Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians,

♪ Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

♪ Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

♪ Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

♪ Gory stories, we do that

♪ And your host, a talking rat

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to...

♪ Horrible Histories. ♪

Horrible Histories presents...

Hey, what's up?

Tutankhamun here, 18-year-old pharaoh of Egypt.

Welcome to my crib!

Or should I say crypt?

As this is where I'm coming when I'm dead.

Awkward!

Check these out. Socks and sandals woven with gold.

Feet on fleek!

And what's this? Real leopard skin and fake leopard skin.

Bejewelled!

I've got to look good when I die. I'm going to be a god.

And do you know what else I've got to do?

Accessorise!

♪ Tutankhamun Ho!

♪ Tutan, Tutan, Tutankhamun Ho!

♪ Tutan, Tutan, Tutankhamun

♪ Yo, here's the thing Check out my bling

♪ It's all tat-for-Tut

♪ Got more illicit gifts than Jabba The Hutt

♪ Like this thing on my skin

♪ So thin and leopard-y

♪ Leopard wasn't real So I was never in jeopardy

♪ Your normal loincloth comes with maybe 50 stitches

♪ Look at mine, 200 In the house with my britches

♪ I'm the head of the gang Macho man, Mr Boss

♪ Though I'm partial to a weave, eye-liner and lip-gloss

♪ Take one look at my togs

♪ Everybody loves my collection of gloves

♪ Have a good look down there

♪ I'm a king of stylish underwear

♪ Listen to the people diss you Everyone sing

♪ You can't take it with you

♪ But I say don't be gloomy

♪ Look and see how my tomb is so roomy

♪ Tutan, Tutan, Tutankhamun Ho!

♪ So many things to show you as you come into my portal

♪ No idea how long before I wake Cos I'm immortal

♪ Got a jackal-headed God With the funny pointed ears

♪ These jars are for my organs Lungs and stomach go in here

♪ This little board of senet Sure I'll get some games in

♪ With no-one else to play against I'm always going to win

♪ Got this monogrammed fan to help me keep a cool head

♪ Cos you never know how hot you're going to get

♪ When you are dead

♪ I'm going to pop my clogs surrounded by gold and jewel dogs

♪ Take away your breath

♪ Oh, not literally, please

♪ I'm scared of death

♪ Hope is a mortal thing

♪ It's true Otherwise all this bling

♪ Is fine for surviving captive

♪ But personally I'd rather live. ♪

Ugh!

It's true.

When Tutankhamun died, aged just 19,

he really was buried with a wardrobe fit for a pharaoh,

just so he could show off in the afterlife.

You know, maybe I could learn a thing or two

about fashion from history.

Normally, the only things I wear are the bits of bog roll

that get stuck to me in the sewers.

HE SNIFFS

Oooh-hoo-hoo! I stink!

But if you were partial to a pong,

luckily the Egyptians had an answer to that too -

one of the very first perfumes.

From ancient Egypt comes a new fragrance delivery system.

Hello?

Fat-Head.

Is there someone there?

Fat-Head.

What is that alluring smell?

Who are you?

Fat-Head.

That's an unfortunate name.

Wow, you smell amazing.

What is that on your head?

Fat-Head sits in a cone on your head and melts during the day,

spreading the fatty aroma across your skin.

It's animal fat dripping down my face, mixed with herbs.

Shh!

You had me at animal fat.

Fat-Head.

It's fat on your head.

Fat-Head.

Bit harsh.

Senators Vespasionus and Antonius.

Enter.

With your permission, can we just do it from over here?

No, you cannot have my permission.

Enter! Come closer to your emperor.

Right. It's just these togas...

RIPPING

Senators, what are you doing?

It's been a while since we've worn these full five metre togas,

Your Majesty.

Your law insisting we wear them is making things a little...tricky.

The toga is meant to be complicated.

Our control over the cloth

represents our control over the Empire.

Walk with me. Do we have to?

Since the time of the Etruscan kings,

the toga has commanded respect and dignity,

not to mention honour...

CLINKS

OK.

We use the wool to support our industries

and the control we show when we fold the toga

represents our total control over our people.

Total control, yeah!

Argh!

Ahhh-ha-ha-ha.

Reminds me of my uncle Quintus.

It is essential to maintaining the rule of law that all senators

wear the toga while working.

Now, leave me.

We shall try, Your Majesty.

RIPPING

SOLDIER LAUGHS

Right, that's it, soldier!

The toga must be respected!

I'll have your head for this!

Oh! But first, how are you with knots?

Turns out rats and five metres of toga fabric

don't mix well either.

Where is the door in this thing?

Do you know, I don't think Roman fashion is quite for me.

But what about Viking fashion?

When they invaded Britain, they made quite an impact,

and not just with their axes.

Has anyone got any scissors?

Who gave us Vikings permission to be so gorgeous?

Nobody. We didn't need it and neither do you!

Now, we just raided this village

and we found this Saxon.

That smells like a real ass.

He means donkey! Cheeky boy!

But we're going to give this Saxon some sass.

I know that we Vikings have a reputation for burning farms

and taking things, but we're actually going to give you

a heck of a lot of self esteem.

Although, to be fair, when we're finished,

we probably will still burn down his home and kill his family.

We're totally crazy!

Just try and take me through what you're thinking

with this because, I mean, I've had helmet hair in the past,

but this is ridiculous.

It's just sort of normal Saxon hairdo, isn't it?

Hair-DO? More like hair-DON'T! Am I right?

You're single, you're desperate, but don't worry, we're here to help.

We are like family!

Honestly, I'm fine as I am.

Seriously. Shush, when we're doing this.

How do you think that us Vikings get all the ladies?

Kill their husbands? Yes, we do do that a lot,

but we also take something that's called a bath.

I take baths. Every single week?

Sometimes. You know, special occasions, weddings.

People around here obviously don't get married often!

Do you know why? Because they are filled with creepy crawlies.

Let's get rid of these. With this comb.

And I'm thinking we're going to turn these lank locks blonde,

so it's popping! With this special soap.

Close your eyes. Why?

I'm just going to remove some of this bush.

Ow! That really hurt!

Not as much as having your head cut off.

Well, yeah, obviously, but, come on, maybe that's enough now.

Just getting some earwax out with my tiny spoon.

This is going great!

When we first met Dave the Saxon, he barely bathed

and his haircut was totally 400 BC,

but now look at him.

OMV for Viking!

Not only did we spruce him up with some Viking soap

and a hair comb, we gave him some bang up-to-date threads

and filed grooves in his teeth to really glam up that growl.

Oh!

Yeah!

Thanks, guys, I actually feel really great about myself.

And you look great.

And we still have one last surprise for you.

Viking treasure?

Or maybe some of that soap so I can keep myself clean?

No, we're not going to kill you!

HE CHEERS

Now go get yourself a Saxon woman.

Hi, there. Viking!

Oh.

Hair still looks good.

Yeah, plenty of body.

If you think that's strange, get a cartload of this.

In the late Middle Ages,

big foreheads were the in-thing for posh women.

And they went to some pretty extreme and painful lengths

to make themselves look good before they went out.

OK, girls.

It's time to go out. We need to look good, don't we?

What's the big event?

We're just going to walk up and down town, very slowly,

showing off our clothes, like we usually do.

Oh, what? To all the other people walking up and down very slowly

showing off their clothes? Yes, babe.

What is everyone using to soften their skin?

I used rose water on mine.

I'm using boiled lemon rinds. Nice!

I washed in my own urine.

You what, babe?

Lemon rinds. I did the lemon one.

OK. Oh, hey, can I borrow some tweezers?

Got to get that oval look, you know? Are my brows too thick?

No, babe.

Not if you wanted to look like a bear. Ha-ha-ha!

Isabel knows what's up.

Pow. Your eyes are like a room without a roof.

Oh, my gosh, thank you.

Wait, we need to get pale first.

Like a marble statue pale.

What are you using?

I'm using raw egg, lead and vinegar. You?

Oh, sour milk. Standard.

Cecily? Cecily, why have you got leeches in your ears, babe?

Leeches are so natural and healthy,

I barely feel like I'm going to pass out.

OK, babe. So, to really set off this look, yeah,

we've got the latest shoes from Venice.

Oh, my!

Zoccoli!

I call them chopines, like the French do.

Only the wealthiest aristocrats wear these.

Are these 20 inchers? Almost.

We're going to look so important in these.

Hold on. Oh, no. Go together. Go together. OK. All right?

I am there.

KNOCKS AT DOOR

Oh, it's the boys! Come in!

ALL MEN: Ladies.

ALL WOMEN: Boys.

You is looking fine. Has you lot grown?

It's our chopines.

Whoa. Sick. Those are lit.

And we're rocking our poulaines now.

Check it! Sweeeeeet.

Shall we?

ALL: Yes.

Can you come to me?

No, no, don't!

Ow, ow, ow!

Has anyone seen my leeches?

You know, those pointy poulaines, they're not as stupid as they look.

No. In fact, they're pretty useful down here in the sewer.

Mind you, they're pretty dangerous if you're a fish.

Talking of danger, being ready for battle back in the day

didn't mean you couldn't be fashionable. Oh, no.

Pimped armour was big business in Tudor times.

And two of the most powerful men in Europe,

King Henry VIII and the Holy Roman Emperor Maximilian,

they actually had a beef as to whose was the best.

What's up, England?

This is your king speaking,

Henry V-three in the place to be.

I want to start by giving a big shout out to my main man Maximilian,

the Holy Roman Emperor, and general all-round dude.

Check out what he sent me.

So cool! He has the best armour makers.

You can't get it in the shops, so don't try.

Peace out.

Hello, everyone. Maximilian I, here.

So pleased to hear that my friend Henry VIII likes his armour.

Mostly my own work, actually.

If you want to read more about my skills as an armourer,

then why not check out The White King.

All my personal techniques are in here.

I guess my armour is the...

What do you mean, they've gone?

What up, subjects?

Henry VIII fans, I am so excited.

I've hired some new armourers, and check out what they made me.

MUFFLED SPEECH: Isn't this amazing?

Isn't this amazing? Shaboy!

Can we invade somewhere? No? OK. Peace out.

He stole my armourers.

I thought we were BKFs, Best Kings Forever.

Henry, you know, good luck living with yourself.

Maxi I out.

Whatever. He said he made the armour.

It is in his book. So what's the problem?

Unless he's exaggerating,

and it was his guys doing all the work.

Am I right, Maximili-liar?

He is what? Dead?

I've just heard that Maximilian I, Holy Roman Emperor

and good friend of mine, has died.

How did he die? Injuries from falling off his horse?

Armour a bit heavy, was it?

I mean, come on.

And, of course, commiserations to the family.

Your father was a great man.

And the second greatest armourer ever.

Peace out.

I like your necklace. Oh, thank you.

Your Majesty.

SHE LAUGHS

No, I'm not the Queen.

Oh! Your Majesty.

No, no. That's not the Queen either.

Oh! That's the Queen.

Oh, dear. What this?

I'm Esme, Your Majesty, your new lady-in-waiting.

What are you waiting for?

The fashion police to come and arrest you? Ha.

Don't worry, babes. I'll sort you out.

So, what are we going for? Jet black, blonde?

THEY LAUGH

I'm only messing with you. I'll mix up some red hair dye.

Like the Queen. If you want to get ahead, you've got to go red!

Here we are. Some cumin, saffron, celandine.

Oh, lovely.

And some toxic sulphur powder.

SHE GAGS

And you need to be paler.

I'll just pluck off your eyebrows.

Put a bit of white lead and vinegar foundation on,

bit of rouge, and you'll feel like a queen.

That sounds...

SHE RETCHES

Come on, then. It's time to meet the Queen.

THE QUEEN: So I cut off his head.

LAUGHTER

Your Majesty. Your new lady-in-waiting.

Oh, goodness, what have you come as?

Uh?

I'm joking.

SUBJECTS LAUGH

I love the look. #TeamRedhead.

Ah!

Very natural looking, hm?

Of course, mine really is natural.

Yes, I just woke up like this.

SOMEONE SNORTS

Who laughed?

Oh, look! Your nose is bleeding.

Is it?

Yes. Oh, dear.

I'm rather faint.

Typical superfan, overwhelmed by my complexion.

Well, take her away. She's bleeding on my shoe.

You might think fancy dress parties were a modern invention.

But, even in Georgian times,

people liked to dress up in funny costumes.

King Louis XV of France and his mistress, Madame Pompadour,

met at a masked ball.

She was dressed as a simple shepherdess,

while his costume was "hedging" toward something even more unusual.

Your Majesty, Madame de Pompadour.

Madame de Pompadour, His Majesty Louis XV of France.

SHEEP BLEATS

Hello.

Is the king invisible?

What game is this?

Bonjour, Madame Pompadour.

Sacre bleu. He is invisible.

No, Madame. Here I am.

Ah! A talking hedge! Do not be alarmed.

It is I, King Louis XV.

Hello! I and seven of my courtiers have come to the ball

dressed as hedges.

Say bonjour, monsieurs.

Ah, possibly that is a real hedge.

But why, my king, have you come dressed in this bushy manner?

It is so that I may meet beautiful ladies like yourself,

unseen by prying eyes, especially the Queen's prying eyes.

I do not care who sees us, Your Majesty.

Come to me! Ow, twig!

Pardon, Madame. I need pruning.

Not for me, Your Majesty. Oh, gardener!

A world of brambles could not come between us.

We shall be lovers for life.

Oh, run your branches through my hair!

What is this?

I am gone a few seconds

and then you make the passion with my courtier?

Ugh, Monsieur!

Ah, no, that is a real bush again.

This time I shall make no mistake.

Oh, Madame.

Your Majesty!

TRICKLING

Oh! Oh, my love.

Is it raining?

It smells like...

What are you doing!?

Get out of here!

Go behind the curtains like everyone else.

Run your branches through my hair.

No, my love, that is a real bush again.

I know.

Flamboyant costumes were all the rage in the late 18th century.

And none more so than those worn by the Macaronis,

whose wigs and make-up were ridiculous

even by Georgian standards.

Fashion was becoming more and more extreme,

until a trendsetter called Beau Brummell

helped to change everything.

Oh, my garters.

Tonight is going to be rah.

Because I spy the absolute Lord of Banter.

HE LAUGHS

Just to be clear, though, I am the Lord of Shropshire.

Oh, I know. Just to be clear. Jokes.

Hey, mate, what happened, did your wig, like, shrink in the wash?

Mate, I'm only half-dressed.

Giles! Yes, coming.

Living the dream.

OK. You're welcome.

Oh, mate, that barnet is on fleek. No, it's on my head.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, mate, look, look, look.

Buckle brogues. Buckle brogues. Yah.

Whoa, don't scuff my butts.

Buttons. Oh, right. Good point.

Man got to keep them fresh.

Um. Ask me the time.

What's the time?

Don't know, never learned to tell it.

But check my new buttons. Why?

Cos they're clocks. Oh, nice.

That's why I said about the time.

They're going to slay.

Oh, and mate, need any cotton balls?

I'm just going to stuff my face.

Mate, jealous of the puffy face.

Where is Cuthbert? Cos he might be missing all the jokes.

Good day, gentlemen.

Oh, my days.

You can't go like that, your clothes are looking mank.

OMG. Are you a dandy now?

Quite right, Bartholomew. I was once a Macaroni like you,

and now I'm a dandy.

Beau Brammell introduced me to the style.

It's quite the thing. Apologies for the late arrival.

I was bathing. But you had a bath yesterday.

I bathe every day now.

Why? Seriously?!

Mm-hm. What's more, it took me four hours to choose the perfect cravat

and polish my shoes in champagne.

Whoa. They look sticky to me.

Not to cast aspersions, gentlemen,

but I was rather feeling ready for a style

that was a little less silly.

Hold me back, bruv.

Don't do it, he's not worth it.

Ow, ow. Sorry.

Your wig, sir.

Do you want me to secure it to the top,

or are you going to plonk it on and hope for the best?

Of course I don't want you to, don't be so silly. Leave us!

So saucy.

Shall we, gentlemen?

I just swallowed my cotton balls.

MUFFLED SPEECH

SPITS

I said I can see why this look went out of fashion.

Being stylish in Victorian times wasn't easy either,

especially when the latest clothing caused quite a stir.

You know what? I don't think I've got the neck muscles

for this wig after all. It's rather heavy.

Ugh!

SPLASH

Where do you think you're going dressed like that, young lady?

But, Daddy, they're just bloomers.

All the girls nowadays are wearing them.

Just bloomers?

You're practically dressed like a man. If you go out like that,

people will be discussing the size of your ankles.

No, no, no. What's next?

A cane and a bicycle?

Actually, yes. No, no.

You get up those stairs right now and dress like a proper young lady!

But, Daddy, it's the 1890s.

You can borrow one of my corsets if you like, darling.

You're both so old-fashioned.

I hate you!

Young women these days.

Bloomers indeed.

Whatever will they think of next?

Hm. Where do you think you're going dressed like that, young lady?

But Daddy, it's just a dress.

All the girls are wearing them nowadays.

Just a dress?

You can practically see your knees in it.

I mean, what's next? A bobbed haircut?

Oh!

Right, you will go upstairs

and you will put on something more appropriate, young lady.

But, Daddy, it's the 1920s.

You can borrow a pair of my bloomers if you like, darling.

You're both so old-fashioned. I hate you.

Young women these days.

Knee-length skirts, indeed.

Whatever will they think of next?

Hi, guys.

And welcome to our GloomTube channel,

where, no matter what time it is, it's always mourning. Sad face.

Yes, we're going to show you, our Victorian mourners,

how to dress after death,

because the fun doesn't just stop at the...

No, Lily.

That's what I say.

I have been in mourning for just eight years.

Are you OK, hun?

I am OK, Violet. Can I tell you why?

It's because black doesn't have to mean boring.

I got these jet earrings.

You can personalise them with a lock of the deceased's hair.

Oh, nice.

And the earrings don't come with a dead person's hair in them.

You're going to have to get that from the dead person themselves,

or from a...

BOTH: Specialist catalogue.

Obviously, we've been in mourning for ages.

But, if you're new to it, firstly, I'm sorry for your loss.

Secondly, do remember to stick to plain fabrics

for as long as poss.

I like to say...

All of this stuff is available to buy,

if you just click on the link below.

And we have 10% off today.

Just type in the offer code "waaa".

And there's three As in "waaa".

We also have these sad times notelets.

Oh, cute!

And a lovely little angel, just in the...

SHE SNEEZES

Oh, dear.

Hm.

Your husband's was that colour

just before he died, wasn't it?

Ugh. Bleugh.

Looks like I've got an excellent excuse to go shopping again.

So, join us...

Sorry, me, next time,

when I'll be covering Victorian corpse photography.

Selfie!

Where do you think you're going dressed like that, young lady?

But, Daddy, it's just jeans and a T-shirt.

Everyone's wearing them nowadays.

A T-shirt is men's underwear.

Go upstairs and put on something appropriate.

Daddy, it's the 1950s.

You can borrow one of my knee-length skirts,

if you like, darling.

Ugh. I hate you!

I'm glad we didn't have shocking fashion

like that in our day, darling.

Me too, dear.

Although I do rather fancy one of those bikinis.

Mary!

Oh, for goodness' sake,

there's got to be something here somewhere.

Ooh. Yes!

This.

What think?

What about this one? No?

Peace, man.

Suit yourself.

Oh, who am I kidding? I look ridiculous in these clothes.

There's only one historical fashion that suits a rat.

It's the gym clothes of the Romans

and the official dress of the Olympic Games.

Ta-dah!

That's right, yeah, nothing.

Just my very own built-in woolly onesie.

Yeah, from now on, I'm leaving the fashion to the professionals.

Like one of the most famous fashion designers in history, Coco Chanel.

She almost single-handedly revolutionised fashion for women

in the 20th century with clothes that were stylish and comfortable.

And her fashion ideas still inspire people today.

HE SNIFFS

I think my onesie might need washing.

♪ Sent to an orphanage at 12 years old

♪ Was better than being hungry and cold

♪ The nuns inspire me and teach me to sew

♪ Then I work in the cabaret They call me Coco

♪ I develop something of a millinery talent

♪ So I own the head shop Tres magnificent

♪ People love my designs They think they're cool

♪ So I start making clothes which break all the rules

♪ Coco Chanel Can't help it if they stop and stare

♪ Coco Chanel The original influencer

♪ Got burned on the beach Wasn't what I was planning

♪ People loved it so much I invented sun-tanning

♪ What's with the corset? It's not for me

♪ I change designs so things are comfy

♪ I like to wear trousers Casual and sporty

♪ I make them from jersey They're a little bit naughty

♪ All the fruitful fashion I think it's a mess

♪ But I also invent the little black dress

♪ Coco Chanel

♪ Can't help it if I'm quirky

♪ Coco Chanel

♪ And my bob is super perky

♪ In 1921, I decided to invent

♪ The ultimate in female scent

♪ And still to this day Many people, where they go

♪ They add a little dab of my No 5 perfume

♪ In World War II, France was occupied

♪ I had a Nazi boyfriend For him I spied

♪ Took a while to bounce back from this

♪ Walked out in the end I was living in The Ritz

♪ Still making new collections age 71

♪ I'll work till I die but I had a good run

♪ Popularised costume jewellery

♪ And the little pretty bag That was also me

♪ Coco Chanel

♪ And this was all about me

♪ Coco Chanel

♪ And I was revolutionary. ♪