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♪ Terrible Tudors, gorgeous
Georgians, slimy Stuarts
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♪ Vile Victorians, woeful wars,
ferocious fights
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00:00:06,360 --> 00:00:08,000
♪ Dingy castles, daring knights
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00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:10,680
♪ Horrors that defy description
Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
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00:00:10,680 --> 00:00:13,200
♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes
Punishment from ancient times
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00:00:13,200 --> 00:00:14,560
♪ Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless
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00:00:14,560 --> 00:00:16,080
♪ Cavemen, savage, fierce
and toothless
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00:00:16,080 --> 00:00:18,240
♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages
Mean and measly Middle Ages
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00:00:18,240 --> 00:00:20,960
♪ Gory stories, we do that
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00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:23,280
♪ And your host, a talking rat
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♪ The past is no longer a mystery
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♪ Welcome to...
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♪ Horrible Histories. ♪
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Horrible Histories presents...
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Hello, Queen Victoria here -
Vicki to my friends.
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So, Queen Victoria
to the likes of you.
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00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:46,640
I may be Queen,
but I'm just an average mother,
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00:00:46,640 --> 00:00:49,680
with lots of castles
and nine children.
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00:00:49,680 --> 00:00:52,840
I know what it is to have
an ordinary family.
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Sometimes you love them,
sometimes you bicker,
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00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:58,600
and sometimes you relentlessly
interfere with their lives
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00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:00,680
as you marry them off
to European royalty.
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00:01:00,680 --> 00:01:01,720
We've all been there.
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00:01:01,720 --> 00:01:04,360
Am I right? Of course I am.
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00:01:04,360 --> 00:01:05,400
I'm the Queen.
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00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:12,080
A date with a prince
is a dream for many people.
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00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:15,800
But a date with a prince
and his mother can be the stuff
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00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:17,520
of nightmares.
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00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:20,640
Queen Victoria is looking to marry
off her nine children.
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Her fourth son, Prince Alfred,
is currently being put
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in the shop window.
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00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:27,000
Is there a special lady
in my life right now?
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Not really. Ahem!
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00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:33,880
Apart from my mum, Queen Victoria,
who insists on meeting all my dates.
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00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:36,040
I'm just like any other mum.
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00:01:36,040 --> 00:01:38,640
I want my little Alfred
to meet a nice girl,
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00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:42,400
settle down, and dominate European
royalty for the next 100 years.
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00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:44,600
Mum, you are going to back
off this time, OK?
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00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:46,520
Fine. Thank you.
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00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:48,880
I hope she's got nice ankles.
Phwoar!
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00:01:48,880 --> 00:01:50,280
Sorry.
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00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:53,200
Prince Alfred's date
is Maria Alexandrova,
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00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:55,000
Grand Duchess of Russia.
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Will Queen Victoria approve?
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00:01:56,800 --> 00:01:59,920
My parents are all like,
when are you going to get married?
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00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:03,520
I know, mine are the same,
and I'm like, chill out.
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00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:05,360
I haven't even moved
into my own castle yet,
48
00:02:05,360 --> 00:02:07,360
and this much I want
to do, you know?
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00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:09,440
Travel, date a commoner...
Mum?
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00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:14,400
BAD FRENCH ACCENT: Oh, no, I am
just a typical French waiter,
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with a typical French accent.
And a totally convincing moustache.
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I'm so sorry.
Sit up straight.
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00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:27,320
Do I think my mum interferes
too much in my love life?
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No, he doesn't.
No, I don't, no.
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00:02:30,560 --> 00:02:33,800
Good boy. I do.
Oh, zip it, Mary.
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00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:36,280
It's Maria. Whatever.
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00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:38,760
Obviously, the mum
situation is super weird,
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00:02:38,760 --> 00:02:43,560
but he's going to be like an actual
Duke of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha,
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00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:47,480
so ka-ching. Actually, I like her.
She's direct.
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00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:50,960
It's a yes for me. Don't I get a say
in any of us? No. No.
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00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:52,160
Oh, OK, sorry.
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00:02:56,560 --> 00:02:59,120
Imagine having an overbearing
mum like that.
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00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:03,200
Well, I don't have to imagine,
because my mum's come to stay.
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00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:04,760
Ratty Ratikins...
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00:03:04,760 --> 00:03:08,840
Oh come here, give your Mumsie
a big kissy wissy.
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00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:12,040
Oh, Mum, I'm working.
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00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:13,360
Oh, thank goodness.
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00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:16,080
I thought you were doing
that silly history programme.
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00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:17,720
So what are you working on?
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00:03:17,720 --> 00:03:19,480
That silly history programme.
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00:03:19,480 --> 00:03:21,960
Awks! Be over here.
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00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:23,800
Honestly, parents are the worst.
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00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:27,240
But, frankly, if you think my mum
and Queen Victoria are bad,
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00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:30,040
well, you should check
out Mozart's dad.
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00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:34,880
Ladies and gentlemen...
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00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:36,280
Is that him?
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00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:39,440
No, no, that's Leopold Mozart.
He's the father.
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00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:41,560
But just wait, the kid is amazing.
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00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:42,680
Yeah?
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00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:47,320
Allow me to introduce one
of the finest musicians of our time,
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00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:50,400
my eldest child, Maria Anna Mozart.
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00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:54,840
Quiet, please.
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00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:55,880
Quiet, please!
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00:03:57,400 --> 00:04:00,640
For my daughter's final
public performance...
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00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:03,600
My what performance?
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00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:06,000
Your final performance,
you turn 18 tomorrow,
87
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:09,880
so obviously you'll have to
stop, duh. He's right.
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00:04:09,880 --> 00:04:11,800
I mean, great to see
a young girl with talent,
89
00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:14,360
but a grown woman with talent,
I mean that's just weird.
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00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:17,960
Tomorrow you must go home,
get married, and then start a family
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00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:21,240
of your own. Who knows, maybe one
day you will be standing up here
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00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:24,440
with your own daughter,
squashing her dreams.
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00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:26,120
I don't know what's worse.
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00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:29,680
Not playing the piano,
or us all going back to Salzburg.
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00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:32,480
Oh, don't be silly.
It's just you going back.
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00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:35,240
I'm staying here with little Wolfie.
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00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:40,160
Hello! Aw. The brother, Wolfgang.
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00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:41,200
What a cutie!
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00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:43,320
But all he talks about is de bums.
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00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:44,880
BLOWS RASPBERRY
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This is so unfair!
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00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:48,040
Away with your bums.
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00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:51,440
Ladies and gentlemen,
may I introduce my son,
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00:04:51,440 --> 00:04:53,800
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
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00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:57,080
Bravo!
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00:04:58,040 --> 00:04:59,280
Woo!
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00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:08,600
♪ My sister Maria,
she's got diarrhoea
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00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:12,400
♪ She did a pfft in bed,
and got poo on her head... ♪
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00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:15,800
Ah!
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00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:18,960
Ow!
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00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:22,640
Bravo! They do music, and comedy!
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00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:26,040
See, that is a double threat.
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00:05:26,040 --> 00:05:27,320
BLOWS RASPBERRY
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00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:35,760
Another of Queen Victoria's children
is hoping to find her royal match.
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00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:40,560
I'm looking for someone
strong and handsome,
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00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:44,200
noble, someone who will show me
the world, someone whose face looks
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00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:45,600
good on a stamp.
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00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:47,600
Face looks good on a stamp.
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00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:51,160
No-one cares what you think, Louise,
I'm choosing the husbands.
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00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:54,360
Right. Let's get this done. Ugh.
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00:05:54,360 --> 00:05:57,120
Princess Louise's date,
arranged by her mother,
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00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:58,720
is the Marquess of Lorne.
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00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:01,400
Oh, well... You seem surprisingly
all right, actually.
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00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:04,800
HIGH PITCHED: Yes, there's
nothing unusual about me.
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00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:06,800
Apart from your voice.
Cricket ball.
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00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:09,240
Fine. Hello.
I'm Louise.
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00:06:09,240 --> 00:06:11,960
I know, I'm psychic. Oh?
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00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:14,840
Yes, I can also tell
that you are a princess,
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00:06:14,840 --> 00:06:18,840
and that your mother is a Queen.
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00:06:18,840 --> 00:06:21,920
Does the name Victoria
mean anything to you?
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00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:26,240
Well, presumably it helps
that she's sitting right over there.
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00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:29,520
Hello... Mummy, no!
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00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:31,560
So I, I didn't get your name.
John.
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00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:33,640
Well, John, it's very nice...
George.
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00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:36,280
OK, well, George, it's very...
Edward. Edward.
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00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:41,360
Henry. Are you finished?
Douglas Sutherland Campbell.
137
00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:46,040
OK. But I like to be called Ian.
Of course you do.
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00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:48,120
Oh, I'm getting,
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00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:50,600
I'm getting a vision,
of me telling him to get lost.
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00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:53,400
Yeah, well I'm having a vision
that nobody cares what you think,
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00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:54,680
because I'm the Queen! Ha!
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00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:57,240
I wonder whose is
going to come true.
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00:06:57,240 --> 00:07:02,800
I, I once had a vision that one day
the Prime Minister will send me
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00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:07,040
far, far away. Hard to imagine why.
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00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:10,160
Get in there, darling.
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00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:11,520
Go on.
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00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:13,360
No, no, no, no, mummy, no.
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00:07:13,360 --> 00:07:15,160
So would you like to see
each other again?
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00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:17,560
Ah, well, he stinks,
he's got a voice that can peel
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00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:20,320
paint, he's got more first names
than a whole football team put
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00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:23,800
together, and did I mention
he thinks he psychic?
152
00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:26,920
But if it gets me out of Mum's
house, then I will marry anyone.
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00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:30,080
I knew she was going to say that.
No, you didn't.
154
00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:40,960
Salutations, I'm Queen Gorgo,
wife to King Leonidas of Sparta.
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00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:44,600
We Spartan women are
famously tough on our kids.
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00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:48,280
When one mother saw her son
returned from war defeated,
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00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:50,720
and without his shield,
what did she do?
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00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:53,720
Did she...
159
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:05,840
The answer is B, she got
angry and killed him.
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00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:09,560
Failure is not acceptable.
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00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:12,280
In fact, I hope you got
this quiz question right,
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00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:15,840
or else I will have to restore pride
to the Spartan name.
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00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:19,200
Oh, you are not
Spartans - I'll let you off.
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00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:20,280
Just this once.
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00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:23,000
Whoa!
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00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:26,240
Queen Gorgo makes my mum look
like a hairy godmother.
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00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:29,000
That's the rat version
of the fairy godmother.
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00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:30,240
Rattus!
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00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:33,440
Your dirty pants are on the floor.
170
00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:36,280
Why can't you be more
like your sister?
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00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:38,080
Soldier on.
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00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:44,280
Vermintrude, my perfect sister
with her perfect job.
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00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:48,040
She rifles through bins
outside a cake shop.
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00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:51,120
I suppose all families
have sibling rivalries,
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00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:52,600
even royal families.
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00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:55,400
I mean, imagine what it was
like for Prince Edward,
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00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:58,200
Princess Mary,
and Princess Elizabeth,
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00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:01,760
just because they all have the same
dad, King Henry VIII,
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00:09:01,760 --> 00:09:03,680
doesn't mean that they all got on.
180
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:09,520
Lift it up. Lift it.
Can't I go outside and play?
181
00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:12,040
No, you are not King Edward VI yet,
you have to do it big
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00:09:12,040 --> 00:09:15,000
sisters tell you. Oh, but I don't
want to.
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00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:17,040
Do you want us
to dress you up again?
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00:09:17,040 --> 00:09:18,320
No... There we are.
185
00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:22,920
Elizabeth? Can I borrow this ring?
No. Sorry, Mary, that was my mum's.
186
00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:26,880
It's actually a Boleyn heirloom.
Forget it, then.
187
00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:29,600
What's wrong with it?
Your mum was a witch.
188
00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:33,240
No, she wasn't.
Yes, she was.
189
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:35,560
She could count all of dad's six
wives on one hand,
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00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:38,360
and she used the extra finger
to bewitch Daddy.
191
00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:41,960
Your mum is your auntie.
Shut up! She was!
192
00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:44,360
Before she married daddy,
Catherine of Aragon was married
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00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:45,760
to his brother, Arthur.
194
00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:47,800
Your mum married
her sister's boyfriend.
195
00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:49,240
Well, your mum wore a hairy shirt.
196
00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:51,240
Only because your mum
married her husband.
197
00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:52,720
Your mum's a concubine!
198
00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:55,000
Your dad was so head
over heels in love with my mum
199
00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:58,200
that he divorced your mum,
and the Pope, so he could marry her.
200
00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:01,200
He was head over heels with your mum
until he had her head chopped off.
201
00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:03,960
Then she was heels over head.
202
00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:08,800
I get it, because her head
was on the floor! Chopped off.
203
00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:10,960
That's my mum you're talking about.
204
00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:15,280
I'm sorry, sis.
I was only messing.
205
00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:20,080
Dad can be such an idiot. I really
hate him sometimes. Um...
206
00:10:21,560 --> 00:10:23,680
Uh.. Treason!
207
00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:27,120
No, that is not treason. Daddy!
208
00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:31,120
Mary's doing a treason!
Shut up! I didn't do a treason!
209
00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:35,320
You did... Kids!
Don't make me come up there.
210
00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:38,600
Of course, all siblings bicker,
but they are also there
211
00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:40,480
for each other when
they are in need.
212
00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:42,200
Even when they're older.
213
00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:45,760
Yes, you can always ask
a brother or sister for help.
214
00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:49,000
Mind you, the actual help you get
may not be quite as helpful
215
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:50,200
as you were hoping.
216
00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:53,200
That's something Paulina,
the youngest sister of the writer
217
00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:55,920
Samuel Pepys,
found out the hard way.
218
00:10:57,600 --> 00:11:00,600
Thank you so much for letting me
stay with you and your wife,
219
00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:03,040
Elizabeth, until I find
a husband, Samuel.
220
00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:07,160
Well, my pleasure, dear sister.
You will have to help
221
00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:08,320
around the house, of course.
222
00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:11,000
Oh, yes, of course,
I don't mind helping out at all.
223
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:12,200
As a chambermaid.
224
00:11:13,480 --> 00:11:15,080
Oh... Right.
225
00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:18,120
As an emptying the chamber
pots full of...
226
00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:19,960
HE BREAKS WIND
Yes.
227
00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:23,080
We can't be seen to be giving
you special treatment over the other
228
00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:27,920
servants, now, can we? So you will
have to start at the bottom.
229
00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:30,280
So to speak.
230
00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:32,120
Oh, great fire of London!
That was a big one.
231
00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:35,040
Might want to give it a while.
232
00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:37,240
Paulina!
233
00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:39,240
Stand when Elizabeth
enters the room, please!
234
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:43,400
But she's my sister-in-law.
She is your mistress.
235
00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:44,680
Bad servant!
236
00:11:44,680 --> 00:11:48,680
I'll fetch your chamber
pot for cleaning.
237
00:11:48,680 --> 00:11:52,360
All right, fine...
I will be your servant.
238
00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:55,840
Happy to help,
and totally fine with that.
239
00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:58,440
Seriously, how bad can it be?
240
00:12:00,360 --> 00:12:03,960
Big one, that is a big one.
Yeah...
241
00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:08,160
Cut down her portion
sizes a bit, yeah?
242
00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:16,080
Paulina Pepys! What are you doing?
Sitting down for lunch.
243
00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:21,080
Servants do not sit at the table and
eat with the masters of the house!
244
00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:24,400
Just because you are my sister,
I cannot have the other servants
245
00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:26,520
thinking that we are
treating you better.
246
00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:28,720
I don't think there's
very much chance of that ever
247
00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:31,280
since you made me
Paulina poo-poo bucket.
248
00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:36,480
Go and check the chamber pots
again. What? Already?
249
00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:38,120
What's wrong with you?
250
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:42,760
I.. Shut it.
251
00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:45,200
I have just learned
that the position of Elizabeth's
252
00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:48,200
waiting woman came up,
and you've promoted someone else
253
00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:50,960
to the non-poo based
position over me.
254
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:53,720
Yes, well you hardly covered
yourself in glory as a chambermaid,
255
00:12:53,720 --> 00:12:57,000
Paulina. Do you want a sniff
of what I have covered myself in,
256
00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:59,640
Samuel? Every day since I've
been here?
257
00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:01,400
I am your sister.
258
00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:04,520
Always with the excuses with you.
I am your sister...
259
00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:06,760
I put my back out lifting that pot.
260
00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:09,720
All the servants are saying
that you married a poo factory.
261
00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:12,480
You are just jealous, because I'm
married, and you're not.
262
00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:14,680
And you are lazy, and you're
fired. Good.
263
00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:17,320
I will leave some money
in your dowry, so you don't paint
264
00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:19,480
me as a complete monster.
One of your wife's poos?
265
00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:23,720
And you, want to see a doctor, mate?
They are meant to be brown.
266
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:26,400
Really? Technically...
267
00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:33,160
Some search their whole life
and do not find true love.
268
00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:35,120
Some find it on their first date.
269
00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:37,320
Others are presented
with it by their mother,
270
00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:40,000
the Queen, and told
to like it or lump it.
271
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:43,880
Queen Victoria has lovingly forced
Prince Arthur on his first date.
272
00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:48,200
I'm like every other
young single Prince,
273
00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:50,240
I just want to fall in love.
274
00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:54,520
But you can, darling. Just don't
let the newspapers find out.
275
00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:57,160
First we need to find you a marriage
that helps us dominate
276
00:13:57,160 --> 00:13:58,440
Eastern Europe.
277
00:13:58,440 --> 00:14:01,080
Prince Arthur's date
is Princess Louise of Prussia.
278
00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:03,920
So great to chat to a real woman,
without having my mother breathing
279
00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:06,240
down my neck. Between you and I...
Sir?
280
00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:09,480
Here you are, your dinner.
Ah! Nope.
281
00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:13,040
Sorry about that. I'll take it back
to the kitchen.
282
00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:15,240
And step on it. Sorry, it's not you,
it's not me either.
283
00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:16,720
It's her.
284
00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:19,240
So do you want to see
each other again?
285
00:14:19,240 --> 00:14:20,520
Yes, I do!
286
00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:24,600
See, I'm not just some powerless
wimp unable to stand
287
00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:28,000
up to his mother's political
manoeuvrings. Am I?
288
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:29,600
Of course not, darling.
289
00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:31,600
I wanted you to marry her too.
290
00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:33,200
Stop it, it tickles.
291
00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:02,560
42 grandkids?
292
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:07,600
My mum's got nearly 10,000 -
that's probably why she never got
293
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:11,040
around to marrying me off.
I tried, no-one would have you.
294
00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:13,960
I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.
295
00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:17,240
Mums like mine have been getting
involved with their kids' lives
296
00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:18,400
throughout history.
297
00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:22,040
Take Alexander the Great's mum.
She certainly looked out for him,
298
00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:24,400
and everyone else had to
watch out for her.
299
00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:27,120
♪ Fall in love
300
00:15:27,120 --> 00:15:30,840
♪ Hold me close
301
00:15:30,840 --> 00:15:33,480
♪ Fall in love
302
00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:35,800
♪ Hold me close
303
00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:37,520
♪ In the moment. ♪
304
00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:43,920
Oh hey, Olympia.
Eurydice...
305
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:46,640
OMZ - for Zeus.
306
00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:49,240
Your daughter's wedding,
you must be so proud.
307
00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:55,120
I am, darling. My husband, Philip,
is very excited.
308
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:57,600
Oh, my husband Philip's
really excited too.
309
00:15:57,600 --> 00:16:01,440
While he would be, darling,
because it's the same husband.
310
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:09,960
His other five wives are all here
too, it's so amazing.
311
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:11,840
Hi, wives. Hi.
312
00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:13,480
Mum!
313
00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:15,800
Alexander, darling, how are you?
314
00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:20,640
I'm great. But I've got some
really bad news, actually.
315
00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:23,720
Yeah? Basically it's like dad,
the king,
316
00:16:23,720 --> 00:16:26,600
he's been, like, murdered and stuff.
317
00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:32,520
My Philip? My Philip? My Philip?
My Philip? My Philip? My Philip?
318
00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:35,760
My Philip? Yeah, he was on his way
to the wedding or something,
319
00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:39,320
and then one of his bodyguards,
like, totally murdered him,
320
00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:41,440
and I was just like, what?
321
00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:45,560
I have always said
that Pausanias is a villain.
322
00:16:45,560 --> 00:16:48,240
Yeah. Wait how did you know it
was Pausanias?
323
00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:52,680
What? Was it Pausanias?
324
00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:55,720
Well that's quite convenient
for you, Olympia.
325
00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:57,480
What did you say, Eurydice?
326
00:16:57,480 --> 00:17:00,320
I mean that just means
that your son, Alexander,
327
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:04,520
gets to be the king now.
Oh, yeah, he does...
328
00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:07,680
He's going to be the most
powerful man in the kingdom,
329
00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:10,600
and no-one can tell him what to do.
Gosh, I didn't even think...
330
00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:13,720
Be quiet, Alexander.
Yes, Mummy.
331
00:17:13,720 --> 00:17:16,760
Are you saying I arranged
to have my own husband killed,
332
00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:19,640
Eurydice? He was my husband too.
333
00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:23,080
And also I got a scroll
from someone, I'm not going to say
334
00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:26,800
who, that said that you sleep
in a bed with snakes.
335
00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:29,520
That's a lie!
336
00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:32,280
I don't even know how
you could say that.
337
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:38,840
Mum!
338
00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:42,360
I've just heard, Eurydice,
who you threw that drink over,
339
00:17:42,360 --> 00:17:44,880
I mean, she's, like, dead.
340
00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:47,840
Well, it has nothing to do with me,
if that's what you're thinking.
341
00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:51,160
Why would I have Eurydice
and her children killed?
342
00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:54,240
I didn't know her children
were killed too.
343
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:57,280
Oh, yeah, neither did I.
I'm just guessing.
344
00:17:57,280 --> 00:17:58,720
Wow...
345
00:18:01,440 --> 00:18:04,360
Us Vikings often had
to go away on business.
346
00:18:04,360 --> 00:18:07,560
Raiding his hard work,
but someone needs to do it.
347
00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:10,160
Those monasteries won't
pillage themselves.
348
00:18:10,160 --> 00:18:13,360
It was tough on our wives
and families being left for months,
349
00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:15,400
or even years, while we were away.
350
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:17,960
I don't know how they managed,
but they did.
351
00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:27,760
Honey, I'm home!
352
00:18:30,520 --> 00:18:32,360
What are you doing?
353
00:18:32,360 --> 00:18:35,360
Freya! It's me, Ulrich!
354
00:18:35,360 --> 00:18:36,600
Back from raiding.
355
00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:38,680
Your husband?
356
00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:41,640
Oh, I'm so sorry,
I thought you were a Swede.
357
00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:43,760
I really hate the Swedes!
I know, right?
358
00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:45,440
They are just... Ow!
359
00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:48,720
Sorry. Must've been thinking
about the Swedes again.
360
00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:51,440
Yeah, you must've. Anyway...
361
00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:53,960
Been gone for ten months,
what have you and the girls
362
00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:56,720
been up to? Oh, nothing really.
363
00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:57,880
Well, I...
364
00:18:57,880 --> 00:18:59,560
Apart from harvesting the rye.
365
00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:04,240
OK, cool. Well, back in England...
And we built a new barn.
366
00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:06,720
OK... And I brewed this new ale.
367
00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:09,560
Right.
368
00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:11,640
And then we sheared the sheep,
and then we ploughed,
369
00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:13,840
and then we sowed,
and then we were raided
370
00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:15,760
by the Swedes, but we fought them
off. Oh...
371
00:19:15,760 --> 00:19:17,000
Our Astrid killed two.
372
00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:19,800
But then she got in a sulk,
because I only let her keep one
373
00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:22,960
of the heads. Ooh..
That's who that is. Yup!
374
00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:27,240
But apart from that, it's all been
pretty quiet, really.
375
00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:33,840
Me, me, ask about me...
I'm so sorry, what about you!
376
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:36,080
What did you pillage?
Oh, well...
377
00:19:37,280 --> 00:19:39,600
Ta-da!
378
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:42,240
Oh, go on, then, give us a twirl.
Oh, OK.
379
00:19:46,880 --> 00:19:48,320
Ooh..
380
00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:50,120
Very nice. Yeah?
381
00:19:50,120 --> 00:19:52,200
And I was thinking this bro...
382
00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:53,640
You're not looking.
383
00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:56,840
This brooch goes really nicely
with this necklace.
384
00:19:56,840 --> 00:19:59,200
Maybe just with this bracelet.
Choices.
385
00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:01,680
Yup, or we could trade
it all for some cattle.
386
00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:04,480
Oh, no, can't I just
keep this one necklace,
387
00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:07,040
I really think it
brings out my eyes. OK.
388
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:09,480
But we do need to find something
to trade for cattle,
389
00:20:09,480 --> 00:20:14,120
so what have I got around here
that's been of absolutely no use
390
00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:16,360
to me for the past ten months?
391
00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:19,880
Maybe we could trade
it all for cattle.
392
00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:21,040
There's a good boy.
393
00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:24,680
Greetings, I am Queen Victoria.
394
00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:27,880
Ruler of Britain
and its vast empire.
395
00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:32,640
I was also Empress of India,
though I never actually went there.
396
00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:36,560
Instead I had Indian servants come
over to live in my palace,
397
00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:41,040
but what did my favourite servant,
Abdul Kareem, do to help me
398
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:43,200
understand his culture better?
399
00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:45,600
Did he...
400
00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:57,840
And the answer is A, B, and C.
401
00:20:57,840 --> 00:21:00,520
He was like family to me.
402
00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:04,720
Yes, lovely Abdul
became my secretary,
403
00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:07,560
and taught me Indian languages,
made me a big fan of curry,
404
00:21:07,560 --> 00:21:12,760
and helped me understand
religion and politics in India.
405
00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:18,680
I guess you could say he impressed
this Empress by currying my favour.
406
00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:25,280
No? All right. Took me all week
to think of that joke.
407
00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:28,800
You all right, Mum?
408
00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:30,200
Oh, yes, dear.
409
00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:33,400
I'm just looking at these old photos
of our family holiday
410
00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:35,280
to that rubbish dump in Spain.
411
00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:39,640
Oh, there's nothing like the taste
of three-month-old prawns, eh?
412
00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:42,440
There's your sister hitting
your dad because he was snoring.
413
00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:45,640
Oh, and there's everyone
throwing up on the ferry.
414
00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:47,760
My fur's still a bit sticky.
415
00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:50,480
Well, at least you are allowed
to go on our outings.
416
00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:53,320
That wasn't always
the case for mums.
417
00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:56,280
Single for the stands. Enjoy.
418
00:21:56,280 --> 00:22:00,640
Olympic tickets here, get your...
Oh, visiting from Sparta, are we?
419
00:22:00,640 --> 00:22:03,600
Yeah, we thought we would come
and see what the Olympics
420
00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:05,960
were about. Two adults
and two children, please.
421
00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:08,120
I should let you know
that this is a men's athletic
422
00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:10,520
event, so there is
quite a lot of nudity.
423
00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:12,720
So the men compete naked? Mmm...
424
00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:16,320
So, needless to say, it's not
really suitable for family viewing.
425
00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:17,880
Oh, sorry, kids.
426
00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:21,640
Oh, no, no, no, the kids are fine,
it's you that can't come in, Missus.
427
00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:22,760
Me? Why not?
428
00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:27,080
Well, married women are not allowed
to watch the festival of Zeus.
429
00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:28,480
She has seen a man in the nude.
430
00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:29,760
I've seen a few. What?
431
00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:33,640
No look, sorry, but it is
strictly forbidden. Aww.
432
00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:36,440
Look, I'm not supposed
to tell you this,
433
00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:38,920
but some of the married ladies
have got in using...
434
00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:42,360
Oh... Does it work?
435
00:22:42,360 --> 00:22:43,440
Yeah, most of the time.
436
00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:47,200
Of course, if you do get caught,
there is a slight chance
437
00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:49,400
they will throw you off
the cliffs at Mount Trypeum.
438
00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:54,080
OK, are there any events
that I can see that don't involve me
439
00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:55,360
being thrown off a cliff?
440
00:22:55,360 --> 00:22:58,680
There are the games of Hera,
that's an all-female event.
441
00:22:58,680 --> 00:23:00,920
Oh, so are they naked as well?
442
00:23:00,920 --> 00:23:03,000
No, of course not,
they're dressed as men.
443
00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:04,360
So, what's it to be?
444
00:23:04,360 --> 00:23:09,680
The games of Hera, or the festival
of Zeus and the old...
445
00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:11,840
Which involves the risk
of me being thrown off
446
00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:15,840
a cliff, so... Is it a big cliff?
Right.
447
00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:17,400
Are widows of men who have died
448
00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:21,400
in tragic throttled-by-false-beard
accidents allowed in?
449
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:23,160
Ah! Think of the children!
450
00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:26,120
It's so unfair...
451
00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:29,200
Hello, sir. One adult, please.
452
00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:32,720
Enjoy. Wait, mate, mate, mate!
453
00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:36,160
Just the athletes are supposed
to be naked, not the crowd!
454
00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:39,920
Hey, tiny Puritans!
455
00:23:39,920 --> 00:23:43,160
Put down your Bibles,
it's time for the family outing!
456
00:23:43,160 --> 00:23:45,920
So, pick your Bibles back up again,
and come on down to Puritown.
457
00:23:45,920 --> 00:23:50,920
The Puritan adventure playground,
putting the fun in fundamentally
458
00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:52,800
respecting the word of God.
459
00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:56,880
Activities include
standing still near a tree.
460
00:23:56,880 --> 00:23:59,400
Standing still less near a tree.
461
00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:02,040
And, of course, playing
with your friends.
462
00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:04,440
No, no, sorry, that's a typo.
463
00:24:04,440 --> 00:24:07,000
PRAYING with your friends.
464
00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:08,760
Praying!
465
00:24:08,760 --> 00:24:09,960
But there's more!
466
00:24:09,960 --> 00:24:13,640
Why not get super silly
in the pretend zone?
467
00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:17,920
Featuring pretend yarn spinning
and pretend clothes washing.
468
00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:22,640
And this year's new attraction,
pretend knitting!
469
00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:25,120
I hope you're not planning
on pretending to wear that
470
00:24:25,120 --> 00:24:26,400
when you go out.
471
00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:28,760
So, come on down to Puritown.
472
00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:33,000
Where he who is without sin may play
for up to half an hour a day.
473
00:24:41,160 --> 00:24:43,280
Ugh, talk about a tough upbringing.
474
00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:45,960
Makes me realise
just how lucky I am.
475
00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:47,600
Oh, you are a lovely son.
476
00:24:47,600 --> 00:24:48,920
That's all right, Mum.
477
00:24:48,920 --> 00:24:53,560
No matter how annoying your family
are, no matter how funny they smell,
478
00:24:53,560 --> 00:24:56,560
no matter how sticky their fur...
479
00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:57,880
Harsh, but fair.
480
00:24:57,880 --> 00:25:00,680
No matter how long
they overstay their welcome,
481
00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:02,520
they're family. Oh, you are a dear!
482
00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:06,560
Oh, come on.
483
00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:09,680
And even a tough upbringing
can inspire greatness!
484
00:25:09,680 --> 00:25:12,960
This great literary
family had it so tough,
485
00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:16,800
three of them had to hide
the fact that they were women.
486
00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:25,040
♪ Our family suffered tragedy
when our mum and sisters died
487
00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:30,000
♪ But intellectual curiosity
saw us two go worldwide
488
00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:32,880
♪ We travelled and learned languages
489
00:25:32,880 --> 00:25:35,400
♪ We came back home to teach
490
00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:38,160
♪ But no-one came,
our school closed down
491
00:25:38,160 --> 00:25:40,480
♪ We needed a Plan B
492
00:25:40,480 --> 00:25:42,920
♪ I was secretly writing poetry
493
00:25:42,920 --> 00:25:45,960
♪ And Emily was too
494
00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:49,520
♪ And so was I, but we were told,
it's not what women do
495
00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:56,040
♪ Charlotte, Anne,
and Emily, we're a writing family
496
00:25:56,040 --> 00:25:58,680
♪ Hey, girls, not forgetting me
497
00:25:58,680 --> 00:26:02,040
♪ Bronte sisterhood
498
00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:07,880
♪ We pretend we're men
499
00:26:07,880 --> 00:26:11,280
♪ As Acton, Currer, Ellis Bell
we publish
500
00:26:11,280 --> 00:26:14,080
♪ But I'm a man, and I write too
501
00:26:14,080 --> 00:26:16,600
♪ That's true,
but your stuff's rubbish
502
00:26:16,600 --> 00:26:19,080
♪ Anne wrote about a governess
503
00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:20,920
♪ I stole her plot... ♪
504
00:26:20,920 --> 00:26:22,480
Not fair!
505
00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:24,800
♪ My governess was Agnes Grey
506
00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:27,560
♪ But more knew mine, Jane Eyre
507
00:26:27,560 --> 00:26:29,960
♪ My Heathcliff hit
the Wuthering Heights
508
00:26:29,960 --> 00:26:32,520
♪ Who's best? Our rows are grim... ♪
509
00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:34,240
Oh, look, I've got some poems out.
510
00:26:34,240 --> 00:26:35,680
♪ Agreed, that it's not him!
511
00:26:38,280 --> 00:26:42,960
♪ Charlotte, Anne,
and Emily, we're the Bronte family
512
00:26:42,960 --> 00:26:44,400
♪ Got all my sisters... ♪
513
00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:45,520
And me!
514
00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:47,720
♪ Whoa-oh-oh
515
00:26:47,720 --> 00:26:50,360
♪ Charlotte, Anne, and Emily
516
00:26:50,360 --> 00:26:53,160
♪ Writing sisters, one, two,
three... ♪
517
00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:55,720
Hello? Can anybody actually hear me?
518
00:26:55,720 --> 00:26:59,120
♪ Bronte sisterhood. ♪
519
00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:11,560
Your mum wore a hairy shirt.
Only because her sister...
520
00:27:11,560 --> 00:27:13,560
Because she married, like...
521
00:27:13,560 --> 00:27:15,560
THEY GIGGLE
522
00:27:15,560 --> 00:27:18,520
♪ The past is no longer a mystery
523
00:27:18,520 --> 00:27:22,240
♪ Hope you enjoyed
Horrible Histories. ♪
41523
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