Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

♪ Romans rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

♪ Gory stories, we do that

♪ And your host, a talking rat

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to...

♪ Horrible Histories. ♪

Horrible Histories presents...

Behold, three of the greatest queens in history -

Boudicca, Victoria and Cleopatra.

Um, technically, I'm a pharaoh.

And I'm an Empress as well as a Queen.

But one thing we have in common

is that we all dominated our kingdoms

and won the throne by marrying our brothers.

Then going to war with them and having them killed.

Actually, I think most of that might just have been you.

We were powerful queens, but we are just three of the many

wonder women whose stories burst from the pages of the history books.

From Greek legend comes a princess, the very first Wonder Woman -

the Wonder Scythian.

ALARM BELL RINGS

Somebody stop him!

Don't worry, sir, help is on the way.

Or should I say, her way?

Oh no, don't tell me you've called the True Amazon?

No, I called the True A...

Yes, I did. Why? Is that a problem?

Well, only if she's been drinking.

It would seem she has.

I have come from the steppes of southern Russia to your aid.

Take that, villain. Huh!

Oh, ha-ha, I already did that.

Meant to be the other way around.

BURP! Ooh.

The Wonder Scythian, a true female fighter for justice.

We are the Scythians, warrior wonder women

who spawned 1,000 Greek tales of female heroism.

Now go forth into the modern world, my child,

and be a beacon of hope.

Just don't drink too much of that fermented horse milk,

because you know how you get.

BURP!

The inspiration...

PARP!

..for those comic book wonder women, as they truly were.

Justice has been done.

Yeah, so, just to clarify, that's actually Gary, my manager.

That's the robber, but you can still catch him with your super speed.

Hurry!

Argh!

Or you could just shoot him in the back.

We Scythian women are masters of the bow.

Cheers!

Still Gary. Victory is ours.

I mean, you're not really like the films, are you?

Where's your lasso of truth? My what?

Oh, that fermented horse milk really repeats on you.

Then let us drink the blood of our enemies,

and use their scalps for napkins.

It is a Scythian thing.

Do you know what? I think my enemy's actually on holiday this week, so...

Ah, no, he's over there, I tell a lie.

Grrr.

Wonder Scythian...

PARP!

It's true, now then...

Rattus.

Go on you, now, sling your hook.

If this is going to be a show

celebrating some of the most powerful women in history,

it had better have a powerful woman presenting it.

This is my show now.

Fair enough, I've got some bins to roll around in anyway.

At least that might make him smell a bit better.

Now then... Don't forget to do the link to the, um...

I'm doing it! Clear off.

All right, fair dos, fair dos. HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

Now then, being a woman in charge isn't always easy.

Men will often try to interfere and tell you what to do.

But our next heroine certainly didn't let that stop her. Oh, no.

Wow, what an honour.

Tim Manchester, director.

Can I just say, how psyched I am to have a real-life action hero,

Joan of Arc, on board.

I'm just a huge fan of your work and I want to do your story justice.

Merci.

So, this is the scene where you see the English

and you're just going to slay them with a killer line.

Now, I want it to be authentic, I want it to come from you,

but if it could be something that's, like, really blockbustery,

that'd be great. Loving it, Joanie. Good luck.

Action!

Here come the English, ma'am.

I will do them very great harm.

And drive them out of all France, body for body.

Cut!

Hoo-hoo-hoo.

Are you a witch? Cos that was magic.

Um, I'm just thinking, would you be more likely to say something like,

"I'm going to kick these Brits right up the English Channel."

No?

OK, well, you're the Joan of Arc.

Moving on, next scene.

OK, cue Joanie, and action.

Oof! Ooh, right in the eye!

"Dear, ze English.

"I should send you my letter more decently,

"but you detain my hands."

Cut! Lovely stuff, Joanie.

And what if it said, "Here's one in the eye for you"?

Then we cut to you and you give a cheeky wink to camera?

Ooh.

Note says she doesn't like that. OK.

Agh! You have a message.

"Don't call me Joanie."

Got it.

You're the hero. Loving your work, Joanie...

..Joan! Joan of Arc.

OK, next scene.

Places, people. And action.

It is over.

I have been caught by the Burgundians.

Just going to leave that there, but...

No, no, I'm not saying, "Ooh, sounds painful,"

after being "caught by the Burgundians".

OK, you're right, you're a star.

You're a real star.

Get me Boudicca's agent.

You would think that, for history's great beauties,

dating would be easy.

But what prince or princess was ever allowed to marry for love?

Queen Cleopatra has travelled from ancient Egypt for her first date.

And she is right to be nervous.

Me first marriage was a total cart crash.

I mean, I know all couples have arguments,

but me husband, Ptolemy XIII, actually started a war against me.

Did I mentioned that me husband is also me brother?

So I went to see this Roman general called Julius Caesar.

We joined forces and defeated me husband.

He drowned trying to escape.

I guess I won that family row.

Some look for love, some look for companionship.

Others just want someone who isn't already a family member.

C'est tout.

Thanks, Fred.

Hi, I'm Cleopatra.

Hey, sis.

Oh, brilliant.

Yeah, that's my other brother, called Ptolemy...

I've got two brothers called Ptolemy.

Like, well, not now cos one's dead.

Ptolemy XIII is dead and I am the new pharaoh,

Ptolemy the...

I know this.

Five... 14th!

Let me do it!

Hurry up then. 14th. Brilliant.

Right, so let's get married, then.

Oh, cos that worked out great last time, didn't it?

Amazing, let's crack on.

Just one thing.

This is Julius Caesar.

He's my lover and he's already -killed one brother/pharaoh/ -Ptolemy.

So, um...

Oh, Caesar salad.

My favourite.

It's been a complicated first date for Cleopatra and Ptolemy XIV.

But now that they're married, is it just #awks?

Gooseberry. Bit weird.

Trust me, as someone who's married their brother, twice,

this doesn't even come close to weird.

Our son will rule Rome and Egypt.

Oh, brilliant.

Guess I'll have to marry him as well, won't I?

Being a queen is a difficult job,

but some queens made their lives more difficult than others.

Like Marie Antoinette of France,

who was notorious for her scandalous affairs,

trendsetting hairdos and her frivolous overspending

during a time of poverty.

She became so unpopular, that her behaviour

was seen as one of the causes of the French Revolution.

Marie Antoinette here.

You have to see this.

Ever since I became Queen, whatever I do, they have to copy.

Watch...

Fools, fools.

F-f-fools!

You voted bigger!

Oh, I can't get through.

We're still in Versailles!

But it's so big, I can have my own farm.

I come here to, you know, live the simple life.

Let my hairs down, put my hair in a box.

Pat-pat, pat-pat, pat-pat.

We all dress like peasants here.

We've got we get hens and cows and goats and sheeps.

I collect the sheep's eggs, total yum.

No, no, no.

This gang of people turn up to see my husband, King Louis,

and they were all, like, "Oh, the King needs to give us some food."

And Louis was, like, "Of course, guys. Chill."

So they came in - and this is the best bit -

they were wearing something on their legs I've never seen before.

Trousers! That's what they're called.

So the people in the trousers have insisted

that Louis and I go with them to Paris,

so that Louis can learn to be a better king, or something.

So it won't take very long, so I packed light.

Only ten trunks of clothes.

Oh, look, Louis, Louis it's sheeps...

..and they're white.

It's so boring, look... I'm looking. We must go.

You're rushing so much.

MUSIC

Wait...

..what was that last choice?

Cleopatra is back for her second First Date.

Both me husbands/brothers are dead.

And now me lover, who I actually liked, has been murdered.

The best thing I can say about this next date

is that it's unlikely to be another brother.

Cos they're all dead.

Thanks, Fred.

So let's get this over with.

What are you, me grandad, me cousin...?

SHE GASPS

Hey.

He was one of Caesar's generals

and he is horned viper, reed, loaf of bread.

Fit.

That's how we spell it.

I'm thinking of relocating to Egypt for work.

I'm sort of a big general and stuff now.

Just makes more sense in terms of the commute.

So sorry, what would you like to drink, madam?

Oh, just some wine please, Fred...

..with this pearl dissolved in it.

Obviously, this is going against health and safety,

so I just normally keep the pearls.

For Cleopatra and Mark Antony, the signals seem good.

But will they see each other again?

He's perfect. Thank you very much.

No, it's a dream come true. And we're going to get married,

as soon as my divorce comes through. Er, what?

Yes, I'm already married to Octavian's sister.

Your enemy, who's looking for an excuse to declare war on you again?

Why? You say that like you think it's going to be a problem.

You know what, compared to me last two marriages,

a massive civil war would be a breeze, so I'm in.

Great, I'll book the marquee. Yeah.

Cleopatra managed to hold on to her throne for years

by cracking on with Julius Caesar and Mark Antony,

two of the most powerful Roman generals.

Choosing the right partner could be a vital decision for many queens,

like this next bunch of feisty females.

Get it right and it could secure your power for decades.

Get it wrong and...

Hey, Ratty, do you want some of this mouldy sandwich?

I've scraped most of the poo off. Get lost.

Get it wrong and you end up with an idiot and a poo sandwich.

What's that?

Today on Historical Love Island, it's pencil salesman Sam's turn

to choose the historical girl of his dreams.

Will it be Somali Queen Arawelo, from 15 AD?

Medieval Queen of England, Elizabeth of York?

Or Gorgo, fifth century Queen of Sparta?

So the girl I want to couple up with is...

..Gorgo from Ancient Sparta.

What are you doing?

I was going to give you a little kiss.

Oh, no. First, I must cut off my hair.

Don't do that, it's the main reason I picked you.

You won't see it because I will be in a darkened room,

waiting for you to ritually capture me.

Hello, sounds like fun.

While you go and live in a military barracks until you are 30,

training for war. Sounds like less fun.

And I will stay at home and practice javelin in the nude.

Well, in that case, I'm happy to step in. You all right, darlin'?

You think that's funny do you, guy? Stop this foolishness!

Those are so much easier to throw without any clothes on.

I will need to marry him as well

to create the strongest male children,

to fuel the Spartan war machine.

You've got to choose, babe. It's the rules of the show.

And Spartan women get the house.

I think the house belongs to the show.

You can have the house.

Would it be OK if I just hide here until she's gone, please?

Sam! Where are you?! ARGH!

So the date of Sam's dreams is a living nightmare.

And as the sun sets, it's less a love story, more a blub story.

It's morning and Sam's been forced back out into the open.

Will he want to spend another terrifying day with Gorgo,

or is he brave enough to try a recoupling?

So I've had a really interesting evening with Gorgo.

SHE GROWLS

But I think that I would like to couple up with someone else, please.

Pretty please. Why do the men get to choose?

I, Queen Arawelo, will choose.

And I choose Sam.

Right choice, babe, I'm going to make you so happy.

Stop talking! In my queendom,

I rule that the women must be in power. OK.

You will make the dinner and raise the children!

Children? I thought we were just coupling up.

You will do it, or else...

Oh!

I agree with everything that she says.

The women are really not what I was expecting on this show.

And so Sam and Arawelo head off on an interesting date.

Let's hope that the food is good

because she looks like a bit of a man-eater.

While those historical women actually had real power,

in Britain, we had to struggle just to get equal rights.

It wasn't until 1928 that women were finally given

the same voting rights as men,

and that was thanks to the pioneering work

of the suffragists and the suffragettes,

two groups of campaigning women who used very different methods

to get what they wanted.

That's a nice hat, Millicent. Thank you very much.

Is that your grandmother's? Oh!

OK, OK. Ladies, I am your host

for the very first ever political votes for women activists reform!

First up, the suffragettes led by Millicent Fawcett! Er, excuse me,

we're the suffragists, not the suffragettes.

We campaign for votes for women using peaceful means.

Boring. Right, and the suffragettes?

We believe in deeds, not words. Ooh!

OK, it is on!

The first category is...

HE GASPS

"Your political views in a nutshell."

Let's hear it, ladies!

TO THE TUNE OF BLANK SPACE: ♪ Du-va, du-va, bsh

♪ Suffragists ain't reckless... # OK.

♪ We'll take this nice and slow Doo-ba-ba, ba-doo

♪ Democratic methods Doo-ba-ba, ba-doo

♪ Gonna get us the vote Doo-ba-ba, ba-doo

♪ Got a long list of signatures Doo-ba-ba, doo-ba-ba

♪ That is how we campaign

♪ Here's a blank space, Pankhurst Doo-ba-ba, doo

♪ And you can write your name... # Oh, yeah!

♪ I should say thank you for the breakthrough

♪ With a brand-new approach

♪ Get the vote today Du-du-du-du, du-du

♪ W-S-P-U all the way Du-du-du-du, du-du

♪ Violent action will pay Du, ahhh

♪ Will pay, yeah Ahhh

♪ We're the suffragettes Dun-dun-dun-dun

♪ We stick it to the man Dun-dun-dun-dun

♪ Peaceful campaigning Dun-dun-dun-dun

♪ Is a time-wasting scam Dun-dun-dun-dun

♪ Whatever it takes Dun-dun-dun-dun

♪ To publicise the cause Dun-dun-dun-dun

♪ When I'm all chained up Dun-dun-dun-dun

♪ I swear they're gonna

♪ They're gonna change the law Dun-dun-dun, dun-dun, dun

♪ Oh, I exploded your postbox Doo-doo-doo

♪ Cos votes is... ♪

TO THE TUNE OF ICE, ICE BABY: # Votes would be nice, nice, baby

♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo

♪ Votes would be nice, nice baby Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo

♪ Stop and sign that petition BEATBOXING

♪ I'm back with a brand-new edition

♪ This will grab a hold of you tightly

♪ Forceful arguments phrased politely... ♪

Politely?! SHE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

Oh! Oh, no, you didn't! Whoa, whoa, whoa, OK.

I'm not sure that blowing a raspberry is playing by the rules.

Well, suffragettes don't play by the rules!

Oh, OK, OK, OK, ladies. I've got to declare a winner now.

Hang on, why do you get to decide who wins?

Yes, why should a man decide which women's movement is the best?

Cos women don't get a vote, you should know that.

Ah! Direct action, I like it.

Finally, we agree on something. Ha!

Women might have finally got the vote,

but it took a lot longer for things to become fairer at work.

For example, equal pay... Hang about, hang about...

You're being paid?!

CLANG! Agh!

In fact, it wasn't long ago that there were some jobs

that were seen as only suitable for women.

Take the Hello Girls,

the women who were specially trained to plug in cables

for America's old telephone system.

To do that, they needed to move really fast.

And so the phone company came up with rather a novel solution.

Next, please. Hey, you must be Mr Parfitt.

Hi, there! Or should I say, hello! Cos I'm here to be a Hello Girl.

Hello. Did I say it right? Well...

My mom's always telling me, "Stacy, if you like talking so much,

"why don't you just go and be a telephone operator?"

Well, here I am. Clue me in, Mr Parfitt, did I get the gig?

You... Did I get the job? ..haven't... Am I a Hello Girl?

Mr Parfitt? If you would just let me get a word in edgeways,

then maybe we could start the interview.

Hit it. Good.

Now, your job would be to connect the people making the phone call

with the person they are trying to reach.

So to do that, all you would do is simply pick up the relevant cable

and put it in the appropriate slot on the switchboard, thus.

Hokey cokey, let me at it. I'mma razzle your berries,

I'mma blow your mind, Mr Parfitt

Putting you through now, caller.

But of course, you would be dealing with a huge switchboard

with many hundreds of phone calls at any one time,

and there'll be literally miles of phone cables. OK. OK?

I'll just... Not the chair. Leave the chair.

No...

That's mine.

Well, of course, that is why we hire only young women here

because of their excellent eyesight, their natural grace

and dexterity. Not the hat.

"I'm Mr Parfitt!" You're not Mr Parfitt.

Now there are miles of switchboards in the telephone exchange.

So to help you get around a little more quickly,

you should wear...

..these. Skates?! Like, crazy wow,

I always wanted to try those!

I'm as giddy as a goat, Mr Parfitt. Don't need to try those now.

Thank you. CRASH, CAT YOWLS

I'm OK, I'm fine! I'm just kidding around.

Kidding around like a little baby goat!

A woman's ability to remain calm despite all this

is one of the main reasons that we hire you.

The other reason, of course, is that we can pay you less.

Er, this would be your salary. What?!

Also, you'll be expected to wear a headset at all times

to help you communicate with the callers.

It weighs roughly the same as two bags of sugar.

Any...any problems? Mm-mm. It's as easy as pie!

Did I get the job?

Well, we'll call you.

Ooh! Oh, the baby's coming! KNOCK ON DOOR

Midwife!

Oh, they sent two of you? Oh, yeah. Don't worry, sweetie.

She's just here because the law says there has to be someone present

to make sure I don't try and eat the baby.

Eat the baby? Not if I can stop her!

FALSETTO: Not if I can stop her!

Who knows, it's best to have a witness to be on the safe si...

What is that? Oh, this is my husband, Derek.

No, no, no, no. Absolutely not. No men allowed in the birthing room.

It's against the law. You heard the woman!

Come on. Sling your hook, mate.

FALSETTO: I mean, get out, so we can get on with our lady business!

Men, eh? Always trying to sneak in and watch us work,

aren't they, Brenda? FALSETTO: Yes, we are.

I mean, they are. They want to steal the secrets of midwifery

so they don't need us wise women any more.

That's the plan that the men have.

When we catch them spying on us, we burn them, don't we, Brenda?

A lovely man burn, that's my idea of a Sunday night.

Ooh, just help me! Oh, OK. Birthing time.

THEY BREATHE DEEPLY

When the Holy St Margaret kept the sheep of her nurse

with the other maidens... W-w-what are you doing?

I'm reading The Legend of St Margaret.

It's what we Tudor midwives do!

"Read Legend of St Margaret."

Ooh, is that all you're going to do?

Oh, no, no, of course not.

I'm also going to, er...

..feed you this snake skin. Oh!

Open wide! "Feed snake skin."

Ah! That's not going to do me any good! Oh, I'm sorry.

Are you a qualified medical professional? No.

Well, neither am I, so we're just going to have to muddle through,

aren't we? Come on. Out the way. Ooh.

Right. Drink this milk. Oh, milk?

Yeah, it's lovely, nutritious

rabbit milk. SHE SPUTTERS

FALSETTO: Out of interest, how do you milk a...?

BABY CRIES

That worked. Definitely nicking that one.

Aw, it's a boy!

What gave me away? Was it the beard?

Oh, no, I meant the baby... SHE GASPS

It's a man! Burn him! You tried to eat the baby, I saw you.

You're a witch! Burn the man. Burn the witch. Burn him!

Ah, is that mine? Derek!

I told you - no men allowed in the birthing room!

The Tudor period actually saw a succession of royal sisters

and cousins fighting for power in Britain.

Mary Tudor, Mary, Queen of Scots, and Elizabeth I

all had dibs on the English throne.

But the identity of the first Tudor queen

turned out to be something of a surprise.

It's 1553,

and you join me at the sickbed of King Edward VI.

Crowned at nine years old, ruled for six years,

and now sadly dying at the age of 15.

I'm joined by his two half sisters, Mary and Elizabeth.

Guys, you must be absolutely...

Thrilled to bits.

I was going to say devastated.

Devastated. Er, that's what I said.

I'm in pieces. Poor Edward.

Yeah, he was... he was like a brother to us.

Half brother. Half brother to me, half brother to Liz.

So between us... He was a brother. Brother.

So how do you feel about the prospect of becoming queen?

I... It couldn't be further from... It's OK. It's OK, sorry,

I'll...hold it to your mouth, you don't need to touch it. Yeah.

It couldn't be further from my mind.

I'm just too sad to be thinking about how I, Mary,

will be the first woman to rule England.

First Lady, Head Girl, Chiquita numero uno. Um...

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Um, Mary, but I think that question was actually for me,

Elizabeth, soon to be Queen Elizabeth I, la prima donna.

Yeah. OK. Well, hold your horses, Liz,

because I'm like 15 years older than you. Yeah, you actually...

You can't be queen. You're Catholic. Remember?

Dad with your mum, Catherine or Aragon, married my mum, Anne Boleyn.

Yeah, and then he chopped your mum's head off, so...

So it's clearly a complicated situation.

No, it's not, pal. It's not complicated.

It's not, because you... I'm the older sister, so I...

I think the king is trying to tell us something.

Oh! Oh!

He says his successor... Yes?

..the first woman ruler of England...

I'm here, Teddy.

..shall be... Say it, brother. ..as follows.

Lady Jane Grey. Yes, thank you!

Wait. Lady John what?! Lady Jane Grey.

Oh, right, yeah. Actually, that was...

That was always his nickname for me.

No, it wasn't. No, no, wait, wait. So...

Isn't that the name of your daughter-in-law?

Congratulations, Your Majesty.

Your Maje-what now?

No! I think there's been a mistake! Yeah, too right there is.

I give it a week, tops. This is very exciting.

For the first time ever,

a female ruler of Britain with the power to do whatever she wants.

I want not to be queen!

Apart from that! I should be queen!

And there you have it.

An exciting, but clearly sombre affair.

OVERLAPPING SPEECH, GRUNTS

This is Peter Curtsey reporting for HHTV News

from the deathbed of King Edward VI,

where Lady Jane Grey has just been crowned queen.

We wish her a long and happy reign.

Hold her down, hold her down!

Put me down for nine days in the sweepstake.

Mary, Queen of Scots here.

Rightful queen of bonnie Scotland.

Ex-wife of the dead king of France,

and if things had gone better,

nearly queen of England as well.

But here is my question.

How old was I when I was engaged to marry Prince Edward of England?

Was I...?

And the answer is

C, I was six months old, just a bitty baby.

I was engaged twice before I was six years old.

I had more weddings planned as a kid

than Queen Elizabeth had in her whole life.

Talk about a relationship drama! Am I right?

There have been many girl power rulers who have helped

shape the course of history with their strength, their leadership,

intelligence, passion, enlightenment, and longevity.

But if I had to choose just one female from all these great women,

it would have to be all the Tudor Queens! Yes, all of them!

HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS

♪ Listen up, you all better bow down

♪ Cos I'm the queen and I'm wearing the crown

♪ Totally messing with the patriarchy

♪ My rule will go down in history

♪ I don't care about primogeniture Look it up

♪ I'm in charge and I'm turning it around for sure

♪ You got the power

♪ I got, I got

♪ I got the power This is my time

♪ And this is my hour

♪ I'm a Tudor woman and I'm on top

♪ Get in my way, baby You're for the chop

♪ Rewind

♪ Think you'll find I was the first Tudor queen

♪ And I wanted to be a Protestant scene

♪ You know me as Lady Jane Grey

♪ And I only ruled for a paltry nine days

♪ I succeeded you People knew I was legit

♪ I wanted the throne and - hail, Mary - I got it

♪ For the next five years There was a Catholic at the wheel

♪ But it's hard of the country on an even keel

♪ When people rebelled

♪ Well, I took a stand

♪ Started burning Protestants all across the land

♪ You got the power

♪ I got, I got, I got the power

♪ This is our time and this is our hour

♪ I'm a Tudor woman, make no mistake

♪ Get in my way and you'll burn at the stake

♪ I'm Catholic Mary, was involved in many plots

♪ To be Mary, Queen of England As well as Queen of Scots

♪ For 45 years I hung on to my crown

♪ By finding ways of you not being around

♪ Locked you up That was the first solution

♪ But Catholic plots meant I went for execution

♪ Hold up

♪ I was just a kid but I got power too

♪ Cos I'm Henry VIII's son And that was my due

♪ But ruling when you're young It ain't a lot of fun.

♪ Not as easy as it looks, yeah Being number one

♪ So I'm telling you My stepsisters

♪ They deserve respect

♪ Mary brought the Navy back and reduced the debt

♪ Liz defeated the Armada Now do you get it?

♪ When she left the throne, England was in credit

♪ We got, we got, we got the power

♪ That was our time and that was our hour

♪ We were Tudor women We reigned supreme

♪ Bossing it, baby We were the queens! ♪

For a short time.