it?

♪ When she left the throne

♪ England was in credit

♪ We got, we got We got the power

♪ That was our time and that was our hour

♪ We were Tudor women We reigned supreme

♪ Bossing it, baby

♪ We were the Queens. ♪

For a short time.

Greetings, I am Queen Elizabeth I,

and this is my mega brainy astrologer,

Dr John Dee, who is some sort of wizard?

Well, I dabble. Yes. Hmm.

Dee said he could study the movement of the stars and planets

to help ensure my reign was successful.

So what was the first job I give him?

Was it...?

And the answer is...

A.

I used astrology to predict the luckiest day

for your coronation, Your Majesty. Mm.

You did.

Seeing as you're here, what do the stars say I should have for lunch?

Oh, celestial divination is much too serious

for something so minor as your lunch, Your Majesty.

Ooh! Oh, really?

Then what do they say about you being executed?

Fish, probably have fish, I think. OK. Yeah.

OK, Holly, it's time now for the quickfire quiz.

♪ It's the quickfire quiz. ♪

It's the speed round, so name your favourite animal.

A penguin.

That starts with the letter R. A reindeer.

And it rhymes with hat.

A red cat. Cat?!

A rat. Is it a rat?

So rat is your favourite animal?

Oh, I'm flattered!

You're just saying that.

I am just saying that. You just made me say that.

But you really shouldn't have favourites, you know,

because so many animals have helped humans throughout the ages,

as this next song shows.

OK, so what have rats ever done for people? Yeah, shush, now.

MUSIC: TO THE TUNE OF YOU'RE WELCOME

OK, hey, animals.

♪ It's thanks to you we ended up here

♪ The wolf joined our pack and things started to change

♪ Fur for warmth, meat to eat

♪ Family safe

♪ So helpful!

♪ How did we cope before this exchange?

♪ Homes were built and crops matured

♪ We kept warm and cooked food thanks to manure

♪ Milk and cheese, yoghurt, too

♪ Leather shoes

♪ So thank you for that wonderful poo

♪ What can we say except we're so grateful

♪ For the poo and the food and the fur

♪ What can we say except we're so thankful

♪ For the woofs, moos, neighs and the purrs

♪ Who protects us?

♪ Keeps mice off the rye?

♪ Dogs and cats prowling by

♪ Yeah, those guys

♪ When we need warmth and love

♪ A friend who'll always be there

♪ That's what my cat does

CAT YOWLS Ouch!

♪ Also, you make a house a home

♪ We're grateful

♪ I make the spoon out of your bone

♪ Pigs and sheep

♪ Hens and goats

♪ Joined the crew

♪ We couldn't live like this without you

♪ What can we say except we're so grateful

♪ For how you've helped humanity

♪ I hope it's OK if I say we're thankful

♪ From the whale to the tiniest bee

♪ We're grateful

♪ We're gratefu-ul

♪ Well, when you think of it

♪ It's no wonder we worshipped you

♪ Look at the wins you've helped us humans do

♪ Your fur, your skin, your wool

♪ Stopped our bodies from getting too cool

♪ We tamed the donkey, tamed the ox

♪ Now we can move food on these magical rocks

♪ We bred the horses for speed and gallantry

♪ Now when there's war We can call in the cavalry

♪ In lands where we couldn't survive

♪ Domestication helped us to thrive

♪ Look where we are now Thanks to pig, horse and cow

♪ You keep me alive Let me give you five!

♪ What can we say except we're so grateful

♪ For the help and the food in my pot

♪ It's even OK you gave us influenza

♪ Not so keen on measles and smallpox

♪ But we're thankful

♪ We're thankful. ♪

BIRD COOS

Was that a coo?

OK, it's time for some of your messages!

I got a text. Oh, it's from Mum. Next!

So, this first text is from Holly in Poo Town and it says,

"Help, I'm stuck in a sewer with a massive rat,

"please get me out of here!

"It smells really bad..." Hang on a minute!

I'm really sorry. I thought I sent that to my agent.

Awkward!

Well, SOME people like sewers.

In fact, this next fan has actually written us a poem!

If you please, Holly. OK, here goes.

"Holly is great, she can get a whoop whoop

"Rattus...

"..is rubbish

"He smells like a poop poop."

Ah, well, actually, that's a compliment!

And I love poetry, so, before we play a song all about it,

here's one of mine!

A rat was out for a run

when he went and tripped over his mum.

She was carrying a stick and he felt quite sick

when the stick went right up his...

OK, it's time for the next song!

♪ Yeah

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh

♪ I wandered lonely as a cloud

♪ That floats on high o'er vales and hills

♪ When all at once I saw a crowd

♪ Yeah

♪ Wordsworth, though I rate your nature hot take

♪ Go riff on a cliff or go jump in a lake

♪ You may be inspired by your environ

♪ But I write about me

♪ The scandalous Byron

♪ My name is Keats I got all the right beats

♪ Like Wordsworth I love them nightingale tweets

♪ I'm not as posh as them and that's a big concern

♪ But I wrote an ode to a Grecian urn

♪ Beauty is truth and truth is beauty

♪ You're just a Cockney oik

♪ No need to be snooty

♪ Nature is a crazy mama

♪ The key to life in all its drama

♪ Romantics love to get the feels

♪ We imagine big

♪ We don't keep it real

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ You're an awful writer

♪ Your epic tales are lame

♪ They're all about your ego

♪ You're just jealous of my fame

♪ You don't have to struggle There's no fire in your belly

♪ I leave that stuff to Percy Bysshe Shelley

♪ Let's change the world!

♪ Our poetry sings

♪ Of dangerous power of queens and kings

♪ Men must assert their rights to grow

♪ But don't forget the ladies

♪ Hello

♪ Romantics love to get the feels

♪ We imagine big

♪ We don't keep it reals

♪ I died ignored

♪ They were gigantic

♪ Now, how about we hear from a New Romantic

♪ My story will blow you away

♪ I'm Mary Shelley and here's what I say

♪ On a holiday in Lake Geneva

♪ We got a bad storytelling fever

♪ Talk late at night of tales that affect us

♪ Frightening fables of ghosts and spectres

♪ One terrifying story of mine

♪ Inspired me to write Frankenstein

♪ That scary monster is your claim to fame

Yeah, and people still think Frankenstein was the monster's name.

♪ Romantics love to get the feels

♪ We imagine big

♪ We don't keep it real

♪ I was like a rock star, a hero

♪ We had fame too

♪ But Keats got zero

♪ 25, I died of TB

♪ I was 29 when I drowned at sea

♪ I lived to 36 but that was it for me

♪ And I was dead by 53

♪ Unlike them I was late and great-y

♪ Lived to the ripe old age of 80

♪ Life is short and cruel and frantic

♪ Nature lives on. ♪

ALL: That's so Romantic.

Greetings.

'Tis I, Lord Byron, Romantic poet and all-round fashion icon.

I was one of the most famous people of the 19th century,

and my fashion sense was off the hook.

But what was my most famous accessory?

Was it...?

And the answer is B.

My most famous accessory was a mug made from a human skull.

When my best friend Percy Shelley was cremated, I even asked

if I could keep his skull, but was refused!

I wonder why? Oh, well. Cheers.

RATTUS SOBS

Oh, Rattus, you're crying!

You must really love those Romantic poets.

No, I just sat on a rotten onion.

You can still eat it, if you don't mind wiping the bum fur off.

That's literally the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.

That's OK. More for me!

Can we just go to the next song really quickly?

Cos I think I might be sick.

Mm, well, no problem.

It's time for a political party mix anthem!

♪ Political, me lads! ♪

Politics is cool.

Really? No, not really.

But this song is. Yeah.

Did you know that Queen Victoria

reigned over Great Britain and Ireland for 63 years

and she had ten different prime ministers during her reign?

Hit it, and turn it up to number ten!

MUSIC: TO THE TUNE OF MAMBO No. 5 # One, two, three, four, ten

♪ I can count them up to five, then count five again

♪ Prime ministers, Tory, Liberal and Whig

♪ They try to tell one what to do but one doesn't give a fig

♪ A little bit of Melbourne in my life

♪ A little bit of Peel by my side

♪ A little bit of Russell That was all I need

♪ A little bit of Derby Who was he?

♪ A little bit of Aberdeen Please don't go

♪ A little bit of Palmerston Oh, dear, no

♪ A little bit of Derby Seriously, who?

♪ What? More Palmerston? No, thanks - boo!

♪ One, two, three, four, ten

♪ I can count them up to five, then count five again

♪ I liked Melbourne, Disraeli, Aberdeen, Peel

♪ But I didn't like Palmerston That's just how I feel

♪ Mambo Number Ten

♪ There was some from the left

♪ There were some from the right

♪ If we are not amused

♪ They're not doing it right!

♪ For a time Lord Russell reappeared

♪ Then someone called Derby Still no idea

♪ Then Benjamin Disraeli But not for long

♪ Then Gladstone Ugh, glad when he was gone!

♪ Disraeli for encore

♪ Then more Gladstone, what a bore!

♪ A little bit of Salisbury Please, don't go!

♪ Then more Gladstone Seriously, no!

♪ Salisbury Yes, my son!

♪ Gladstone Please, kill one

♪ The Earl of Rosebery for a bit

♪ Then more Salisbury And that's it. ♪

Queen Victoria there, and now a word from our sponsors.

Need someone to clean your fridge?

Hire a rat today.

Rattus, because your fridge stinks.

Are you meant to be doing adverts like this in the middle of a show?

Uh, no, probably not, but just think of all the malty snacks

I could bring back to the sewer if this takes off.

TOILET FLUSHES

Oh, I'd be more popular with the other rats

than the American GI soldiers were during World War II

when they turned up in Britain

with all sorts of things no-one had seen for years.

That's all the bacon they've given me for the whole week.

How do you think I feel?

This is all the butter they'd given me for the whole week.

I couldn't spread that over a slice of bread.

Wartime rationing is doing my head in.

I just want a big hunk of meat.

I know what you mean. I've jar of jam for a month - I need a six-pack!

It looks like your wish has come true, Betty.

It's... It's American soldiers!

A delivery of beefcake.

MUSIC: TO THE TUNE OF LEGEND HAS IT # Yo, yo, GIs in the village

♪ What up? ♪

ALL: What?

♪ Yo, here we is Just flew over the Atlantic

♪ So fit and healthy, we look gigantic

♪ Also paid more than your British soldiers

♪ Though we might have made up those stories we told you... ♪

Yeah, baby doll, I'm the genuine king of Brooklyn.

I know he isn't but he's got the first chocolate

we've seen in three years!

♪ You can stop painting your legs with that gravy

♪ And drawing a line that is going all wavy

♪ Cos we got the real deal We bring nylons

♪ Form an orderly queue, we don't want a pile on... ♪

RIPPING Whoa!

You're only meant to take the tights!

Ooh, I can make some clothes out of this!

♪ Our food's so good, you'll be stealing our scraps

♪ It's why we're much fitter than your British chaps

♪ Speaking of which, I see they're not here

♪ Did we mention we've got our own teeth, my dear?

♪ We're young, free, handsome and rich

♪ We also have clothes that don't make you itch

♪ The only thing we just don't know

♪ Is why you drive on the wrong side of the road...♪

HORN HONKS TYRES SCREECH

Seriously, we've had loads of crashes.

We're used to driving on the other side.

♪ We've got chewing gum, soda and candy

♪ Also music that's big swing bandy

♪ We'll be partying every weekend

♪ If you can't make the dates, I'll just ask your friend... ♪

And we was worried about the Germans invading.

♪ G I... ♪

Do you think they do this all the time?

You like what you see?

You know what? It's mostly about the chocolate.

TOILET FLUSHES

A song there about Americans and nylons and chocolate.

Rattus, why are we dressed like this?

Well, I thought we'd get in the mood for the next song

which is about Puritan dating.

I'm sorry about the hat, by the way.

I just ordered two in a rat medium

and I think you might be a large.

Charming. Do you not think I look silly in this?

TOILET FLUSHES Mm.

So, Puritan dating meant you were only supposed to talk to each other

via a courting tube like the one that you'll find by your feet.

Why don't you give it a try, Holly?

RATS SQUEAK AND SCAMPER

TOILET FLUSHES

RATTUS, I LOVE YOU!

Yep, seems to work.

Stop that! Get inside so you can flirt in the proper Puritan manner.

MUSIC: TO THE TUNE OF CALL ME MAYBE

♪ Your parents don't think I'm bad

♪ You've been polite to my dad

♪ If we go too fast, they'll be sad

♪ We must court in the right way

♪ All of our parents approve

♪ So time to make your first move

♪ Via a shiny brass tube

♪ And keep it in our way

♪ Our lives, they are changing

♪ Our marriage, they're arranging

♪ Your hormones might be raging

♪ But there's no touching, baby

♪ Hey, I just met you

♪ And this is crazy

♪ But here's my call tube

♪ So court me maybe

♪ I'm not allowed to

♪ Touch you, baby

♪ But here's my call tube

♪ So court me maybe

♪ My parents think you're a catch

♪ Yours think we'll make a good match

♪ I think you're an itch I could scratch

♪ But something's in our way

♪ And as we talk more and more

♪ I think it's you I adore

♪ But this bundling board has been put in our way

♪ This is to see if I can

♪ Sleep next to a real man

♪ In a way that's Puritan

♪ You can still use the trumpet, baby

♪ Getting to know you

♪ And this is crazy

♪ But here's my call tube

♪ So court me maybe

♪ We are together

♪ But separated

♪ Love regulated

♪ Keeps parents happy

♪ We are romancing

♪ Puritanically

♪ I think I like you

♪ Let's get married maybe

♪ We can get together

♪ And have a baby

♪ Won't need my call tube

♪ When I'm your lady. ♪

The oppressive sound of Puritan dating there.

So, Holly, what do you think about boy bands?

Um, there's a lot of them. Yeah, there is.

You must've heard of One Di-rat-tion.

Um... No.

Oh, there's a photo around here somewhere

that might help jog your memory.

No. Come on! We were big stars back in the day.

You must remember our singles - We Built This Squity,

Look What You Made Me Doo-Doo,

Shape Of Poo.

And these rose to the top of the charts?

They were certainly floaters.

Sorry, I've never heard of you.

Well, in that case, there's zero chance

you'll have heard of this next band, The Founding Fathers.

Oh, my goodness, I love Ben Franklin!

He is like the cutest guy EVER!

And that whole USA thing they did - that was so cool.

Unbelievable.

♪ Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa

♪ F-f-f-founding fathers

♪ My ancestors left England

♪ Life there they could not stand

♪ Our gramps and grans left too

♪ For a new life in a new land

♪ The Franklin clan held on

♪ Till Dad said, "Franklin, time to go"

♪ At 17 I set sail

♪ To where revolution was starting to grow

♪ Us colonists were rising up

♪ No longer Brits, we'd had enough

♪ No tax without representation

♪ Time to rise with our own nation

♪ We led the revolution

♪ Dump Britain, the solution

♪ Older, wiser, stronger, smarter

♪ Each of us a founding father

♪ I wrote the bill of independence

♪ I led troops to win through defence

♪ I did news Army admin

♪ Together, we're founding dads

♪ Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa

♪ F-f-f-founding fathers

♪ We each brought different talents

♪ To the running of the state

♪ I wrote the law

♪ I won the war

♪ And I was simply great

♪ I came up with the swivel chair

♪ Think you're a clever bot?

♪ I built a stove, invented bifocals and the lightning rod

♪ Making stuff, a skill I lack I guess I'll raise a load of tax

♪ I'll win their trust # I'll write down facts

♪ Unite the states! I play my axe!

♪ Start a revolution

♪ With a proper constitution

♪ You tried hard, we'll try harder

♪ Each of us a founding father

♪ True, we may be your ascendant

♪ Now that we are independent

♪ Do more trade We'll grow crops

♪ Come on, guys, we're the founding pops

♪ Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa

♪ F-f-f-founding fathers

♪ We disagreed on loads but on one thing we all chime

♪ We've got to make America great for the first time

♪ Started with revolution

♪ American evolution

♪ Seeing off the English baddies

♪ Yes, we are the founding daddies

♪ Not bad for a group of lads

♪ Welcome to the founding dads Got no time for father-haters

♪ All praise to the founding paters

♪ Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa

♪ F-f-f-founding fathers

♪ Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa

♪ F-f-f-founding fathers. ♪

Good day, I'm Thomas Jefferson,

and welcome to the outdoor toilet in my local pub,

The Michie Tavern.

Now, what do you think this rope was used for?

Was it...?

The answer is, of course, C.

The landlord put it here

because people kept falling bum-first into the big pooing hole.

Now, obviously, I'm one of the smartest men in all of America

so I'm not going to fall bum-first into any...

SQUELCH! Oh!

Oh, my!

Oh, it's like sticky, stinky molasses.

Ugh!

I'm stuck.

Help! Help!

Monumental track there from The Founding Fathers.

Sadly now, though, we have to say goodbye to Holly H.

Thanks for having me, Rattus. It's been...

..smelly but fun. Mm.

Before you go, I've got an idea for a movie.

I'd like to run it past you, if that's OK.

TOILET FLUSHES Do I have a choice? Mm.

BOOMING VOICE: In a dangerous world, only one rat can save the day -

Spider Rat in The Sca-vengers U-Bend Game.

Um, I think that's been done before.

OK, then. Um...

Star Rats, The Rise Of Sewer Walker.

Yep, that's been done too.

Turd Story 7?

Rattus, if you want to make a film,

you're going to have to come up with something original!

Should have made a film in Victorian times,

everything was original then

because they were making the very first films.

TOILET FLUSHES Oh, really? Yeah!

But don't take my word for it,

this guy can tell you all about the greatest show.

MUSIC: TO THE TUNE OF THE GREATEST SHOW

♪ It started with smoke and mirrors and what the butler saw

♪ Oh-oh-oh

♪ We had photos but we wanted something more

♪ Oh-oh-oh

♪ So Dickson and Edison made something we can't ignore

♪ Pictures that moved They blew our brains

♪ As we sat there facing an oncoming train

♪ At first the films were short and shot outside

♪ People pulling faces, drinking milk and travel guides

♪ As the movies grew to many minutes long

♪ They needed something new to show the throng

♪ So they crashed a rocket in the moon and filmed King John

♪ Drew some pictures, made them move and called it animation

♪ Movie stars got famous Charlie Chaplain, Buster Keaton

♪ They're just the start of our favourite thing

♪ We don't even mind the queue

♪ On screen our dreams come true

-♪ In 3 -D and sometimes 2

♪ The movie picture show!

♪ You can use your phone to view

♪ And use it to make films too

♪ Be a Minion or maybe Gru

♪ The moving picture show! Oh-oh-oh

♪ They blew our minds when the first actor spoke

♪ Oh-oh-oh

♪ Adding colour changed everything at a stroke

♪ Oh-oh-oh

♪ Crash zoom, widescreen and the records broke

♪ Special effects, science fiction

♪ Now at home on your television

♪ Star Wars and Ghostbusters were gigantic

♪ But nothing ever really topped Titanic

♪ Yeah, OK, Avatar Don't be pedantic

♪ But now things are really getting frantic

♪ High definition, downloads and motion capture

♪ Crowdfunding Now YouTube is coming at you

♪ Star Wars is back and we are in rapture

♪ Where will it end?

♪ We hope it never ends

♪ We don't even mind the queue

♪ On screen, our dreams come true

-♪ In 3 -D and sometimes 2

♪ The moving picture show!

♪ You can use your phone to view

♪ And use it to make films too

♪ Be a Minion or maybe Gru

♪ The moving picture show!

♪ Oh-oh-oh. ♪

♪ Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts

♪ The ugly truth, no glam or glitz We showed you all the juicy bits

♪ Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel

♪ Stuff they don't teach you at school

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. ♪