Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians

♪ Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

♪ Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

♪ Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

♪ Gory stories, we do that.

♪ And your host, a talking rat

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to...

♪ Horrible Histories. ♪

Horrible Histories presents...

Are you always being told not to speak with your mouth full,

or to stop farting at the dinner table?

No? Just me, then.

Well, manners have always been important,

even in Ancient Greece,

where a custom called Xenia meant you had to be polite to anyone,

even your worst enemy!

Prepare to meet your grisly end. All is lost!

And I send Scarkus,

son of Hypoleucus...

No-one's going to save you now.

Wait, say your name again. Laucus, son of Hypoleucus.

Not the grandson of Bellerophon? Yes, that's me.

Mate, how the Hades are you?

It's me, Briamedes. I'm Ineos' grandson. Shut up! I know!

SOLDIER SHOUTS

Sorry, mate, he's now under my protection.

Of course.

Xenia. Rules of hospitality.

Yay! Your grandfather showed hospitality to my grandfather,

so now I have to return the favour. Ooh, mind your head.

Oh! Saved your life. Thank you.

Obviously, thanks to our traditions of hospitality,

you are now my honoured guest.

Shall we grab a hug?

Yes, if you like. Come here, big guy. Come on.

Oh! This was really unexpected.

Yeah, well, you know, rules are rules.

You're not leaving my land, mister, without a gift. Have my shield.

And an axe, apparently.

I can't accept this, it looks way too expensive, you know?

Even with...

..two axes sticking out of it.

Nonsense.

We're just doing what any two people would do

whose grandfathers were friendly to each other

on a single occasion many, many years ago,

and now following a bizarre and quite frankly tenuous tradition.

Let's not leave it so many generations next time.

OK. Well, don't be a stranger, mister.

Bye. Right, I need a shield.

Ow!

Argh!

Oh, the Rat Queen is touring the sewer today,

and I've got no idea how to behave around royalty - I'm a rat!

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, thank goodness.

That'll be my mate, Fred Siriex.

He knows a thing or two about entertaining and manners.

He's here to show me what to do.

Hello, Ratters.

Problem is this - I don't know how to behave in front of a queen.

Take these snacks, for instance.

Do posh people eat with their hands,

or with their feet? Neither!

What, they just shove their faces in it?

Look, don't you know what a fork is?

People have been using them in the UK for 400 years.

Look! Oh! OK...

So, which bit goes up your nose?

You don't pick your nose in front of the Queen.

Of course not! Silly me.

You let her do it.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Francis Beaumont,

John Donne, and a Fraternity of Sireniacal Gentlemen,

ready to get stuck into a bit of cheeky chicken, lads?

Dentures at the ready!

Evening, gentlemen.

Hey!

Thomas Coryat, the travelling lad, is back!

Someone's been off chasing banterlopes in Bantartica!

Actually, it was a tour of Europe for my popular

and influential travel writing.

Oh.

All right, then. I say, is it chicken o'clock?

Mate, it's five past, mate. You're late, mate.

Jolly good. Let's tuck in, then.

Shall we? Yummy!

Oh, my days.

Mate, what kind of knife is that?

Oh, actually, it's a fork. A what, mate? A fork.

Is he having japes right now?

Seriously, what's going on with your knife, bro?

It's all like...

Ooh!

Well, actually, they're all the rage in Italy.

Nah, nah, nah, nah. No, no, no, no.

Seriously, mate, a fork? They're actually really clever,

because it means we don't have to touch our meat.

I mean, Ben, you've been known to pick your nose.

My bogies is bang on.

And, John, you've got a habit of picking your ears.

Yeah, I made an entire candle out of my earwax.

It is lit!

Obviously, it's not lit now.

Francis, I know for a fact you never wash your hands

after wiping your...

Jumbo platter, sir?

Eh, no, I'm sorry. I actually object...

Actually, maybe this fork thing's not so bad.

Maybe we should just ease up on Thomas, you know.

Thank you. Gentlemen, I'm sure you'll be surprised when you see

how easy it is to use, hmm?

THEY SNIGGER

Have you got two knives stuck together there, mate? Ha-ha-ha!

Do you know what? Forget it. Oh, mate, come on.

See you later, guys.

Bye! Ha-ha-ha.

Don't forget your fork!

Forky, forky, forky, fork.

I mean, to be fair, that's actually really handy.

Of course, often when you eat a lot, particularly quickly,

you sometimes get a little...windy.

HE FARTS

But letting that wind out whilst eating is considered bad manners.

Keeping it in, though, well, that can be worse.

More prunes, Ventas? No, thank you, Emperor.

Dried fig, perhaps? Not right now. Please yourself.

Oh!

Oh, would you mind, Ventas?

HIS STOMACH RUMBLES

In your own time, Ventas.

SQUEAK

RUMBLING CONTINUES

I wonder if I might step outside, Emperor.

HE LAUGHS

Certainly not, I'm not finished eating.

Sit down.

VENTAS FARTS AND GROANS

What is the matter with you today, Ventas?

Nothing, Emperor.

I'm absolutely fine...

HE FARTS

Ventas? Doctor!

THEY GASP

HE FARTS

It appears Ventas has died.

Oh. What of, exactly?

HE SNIFFS

Of a massive build-up of gas he held in his toga cuffs, Sire.

Why on Earth would anyone do that?

Well, it would be shockingly rude for one of us mere mortals to

drop a temple clearer in front of someone as magnificent as yourself.

Are you saying that none of you have been prepared to unleash

a scroll ripper in front of me?

Well...

Ever? Well, then,

I decree from this moment forward, anyone may release

an air chariot in front of me. whenever they need to.

THEY FART AND SIGH

FARTING CONTINUES

Oh, that's so good. Maybe not all at the same time?

Welcome to Historical Saturday Kitchen Live.

Yesterday's recipes today.

Let's meat our first forgotten foodie, Ichtaka the Aztec.

So, Ichtaka,

have you got something to tickle our taste buds?

Well, hopefully, I'll tickle them, yes.

This is just a simple dish that we used to knock up

around harvest time in Aztec Mexico.

Oh, seasonal! That is so me.

I love farmer's markets. Yeah.

So we had slaves who would help with the harvest,

but we didn't quite have enough food to feed them.

So what did you do?

Just whip up, like, a simple corn salad?

Er, no, we just ate them.

So this is the pot where we cook the meat.

Oh, I think I can see why this dish didn't catch on.

Erm... Lisa, can we cut the crazy cannibal

and maybe start with the next guy?

OK. Cut! Is this making anyone else hungry?

Don't worry, I have washed my hand!

Right. Lose the Aztec and bring in the next one!

So, late 16th century Parisian cook, Marcel de Squelette.

Let's hope he's going to rustle up something

that doesn't involve human body parts.

Can I just check? Does using ground-up human bone as flour count?

Yeah. Yeah, it does.

Well, we were under siege at the time.

I don't care. Can we cut? Cut!

Look, it wasn't a cut!

It was more of a grinding action.

Who found these people? Right.

Reset, everyone. Third time lucky.

Let's hope our next forgotten foodie, Ki Taek,

the ancient Fijian, has something a little more appropriate.

Hi. Thanks for having me.

Back in the day, we Fijians used to eat with our hands,

except when we were eating long pig.

We'd use this special wooden fork.

Mmm. Yummy! Long pig.

Is that like bacon?

No, no. It's what we called our enemies when we ate them.

Oh, dear. It's all organic, though.

Thigh or calf?

Lisa....

Actually, if you snap the marrow... Lisa!

Right. Next week, it's vegans only!

Hello. Queen Victoria here.

I had many rules for manners at my dining table,

but most importantly,

you couldn't start eating until I did.

And when I was finished, that meant you were, too.

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

You'd better warm up. She'll be here in a minute.

I'm sorry... Sh!

All rise for Her Majesty the Queen.

Do sit down, everyone.

No. No.

Grab your spoon.

Get ready.

What are you talking about?

CLASSICAL MUSIC SPEEDS UP

Hang on! No! I haven't even started yet.

He took my soup! Of course he did.

All the food is removed as soon as the Queen's finished her course,

and she might not look it, but she is quick.

Why do you think we're all eating so fast? It's just silly!

What if you haven't finished it? What if you haven't even started?

Get ready.

Eat, man. It's your only chance.

I think I'll have a bit more time for the main. She can't finish...

No! Please, please, please!

I warned you.

She's a quick eater.

I'm so hungry.

We're on pudding, and I haven't even had a bite yet.

Speed. It's the only way.

OK. I'm ready.

Mine!

What happened?

This is called Prince Albert's pudding.

It reminds her of Albert.

SHE WHIMPERS

Um, you've got a bit of...

No, a bit more.

Don't worry about it. Yep!

Queen Victoria was heartbroken when her husband, Albert, died,

and she mourned his loss by wearing black clothes

for the rest of her life.

The Victorians had very strict etiquette

on how and for how long people should grieve

after someone died.

They also had very unusual things you could hire for a funeral.

Yeah. I often think of my great Uncle Ratticus

when I'm eating his cheese.

Oh, poor little thing. Did he die?

No. I'm thinking, "I hope he doesn't come home early,

"and catch me eating his cheese".

So we'll take the hearse with the black horses,

and black ostrich feathers,

and the mahogany coffin with black panels.

Very appropriate, Madam, if I do say so.

Your father was a grand man, and he deserved the best.

Have you given any thought to a professional mourner?

Oh, I mean, I know they're all the rage, but..

..we thought we'd do the mourning ourselves.

Of course, Madam.

It's just a professional mourner adds that little extra sadness,

and I believe Baxter is available.

Baxter?

Hello, friends.

Baxter's the name, sadness, the game.

Who's the unlucky fella, then?

It's my poor father.

Oh, I love a family occasion.

Proper wailing and quality nosh!

Are you free on Saturday? Saturday?

Oh, let me just check the diaroonie, me old china.

He's quite jolly, isn't he? Ah, yes,

but that's because he's on his lunch break.

He'll be back to work in four...three...two...

..one. I really don't think... CLOCK STRIKES

My condolences for your loss.

How will we manage without him?

Oh, he's very good, isn't he?

I must regret to inform you, however, that..

..I already have several bookings on Saturday,

due to a cart pile-up on The Strand.

My sincerest apologies,

brave madam!

Oh. Goodness!

Do you have anyone else like him?

Um...

Not exactly.

The only other option we have is...

Sid?

You called, ma'am?

Show this nice lady your mourning. Of course, ma'am.

I'm glad he's dead!

I never liked him, the rotter!

Good riddance to him!

We generally only send him to funerals of enemies.

I hope he's spinning in his grave!

Death's too good for him.

Maybe we should just go with some more black feathers,

and some wreaths? Yes, that would be fine.

Make sure the lid's on tight!

We don't want him getting out!

Too much. Just...

In the Middle Ages, we knights abided by the code of chivalry,

a set of rules that told us how to fight,

how to conduct ourselves politely,

and, would you believe it,

how to indulge our artistic side.

ROARING AND CLANGING

Thanks, Nigel. Great workout.

Hi, I'm Sir Harry Breaky-Bottom,

and I'm going to show you the key skills

that are an essential part of knighthood.

Be sure to like and subscribe, as I teach you my code of chivalry.

Lesson one - Dancing.

Yes, the perfect medieval knight should be a great dancer.

Less is more.

But enough about dancing.

Anyone can kill someone with a sword...

..apart from him now,

but finding a rhyme for turnip?

Well, that's a real challenge.

Lesson two - Writing Poetry.

F for fern...flip...fern, flip.

Once you've mastered poetry, it's time to face the music.

Are you calling me a liar?

No, I'm calling this a LYRE!

It's a knight's joke.

Lesson three - Music Appreciation.

TUNELESSLY: I've dug up a lovely turnip.

Be careful, it's hot, so don't burn lips,

wiping.

Yes, these really are the must-have skills

for the everyday 15th century knight.

And don't forget, art. Yes, I really did paint this myself.

And liking pretty flowers.

Mm, that's so nice.

Harry's online knight school.

The code of chivalry to make you

more than just a knight in shining armour.

Fred! Fred, great news!

I've just heard that the Rat Queen is single.

If I can impress her enough,

maybe she'll marry me, and make me the Rat King!

I need a crash course in dating technique.

What can you teach me? Look, it's all in the eye contact,

so listen carefully.

Mon petit Chou! You and I. We are meant to be.

We are like two peas in a pod,

two halves of the same heart.

Marry me, and together, we will be queen and king for ever.

I do.

When you've got it, you've got it.

SPLASH

Better take over.

He'll be out for a while.

Dating during Puritan times had very strict rules.

Young lovers had to be supervised at all times.

And while they were allowed to talk to each other,

they had to do it using an 8ft tube.

Stop that!

Get inside so you can flirt in the proper, Puritan manner.

♪ Your parents don't think I'm bad

♪ You've been polite to my dad

♪ If we go too fast, they'll be sad

♪ We must court in the right way

♪ All of our parents approve

♪ So time to make your first move

♪ Via a shiny brass tube

♪ And keep it in our way

♪ Our lives, they are changing

♪ Our marriage, they're arranging

♪ Your hormones might be raging

♪ But there's no touching, baby

♪ Hey, I just met you

♪ And this is crazy

♪ But here's my call tube

♪ So court me, maybe

♪ I'm not allowed to

♪ Touch you, baby

♪ But here's my call tube

♪ So court me, maybe

♪ My parents think you're a catch

♪ Yours think we'll make a good match

♪ I think you're an itch I could scratch

♪ But something's in our way

♪ And as we talk more and more

♪ I think it's you I adore

♪ But this bundling board

♪ Has been put in our way

♪ This is to see if I can

♪ Sleep next to a real man

♪ In a way that's PUR-I-TAN

♪ You can still use the trumpet, baby

♪ Getting to know you

♪ And this is crazy

♪ But here's my call tube

♪ So court me, maybe

♪ We are together

♪ But separated

♪ Love regulated

♪ Keeps parents happy

♪ We are romancing puritanically

♪ I think I like you

♪ Let's get married, maybe

♪ We can get together

♪ And have a baby.

♪ Won't need my call tube

♪ When I'm your lady. ♪

You're at a Georgian piano recital,

and someone across the room has caught your eye.

What do you do?

Speaking to them would obviously be the height of bad manners.

But don't worry. Help is at hand, thanks to...

..Georgian fan messages.

You can say everything without actually saying a word.

But make sure you use the correct signals.

Because getting it wrong could backfire terribly.

And, remember, Georgian Fan Messages

is available in a handy travel size.

In case you get your, "I wish to know you betters"

mixed up with your, "Meet me outside".

Also, be careful who you aim your fan at.

Sending a message to the wrong person can have dire consequences.

I'm sure it'll be fine.

At least you've got your fan to hide behind.

Please fan responsibly.

Good day.

I am famous scientist Charles Darwin,

discoverer of the theory of evolution.

I also try to be scientific in my own personal life.

So how did I decide whether or not to marry my cousin, Emma?

Did I...?

And the answer is B.

I compared a list of all the good and bad points

about getting married.

Yes, I decided that getting married was a good thing.

The monkey jury was a close second,

but early tests proved...

MONKEYS SQUEAL

..difficult.

In Tudor times, how do you show the man of your dreams

that you're into him?

You use Pitz!

You smell amazing! Thanks. It's the apple in my armpits.

Ah!

Pitz! You slice, you peel,

you stick it in your armpit.

Make a lasting impression with Pitz!

Do you come here often?

I'm sorry. Why do you have apples in your armpits?

So I can give it to someone I like.

SPLAT

I know you're watching me walk away.

Pitz absorbs the ladies' natural smells

so their true loves can remember them.

Pitz, used by women, loved by men.

Just not like that!

Today on Historical Love Island,

it's time for personal trainer, Matt,

to couple up with one of our three remaining historical hotties.

Will he crack on with Chiara, the Austrian peasant?

Will his roaming eye pick up the Roman rag trader Cassia,

or couple up with gorgeous Georgian Jane Austen?

This is really tricky for me, like,

because, obviously, you're all well fit,

but I think I'm going to go with number...

..three. Oh!

He's gone for stunning storyteller Jane Austen.

I was looking her up, yeah,

and it says she likes Reading, which is where I grew up.

It's pronounced "ree-ding".

Nah, it's not, mate. I grew up there, so...

I thought the men in this villa would be like those in my novels.

Brooding and sensitive, like Mr Darcy in Pride and Prejudice,

which is available in all good book shops.

So, can modern man Matt navigate the many rules

of Georgian courtship and woo our writer?

Jane... Oh! You used my Christian name!

Well, we are engaged. Oh, sorry, babes.

Don't just stand there. We must walk as we talk.

What, are you trying to reach your 10,000 steps or something?

You must know that it is impossibly vulgar

for a young lady to stand around, talking to a gentleman.

What would people think? That we're having a chat?

All he has to do is bring a card to my family home during his

morning calls which, of course, only happen in the afternoon.

He must never acknowledge me if I have an older sister

of marriageable age until she herself has found a husband.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure you would have lost Matt at "card".

Oi, oi, gorgeous!

Fancy a dance?

Well, I suppose a dance could be appropriate.

Whoa! Without gloves?

Unthinkable!

Cheeky.

All right, then. Let's dance the night away.

The night?

Any true gentleman knows that a lady would never honour him

with more than two dances in an evening, unless...

Unless, what?

..unless you mean us to be married?

Ooh! No, thanks. You're all right.

It all makes sense now.

The bare, naked hands. The use of my Christian name...

It's actually all moving a bit fast for me, Jane.

I know. I shall need some time to consider my response

before you meet with my father and draw up the marriage contract.

Yeah. You take your time with that, babe.

In fact, whilst you're thinking about it, I might just go

and check out what Chiara's up to.

Laters, yeah?

Oh! What a shame.

He was flames!

Oh! She's coming. She's coming.

This is my big moment.

I'm going to use everything I've learned from history

and everything I've learned from you, Fred,

and make her my queen. How do I look?

Like you've been crawling inside a bin,

my little cheese cracker.

Then I'm ready.

Your Majesty.

Charmed, I'm sure.

Who is this handsome chap?

Well, my name is Rattus.

Not you, you smelly scruffbag, the tall, handsome fromage in the suit!

Your Majesty. Enchante.

Je m'appelle Fred.

I hear you're looking for a king.

I think I've found him.

Come on, you.

Au revoir, Rattus.

I'll send you a postcard from the palace. Cheerio.

Well, if that's not bad manners, I don't know what is.

Still, there's plenty more to learn about courtship rules.

This guy from Ancient India wrote the book on them.

This is a nice restaurant, isn't it? Yeah.

The waiter was very...

..professional. Yeah, he had one of those little pads...

They have those, don't they, to...

..write the order on? Yeah.

I need the bathroom, actually, so...

Well, this date is going terribly.

Sorry, who's that? Hi, I'm Vatsyayana,

esteemed dating expert of the third century BC,

and I'm here to teach you the thousands of rules of courtship.

Thousands of rules? Each more complex than the last.

You see, courtship has an intricate etiquette.

And if you screw it up, even once,

you're guaranteed to die alone.

But do what I tell you,

and a lifetime of marital happiness awaits you.

Or at least a slightly better date

than the one you're currently experiencing. Duck! She's coming.

Well, perhaps we should order some starters.

No, the rules of dating state

that the first part of courtship should be entirely without pleasure.

That way the rest of your lives together will feel like bliss

in comparison.

The soup looks nice... Actually, no starters.

This date should be entirely without pleasure.

In which case, it's going very well so far.

Courtship etiquette states that you should not be sitting on chairs.

Tell her to sit on the floor.

Do you want to sit on the floor?

I'm quite comfortable here, thank you.

You're not meant to feel comfortable during courtship.

Just let me talk to her!

NO! If you want to impress her, then offer her some gentle courtesies.

What gentle courtesies?

Nuts, flowers, sweeties.

Sorry. Were you talking to the plant? No.

Where did you get them? The plant.

Do you want them? They're gentle courtesies.

No, do you know what? I'm actually going to go.

She's going! Don't worry. There's one final devastating move

that will definitely work. Great. What is it?

Get down on your knees and beg,

Please, oh, please, marry him.

I know he's not much of a catch, and he has really,

really bad breath, but he is desperate to please.

Just when I thought this date couldn't get any weirder.

See you around, maybe, then? Yeah. Yeah, sure. Maybe.

You hear that?

"Maybe." See? The begging works every time.

Now, let's order. I'm starving.

It's me, Diomedes!

HE STUTTERS

So... No, it's not Jess, it's Jane!

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Hope you enjoyed....

♪ ..Horrible Histories. ♪