Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians

♪ Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

♪ Horrors that defy description cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes, Punishment from ancient times

♪ Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

♪ Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages

♪ Mean and measly Middle Ages

♪ Gory stories, we do that

♪ And your host, a talking rat

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to...

♪ Horrible Histories. ♪

Horrible histories presents...

Chaotic Collabs.

History is full of wonderful achievements that show what happens

when great minds collaborate.

Sadly, it's also full of disasters that happen when a bunch of idiots

get together, and of all those collabs,

few were as disastrous as the early 20th-century secret group

of Serbian revolutionaries, known as the Black Hand gang.

PHONE RINGING

Pick it up. I'm not getting it. I don't want to get it.

You have a better phone voice.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it,

is to assassinate the Archduke Franz Ferdinand,

the heir to the Austro-Hungarian Empire.

Killing him could help us become part of a new Yugoslavia.

We've tried to assemble the best assassins.

Unfortunately, they were not available...

FART ..so you will have to do.

We'll do it.

The Archduke will be undertaking a tour of the city this afternoon.

Now, listen carefully, because this is how

the assassination will go down.

Muhamed Mehemedbasic, you will go first.

You'll see the Archduke approach, and you will fail to do anything,

because you also see a policeman.

There's a policeman there, so I can't do it,

because he might stop me.

Oh, great, they've thought of everything.

Next to go will be Vaso Cubrilovic.

You will be in an ideal position to take the Archduke

down with either bomb or pistol.

But your indecisiveness means you will somehow manage not

to use either.

Hey! Where do you think you are going?

Nedeljko Cabrinovic, you will be the third assassin.

Your attempt is particularly stupid.

You will throw your bomb at the Archduke's car,

and do so, so badly...

Take this Austro-Hungarian swine!

..it bounces off his car and hit another vehicle.

Sorry!

Cvjetko, Popovic, you will try, and somehow fail, to chase

down the slow-moving car.

Never get away from me now!

God!

A stitch, I can't breathe.

Why did I have that sausage?

Finally, Gavrilo Princip, once everyone else has failed,

the Archduke's driver will unexpectedly take a wrong turn,

and begin to reverse right in front of you.

You will shoot the Archduke. Don't shoot.

But when you try to escape...

You'll never take me alive.

..you just get arrested.

You're under arrest.

You fail to get away with it, but do succeed in starting

the First World War.

This message, and most of the continent of Europe

will self-destruct in five seconds.

They say teamwork makes the dream work, well

that was more like a nightmare.

I'll tell you what else is a nightmare, my new PooTube channel!

I've got one subscriber and that's me!

I can't believe I gave myself a thumbs down.

Do you know what? I need to bring in one of those, what do they call now?

Oh, yeah, influencers, to get my popularity up.

There's a crocodile here on Instasewer that's got hundreds of

thumbs up floating across his screen.

Although that might just be what's left of the people he's eaten.

Hmm. Still, it's got to be worth a try.

I am desperate, and thinking about it,

people in history have worked together for a far worse

reasons than this.

Like these two 19th-century gentlemen.

With a week to go before important midterm exams,

headteacher Leslie Winkworth has had to fire his business studies

teacher, because of some unfortunate business.

Welcome to Historical Educating.

It's important that our students learn about business

in the real world.

And who better to get them ready than two successful businessman

who collaborated in the 19th century?

-Class 7 -C's new business studies teachers are Burke and Hare.

Hi, kids, so we are here to teach you about our simple

but effective business model.

Hands up, who's heard of...

..murder?

A few of you, good start.

I was out of work, and my house had burned down,

but that's when I met Mr Hare.

Things weren't going well for me either.

A man had died owing me money. There was no way of getting it back.

Or was there?

They stole the dead body, and sold it to a doctor to practise anatomy

on for cash.

And I got told off when I didn't do my homework last week.

He owed me £4, and we got nearly £8 for the body,

that's 100% profit.

What a business.

Ah, but there's just one problem, where do you get more bodies?

Me, me, me!

They've got it. They've got it.

Their names are awfully familiar, it can't hurt to Google them.

Here we are - Burke and Hare, killed people and sold their bodies.

You, just, give me...

So you have just found a dead body, do you A,

tell the relevant authorities?

Or B, sell the body to the highest bidder?

Let's role-play.

Hello, Doctor...

Mr Winkworth, you are just in time.

Obviously.

My office, now, please.

Let's go to the office. Thank you.

Oh, the doctor's going to the office.

I'm not disputing the success of your business model,

it's just a small matter that murder is a crime.

Would it help if we focus more on stealing the dead bodies?

Still a crime. Right.

There were no hard feelings.

They even gave me this notebook as a leaving gift.

I mean, it's got a weird kind of leather, are those freckles?

Ahhh!

Howdy.

She's Bonnie and I'm Clyde.

In the 1930s, we become famous in America for our glamorous

lifestyle as celebrity criminals.

We robbed banks, shops, people, and we killed anyone who got

in our way. We were lovely. Pew, pew.

But what happened when we robbed a small bank in Missouri?

Was it A, the bank had already been robbed, so there was nothing

left to take?

B, the bank had run out of money, so there was nothing left to take?

Or C, the bank had been converted into a police station,

so we were arrested?

The answer is B, the bank had run out of money.

Yup, the local people were so poor, they had no money to save,

so the bank was empty.

Turns out crime really doesn't pay.

Like, literally.

Pew, pew, pew. Brrrrr!

Yes, and before you say anything,

the crocodile collaboration didn't work out.

I thought we should do more live streaming about celebs,

and he thought I should just shut up and let him eat me.

Luckily, I've had an e-mail back from another influencer called

Gemma Pebbles, and as you might have noticed,

I'm going to need a better laptop, cos this one's got two mega-bites.

Yeah, two mega-bites.

Still, maybe Gemma Pebbles can help after all.

We could form a power couple, like this ancient Egyptian power

couple - Pharaoh Akhenaten and Queen Nefertiti.

Together, they started a religious revolution.

It's just after 1300 BC in Egypt.

And King Akhenaten and Queen Nefertiti have decided

to celebrate their new dynasty by sprucing up the old gods.

Yo!

Ideas people in the house.

They've decided to work with PR specialists,

Sophie and Sebastian, to smooth over this new era.

Let's cut right to it.

What can your gods do?

Anubis, God of Death, but what if he was God of Dance?

Hit it.

No, this does not please us.

OK, time for a lifestyle change.

Take the Sun God, Ra.

I mean he's in Giza, but he ain't really a geezer,

am I right? Brilliant.

OK. Then check this.

Ra-laxing!

We could do with a more relaxed style of art.

She shoots, she scores. 15-love.

Right, let's mash it up then.

Here's boring old Thoth and his mate Anubis.

Gods of yawn! But check this - mash-up!

Thothanubis!

Rolls off the tongue. Thank you for your ideas.

You're welcome. They have been most helpful.

Really? No-one's ever said that to us before.

They are so terrible, they have made my decision very easy.

Yeah, sounds more familiar.

We do not need all these silly gods with their dances and mash-ups,

we will replace them with the one God, Aten,

the Sun God, ruler of us all.

Seriously? Are you sure you want to take it that far? Yes!

We are going to need some serious moves for this.

Don't even worry about it, I got it.

That'll do it.

No.

Not even tiring.

She likes it.

Horatio Nelson, war hero...

..and amorous admiral, find out more in this week's

Ahoy! Magazine.

If three's a crowd, then what's four?

Naughty Nelson is up to no good.

Oh, he does like to be beside his bit on the seaside.

Emma Hamilton, the dancer who's gone from rags to riches

to become the most painted woman in Great Britain.

Together with our great noble strategist, they're the most

delectable duo of the 1790s, but who is the lovely lady who's won

the admiral's admiration?

I started at the bottom with nothing, but through sheer

beauty and grit, I made my way to the top of society and found

the love of my life.

Oh, very nice of you to say so, dear.

I wasn't talking about him, that's just my husband, William.

That's right, she's got a husband.

Sorry I've got to leave you both and go off to my important job

as a diplomat, I do hope you find something to do.

Oh, I'm sure we will think of something.

But Emma isn't the only one who is married.

Nelson is too, meet Mrs Nelson.

Of course I've heard the rumours, but I'm confident there's

nothing in them.

Not here long, Fannie, I'm staying at Emma's.

Forgot my toothbrush.

Set sail with Britain's hottest couple, and their actual husbands

and wives, only in this week's Ahoy! Magazine.

Does anybody mind if I go out for a bit?

No!

OK, time to meet Gemma Pebbles.

She's American, she's got loads of subscribers,

and is actually my distant cousin.

Hey Rattus, how are you doing big guy?

Yeah, I'm good, how are you?

OMG, I am so happy to be collabing on this project.

We've just got to give you a bit of a glow up. Yes, well, I...

This look you've got going on, boring! Boring!

Not that I'm throwing shade or anything, I'm just...

Ahhh!

Yep, that's not going to work out.

I guess sometimes working together doesn't go as well as you'd expect.

Even for some of history's greatest duos.

Take mountaineer, Sir Edmund Hillary,

and his Sherpa, Tenzing Norgay, together they became the first

people to stand on top of the highest mountain in the world.

Their journey wasn't exactly smooth either.

Not long now, Tenzing.

Watch your footing, Hillary, there's a crevice. What? Oh!

Hang on, Hillary! Help me, Tenzing!

I can't hold it much longer!

Oh, there's a sandwich down here.

Tenzing!

That was close. Well, there's no need to thank me.

I know, I know.

Well, I mean, it's just I saved your life is all.

It's no big deal.

I know. That's why I'm not thanking you. It's your job.

You're a Sherpa, you're a local guide to the mountain,

and I'm totally cool with it being all in a day's work for you.

OK...

Come on!

Some people might send a card, I owe you my life,

that sort of thing, but if you think

a small thank you is inappropriate, then fine.

Guys!

You are not the only people on this climb,

now will you keep up, please!

Sorry, chief.

OK.

We will camp here before two of us make the final ascent to the top

of Mount Everest.

The two I choose will be immortalised.

Oh, oh, oh!

People will still talk of their achievement in 100 years' time.

The first two men to conquer the highest mountain

in the world will be...

Please, please, please...

..Tom Bourdillon and Charles Evans.

What? Shut the tent flap.

Oh, and if they don't make it, Hillary and Tenzing can go next.

Yes!

Good luck, guys. Break a leg.

OK, bye-bye.

Enjoy the mountain.

Do we get a tent?

Britain and America have a long history of collaborating

in what is often referred to as a special relationship.

For example, during the Second World War, Winston Churchill

and President Roosevelt worked very closely with each other.

In fact, sometimes they worked a little closer than

they would've liked.

I need to talk to Winston about the pact between our two

great nations to fight the Nazis.

Well, yeah, I know, Mr President, it's just that right now,

he's... It's OK, he's expecting me.

Well, at this precise moment...

I need to talk to the Prime Minister!

What's wrong with you?

As you say, sir.

SINGING

Come in, come in!

SINGING

Oh!

Ah, Mr President.

I'm sorry, Mr Prime Minister, if I had known, I would've...

No, no, no, nonsense.

I have nothing to hide from the American president.

I can, er, see that.

I'm afraid there are some wrinkles... I mean, problems.

Congress want their mound... pound of flesh.

I'm afraid I see troubles bubbling.

I might give you five minutes.

Britain needs American help in this war, Mr President.

You scrub my back, and I'll scrub your...

I'm not doing that, for a start.

I mean perhaps we could come to an understanding,

a loan of money and guns.

I need oil. Petrol or diesel?

No, lavender.

I'll get that for you! I'll get that for you.

Ah!

Mr Prime Minister, if we could focus on what you nude.

Need! What weapons will en-nipple you - enable you to fight.

I wish you weren't naked. I need everything.

My army is cut-off in France, and Germany are knocking

at the door. My whole front's exposed.

It certainly is.

This is such an important conversation, Prime Minister,

is there no way we could have it somewhere else?

All right, let's retire to my office.

Excellent, where is that? My bed.

Get your Jimmy jams on.

You know, if you behaved a bit more regular,

it might be easier for me to convince my government

to help you. Yeah.

Pass me the towel.

Oh! That breeze is fresh.

That is going to be with me for some time.

We did it!

The first people to climb Everest!

It's really quite humbling.

Petty thoughts and quarrels melt away when you see the world

stretched out before you. In your face, Bourdillon and Evans!

They did get very close.

They were only 100 metres from the top when they had to turn back.

100 metres? We'll set in Imperial distance,

about two losers?

Smile!

Yak's cheese!

This is a great moment, Tenzing.

You and I will have a bond that will last forever.

We are brothers, you and I.

What's mine is yours.

Thank you, Edmund. Here, let me take your photo.

Pass me the camera. Absolutely not. What?

You just said what's yours is mine.

Yeah, but I didn't mean actual things.

It's brand-new, it's very complicated and expensive.

Complicated? You point it at something and press a button.

No, you point it and press two buttons.

It's a sophisticated technique.

Come on, we better get back to the others.

Wait, this is a momentous occasion, we should,

we should leave an offering.

Here.

A tiny cross.

And some sherbet lemons. Oh, yeah, nice.

We leave these six sherbet lemons as a token of hope for mankind.

We leave these four sherbet lemons as a token of hope to mankind.

I do love a sherbet.

So about who actually got to the top first?

We should never tell.

Yes, right, cool, keep schtum.

They finally made it, here they come.

Their words will echo through history.

We knocked the blighter off. Or maybe not.

Well done, you two.

So who was the first one to set foot on the summit?

We agreed that we will never tell.

It was a team effort.

That's right, the moment I pulled up Tenzing to join me on the summit,

I said that we'd never tell.

Getting to the top was a solemn moment,

I only wish that Hillary could have shared it with me,

but he hadn't got there yet.

As I stood on top of the mountain alone,

I knew that I would always keep the secret of who got

up there first. How would you have got there first, huh?

You weren't even there at the time.

Well, we will see what it says in my autobiography.

Yes, and be sure to include the photos.

Oh, I will.

The photos that show only one of us at the top of the mountain.

Oh! I forgot about that.

OK! Fair enough, it was a group effort, Tenzing.

Tenzing?

Guys!

Tenzing!

Tenzing!

OK, let's give this another go.

I was like no way, and he was like yes way.

Hey, Gemma Pebbles, Gemma, Gemma Pebbles!

Gemma!

How did you get all those emojis?

I just like talking, all my fans click me some love.

That's got to be worth a go.

Hey, Rattus fans, what's up?

You know what I'm saying?

I'm like, hi, you guys, don't forget to like,

comment, subscribe.

Oh, that's charming, I've finally got viewers,

but they're all trolls.

I knew collaborating would cause problems when I started out,

but I guess I still think it's worth it,

even the most famous playwright ever,

William Shakespeare, had help.

Right, thanks for coming again, guys,

Mr Ben Johnson, Mr Shakespeare,

I've laid out some snacks for you, you know, mead, some jam on

biscuits. Whatever, Middleton, look, are we still brainstorming

that Scottish play of Shakespeare's?

It's called Macbeth, and it doesn't need brainstorming,

I wrote it ten years ago, and people love it.

I think it just needs a bit more rawr for the big King J,

so let's collab guys, I mean there's work TBD,

you get me?

No, I don't. Is there something missing?

There's nothing missing.

Oh, oh, a cannon!

Health and safety. Oh, how about witches?

You see, you only ever suggest witches.

OK, mister, a parade of powerful Scottish kings,

like King James. Yes! I like that.

Led by three spooky witches.

Why are you so obsessed with witches?

I'm not obsessed with witches, you're obsessed with witches.

You're writing a play called The Witch, and you even brought

a copy of Reg Scot's Discovery of Witchcraft

to the meeting, aka, witch-opedia.

Wordsmith.

All of this sort of hocus-pocus supernatural stuff is actually

pretty trendy at the moment, I mean, the king is really into it.

It's already got three fairies in it.

Yeah, but he loves witches way more, you know?

Loves the hags with beards.

Fine, swap the fairies for the witches.

Great! Result.

Anything else?

I was thinking we should include a musical number.

Oh, yes, now you are talking, everyone loves a good song.

We could just nick a couple of songs from one of my plays.

I was thinking...

♪ They were in love but there was a hitch

♪ He was a king, and she was a... ♪

What are you doing?

CRASHING SOUND AND CAT MEOWING

Pub? Yeah.

I'm starting to think this play is cursed.

Hello, Queen Victoria here.

Now, sadly, not all collaborations are harmonious,

some are downright disastrous.

Even putting together two of the greatest writers of all time

was no guarantee of success.

Take the unfortunate case of Charles Dickens

and Hans Christian Andersen.

Good news, dear.

I'm considering embarking on a collaboration with one

of the world's greatest writers.

Oh, as long as it's not Hans Christian Andersen,

I hear he's... Hello! It is me!

I'm Hans Christian Andersen!

Wah-wah!

Oh, no. Oh, do you like my book, The Emperor's New Clothes?

I have come to stay for two weeks,

because your naughty husband asked me to.

I'm sorry, I didn't think he'd actually come.

Oh, you are Mrs Catherine Dickens!

You must be who your dear husband

based the lovely character of Agnes in his book,

David Copperfield.

Well, actually, he based her on my sister.

Thank you for bringing that up.

Isn't it going well?

Now, which of your children is going to shave me?

How long did you say he was staying?

Oh, staying just a few days.

No, silly, it's 14 days!

Now, let's play hide and seek.

Ready or not, here I come.

Oh! Two weeks will just fly by.

Why? Why? Why?

Oh, thank goodness, you've finally asked him to leave.

Oh, no, he just got a bad review.

Tinpot, Tin Soldier, three stars.

Oh, cruel world!

Oh, I hate writers!

Yes, I... Hang on, I'm a writer.

And your point is?

It's not been so bad having him here, has it?

I mean, he's really got the children's creativity flowing.

They've been sat writing for days.

Oh, yeah, writing things like, "Please go away, Hans."

"The Princess and the Pea Brain."

"Please don't make me shave him again."

Happy now, and ready for shave.

Quick, get out!

It's no worry. He'll be gone soon.

There's no way I'm going to risk having him around when

the Queen comes to see my one-man play next week.

Oh, how was the performance?

It was wonderful.

I cried all the way through, loudly.

It was only spoiled by this little old lady

who was disturbing your husband at the end.

I made her feel quite uncomfortable, so that she went away.

Queen Victoria? Mm-hmm.

Oh, Charlie, are you writing our first collaboration?

"Get out of my house," ooh, strong opening.

"You are destroying my life."

Oh, it's very powerful!

"I don't care how many brilliant children's stories you wrote,

"go and write them somewhere else, you deeply annoying DUMBELINA."

I love it, I can't wait to get started!

But first, can I have a shave?

Ah!

I'm Hans Christian Andersen.

Wah-wah!

My collabs didn't exactly work out how I expected them to,

but my cousins have started following me, so now

I've got 28,000 followers.

That'll teach me not to send Christmas cards.

No matter what I do, it seems to cause trouble.

Maybe that's just a part of collaborating.

You have to take the rough with the smooth.

Thinking about it, even one of the most famous creative

groups of all times had their arguments.

Yeah, those romantic poets, they were a bit less romantic

than you might think.

♪ Yeah

♪ Oooh

♪ I wandered lonely as a cloud that floats on high o'er vales and hills

♪ When all at once I saw a crowd, yeah

♪ Wordsworth, though I rate your nature hot-take, go riff on a cliff

♪ Or go jump in a lake

♪ You may be inspired by your environment, but I write about me

♪ The scandalous Byron

♪ My name is Keats I've got all the right beats

♪ Like Wordsworth I love the nightingale tweets

♪ I'm not as posh as them and that's a big concern

♪ But I wrote an ode to a Grecian urn

♪ Beauty is truth and truth is beauty

♪ You're just a cockney oik No need to be snooty

♪ Nature is a crazy mama

♪ The key to life and all its drama

♪ Romantics love to get the feels

♪ We imagine big We don't keep it real

♪ Yeah, yeah You're an awful writer

♪ Your epic tales are lame They're all about your ego

♪ You're just jealous of my fame

♪ You don't have to struggle There's no fire in your belly

♪ I leave that stuff to Percy Bysshe Shelley

♪ Let's change the world Our poetry sings

♪ Of dangerous power of queens and kings

♪ Men must assert their rights to grow

♪ But don't forget the ladies Hello

♪ Romantics love to get the feels

♪ We imagine big We don't keep it real

♪ I died ignored They were gigantic

♪ Now how about we hear from a New Romantic

♪ My story will blow you away

♪ I'm Mary Shelley and here's what I say

♪ On a holiday in Lake Geneva

♪ We got a bad story-telling fever

♪ Talked late at night of tales that affect us

♪ Frightening fables of ghosts and spectres

♪ One terrifying story of mine

♪ Inspired me to write Frankenstein

♪ That scary monster is your claim to fame

♪ Yeah, and people still think Frankenstein was the monster's name

♪ Romantics love to get the feels

♪ We imagine big We don't keep it real

♪ I was like a rock-star hero

♪ We had fame too but Keats got zero

♪ 25, I died of TB

♪ I was 29 when I drowned at sea

♪ I lived to 36 but that was it for me

♪ And I was dead by 53

♪ Unlike them I was late and great-y

♪ Lived to the ripe old age of 80

♪ Life is short and cruel and frantic

♪ Nature lives on

♪ That's so Romantic. ♪

We're going to need some seriously... Sorry.

HE TALKS GIBBERISH

PARP

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. ♪