Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

♪ Romans rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

♪ Groovy Greek, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

♪ Gory stories, we do that

♪ And your host, a talking rat

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to...

♪ Horrible Histories. ♪

Horrible Histories presents Outrageous Olympics.

We Greeks loved our sport, so much so that we invented

the Olympic Games, the world's oldest sporting competition.

Although, strangely, in the early days,

the event wasn't a competition

and it didn't have anything to do with sport.

Guys, I think it's pretty clear that our religious festival

celebrating Zeus is getting a little bit stale.

In an attempt to inspire some much-needed enthusiasm,

the Zeus Festival committee has invited Sophie

and Sebastian to an ideas meeting to come up with some new events.

I hope you guys are hungry,

because we have cooked up a bowl of idea soup that you,

young man, are going to be picking out of that little beard for days.

OK, so, we've got running, boxing, wrestling.

Hang on, it's not a sporting event.

We're looking to liven up a religious festival.

It's held at one of Greece's most holy sites, Mount Olympus.

OK, so, it's possible we might have got our presentations mixed up.

Yeah, that so explains why our human sacrifice ideas didn't

go down very well in front of the international cricket board.

Do you know what? Why don't we, like, combine them both

so we've got like a sporting event that celebrates a religious festival

all in the sanctuary on Mount Olympus.

And we'll call it the Olym-poosics! Yes!

Can I get a Peloponnesian wave?

Yes, you can!

You know, we could get some slaves to build a stadium,

and until then...

We could hold the events in the olive groves around the mountain

and we could give the winners bits of the trees as prizes.

We were thinking of like medals, but whatever. Toss them. They are gone.

The only thing I'm wondering is why boxing and running honours the gods?

OK, it's the heroes that the sports event creates which will

honour Dr Zeus, big up! It's just Zeus, actually.

Horton Hears A what?

Yeah, I think you might be thinking of a different Zeus.

Ding-ding! Round one, boxing.

Let's take our biggest fighter and pitch them against our smallest.

So brutal. I love it already.

Loving you. I mean, it sounds awesome.

Can't wait to see it. Oh...

Awks. Yeah... You're not going.

Women are banned.

Right, well, we'd never agreed to that.

Quick vote? BOTH: Ye-ah!

3-0!

Premium exclusivity.

The Olym-poosics are born!

Might have to work on the name a little bit. Unbelievable.

Thankfully, the modern Olympics are for everyone, even me!

And I've brought in Olympic footballer

and ex-Arsenal captain Alex Scott to help me train.

Well, I'm just having a look. I think we've got a lot of work to do.

But tell me, what event are you competing in?

Fart-chery. Excuse me?

Fart-chery.

You know, you eat a lot of beans, then you take an arrow

and you stick it up your... Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold it right there.

I'm not sure they're going to allow that at the Olympics. Aw!

Come on, it wouldn't be the first time in history that

a top sport has been banned. A top sport, really?

Well, it's more popular than burp-minton.

HE BURPS Ooh! 1-0!

Ooh! In your monk face!

Ooh, best of nine? Yeah, OK.

Though it's getting a bit boring, you know,

me beating you all of the time.

I'm so glad that you invented this sport to pass the time.

WHISPERS: Don't call kegels a sport.

You know the abbot has banned sport.

He thinks it gets us addicted and leads to gambling and immorality.

What is gambling? BELL TOLLS

Aha! I caught you red-handed!

You are doing a sport?!

You are going to be in such trouble when I tell the bishop!

No, no, no, no! Don't tell the bishop, because this here is...

It's not a sport. Oh, great. Come on, let's hear it.

OK, well, we are just...

Training to fight the devil. CHOIR SINGS

Yeah, exactly. You see this? This is...

The word of God.

Yeah, und the kegels are...

Heathen nonbelievers. Yeah. So the ball...

The word of God.

..hits the kegels.

Heathen nonbelievers. Yeah, them. And...

Cleanses them of their sins forever. Yeah!

It knocks the devil right out of them.

High five! SINGING STOPS

Or not.

May I have a go? Sure! Go for it.

Ooh! Hah! Yes! In your face, devil! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

You're a natural sportsman, abbot.

Saver of souls-man, abbot.

Well, it's beginners' luck, maybe. Erm... set them up again,

I can see some more heathen souls that need saving.

BELL TOLLS

Sport?!

Abbot, I thought you said sport was immoral. You banned it!

No, it's actually, Bishop, it's not sport. I am defeating the devil.

Cleansing the souls of... Guys, guys, the...

I don't know what he's talking about. No, he should know better.

Yeah, we just found him in here breaking his own law.

Guys, this is...! No, no, come on.

Save your excuses for the Pope.

Boys, take him away.

HE STAMMERS

But I didn't even knock them all down!

Ooh! Still got it!

Good afternoon and welcome to rural Scotland for today's

coverage of the Puritan Games, 1654!

Well, I think I speak for everyone when I say this is probably

the best tennis court in the whole of England.

And not a line out of place.

I'm almost pleased Cromwell cancelled the tennis.

Yes, as sport is a frivolous and ungodly pursuit,

Lord Protector Oliver Cromwell has banned almost every single one.

There really is not much left to talk about.

All right, I know what we can do. Yeah.

I spy... Oh, I like that.

..with my little eye, something beginning with...

Uh...

E-T-C.

It's not empty tennis court, is it? THEY LAUGH

It was. Try this one on, then.

I spy with my little eye, something beginning with T-S-E-T-C-A.

The same empty tennis court again?!

Yes! It's got...! Right, you go again. That was good.

Oh.

Apparently they've banned I Spy too. Oh, come on!

It's true that not everyone in history was a fan of sport,

but we Tudors loved it.

From peasants playing village football to King Henry VIII

and his jousting, and his tennis and his archery and his...

OK, Henry really did love his sport. And he wasn't alone.

Almost every man in Britain practised archery.

They had to, it was the law.

Delighted to have you here, Your Majesty,

Your Highness, Lady Boleyn.

I have to admit, it did take me a bit by surprise.

Yeah, well, just a random little visit to see how my law

making all men under 40 practise archery

on a Saturday is getting along.

Well, they're certainly practising all right.

I mean, some of them aren't that... STRING TWANGS

..great. Yeah. But hopefully they will show some...

Ooh, duck!

AH!

Begging your pardon, Your Highness, this is the beginners' session.

Well, whatever.

Show Anne a good time and I'll catch up with you guys later. OK?

Oh, aren't you coming with us? Hm? Uh, no.

I've, um, got to...

No, I'm not. Later! Oh.

The affairs of state, no doubt. No doubt. This way.

Ooh! Oh!

AHH! Oh, gosh! That was close. Watch your backs!

THUMPS

Never mind.

Of course, some people might argue that archery should be

left for them that are, I don't know,

good at it as opposed to, as it says here in the law, "everybody".

Oh, everybody under 40. Yeah, but then, most people only live to 40.

Or less if they live around here.

We are losing a lot of people to training accidents. Oh, my goodness!

What happened here? Oh! This is our arrow collector.

How's it going, George? Great.

THUMP

Yeah, I'm just not sure this whole archery for everyone thing

is working. Yes, well, my husband is rather keen...

HENRY: I can benchpress 12 stone. Oh, look, there he is now.

Working hard at his new girlfriend Jane Seymour.

You've got the bicep, tricep, and eye-cep. Oh!

Do you know what?

I think my husband's right, I think archery should be for everyone.

My wife, she's seen us.

Uh, hello, darling! You'll never guess who I bumped into.

Now, now, now, put the bow down, darling. That's a real weapon, that.

OK, well, if you're going to fire, a little to the right. OK.

Move! Oh!

Nice shot, darling!

Are we still on for date night?

Mental strength is an important aspect of playing sport,

which is what Mary Queen of Scots must have had,

as she was seen playing golf very soon after her husband's death.

Very, very soon.

Some would say suspiciously soon.

IN FRENCH ACCENT: Oh, no, double bogey again, Lord Bothwell.

Je suis desole.

IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: Hey, give me that mashie.

I'm going to smash the next one over the horizon.

Sorry, are you the ex-Queen of France today,

or the current Queen of Scotland?

I'm your queen, Bothwell.

And don't you forget it.

Mon petit chou.

Your Majesty! Uh-oh. Your Majesty!

What's this tattie-bogle want? Your Majesty, Your Majesty!

May I have a word?

FRENCH ACCENT: Oh, salut, mon bishop! How lovely to see you.

Oh, my condolences on the death of your husband, Lord Darnley.

SHE WHINES, CRIES

It's so sad. Such a tragic accident.

SCOTTISH ACCENT: Bothwell, Hankey.

Yes, for Lord Darnley to be blown up accidentally in his own home

and then for the body to be found in the garden,

strangely strangled after the explosion,

it is, as you say, tragic.

Yes, I'm amazed the two barrels of gunpowder didn't kill him.

Still, everyone's luck runs out eventually.

Ow! Uh, uh...

Yeah, very bad luck, really, to get strangled by an explosion. Mm!

FRENCH ACCENT: I don't think I will ever recover from the grief.

SCOTTISH ACCENT: Hey, numpty, give me that niblick.

This ground is rougher than Bothwell's body.

Yes, I can see Your Majesty is very, very sad.

But one wonders how it might look to the outside world to be

out here enjoying playing golf just three days after his death.

Some people might say it looks a little bit cold-hearted.

FRENCH ACCENT: Ah! You think I don't care about my dead husband?

Ow! Ooww!

You, sir, you are the cold-hearted one. Just hang on a minute.

SCOTTISH ACCENT: Get in! Ha-ha!

Your Majesty, I really don't think

it's appropriate to be out here playing golf.

Now, see here. You shut your geggie, you rooster.

I am mad with grief, me, I'm on the edge.

And golf is the only thing that keeps me calm. I'm sorry.

I'm going to have to put my foot down...

And we all know what happens when I'm not calm, don't we?

HE WHIMPERS Now, awa' an bile yer heid. Yeah?

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

FRENCH ACCENT: Thank you for your condolences, Bishop.

Now, monsieur caddy, I believe that was, how you say,

hole in one.

Actually, no.

Oh!

Oh, no, look! Ha! Straight in. Hm.

Your fourth hole in one today. Mm.

Well done.

Right, Rattus, I think we should start with some press-ups.

Press-ups, yeah.

WHISPERS: Slavedriver. Right.

HE STRAINS

One. Keep it going.

HE STRAINS

HE SNORES

Rattus! Oy! I'm just nursing a sporting injury.

I ate too much runny cheese. Get it? Runny! Ha-ha!

Rattus, that is not a sporting injury.

Trust me, I know all about injuries, I was a footballer.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah.

I bet medieval footballers got a load of injuries.

Yeah, their opposition was a whole town of maniacs armed to the teeth.

To be fair, I played a couple of modern games

that actually felt like that.

Was it Spurs? That's not nice.

All right, then. This way.

Yeah, right there. There we go. Sweet.

Yes, yes! What is happening? We are the H2 freestylers.

And today, we are in the medieval village of Ashborn

in Derbyshire for the traditional Shrovetide football match.

That's right. And today,

it's Billiam's turn to set me a football challenge.

So, Bill, what do you want to see for me today?

My challenge for you, Jezermy, is the Keep The Ball... Sweet.

..Away From 500 Villagers, Run A Mile And One Half, Jump In The River

And Hit The Ball Off A Millstone Three Times Challenge!

I thought we were doing football challenges, mate. Yeah, we are.

Medieval football.

Sounds doable. Did I mention the villagers are armed?

No, you didn't, mate. Well, they will be.

They'll have daggers and sticks and whatnot

and they are trying to score off a millstone in the other direction.

O...K. Uh, any other rules? Just one.

No murder or manslaughter, but everything else is fair game.

Right, that's... No, hang on. Sorry... Good luck, mate!

Good luck, what do you mean?!

SHOUTING

Come on, mate, get up. I'm good, actually.

Ooh, is that your spleen? HE GROANS

In Roman times, we had no footballers.

Our sporting superstars were the chariot riders,

and they could become incredibly rich and famous.

That's if they could live for long enough.

Final chariot check. Recalibrate left axle 25%.

Check.

Brakes.

Gone.

And a complete safety test?

Safety? Just kidding! THEY LAUGH

All we need now is our driver. Apparently, this is his first race.

HORNS PLAY

Greetings. Lewis Hamiltonus from Britannia.

You must be my pit crew.

What do I call you?

Oh, we don't bother with names.

The drivers tend not to be around that long.

Mm, I guess we hit the big time pretty quick, huh?

Big time? What do you mean big time?

I mean like Scorpus.

The greatest charioteer ever.

Ah, Scorpus.

Yeah, he is he is up there in heaven looking down on us.

No, we are looking at the hole he made

when he crashed through the wall, you idiot.

Yeah, we were scraping bits of him off of there for days.

Never could find the other ear. No.

Come on, then. Up you pop.

The race starts in five minutes.

Yeah, better get cracking

if we're going to finish building this chariot in time.

Finish? What do you mean finish? It is finished.

Oh. Won't I fall out? Don't worry, you'll be securely fastened...

Oh, good. ..to the horses with these ropes.

And then you just lean

from side to side to stay in.

Won't that be dangerous? No, no, the horses will be completely fine.

When you crash, use this to cut yourself free, OK, please?

What, at 30 miles per hour? Will that work?

No. But it's going to be brilliant for the crowds.

OK, I'm not sure I want to do this...

HORNS PLAY

OK, it's time to catch the horses.

Now, don't worry.

Just remember, when you crash,

you need to adopt this position.

"Oh, my goodness, I'm going to crash." Wait, but...

Good luck, mate.

HORNS PLAY Whoa!

Hey, wait, wait! You forgot your helmet.

HORSE NEIGHS

CROWD GROANS

It's a shame. I liked him.

Greetings. I am the mighty king Esarhaddon of Assyria.

Now, my people enjoyed all types of sport.

Hunting, wrestling, archery, that sort of thing.

But what was different about how we played polo?

Was it...

And the answer is...

..B. Assyrian polo involved hitting the ball

while riding on men's shoulders.

Isn't that right?

Indeed, Your Majesty.

Though it is a shame you don't play polo.

No, I know.

I just want a ride to the shops.

Come on. Let's go.

Someone call a doctor.

GROANING

Rattus, this is great. I'm actually so proud.

You're taking it serious.

STRAINING: Yeah, I certainly am, Alex.

I've even developed my own cheese exercise equipment.

I think that counts as one.

GROANING

Wait, hold on a minute, I see what's going on here.

Exercise is meant to make you fit and healthy.

That is not going to happen if you eat the equipment.

This is such a weird gym you have.

You think this is weird?

Ha, not even close.

The Romans were all naked in their gyms.

And there was a Victorian exercise fan who had a steam-powered gym,

and that wasn't even the weirdest thing about it.

Really? No. Take a look at this.

Hey, you there, on the sofa.

That's right. You, with the lazy bones.

Isn't it time that you started getting fit and healthy?

I'm Gustav Zander and I'm here to help you get lean in 18...

..70.

As in the year, 18... It's a little joke.

Here, the first ever gym,

you'll find state-of-the-art steam-powered exercise machines.

Like...

And you'll also find a whole bunch of fit people

having a heck of a lot of fun.

Wow.

In just 15 minutes a day,

I can transform your body from this...

..to this.

Which, if you can see underneath the heavy frock coat,

three-piece suit, undershirt, the knee-length drawers,

is seriously buff.

Wow.

That's actually huge.

Yes, we've got everything you could want from a gym.

Um, apart from changing rooms.

Obviously.

So I'll be seeing you down Zander's.

Ever since I restarted the Olympics,

I've always dreamed of staging it in my own country of France.

After a successful relaunch of the Olympic Games in 1896,

sports enthusiast Baron de Coubertin is holding his Olympics in Paris,

and is deciding on a few new events.

Bonjour, les guys.

What say nous all work together

to make le event magnifique?

Vive le French.

OK, let's start in the pool.

So, how about a swimming...

..assault course?

That's not sport, that's just silly.

Uh, yeah, if silly is French for awesome.

Word. It's not.

Look, we only want a small number of events

and a small number of only the most serious athletes.

Do you know the long jump?

Yes. That is more the sort of event we were hoping for.

Yeah. What about horse long jump?

What? No. No? No?

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no No, no, no, no, no, no

♪ There's no limit. ♪

..to how awesome these games are going to be, cos we've got...

..pigeon racing. Ka-kaw!

Cannon shooting. Banging!

Discus in the words so the big metal frisbee bounces off the trees.

BELL RINGS

Please form an orderly line with your fire marshals

because these ideas are on fire.

And so are these Olympics,

because we're going to have firefighting as an event.

Yeah, we're going to set a building on fire

and send crews in to rescue models of people.

Ah! Not real people.

Well, I can speak for everyone

when I tell you where you can stick your silly ideas.

Yes. In the box marked fantastique.

We'll do all of them.

It will be amazing if the Olympics survives this year.

VOICEOVER: It's the middle of term

and following an unfortunate trip to the zoo,

head teacher Lesley Winkworth is in need of two new teachers.

Welcome to Historical Educating.

-Class 7 -B lost both their biology teacher and PE teacher.

Luckily, Victorian cricketer WG Grace's CV came through

just at the right time.

It's a really impressive CV.

One of the greatest cricketers of all time,

as well as a qualified doctor.

IN A HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: I am the legendary WG Grace.

LAUGHTER

One of the first sporting celebrities,

qualified Victorian doctor,

and now your teacher.

Is that a jar of mustard? It is, yeah.

I get paid to promote it

because I'm the most famous sportsman of my generation.

Check this out.

You think I'm hot? Try the mustard.

How are you a famous sportsman? You don't look very fit.

Right, we'll see who's fit.

You, young man, are bowling.

Grab that bin. We need a wicket.

Here is WG Grace.

54,000 first-class runs to his name.

Facing a ball from a weakling with pieces of string for arms.

Do you know what you need, mate?

Mustard.

SMASH

ALARMS

It was him.

My office, now.

Me or him? You.

Mr Grace, I'm concerned that your attitude is setting a bad example.

I'm concerned that YOUR attitude is setting a bad example.

Are you just repeating what I just said?

Oh, that's very immature, Mr Grace.

I know you are, but what am I?

FAKE LAUGHTER

That's it. You're fired.

You can't fire the legendary WG Grace.

What you can do is...

..spice up any meal with mustard.

Fine, I'll go.

I don't even like mustard, so...

Mustard.

Listen up, men.

I've come to communicate some very important orders

from the Lieutenant General.

Sorry, what is that? I'm just warming up, gaffer.

I wouldn't want to pull a hamstring early doors.

Our squad's already stretched as it is. Quite right.

Anyway, gentlemen, our hour has come.

It's time to go over the top.

Oh, I get it.

You mean you want us to play long ball. Long ball, exa...

What do you mean, "long ball?" If I may, sir.

Name and position? Walter Tull. Private and central midfield.

Midfield? What's midfield?

See, the thing is, Sir,

this battalion is made up entirely

of professional footballers like me.

If you want to get through to them,

you're going to have to talk the lingo.

Oh, right. I see.

I'm more of a cricket man, myself.

Well, here are your orders.

Now, the German division are entrenched in a zigzag

of artillery positions along the...

Sorry, are you not following?

Do you mind if I give them a go, sir? Um...

Right, here it is, lads.

What he means is...

..the opposition have parked the bus.

Ah! So it's an all-out attack from us. Yeah.

Now, instead of the usual Tottenham formation of 4-3-3,

we are going with...

..a 0-0-11.

Ah. So that means, I want all of you shooting, not just the strikers.

Yes. Right. Gentleman.

It will be hard at first, but once we break through their line,

it will be plain sailing.

It's a game of two halves. Oh.

See you in Berlin.

Wembley. Ooh.

Oh, and no red cards.

Oh, come on.

Don't get shot. Oh, yeah, obviously. Well.

Well done, Tull. Well done.

Let's get out there.

Oh, and one last thing. If you can help it, stay on your feet.

WHISTLE BLOWS Oh! Oh, ref! Oh, no.

THEY ALL SHOUT

Did you see that, ref?

I did not touch them. I didn't touch them.

Well, Alex, thanks for travelling through

sporting horrible history with me,

but I'm afraid it's time for me

to hang up my boots and retire from sport.

Retire? You do know if you want to retire from sport,

you actually have to do it in the first place.

Excuse me, madam, I happened to be the greatest fartcher in the world.

Watch.

HE FARTS

Oh, wow. It's because you're the only fartcher in the world.

But don't worry, I don't think anyone was quite expecting you

to be a sporting legend just like Walter Tull, WG Grace,

or Mary, Queen of Scots.

Harsh, but fair.

Although some sporting legends are quite unexpected.

IN STYLE OF: Get Lucky by Daft Punk

♪ You think you know so much of me

♪ Beheadings, heirs, romance

♪ Change wives almost as often as

♪ I change my underpants

♪ Apart from my great modesty

♪ There's other things you ought

♪ to know - King Henry VIII, that's me

♪ Was brilliant at sport

♪ I was a star

♪ At competitive arts

♪ Though I look more

♪ Like a man who plays darts

♪ I learned how to just for fun

♪ And used my height against some

♪ I dressed as a knight and won

♪ No wonder that I got sweaty

♪ There really is nothing like

♪ The great feeling when you strike

♪ A bloke with a 12-foot spike

♪ One-nil, back of the netty

♪ I really love to get sweaty

♪ I wasn't just a jouster

♪ Threw a javelin, you know

♪ Axe fighting, dressage, archery

♪ All strings to my longbow

♪ I made real tennis popular

♪ I was a proper Federer

♪ Of course no-one would beat the king

♪ At tennis I was betterer

SYNTH VOICE:

♪ I really love to get sweaty

♪ My sporting luck's

♪ Why there's so many parks

♪ Green there and here

♪ Cos I liked killing deer

♪ But then I fell off my horse

♪ It landed on me with force

♪ And so no more sport, of course

♪ That makes no more getting sweaty

♪ And as the years went by

♪ I fell in love with pie

♪ And soon after I... ♪

..could barely get off the settee.

HE SIGHS

BEEP

Can't do it.

BEEP

Oh... BEEP

LAUGHTER

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Hope you enjoyed

♪ Horrible Histories. ♪