Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

♪ Romans rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

♪ Gory stories, we do that

♪ And your host, a talking rat

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to...

♪ ..Horrible Histories. ♪

Horrible Histories presents...

These are the Galapagos Islands,

home to an extraordinary array of wildlife.

I'm Charles Darwin, naturalist, biologist

and Victorian national treasure.

And these longhorn beetles have lived here undisturbed

for millions of years.

Until now.

SHOCKED GASPS FROM OFF-SCREEN

Did he just eat that beetle?!

Delicious, and not as chewy as you would expect.

Cut! What's he doing?

Was there a problem with the light?

Charles Darwin really did eat the animals he studied.

I'll eat anything except cheetahs.

I don't like fast food. SNARE DRUM PLAYS, AUDIENCE GROANS

But we're not here to talk about eating animals.

We're here to celebrate them.

Welcome to the...

..or the BAHs, as everyone calls them.

SHEEP BAAS

Yeah, no heckling, please.

Our first award tonight is Best Pet,

and the first nominee is dogs.

AUDIENCE: Awww!

Yeah, yeah, it's man's best friend.

Best friend?

I mean, hello! I'm standing right here.

Anyway, dogs haven't always been man's best friend.

They started out as their worst enemy.

DISTANT WOLF HOWLS

What's for dinner? Mammoth! Again?

I don't know what to tell you, they're really big.

We'll be eating that one for weeks.

It'd just be nice to have a light snack a bit more often...

LOUD GROWLING Ah! Ah!

Wolf!

Don't move, or he'll eat us.

WOLF SNIFFS

WOLF GROWLS

What do we do? Scare it away. You scare it away!

What you doing? Throwing a big stick at it.

WOLF SNARLS

You are literally the worst shot ever!

At least it's gone!

WOLF GROWLS Oh, no.

Ah, it's back! What do we do?

Ew, it's covered in drool.

Oh, that was rank.

Oh, it's back again.

WOLF WHINES

I think this wolf is trying to play some sort of game.

WOLF BARKS

Hmm.

Oh, careful. The game might be Eat The Human.

THUMP BIRD SQUAWKS

RUSTLING

Oh, no, don't pretend you were aiming for the bird.

Oh, thank you.

I think we should keep it. It's better at hunting than you are.

FARTING SPLATTERING

I'm going to get this in the pot.

You need to clean up that mess. What mess...? Ugh!

No, no, no, I'm not touching that.

WOLF BARKS AND GROWLS

Oh... No, yeah, yeah, I'll... I'll clean it up.

There's a good boy. All right.

Humankind's favourite furry friend

started out as a wild and dangerous beast.

Sure, they chased bones,

but they were the bones people were still using.

Over time, these wild animals became the pet dogs that we all love.

We Romans had pet dogs.

We liked all sorts of pets,

but the favourite pet of the poshest Romans might just shock you.

At last, an album celebrating

wealthy Romans' number one pet - eels!

Serenade your eels at feeding time

with these timeless classics.

♪ Baby, I just want to dance with my sleepy little

♪ Roman eel

♪ My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my

♪ Roman eel... ♪

Show your treasured pets your true EELINGS,

with hits like this...

♪ But I need to tell you something

♪ I eely, eely, eely

♪ Eely, eely, eely like you

♪ Do you like me? Do you like me?

♪ Do you like me too? ♪

Ow!

With special guest Lucius Crassus...

♪ I eel lo-o-ove... ♪

..who loves his eels so much, he dresses them up in jewellery!

♪ Lo-o-o-ove. ♪

♪ Don't be afraid to catch eels. ♪

Give your pet that special eeling

with Eel Love,

av-eel-able now!

Ah! Is there anyone else, Sir Nicholas?

Just one, Your Majesty. Sir John Peyton.

DEEP GROWLING

Sit! Nice lion!

DEEP SNARLING

An unusual entrance, Sir Nicholas.

Sir John looks after the animals

in your menagerie, Your Majesty.

Ah.

Yes, I do, Your Majesty, and I was wondering if... Oh!

DEEP GROWLING

I told you not to make a fool of me in front of the Queen!

Apologies, Your Majesty.

I was wondering if we could discuss

the moving of your wild animals from the Tower.

Certainly not.

Many of those beasts are gifts from kings and queens.

They are a symbol of my power.

It is not simply a zoo.

I understand, it's just the problem is... Whoa!

Oh, stop licking me, Elizabeth! You're tickling.

Good girl.

Your Majesty...yeah, sorry,

Elizabeth can be a little bit slobbery.

Hand the rope to our guard so we may finish our conversation.

Yeah... Thank you.

Well, if she's named after me, I'm sure she's a very nice lion!

LION GROWLS

Oh!

Yes, Your Majesty, your royal menagerie

has outgrown the Tower.

Naughty, naughty lion!

The castle wasn't built to house wild animals, you see,

and at present we have, well,

wolves, jackals... HOWLING AND BARKING

..hyenas, and bears, of course... CACKLING AND GROWLING

..leopards... GROWLING AND SNARLING

..we used to have some nice dogs,

but, well, leopards...

And I think that's all.

LOUD, DEEP GROWLING

And six lions.

GUARD SCREAMS

She'll get bored eventually!

Sir Peyton, there has been a menagerie at the Tower

since the reign of King John.

I will not be the first monarch in 400 years

not to have a menagerie here!

If you need help, the guard can give you a hand.

LION ROARS

Oh, see?

There, he's helping you already.

Good day to you. I am George Washington.

I led the American army to secure independence from Britain,

and in peacetime, I served as the first-ever president.

Do you know what I really loved doing?

Playing with my dogs.

Oh, my gosh...

I love dogs, they are literally the best.

And I love giving them hilarious names.

Can you guess which of these were not real names

of my pet pooches?

Was it...?

And the answer is C.

I never called my dogs Licker, Cruncher or Muncher,

but I used all the other names.

I also own dogs called Venus and Vulcan,

named after ancient gods.

Vulcan once stole a huge cooked ham from the kitchen

that was meant to feed a whole dinner party.

He ate the whole thing.

Naughty Vulcan. My wife was so grumpy,

but I found it hilarious.

Dog bless America.

The Galapagos Islands,

home to a breathtaking range of living organisms...

Ahem! >

..none of which I am going to eat.

Just look at this delicious...

..well, not delicious, beautiful.

Come on, Charlie, you can do this.

This iguana is part of a varied buffet of nature,

that stretches out as far as the eye can eat...see!

This dessert land...desert landscape

supports a vast menu of magnificent wildlife,

each one yummier than the last.

Oh, my word! A baby giraffe!

Where? Where?

CRUNCHING

Oh, not again! Oh, Charles!

Oh, look, the iguana ran away.

How many iguanas have we got left? Um...

Three and a half!

Tastes just like mountain lion.

And the winner of the Best Pet Award is...

..the Roman eels!

APPLAUSE

GROWLING

Yeah, all right. Settle down, Simba. Nobody likes a bad loser.

SNARLING

Er, moving swiftly on.

Whilst some animals are pets,

others have been used in battle during times of war.

And so it gives me great fear,

I mean, great pleasure

to present the Best Animal For War Award,

and here's the first nominee.

Tomorrow we fight Alexander,

the greatest general that ever lived.

On the eve of a crucial battle with Alexander the Great,

King Porus is hoping to use animals to get the upper hand

in a surprise attack.

So he's invited Sophie and Sebastian to come up with some ideas

about which animals to use.

It is hot out there!

I am sweating through my free-range chiton.

OK, so, look. We're just going to throw some ideas out there

and see what sticks. First up...

..elephants. I know, right?

Crazy, right? But bear with.

Who wants to fight against elephants?

The enemy horses will freak.

Neigh-neigh!

We already have elephants.

Genuinely?

R-E-S-P-E-C-T to that, man.

Find out what it means to me?

♪ R-E-S-P-E-C-T

♪ Take care, TBC # Sock it to me, sock it to me

♪ Sock it to me, sock it to me... # I love music!

♪ Sock it to me, sock it to me... # No.

OK, well, this next idea is like a slam dunk.

Love baseball.

Sea-horse chariots. OK, this is actual size.

Meeting adjourned, job done. Let's play board games. Old school.

Wouldn't the Greeks just tread on them?

Fair enough. I'll tell you what they won't tread on.

Cat-alvary.

Boas and arrows.

Yeah, this isn't working, is it?

You know, I've been thinking... What?!

Why don't we just attach swords and poison

to the end of the elephant tusks? Why, though?

It's, like, an elephant tusk. Like, who cares if it's got poison

or pancakes on the tip? You're still kebabed.

No, no, no. I like it.

We will attach swords and poison to our war elephants.

Job done! Now let us celebrate by playing board games.

You have board games too?

Just because we're ancient doesn't mean we're not hip.

You feel me?

Totally. Brother.

Welcome to HH TV News, where a bitter war has broken out

in Australia in 1932.

We go now to our war reporter, Katie Woe,

who is on the front line.

I've just arrived, and the atmosphere is tense.

Countless lives are at stake, as the Australian Army

faces a bitter conflict with a ruthless enemy.

OK, they're not ruthless. Just...

A whole nation is holding its breath

as this terrible conflict continues to escalate.

So, tell me, who are the enemy?

Emus.

That's right, the Australian Army face the mighty...

Sorry, it sounded like you said emus.

Yup.

What? The...

The big, shaggy birds that look like ostriches?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right, so, er...you have guns and vehicles,

and they have, what? Wings?

Wings, yes, and weird, orange, buggy sort of eyes.

It's like being stared at by a satsuma.

They are destroying valuable crops,

and the government had to call us in. Right.

I guess, though, it would be a real feather in your cap

if you won, though, right? It's not funny!

Sorry, I didn't mean to ruffle your feathers.

OK, laugh all you want, we have got them beaten.

We've attached a machine gun to one of the Army trucks,

and their days are numbered.

Sir!

The emus are outrunning the truck!

Oh, COME ON!

They're only emus! How are we losing this?

It doesn't make any sense!

It's not just emus, sir, they've got allies.

They've got allies? Oh, OK!

Right. So who are they?

What, outlaws, mercenaries, animal lovers?

Bunnies, sir!

They've got cute little bunny rabbits everywhere.

Ah! They're everywhere!

Ah!

You've got to be KIDDING me.

Let's just hope that the koalas and kangaroos stay neutral.

This is Katie Woe in Australia,

winging it. I... Stop that...

You've done the winging one before. OK. That's old material.

Well, let's BEAK careful, OK?

That's... Good.

So animals have been used as weapons in times of war,

and they've also been the enemy.

But did you know that one type of animal

was very nearly the cause of a nuclear war?

I know it sounds fishy, but there's a good reason for that.

STEADY BEEPING

Forward ahead. Six knots. Aye, aye, Captain.

FAST BEEPING Captain, picking up something huge

on the sonar. Multiple signals.

Must be the Russians. They're closing in fast.

Battle stations! LOUD KLAXON

Confirm that signal.

And call Nato command. Patching you through now, sir.

Nato command, this is a code 576.

We have a Russian attack in progress on a massive scale.

LOUD FARTING

It wasn't me.

This is an act of war!

FARTING CONTINUES

Are the Russians...farting?

FARTING CONTINUES

Oh, no, it's not an attack, it's...

Suggest launching global missile strikes against Russia!

Captain, there's something I need to tell you.

Be quiet, I've got Nato command on the phone here, this is important.

No, no, this is not an attack signal, it... Silence!

Yes, I'm sure.

Yeah, millions may die, but...

Hang on... What?

FARTING

Lieutenant, I know this is frightening,

but, please, control your bowels.

It's not a Russian attack, sir!

It's fish farting!

Fish farting?

Farting fish.

You're right.

Baltic dwarf herring, if I'm not mistaken.

That's why he's the captain.

Seems to be a false alarm.

It was fish...

..farting.

Well, there's no need to shout.

Hello?

OK. Downer.

We've just heard that King Porus has elephants,

and he's planning to tip their tusks with, like, swords and poison.

I mean, how do they come up with this stuff?

Worried about his enemy's battle plan,

Alexander the Great has called in some ideas people

that just happened to be in the neighbourhood.

Yah, um, we'd rather not say why we are in the neighbourhood.

King Porus says hi.

First up, elephants are terrified of pigs and fire.

So... Two words.

Fire pigs.

Well, I say we go with that. Oink.

Really? Yeah.

Back of the net!

I'll get the chess.

Oink!

No, no, no. I've just had lunch. I'm not even hungry.

Couldn't eat it if I wanted to.

Which I...I don't.

The Galapagos Islands.

Home to this giant tortoise.

Now, as you can see,

he's a shy fellow.

He doesn't want to come out today,

and who can blame him?

For this magnificent species

is under threat from a new predator.

Humans.

For many people, this animal is a delicacy.

But not me.

Oh, Charles! Really?

Well, if they don't want to get eaten,

they should learn to walk a bit quicker.

Tummy teases.

And the Best Animal For War Award goes to...

..the Baltic dwarf herring!

I mean, anyone who nearly starts a nuclear apocalypse

with an air torpedo deserves a trophy in my book!

HE FARTS

Cor! I bet they picked that one up on sonar.

But now, as we open a few windows,

it's time to honour those animals

who've been woefully misrepresented in history.

And this year's Special Award goes to the medieval artists

who didn't let the fact that they'd never seen an animal

stop them from painting it.

It's fair to say the results were mixed.

It'd be even fairer to say they're rubbish.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this auction

of historical animal art.

Our first item is this medieval picture of a crocodile,

drawn in the early 13th century.

Er, Miles, I believe that's a picture of a monkey lion squirrel.

Can we get the right one, please? Ahem, this, um...

This actually is the one.

Apparently, the artist had never seen a crocodile.

OK, why did he draw it, then?

I don't know. LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Well, what am I bid for this majestic monk-quir-dile?

Bids start at £35...

Next up, we have this medieval picture

of a... I want to say...

..a deer attacking a man.

Ahem. It's actually, um, it's...

It's a crocodile again.

Oh, OK...

It's going to be a long day.

Giant blue fish demon.

Dolphin. Really?

An...eagle?

Er, a...a falcon!

Two pointy owls!

One... No, I'm going with two pointy owls.

Ostrich. How is that an ostrich?

I don't know, I panicked.

Er, an armoured sparrow. Cold.

Fish bird. Cold.

Battle badger! Warmer.

It's a turtle.

Obviously a turtle.

No! Yeah, forget it.

A giant, brown water-ball-bird.

I have no idea!

Yeah, I don't know that one, either.

Who will open the bids at...?

I mean, I don't care at this point.

And so to the award we've all been waiting for.

The most useful thing we get from animals.

Or, as it's known for short, the Tmutwgfa.

And the first nominee.

Without cow's milk, the whole development of humankind

might have been very different.

There was a time, thousands of years ago,

when drinking cow's milk made everybody ill.

Luckily, for some people, that didn't last.

Honestly, though, I don't know what all the fuss is about.

Rat's milk is just as nice,

although you do need about 500 rats for a bowl of cereal, yeah.

And it can be a little bit sharp.

Are you filming? Yeah. OK.

Yo, what up, what up, Spewtube!

I'm Star! I'm Moon!

I'm River!

And today we're going to be doing the...

Oh! Ew! It's going to be disgusting!

♪ Cow's milk, cow's milk! ♪

He's going to drink a bowl. Of cow's milk!

Yeah, now, I really don't want to do this,

cos this stuff plays havoc with our digestive systems.

There is not a human being alive who can drink cow's milk

without puking, pooing and parping.

Oh, I'm going to spew everywhere.

Yeah, I know, right?

Let's get ready for Chundergeddon!

OK, River, you're up.

Go. Oh, no, I don't want to do it. No, no, no. I don't want to do it.

Go! Drink up! I don't want to do it, I don't want to do it.

I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it! Oh, ooh! Ah!

HE PUKES

Oh!

Oh, I don't even think I've got it all out.

FARTING

Oh, that's going to go right through me.

♪ It's coming out of both ends Ooh, ooh! ♪

Oh...no, I can do it. Go on, go on, go on.

Oh! Oh! Are you doing it? You doing it?

It's actually quite nice.

Really?

Tastes quite creamy and refreshing.

Let me try it, let me try it, OK.

Go on, do it, do it. Do it! Oh! Oh!

SHE PUKES

Oh, gross!

What did I miss, mate? Wait, no, no, don't do that...!

You know what would go well with this? Rice. Huh?

Puffed rice.

Dad, what are you doing? Hey!

It's my daughter, Summer!

Summer, Daddy's drinking some cow's milk.

I'll try some.

No, no, no. No, wait!

Yeah, yeah?

That's quite tasty. Yeah.

That would be good with some puffed rice. That's exactly what I said!

It's like some families can drink cow's milk

and like some families can't. Yeah, yeah.

Do you realise what this means? What?

Cows just became, like, really useful.

So what we've learned here today is that me and Summer are awesome.

If you agree, then give us a thumbs up, like,

and subscribe to our channel...

And tune in for our next video...

Oh, cheers!

That's good, good.

Oh, boo-boo, look!

It's perfect! This is the one.

It is beautiful, isn't it, sugarplum?

Almost as glorious as you. Oh...

Congratulations, sir!

Or should I say commiserations?

I'm afraid your beautiful companion has excellent but expensive taste.

Here, have a complimentary drink while you browse.

Thank you.

Mm, this exquisite stunning sterling silver band

is set with a highly polished, dome-shaped coprolite.

Oh, boo-boo, sounds so fancy!

Well, only the best for my delicate flower.

Allow me.

It's almost as beautiful as you.

Mwa! Oh...

Coprolite sounds very exotic. What is it, a type of diamond?

Oh, close, it's dinosaur poo.

Sorry, did you just say...?

Dinosaur poo, madam.

Faeces, dung, pooh-pooh, doodoo, if you will.

Fossilised prehistoric droppings,

cut to shape and highly polished. All the rage.

And how much is it?

£30 and nine shillings.

And six pence.

This coprolite is expensive business.

That's certainly one way of putting it, sir.

I mean, you've literally polished a turd.

Is there anything...?

Cheaper? Well... Sir, yes.

But I should tell you, it is the age that gives it its value.

Our cheaper coprolite range

is naturally more recent, fresher...

FLIES BUZZ

..if you catch my drift.

Oh, boo-boo, they're so now!

I love you.

And I love poo. I mean you. I love you.

Kissy, kissy? Oh...

Um... Kissy, kissy.

Maybe I'll just blow on it.

Oh, look, the bus!

OK, so cow's milk helped develop

some of the world's greatest civilisations,

but a ring made of polished poo? It's a no-brainer!

Yes, dinosaur poo wins the award for the most useful thing

we get from animals.

I'm afraid the dinosaurs

couldn't be here tonight to pick up their award,

so I've been asked to collect it for them.

I just wish I'd known, I would've prepared a speech.

Ahem.

Thank you all for this prestigious award,

and although I am the winner,

and by implication, the best animal ever,

in a way, this award is for every animal,

because throughout history, animals have helped,

provided for and even fought alongside humankind.

And frankly, I...I don't know what they'd've done without us.

I just hope that they're...

I hope that they are grateful,

and I said I wouldn't cry...

HE SOBS

HE BLOWS HIS NOSE

OK, hey, animals?

♪ It's thanks to you we ended up here

♪ The wolf joined our pack and things started to change

♪ Fur for warmth, meat to eat Family safe

♪ So helpful! How did we cope before this exchange?

♪ Homes were built and crops matured

♪ We kept warm and cooked food

♪ Thanks to manure!

♪ Milk and cheese Yoghurt, too

♪ Leather shoes!

♪ So thank you for that wonderful poo

♪ What can we say except we're so grateful

♪ For the poo and the food and the fur?

♪ What can we say except we're so thankful

♪ For the woofs, moos, neighs and the purrs?

♪ Who protects us?

♪ Keeps mice off the rye?

♪ Dogs and cats prowling by

♪ Yeah, those guys

♪ When we need warmth and love

♪ A friend who'll always be there

♪ That's what my cat does... ♪

Meow! Ouch!

♪ Also, you make a house a home

♪ We're grateful

♪ I make a spoon out of your bone

♪ Pigs and sheep, hens and goats

♪ Joined the crew

♪ We couldn't live like this without you

♪ What can we say except we're so grateful

♪ For how you've helped humanity?

♪ I hope it's OK if I say we're thankful

♪ From the whale to the tiniest bee

♪ We're grateful We're grateful

♪ Well, when you think of it

♪ It's no wonder we worship you

♪ Look at the wins You've helped us humans to

♪ Your fur, your skin, your wool

♪ Stopped our bodies from getting too cool

♪ We tamed the donkey, tamed the ox

♪ Now we can move forward on these magical rocks

♪ We bred the horses For speed and gallantry

♪ Now when there's war We can call in the cavalry

♪ In lands where we couldn't survive Domestication helped us to thrive

♪ Look where we are now Thanks to pig, horse and cow

♪ You keep me alive Let me give you five!

♪ What can we say except we're so grateful

♪ For the help and the food in my pot?

♪ It's even OK you gave us influenza

♪ Not so keen on measles and smallpox

♪ But we're thankful

♪ We're thankful. ♪

BIRD COOS Was that a coo?

Our more re... No, sorry...

LAUGHTER

One more time.

Our cheaper coprolite range...

It is the aim. Cheap...

LAUGHTER

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Hope you enjoyed

♪ Horrible Histories. ♪