Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians

♪ Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians Woeful Wars, Ferocious Fights

♪ Dingy Castles, Daring Knights Horrors that defy description

♪ Cut-throat Celts, Awful Egyptians Vicious Vikings, Cruel Crime

♪ Punishments from ancient times Roman, rotten, rank and ruthless

♪ Cavemen, savage, fearsome, toothless

♪ Groovy Greeks, Brainy Sages Mean and Measly Middle Ages

♪ Gory stories, we do that

♪ And your host, a talking rat

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to

♪ Horrible Histories. ♪

Horrible Histories presents...

Well, exceptional scenes here at the Houses of Parliament,

where a brand-new political party has just been formed.

Let's join the action, live.

And so I am proud to announce the Demo-rat-ic party.

And I'm very pleased to say that joining us

will be my new advisor, an expert in winning national votes,

the political giant that is Dani Dyer.

Wait a minute, Dani Dyer?

All right, Rattus? Oh, hello there.

With the best will in the world, Dani,

I was told I was getting an expert in modern politics.

What do you know about the vicious world of back-stabbing,

unholy alliances and lying?

I was on Love Island.

Fair point. Welcome on board.

So, what DO you know about politics?

Well, I know that democracy is the second greatest export

of ancient Greece. Oh, right, well, what was the first?

Kebabs.

HE LAUGHS

Hey, I think we might be made for each other.

Citizens of Athens, I am here to announce

the birth of democracy.

CROWD: Ooh!

From now on, Athens will be ruled by all of its citizens, equally.

Equal rights, equal votes, and every citizen can suggest new laws.

You had something.

I'd like to suggest a new law on free pudding.

Yeah. Yeah. When I said everyone, obviously I didn't mean children.

Ugh. I didn't want to do it, anyway.

I like the sound of this democracy.

I have an idea for a new law.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. No foreigners.

How could he tell?

Yeah, yeah, I've got an idea for a new law. No slaves.

Oh, you won't know what it was then, will you?

Was it to free all the slaves?

So everyone is equal except for children, slaves and foreigners?

And women, yes.

Women can't vote either.

Did I forget to mention that?

Ugh, should be called man-ocracy. SHE TUTS

So, when it comes to the politics of running Athens,

democracy means we all get a say.

Looks like it's you and me, sir.

I'm not that really into politics, to be honest.

Then you are an idiot.

Right, that's it. Hey! Hey!

I didn't mean that as an insult.

Idiot is the Greek word for citizen who isn't interested in politics.

Oh. Right.

Also, you are an idiot.

And yet you and I are completely equal. Exactly.

So long as you are a landowning Greek citizen like me.

Where do you live?

Under the cart.

Oh. Just me, then.

For a long time, Britain didn't have a democracy -

we were ruled over by kings and queens

right up until Oliver Cromwell defeated King Charles I

in the Civil War.

Finally, the people's representatives in Parliament

were able to rule the country and Charles was locked up,

never to see the light of day again.

Well, I say "never".

Congratulations, General Cromwell, we've caught the king yet again,

so the war should be over any day. You've done a great job.

Of course I have.

The name's Oliver CromWELL, not Oliver CromRUBBISH.

Oh, no, that sounded better in my head.

No matter my Lord, we must decide quickly what to do

with King Charles before he tries to escape,

like he did at Hampton Court.

This is a castle, there's no way the King is getting out of here.

He knows he's beaten this time,

and with him out of the way this country can be run properly.

Um... We should cut off his head, just in case.

I mean, it's much harder to lead an army

when you haven't got a head, am I right? But...

..does not the Bible teach mercy?

Perhaps we should let him live on the condition

that he gives the throne to his son.

Yeah, but what if the son

is like the father,

swanning about doing as he pleases

cos he thinks he gets his power directly from God?

Yes, Charles is a very big-headed.

Which is why we'll need an extra large axe to chop it off.

CROMWELL LAUGHS

But if we kill him, the people might turn against us.

True, we're not very popular, are we?

Yeah, it's weird.

You know, we've been good Puritans,

and we'll close all the theatres, we'll ban sports

and cancel Christmas, I mean, what's not to like?

Exactly.

Working with Charles could be popular.

Working with Charles?

He's made a deal with the Scots to attack us.

Of course, we could just send him away.

Italy, maybe?

Is that your idea of a punishment?

He wages war against his own people and we give him a little holiday?

No. Head off, now!

We cannot order the death of the King.

Oh, will you please make up your minds!

HE SCREAMS

He's escaping. Right, that's it.

We execute him. Yes!

But then again... No backsies. Aw.

If I get elected, I'll be the first rat ever to enter Parliament.

I think first might be pushing it.

Hey, I can't wait to get in there with all the other MPs

and sit on the thrones and ride the crocodiles,

and - oh! - dress up as a space dog!

You don't really know what happens in Parliament, do you?

What gave it away?

Literally everything you just said.

Well, what do they do in there, then?

Well, they have debates about new laws

and decide how to run the country.

The debates do get a little bit rowdy, though,

so they have someone called

the Speaker of the House. Oh, yeah?

And they decide who can talk and who can't talk.

Just to make sure everything runs smoothly.

Oh, that sounds like a very tricky job. It is.

It used to be even harder,

because the Speaker used to have to sit there

throughout the whole debate,

no matter how long it took.

What? Even if they have to, um...

Oh, yes. Oh.

And I would like to conclude by saying

that, like our Royal Navy ships, the Prime Minister Mr Pitt's

argument is clapped out and full of holes.

Order, order.

Can we move things along a bit?

I'm rather in desperate need of a trip to the little Speaker's room,

and as you know, law states that the Speaker cannot leave the chamber

whilst there is a debate,

even if he is bursting. Mr Pitt.

CHEERING

His Majesty's government is aware that the smallest holes

in the ships' hulls can lead to a constant trickle of sea water,

leading quickly to a great gushing, nay, the constant stream...

Right! I'm just going to have to go right here. ..of arguments.

One moment, please.

Don't mind me! Mr Pitt.

With...

TRICKLING

..French war looming, money will always be found

to stem the flow.

SPEAKER GROANS

Mr Fox!

When will the money be found, Mr Pitt? Hm?

And WHERE will it be found? CHEERING

Mr Pitt.

His Majesty's Treasury will foot the bill,

though taxes will have to be raised.

What do you say to that, Mr Fox? SPEAKER GROANS

Taxes are never...

SPEAKER SHUDDERS

..the best solution...

GROANING: Oh, God.

..to our problems. CHEERING

SIGHING: Oh, that's better.

A never-ending tax that will run and run...

TRICKLING STARTS AGAIN

Still not finished.

There must be another solution.

You're telling me.

Perhaps someone could be persuaded to donate a big lump sum.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. FARTING AND SPLASHING

SPEAKER CLEARS HIS THROAT

Can I, um, borrow your notes, please?

It wasn't that bad.

It is here that Prime Ministers make history.

You the Prime Minister, Spencer Perceval? I am.

But leave a message with my secretary.

Here's my message for you, sir.

GUNSHOT Argh!

But how will history remember them?

Prime Minister, you've been shot!

I am murdered.

Do you have any last words?

Yes, I am murdered.

Yes, I know, I heard, but have you got any last words?

I am murdered.

I. Am. Murdered.

You see, the thing is,

I don't want to put any pressure on you right now,

but you haven't really done much as Prime Minister

and this is likely to be the last thing that you're remembered for.

Yeah, plus you're the only Prime Minister to be shot,

I mean, it's such a big deal,

you really need to have some famous last words.

I know it's a big deal, I am murdered.

THEY GROAN

No. It's close. It's just... it's not doing it for me.

It just doesn't grab me.

You think you can do a better job? Knock yourselves out.

Um...

Kiss me, Hardy.

No, it's been done.

How about something a bit silly? Like, um...

I'll never get this stain out.

I mean, I can't do his voice, but... No, it is close. Thank you.

I am not Spencer Perceval, I am his twin brother, Leonard.

The real Spencer is... HE GURGLES

And then he... Die just before you...

I'm sticking with "I am murdered", thank you.

I don't want to say anything else, in case it's dumb and people think

I'm a total nincom...pooooooop. Ooh, he's off.

And he's gone.

"I am a total nincompooooop."

PERCEVAL GASPS THEY GASP

I...am...murdered.

All right, we'll go... We'll go with that.

I did like nincompoo... Same. But, you know.

Hello, Queen Victoria I, here.

Also, Queen Victoria the last - there haven't been any others.

You know, we royals still had a say in Parliament,

because although the people elected the governments,

the Prime Ministers would still report directly to me.

Your Majesty, the role of the monarch at a historic moment

such as this... I'm going to stop you there, Lord Salisbury,

you know, you're not my first Prime Minister.

I know, Ma'am, but...

During my reign I've had ten different prime ministers,

heading up to 20 different governments.

I don't doubt that, Your Majesty, but...

Robert Gascoyne-Cecil, the 3rd Marquess of Salisbury,

you, sir, are Prime Minister number ten.

TO THE TUNE OF: Mambo No 5 by Lou Bega

♪ One, two, three, four, ten

♪ I can count them up to five, then count five again

♪ Prime ministers, Tory, Liberal and Whig

♪ They try to tell one what to do but one doesn't give a fig

♪ A little bit of Melbourne in my life

♪ A little bit of Peel by my side

♪ A little bit of Russell

♪ That was all I need

♪ A little bit of Derby

♪ Who was he?

♪ A little bit of Aberdeen

♪ Please don't go

♪ A little bit of Palmerston,

♪ Oh, dear, no

♪ A little bit of Derby

♪ Seriously, who?

♪ What? More Palmerston?

♪ No, thanks - boo!

♪ One, two, three, four, ten

♪ I can count them up to five then count five again

♪ I liked Melbourne, Disraeli, Aberdeen and Peel

♪ But I didn't like Palmerston

♪ That's just how I feel

♪ Mambo Number Ten

♪ There were some from the left

♪ There were some from the right

♪ If we are not amused

♪ They're not doing it right

♪ For a time Lord Russell reappeared

♪ Then someone called Derby

♪ Still no idea

♪ Then Benjamin Disraeli

♪ But not for long

♪ Then Gladstone

♪ Ugh, glad when he was gone

♪ Disraeli for encore

♪ Then Lord Gladstone

♪ What a bore

♪ A little bit of Salisbury

♪ Please don't go

♪ Then more Gladstone

♪ Seriously, no

♪ Salisbury Yes, my son

♪ Gladstone Please kill one

♪ The Earl of Rosebury

♪ For a bit

♪ Then more Salisbury, and that's it. ♪

Victorian politicians weren't very good at minding their own business.

Not satisfied with meddling at home, they also meddled abroad,

even in countries that weren't theirs.

In 1884, the German Chancellor, Otto Von Bismarck, invited 12 other

European nations, plus America, to come to Berlin to carve up

the whole continent of Africa between them.

The plan was to find a fair way

of dividing up the continent among the group.

Of course, it wasn't very fair on the tens of millions

of African people who already lived there.

Gentlemen.

The vast continent of Africa.

Rich in gold, copper, diamonds, rubber, timber.

The aim of this conference is to divide this vast land

between the great powers in the most civilised way possible.

To that end, may I announce this session open with the word...

..BUNDLE!

MUSIC: Flight Of The Valkyries by Wagner

Hey! Give me that! Hey!

Give me that!

Hey! Give me that bit! Hey!

CHICKEN CLUCKS

It says here there's an important conference happening in Berlin.

Berlin. Where is Berlin?

In Europe.

It's a very long way away.

What has that got to do with us?

The conference is to decide our future.

Well, I am sure they are taking their decisions very seriously.

MUSIC AND BICKERING CONTINUES

I do worry.

They have some very uncivilised behaviours in Europe.

There are many tribes always fighting each other.

How can they divide our land if they are not here?

They have a map and they are drawing lines on it.

Surely drawing lines on a map just divides the map?

If they want to divide the land, one should draw lines on the land.

Excuse me, this way, coming through.

Morning.

Now, just keep going in that direction,

until you hit the Belgian chap with the Congo string.

Don't mind us. What are you doing?

This is our house!

Actually, that side there is now the German country of Tanganyika,

and this side here is the completely different country

of British East Africa or Kenya.

Have you gone silly?

Are you trying to tell me I'm now in a different country from my wife?

Afraid so, old chap.

I mean, you could always cross over and join her.

Nuh-uh-uh-uh! Passport, please.

Nobody has explained to us why you get to do this.

Never felt the need, old boy.

Don't worry, I'm sure you get used to it.

Pip-pip.

Hi, I'm Mahatma Gandhi, which means "great soul".

Not my actual name, obviously. I'm really called Mohandas.

But Great Soul has a nicer ring to it, don't you think?

I am currently protesting against the British Empire,

which has forced its rule over India

and will not allow we Indians the right to vote.

I believe in non-violent protests such as hunger strikes,

so I haven't eaten anything for six whole days.

I am literally willing to die for what's right.

MAN CLEARS HIS THROAT

Mr Gandhi, sir, the British government are prepared

to start negotiations on the independence of India.

Finally! You took your time! I'm absolutely blooming starving!

Right. Um....

Well...my wife made me some sandwiches.

Just some BLTs.

I'm a vegan!

The L and the T are OK, but the B is completely unacceptable.

The protest continues.

Gandhi has some new demands!

A vegan option, apparently, immediately.

And a packet of crisps, too.

Gandhi. I'm willing to die for what is right.

Numb bum.

So, when the politicians aren't doing what the people want,

sometimes the people protest?

Exactly.

Let me demonstrate.

Oi, he says all the police are going to confiscate your cheese.

CROWD BOOS

Banana skin, lovely. Do you know what?

We should announce unpopular laws more often.

Be careful, though.

Sometimes protests are much bigger than that.

Did you know, one of our biggest protests in history

was for the fight for women to get the vote?

Can you believe women didn't used to be able to vote?

Yeah, and there was a time when they weren't even allowed

inside Parliament to watch debates.

MUTED CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh.

I'm terribly sorry, I thought this

was the Ladies' Gallery, not a cupboard.

Yes, it is. Come in.

Make room, ladies.

But I'm here to listen to the House of Commons debate.

Oh, yes, you can.

And, actually, if you look

right down there, you can see the Prime Minister himself.

A bit.

We can't be expected to squeeze in here.

The House of Commons is an enormous chamber, there's plenty of room.

Well, they're actually debating that right now.

Or at least I think they are, it's very difficult to hear.

It is the feeling of this house that women in the chamber

would cause interruptions.

They're saying we'd cause eruptions.

Parliament isn't on an active volcano.

Or, worse, would wink at MPs and distract them.

Apparently we'd steal their keys and attack them.

How dare he!

I draw the honourable members' attention to a letter

I received some years ago from an actual lady.

CHEERING

She says she's happy women are being excluded

from certain public areas of Parliament.

And I'm inclined to believe that she stands for all women

in relation to this ban.

Ah. He said he had a letter from one woman saying she was happy,

so they assume all women feel the same.

Ridiculous.

You can't have heard that right.

The lady in the letter has spoken.

Motion carried, no women in the public gallery.

Oh, you did. CHEERING

Women weren't just banned from the chamber of the House of Commons.

They were banned from voting, too.

This led to years of campaigning from groups like us,

the Suffragettes.

We'd use any form of protest we could

to get attention for our cause.

And one of our members came up with a rather ingenious way

of getting noticed by Parliament, her name was Emily Wilding Davison.

SHE SHOUTS

What day is it? Why are you in my cupboard?

Oh, it's 6am! Is it Monday? Yeah.

Monday, 3rd of April, 1911, census day.

Every single person in Britain is having their address recorded

and I, Emily Wilding Davison, proud Suffragette,

can officially record my residence as the Houses of Parliament.

Well, a cupboard in the Houses of Parliament.

I may not be allowed to vote here because I am a woman,

but the Parliament will forever be listed as my home.

How long have you actually been in there?

Er, roughly 46 hours.

I snuck it here on Saturday and I've been hiding here ever since,

fortified by beef sandwiches and lime cordial.

I haven't spoken to anyone in two days.

Actually, is there a ladies' loo nearby?

Not down here in the crypt,

but if you take that set of stairs there and go all the way to the top,

take a right... Or is it a left? No, I tell a lie, it is a right,

and down the corridor, into the library,

into the canteen. No! No, not the canteen, the clerks' office.

Oh, while you're there, say hi to Brenda, would you?

Lovely girl, Brenda, going through a bit of a hard patch at the moment.

Then back into the corridor, down the steps, mind the gong...

Thank you ever so much.

Ah, have a nice day.

Ugh! Oh!

All right? I'm Edith Garrud, I'm a Suffragette from Wales.

When we protested the lack of votes for women,

many of us got beaten up by police.

So what did I do to protect my fellow Suffragettes?

Did I...?

The answer is A, I trained 30 ladies in Suffra-jitsu.

Yes, I may have been the tiniest Suffragette,

but I was also the toughest.

Hang on, I'll show you some. Come here, Mr Cameraman.

Right. No. THUMPING

Votes for women! Votes for women! SHOUTING

So women in the UK finally got the right to vote in 1918,

leading to a whole new movement of the women in politics.

Eventually, this led to our first female Prime Minister,

Margaret Thatcher.

But before she was PM, when she first became leader of her party,

being a woman meant that she still had to make extra effort

to be taken seriously.

Well, congratulations on becoming the first female leader

of a British political party, Margaret.

Oh! Thank you, Bernard.

But we do still have some work to do

if you're going to be elected

as Britain's first female Prime Minister.

I'm talking about the voice.

Oh, really?

Is it not posh enough?

Actually, it's a little bit too posh. Oh!

COCKNEY ACCENT: You fink I should talk like a cockerney and all that,

me ol' sparrow? Lor, love a duck!

Please, never, ever do that again.

Roger that, guv.

Look, we need to find you a voice that people will respect.

IN CHURCHILL ACCENT: Never! In a field of Grantham grocers...

Goodness me, no.

A little more feminine than Winston Churchill.

Maybe try your normal voice, but huskier,

slower and with the emphasis on certain words.

Something like this?

THUNDER CRACKS My name is Margaret Thatcher

and I will be Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.

Is that the sort of thing you were thinking of?

STAMMERING: That's...perfect.

How are you doing that voice?

You thinking about having a poo?

What?

OK, well, Margret, with that voice,

you will definitely become Prime Minister.

Really? How exciting!

I can't wait to tell the family, they'll be thrilled!

You must never talk in your normal voice in public again, OK?

Fine.

I'll do the poo voice. THUNDER CRACKS

Great.

Although, we probably shouldn't call it that.

No. SHE FARTS

Whoops.

If it took us hundreds of years

to elect our first female Prime Minister,

how long till we elect our first rat one?

I don't know.

But not eating your own votes would be a start.

Fair enough. Do you know what?

I don't think I'm cut out for political life, anyway.

Frankly, I wouldn't mind if we went back to a full monarchy.

I look up to royals, you know?

Especially when I'm hiding in their toilet bowl.

Oi! My dad's part royalty, you know?

I doubt it's any of the parts I've seen.

Well, Dani, thanks for all your help today.

I may not have got elected,

but I've learned a lot about politics,

from ancient Greece right up to modern times.

And it's been quite a ride for the common people, too.

TO THE TUNE OF: Common People by Pulp

♪ It came from Greece We were the first to acknowledge

♪ The idea of a democratic college Oh, yeah

♪ So it started there

♪ Before that we were all just ruled by royals

♪ They thought that common folk should just be loyal

♪ Oh, yeah... ♪

Well, we weren't having that any more.

♪ So we tried

♪ The first system for the common people

♪ No longer treat them like a bunch of sheeple

♪ Each law voted for by the people

♪ Democracy meant they got to keep all the power

♪ But only if they qualify... ♪

Slaves, women and foreigners need not apply. Mm.

♪ You're meant to join in if you like it or not

♪ If you refuse we call you an idiot

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ That word came from there

♪ Romans were less rude and we thought it better

♪ To have a Senate and appoint Senators to implement

♪ The laws of government

♪ This sort of meant that for the common bloke

♪ Democracy became a bit of a joke

♪ Power was just held by a load of rich geezers

♪ Till the republic was ended by Ceasar... ♪

Thought I'd give being a dictator a crack.

♪ But then they stabbed me in the ba-a-a-a-ack

♪ Civil war was aimed to bring

♪ A chance to restrain the King

♪ Still the people were ignored

♪ Power stayed with King

♪ And Lord Cromwell's Roundheaded intent?

♪ Restrain the King with Parliament

♪ Ended when I lost my head

♪ I won but then we got Charles II instead!

♪ Still we tried to stand up for choice

♪ Make Parliament hear the people's voice

♪ But it was hard to get that message though

♪ Nothing changed till 1832

♪ But there's one thing to note

♪ The working class and women still can't vote

♪ For common workers the fight's not done

♪ Until the end of World War One

♪ Votes for women thanks to Suffragettes

♪ And no-one's found a better system yet

♪ As Churchill said to our great-grandmothers... ♪

Democracy's worst...

..apart from all the others.

Completely different British company... Ooh, no, no.

I am but a woman, but the houses of...poo...

THEY LAUGH

Wasn't that bad.

Oh. PEOPLE LAUGH

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Hope you enjoyed

♪ Horrible Histories. ♪