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♪ Terrible Tudors
Gorgeous Georgians
Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
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00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:07,000
♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights
Dingy castles, daring knights
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00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:09,800
♪ Horrors that defy description
Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
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00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:12,200
♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes
Punishment from ancient times
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00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:15,040
♪ Romans rotten, rank and ruthless
Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless
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00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:18,040
♪ Groovy Greek, brainy sages
Mean and measly Middle Ages
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♪ Gory stories, we do that
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♪ And your host, a talking rat
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♪ The past is no longer a mystery
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00:00:26,240 --> 00:00:27,520
♪ Welcome to...
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♪ Horrible Histories. ♪
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Horrible Histories presents
Outrageous Olympics.
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00:00:37,360 --> 00:00:41,680
We Greeks loved our sport,
so much so that we invented
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00:00:41,680 --> 00:00:46,560
the Olympic Games, the world's
oldest sporting competition.
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00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:48,640
Although, strangely,
in the early days,
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00:00:48,640 --> 00:00:50,200
the event wasn't a competition
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00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:52,480
and it didn't have anything to do
with sport.
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00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:55,040
Guys, I think it's pretty clear
that our religious festival
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00:00:55,040 --> 00:00:57,640
celebrating Zeus is getting
a little bit stale.
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00:00:57,640 --> 00:01:01,040
In an attempt to inspire
some much-needed enthusiasm,
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00:01:01,040 --> 00:01:03,640
the Zeus Festival committee
has invited Sophie
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00:01:03,640 --> 00:01:07,640
and Sebastian to an ideas meeting
to come up with some new events.
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00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:09,480
I hope you guys are hungry,
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00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:12,720
because we have cooked up
a bowl of idea soup that you,
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00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:15,440
young man, are going to be picking
out of that little beard for days.
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00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:20,160
OK, so, we've got running,
boxing, wrestling.
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Hang on, it's not a sporting event.
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We're looking to liven up
a religious festival.
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It's held at one of Greece's
most holy sites, Mount Olympus.
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00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:33,360
OK, so, it's possible we might have
got our presentations mixed up.
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00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:36,320
Yeah, that so explains why
our human sacrifice ideas didn't
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00:01:36,320 --> 00:01:38,880
go down very well in front
of the international cricket board.
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00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:41,440
Do you know what? Why don't we,
like, combine them both
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00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:44,760
so we've got like a sporting event
that celebrates a religious festival
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00:01:44,760 --> 00:01:47,440
all in the sanctuary
on Mount Olympus.
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And we'll call it the Olym-poosics!
Yes!
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00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:52,280
Can I get a Peloponnesian wave?
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00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:53,680
Yes, you can!
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00:01:55,080 --> 00:01:58,280
You know, we could get some slaves
to build a stadium,
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00:01:58,280 --> 00:01:59,400
and until then...
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00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:03,080
We could hold the events in the
olive groves around the mountain
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00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:06,600
and we could give the winners
bits of the trees as prizes.
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00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:11,800
We were thinking of like medals, but
whatever. Toss them. They are gone.
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00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:15,720
The only thing I'm wondering is why
boxing and running honours the gods?
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00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:19,360
OK, it's the heroes that the
sports event creates which will
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00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:23,160
honour Dr Zeus, big up!
It's just Zeus, actually.
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00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:25,120
Horton Hears A what?
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Yeah, I think you might be
thinking of a different Zeus.
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Ding-ding! Round one, boxing.
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Let's take our biggest fighter
and pitch them against our smallest.
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So brutal. I love it already.
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00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:39,920
Loving you. I mean,
it sounds awesome.
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00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:41,800
Can't wait to see it. Oh...
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00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:45,280
Awks. Yeah... You're not going.
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Women are banned.
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Right, well, we'd never agreed to
that.
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Quick vote? BOTH: Ye-ah!
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3-0!
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Premium exclusivity.
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The Olym-poosics are born!
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00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:02,160
Might have to work on the name
a little bit. Unbelievable.
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00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:08,600
Thankfully, the modern Olympics
are for everyone, even me!
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And I've brought in
Olympic footballer
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and ex-Arsenal captain
Alex Scott to help me train.
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00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:18,400
Well, I'm just having a look. I
think we've got a lot of work to do.
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But tell me, what event are you
competing in?
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00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:22,600
Fart-chery. Excuse me?
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00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:23,880
Fart-chery.
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00:03:23,880 --> 00:03:26,360
You know, you eat a lot of beans,
then you take an arrow
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00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:29,280
and you stick it up your... Whoa,
whoa, whoa! Hold it right there.
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I'm not sure they're going to allow
that at the Olympics. Aw!
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00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:35,040
Come on, it wouldn't be the first
time in history that
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a top sport has been banned.
A top sport, really?
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00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:39,840
Well, it's more popular than
burp-minton.
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00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:41,720
HE BURPS
Ooh! 1-0!
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00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:46,520
Ooh! In your monk face!
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00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:49,520
Ooh, best of nine? Yeah, OK.
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00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:51,400
Though it's getting a bit boring,
you know,
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00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:53,360
me beating you all of the time.
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00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:56,440
I'm so glad that you invented
this sport to pass the time.
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00:03:56,440 --> 00:03:58,400
WHISPERS: Don't call kegels a sport.
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00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:00,600
You know the abbot has banned sport.
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00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:04,080
He thinks it gets us addicted and
leads to gambling and immorality.
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What is gambling?
BELL TOLLS
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00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:09,240
Aha! I caught you red-handed!
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00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:11,120
You are doing a sport?!
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00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:13,920
You are going to be in such trouble
when I tell the bishop!
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00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:17,600
No, no, no, no! Don't tell
the bishop, because this here is...
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00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:21,960
It's not a sport. Oh, great.
Come on, let's hear it.
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00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:23,840
OK, well, we are just...
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Training to fight the devil.
CHOIR SINGS
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00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:31,520
Yeah, exactly. You see this?
This is...
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The word of God.
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00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:37,200
Yeah, und the kegels are...
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00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:39,960
Heathen nonbelievers.
Yeah. So the ball...
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00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:41,040
The word of God.
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..hits the kegels.
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00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:45,640
Heathen nonbelievers.
Yeah, them. And...
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00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:49,000
Cleanses them
of their sins forever. Yeah!
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00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:50,760
It knocks the devil
right out of them.
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00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:52,160
High five!
SINGING STOPS
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Or not.
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00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:57,480
May I have a go? Sure! Go for it.
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00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:06,320
Ooh! Hah! Yes! In your face,
devil! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
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00:05:06,320 --> 00:05:08,600
You're a natural sportsman, abbot.
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00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:10,400
Saver of souls-man, abbot.
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00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:13,400
Well, it's beginners' luck, maybe.
Erm... set them up again,
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00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:17,920
I can see some more
heathen souls that need saving.
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00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:19,000
BELL TOLLS
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Sport?!
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00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:24,760
Abbot, I thought you said sport
was immoral. You banned it!
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00:05:24,760 --> 00:05:29,440
No, it's actually, Bishop, it's not
sport. I am defeating the devil.
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00:05:29,440 --> 00:05:32,640
Cleansing the souls of...
Guys, guys, the...
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00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:36,480
I don't know what he's talking
about. No, he should know better.
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00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:39,800
Yeah, we just found him
in here breaking his own law.
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00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:41,760
Guys, this is...! No, no, come on.
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00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:44,040
Save your excuses for the Pope.
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00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:45,880
Boys, take him away.
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HE STAMMERS
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00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:49,880
But I didn't even
knock them all down!
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00:05:53,280 --> 00:05:55,800
Ooh! Still got it!
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00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:02,760
Good afternoon and welcome to
rural Scotland for today's
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00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:06,840
coverage of the Puritan Games, 1654!
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00:06:06,840 --> 00:06:10,080
Well, I think I speak for everyone
when I say this is probably
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00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:12,760
the best tennis court
in the whole of England.
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00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:14,440
And not a line out of place.
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00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:17,880
I'm almost pleased Cromwell
cancelled the tennis.
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00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:21,240
Yes, as sport is a frivolous
and ungodly pursuit,
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00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:26,720
Lord Protector Oliver Cromwell has
banned almost every single one.
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00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,600
There really is
not much left to talk about.
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00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:37,000
All right, I know what we can do.
Yeah.
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00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:39,360
I spy... Oh, I like that.
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00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:42,240
..with my little eye,
something beginning with...
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00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:44,560
Uh...
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00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:47,440
E-T-C.
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00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:49,480
It's not empty tennis court, is it?
THEY LAUGH
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00:06:49,480 --> 00:06:51,560
It was. Try this one on, then.
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00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:56,760
I spy with my little eye, something
beginning with T-S-E-T-C-A.
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00:06:56,760 --> 00:06:59,000
The same empty tennis court again?!
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00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:01,560
Yes! It's got...! Right,
you go again. That was good.
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00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:02,920
Oh.
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00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:08,480
Apparently they've banned I Spy too.
Oh, come on!
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00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:11,600
It's true that not everyone
in history was a fan of sport,
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00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:13,400
but we Tudors loved it.
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00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:16,560
From peasants playing village
football to King Henry VIII
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00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:20,360
and his jousting, and his tennis
and his archery and his...
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00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:23,480
OK, Henry really did love his sport.
And he wasn't alone.
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00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:26,360
Almost every man in Britain
practised archery.
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00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:28,720
They had to, it was the law.
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00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:31,040
Delighted to have you here,
Your Majesty,
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00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:32,640
Your Highness, Lady Boleyn.
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00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:35,240
I have to admit, it did take me
a bit by surprise.
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00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:37,760
Yeah, well, just a random little
visit to see how my law
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00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:39,920
making all men under 40
practise archery
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00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:41,520
on a Saturday is getting along.
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00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:43,480
Well, they're certainly
practising all right.
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00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:46,320
I mean, some of them aren't that...
STRING TWANGS
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00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:49,320
..great. Yeah. But hopefully
they will show some...
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00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:50,440
Ooh, duck!
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00:07:50,440 --> 00:07:51,400
AH!
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00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:54,640
Begging your pardon, Your Highness,
this is the beginners' session.
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00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:56,000
Well, whatever.
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00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:59,480
Show Anne a good time and I'll
catch up with you guys later. OK?
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00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:02,600
Oh, aren't you coming with us?
Hm? Uh, no.
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00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:05,200
I've, um, got to...
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00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:08,120
No, I'm not. Later! Oh.
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00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:11,600
The affairs of state, no doubt.
No doubt. This way.
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00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:12,760
Ooh! Oh!
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00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:14,800
AHH! Oh, gosh! That was close.
Watch your backs!
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00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:16,360
THUMPS
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00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:17,560
Never mind.
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00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:24,080
Of course, some people might argue
that archery should be
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00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:26,960
left for them that are,
I don't know,
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00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:33,040
good at it as opposed to, as it says
here in the law, "everybody".
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00:08:33,040 --> 00:08:37,880
Oh, everybody under 40. Yeah, but
then, most people only live to 40.
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00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:41,600
Or less if they live around here.
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00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:45,440
We are losing a lot of people to
training accidents. Oh, my goodness!
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00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:49,120
What happened here? Oh!
This is our arrow collector.
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00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:50,880
How's it going, George? Great.
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00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:53,120
THUMP
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00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:56,120
Yeah, I'm just not sure this whole
archery for everyone thing
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00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:59,360
is working. Yes, well,
my husband is rather keen...
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00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:02,400
HENRY: I can benchpress 12 stone.
Oh, look, there he is now.
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00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:07,040
Working hard at his new girlfriend
Jane Seymour.
185
00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:10,720
You've got the bicep, tricep,
and eye-cep. Oh!
186
00:09:12,080 --> 00:09:13,440
Do you know what?
187
00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:18,600
I think my husband's right, I think
archery should be for everyone.
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00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:21,080
My wife, she's seen us.
189
00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:24,560
Uh, hello, darling! You'll never
guess who I bumped into.
190
00:09:24,560 --> 00:09:29,080
Now, now, now, put the bow down,
darling. That's a real weapon, that.
191
00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:32,200
OK, well, if you're going to fire,
a little to the right. OK.
192
00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:33,920
Move! Oh!
193
00:09:35,760 --> 00:09:37,240
Nice shot, darling!
194
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:40,920
Are we still on for date night?
195
00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:46,200
Mental strength is an important
aspect of playing sport,
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00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:48,880
which is what Mary Queen of Scots
must have had,
197
00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:53,040
as she was seen playing golf
very soon after her husband's death.
198
00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:54,800
Very, very soon.
199
00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:56,480
Some would say suspiciously soon.
200
00:09:57,960 --> 00:10:02,080
IN FRENCH ACCENT: Oh, no,
double bogey again, Lord Bothwell.
201
00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:04,000
Je suis desole.
202
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:06,080
IN SCOTTISH ACCENT:
Hey, give me that mashie.
203
00:10:06,080 --> 00:10:08,280
I'm going to smash the next one
over the horizon.
204
00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:10,160
Sorry, are you the
ex-Queen of France today,
205
00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:11,560
or the current Queen of Scotland?
206
00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:14,000
I'm your queen, Bothwell.
207
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:15,520
And don't you forget it.
208
00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:17,960
Mon petit chou.
209
00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:19,880
Your Majesty! Uh-oh. Your Majesty!
210
00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:23,480
What's this tattie-bogle want?
Your Majesty, Your Majesty!
211
00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:24,600
May I have a word?
212
00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:27,920
FRENCH ACCENT: Oh, salut,
mon bishop! How lovely to see you.
213
00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:31,800
Oh, my condolences on the death
of your husband, Lord Darnley.
214
00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:34,680
SHE WHINES, CRIES
215
00:10:34,680 --> 00:10:38,520
It's so sad. Such a tragic accident.
216
00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:40,080
SCOTTISH ACCENT: Bothwell, Hankey.
217
00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:48,240
Yes, for Lord Darnley to be blown up
accidentally in his own home
218
00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:50,920
and then for the body to be
found in the garden,
219
00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:53,200
strangely strangled
after the explosion,
220
00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:56,480
it is, as you say, tragic.
221
00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:59,240
Yes, I'm amazed the two barrels
of gunpowder didn't kill him.
222
00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:03,200
Still, everyone's luck runs out
eventually.
223
00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:04,480
Ow! Uh, uh...
224
00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:09,360
Yeah, very bad luck, really, to get
strangled by an explosion. Mm!
225
00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:13,120
FRENCH ACCENT: I don't think
I will ever recover from the grief.
226
00:11:13,120 --> 00:11:15,600
SCOTTISH ACCENT: Hey, numpty,
give me that niblick.
227
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:17,920
This ground is rougher than
Bothwell's body.
228
00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:23,840
Yes, I can see Your Majesty
is very, very sad.
229
00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:28,040
But one wonders how it might look
to the outside world to be
230
00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:32,240
out here enjoying playing golf
just three days after his death.
231
00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:35,720
Some people might say it looks
a little bit cold-hearted.
232
00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:38,720
FRENCH ACCENT: Ah! You think
I don't care about my dead husband?
233
00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:40,480
Ow! Ooww!
234
00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:44,040
You, sir, you are the cold-hearted
one. Just hang on a minute.
235
00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:49,280
SCOTTISH ACCENT: Get in! Ha-ha!
236
00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:50,840
Your Majesty, I really don't think
237
00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:53,320
it's appropriate to be out here
playing golf.
238
00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:56,640
Now, see here. You shut your geggie,
you rooster.
239
00:11:56,640 --> 00:12:00,160
I am mad with grief, me,
I'm on the edge.
240
00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:03,320
And golf is the only thing that
keeps me calm. I'm sorry.
241
00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:04,960
I'm going to have to
put my foot down...
242
00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:07,880
And we all know what happens
when I'm not calm, don't we?
243
00:12:07,880 --> 00:12:11,120
HE WHIMPERS
Now, awa' an bile yer heid. Yeah?
244
00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:12,960
HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
245
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:15,680
FRENCH ACCENT: Thank you
for your condolences, Bishop.
246
00:12:15,680 --> 00:12:20,520
Now, monsieur caddy, I believe
that was, how you say,
247
00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:22,320
hole in one.
248
00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:24,040
Actually, no.
249
00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:25,560
Oh!
250
00:12:25,560 --> 00:12:28,560
Oh, no, look! Ha! Straight in. Hm.
251
00:12:28,560 --> 00:12:31,200
Your fourth hole in one today. Mm.
252
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:32,680
Well done.
253
00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:35,720
Right, Rattus, I think
we should start with some press-ups.
254
00:12:35,720 --> 00:12:36,920
Press-ups, yeah.
255
00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:38,560
WHISPERS: Slavedriver. Right.
256
00:12:38,560 --> 00:12:41,480
HE STRAINS
257
00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:43,200
One. Keep it going.
258
00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:44,520
HE STRAINS
259
00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:46,600
HE SNORES
260
00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:50,360
Rattus! Oy!
I'm just nursing a sporting injury.
261
00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:53,600
I ate too much runny cheese.
Get it? Runny! Ha-ha!
262
00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:55,960
Rattus, that is
not a sporting injury.
263
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:59,080
Trust me, I know all about injuries,
I was a footballer.
264
00:12:59,080 --> 00:13:00,760
Yeah, that's true. Yeah.
265
00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:03,560
I bet medieval footballers
got a load of injuries.
266
00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:07,160
Yeah, their opposition was a whole
town of maniacs armed to the teeth.
267
00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:09,240
To be fair, I played a couple
of modern games
268
00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:10,640
that actually felt like that.
269
00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:14,120
Was it Spurs? That's not nice.
270
00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:15,680
All right, then. This way.
271
00:13:15,680 --> 00:13:17,600
Yeah, right there.
There we go. Sweet.
272
00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:21,680
Yes, yes! What is happening?
We are the H2 freestylers.
273
00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:24,400
And today, we are
in the medieval village of Ashborn
274
00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:27,680
in Derbyshire for the traditional
Shrovetide football match.
275
00:13:27,680 --> 00:13:28,800
That's right. And today,
276
00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:31,000
it's Billiam's turn to set me
a football challenge.
277
00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:33,640
So, Bill, what do you
want to see for me today?
278
00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:37,920
My challenge for you, Jezermy,
is the Keep The Ball... Sweet.
279
00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:41,360
..Away From 500 Villagers, Run A
Mile And One Half, Jump In The River
280
00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:44,600
And Hit The Ball Off A Millstone
Three Times Challenge!
281
00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:48,920
I thought we were doing football
challenges, mate. Yeah, we are.
282
00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:50,360
Medieval football.
283
00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:56,240
Sounds doable. Did I mention
the villagers are armed?
284
00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:57,920
No, you didn't, mate.
Well, they will be.
285
00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:59,800
They'll have daggers
and sticks and whatnot
286
00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:03,200
and they are trying to score off
a millstone in the other direction.
287
00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:07,960
O...K. Uh, any other rules?
Just one.
288
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:10,560
No murder or manslaughter,
but everything else is fair game.
289
00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:12,880
Right, that's... No, hang on.
Sorry... Good luck, mate!
290
00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:14,400
Good luck, what do you mean?!
291
00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:16,720
SHOUTING
292
00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:25,320
Come on, mate, get up.
I'm good, actually.
293
00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:27,960
Ooh, is that your spleen?
HE GROANS
294
00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:32,680
In Roman times,
we had no footballers.
295
00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:35,840
Our sporting superstars
were the chariot riders,
296
00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:39,000
and they could become
incredibly rich and famous.
297
00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:41,680
That's if they could
live for long enough.
298
00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:47,440
Final chariot check.
Recalibrate left axle 25%.
299
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:51,280
Check.
300
00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:53,760
Brakes.
301
00:14:56,240 --> 00:14:57,800
Gone.
302
00:14:57,800 --> 00:14:59,800
And a complete safety test?
303
00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:02,840
Safety? Just kidding!
THEY LAUGH
304
00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:06,760
All we need now is our driver.
Apparently, this is his first race.
305
00:15:06,760 --> 00:15:07,800
HORNS PLAY
306
00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:11,880
Greetings. Lewis Hamiltonus
from Britannia.
307
00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:14,320
You must be my pit crew.
308
00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:15,360
What do I call you?
309
00:15:15,360 --> 00:15:16,920
Oh, we don't bother with names.
310
00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:19,000
The drivers tend not to
be around that long.
311
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:21,400
Mm, I guess we hit the big time
pretty quick, huh?
312
00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:23,120
Big time? What do you mean big time?
313
00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:25,240
I mean like Scorpus.
314
00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:27,160
The greatest charioteer ever.
315
00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:29,080
Ah, Scorpus.
316
00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:32,520
Yeah, he is he is up there
in heaven looking down on us.
317
00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:34,040
No, we are looking at
the hole he made
318
00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:35,960
when he crashed through the wall,
you idiot.
319
00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:38,560
Yeah, we were scraping bits of him
off of there for days.
320
00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:40,440
Never could find the other ear. No.
321
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,040
Come on, then. Up you pop.
322
00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:44,680
The race starts in five minutes.
323
00:15:44,680 --> 00:15:45,840
Yeah, better get cracking
324
00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:48,120
if we're going to finish
building this chariot in time.
325
00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:50,520
Finish? What do you mean finish?
It is finished.
326
00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:54,000
Oh. Won't I fall out? Don't worry,
you'll be securely fastened...
327
00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:56,640
Oh, good. ..to the horses
with these ropes.
328
00:15:56,640 --> 00:15:58,120
And then you just lean
329
00:15:58,120 --> 00:15:59,800
from side to side to stay in.
330
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:02,920
Won't that be dangerous? No, no,
the horses will be completely fine.
331
00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:07,120
When you crash, use this to cut
yourself free, OK, please?
332
00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:09,200
What, at 30 miles per hour?
Will that work?
333
00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:11,760
No. But it's going to be
brilliant for the crowds.
334
00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:13,560
OK, I'm not sure
I want to do this...
335
00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:14,880
HORNS PLAY
336
00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:16,640
OK, it's time to catch the horses.
337
00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:18,000
Now, don't worry.
338
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:20,640
Just remember, when you crash,
339
00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:22,560
you need to adopt this position.
340
00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:25,080
"Oh, my goodness, I'm going to
crash." Wait, but...
341
00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:26,160
Good luck, mate.
342
00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:28,400
HORNS PLAY
Whoa!
343
00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:30,640
Hey, wait, wait!
You forgot your helmet.
344
00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:31,800
HORSE NEIGHS
345
00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:33,320
CROWD GROANS
346
00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:35,160
It's a shame. I liked him.
347
00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:40,920
Greetings. I am the mighty king
Esarhaddon of Assyria.
348
00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:44,120
Now, my people enjoyed
all types of sport.
349
00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:47,960
Hunting, wrestling, archery,
that sort of thing.
350
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:51,520
But what was different
about how we played polo?
351
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,000
Was it...
352
00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:09,400
And the answer is...
353
00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:12,800
..B. Assyrian polo involved
hitting the ball
354
00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:15,080
while riding on men's shoulders.
355
00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:19,160
Isn't that right?
356
00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:20,680
Indeed, Your Majesty.
357
00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:23,040
Though it is a shame you don't
play polo.
358
00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:24,440
No, I know.
359
00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:26,800
I just want a ride to the shops.
360
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:28,480
Come on. Let's go.
361
00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:30,000
Someone call a doctor.
362
00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:34,480
GROANING
363
00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:36,800
Rattus, this is great.
I'm actually so proud.
364
00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:38,680
You're taking it serious.
365
00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:40,640
STRAINING: Yeah, I certainly am,
Alex.
366
00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:43,640
I've even developed my own
cheese exercise equipment.
367
00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:45,640
I think that counts as one.
368
00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:46,760
GROANING
369
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:52,280
Wait, hold on a minute,
I see what's going on here.
370
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:55,240
Exercise is meant to make you
fit and healthy.
371
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:58,120
That is not going to happen
if you eat the equipment.
372
00:17:58,120 --> 00:18:00,400
This is such a weird gym you have.
373
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:02,320
You think this is weird?
374
00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:03,920
Ha, not even close.
375
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:06,480
The Romans were all
naked in their gyms.
376
00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:11,280
And there was a Victorian exercise
fan who had a steam-powered gym,
377
00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:13,720
and that wasn't even
the weirdest thing about it.
378
00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:16,120
Really? No. Take a look at this.
379
00:18:16,120 --> 00:18:18,920
Hey, you there, on the sofa.
380
00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:22,160
That's right. You,
with the lazy bones.
381
00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:25,720
Isn't it time that you started
getting fit and healthy?
382
00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:30,080
I'm Gustav Zander and I'm here to
help you get lean in 18...
383
00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:33,360
..70.
384
00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:36,040
As in the year, 18...
It's a little joke.
385
00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:38,320
Here, the first ever gym,
386
00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:41,800
you'll find state-of-the-art
steam-powered exercise machines.
387
00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:42,840
Like...
388
00:18:49,120 --> 00:18:51,720
And you'll also find
a whole bunch of fit people
389
00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:53,480
having a heck of a lot of fun.
390
00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:56,320
Wow.
391
00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:58,200
In just 15 minutes a day,
392
00:18:58,200 --> 00:19:00,560
I can transform your body
from this...
393
00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:02,800
..to this.
394
00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:05,840
Which, if you can see underneath
the heavy frock coat,
395
00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:08,600
three-piece suit, undershirt,
the knee-length drawers,
396
00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:10,960
is seriously buff.
397
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:12,920
Wow.
398
00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:14,080
That's actually huge.
399
00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:18,800
Yes, we've got everything
you could want from a gym.
400
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:20,960
Um, apart from changing rooms.
401
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:23,320
Obviously.
402
00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:25,680
So I'll be seeing you down Zander's.
403
00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:31,120
Ever since I restarted the Olympics,
404
00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:34,800
I've always dreamed of staging it
in my own country of France.
405
00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:39,040
After a successful relaunch of
the Olympic Games in 1896,
406
00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:43,720
sports enthusiast Baron de Coubertin
is holding his Olympics in Paris,
407
00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:46,720
and is deciding on a few new events.
408
00:19:46,720 --> 00:19:48,840
Bonjour, les guys.
409
00:19:48,840 --> 00:19:51,480
What say nous all work together
410
00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:53,840
to make le event magnifique?
411
00:19:53,840 --> 00:19:54,920
Vive le French.
412
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:59,080
OK, let's start in the pool.
413
00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:01,640
So, how about a swimming...
414
00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:03,000
..assault course?
415
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,000
That's not sport, that's just silly.
416
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,760
Uh, yeah, if silly is French
for awesome.
417
00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:09,040
Word. It's not.
418
00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:12,320
Look, we only want
a small number of events
419
00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:16,160
and a small number of only
the most serious athletes.
420
00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:17,600
Do you know the long jump?
421
00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:20,760
Yes. That is more the sort of event
we were hoping for.
422
00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:22,520
Yeah. What about horse long jump?
423
00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:24,600
What? No. No? No?
424
00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:26,960
♪ No, no, no, no, no, no
No, no, no, no, no, no
425
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:28,720
♪ There's no limit. ♪
426
00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:31,920
..to how awesome these games are
going to be, cos we've got...
427
00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:33,320
..pigeon racing. Ka-kaw!
428
00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:34,720
Cannon shooting. Banging!
429
00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:37,960
Discus in the words so the big metal
frisbee bounces off the trees.
430
00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:40,480
BELL RINGS
431
00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:42,600
Please form an orderly line
with your fire marshals
432
00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:44,160
because these ideas are on fire.
433
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:45,920
And so are these Olympics,
434
00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:49,720
because we're going to have
firefighting as an event.
435
00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:51,720
Yeah, we're going to set
a building on fire
436
00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:53,960
and send crews in
to rescue models of people.
437
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:56,520
Ah! Not real people.
438
00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:58,160
Well, I can speak for everyone
439
00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:00,880
when I tell you where you can
stick your silly ideas.
440
00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:04,320
Yes. In the box marked fantastique.
441
00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:06,200
We'll do all of them.
442
00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:08,920
It will be amazing if the Olympics
survives this year.
443
00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:12,480
VOICEOVER: It's the middle of term
444
00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:15,320
and following an unfortunate
trip to the zoo,
445
00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:19,520
head teacher Lesley Winkworth
is in need of two new teachers.
446
00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:21,920
Welcome to Historical Educating.
447
00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:27,000
-Class 7
-B lost both their
biology teacher and PE teacher.
448
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:30,920
Luckily, Victorian cricketer
WG Grace's CV came through
449
00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:32,480
just at the right time.
450
00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:34,760
It's a really impressive CV.
451
00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:37,000
One of the greatest
cricketers of all time,
452
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:39,560
as well as a qualified doctor.
453
00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:44,920
IN A HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:
I am the legendary WG Grace.
454
00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:47,000
LAUGHTER
455
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:50,160
One of the first
sporting celebrities,
456
00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:52,560
qualified Victorian doctor,
457
00:21:52,560 --> 00:21:55,280
and now your teacher.
458
00:21:55,280 --> 00:21:57,440
Is that a jar of mustard?
It is, yeah.
459
00:21:57,440 --> 00:21:58,680
I get paid to promote it
460
00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:02,320
because I'm the most famous
sportsman of my generation.
461
00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:03,880
Check this out.
462
00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:06,480
You think I'm hot?
Try the mustard.
463
00:22:07,720 --> 00:22:10,800
How are you a famous sportsman?
You don't look very fit.
464
00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:12,720
Right, we'll see who's fit.
465
00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:14,520
You, young man, are bowling.
466
00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:17,120
Grab that bin. We need a wicket.
467
00:22:17,120 --> 00:22:19,920
Here is WG Grace.
468
00:22:19,920 --> 00:22:23,920
54,000 first-class runs
to his name.
469
00:22:23,920 --> 00:22:28,720
Facing a ball from a weakling with
pieces of string for arms.
470
00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:30,440
Do you know what you need, mate?
471
00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:32,320
Mustard.
472
00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:35,480
SMASH
473
00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:36,800
ALARMS
474
00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:38,840
It was him.
475
00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:42,080
My office, now.
476
00:22:42,080 --> 00:22:44,080
Me or him? You.
477
00:22:44,080 --> 00:22:48,760
Mr Grace, I'm concerned that your
attitude is setting a bad example.
478
00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:53,320
I'm concerned that YOUR attitude is
setting a bad example.
479
00:22:53,320 --> 00:22:56,600
Are you just repeating
what I just said?
480
00:22:56,600 --> 00:22:58,760
Oh, that's very immature, Mr Grace.
481
00:22:58,760 --> 00:23:00,480
I know you are, but what am I?
482
00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:02,040
FAKE LAUGHTER
483
00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:03,520
That's it. You're fired.
484
00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:06,880
You can't
fire the legendary WG Grace.
485
00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:08,680
What you can do is...
486
00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:10,720
..spice up any meal with mustard.
487
00:23:12,160 --> 00:23:13,840
Fine, I'll go.
488
00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:16,480
I don't even like mustard, so...
489
00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:18,680
Mustard.
490
00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:20,160
Listen up, men.
491
00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:22,840
I've come to communicate
some very important orders
492
00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:24,440
from the Lieutenant General.
493
00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:27,560
Sorry, what is that?
I'm just warming up, gaffer.
494
00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:29,640
I wouldn't want to pull
a hamstring early doors.
495
00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:32,880
Our squad's already
stretched as it is. Quite right.
496
00:23:32,880 --> 00:23:36,880
Anyway, gentlemen,
our hour has come.
497
00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:39,360
It's time to go over the top.
498
00:23:39,360 --> 00:23:40,600
Oh, I get it.
499
00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:43,520
You mean you want us to play
long ball. Long ball, exa...
500
00:23:43,520 --> 00:23:46,120
What do you mean, "long ball?"
If I may, sir.
501
00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:49,200
Name and position? Walter Tull.
Private and central midfield.
502
00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:50,960
Midfield? What's midfield?
503
00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:52,320
See, the thing is, Sir,
504
00:23:52,320 --> 00:23:54,120
this battalion is made up entirely
505
00:23:54,120 --> 00:23:56,720
of professional footballers like me.
506
00:23:56,720 --> 00:23:58,160
If you want to get through to them,
507
00:23:58,160 --> 00:24:00,200
you're going to have to
talk the lingo.
508
00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:01,560
Oh, right. I see.
509
00:24:01,560 --> 00:24:03,280
I'm more of a cricket man, myself.
510
00:24:05,120 --> 00:24:08,800
Well, here are your orders.
511
00:24:08,800 --> 00:24:12,600
Now, the German division
are entrenched in a zigzag
512
00:24:12,600 --> 00:24:15,360
of artillery positions along the...
513
00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:18,920
Sorry, are you not following?
514
00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:21,320
Do you mind if I give them
a go, sir? Um...
515
00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:23,800
Right, here it is, lads.
516
00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:26,600
What he means is...
517
00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:28,600
..the opposition
have parked the bus.
518
00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:31,760
Ah! So it's an all-out
attack from us. Yeah.
519
00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:35,640
Now, instead of the usual
Tottenham formation of 4-3-3,
520
00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:37,720
we are going with...
521
00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:41,200
..a 0-0-11.
522
00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:46,120
Ah. So that means, I want all of you
shooting, not just the strikers.
523
00:24:46,120 --> 00:24:48,320
Yes. Right. Gentleman.
524
00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:51,360
It will be hard at first, but once
we break through their line,
525
00:24:51,360 --> 00:24:52,640
it will be plain sailing.
526
00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:55,720
It's a game of two halves. Oh.
527
00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:57,520
See you in Berlin.
528
00:24:57,520 --> 00:24:59,720
Wembley. Ooh.
529
00:24:59,720 --> 00:25:02,680
Oh, and no red cards.
530
00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:05,720
Oh, come on.
531
00:25:05,720 --> 00:25:08,480
Don't get shot.
Oh, yeah, obviously. Well.
532
00:25:08,480 --> 00:25:10,920
Well done, Tull. Well done.
533
00:25:10,920 --> 00:25:12,280
Let's get out there.
534
00:25:12,280 --> 00:25:16,320
Oh, and one last thing. If you can
help it, stay on your feet.
535
00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:19,240
WHISTLE BLOWS
Oh! Oh, ref! Oh, no.
536
00:25:19,240 --> 00:25:20,800
THEY ALL SHOUT
537
00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:22,440
Did you see that, ref?
538
00:25:22,440 --> 00:25:25,480
I did not touch them.
I didn't touch them.
539
00:25:25,480 --> 00:25:28,360
Well, Alex, thanks
for travelling through
540
00:25:28,360 --> 00:25:30,080
sporting horrible history with me,
541
00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:31,840
but I'm afraid it's time for me
542
00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:35,400
to hang up my boots
and retire from sport.
543
00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:38,360
Retire? You do know
if you want to retire from sport,
544
00:25:38,360 --> 00:25:40,920
you actually have to do it
in the first place.
545
00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:44,920
Excuse me, madam, I happened to be
the greatest fartcher in the world.
546
00:25:44,920 --> 00:25:46,840
Watch.
547
00:25:46,840 --> 00:25:48,080
HE FARTS
548
00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:52,280
Oh, wow. It's because you're
the only fartcher in the world.
549
00:25:52,280 --> 00:25:55,080
But don't worry, I don't think
anyone was quite expecting you
550
00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:59,120
to be a sporting legend
just like Walter Tull, WG Grace,
551
00:25:59,120 --> 00:26:01,200
or Mary, Queen of Scots.
552
00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:03,000
Harsh, but fair.
553
00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:05,800
Although some sporting legends
are quite unexpected.
554
00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:09,280
IN STYLE OF: Get Lucky
by Daft Punk
555
00:26:14,480 --> 00:26:16,280
♪ You think you know so much of me
556
00:26:16,280 --> 00:26:18,240
♪ Beheadings, heirs, romance
557
00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:20,480
♪ Change wives almost as often as
558
00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:22,840
♪ I change my underpants
559
00:26:22,840 --> 00:26:24,600
♪ Apart from my great modesty
560
00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:26,680
♪ There's other things you ought
561
00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:28,920
♪ to know -
King Henry VIII, that's me
562
00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:31,240
♪ Was brilliant at sport
563
00:26:31,240 --> 00:26:34,360
♪ I was a star
564
00:26:34,360 --> 00:26:39,160
♪ At competitive arts
565
00:26:39,160 --> 00:26:42,640
♪ Though I look more
566
00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:47,640
♪ Like a man who plays darts
567
00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:49,840
♪ I learned how to just for fun
568
00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:51,800
♪ And used my height against some
569
00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:54,000
♪ I dressed as a knight and won
570
00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:56,160
♪ No wonder that I got sweaty
571
00:26:56,160 --> 00:26:58,200
♪ There really is nothing like
572
00:26:58,200 --> 00:27:00,200
♪ The great feeling when you strike
573
00:27:00,200 --> 00:27:02,400
♪ A bloke with a 12-foot spike
574
00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:04,960
♪ One-nil, back of the netty
575
00:27:04,960 --> 00:27:10,600
♪ I really love to get sweaty
576
00:27:12,360 --> 00:27:14,120
♪ I wasn't just a jouster
577
00:27:14,120 --> 00:27:16,400
♪ Threw a javelin, you know
578
00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:18,320
♪ Axe fighting, dressage, archery
579
00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:20,520
♪ All strings to my longbow
580
00:27:20,520 --> 00:27:22,600
♪ I made real tennis popular
581
00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:24,360
♪ I was a proper Federer
582
00:27:24,360 --> 00:27:26,680
♪ Of course no-one
would beat the king
583
00:27:26,680 --> 00:27:29,320
♪ At tennis I was betterer
584
00:27:29,320 --> 00:27:31,560
SYNTH VOICE:
585
00:27:31,560 --> 00:27:37,520
♪ I really love to get sweaty
586
00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:40,800
♪ My sporting luck's
587
00:27:40,800 --> 00:27:45,600
♪ Why there's so many parks
588
00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:48,720
♪ Green there and here
589
00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:53,760
♪ Cos I liked killing deer
590
00:27:53,760 --> 00:27:56,040
♪ But then I fell off my horse
591
00:27:56,040 --> 00:27:58,040
♪ It landed on me with force
592
00:27:58,040 --> 00:28:00,120
♪ And so no more sport, of course
593
00:28:00,120 --> 00:28:02,160
♪ That makes no more getting sweaty
594
00:28:02,160 --> 00:28:04,080
♪ And as the years went by
595
00:28:04,080 --> 00:28:06,640
♪ I fell in love with pie
596
00:28:06,640 --> 00:28:08,440
♪ And soon after I... ♪
597
00:28:08,440 --> 00:28:10,960
..could barely get off the settee.
598
00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:12,320
HE SIGHS
599
00:28:15,440 --> 00:28:18,440
BEEP
600
00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:19,600
Can't do it.
601
00:28:19,600 --> 00:28:20,680
BEEP
602
00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:22,040
Oh...
BEEP
603
00:28:23,120 --> 00:28:24,360
LAUGHTER
604
00:28:24,360 --> 00:28:26,760
♪ The past is no longer a mystery
605
00:28:26,760 --> 00:28:28,280
♪ Hope you enjoyed
606
00:28:28,280 --> 00:28:31,840
♪ Horrible Histories. ♪
46750
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