Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors gorgeous Georgians

♪ Slimy Stuarts vile Victorians

♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

♪ Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

♪ Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

♪ Gory stories, we do that

♪ And your host, a talking rat

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to...

♪ Horrible Histories. ♪

Horrible Histories presents...

Moon Mayhem!

Throughout horrible history, mankind dreamed of the wonders

of journeying to the stars

and stepping foot on the Moon.

50 years ago, it finally happened,

when American astronauts beat their Soviet Russian rivals

and got there first.

That's one small step for man...

..one giant leap for mankind.

An incredible achievement.

We reached beyond our grasp.

The doors to the universe had been unlocked,

giving mankind a chance to put aside its petty differences.

I still don't get why you get to be first man on the Moon, Neil.

I told you, Buzz, we've been through this.

I'm mission commander.

Also, I was closest to the door, so...

PING, HISSING You know, it makes sense.

Oh, no! What?

The urine pipe in my suit is broken! My leg is filling up with wee!

Well, there you go.

We're both the first guys to do something.

I'm the first guy to walk on the Moon.

You're the first guy to take a leak on the Moon. It's great!

Sure, my mom will be really proud!

At least no-one at home knows about this.

Uh, Neil and Buzz, this is Houston.

Well done, guys. You're making history

and the whole world is listening.

Great. That's just great...

Greetings, Earthlings.

Rattus here, for the spaced-out special with my good friend,

comedian and space fan, Dara O Briain.

None of your e-mails said this would be in a sewer.

Tiny hands, Dara.

Makes typing very difficult.

But you're here now - let's talk about space!

What do you remember about the Moon landing?

The Moon landing was 50 years ago. I'm not that old!

But I am a big space nerd.

And that is one of the great human traditions, going back

to the very dawn of civilisation -

to gaze up at the wonder of...

Is that a massive...

Yeah. How did it get on the roof?

Well, you know the game Pooh Sticks?

Well, we haven't got very many sticks here in the sewer, but we do

have a lot of... Forget it, forget it. I'd rather not know.

O mighty King, I, your royal astrologer,

foresee great danger.

The heavens foretell something dreadful will happen to our king.

Wait... "Our king"?

So the heavens don't mention my name specifically?

Well, no, but you are our king!

So, if someone else was king for a bit,

the bad things would happen to them?

Technically...

You there! Peasant!

It's your lucky day! What?

I give you the title King of Babylon!

He is king now.

For a bit!

OK... What's in it for me?

What's in it for you? Are you being serious? Yep.

You get to live in the king's palace,

eat his food, sleep in his bed, have his servants at your command.

So will I still be shovelling horse muck?

No! Obviously.

That's a shame. I enjoy that.

I'll leave it, thank you. Living the dream!

As king, you could still shovel poo, if you wanted to.

Oh, no, that's tough, now!

Not really. It's not at all, is it?

Come on, what's the catch?

Well...

Look, you're going to laugh.

After 100 days, you will be executed.

I mean, it's a technical, written-in-the-stars kind of thing.

You take the king's bad luck, we kill you, the bad luck dies too.

I will take the job.

Sorry, did you hear what I just said?

Smart guy!

Here.

Pop this on. Thank you.

And come this way.

And I really can be king and shovel poo?

Oh, absolutely.

Don't let him touch my toothbrush.

It's a new term, and determined to improve

the school's recent Ofsted rating of "truly terrifying",

head teacher Lesley Winkworth has hired a new science teacher.

Welcome to Historical Educating.

Our project this term is the Moon.

So who better to teach them than one of the founders

of the Royal Society?

Mr Wilkins was one of the cleverest people in the 17th century,

so Key Stage Two science should be no problem.

OK, class.

Who can tell what this is?

Yeah? The Moon?

Great! And how would we get to the Moon?

In a rocket?

Ooh, close.

You get there in a flying chariot like this.

Whoosh!

Look out!

But, um, bigger, obviously.

How would we breathe?

There is no air in space.

No air in space?

Hello?

What do you think the angels are breathing?

Looks like we've found our dunce.

What's a dunce?

I think she's answered her own question.

OK, so...you've got your chariot and you're headed for the Moon.

Now, we've packed some clothes and some food,

but why won't we need much?

Yeah? Because we'll be dead already.

HE IMITATES WRONG-ANSWER KLAXON Not your day today, as it?

No, the actual answer is because we can buy anything

we need from the moon shop when we get there.

What do you mean, when we get there?

Can I have a word with you in my office,

Mr Wilkins? Yeah, sure.

Be fine, yeah. Whoosh!

I just don't see what the problem is with a school trip to the Moon.

For one thing, it'll be great for the class to meet all the people

who live there. Wait...

You think that there are people living on the Moon?

Uh, yes!

Someone's got to feed the angels, haven't they?

OK, well, you'd better get on with your trip, then!

Great!

I'll just take this. Yeah.

BUZZER

Security, can you come to the headmaster's office, please?

Welcome back to the show!

Nobody went anywhere. Oh, no, you're right.

Nevertheless, it's quiz time!

Come on, let's play Who's That Space Scientist?

MUSIC

The prize is a chocolate doughnut.

OK, let's play. First question.

What can you tell me, Dara O Briain, about Copernicus?

Ah, Copernicus, an incredibly important space scientist.

Back in the 16th century, he was the first person to propose

that the Earth actually went around the Sun

rather than the other way around. Correct. Galileo?

Galileo confirmed what Copernicus had done in the 17th century

in a very controversial way.

Correct. Mo Salah?

He's a footballer, he's got nothing to do with this.

If you say so. Isaac Newton?

Enormously important.

Devised the first laws of gravity, and gravity is the force

that holds the whole universe together.

And for the doughnut, what connects them all?

Ahh, well, that's very, very easy.

They are all incredibly important astronomers and space scientists.

No. Yes.

No. No, they are.

OK, that's the right answer, but the answer I was looking for

was that they were all in a boyband.

What? You can have a doughnut anyway.

That... That's not a doughnut.

Funny. Looked like a doughnut when it was floating past.

SYNTHESISER PLAYS

♪ The Earth spins round the Sun Right round

♪ Not the other way round Way round, round

♪ I'm Copernicus, I'm the first one of us

♪ To say the Earth spins on an axis

♪ Now, convincing the world that their view's absurd

♪ Is much more harder in practice

♪ That our planet spins this way and also spins that way

♪ My critics, they called me eccentric

♪ But haters be hating while I'll be creating

♪ My model that's heliocentric

♪ The Earth spins round the Sun Right round

♪ Not the other way round Way round, round

♪ Not in a circle Kepler found

♪ Goes elliptically round, round, round, round

♪ Discovering Jupiter's four moons refuted the formerly mooted Ptolemy

♪ Through my telescope, the Pope said, "Nope,

♪ "What is this wild new astronomy?"

♪ Tried to make me recant, I said that I shan't

♪ Because there was proof, I attested

♪ Cos that was my view but what could I do?

♪ It actually got me arrested

♪ The Earth spins round the Sun Right round

♪ Not the other way round Way round, round

♪ Not in a circle Kepler found.

♪ Goes elliptically round, round, round, round

♪ Don't panic, our world is mechanical

♪ My laws of motion all work without flaws

♪ I made science seem much less trickier in my Principia

♪ With show of force

♪ Can't help that it's matter of fact that all matter attracts

♪ Let's break it down rationally

♪ That the Sun pulls the Earth pulls the Moon, pulls the sea, even me

Yeah, that's gravity.

♪ The Earth spins round the Sun Right round

♪ Not the other way round Way round, round

♪ Earth spins round the Sun, around

♪ Not the other way round, around

♪ Gravity keeps us on the ground

♪ Means the Sun pulls the Earth around... ♪

MUSIC STOPS

Are you looking for excitement?

Are you not too worried about health and safety?

Or almost certain death?

Boring.

Then come on down to the banks of Bosphorus here in Istanbul.

Hi, I'm 17th-century rocket scientist Legari Hasan Celebi.

And I'm putting a rocket up the Sultan's celebrations.

Literally!

That's why I'm using gunpowder to blast someone into the air,

high above water.

Actual gunpowder.

Lots of gunpowder.

Interested in being in a rocket?

Please be interested.

If I can't find someone to do it, I'll have to do it myself.

Come on, last chance. It will be great!

You'll burst out of this rocket high in the air and glide down,

wearing home-made wings while making a speech for the Sultan,

and everything will be magical and wonderful.

Anybody?

Fine, fine. I'll do it.

Just light the fuse.

FIZZING

BOOM! HE SHRIEKS

HE SCREAMS

It's worse than I imagined!

SPUTTERING, WHISTLING

HE SCREAMS

It worked.

What were the chances, 200 metres in the air

and I wasn't blown to bits?! Ha-ha-ha!

I am the first to achieve human flight using rockets!

Never doubted for a second.

That may have been the first successful manned rocket flight,

but just 300 years later, we Americans...

And we Russians!

..were building rockets that could fly all the way to space.

Yeah, Soviet Russia...

And America.

..and America used space rockets as ultimate demonstration

of technological superiority

and show who is best boss country in whole world.

This was part of Cold War.

It was called the Cold War because there was no fighting,

just showing off and empty trash talk from guys like this.

Trash talk?

OK, tell me who got into space first.

I don't remember.

I give you clue.

Is anagram of Roviet Sussia.

And it put the mighty Soviet Russian Sputnik satellite into space.

General...

As you know, the pesky Americans are trying to beat us into space.

But fear not.

For I have come up with an invention so terrifying,

they will be crying into their Cola Cocas.

Behold...

..the horror that is Sputnik!

What is it?

Is satellite.

BEEP That goes beep.

Why I want beepy satellite?

So that every time the jolly Americans hear this sinister...

BEEP ..they will be reminded

of the superiority of Russian technology.

And it's also quite annoying.

BEEPS CONTINUE

Hm, it is quite annoying!

Send beepy satellite into space.

Is OK, you can turn off now.

BEEPS CONTINUE

The off switch is...

BEEPS GET FASTER Shush!

Switch it off!

HE GRUNTS BEEPS STOP

OK, is off.

BEEPS HE SCREAMS

Now, this Sputnik is a PR nightmare.

Panicked by the successful launch of Russian satellite Sputnik,

members of top-secret military project A119,

including astrophysicist Carl Sagan, have invited Sophie and Sebastian

to share some ideas,

so America can try to beat the Russians at their own game.

I'm going to get the ball rolling.

I call this "ya boo to you, Russki".

It's simple.

We fire paint at the Moon until it looks like this.

Do you have any idea how much paint it would take to cover the Moon?

Three pots? More than three.

Six? A lot more than six, too.

We are just getting started.

How about space pool?

Pot that planet.

Word.

I don't think you have a sense of how big things really are.

So...

I'm guessing the moony golf course isn't a great idea?

Silent disco party.

These ideas are nuts.

OK, Dr Spongelove.

How about we just send a nuclear missile to the Moon and blow it up?

Bam, that'll make the Russkies sit up.

Wow, and I thought the moony golf course was out there.

No, wait.

This could work...

Blowing up the Moon would be a great show of strength and we could learn

a lot from the debris.

I mean, it would be a fantastic geological survey of the Moon.

Won't that be massively unpopular?

And won't damaging the Moon lead to the extinction

of life on this planet?

Thank you. Don't know what came over me then.

Downer.

OK, long shot.

How about...we land some people on the Moon.

That's madness! Totally impractical.

I prefer the nukes. Me too.

General...

As you know, my last invention was amazing success.

Annoying, scary satellite that goes beep is making Americans go crazy.

But now I go one better.

Hold on to your hats, gentlemen, as you come face-to-face

with the horror that is...

..Ivan Ivanovich.

WHIRRING HE SINGS HIGH-PITCHED NOTES

Bom, bom, bom, bom.

What is it? Is dummy cosmonaut man.

We put him in space and he float around like scary space Action Man.

Is super-scary for Americans.

Doesn't look scary to me.

What does he do?

Well, he...

..sings old folk songs

and recites recipes for borscht.

CLICK RUSSIAN FOLK SONG PLAYS

No, no, no.

That isn't correct amount of potato.

This borscht will be bland and flavourless.

Oh, so...

By making Americans doubt their silly little taste buds,

we will encourage them to doubt their government

and whole concept of Western democracy.

Whooo.

It is good idea. Send into space.

Whooo, so scary.

Whooo.

Just one more thing.

Say "whooo" again and I will send you with it.

OK.

So I'm... I'll see you later.

Yes, that dummy was sent into space.

As were dogs, reptiles, mice and guinea pigs.

Wow, that's a lot of brave animals going into space there, Dara.

I'd blast an animal into space, you know that?

Small one, smelly one, when that rhymes with "hat".

That's funny, I don't see any cats round here.

Seemingly, Ivan Ivanovich isn't the only dummy we have here.

Oh, wait a minute. Was all that thing about...?

Was that me? Ah, I'm only kidding!

Ah, no! Don't tickle me, don't tickle me, don't tickle me!

Ahhh... Now I've weed.

After the fake men were sent into space,

the Russians, of course, sent a real man.

Yuri Gagarin became the first human being to orbit the Earth.

I bet everyone was dead impressed!

Well, yeah.

The Americans weren't too happy, and Yuri's dad wasn't either.

Well, that's a bit mean.

TV: And so, the biggest crowd since the end of World War II gather

to salute Gagarin.

His family must be so proud!

Hello!

It's me, Yuri!

I am Russian hero!

I went into space!

Whatever. People are dancing in the street.

Why they dance?

Well, because up until now, no-one has been into space.

But now someone has!

Me, Yuri, your son!

So what?

They send dog into space.

Well, space dog didn't come back, did he?

He still up in atmosphere!

So the dog has more stamina than you.

Typical! Can't you just be proud of me?

Mum!

What is it, darling?

Can you tell Daddy to be proud of me, please?

Alexei, be proud of your son. Thank you, Mummy.

He is the first man to land on the Moon!

No, I didn't land on the Moon.

Well, you are the first man to go to the Moon?

We didn't really go to the Moon.

Then you're the first man to do spacewalk.

No, no, I didn't do that either.

What did you do?

Just went into space.

But the doggy already done that, Yuri.

Hello. I am Russian cosmonaut Valentina Tereshkova.

In 1963, I was first woman ever to go into space,

travelling around the Earth 48 times in 70 hours.

But what happened when I returned to my mother country?

Did I...

The answer is B.

Yes, I got married.

Russian leaders say I should marry cosmonaut Andriyan Nikolayev.

So we have big space wedding.

Not in actual space.

It is very hard to throw bouquet in space.

It just floats away.

And so does your husband.

The Soviet Russians were way ahead

of our American Apollo space programme,

and we needed to up our game.

So we invested in some incredibly powerful computers

that could calculate the complicated mathematics needed

to get manned rockets to the Moon and back.

But these computers were kind of different to the ones

you're thinking of.

When you're planning to put a man on the Moon,

you need a computer that can do high-speed complex calculations

and precise rocket trajectories.

You need the latest technology from NASA.

Just ask the experts.

Hi, Buzz Aldrin, astronaut.

We rocket-jockeys don't know much about computers,

but this is one computer I trust.

And I know the future when I see it.

ALARM

The future of computers is now.

The future is...

Welcome to me.

Katherine Johnson.

NASA computer.

Tell Buzz if he uses these settings, he's going to hit the Sun.

Sorry, where do I plug in the keyboard?

I'm not that kind of computer.

Computer is my job title.

So you don't work out complex algorithms and baffling calculations

at super-high speeds?

Well, I guess I am that kind of computer!

Great! So where do I plug in the keyboard?

The iKatherine Johnson.

Putting the person in personal computing.

Don't you even think about it!

Houston, this is Apollo 10. We are now orbiting the Moon

with a distance of 8.4 nautical miles.

Commander, the instruments are picking something up.

It's... It's pretty close by.

What? An asteroid?

No, this thing is made of organic matter.

Guys, it's ten feet away.

I can't see it, where is it?

Eight feet! I've sealed all the airlocks!

Five feet!

Guys, I don't want to worry you, but it's inside the ship.

I don't want to die!

Sensors are reading high levels of carbon,

water and sweetcorn!

I have a visual!

What is it, Captain Cernan?

It's a number two, sir.

This is no time to talk in code, Cernan!

It's a...

..brown dwarf.

A poopernova.

Sticky space invader!

It's a big poo!

Get it away from me!

Apollo 10, is everything OK?

Houston, we have a problem.

There's a...

..a poo-poo floating in the cockpit.

I think there's a problem with the communication system.

It sounded like you said there's a poo-poo floating in the cockpit.

No, no, that's what I said!

Someone clearly left the hatch on their spacesuit open.

Don't blow it here!

Well, you're on your own with that, Apollo 10.

There's nothing we can do about that from here!

OK, Young.

Catch it in a napkin.

Why me? I didn't do it.

Doesn't look like one of mine.

Young, this is an order.

Well done, Young.

That was one small poo for man, one giant catch for mankind.

Definitely one for the captain's log, sir.

It was the next Apollo mission, Apollo 11, that was the first

to finally land people on the Moon

on the 20th of July, 1969.

530 million people watched as Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin

walked on the Moon and became superstars.

But there was a third astronaut on the mission, Michael Collins,

who stayed on the spacecraft.

Thankfully, this was before social media was a thing.

Hey, guys, welcome to Spacebook live,

from the capsule on the Apollo 11 mission to land a man on the Moon!

Loving your comments. Keep them coming.

"Love you, Neil Armstrong"?

I'm not Neil.

Guys, I'm not Buzz Aldrin either.

It's me!

Michael Collins!

The other astronaut, with Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin.

Well, not with them.

So, Neil and Buzz have gone off to the Moon

and they're the first people on the Moon, but I am... Whoops.

I am the first to wait in orbit...

..all by himself...

..to collect two people from the Moon.

So, which would you rather do?

Am I right?

Thanks, big love to all the fans out there.

Thanks for all the follows.

Hashtag Apollo 11.

Remember the names.

Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin and me,

Michael...

Hey, Dara, did you know that we rats were experts in rocket power too?

I did not know that. In what way do you...?

HE BREAKS WIND

Nearly had lift-off with that one.

Oh. That is what we in astronomy call a gas giant!

Gastrophysics is a pet hobby of mine.

So, Dara, in the end, who do you think won the space race?

Was it America or Soviet Russia?

They both achieved so much, and, along the way,

Russia had all the firsts.

But there was only really one big prize

and that was to land on the Moon.

And, in fact, both the US President Kennedy and his Russian

counterpart Khrushchev poured fortunes into achieving this aim.

But there was only going to be one winner.

Many years ago, the great British explorer George Mallory,

who would later die on Everest, was asked why he wanted to climb it.

He said, "Because it is there."

Now, space is there.

And we're going to climb it.

Well, not climb it, unless there is some kind of...

..space ladder.

Is there a space ladder? No, not yet, sir.

No, apparently there is not a space ladder.

So we're going to fly to the Moon - because it is there.

But we'd better do it quick,

because the Russians have noticed it's there too.

♪ Come fly with me

♪ It's the key to the arms race

♪ To win the Cold War we need to be the first in space

♪ There's knowledge to be gained, that's the main desire we nurse

♪ Ha, you're rushing into space but we Russians got there first

♪ Our plans all went kaput-nik

♪ When you pulled that Sputnik

♪ Wheeze

♪ So I vowed to beat you, chump

♪ To that lunar lump of

♪ Cheese

♪ Flying to the Moon

♪ Who cares about the cost?

♪ All that matters now is

♪ If I win, that means he's lost

♪ Our man Gagarin first in space, super-fly

♪ Victorious More like furious

♪ Was he a spaceman or a spy?

♪ And Voskhod was good, we were the first to walk in space

♪ But Gemini was better, put us back in first place

♪ Then Christmas '68, our Apollo 8

♪ Around the Moon did whiz

♪ You call that a triumph? Not exactly rocket science

♪ Well, yes, it is

♪ Flying to the Moon

♪ Won by the USA

♪ Ha, I never craved that lunar landing anyway

♪ Whoa-oh

♪ Flying to the Moon

♪ Sure brings out your worst

♪ Billions spent

♪ You're just mad cos we got there first. ♪

Oh, my God.

For Russia! Choke-hold!

Yargh, darn it!