Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians, slimy Stuarts

♪ Vile Victorians, woeful wars, ferocious fights

♪ Dingy castles, daring knights

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

♪ Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

♪ Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

♪ Gory stories, we do that

♪ And your host, a talking rat

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to...

♪ Horrible Histories. ♪

Horrible Histories presents...

Hello, Queen Victoria here - Vicki to my friends.

So, Queen Victoria to the likes of you.

I may be Queen, but I'm just an average mother,

with lots of castles and nine children.

I know what it is to have an ordinary family.

Sometimes you love them, sometimes you bicker,

and sometimes you relentlessly interfere with their lives

as you marry them off to European royalty.

We've all been there.

Am I right? Of course I am.

I'm the Queen.

A date with a prince is a dream for many people.

But a date with a prince and his mother can be the stuff

of nightmares.

Queen Victoria is looking to marry off her nine children.

Her fourth son, Prince Alfred, is currently being put

in the shop window.

Is there a special lady in my life right now?

Not really. Ahem!

Apart from my mum, Queen Victoria, who insists on meeting all my dates.

I'm just like any other mum.

I want my little Alfred to meet a nice girl,

settle down, and dominate European royalty for the next 100 years.

Mum, you are going to back off this time, OK?

Fine. Thank you.

I hope she's got nice ankles. Phwoar!

Sorry.

Prince Alfred's date is Maria Alexandrova,

Grand Duchess of Russia.

Will Queen Victoria approve?

My parents are all like, when are you going to get married?

I know, mine are the same, and I'm like, chill out.

I haven't even moved into my own castle yet,

and this much I want to do, you know?

Travel, date a commoner... Mum?

BAD FRENCH ACCENT: Oh, no, I am just a typical French waiter,

with a typical French accent. And a totally convincing moustache.

I'm so sorry. Sit up straight.

Do I think my mum interferes too much in my love life?

No, he doesn't. No, I don't, no.

Good boy. I do. Oh, zip it, Mary.

It's Maria. Whatever.

Obviously, the mum situation is super weird,

but he's going to be like an actual Duke of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha,

so ka-ching. Actually, I like her. She's direct.

It's a yes for me. Don't I get a say in any of us? No. No.

Oh, OK, sorry.

Imagine having an overbearing mum like that.

Well, I don't have to imagine, because my mum's come to stay.

Ratty Ratikins...

Oh come here, give your Mumsie a big kissy wissy.

Oh, Mum, I'm working.

Oh, thank goodness.

I thought you were doing that silly history programme.

So what are you working on?

That silly history programme.

Awks! Be over here.

Honestly, parents are the worst.

But, frankly, if you think my mum and Queen Victoria are bad,

well, you should check out Mozart's dad.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Is that him?

No, no, that's Leopold Mozart. He's the father.

But just wait, the kid is amazing.

Yeah?

Allow me to introduce one of the finest musicians of our time,

my eldest child, Maria Anna Mozart.

Quiet, please.

Quiet, please!

For my daughter's final public performance...

My what performance?

Your final performance, you turn 18 tomorrow,

so obviously you'll have to stop, duh. He's right.

I mean, great to see a young girl with talent,

but a grown woman with talent, I mean that's just weird.

Tomorrow you must go home, get married, and then start a family

of your own. Who knows, maybe one day you will be standing up here

with your own daughter, squashing her dreams.

I don't know what's worse.

Not playing the piano, or us all going back to Salzburg.

Oh, don't be silly. It's just you going back.

I'm staying here with little Wolfie.

Hello! Aw. The brother, Wolfgang.

What a cutie!

But all he talks about is de bums.

BLOWS RASPBERRY

This is so unfair!

Away with your bums.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce my son,

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.

Bravo!

Woo!

♪ My sister Maria, she's got diarrhoea

♪ She did a pfft in bed, and got poo on her head... ♪

Ah!

Ow!

Bravo! They do music, and comedy!

See, that is a double threat.

BLOWS RASPBERRY

Another of Queen Victoria's children is hoping to find her royal match.

I'm looking for someone strong and handsome,

noble, someone who will show me the world, someone whose face looks

good on a stamp.

Face looks good on a stamp.

No-one cares what you think, Louise, I'm choosing the husbands.

Right. Let's get this done. Ugh.

Princess Louise's date, arranged by her mother,

is the Marquess of Lorne.

Oh, well... You seem surprisingly all right, actually.

HIGH PITCHED: Yes, there's nothing unusual about me.

Apart from your voice. Cricket ball.

Fine. Hello. I'm Louise.

I know, I'm psychic. Oh?

Yes, I can also tell that you are a princess,

and that your mother is a Queen.

Does the name Victoria mean anything to you?

Well, presumably it helps that she's sitting right over there.

Hello... Mummy, no!

So I, I didn't get your name. John.

Well, John, it's very nice... George.

OK, well, George, it's very... Edward. Edward.

Henry. Are you finished? Douglas Sutherland Campbell.

OK. But I like to be called Ian. Of course you do.

Oh, I'm getting,

I'm getting a vision, of me telling him to get lost.

Yeah, well I'm having a vision that nobody cares what you think,

because I'm the Queen! Ha!

I wonder whose is going to come true.

I, I once had a vision that one day the Prime Minister will send me

far, far away. Hard to imagine why.

Get in there, darling.

Go on.

No, no, no, no, mummy, no.

So would you like to see each other again?

Ah, well, he stinks, he's got a voice that can peel

paint, he's got more first names than a whole football team put

together, and did I mention he thinks he psychic?

But if it gets me out of Mum's house, then I will marry anyone.

I knew she was going to say that. No, you didn't.

Salutations, I'm Queen Gorgo, wife to King Leonidas of Sparta.

We Spartan women are famously tough on our kids.

When one mother saw her son returned from war defeated,

and without his shield, what did she do?

Did she...

The answer is B, she got angry and killed him.

Failure is not acceptable.

In fact, I hope you got this quiz question right,

or else I will have to restore pride to the Spartan name.

Oh, you are not Spartans - I'll let you off.

Just this once.

Whoa!

Queen Gorgo makes my mum look like a hairy godmother.

That's the rat version of the fairy godmother.

Rattus!

Your dirty pants are on the floor.

Why can't you be more like your sister?

Soldier on.

Vermintrude, my perfect sister with her perfect job.

She rifles through bins outside a cake shop.

I suppose all families have sibling rivalries,

even royal families.

I mean, imagine what it was like for Prince Edward,

Princess Mary, and Princess Elizabeth,

just because they all have the same dad, King Henry VIII,

doesn't mean that they all got on.

Lift it up. Lift it. Can't I go outside and play?

No, you are not King Edward VI yet, you have to do it big

sisters tell you. Oh, but I don't want to.

Do you want us to dress you up again?

No... There we are.

Elizabeth? Can I borrow this ring? No. Sorry, Mary, that was my mum's.

It's actually a Boleyn heirloom. Forget it, then.

What's wrong with it? Your mum was a witch.

No, she wasn't. Yes, she was.

She could count all of dad's six wives on one hand,

and she used the extra finger to bewitch Daddy.

Your mum is your auntie. Shut up! She was!

Before she married daddy, Catherine of Aragon was married

to his brother, Arthur.

Your mum married her sister's boyfriend.

Well, your mum wore a hairy shirt.

Only because your mum married her husband.

Your mum's a concubine!

Your dad was so head over heels in love with my mum

that he divorced your mum, and the Pope, so he could marry her.

He was head over heels with your mum until he had her head chopped off.

Then she was heels over head.

I get it, because her head was on the floor! Chopped off.

That's my mum you're talking about.

I'm sorry, sis. I was only messing.

Dad can be such an idiot. I really hate him sometimes. Um...

Uh.. Treason!

No, that is not treason. Daddy!

Mary's doing a treason! Shut up! I didn't do a treason!

You did... Kids! Don't make me come up there.

Of course, all siblings bicker, but they are also there

for each other when they are in need.

Even when they're older.

Yes, you can always ask a brother or sister for help.

Mind you, the actual help you get may not be quite as helpful

as you were hoping.

That's something Paulina, the youngest sister of the writer

Samuel Pepys, found out the hard way.

Thank you so much for letting me stay with you and your wife,

Elizabeth, until I find a husband, Samuel.

Well, my pleasure, dear sister. You will have to help

around the house, of course.

Oh, yes, of course, I don't mind helping out at all.

As a chambermaid.

Oh... Right.

As an emptying the chamber pots full of...

HE BREAKS WIND Yes.

We can't be seen to be giving you special treatment over the other

servants, now, can we? So you will have to start at the bottom.

So to speak.

Oh, great fire of London! That was a big one.

Might want to give it a while.

Paulina!

Stand when Elizabeth enters the room, please!

But she's my sister-in-law. She is your mistress.

Bad servant!

I'll fetch your chamber pot for cleaning.

All right, fine... I will be your servant.

Happy to help, and totally fine with that.

Seriously, how bad can it be?

Big one, that is a big one. Yeah...

Cut down her portion sizes a bit, yeah?

Paulina Pepys! What are you doing? Sitting down for lunch.

Servants do not sit at the table and eat with the masters of the house!

Just because you are my sister, I cannot have the other servants

thinking that we are treating you better.

I don't think there's very much chance of that ever

since you made me Paulina poo-poo bucket.

Go and check the chamber pots again. What? Already?

What's wrong with you?

I.. Shut it.

I have just learned that the position of Elizabeth's

waiting woman came up, and you've promoted someone else

to the non-poo based position over me.

Yes, well you hardly covered yourself in glory as a chambermaid,

Paulina. Do you want a sniff of what I have covered myself in,

Samuel? Every day since I've been here?

I am your sister.

Always with the excuses with you. I am your sister...

I put my back out lifting that pot.

All the servants are saying that you married a poo factory.

You are just jealous, because I'm married, and you're not.

And you are lazy, and you're fired. Good.

I will leave some money in your dowry, so you don't paint

me as a complete monster. One of your wife's poos?

And you, want to see a doctor, mate? They are meant to be brown.

Really? Technically...

Some search their whole life and do not find true love.

Some find it on their first date.

Others are presented with it by their mother,

the Queen, and told to like it or lump it.

Queen Victoria has lovingly forced Prince Arthur on his first date.

I'm like every other young single Prince,

I just want to fall in love.

But you can, darling. Just don't let the newspapers find out.

First we need to find you a marriage that helps us dominate

Eastern Europe.

Prince Arthur's date is Princess Louise of Prussia.

So great to chat to a real woman, without having my mother breathing

down my neck. Between you and I... Sir?

Here you are, your dinner. Ah! Nope.

Sorry about that. I'll take it back to the kitchen.

And step on it. Sorry, it's not you, it's not me either.

It's her.

So do you want to see each other again?

Yes, I do!

See, I'm not just some powerless wimp unable to stand

up to his mother's political manoeuvrings. Am I?

Of course not, darling.

I wanted you to marry her too.

Stop it, it tickles.

42 grandkids?

My mum's got nearly 10,000 - that's probably why she never got

around to marrying me off. I tried, no-one would have you.

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.

Mums like mine have been getting involved with their kids' lives

throughout history.

Take Alexander the Great's mum. She certainly looked out for him,

and everyone else had to watch out for her.

♪ Fall in love

♪ Hold me close

♪ Fall in love

♪ Hold me close

♪ In the moment. ♪

Oh hey, Olympia. Eurydice...

OMZ - for Zeus.

Your daughter's wedding, you must be so proud.

I am, darling. My husband, Philip, is very excited.

Oh, my husband Philip's really excited too.

While he would be, darling, because it's the same husband.

His other five wives are all here too, it's so amazing.

Hi, wives. Hi.

Mum!

Alexander, darling, how are you?

I'm great. But I've got some really bad news, actually.

Yeah? Basically it's like dad, the king,

he's been, like, murdered and stuff.

My Philip? My Philip? My Philip? My Philip? My Philip? My Philip?

My Philip? Yeah, he was on his way to the wedding or something,

and then one of his bodyguards, like, totally murdered him,

and I was just like, what?

I have always said that Pausanias is a villain.

Yeah. Wait how did you know it was Pausanias?

What? Was it Pausanias?

Well that's quite convenient for you, Olympia.

What did you say, Eurydice?

I mean that just means that your son, Alexander,

gets to be the king now. Oh, yeah, he does...

He's going to be the most powerful man in the kingdom,

and no-one can tell him what to do. Gosh, I didn't even think...

Be quiet, Alexander. Yes, Mummy.

Are you saying I arranged to have my own husband killed,

Eurydice? He was my husband too.

And also I got a scroll from someone, I'm not going to say

who, that said that you sleep in a bed with snakes.

That's a lie!

I don't even know how you could say that.

Mum!

I've just heard, Eurydice, who you threw that drink over,

I mean, she's, like, dead.

Well, it has nothing to do with me, if that's what you're thinking.

Why would I have Eurydice and her children killed?

I didn't know her children were killed too.

Oh, yeah, neither did I. I'm just guessing.

Wow...

Us Vikings often had to go away on business.

Raiding his hard work, but someone needs to do it.

Those monasteries won't pillage themselves.

It was tough on our wives and families being left for months,

or even years, while we were away.

I don't know how they managed, but they did.

Honey, I'm home!

What are you doing?

Freya! It's me, Ulrich!

Back from raiding.

Your husband?

Oh, I'm so sorry, I thought you were a Swede.

I really hate the Swedes! I know, right?

They are just... Ow!

Sorry. Must've been thinking about the Swedes again.

Yeah, you must've. Anyway...

Been gone for ten months, what have you and the girls

been up to? Oh, nothing really.

Well, I...

Apart from harvesting the rye.

OK, cool. Well, back in England... And we built a new barn.

OK... And I brewed this new ale.

Right.

And then we sheared the sheep, and then we ploughed,

and then we sowed, and then we were raided

by the Swedes, but we fought them off. Oh...

Our Astrid killed two.

But then she got in a sulk, because I only let her keep one

of the heads. Ooh.. That's who that is. Yup!

But apart from that, it's all been pretty quiet, really.

Me, me, ask about me... I'm so sorry, what about you!

What did you pillage? Oh, well...

Ta-da!

Oh, go on, then, give us a twirl. Oh, OK.

Ooh..

Very nice. Yeah?

And I was thinking this bro...

You're not looking.

This brooch goes really nicely with this necklace.

Maybe just with this bracelet. Choices.

Yup, or we could trade it all for some cattle.

Oh, no, can't I just keep this one necklace,

I really think it brings out my eyes. OK.

But we do need to find something to trade for cattle,

so what have I got around here that's been of absolutely no use

to me for the past ten months?

Maybe we could trade it all for cattle.

There's a good boy.

Greetings, I am Queen Victoria.

Ruler of Britain and its vast empire.

I was also Empress of India, though I never actually went there.

Instead I had Indian servants come over to live in my palace,

but what did my favourite servant, Abdul Kareem, do to help me

understand his culture better?

Did he...

And the answer is A, B, and C.

He was like family to me.

Yes, lovely Abdul became my secretary,

and taught me Indian languages, made me a big fan of curry,

and helped me understand religion and politics in India.

I guess you could say he impressed this Empress by currying my favour.

No? All right. Took me all week to think of that joke.

You all right, Mum?

Oh, yes, dear.

I'm just looking at these old photos of our family holiday

to that rubbish dump in Spain.

Oh, there's nothing like the taste of three-month-old prawns, eh?

There's your sister hitting your dad because he was snoring.

Oh, and there's everyone throwing up on the ferry.

My fur's still a bit sticky.

Well, at least you are allowed to go on our outings.

That wasn't always the case for mums.

Single for the stands. Enjoy.

Olympic tickets here, get your... Oh, visiting from Sparta, are we?

Yeah, we thought we would come and see what the Olympics

were about. Two adults and two children, please.

I should let you know that this is a men's athletic

event, so there is quite a lot of nudity.

So the men compete naked? Mmm...

So, needless to say, it's not really suitable for family viewing.

Oh, sorry, kids.

Oh, no, no, no, the kids are fine, it's you that can't come in, Missus.

Me? Why not?

Well, married women are not allowed to watch the festival of Zeus.

She has seen a man in the nude.

I've seen a few. What?

No look, sorry, but it is strictly forbidden. Aww.

Look, I'm not supposed to tell you this,

but some of the married ladies have got in using...

Oh... Does it work?

Yeah, most of the time.

Of course, if you do get caught, there is a slight chance

they will throw you off the cliffs at Mount Trypeum.

OK, are there any events that I can see that don't involve me

being thrown off a cliff?

There are the games of Hera, that's an all-female event.

Oh, so are they naked as well?

No, of course not, they're dressed as men.

So, what's it to be?

The games of Hera, or the festival of Zeus and the old...

Which involves the risk of me being thrown off

a cliff, so... Is it a big cliff? Right.

Are widows of men who have died

in tragic throttled-by-false-beard accidents allowed in?

Ah! Think of the children!

It's so unfair...

Hello, sir. One adult, please.

Enjoy. Wait, mate, mate, mate!

Just the athletes are supposed to be naked, not the crowd!

Hey, tiny Puritans!

Put down your Bibles, it's time for the family outing!

So, pick your Bibles back up again, and come on down to Puritown.

The Puritan adventure playground, putting the fun in fundamentally

respecting the word of God.

Activities include standing still near a tree.

Standing still less near a tree.

And, of course, playing with your friends.

No, no, sorry, that's a typo.

PRAYING with your friends.

Praying!

But there's more!

Why not get super silly in the pretend zone?

Featuring pretend yarn spinning and pretend clothes washing.

And this year's new attraction, pretend knitting!

I hope you're not planning on pretending to wear that

when you go out.

So, come on down to Puritown.

Where he who is without sin may play for up to half an hour a day.

Ugh, talk about a tough upbringing.

Makes me realise just how lucky I am.

Oh, you are a lovely son.

That's all right, Mum.

No matter how annoying your family are, no matter how funny they smell,

no matter how sticky their fur...

Harsh, but fair.

No matter how long they overstay their welcome,

they're family. Oh, you are a dear!

Oh, come on.

And even a tough upbringing can inspire greatness!

This great literary family had it so tough,

three of them had to hide the fact that they were women.

♪ Our family suffered tragedy when our mum and sisters died

♪ But intellectual curiosity saw us two go worldwide

♪ We travelled and learned languages

♪ We came back home to teach

♪ But no-one came, our school closed down

♪ We needed a Plan B

♪ I was secretly writing poetry

♪ And Emily was too

♪ And so was I, but we were told, it's not what women do

♪ Charlotte, Anne, and Emily, we're a writing family

♪ Hey, girls, not forgetting me

♪ Bronte sisterhood

♪ We pretend we're men

♪ As Acton, Currer, Ellis Bell we publish

♪ But I'm a man, and I write too

♪ That's true, but your stuff's rubbish

♪ Anne wrote about a governess

♪ I stole her plot... ♪

Not fair!

♪ My governess was Agnes Grey

♪ But more knew mine, Jane Eyre

♪ My Heathcliff hit the Wuthering Heights

♪ Who's best? Our rows are grim... ♪

Oh, look, I've got some poems out.

♪ Agreed, that it's not him!

♪ Charlotte, Anne, and Emily, we're the Bronte family

♪ Got all my sisters... ♪

And me!

♪ Whoa-oh-oh

♪ Charlotte, Anne, and Emily

♪ Writing sisters, one, two, three... ♪

Hello? Can anybody actually hear me?

♪ Bronte sisterhood. ♪

Your mum wore a hairy shirt. Only because her sister...

Because she married, like...

THEY GIGGLE

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. ♪