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♪ Terrible Tudors,
gorgeous Georgians

♪ Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights
Dingy castles, daring knights

♪ Horrors that defy description
Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes
Punishment from ancient times

♪ Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

♪ Cavemen, savage, fierce and
toothless

♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages
Mean and measly Middle Ages

♪ Gory stories, we do that

♪ And your host, a talking rat

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to...
Horrible Histories. ♪

Horrible Histories presents...

Hello, Queen Victoria here.

When I was on the throne, my
subjects were called Victorians

and they were frightfully clever.

They invented the telephone,

the light bulb, horse spectacles,
the umbrella hat

and the bicycle railway.

Well, they can't all be winners.

But possibly our best invention
was film.

Yes, for the first time ever,

the world had moving pictures
and I loved it.

Well, I would, wouldn't I? I was one
of the very first movie stars.

Sir Nicholas, will you join us
for breakfast?

Why do you crazy English always
insist on eating outside?

It's colder than Siberia out here.

Oh, cheer up, Nicholas,
you're on holibobs!

And we have a most interesting
diversion planned for today.

Something indoors, I hope?

Announcing the arrival of the royal
photographer, ma'am.

Mr William Downey.

Oh, Your Majesty, you look
ravishing as always.

Is this it? A photographer?

I don't know how backward
you think we are in Russia,

but even we have photographs.

Oh, no, sir.

Queen Victoria is already the most
photographed woman in the world.

Does anybody really need
another photograph of her?

Charming, I don't hear anyone
else complaining.

Not to your face, anyway.

I just meant to say that your
subjects deserve something

even better than a mere snapshot
of your glory.

May I present...

..my film camera. I shall point this
at you

as yous move around and it'll record
the moving sequence. And?

And then we'll take the footage
and show the entire Empire

and all your subjects will see you

in your full moving
magnificence.

It sounds common and obscene.

No-one of royal blood will consent.

Get the whole family together.
We're making a film.

At least I get to go inside
and warm up, I suppose.

No, sir. We need the light and space
provided by the outdoors,

so we'll be outside all day.

I knew I should've visited
the King of Spain.

30 degrees in Marbella.

OK, ma'am.

Your Majesty, let's gan for it.

Have you got my best side?

The carriage is just turning
around now, ma'am.

So I believe I've caught
both your sides.

Which, if you'll permit me,
are equally wonderful.

Noted. Gross.

Without further ado, I present
the magnificent Queen Victoria

in your first-ever film,

riding around in your carriage
this very morning.

So, Your Majesty, any comments?
Where are all the colours?

Why is it so wobbly? Is there
something wrong with your camera.

This is state-of-the-art
equipment, ma'am.

See how clear, how smooth it is?

Of course, it cannot show
your full magnificence.

Nicky? Mm-hm?

Do you think the carriage made my
bottom look too big?

Erm... No.

Only in the best possible way,
ma'am.

Oh! You really are incorrigible.

Play it again.

The British Film Institute, the BFI,

is a society that looks after
everything to do with film,

including collecting the earliest
films ever.

In their archive, there are
mountains of the first movies

and here in the sewers below

are mountains of something
completely different.

These films were the first moving
pictures that anyone saw

and the Victorians went bonkers
for them.

There was one big problem
though - they were very short.

In fact, they were only a few
seconds long.

I mean, these days that's
shorter than the adverts.

Yeah. I'll show you. Do you want to
come back with those snacks?

Roll the film, Tony.

Ooh, look at that.

Beg your pardon. Excuse me.

What seat have you got? H5.

Oh, I'm H6. I think we're in
each other's seats.

Silly. OK.

If you go fore and I go aft.

It's just... I do have
the basket. Yes.

Oh! That's it. Just push...push it.
Your gown is out.

RIPPING

I do like an evening out
at the cinematograph. Yes.

It's so relaxing. Excuse me.

Sorry, ladies, I just need to...
Sorry.

"Just".

A thousand pardons.
RIPPING

Argh! Oh, sorry.

RIPPING

Sorry.

Nearly forgot...

..I brought snacks. Oooh.

Pickled onion? Yes, please!

Board du fromage.

Mmm.

Oh. Let's have a bit.

Shh! Shh!

What's your problem? It's not even
started yet.

"Dear, sir, further to your
letter..." Shh!

Do you mind? Sorry, I need light
to read my telegram.

You're not supposed to check your
messages at the cinematograph!

Sorry.

Oh! It's starting! I'm so excited,
I could spill my cheese!

Oh, I can't wait.

I wonder what it's going to be like.
Shh! Shh!

It's exactly like you're really
there.

Except everything's in black and
white and you can't hear anything.

This is amazing. Shh!

CROWD GASP

What a ride.

Oh, I thought that was fantastic.
Right.

You don't think it started to drag
about four seconds in?

No, that was the best bit!

Oh. What about that chap
with the sideburns, eh?

Wouldn't kick him off a bridge.

Same time next week?
Oh, I wouldn't miss it.

You want to make another film?

Are you sure our subjects want to
see even more of us

just walking around in circles
like big chickens?

Oh, Your Majesty.
They're not idiots.

This film will be totally
and utterly different.

This time you're going to walk
in a straight line.

Ugh! How thrilling!

That's it, ma'am.

Head straight towards the cameras.
Look at me. Oh, marvellous.

SARCASM: Exciting enough for you?
People walking?

I mean, who would have thought it
possible? Can't wait for the sequel.

Oh, do shut up, Nicholas. Sorry.

Oh, thank yous, ma'am.
We've got everything we need.

It's in the can, as they say.

So, Your Majesty. Any comments?

Well, it's still a little hazy

and the movements are quite rapid.

It's not entirely
what I was expecting.

What did you think, Nicholas?
Have a guess.

I thought it was the most amazing
thing I've ever seen.

I thought it was stupid
when we first shot it,

but there we are up on the big
screen, walking around.

We have to make more...

SCRATCHING

We have to make more of this.
What if I came back next year

and we could film me dancing?

I can hardly see millions
of people watching that, can you?

I'll take that as a maybe.

Bonjour. We are the Lumiere brothers
from France.

We invented a film camera

which could also project
moving images

on to a screen for a
paying audience.

So we basically invented
the idea of a cinema.

Pretty good, no?

But what did we say when excited
film-makers

wanted to buy our camera?

Was it...

Yes, the answer is C.

We thought cinema had
no financial future

and what people really wanted
to see was colour photographs.

I mean, who's ever heard
of a profitable film?

What about Star Wars? Star Wars?!
Pfft. Stupid name.

Did it make any money?
Over $8 billion.

Oh, well, I don't regret
my decision one bit.

THEY INSULT EACH OTHER IN FRENCH

Yes, the Lumiere brothers
really did invent early cinema,

but didn't think
there was a future in it.

Luckily there were lots of British
film-makers who did,

and they decided to make movies.

All they needed was a gang of actors

who were experts in the
subtle, realistic art

of big screen acting.

Sadly, there weren't any.
So they got this lot instead.

Here is the famous theatre actor
Herbert Beerbohm Tree

playing Shakespeare's King John.

Oh, and don't bother
turning up the sound -

these early movies didn't have any.

Ah, William Dickson,
film-maker extraordinaire.

Your actors have arrived.

Herbert Beerbohm Tree
and company at your service,

ready to perform Shakespeare's
Death of King John

for your new fangled camera -
all in one breath.

Yes, thank goodness you're here.

Finally. We need to film
before it gets dark.

Well, we can always go inside,
darling, and use the stage lighting.

No, no, no, no.
It's not bright enough.

The camera needs as much
light as possible, you see?

That's why we're up here
on this roof.

Although I don't like the look
of these clouds, so... No problem.

The play is only a couple
of hours long

and, frankly, we usually cut
half the lines anyway.

People get so bored by Shakespeare.

They want spectacle! Quite.

ECHOING: Drama!

BIRDS FLAP

Yes, but we only have
one minute of film.

So I need all of that in 60 seconds.

OK. Right.

King John in 60 seconds, it is.

Action.

A moment. What sort of death
would you like me to do?

I'm sorry? How do you want me
to do it?

Quickly! And with no sound.
We can't record sound.

Yes, darling, but what's
my motivation?

For example, I could do
remembering the time my dear aunt

broke her ankle in the Alps
rescuing a baby rabbit,

then accidentally choking
to death on a roast potato.

I really don't mind, just as long
as it's quick,

because we are losing the light.

I could do pining away from my
broken heart

for discovering my true love has
left me for a sailor called Phil.

Curse you, Phil. Yes.
Great. Whatever. That's magic.

Just, I really need you
to do it now.

Maybe I should just try
something a bit conniving,

with just a hint of
trapped wind.

It has taken me all morning
to set this up.

Now, we are losing the sun
behind that cloud.

So will you please just die!

Of course. If that's what you want.

Thank you.

Just make sure you stretch out
the death to last a full minute, OK?

Mr Dickson, I am one of the foremost
actors of my generation,

darling, I could die all day.

Give me strength.
Ready when you are. Action!

Ugh!

My heart hath one more string
to stand by.

Look at me!

I'm dying.

I just... And we've run out of film.

Oh, darling, I was just
warming up.

As movie-making progressed,

we wanted to film more exciting
stuff like this.

A phantom ride movie.

We Victorians didn't have special
effects,

so it had to be shot from the very
front of a moving train.

But filming them wasn't
exactly hi-tech or safe.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hello, am I in the right place?
I'm the new cameraman.

Yes. Fantastic.
Thank you for coming.

Now this is quite a technical job.

Do you have any experience?

No. Excellent. Neither does
anyone else.

That's the thing
with new inventions -

we're kind of making it up.

Well, where do you want me to point
the camera?

Actually, I just need you to sign
this form first.

It just says when something
bad happens, it's not our fault.

"When" something bad? You mean "if"
something bad happens?

If it makes you feel better
to think of it that way,

but we do need "when" on the form.

Oh, OK.

So the work's quite straightforward.

You just point the camera

and turn the crank on the side
for 60 seconds.

And when the film runs out,
do it all over again.

Well, let's get cranking.

THEY LAUGH

It's a joke. That's...good.

OK, before we start the actual
shoot,

we'd like to take you through what
to expect. Yeah.

So stand by the camera and just
start filming.

Just get some props. Here we go.

HE COUGHS

Whoa!

OK. What is going on?

Seriously? The smoke simulates
the steam.

The bucket of water is the
torrential rain

that may hit your face

and the cricket bat is the walls of
the tunnel

passing very close to your face
as we travel 60mph.

Argh! Stop it!

I told you we should have strapped
him down, stop him from moving.

You're right, Alan.
Get the rope.

The rope? OK, OK. What is going
on?

It's a phantom ride film.
Phantom ride?

We film a train journey
from the front of the train.

So when the audience watch,

they feel like they're racing down
the tracks.

That sounds quite cool.

Yes, it's hugely popular.

But it sounds incredibly dangerous.

I mean, you'd have to hire some
gullible idiot cameraman

who'd be stuck to the front
of the train...

Oh!

Argh! Argh! Get me off of
this thing, quick!

HE SCREAMS

1897 saw Queen Victoria mark
60 years on the throne

with her huge Diamond Jubilee
celebrations.

It was just like Harry and Meghan's
wedding,

except David Beckham and
George Clooney weren't there.

Actually, George Clooney might
have been, because he's quite old.

Millions lined the streets of London
just to get a glimpse of the Queen

and 40 cameramen came
from all over the world.

Imagine trying to decide who got
the best filming spots.

Settle down now, lads.

Now we all want to film
Her Majesty's Jubilee,

and do our country proud.

I don't care about your country.
Viva Le France!

Apart from Mr Joly, obviously,

but the rest of us, we're all
patriotic British film-makers.

Forgetting someone? I'm from
America. U-S-A. USA.

Apart from Mr Aiken, who's from
America. And all the others.

But wherever we're all from, we're
all film-making colleagues.

So there's room for us all to film
the Jubilee procession.

I'll take St Paul's Cathedral.
Not so fast.

I've paid a lot of money
to film at St Paul's.

Gentlemen, the film-maker and
magician John Nevil Maskelyne.

Prove you're a magician.

Very well. Oh. What's that?

Is that something I see
behind your ear?

Fair dos, that was an incredible
trick.

Fine, I'll film somewhere else.

I choose here. Borough.

I'm afraid Mr Appleton has Borough.

Aye, and then I'm getting the train
up north,

developing the film on train,

and then showing it in Bradford
tonight. That's real magic.

How about Westminster?

There's a dangerous window ledge
you could perch on.

Don't you dare. I bagsied this
this window ledge.

I've been practising me balancing
and everything. Ohhh!

Oh. That did not hurt.

Well, what would you have me do?

Dingle dangle from a railway
on a length of rope?

Don't even think about it.

Can someone help me down, please?

Could somebody please tell me
where I can stick my camera.

LAUGHTER

Don't tempt me, sunshine.

Calm down, everyone. Cut. Cut.

That's a horrible laugh.

We're meant to be professionals.

Mr Downing, where are you filming?
Well, that's different.

I get the best spot because I'm the
Queen's favourite film-maker.

What?!

ARGUMENTATIVE CHATTER

Are you the people filming
the procession? That is our honour.

Well, you better get cracking,
started ten minutes ago.

Oh, my goodness!

Hey, don't leave me here.

Excuse me. Is she the one in the
hat?

No, no, no, no.

Yes, me again.

Queen Vicky, Empress Of India,
blah-blah-blah.

Now, my Diamond Jubilee celebrated
me

becoming the longest reigning
monarch in English history.

Nearly 64 years.

But how did I feel about the idea
of a big jubilee celebration?

And the answer is C. I didn't
really want to do it at all.

No, no. Far too much fuss,

and I certainly didn't want to pay
for it.

Anyway, I hear that Elizabeth II has
broken my record now.

Rude.

It's 1897 and Queen Victoria
is celebrating

her record-breaking 60 years
on the British throne

with a fantastic procession
around the city of London.

Let's hear from our royal
correspondent Peter Curtsy.

It's an amazing atmosphere here.

Three million people have come
down from all over the Empire.

Some are hanging off window ledges
just to catch a glimpse

of the Queen's procession.

I see you're surrounded
by ordinary British folk there.

Yes, I am. They certainly don't
smell ordinary though.

It's awful.

Oi, that's because we've walked
200 miles to get here

and we've slept in a hedge. Why?

Thanks, Peter.

Let's cross now to Sasha Fawn,

who's with Labour Party founder
Keir Hardie.

Mr Hardie, today must make
you feel proud to be British.

It makes me feel sick.

The royal family is a diseased
organism. Right.

Unwholesome parasites.

My friend Connolly calls it
a "feast of flunkyism".

And we're back to you, Diane.

Thank you, Sasha.

I think we finally have some actual
footage of the royal procession.

There you can see representatives
of the Armed Forces

from all around the British Empire,
soon to be followed by...

Oh, there she is under the
white umbrella.

OK.

At least, I think that was her.

Can we look at that again?

Doesn't she look resplendent?

A happy expression on her face.

Or possibly the back of her head.

It's hard to tell.

But my goodness, that was a moment
worth waiting for.

Stay with HHTV News as we replay
and talk about this

for the next six hours.

I mean, that literally could
have been anyone.

Ah, my 60th jubilee celebrations.

Just a small event in London
with three million close friends

and all the family.
Well, not all the family.

I didn't invite my grandson
Wilhelm.

He was the Kaiser of Germany
at the time

and he wasn't invited because on an
earlier occasion...

You know when you're
at a family event

and your nephew bites his uncle
the Duke of Edinburgh's leg.

No? Really?

Well, anyway. That.

Hey-hey! Kaiser Wilhelm here.

This goes out to my grandma,
Queen Victoria. Hi!

She just celebrated her
Diamond Jubilee.

Here's some of that new film
stuff we've got of it.

And if you look at the front
of the procession,

you can see, iiiitt's....

..not me. He doesn't even have a
moustache.

I'm your oldest grandson and you
don't invite me?

Is it because of the
uncle-biting thing?

I was young, I was at
Cousin Bertie's wedding,

Uncle Alfred was wearing a kilt
and he had these big fat juicy legs.

Now I say it out loud,
it does sound a bit weird.

But that whole time was weird for
me.

So I had this withered arm thing,

Granny Victoria asked
her doctors to fix it.

They electrocute me, then strap
a freshly killed hare to my arm.

If anything, I'm the one
who shouldn't be inviting you

to MY Diamond Jubilee.

OK. I wrote a telegram to Vicky
Grandnan's enemy congratulating him

on defeating the British
in South Africa.

Hashtag oops.

I really hope this doesn't lead
to a bad feeling between us.

Of course, like an enormous
World War or something.

Hashtag oops.

So not a huge surprise that Britain
ended up a war with them in 1914,

but in 1900, war was already
raging elsewhere.

And the people back home in Britain
were keen to see moving pictures

of just what was going on.

Unfortunately, some of the film
companies were too cheap

to send cameras all the way
to South Africa.

So, guess what?

They dressed up some locals
and faked it in Yorkshire.

This is 100% real
Victorian fake news.

Argh!

Look at him! What's the matter now?

What's the matter?! He's got a great
big hole in his chest.

You're meant to be a trained
Red Cross nurse,

not getting freaked out over a
bit of blood.

No, I'm not a nurse, I work
in the hat factory.

Cut.

It's acting, darling. Today
you are a nurse. Be the nurse.

OK. What's the matter?

What's the matter? He's bleeding.

It's ketchup, darling.

They've changed it to mud, egg
and red paint so...

Look, look. Ed's not actually
injured,

we're making a pretend film
of the war

so we can show people
what it's like over there.

It's fake news, sweetie.

You and Milly just have to pretend
to be the Red Cross nurses.

But the war is real.

In South Africa. Yes.

And you're going to be one
of the nurses.

OK. Brilliant. I'll go and pack.

Wait, wait, what? What, what, what,
what, what, what?

Eh, for South Africa. No, no. We're
shooting here.

Oh, no, but we're in Barnsley.
Yes.

And just like we're pretending
you're a nurse

and pretending Ed's injured,

we're also pretending we're in
South Africa.

So what we're doing is we're making
a fake war

to show people what it's like in the
real war!

So just do what you would do
if you were in South Africa.

Got it.

And action!

Argh! Nurse, pass me the medical...

Where you going?

He said do what you do
if you're in South Africa.

I'm going to go see the elephants.

HE GROANS

We Victorians were the first
to really take to tourism.

Our Empire spanned the whole world,

so it seemed a shame not
to go and see it.

Thanks to our latest inventions,

getting there was becoming easier
too.

All you had to do was click
your fingers,

travel for several days, possibly
weeks,

and you'd be there, ready to
film your holiday movies.

Witness the miracle of Pompeii
in Italy.

You too could see these wonders
for yourself.

Visit Pompeii with
SpeedyVictorianTravel.com.

It's just a short trip away.

Just travel by train to Dover,
ferry to Le Havre

and then train to Paris,
then another train to Milan,

then one more train
to Venice mainland.

Then it's just a quick
four-hour carriage ride

and you're in Venice.

From Venice, it's just a quick
two-day hop by cart, train, cart

and finally on foot,
and, hey, presto,

just two weeks after leaving home
you're in Pompeii,

joining these lucky
Victorian adventurers.

Ooh, lovely sun hat.

A thousand years ago,
a huge volcano erupted here.

Romans ran screaming for their lives
from the very buildings and now you,

yes, you, don't stare,

can see exactly where they were
burnt to a crisp,

whilst shopping for
tasteful souvenirs.

Then ride a funicular up the
side of Mount Vesuvius.

Yes, you can actually walk to the
top of this active volcano,

making you the envy of
all your friends.

You don't have to walk down
like this, but it makes it more fun.

SpeedyVictorianTravel.com are
unable to guarantee that Vesuvius

will not explode during part
or all of your trip to Pompeii.

Visit Pompeii. It'll blow your
stockings off.

Not only were Victorians now
using cameras

to film the real world,

they were also using them
to film real people,

creating celebs just like
Britain's Got Rodents

and the Real Rat Wives Of Clapton
Sewage Works do today.

And one of these Victorian stars
was this sporting celeb,

who was the Marcus Ratford
of his day.

Well, now we've got some shots of
you playing outside,

it's time to meet the man
behind the bat.

I will say, it's a real honour

to be making a film about you,
Prince Ranjitsinhji.

The first Indian to play
on the English cricket team.

You're already becoming
quite a legend.

To be honest, I'm a little nervous.
I've never been filmed before today.

Oh, well, you can talk if it makes
you feel more comfortable.

Why don't you tell me
about your life? OK.

Well, I arrived from India to attend
Trinity College Cambridge.

I say.

We're just making a film over here.

So if you could stop doing that,
cos it's a bit distracting.

Terribly sorry. Funny thing,

I could have sworn that Indian
chap said he went to Cambridge.

THEY LAUGH

Do carry on.

I'm sorry, this tends to happen
quite a lot.

No, no, no. I'm sorry.

Some people are still living in the
18th century. Let's press on.

Well, I joined the Cambridge
University cricket team...

I say.

It sounded like the chap said he
played cricket for Cambridge.

SHE LAUGHS

Honestly, I get this all the time.

OK. The rest of the team
ignored me on the pitch,

because basically they
were massive racists!

But that didn't stop me from
becoming the first Indian

to win a Cambridge cricket blue.

I say!

Now, look here.

That Indian chap couldn't possibly
have won a Cambridge blue.

Only the best win a blue. Quite.

There's only one non-British
chap that's ever done it

and that's Prince Ranjitsinhji.

Ugh, this is Prince Ranjitsinhji!

Duck!

Ahh!

I say.

You invented the leg glance stroke,
you're a cricketing genius.

How did you get so good?

It is the gift of my race.

The message from my eye to my brain

has no equal among English men.

I think we're just better.

I say! Oh, come on,

how is that even possible?

So there you are.

Next time you're using your phone
to film your little sister

with spaghetti up her nose,

or you're watching a goat
sneeze on the internet,

just remember it all started
with the Victorians.

And...action!

♪ It started with smoke and mirrors
and what the butler saw

♪ We had photos
but we wanted something more

♪ So Dickson and Edison made
something we can't ignore

♪ Pictures that moved

♪ They blew our brains as we sat
there facing an oncoming train

♪ At first the films were short
and shot outside

♪ People pulling faces,
drinking milk and travel guides

♪ As the movies grew to
many minutes long

♪ They needed something new
to show the throng

♪ So they crashed a rocket in the
moon and filmed King John

♪ Drew some pictures, made them move
and called it animation

♪ Movie stars got famous
Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton

♪ They're just the start
of our favourite thing

♪ We don't even mind the queue

♪ On screen our dreams come true

-♪ In 3
-D and sometimes 2

♪ The Moving Picture Show!

♪ You can use your phone to view

♪ And use it to make films too

♪ Be a Minion or maybe Gru

♪ The Moving Picture Show!

♪ They blew our minds when the first
actor spoke

♪ Adding colour changed
everything at a stroke

♪ Crash zoom, wide screen
and the records broke

♪ Special effects
Science fiction

♪ Now at home on your television

♪ Star Wars
and Ghostbusters were gigantic

♪ But nothing ever
really topped Titanic

♪ Yeah, OK, Avatar,
don't be pedantic

♪ But now things are really
getting frantic

♪ High definition,
downloads and motion capture

♪ Crowdfunding
Now YouTube is coming at you

♪ Star Wars is back
and we are in rapture

♪ Where will it end?
We hope it never ends!

♪ We don't even mind the queue

♪ On screen our dreams come true

-♪ In 3
-D and sometimes 2

♪ The Moving Picture Show!

♪ You can use your phone to view

♪ And use it to make films too

♪ Be a Minion or maybe Gru

♪ The Moving Picture Show! ♪

What would you have me do?

Dingle dangle from a railway
bridge off a piece of rope.

THEY LAUGH

From a length of rope.

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Hope you enjoyed
Horrible Histories. ♪