Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,840
♪ Terrible Tudors,
gorgeous Georgians
2
00:00:03,840 --> 00:00:05,360
♪ Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
3
00:00:05,360 --> 00:00:08,000
♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights
Dingy castles, daring knights
4
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:10,840
♪ Horrors that defy description
Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
5
00:00:10,840 --> 00:00:13,440
♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes
Punishment from ancient times
6
00:00:13,440 --> 00:00:14,960
♪ Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless
7
00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:16,840
♪ Cavemen, savage, fierce and
toothless
8
00:00:16,840 --> 00:00:19,280
♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages
Mean and measly Middle Ages
9
00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:20,640
♪ Gory stories, we do that.
10
00:00:20,640 --> 00:00:22,720
♪ And your host, a talking rat
11
00:00:22,720 --> 00:00:25,760
♪ The past is no longer a mystery
12
00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:27,520
♪ Welcome to...
13
00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:31,840
♪ Horrible Histories. ♪
14
00:00:31,840 --> 00:00:35,880
Horrible Histories presents...
15
00:00:37,080 --> 00:00:39,840
Are you always being told not to
speak with your mouth full,
16
00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:42,640
or to stop farting
at the dinner table?
17
00:00:42,640 --> 00:00:44,120
No? Just me, then.
18
00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:46,960
Well, manners have always
been important,
19
00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:48,600
even in Ancient Greece,
20
00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:52,920
where a custom called Xenia meant
you had to be polite to anyone,
21
00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:54,600
even your worst enemy!
22
00:01:07,880 --> 00:01:11,000
Prepare to meet your grisly end.
All is lost!
23
00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:13,160
And I send Scarkus,
24
00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:14,800
son of Hypoleucus...
25
00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:16,560
No-one's going to save you now.
26
00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:19,680
Wait, say your name again.
Laucus, son of Hypoleucus.
27
00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:22,400
Not the grandson of Bellerophon?
Yes, that's me.
28
00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:24,160
Mate, how the Hades are you?
29
00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:29,880
It's me, Briamedes. I'm Ineos'
grandson. Shut up! I know!
30
00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:31,520
SOLDIER SHOUTS
31
00:01:31,520 --> 00:01:33,880
Sorry, mate,
he's now under my protection.
32
00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:35,440
Of course.
33
00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:37,280
Xenia. Rules of hospitality.
34
00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:40,880
Yay! Your grandfather showed
hospitality to my grandfather,
35
00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:44,520
so now I have to return
the favour. Ooh, mind your head.
36
00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:46,960
Oh! Saved your life.
Thank you.
37
00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:49,600
Obviously, thanks to our
traditions of hospitality,
38
00:01:49,600 --> 00:01:51,840
you are now my honoured guest.
39
00:01:51,840 --> 00:01:53,840
Shall we grab a hug?
40
00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:57,080
Yes, if you like.
Come here, big guy. Come on.
41
00:01:57,080 --> 00:01:59,240
Oh!
This was really unexpected.
42
00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:03,040
Yeah, well, you know,
rules are rules.
43
00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:06,800
You're not leaving my land, mister,
without a gift. Have my shield.
44
00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:10,760
And an axe, apparently.
45
00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:13,400
I can't accept this, it looks
way too expensive, you know?
46
00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:14,800
Even with...
47
00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:16,560
..two axes sticking out of it.
48
00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:17,880
Nonsense.
49
00:02:17,880 --> 00:02:19,840
We're just doing what any two
people would do
50
00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:21,920
whose grandfathers were friendly
to each other
51
00:02:21,920 --> 00:02:24,160
on a single occasion
many, many years ago,
52
00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:27,360
and now following a bizarre and
quite frankly tenuous tradition.
53
00:02:27,360 --> 00:02:30,120
Let's not leave it
so many generations next time.
54
00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:32,520
OK. Well, don't be a stranger,
mister.
55
00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:34,480
Bye. Right, I need a shield.
56
00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:36,040
Ow!
57
00:02:36,040 --> 00:02:37,480
Argh!
58
00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:42,880
Oh, the Rat Queen is touring
the sewer today,
59
00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:46,960
and I've got no idea how to behave
around royalty - I'm a rat!
60
00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:48,920
DOORBELL RINGS
61
00:02:48,920 --> 00:02:50,240
Oh, thank goodness.
62
00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:51,840
That'll be my mate, Fred Siriex.
63
00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:55,320
He knows a thing or two
about entertaining and manners.
64
00:02:55,320 --> 00:02:57,000
He's here to show me what to do.
65
00:02:57,000 --> 00:02:58,640
Hello, Ratters.
66
00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:01,520
Problem is this - I don't know
how to behave in front of a queen.
67
00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:03,560
Take these snacks, for instance.
68
00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:05,480
Do posh people eat with their hands,
69
00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:07,800
or with their feet?
Neither!
70
00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:10,000
What, they just shove their
faces in it?
71
00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:11,960
Look, don't you know what a fork is?
72
00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:14,600
People have been using them
in the UK for 400 years.
73
00:03:14,600 --> 00:03:17,120
Look!
Oh! OK...
74
00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:19,520
So, which bit goes up your nose?
75
00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:21,880
You don't pick your nose
in front of the Queen.
76
00:03:21,880 --> 00:03:24,640
Of course not! Silly me.
77
00:03:24,640 --> 00:03:26,040
You let her do it.
78
00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:29,800
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
79
00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:31,360
Francis Beaumont,
80
00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:34,480
John Donne, and a Fraternity of
Sireniacal Gentlemen,
81
00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:37,040
ready to get stuck into a bit of
cheeky chicken, lads?
82
00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:38,680
Dentures at the ready!
83
00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:40,440
Evening, gentlemen.
84
00:03:40,440 --> 00:03:42,080
Hey!
85
00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:45,960
Thomas Coryat, the travelling lad,
is back!
86
00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:49,960
Someone's been off chasing
banterlopes in Bantartica!
87
00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:52,760
Actually, it was a tour of Europe
for my popular
88
00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:54,760
and influential travel writing.
89
00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:56,360
Oh.
90
00:03:56,360 --> 00:04:00,000
All right, then.
I say, is it chicken o'clock?
91
00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:02,360
Mate, it's five past, mate.
You're late, mate.
92
00:04:02,360 --> 00:04:04,640
Jolly good. Let's tuck in, then.
93
00:04:04,640 --> 00:04:06,000
Shall we?
Yummy!
94
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:09,240
Oh, my days.
95
00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:11,520
Mate, what kind of knife is that?
96
00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:14,600
Oh, actually, it's a fork.
A what, mate? A fork.
97
00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:16,520
Is he having japes right now?
98
00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:18,640
Seriously, what's going on with
your knife, bro?
99
00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:20,520
It's all like...
100
00:04:20,520 --> 00:04:24,040
Ooh!
101
00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:26,400
Well, actually, they're all the rage
in Italy.
102
00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:28,680
Nah, nah, nah, nah.
No, no, no, no.
103
00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:31,400
Seriously, mate, a fork?
They're actually really clever,
104
00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:33,560
because it means we don't
have to touch our meat.
105
00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:35,680
I mean, Ben, you've been known
to pick your nose.
106
00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:36,960
My bogies is bang on.
107
00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:39,640
And, John, you've got a habit
of picking your ears.
108
00:04:39,640 --> 00:04:42,040
Yeah, I made an entire candle
out of my earwax.
109
00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:43,640
It is lit!
110
00:04:43,640 --> 00:04:44,960
Obviously, it's not lit now.
111
00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:47,440
Francis, I know for a fact
you never wash your hands
112
00:04:47,440 --> 00:04:48,480
after wiping your...
113
00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:50,080
Jumbo platter, sir?
114
00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:52,880
Eh, no, I'm sorry.
I actually object...
115
00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:55,320
Actually, maybe this fork thing's
not so bad.
116
00:04:55,320 --> 00:04:57,320
Maybe we should just ease up
on Thomas, you know.
117
00:04:57,320 --> 00:05:00,400
Thank you. Gentlemen, I'm sure
you'll be surprised when you see
118
00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:01,880
how easy it is to use, hmm?
119
00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:05,400
THEY SNIGGER
120
00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:08,840
Have you got two knives stuck
together there, mate? Ha-ha-ha!
121
00:05:08,840 --> 00:05:11,800
Do you know what? Forget it.
Oh, mate, come on.
122
00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:12,920
See you later, guys.
123
00:05:12,920 --> 00:05:14,360
Bye! Ha-ha-ha.
124
00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:16,240
Don't forget your fork!
125
00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:18,760
Forky, forky, forky, fork.
126
00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:23,200
I mean, to be fair,
that's actually really handy.
127
00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:27,280
Of course, often when you eat a lot,
particularly quickly,
128
00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:29,680
you sometimes get a little...windy.
129
00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:30,920
HE FARTS
130
00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:34,600
But letting that wind out whilst
eating is considered bad manners.
131
00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:37,280
Keeping it in, though,
well, that can be worse.
132
00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:41,760
More prunes, Ventas?
No, thank you, Emperor.
133
00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:45,520
Dried fig, perhaps?
Not right now. Please yourself.
134
00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:47,800
Oh!
135
00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:49,400
Oh, would you mind, Ventas?
136
00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:51,840
HIS STOMACH RUMBLES
137
00:05:54,360 --> 00:05:56,440
In your own time, Ventas.
138
00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:58,680
SQUEAK
139
00:05:58,680 --> 00:06:00,280
RUMBLING CONTINUES
140
00:06:00,280 --> 00:06:03,160
I wonder if I might
step outside, Emperor.
141
00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:04,440
HE LAUGHS
142
00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:07,560
Certainly not,
I'm not finished eating.
143
00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:09,440
Sit down.
144
00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:10,840
VENTAS FARTS AND GROANS
145
00:06:10,840 --> 00:06:12,880
What is the matter with you today,
Ventas?
146
00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:14,240
Nothing, Emperor.
147
00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:16,200
I'm absolutely fine...
148
00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:18,080
HE FARTS
149
00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:20,040
Ventas? Doctor!
150
00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:21,880
THEY GASP
151
00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:24,040
HE FARTS
152
00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:26,480
It appears Ventas has died.
153
00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:29,360
Oh. What of, exactly?
154
00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:31,440
HE SNIFFS
155
00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:37,040
Of a massive build-up of gas
he held in his toga cuffs, Sire.
156
00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:39,680
Why on Earth would anyone do that?
157
00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:44,400
Well, it would be shockingly rude
for one of us mere mortals to
158
00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:49,000
drop a temple clearer in front of
someone as magnificent as yourself.
159
00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:51,720
Are you saying that none
of you have been prepared to unleash
160
00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:54,000
a scroll ripper in front of me?
161
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:56,360
Well...
162
00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:57,960
Ever? Well, then,
163
00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:02,280
I decree from this moment
forward, anyone may release
164
00:07:02,280 --> 00:07:05,680
an air chariot in front of me.
whenever they need to.
165
00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:09,600
THEY FART AND SIGH
166
00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:12,520
FARTING CONTINUES
167
00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:18,400
Oh, that's so good.
Maybe not all at the same time?
168
00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:22,840
Welcome to Historical
Saturday Kitchen Live.
169
00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:25,000
Yesterday's recipes today.
170
00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:29,680
Let's meat our first
forgotten foodie, Ichtaka the Aztec.
171
00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:31,120
So, Ichtaka,
172
00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:33,320
have you got something
to tickle our taste buds?
173
00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:35,360
Well, hopefully,
I'll tickle them, yes.
174
00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:37,880
This is just a simple dish
that we used to knock up
175
00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:39,960
around harvest time in Aztec Mexico.
176
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,960
Oh, seasonal! That is so me.
177
00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:45,760
I love farmer's markets.
Yeah.
178
00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:48,280
So we had slaves who would help
with the harvest,
179
00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:50,320
but we didn't quite have enough
food to feed them.
180
00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:51,360
So what did you do?
181
00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:53,520
Just whip up, like,
a simple corn salad?
182
00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:55,560
Er, no, we just ate them.
183
00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:58,080
So this is the pot
where we cook the meat.
184
00:07:58,080 --> 00:08:01,360
Oh, I think I can see why
this dish didn't catch on.
185
00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:03,840
Erm... Lisa, can we cut the crazy
cannibal
186
00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:05,800
and maybe start with the next guy?
187
00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:09,200
OK. Cut!
Is this making anyone else hungry?
188
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:11,040
Don't worry, I have washed my hand!
189
00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:14,080
Right. Lose the Aztec and bring in
the next one!
190
00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:20,880
So, late 16th century
Parisian cook, Marcel de Squelette.
191
00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:23,040
Let's hope he's going
to rustle up something
192
00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:25,200
that doesn't involve
human body parts.
193
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:30,120
Can I just check? Does using
ground-up human bone as flour count?
194
00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:31,520
Yeah. Yeah, it does.
195
00:08:31,520 --> 00:08:33,680
Well, we were under
siege at the time.
196
00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:35,880
I don't care. Can we cut?
Cut!
197
00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:37,480
Look, it wasn't a cut!
198
00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:39,000
It was more of a grinding action.
199
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:41,440
Who found these people? Right.
200
00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:43,720
Reset, everyone. Third time lucky.
201
00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:46,960
Let's hope our next forgotten
foodie, Ki Taek,
202
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:50,720
the ancient Fijian, has something
a little more appropriate.
203
00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:52,160
Hi. Thanks for having me.
204
00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:55,120
Back in the day, we Fijians used to
eat with our hands,
205
00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:57,600
except when we were eating long pig.
206
00:08:57,600 --> 00:08:59,960
We'd use this special wooden fork.
207
00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:02,000
Mmm. Yummy! Long pig.
208
00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:03,640
Is that like bacon?
209
00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:06,480
No, no. It's what we called
our enemies when we ate them.
210
00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:08,880
Oh, dear.
It's all organic, though.
211
00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:10,640
Thigh or calf?
212
00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:11,760
Lisa....
213
00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:13,760
Actually, if you snap
the marrow... Lisa!
214
00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:15,920
Right. Next week, it's vegans only!
215
00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:17,920
Hello. Queen Victoria here.
216
00:09:17,920 --> 00:09:20,960
I had many rules for manners
at my dining table,
217
00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:22,880
but most importantly,
218
00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:25,560
you couldn't
start eating until I did.
219
00:09:25,560 --> 00:09:30,000
And when I was finished,
that meant you were, too.
220
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:31,280
CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS
221
00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:37,520
You'd better warm up.
She'll be here in a minute.
222
00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:39,080
I'm sorry...
Sh!
223
00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:41,200
All rise for Her Majesty the Queen.
224
00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:46,600
Do sit down, everyone.
225
00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:48,280
No. No.
226
00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:56,480
Grab your spoon.
227
00:09:56,480 --> 00:09:58,080
Get ready.
228
00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:00,520
What are you talking about?
229
00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:02,480
CLASSICAL MUSIC SPEEDS UP
230
00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:18,240
Hang on! No!
I haven't even started yet.
231
00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:20,160
He took my soup!
Of course he did.
232
00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:23,240
All the food is removed as soon
as the Queen's finished her course,
233
00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:25,640
and she might not look it,
but she is quick.
234
00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:28,000
Why do you think we're all
eating so fast? It's just silly!
235
00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:31,080
What if you haven't finished it?
What if you haven't even started?
236
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:36,080
Get ready.
237
00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:37,800
Eat, man. It's your only chance.
238
00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:42,240
I think I'll have a bit more time
for the main. She can't finish...
239
00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:44,320
No! Please, please, please!
240
00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:47,640
I warned you.
241
00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:49,800
She's a quick eater.
242
00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:51,080
I'm so hungry.
243
00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:53,280
We're on pudding,
and I haven't even had a bite yet.
244
00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:55,520
Speed. It's the only way.
245
00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:57,160
OK. I'm ready.
246
00:11:00,880 --> 00:11:02,200
Mine!
247
00:11:11,240 --> 00:11:12,840
What happened?
248
00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:15,120
This is called Prince Albert's
pudding.
249
00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:19,000
It reminds her of Albert.
250
00:11:20,560 --> 00:11:22,280
SHE WHIMPERS
251
00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:24,120
Um, you've got a bit of...
252
00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:27,480
No, a bit more.
253
00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:30,920
Don't worry about it.
Yep!
254
00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:35,520
Queen Victoria was heartbroken
when her husband, Albert, died,
255
00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:37,960
and she mourned his loss by wearing
black clothes
256
00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:39,560
for the rest of her life.
257
00:11:39,560 --> 00:11:42,000
The Victorians had very
strict etiquette
258
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:44,680
on how and for how long
people should grieve
259
00:11:44,680 --> 00:11:46,240
after someone died.
260
00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:50,480
They also had very unusual things
you could hire for a funeral.
261
00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:52,800
Yeah. I often think of my great
Uncle Ratticus
262
00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:54,280
when I'm eating his cheese.
263
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:56,960
Oh, poor little thing.
Did he die?
264
00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:59,720
No. I'm thinking, "I hope he doesn't
come home early,
265
00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:02,120
"and catch me eating his cheese".
266
00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:09,880
So we'll take the hearse
with the black horses,
267
00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:12,080
and black ostrich feathers,
268
00:12:12,080 --> 00:12:16,240
and the mahogany coffin
with black panels.
269
00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:19,120
Very appropriate, Madam,
if I do say so.
270
00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:22,800
Your father was a grand man,
and he deserved the best.
271
00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:25,480
Have you given any thought
to a professional mourner?
272
00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:28,320
Oh, I mean, I know
they're all the rage, but..
273
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:32,080
..we thought we'd do
the mourning ourselves.
274
00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:33,520
Of course, Madam.
275
00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:37,640
It's just a professional mourner
adds that little extra sadness,
276
00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:40,280
and I believe Baxter is available.
277
00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:42,120
Baxter?
278
00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:43,400
Hello, friends.
279
00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:45,360
Baxter's the name,
sadness, the game.
280
00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:48,960
Who's the unlucky fella, then?
281
00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:50,920
It's my poor father.
282
00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:53,000
Oh, I love a family occasion.
283
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:55,240
Proper wailing and quality nosh!
284
00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:57,760
Are you free on Saturday?
Saturday?
285
00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:00,760
Oh, let me just check the diaroonie,
me old china.
286
00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:03,920
He's quite jolly, isn't he?
Ah, yes,
287
00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:05,960
but that's because
he's on his lunch break.
288
00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:11,600
He'll be back to work in
four...three...two...
289
00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:14,000
..one. I really don't think...
CLOCK STRIKES
290
00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:15,520
My condolences for your loss.
291
00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:18,840
How will we manage without him?
292
00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:21,440
Oh, he's very good, isn't he?
293
00:13:22,680 --> 00:13:24,720
I must regret to inform you,
however, that..
294
00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:30,120
..I already have several bookings
on Saturday,
295
00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:32,480
due to a cart pile-up
on The Strand.
296
00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:36,920
My sincerest apologies,
297
00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:39,880
brave madam!
298
00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:42,120
Oh. Goodness!
299
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:45,920
Do you have anyone else like him?
300
00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:47,640
Um...
301
00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:49,200
Not exactly.
302
00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:51,240
The only other option we have is...
303
00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:53,840
Sid?
304
00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:58,600
You called, ma'am?
305
00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:01,840
Show this nice lady your mourning.
Of course, ma'am.
306
00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:05,760
I'm glad he's dead!
307
00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:07,840
I never liked him, the rotter!
308
00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:09,480
Good riddance to him!
309
00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:12,080
We generally only send him
to funerals of enemies.
310
00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:14,760
I hope he's spinning in his grave!
311
00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:16,240
Death's too good for him.
312
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:19,000
Maybe we should just go with some
more black feathers,
313
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:22,280
and some wreaths?
Yes, that would be fine.
314
00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:24,480
Make sure the lid's on tight!
315
00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:26,640
We don't want him getting out!
316
00:14:26,640 --> 00:14:29,520
Too much. Just...
317
00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:33,880
In the Middle Ages, we knights
abided by the code of chivalry,
318
00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:36,160
a set of rules that told
us how to fight,
319
00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:38,240
how to conduct ourselves
politely,
320
00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:39,800
and, would you believe it,
321
00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:42,040
how to indulge our artistic side.
322
00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:47,280
ROARING AND CLANGING
323
00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:49,120
Thanks, Nigel. Great workout.
324
00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:51,040
Hi, I'm Sir Harry Breaky-Bottom,
325
00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:53,720
and I'm going to show you
the key skills
326
00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:55,680
that are an essential part of
knighthood.
327
00:14:56,680 --> 00:15:01,000
Be sure to like and subscribe,
as I teach you my code of chivalry.
328
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:02,960
Lesson one - Dancing.
329
00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:08,120
Yes, the perfect medieval knight
should be a great dancer.
330
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:12,560
Less is more.
331
00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:14,040
But enough about dancing.
332
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:18,280
Anyone can kill someone
with a sword...
333
00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:19,800
..apart from him now,
334
00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:22,080
but finding a rhyme for turnip?
335
00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:23,840
Well, that's a real challenge.
336
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:25,760
Lesson two - Writing Poetry.
337
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:30,920
F for fern...flip...fern, flip.
338
00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:35,960
Once you've mastered poetry,
it's time to face the music.
339
00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:37,320
Are you calling me a liar?
340
00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:40,120
No, I'm calling this a LYRE!
341
00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:41,600
It's a knight's joke.
342
00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:44,480
Lesson three - Music Appreciation.
343
00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:48,160
TUNELESSLY: I've dug up
a lovely turnip.
344
00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:51,520
Be careful, it's hot,
so don't burn lips,
345
00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:54,360
wiping.
346
00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:56,880
Yes, these really are the
must-have skills
347
00:15:56,880 --> 00:15:59,240
for the everyday
15th century knight.
348
00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:03,200
And don't forget, art.
Yes, I really did paint this myself.
349
00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:05,400
And liking pretty flowers.
350
00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:06,840
Mm, that's so nice.
351
00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:09,320
Harry's online knight school.
352
00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:11,000
The code of chivalry to make you
353
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:13,640
more than just a knight
in shining armour.
354
00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:17,640
Fred! Fred, great news!
355
00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:20,160
I've just heard that the
Rat Queen is single.
356
00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:21,960
If I can impress her enough,
357
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:26,080
maybe she'll marry me,
and make me the Rat King!
358
00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:28,760
I need a crash course
in dating technique.
359
00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:32,800
What can you teach me?
Look, it's all in the eye contact,
360
00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:34,760
so listen carefully.
361
00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:38,640
Mon petit Chou! You and I.
We are meant to be.
362
00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:40,600
We are like two peas in a pod,
363
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:43,080
two halves of the same heart.
364
00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:47,520
Marry me, and together,
we will be queen and king for ever.
365
00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:50,840
I do.
366
00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:54,720
When you've got it, you've got it.
367
00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:56,640
SPLASH
368
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:57,880
Better take over.
369
00:16:57,880 --> 00:16:59,480
He'll be out for a while.
370
00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:03,280
Dating during Puritan times
had very strict rules.
371
00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:06,640
Young lovers had to be supervised
at all times.
372
00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:09,040
And while they were allowed to
talk to each other,
373
00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:11,480
they had to do it using an 8ft tube.
374
00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:16,280
Stop that!
375
00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:19,600
Get inside so you can flirt
in the proper, Puritan manner.
376
00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:25,920
♪ Your parents don't think I'm bad
377
00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:27,920
♪ You've been polite to my dad
378
00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:29,960
♪ If we go too fast, they'll be sad
379
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:32,040
♪ We must court in the right way
380
00:17:32,040 --> 00:17:34,040
♪ All of our parents approve
381
00:17:34,040 --> 00:17:36,240
♪ So time to make your first move
382
00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:38,120
♪ Via a shiny brass tube
383
00:17:38,120 --> 00:17:39,920
♪ And keep it in our way
384
00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:41,960
♪ Our lives, they are changing
385
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:43,960
♪ Our marriage, they're arranging
386
00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:45,960
♪ Your hormones might be raging
387
00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:48,240
♪ But there's no touching, baby
388
00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:49,640
♪ Hey, I just met you
389
00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:52,480
♪ And this is crazy
390
00:17:52,480 --> 00:17:54,360
♪ But here's my call tube
391
00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:56,480
♪ So court me, maybe
392
00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:58,680
♪ I'm not allowed to
393
00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:00,520
♪ Touch you, baby
394
00:18:00,520 --> 00:18:02,480
♪ But here's my call tube
395
00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:04,080
♪ So court me, maybe
396
00:18:07,760 --> 00:18:10,040
♪ My parents think you're a catch
397
00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:11,880
♪ Yours think we'll make
a good match
398
00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:14,160
♪ I think you're an itch
I could scratch
399
00:18:14,160 --> 00:18:16,000
♪ But something's in our way
400
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:18,040
♪ And as we talk more and more
401
00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:19,840
♪ I think it's you I adore
402
00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:22,000
♪ But this bundling board
403
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:24,000
♪ Has been put in our way
404
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:25,840
♪ This is to see if I can
405
00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:27,960
♪ Sleep next to a real man
406
00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:29,960
♪ In a way that's PUR-I-TAN
407
00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:32,880
♪ You can still use the
trumpet, baby
408
00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:34,560
♪ Getting to know you
409
00:18:34,560 --> 00:18:36,360
♪ And this is crazy
410
00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:38,280
♪ But here's my call tube
411
00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:40,320
♪ So court me, maybe
412
00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:42,480
♪ We are together
413
00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:44,560
♪ But separated
414
00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:46,520
♪ Love regulated
415
00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:48,680
♪ Keeps parents happy
416
00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:52,520
♪ We are romancing puritanically
417
00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:54,000
♪ I think I like you
418
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,400
♪ Let's get married, maybe
419
00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:58,520
♪ We can get together
420
00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:00,800
♪ And have a baby.
421
00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:02,480
♪ Won't need my call tube
422
00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:04,840
♪ When I'm your lady. ♪
423
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:11,000
You're at a Georgian piano recital,
424
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:14,240
and someone across the room
has caught your eye.
425
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:15,560
What do you do?
426
00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:18,960
Speaking to them would obviously be
the height of bad manners.
427
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:22,520
But don't worry. Help is at hand,
thanks to...
428
00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:25,160
..Georgian fan messages.
429
00:19:25,160 --> 00:19:29,600
You can say everything without
actually saying a word.
430
00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:31,800
But make sure you use
the correct signals.
431
00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:37,680
Because getting it wrong
could backfire terribly.
432
00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:43,440
And, remember, Georgian Fan Messages
433
00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:47,080
is available in a handy travel size.
434
00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:50,200
In case you get your,
"I wish to know you betters"
435
00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:53,000
mixed up with your,
"Meet me outside".
436
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:55,680
Also, be careful who you
aim your fan at.
437
00:19:56,720 --> 00:20:01,440
Sending a message to the wrong
person can have dire consequences.
438
00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:03,360
I'm sure it'll be fine.
439
00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:06,320
At least you've got your fan
to hide behind.
440
00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:08,000
Please fan responsibly.
441
00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:10,560
Good day.
442
00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:13,720
I am famous scientist
Charles Darwin,
443
00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:16,680
discoverer of the theory
of evolution.
444
00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:21,160
I also try to be scientific
in my own personal life.
445
00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:25,200
So how did I decide whether or not
to marry my cousin, Emma?
446
00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:28,840
Did I...?
447
00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:44,400
And the answer is B.
448
00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:47,320
I compared a list of all
the good and bad points
449
00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:49,120
about getting married.
450
00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:54,880
Yes, I decided that getting married
was a good thing.
451
00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:57,240
The monkey jury was a close second,
452
00:20:57,240 --> 00:20:58,960
but early tests proved...
453
00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:01,600
MONKEYS SQUEAL
454
00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:03,720
..difficult.
455
00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:06,960
In Tudor times, how do you show
the man of your dreams
456
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:08,680
that you're into him?
457
00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:10,280
You use Pitz!
458
00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:14,720
You smell amazing! Thanks.
It's the apple in my armpits.
459
00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:16,680
Ah!
460
00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:19,480
Pitz! You slice, you peel,
461
00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:21,280
you stick it in your armpit.
462
00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:23,480
Make a lasting impression with Pitz!
463
00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:25,680
Do you come here often?
464
00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:29,200
I'm sorry. Why do you have apples
in your armpits?
465
00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:31,120
So I can give it to someone I like.
466
00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:35,960
SPLAT
467
00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:38,360
I know you're watching me walk away.
468
00:21:38,360 --> 00:21:40,880
Pitz absorbs the ladies'
natural smells
469
00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:43,400
so their true loves
can remember them.
470
00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:46,680
Pitz, used by women, loved by men.
471
00:21:49,360 --> 00:21:50,920
Just not like that!
472
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:59,320
Today on Historical Love Island,
473
00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:01,760
it's time for personal trainer,
Matt,
474
00:22:01,760 --> 00:22:05,480
to couple up with one of our
three remaining historical hotties.
475
00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:09,600
Will he crack on with Chiara,
the Austrian peasant?
476
00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:12,920
Will his roaming eye pick up the
Roman rag trader Cassia,
477
00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:17,080
or couple up with gorgeous Georgian
Jane Austen?
478
00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:18,760
This is really tricky for me, like,
479
00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:20,760
because, obviously,
you're all well fit,
480
00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:24,160
but I think I'm going to go
with number...
481
00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:31,160
..three.
Oh!
482
00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:34,360
He's gone for stunning storyteller
Jane Austen.
483
00:22:34,360 --> 00:22:35,560
I was looking her up, yeah,
484
00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:38,960
and it says she likes Reading,
which is where I grew up.
485
00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:40,200
It's pronounced "ree-ding".
486
00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:43,360
Nah, it's not, mate.
I grew up there, so...
487
00:22:43,360 --> 00:22:48,200
I thought the men in this villa
would be like those in my novels.
488
00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:54,680
Brooding and sensitive, like
Mr Darcy in Pride and Prejudice,
489
00:22:54,680 --> 00:22:57,000
which is available in
all good book shops.
490
00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:02,920
So, can modern man Matt
navigate the many rules
491
00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:06,120
of Georgian courtship
and woo our writer?
492
00:23:06,120 --> 00:23:09,160
Jane...
Oh! You used my Christian name!
493
00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:11,280
Well, we are engaged.
Oh, sorry, babes.
494
00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:13,760
Don't just stand there.
We must walk as we talk.
495
00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:16,520
What, are you trying to reach
your 10,000 steps or something?
496
00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:18,600
You must know that it is
impossibly vulgar
497
00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:22,200
for a young lady to stand around,
talking to a gentleman.
498
00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:25,080
What would people think?
That we're having a chat?
499
00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:28,400
All he has to do is bring a card to
my family home during his
500
00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:31,200
morning calls which, of course,
only happen in the afternoon.
501
00:23:31,200 --> 00:23:33,360
He must never acknowledge me
if I have an older sister
502
00:23:33,360 --> 00:23:36,040
of marriageable age until
she herself has found a husband.
503
00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:39,080
Yeah, I'm pretty sure you
would have lost Matt at "card".
504
00:23:42,320 --> 00:23:43,960
Oi, oi, gorgeous!
505
00:23:43,960 --> 00:23:45,520
Fancy a dance?
506
00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:48,240
Well, I suppose a dance
could be appropriate.
507
00:23:48,240 --> 00:23:49,840
Whoa! Without gloves?
508
00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:51,640
Unthinkable!
509
00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:52,880
Cheeky.
510
00:23:52,880 --> 00:23:56,120
All right, then.
Let's dance the night away.
511
00:23:56,120 --> 00:23:58,000
The night?
512
00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:00,640
Any true gentleman knows
that a lady would never honour him
513
00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:03,760
with more than two dances
in an evening, unless...
514
00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:05,640
Unless, what?
515
00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:07,960
..unless you mean us to be married?
516
00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:10,320
Ooh! No, thanks. You're all right.
517
00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:12,080
It all makes sense now.
518
00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:14,680
The bare, naked hands.
The use of my Christian name...
519
00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:16,920
It's actually all moving a bit fast
for me, Jane.
520
00:24:16,920 --> 00:24:19,400
I know. I shall need some time
to consider my response
521
00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:22,040
before you meet with my father
and draw up the marriage contract.
522
00:24:22,040 --> 00:24:24,400
Yeah. You take your time with that,
babe.
523
00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:26,920
In fact, whilst you're thinking
about it, I might just go
524
00:24:26,920 --> 00:24:28,800
and check out what Chiara's up to.
525
00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:30,520
Laters, yeah?
526
00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:32,440
Oh! What a shame.
527
00:24:32,440 --> 00:24:33,920
He was flames!
528
00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:42,400
Oh! She's coming. She's coming.
529
00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:44,680
This is my big moment.
530
00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:46,920
I'm going to use everything
I've learned from history
531
00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:49,160
and everything I've learned
from you, Fred,
532
00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:51,200
and make her my queen.
How do I look?
533
00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:53,360
Like you've been crawling
inside a bin,
534
00:24:53,360 --> 00:24:54,800
my little cheese cracker.
535
00:24:54,800 --> 00:24:56,880
Then I'm ready.
536
00:24:56,880 --> 00:24:58,560
Your Majesty.
537
00:24:58,560 --> 00:25:00,960
Charmed, I'm sure.
538
00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:03,760
Who is this handsome chap?
539
00:25:03,760 --> 00:25:05,520
Well, my name is Rattus.
540
00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:11,640
Not you, you smelly scruffbag, the
tall, handsome fromage in the suit!
541
00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:13,880
Your Majesty. Enchante.
542
00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:16,000
Je m'appelle Fred.
543
00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:18,280
I hear you're looking for a king.
544
00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:20,400
I think I've found him.
545
00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:21,800
Come on, you.
546
00:25:21,800 --> 00:25:23,120
Au revoir, Rattus.
547
00:25:23,120 --> 00:25:26,320
I'll send you a postcard
from the palace. Cheerio.
548
00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:30,240
Well, if that's not bad manners,
I don't know what is.
549
00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:33,800
Still, there's plenty more to learn
about courtship rules.
550
00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:36,360
This guy from Ancient India
wrote the book on them.
551
00:25:40,600 --> 00:25:43,800
This is a nice restaurant, isn't it?
Yeah.
552
00:25:43,800 --> 00:25:46,560
The waiter was very...
553
00:25:46,560 --> 00:25:49,160
..professional. Yeah, he had
one of those little pads...
554
00:25:49,160 --> 00:25:52,760
They have those, don't they, to...
555
00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:55,200
..write the order on?
Yeah.
556
00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:58,360
I need the bathroom, actually, so...
557
00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:05,080
Well, this date is going terribly.
558
00:26:05,080 --> 00:26:08,240
Sorry, who's that?
Hi, I'm Vatsyayana,
559
00:26:08,240 --> 00:26:11,680
esteemed dating expert of
the third century BC,
560
00:26:11,680 --> 00:26:15,920
and I'm here to teach you the
thousands of rules of courtship.
561
00:26:15,920 --> 00:26:18,760
Thousands of rules?
Each more complex than the last.
562
00:26:18,760 --> 00:26:21,520
You see, courtship
has an intricate etiquette.
563
00:26:21,520 --> 00:26:23,760
And if you screw it up, even once,
564
00:26:23,760 --> 00:26:25,320
you're guaranteed to die alone.
565
00:26:25,320 --> 00:26:27,160
But do what I tell you,
566
00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:31,320
and a lifetime of marital happiness
awaits you.
567
00:26:31,320 --> 00:26:32,840
Or at least a slightly better date
568
00:26:32,840 --> 00:26:36,880
than the one you're currently
experiencing. Duck! She's coming.
569
00:26:36,880 --> 00:26:38,760
Well, perhaps we should
order some starters.
570
00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:40,200
No, the rules of dating state
571
00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:43,720
that the first part of courtship
should be entirely without pleasure.
572
00:26:43,720 --> 00:26:46,640
That way the rest of your lives
together will feel like bliss
573
00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:47,960
in comparison.
574
00:26:47,960 --> 00:26:50,240
The soup looks nice...
Actually, no starters.
575
00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:52,960
This date should be
entirely without pleasure.
576
00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:55,320
In which case,
it's going very well so far.
577
00:26:55,320 --> 00:26:58,520
Courtship etiquette states that you
should not be sitting on chairs.
578
00:26:58,520 --> 00:26:59,880
Tell her to sit on the floor.
579
00:26:59,880 --> 00:27:01,360
Do you want to sit on the floor?
580
00:27:01,360 --> 00:27:03,360
I'm quite comfortable here,
thank you.
581
00:27:03,360 --> 00:27:06,240
You're not meant to feel
comfortable during courtship.
582
00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:07,760
Just let me talk to her!
583
00:27:07,760 --> 00:27:11,400
NO! If you want to impress her, then
offer her some gentle courtesies.
584
00:27:11,400 --> 00:27:12,880
What gentle courtesies?
585
00:27:12,880 --> 00:27:15,800
Nuts, flowers, sweeties.
586
00:27:18,840 --> 00:27:21,880
Sorry. Were you talking to
the plant? No.
587
00:27:21,880 --> 00:27:23,600
Where did you get them?
The plant.
588
00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:27,720
Do you want them?
They're gentle courtesies.
589
00:27:27,720 --> 00:27:30,960
No, do you know what?
I'm actually going to go.
590
00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:34,600
She's going! Don't worry.
There's one final devastating move
591
00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:37,240
that will definitely work.
Great. What is it?
592
00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:39,280
Get down on your knees and beg,
593
00:27:39,280 --> 00:27:41,800
Please, oh, please, marry him.
594
00:27:41,800 --> 00:27:44,760
I know he's not much of a catch,
and he has really,
595
00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:47,720
really bad breath,
but he is desperate to please.
596
00:27:47,720 --> 00:27:49,960
Just when I thought this date
couldn't get any weirder.
597
00:27:49,960 --> 00:27:52,760
See you around, maybe, then?
Yeah. Yeah, sure. Maybe.
598
00:27:55,240 --> 00:27:56,840
You hear that?
599
00:27:56,840 --> 00:27:59,640
"Maybe." See?
The begging works every time.
600
00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:03,440
Now, let's order. I'm starving.
601
00:28:06,400 --> 00:28:08,640
It's me, Diomedes!
602
00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:10,320
HE STUTTERS
603
00:28:12,400 --> 00:28:15,360
So... No, it's not Jess, it's Jane!
604
00:28:17,160 --> 00:28:19,520
♪ The past is no longer a mystery
605
00:28:19,520 --> 00:28:21,200
♪ Hope you enjoyed....
606
00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:25,080
♪ ..Horrible Histories. ♪
45411
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof