Original subtitles

NEW: HORRIBLE HISTORIES -CBI L321 -F/01 BRD000000

♪ Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians

♪ Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

♪ Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

♪ Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

♪ Gory stories, we do that

♪ And your host, a talking rat

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to... Horrible Histories. ♪

Horrible Histories presents...

Hello, Queen Victoria here.

When I was on the throne, my subjects were called Victorians

and they were frightfully clever.

They invented the telephone,

the light bulb, horse spectacles, the umbrella hat

and the bicycle railway.

Well, they can't all be winners.

But possibly our best invention was film.

Yes, for the first time ever,

the world had moving pictures and I loved it.

Well, I would, wouldn't I? I was one of the very first movie stars.

Sir Nicholas, will you join us for breakfast?

Why do you crazy English always insist on eating outside?

It's colder than Siberia out here.

Oh, cheer up, Nicholas, you're on holibobs!

And we have a most interesting diversion planned for today.

Something indoors, I hope?

Announcing the arrival of the royal photographer, ma'am.

Mr William Downey.

Oh, Your Majesty, you look ravishing as always.

Is this it? A photographer?

I don't know how backward you think we are in Russia,

but even we have photographs.

Oh, no, sir.

Queen Victoria is already the most photographed woman in the world.

Does anybody really need another photograph of her?

Charming, I don't hear anyone else complaining.

Not to your face, anyway.

I just meant to say that your subjects deserve something

even better than a mere snapshot of your glory.

May I present...

..my film camera. I shall point this at you

as yous move around and it'll record the moving sequence. And?

And then we'll take the footage and show the entire Empire

and all your subjects will see you

in your full moving magnificence.

It sounds common and obscene.

No-one of royal blood will consent.

Get the whole family together. We're making a film.

At least I get to go inside and warm up, I suppose.

No, sir. We need the light and space provided by the outdoors,

so we'll be outside all day.

I knew I should've visited the King of Spain.

30 degrees in Marbella.

OK, ma'am.

Your Majesty, let's gan for it.

Have you got my best side?

The carriage is just turning around now, ma'am.

So I believe I've caught both your sides.

Which, if you'll permit me, are equally wonderful.

Noted. Gross.

Without further ado, I present the magnificent Queen Victoria

in your first-ever film,

riding around in your carriage this very morning.

So, Your Majesty, any comments? Where are all the colours?

Why is it so wobbly? Is there something wrong with your camera.

This is state-of-the-art equipment, ma'am.

See how clear, how smooth it is?

Of course, it cannot show your full magnificence.

Nicky? Mm-hm?

Do you think the carriage made my bottom look too big?

Erm... No.

Only in the best possible way, ma'am.

Oh! You really are incorrigible.

Play it again.

The British Film Institute, the BFI,

is a society that looks after everything to do with film,

including collecting the earliest films ever.

In their archive, there are mountains of the first movies

and here in the sewers below

are mountains of something completely different.

These films were the first moving pictures that anyone saw

and the Victorians went bonkers for them.

There was one big problem though - they were very short.

In fact, they were only a few seconds long.

I mean, these days that's shorter than the adverts.

Yeah. I'll show you. Do you want to come back with those snacks?

Roll the film, Tony.

Ooh, look at that.

Beg your pardon. Excuse me.

What seat have you got? H5.

Oh, I'm H6. I think we're in each other's seats.

Silly. OK.

If you go fore and I go aft.

It's just... I do have the basket. Yes.

Oh! That's it. Just push...push it. Your gown is out.

RIPPING

I do like an evening out at the cinematograph. Yes.

It's so relaxing. Excuse me.

Sorry, ladies, I just need to... Sorry.

"Just".

A thousand pardons. RIPPING

Argh! Oh, sorry.

RIPPING

Sorry.

Nearly forgot...

..I brought snacks. Oooh.

Pickled onion? Yes, please!

Board du fromage.

Mmm.

Oh. Let's have a bit.

Shh! Shh!

What's your problem? It's not even started yet.

"Dear, sir, further to your letter..." Shh!

Do you mind? Sorry, I need light to read my telegram.

You're not supposed to check your messages at the cinematograph!

Sorry.

Oh! It's starting! I'm so excited, I could spill my cheese!

Oh, I can't wait.

I wonder what it's going to be like. Shh! Shh!

It's exactly like you're really there.

Except everything's in black and white and you can't hear anything.

This is amazing. Shh!

CROWD GASP

What a ride.

Oh, I thought that was fantastic. Right.

You don't think it started to drag about four seconds in?

No, that was the best bit!

Oh. What about that chap with the sideburns, eh?

Wouldn't kick him off a bridge.

Same time next week? Oh, I wouldn't miss it.

You want to make another film?

Are you sure our subjects want to see even more of us

just walking around in circles like big chickens?

Oh, Your Majesty. They're not idiots.

This film will be totally and utterly different.

This time you're going to walk in a straight line.

Ugh! How thrilling!

That's it, ma'am.

Head straight towards the cameras. Look at me. Oh, marvellous.

SARCASM: Exciting enough for you? People walking?

I mean, who would have thought it possible? Can't wait for the sequel.

Oh, do shut up, Nicholas. Sorry.

Oh, thank yous, ma'am. We've got everything we need.

It's in the can, as they say.

So, Your Majesty. Any comments?

Well, it's still a little hazy

and the movements are quite rapid.

It's not entirely what I was expecting.

What did you think, Nicholas? Have a guess.

I thought it was the most amazing thing I've ever seen.

I thought it was stupid when we first shot it,

but there we are up on the big screen, walking around.

We have to make more...

SCRATCHING

We have to make more of this. What if I came back next year

and we could film me dancing?

I can hardly see millions of people watching that, can you?

I'll take that as a maybe.

Bonjour. We are the Lumiere brothers from France.

We invented a film camera

which could also project moving images

on to a screen for a paying audience.

So we basically invented the idea of a cinema.

Pretty good, no?

But what did we say when excited film-makers

wanted to buy our camera?

Was it...

Yes, the answer is C.

We thought cinema had no financial future

and what people really wanted to see was colour photographs.

I mean, who's ever heard of a profitable film?

What about Star Wars? Star Wars?! Pfft. Stupid name.

Did it make any money? Over $8 billion.

Oh, well, I don't regret my decision one bit.

THEY INSULT EACH OTHER IN FRENCH

Yes, the Lumiere brothers really did invent early cinema,

but didn't think there was a future in it.

Luckily there were lots of British film-makers who did,

and they decided to make movies.

All they needed was a gang of actors

who were experts in the subtle, realistic art

of big screen acting.

Sadly, there weren't any. So they got this lot instead.

Here is the famous theatre actor Herbert Beerbohm Tree

playing Shakespeare's King John.

Oh, and don't bother turning up the sound -

these early movies didn't have any.

Ah, William Dickson, film-maker extraordinaire.

Your actors have arrived.

Herbert Beerbohm Tree and company at your service,

ready to perform Shakespeare's Death of King John

for your new fangled camera - all in one breath.

Yes, thank goodness you're here.

Finally. We need to film before it gets dark.

Well, we can always go inside, darling, and use the stage lighting.

No, no, no, no. It's not bright enough.

The camera needs as much light as possible, you see?

That's why we're up here on this roof.

Although I don't like the look of these clouds, so... No problem.

The play is only a couple of hours long

and, frankly, we usually cut half the lines anyway.

People get so bored by Shakespeare.

They want spectacle! Quite.

ECHOING: Drama!

BIRDS FLAP

Yes, but we only have one minute of film.

So I need all of that in 60 seconds.

OK. Right.

King John in 60 seconds, it is.

Action.

A moment. What sort of death would you like me to do?

I'm sorry? How do you want me to do it?

Quickly! And with no sound. We can't record sound.

Yes, darling, but what's my motivation?

For example, I could do remembering the time my dear aunt

broke her ankle in the Alps rescuing a baby rabbit,

then accidentally choking to death on a roast potato.

I really don't mind, just as long as it's quick,

because we are losing the light.

I could do pining away from my broken heart

for discovering my true love has left me for a sailor called Phil.

Curse you, Phil. Yes. Great. Whatever. That's magic.

Just, I really need you to do it now.

Maybe I should just try something a bit conniving,

with just a hint of trapped wind.

It has taken me all morning to set this up.

Now, we are losing the sun behind that cloud.

So will you please just die!

Of course. If that's what you want.

Thank you.

Just make sure you stretch out the death to last a full minute, OK?

Mr Dickson, I am one of the foremost actors of my generation,

darling, I could die all day.

Give me strength. Ready when you are. Action!

Ugh!

My heart hath one more string to stand by.

Look at me!

I'm dying.

I just... And we've run out of film.

Oh, darling, I was just warming up.

As movie-making progressed,

we wanted to film more exciting stuff like this.

A phantom ride movie.

We Victorians didn't have special effects,

so it had to be shot from the very front of a moving train.

But filming them wasn't exactly hi-tech or safe.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hello, am I in the right place? I'm the new cameraman.

Yes. Fantastic. Thank you for coming.

Now this is quite a technical job.

Do you have any experience?

No. Excellent. Neither does anyone else.

That's the thing with new inventions -

we're kind of making it up.

Well, where do you want me to point the camera?

Actually, I just need you to sign this form first.

It just says when something bad happens, it's not our fault.

"When" something bad? You mean "if" something bad happens?

If it makes you feel better to think of it that way,

but we do need "when" on the form.

Oh, OK.

So the work's quite straightforward.

You just point the camera

and turn the crank on the side for 60 seconds.

And when the film runs out, do it all over again.

Well, let's get cranking.

THEY LAUGH

It's a joke. That's...good.

OK, before we start the actual shoot,

we'd like to take you through what to expect. Yeah.

So stand by the camera and just start filming.

Just get some props. Here we go.

HE COUGHS

Whoa!

OK. What is going on?

Seriously? The smoke simulates the steam.

The bucket of water is the torrential rain

that may hit your face

and the cricket bat is the walls of the tunnel

passing very close to your face as we travel 60mph.

Argh! Stop it!

I told you we should have strapped him down, stop him from moving.

You're right, Alan. Get the rope.

The rope? OK, OK. What is going on?

It's a phantom ride film. Phantom ride?

We film a train journey from the front of the train.

So when the audience watch,

they feel like they're racing down the tracks.

That sounds quite cool.

Yes, it's hugely popular.

But it sounds incredibly dangerous.

I mean, you'd have to hire some gullible idiot cameraman

who'd be stuck to the front of the train...

Oh!

Argh! Argh! Get me off of this thing, quick!

HE SCREAMS

1897 saw Queen Victoria mark 60 years on the throne

with her huge Diamond Jubilee celebrations.

It was just like Harry and Meghan's wedding,

except David Beckham and George Clooney weren't there.

Actually, George Clooney might have been, because he's quite old.

Millions lined the streets of London just to get a glimpse of the Queen

and 40 cameramen came from all over the world.

Imagine trying to decide who got the best filming spots.

Settle down now, lads.

Now we all want to film Her Majesty's Jubilee,

and do our country proud.

I don't care about your country. Viva Le France!

Apart from Mr Joly, obviously,

but the rest of us, we're all patriotic British film-makers.

Forgetting someone? I'm from America. U-S-A. USA.

Apart from Mr Aiken, who's from America. And all the others.

But wherever we're all from, we're all film-making colleagues.

So there's room for us all to film the Jubilee procession.

I'll take St Paul's Cathedral. Not so fast.

I've paid a lot of money to film at St Paul's.

Gentlemen, the film-maker and magician John Nevil Maskelyne.

Prove you're a magician.

Very well. Oh. What's that?

Is that something I see behind your ear?

Fair dos, that was an incredible trick.

Fine, I'll film somewhere else.

I choose here. Borough.

I'm afraid Mr Appleton has Borough.

Aye, and then I'm getting the train up north,

developing the film on train,

and then showing it in Bradford tonight. That's real magic.

How about Westminster?

There's a dangerous window ledge you could perch on.

Don't you dare. I bagsied this this window ledge.

I've been practising me balancing and everything. Ohhh!

Oh. That did not hurt.

Well, what would you have me do?

Dingle dangle from a railway on a length of rope?

Don't even think about it.

Can someone help me down, please?

Could somebody please tell me where I can stick my camera.

LAUGHTER

Don't tempt me, sunshine.

Calm down, everyone. Cut. Cut.

That's a horrible laugh.

We're meant to be professionals.

Mr Downing, where are you filming? Well, that's different.

I get the best spot because I'm the Queen's favourite film-maker.

What?!

ARGUMENTATIVE CHATTER

Are you the people filming the procession? That is our honour.

Well, you better get cracking, started ten minutes ago.

Oh, my goodness!

Hey, don't leave me here.

Excuse me. Is she the one in the hat?

No, no, no, no.

Yes, me again.

Queen Vicky, Empress Of India, blah-blah-blah.

Now, my Diamond Jubilee celebrated me

becoming the longest reigning monarch in English history.

Nearly 64 years.

But how did I feel about the idea of a big jubilee celebration?

And the answer is C. I didn't really want to do it at all.

No, no. Far too much fuss,

and I certainly didn't want to pay for it.

Anyway, I hear that Elizabeth II has broken my record now.

Rude.

It's 1897 and Queen Victoria is celebrating

her record-breaking 60 years on the British throne

with a fantastic procession around the city of London.

Let's hear from our royal correspondent Peter Curtsy.

It's an amazing atmosphere here.

Three million people have come down from all over the Empire.

Some are hanging off window ledges just to catch a glimpse

of the Queen's procession.

I see you're surrounded by ordinary British folk there.

Yes, I am. They certainly don't smell ordinary though.

It's awful.

Oi, that's because we've walked 200 miles to get here

and we've slept in a hedge. Why?

Thanks, Peter.

Let's cross now to Sasha Fawn,

who's with Labour Party founder Keir Hardie.

Mr Hardie, today must make you feel proud to be British.

It makes me feel sick.

The royal family is a diseased organism. Right.

Unwholesome parasites.

My friend Connolly calls it a "feast of flunkyism".

And we're back to you, Diane.

Thank you, Sasha.

I think we finally have some actual footage of the royal procession.

There you can see representatives of the Armed Forces

from all around the British Empire, soon to be followed by...

Oh, there she is under the white umbrella.

OK.

At least, I think that was her.

Can we look at that again?

Doesn't she look resplendent?

A happy expression on her face.

Or possibly the back of her head.

It's hard to tell.

But my goodness, that was a moment worth waiting for.

Stay with HHTV News as we replay and talk about this

for the next six hours.

I mean, that literally could have been anyone.

Ah, my 60th jubilee celebrations.

Just a small event in London with three million close friends

and all the family. Well, not all the family.

I didn't invite my grandson Wilhelm.

He was the Kaiser of Germany at the time

and he wasn't invited because on an earlier occasion...

You know when you're at a family event

and your nephew bites his uncle the Duke of Edinburgh's leg.

No? Really?

Well, anyway. That.

Hey-hey! Kaiser Wilhelm here.

This goes out to my grandma, Queen Victoria. Hi!

She just celebrated her Diamond Jubilee.

Here's some of that new film stuff we've got of it.

And if you look at the front of the procession,

you can see, iiiitt's....

..not me. He doesn't even have a moustache.

I'm your oldest grandson and you don't invite me?

Is it because of the uncle-biting thing?

I was young, I was at Cousin Bertie's wedding,

Uncle Alfred was wearing a kilt and he had these big fat juicy legs.

Now I say it out loud, it does sound a bit weird.

But that whole time was weird for me.

So I had this withered arm thing,

Granny Victoria asked her doctors to fix it.

They electrocute me, then strap a freshly killed hare to my arm.

If anything, I'm the one who shouldn't be inviting you

to MY Diamond Jubilee.

OK. I wrote a telegram to Vicky Grandnan's enemy congratulating him

on defeating the British in South Africa.

Hashtag oops.

I really hope this doesn't lead to a bad feeling between us.

Of course, like an enormous World War or something.

Hashtag oops.

So not a huge surprise that Britain ended up a war with them in 1914,

but in 1900, war was already raging elsewhere.

And the people back home in Britain were keen to see moving pictures

of just what was going on.

Unfortunately, some of the film companies were too cheap

to send cameras all the way to South Africa.

So, guess what?

They dressed up some locals and faked it in Yorkshire.

This is 100% real Victorian fake news.

Argh!

Look at him! What's the matter now?

What's the matter?! He's got a great big hole in his chest.

You're meant to be a trained Red Cross nurse,

not getting freaked out over a bit of blood.

No, I'm not a nurse, I work in the hat factory.

Cut.

It's acting, darling. Today you are a nurse. Be the nurse.

OK. What's the matter?

What's the matter? He's bleeding.

It's ketchup, darling.

They've changed it to mud, egg and red paint so...

Look, look. Ed's not actually injured,

we're making a pretend film of the war

so we can show people what it's like over there.

It's fake news, sweetie.

You and Milly just have to pretend to be the Red Cross nurses.

But the war is real.

In South Africa. Yes.

And you're going to be one of the nurses.

OK. Brilliant. I'll go and pack.

Wait, wait, what? What, what, what, what, what, what?

Eh, for South Africa. No, no. We're shooting here.

Oh, no, but we're in Barnsley. Yes.

And just like we're pretending you're a nurse

and pretending Ed's injured,

we're also pretending we're in South Africa.

So what we're doing is we're making a fake war

to show people what it's like in the real war!

So just do what you would do if you were in South Africa.

Got it.

And action!

Argh! Nurse, pass me the medical...

Where you going?

He said do what you do if you're in South Africa.

I'm going to go see the elephants.

HE GROANS

We Victorians were the first to really take to tourism.

Our Empire spanned the whole world,

so it seemed a shame not to go and see it.

Thanks to our latest inventions,

getting there was becoming easier too.

All you had to do was click your fingers,

travel for several days, possibly weeks,

and you'd be there, ready to film your holiday movies.

Witness the miracle of Pompeii in Italy.

You too could see these wonders for yourself.

Visit Pompeii with SpeedyVictorianTravel.com.

It's just a short trip away.

Just travel by train to Dover, ferry to Le Havre

and then train to Paris, then another train to Milan,

then one more train to Venice mainland.

Then it's just a quick four-hour carriage ride

and you're in Venice.

From Venice, it's just a quick two-day hop by cart, train, cart

and finally on foot, and, hey, presto,

just two weeks after leaving home you're in Pompeii,

joining these lucky Victorian adventurers.

Ooh, lovely sun hat.

A thousand years ago, a huge volcano erupted here.

Romans ran screaming for their lives from the very buildings and now you,

yes, you, don't stare,

can see exactly where they were burnt to a crisp,

whilst shopping for tasteful souvenirs.

Then ride a funicular up the side of Mount Vesuvius.

Yes, you can actually walk to the top of this active volcano,

making you the envy of all your friends.

You don't have to walk down like this, but it makes it more fun.

SpeedyVictorianTravel.com are unable to guarantee that Vesuvius

will not explode during part or all of your trip to Pompeii.

Visit Pompeii. It'll blow your stockings off.

Not only were Victorians now using cameras

to film the real world,

they were also using them to film real people,

creating celebs just like Britain's Got Rodents

and the Real Rat Wives Of Clapton Sewage Works do today.

And one of these Victorian stars was this sporting celeb,

who was the Marcus Ratford of his day.

Well, now we've got some shots of you playing outside,

it's time to meet the man behind the bat.

I will say, it's a real honour

to be making a film about you, Prince Ranjitsinhji.

The first Indian to play on the English cricket team.

You're already becoming quite a legend.

To be honest, I'm a little nervous. I've never been filmed before today.

Oh, well, you can talk if it makes you feel more comfortable.

Why don't you tell me about your life? OK.

Well, I arrived from India to attend Trinity College Cambridge.

I say.

We're just making a film over here.

So if you could stop doing that, cos it's a bit distracting.

Terribly sorry. Funny thing,

I could have sworn that Indian chap said he went to Cambridge.

THEY LAUGH

Do carry on.

I'm sorry, this tends to happen quite a lot.

No, no, no. I'm sorry.

Some people are still living in the 18th century. Let's press on.

Well, I joined the Cambridge University cricket team...

I say.

It sounded like the chap said he played cricket for Cambridge.

SHE LAUGHS

Honestly, I get this all the time.

OK. The rest of the team ignored me on the pitch,

because basically they were massive racists!

But that didn't stop me from becoming the first Indian

to win a Cambridge cricket blue.

I say!

Now, look here.

That Indian chap couldn't possibly have won a Cambridge blue.

Only the best win a blue. Quite.

There's only one non-British chap that's ever done it

and that's Prince Ranjitsinhji.

Ugh, this is Prince Ranjitsinhji!

Duck!

Ahh!

I say.

You invented the leg glance stroke, you're a cricketing genius.

How did you get so good?

It is the gift of my race.

The message from my eye to my brain

has no equal among English men.

I think we're just better.

I say! Oh, come on,

how is that even possible?

So there you are.

Next time you're using your phone to film your little sister

with spaghetti up her nose,

or you're watching a goat sneeze on the internet,

just remember it all started with the Victorians.

And...action!

♪ It started with smoke and mirrors and what the butler saw

♪ We had photos but we wanted something more

♪ So Dickson and Edison made something we can't ignore

♪ Pictures that moved

♪ They blew our brains as we sat there facing an oncoming train

♪ At first the films were short and shot outside

♪ People pulling faces, drinking milk and travel guides

♪ As the movies grew to many minutes long

♪ They needed something new to show the throng

♪ So they crashed a rocket in the moon and filmed King John

♪ Drew some pictures, made them move and called it animation

♪ Movie stars got famous Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton

♪ They're just the start of our favourite thing

♪ We don't even mind the queue

♪ On screen our dreams come true

-♪ In 3 -D and sometimes 2

♪ The Moving Picture Show!

♪ You can use your phone to view

♪ And use it to make films too

♪ Be a Minion or maybe Gru

♪ The Moving Picture Show!

♪ They blew our minds when the first actor spoke

♪ Adding colour changed everything at a stroke

♪ Crash zoom, wide screen and the records broke

♪ Special effects Science fiction

♪ Now at home on your television

♪ Star Wars and Ghostbusters were gigantic

♪ But nothing ever really topped Titanic

♪ Yeah, OK, Avatar, don't be pedantic

♪ But now things are really getting frantic

♪ High definition, downloads and motion capture

♪ Crowdfunding Now YouTube is coming at you

♪ Star Wars is back and we are in rapture

♪ Where will it end? We hope it never ends!

♪ We don't even mind the queue

♪ On screen our dreams come true

-♪ In 3 -D and sometimes 2

♪ The Moving Picture Show!

♪ You can use your phone to view

♪ And use it to make films too

♪ Be a Minion or maybe Gru

♪ The Moving Picture Show! ♪

What would you have me do?

Dingle dangle from a railway bridge off a piece of rope.

THEY LAUGH

From a length of rope.

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. ♪