All language subtitles for Bert - Den Siste Oskulden

The boy has become a man.

His body is constantly changing
and his appearance is evolving daily.

He gets problems with acne - pimples.

He gets broader across the
chest and his voice deepens.

Hygiene comes into new focus.
His body secretes new scents

that can seem both sharp and malodorous.

The young man is changing socially.
A new spectrum of interest is appearing.

He seeks to find his place in the group
and engage in a hobby.

A girl becomes a woman much earlier.
She is a long way ahead of the man.

She has breasts and a wider bottom,
and she is menstruating.

The young woman cares more
and more about her appearance.

Clothes and outward appearances are
an important element in her day-to-day life.

Everyday life includes conflicts
with parents and siblings

about the most insignificant details.

It is a difficult period in the
development of the individual.

You are frustrated, wanting
to force the maturation process.

You see yourself as more
of an adult than you actually are.

You are changeable and inconsistent.

You have only one thing on your mind:
Am I loved?

Except me. I'm interested in one thing only:
Sex.

With her over there,
Camilla Gevert.

We're going to do it. Understand?
I'm going to get rid of my virginity.

In two and a half hours,
I won't be an old boy any more.

I'll be a young man.

Okay? Full throttle!

Sex sex sex. Life's most important spice.

What the hell are you staring at?

Bert - The Last Male Virgin

Åke, what are we doing here?
- Shut up, Willy.

Bert told us to stand here.
He needs witnesses.

You have to have witnesses
for things like this.

- Are we going to give him a beating then?
- What? No, why would we do that?

Don't you look lovely!
Hi. Don't you look lovely!

Hello. Don't you look ugly-
- Yes, of course—

Now that's enough! She's mine!
- What are you doing?

You can't just come in here and take over!

This is the last time
you'll see daylight!

Feel death! Feel death!

Sex.
- Violence.

Bloody lamp!

Bert?

I've been thinking—

About what we said we'd do now—

I think you should be in a relationship
with the person you do it with.

- Do you want to be with me?

- What I mean is—
Are you maybe—in love with me?

- No I'm not.
Look, a teddy bear.

But-you don't have to be
so fucking picky, do you?

- I am picky.

It has to be someone who feels 1000% right.

Don't you understand?
- No. Please? Just a little?

Camilla, Carl-Philip is here.
- What!

- Carl-Philip? Are they having a threesome?

- He's not supposed to be here until six!

- Carl-Philip?
Not that Carl-Philip from school?

- What other Carl-Philip would it be?

Go out on to the balcony. Bye!
- What am I supposed to do?

- Hell-oo!
- Hi Carl-Philip!

- Have you heard this one?
Two Norwegians were walking along the beach—

We were supposed to sleep with each other!

Hi—

- I think sex is something
you shouldn't rush into just like that.

I waited until I was 27.
A pretty enjoyable experience.

A little sweaty, and that's never nice.

Thankfully there are showers and soap.

- Carl-Philip the destroyer!

- He stole Rebecka, Benny's girl.
Then he stole Björna's girl.

And Jonny's and Christoffer's
and Nick's girls too—

And then he was with the careers advisor.

- They should lock him up somewhere.
- Maybe someone should murder him?

- But he's 16 with a brown belt in karate.

And aikido and mahjong and nasi goreng!
- What?

Lill-Erik is an enemy with the whole
world. He's had a hormonal change.

He's got pimples everywhere
and he's shiny and slippery like soap.

The whole world's little enemy.

Fleece jacket! Fleece jacket, exactly!
See you tomorrow, same time.

These pants were too big for Bert last week.

- My underwear was in the same wash!

- So the whole family wants my panties now?
- I'm going to buy new ones!

- What have I done wrong?
Why is my husband in love with a TV set?

What about me? Why can I never have any fun?
- Never? What d'you mean Never!

- I never go out!
I have to do everything here at home!

- You won't let me do anything!
If I cook, you interfere!

If I do the ironing, you do it again!
I'm not even allowed to do the laundry!

- You've mixed coloureds and whites again!
- Bert's coming.

He's at a sensitive age.
We can't keep quarreling in front of him.

- May I ask—exactly how pleased were you with
your jeans after Dad washed them last week?

At 170 degrees?
- Yes exactly how pleased!

- They chafe my arse, but then so do you!

- Don't use that tone, thank you!
Now you've upset him too.

- It was you started on about the jeans.
He'd just got over it.

- I thought I'd pick up my bits and pieces.
They're probably in your way.

- Good evening.

- Will you all shut the fuck up!
I'm trying to sleep!

- Henry, come in!
- I'll stay here.

- My boxing gloves!
- We don't see much of you these days.

But now you barge in all of a
sudden and take lots of stuff.

- No, anyway I've got Henry.
- And now you ignore me—

- Grandma, get out of here and
take that old bastard with you, too!

- It'll be starting soon now!

Hey, Guy of the Month! It's about to start.
Come and look!

- Svea, we should probably get going now.

- We're going to the cinema.
- Oh, can I come with you?

- Go to Fredrik and figure something out.

Life's so short. It's important
to have fun for as long as you can.

One day you wake up and discover you're dead.

- But Mum—
It feels like I'm already dead.

Then at last he was here!
Guy of the Month - April.

- Guy of the month—Lovely—

Hi there, hello Diary.

Today I didn't lose my virginity—
for the ninth time this week.

I'm lying here smelling of sweat
in Mum's old panties.

Thanks, Dad. Everything is hell.

Thank you and goodbye, unspoilt thing.

We are gathered to say farewell to
a young man who was never allowed to do it.

And when I say "it",
you probably understand what I mean.

The lovely coffin is the colour of virginity.

That was exactly what Bert Ljung
remained throughout his life: a virgin.

I want everyone to say a few
well-chosen words to this young man,

whom we so fervently wished
to experience just one single fuck.

Yes, yes. That's that.

Oh the freedom, Fredrik!
Alone together at last!

Now that Bert is dead, we can
do everything we talked about.

- I know, honey. Travel, go to the cinema,
make babies on the kitchen table—

I knew it'd be you, Bert-butt.
The last male virgin!

OK, God! You get what you wanted! I give up!

From now on, I renounce all sexual contact.

For the rest of my life!

I, Bert Ljung, will never
look at a girl again!

I'm going to be a monk!

Boxes with blue labels are for the kitchen.

Listen!
Boxes with blue labels are for the kitchen!

Boys! Boxes with blue labe—

- Mum, Mum they're from Finland.
-They don't want to take orders from a woman.

Help, please. I think they're
talking shit about Sweden.

You have to do everything yourself.

I was twelve when I lost my virginity.

My French teacher seduced me.

No. I was—I was seventeen.

Or maybe—nineteen.

And it wasn't with the French teacher,
but with Madeleine, my wife.

I haven't actually
done it with anyone else—

but she doesn't know that.

Some truths are
best kept secret.

All the children, then:

Long and thin in vegetable gardens
asparagus strives upwards still

But out there on the football field
the big round balls just bounce away.

Bongos!

Yes! Then we pick up the allegro!

Watch out!
- Asparagus! And balls!

- She's the prettiest one I've ever seen.
- Asparagus!

- Stop! You've been going on
about her for four hours now!

- Balls!

- She lives three metres away from me.
- Asparagus!

- I'm going to get to know her.

Balls!

- Shut the fuck up! You're hurting my ears.

- And so we build an asparagus!
- Asparagus!

- And now the big ball!
- Balls!

- We'll cut the last section here.

Look, here it is.
- Brake, then!

How did you get the job
without a driving licence?

- I just told them I had one.

Nice school. You'll certainly do well here.
Give the headmaster a banana.

- No! I'm in a hurry!
- Kiss kiss, Mummy's little darling!

Victoria Petterson—

This was not an entertaining read.
- No—

- Allow me to give it to you straight:

If you want to have any chance
in today's fierce competition

then you have to study much harder.

That was the sofa.

Let me give you some advice.

I don't want any Stockholm attitude here.

I want to see results quickly.

Everyone has to fight hard to succeed.
You're fired!

Look at me.
I started out with two hands.

And now—Now I have my own school.

It's enough to turn you religious.

Do you have such nice schools in Stockholm?

No, you probably hand out bananas
when you are not vandalising the place.

You think I haven't seen all your mess?
Hats are for outdoors!

Here's the key to your new home.

Welcome to Öreskoga High School.

-Örjan Ågren. In you go!
- No!

No! Hello! Open the door! Help!

Hello? Stop! it Let me out!

Yes, if it hadn't been for you,
I'd have had my own computer company.

Then I'd have had 50,000 a month.

Do you know what my
monthly salary is today? Well?

- 14259.
- That's right.

If I'd known about you lot,
I'd have asked for 114259.

- Better subsistence payments-
- Better subsistence payments.

Åke! It's her! Victoria!

On Wednesday, everything
changed in our class.

All the girls turned
into ugly lumps of dough

and all the guys got
something to dream about.

Let them dream.
Victoria is mine. M. I. N. E.

I will make her a woman
and she will make me a man.

If you want to end your days
as a sex athlete, you have to keep at it.

I'm going to keep at it—with Victoria.

Bu—What? Is she here?

Well. What are you going to do now, then?

Are you ignoring me and Mum?
She says we never have any fun.

You've forgotten last year's summer holiday
in Vemdalsskalet as well?

We had a great time, didn't we!

- Get out! Can't you see I'm fucking?

- What did you say?
- That he's fucking, didn't you hear him?

- Yes, I heard that!

Time for you to have a talk with your son!
- Yes, but I'm in a bit of a hurry just now.

- So do it then!
- Yes! Shrew!

- Today, or else you'll lose your glasses!
- Take it easy. He's only thirteen.

- Thirteen? He's fifteen!

- Fifteen? When did that happen?

- First time for me? Well—

I never touched it. It looked a little scary.

And—he pushed me out of bed.
He hit me so hard that I—

Bang, right down to the floor
and into a radiator.

Four stitches in my head.
Here.

Yes—It hurt so much.

That was the first time.

- Madde, you—
- What is it now?

Did you sleep well?
- No, I didn't.

- The bed should be here next week.
It probably fell off outside Västerås.

- I'm not feeling well.
Do I have to go to school?

- I've been thinking about your grades.
I'll try to help you.

But there's so much to do
at the fruit company.

Maybe you could find someone to study with?

- I don't know a soul here.
- We have to try to do this.

In a few days, everything
will feel much better.

Honey—have a banana and be happy!

Hey, you! Wait!

Yeah, that—

That happens easily. It can go a little quiet
when you're standing in a lift.

A bit stiff, like that.
Hard to come up with something good to say.

- Yes, apparently—

- Well, you—

Do you like living here now?
- It's shit, actually.

- "Shit"—Shit, that's—

That was well said. My name's Bert.
We're in the same class.

- My name's Victoria.
- I know. You're from Stockholm.

- No, I lived in Sollentuna.
20 kilometres outside.

20 kilometres—Long way.

It must have been fantastic
to live so close to Stockholm.

Yes, there was a little
more to do than here.

- I've been to Stockholm once.
- Yeah. On a school trip, right?

- No, I went for an allergy test
at Sabbatsberg Hospital.

Do you have any allergies?

- No—These are pretty dumb questions.

The survey's from the Youth Council. They
want to know a little about your sex habits.

It's important to be as specific
and clear as possible.

And it's anonymous,
so answer as honestly as you can.

It's voluntary, so anyone
who doesn't want to participate

has full permission to leave the room now.
Anyone?

No one? Let's go.

- What's "intercourse"?
- No, No No.—

- "Almost"—can you put that?
- Last autumn it was—

What was for lunch again?
Fish sticks—and mimosa salad.

"How many times have
you had sexual intercourse?"

Help! I haven't even
seen a naked girl—

Klimpen—Has he—? A hundred times?

That sounds a lot. Twice, then.

On second thoughts, no. Three.
That sounds more credible.

In front of me stood 12 pirates
who abruptly took me by storm—

My breathing got heavier—

Victoria probably has, but what about me?
King of seducers Bert Ljung?

What have I done? I've peed with my prick.
Does that count?

"Have you—?" No.

"Do you usually use—?" No.
"When was the last—?"

"First menstruation?" Can I put
"On aunt Klara's white velvet sofa"?

No, then they'll know it's me. Best to lie.

"Brown velvet sofa—"

"Black leather Sofa—"

"Sexual"? I'm not sexual, am I?

- Look! Fuck's sake, Butt, what's this?

Zero times! Hear that?
Bert's never done it!

- Indeed—

Thank you all.

Has something happened?
- Hello. They're just meddling.

- Who is?
- The headmaster.

Just nagging on and on about my grades.
- What? Are your grades bad?

If I hadn't moved here from Stockholm
I'd have had to repeat a year.

- What about you, Bert? Are your grades good?
- No—No—

- I thought perhaps you might want to—
- Yes?

- Study with me?
If you'd like to?

- Sure, if you want.
Now you mention it

I'm great at studying.
It's the exams where it all goes wrong.

But I'm really shit-hot at studying.

- So shall we say tonight, then?

For the maths test last week,
I studied every day for three weeks.

- Yeah? How'd that work out?
- One out of forty-six.

It's determination that counts, Dad says.

- What does your Dad do, then?
- He's an optician.

- Victoria?
- Yes?

- Looks like it's starting to rain.

First to the tree! Come on!

If there's one place you absolutely
shouldn't stand in a thunderstorm—

- It's under a tree.
- Right.

- Victoria?
- Yes?

- What Klimpen said in the auditorium today—

- What do you mean?
- Yes, you know, that thing about—

That I hadn't done it.
- Oh that.

He's such—such a ridiculous guy.
He'll never get any girls.

He's just so damn childish.
- Yes, exactly, but I—

I just wanted to say, he read it wrong.

- What?
- I actually did it.

-Yeah. Did you?
-Yes—what about you?

- Me? Done it or not—
Depends on what you mean—

- Like you have to know what you're doing.
- All that.

- You have to be mature and so on.
It has to feel a thousand percent right.

Both partners, mutual and everything.
- Right.

But—but how was it for you, then?
Weren't you very nervous?

What? Me? Bert?

There are two benefits to storms.

One is that when there's thunder,
the girl wants to hold hands-.

And the other one is that when it rains,
she doesn't even feel your hands sweating.

Bert?

- Yes?

- Hope you don't find this embarrassing—

but there's something you and I
need to have a talk about.

- Yeah? What's that then?
- Well—you know—

About things a guy can only talk
to another guy about.

- Oh, football.
- No! The other thing!

- What d'you mean?
- What d'you mean?-

You know. You know! That—

- Ice hockey?
- No-no.

You know, what us guys do with girls.

- Are you talking about sex, Dad?
- Sex! Sex—

This wardrobe really needs sorting out.

What I mean is, you can always ask me.

I went with a lot of girls—
before I met your mother, of course.

You can wait before sleeping with a girl.

Or whatever you do with her now—

Sex is so much more than just intercourse.

It's—caresses and tender words and—yes—

Anyway, if you meet a girl you-—really—

a girl you really, truly like—

and want to do-—that—with—

Then I seriously hope you put
protection on your little—

John Thomas, there.
- Yes. Victoria. Hi.

Hello—

You have a nice room. Quite dark.

- That doesn't matter. Here. Sit down.
- Yes—

Where?
-The chairs are being repaired. Have a seat!

Let's see—
- That's it.

Yes, well—Victoria?

Well, something I was thinking of—

Isn't it great we've become—pals?

I mean, it's much easier
to study when there's two of you.

- Of course—Yes, that's true.

I can't hear what you're saying.
- Oh all right, I'll move closer.

I said, there are more things
that are easier when there's two of you.

- Oh really? For example? Were you thinking
of anything in particular?

- Hockey games.
- Hockey games?

- Or—

- I don't understand this hockey thing.
It's a little childish.

- But us guys are quite childish.
-Yes, I know.

Yes. This is where the light switch is, yes?
- Yes, exactly.

- So! What was the test about?
- Of course—

Pages 30-128 plus rectal functions.

It was so dark. I said no
several times, but he wanted to.

He was probably interesting and all that,
but certainly as inexperienced as I was.

It was so very long ago.
It was dark and cold.

- Do you remember how it felt at that age?

- Pimples and striped hair and
breasts that never wanted to grow!

- And your voice breaking as well.
- Yes, absolutely, Henry—

I think we're at an excellent age right now.

- Do you think so?
- Yes.

Right, spread out! No peeking.

Yes, this should be a fairly easy test
for those who have studied.

Åke, put away the cheat sheet.

Bert!

- Take mine. Good luck.
- Thanks. Good luck yourself.

How's the thing with Carl-Philip going, then?
- Thanks, it's going great!

- Same here. It's going great.

- Lower the volume please!
60 minutes from now.

- Can I borrow a pencil?
- Please start. Good luck.

- Are you together now, or what?
- Yes, you could say that.

- But—don't you have to ask her first?

- No, you don't have to do that.
We're together anyway.

- Yeah—Come on, then.

What's this "together anyway"?
You have to ask first, don't you understand?

You're so childish.
Victoria and I have an adult relationship.

- What d'you mean? You study together.
- It's actually a lot more than that.

- Bert? Don't you think
she has a slightly crooked mouth?

- What do you do, then?
- We talk—

- What? What about?
- About lots of things—

- Come on, sit down now!
Stop fiddling about with the equipment.

Hi there, hello, Diary.

I've known Victoria now for
11 days, 14 hours and 37 minutes.

I've already kissed her, taken off
her clothes—and slept with her twice.

It was the most beautiful, strangest, most
wonderful experience of my whole life.

And I'm lying like
the big, cowardly idiot I am.

The only thing we've done is
study, drink juice and watch TV with Dad.

But tomorrow I'm going to ask her if
she wants to be my girl.

I hope she says yes.

Otherwise, this may be the last thing
ever written by Bert Ljung.

Because I'll put my hands in the
meat grinder if she says no.

Thank you and goodbye. Live or die.

Victoria, do you want to be with me?

Here we are, Sir. Coffee or coffee?

- Yeah, that was a difficult choice.
You get to decide.

- I suggest coffee.
- Sounds good.

- Mum says it's thanks to you
that school's going so well for me.

- Mine too.
- It feels weird.

I've had everything right
four tests in a row. Sick—

- It's a little weird. I've not been top
in anything since kindergarten.

- What were you best at then?

- Well, I—I could eat more sand than anyone.

But then along came Klimpen.

- Yes—You know, Bert—?

There's something
I'd like to talk to you about.

- There's something
I'd like to talk to you about too.

- It's this—I think I'm—in love.

- In love? In love?! Is that true?

Perfect! Me too!
- You are? Absolutely perfect! Tell me who!

- No, you go first.
- Okay, you can guess.

He goes to our school—
- Same here. She goes to our school.

- He's blonde—cute—

- Thanks—

She's blonde too, but much, much prettier.

- He has such an exciting look.
Makes me really jittery

because of those beautiful, brown eyes.
- Blue.

- No, brown. Almost dark brown.
Oh, almost sexy—

- Blue.
- Yours, yes. I'm talking about his.

- We're closing now!

- Carl-Philip—
- Yes.

Come on. Tell me. What's her name?

- Britta Lundin.
- Yeah? Who's that?

- Britta Lundin—well, she's a little older.
You wouldn't know her.

- She should be very happy
to have such a nice guy.

- Hey.
- Hello.

- Yes, you're Bert!
Hi, my name's Carl-Philip.

Victoria thinks it's such
fun with a boy as a friend.

She really likes you.
- Yeah—

- I would never dare have a girl as a friend.

I mean, what would you talk about?

- The film's starting in five minutes.

- See you, Bert.
- Bye!

- Carl-Philip's really nice, anyway—

- Looks like the rain's coming back.

- It's raining now!

Well—You said if I needed to talk to someone
I could talk to you.

Now I really need to talk.
It feels a little lonely. I—

It feels like no one is listening, like—

That's when it's nice to know
that your parents care about you.

- That was great fun!
- Have you heard this one?

Two Norwegians were walking on the beach
and one of them got pooped on by a seagull.

One said “Should I get some paper?"
The other one said "No, there's no point."

"It's probably flown
at least a kilometre by now."

- Hey—
- Yes?

- It's a hockey-stick.
I play centre for Öreskoga Ice Hockey Club.

You like ice hockey, right?
- Sure. It's a lot of fun.

- Shall we meet again tomorrow?
- Yes, I'd like that.

Hi.

Nighty night.

Anna Karin! Release the terrier.
Let it loose, I said, Anna-Karin.

On Friday—On Friday, we have a test.

On chapters five and six.

And you have to study. Yes?

- Do you know what massacre
is called in English? Massacre.

And deadly revenge, blows under the belt?
- Listen now, everyone.

It doesn't work with twenty
teachers and one student.

It is I who ask the questions
and you who give the answers.

Yes, Lill-Erik—Little-Erik—

Shall you now read
your own text you writed?

The bloody day.

The blood was all over the place
and brainsubstans decorated the wall.

The killer shot his wife six times
in one week and stabbed the dog with a fork

- Hey? Can we study tonight?
- No, I don't think so.

Suddenly 12 Dobermanns
with rabies hopped up in the air.

Bit the girl in tusand pieces.-
- Why not?

- I'm brushing my teeth tonight.
his crazy uncle took a poisoned pistol—

- Brushing your teeth?
- Yes, or buying a horse, if you prefer that.

Grenade splitter—
- What's up with you?

- "Grenade", what came next?
- "Splitter".

- It's nothing.
Sure you've got time to study?

Not going for a ride on a motorbike maybe?
I have no problem with that.

Should I live?
Should I die? I want to die.

- How is Victoria?
- Self-murder must be the solution.

- Fine thanks, it's going very well.

And violence of the king.
And snipp, snap, snuff—

the fairytale is sluss.

Never mind. It has probably
already flown a kilometre.

Did you see that power play?
Incredible!

- Will this take long?
- Yes, we've still got interval training.

It's probably flown
at least a kilometre by now.

So funny.
Does she want a comedian, or what?

I'm pretty funny, as
long as I make an effort.

Bellman, a German and Bert
had a bet on who had the worst life.

The German said:
'Bert has the worst life' so Bert won.

I don't understand anything.
Does life have to be like this?

Is God sitting there laughing at me now?
Is he angry with me about something?

I'm going to talk to Grandma.

She's pally with God.
They're such close mates.

- Yes, yes. Take it easy. I'm coming.

Hello, Bert.

- Is Grandma in?
- No. I don't know when she's coming back.

- Then I'll come in and wait.
- Yes—

And what have you brought with you?
- A figurine I inherited.

- What's so funny?
- The programme, of course.

- It's lovely. And you're wondering—?
- Could it be worth anything?

- You're wondering, yes.
Now this is exciting.

- There are two things that
make me really happy.

One is Irish whiskey.

- And the other?
- The other is women.

- Well, I'll probably
stick with the whiskey then.

- All the women in the world are
waiting for a guy like you. Believe me.

- What do we have here? A hash-bong?
- Opium.

- But I'm only interested in one woman.

Her name is Victoria.

But she's got a boyfriend—

- Are they good together?

That's not how you do it.
You do it like this!

- What does it matter how you hold it!

- Of course it matters! Your hand should—
- Now stop it!

It doesn't matter!
- How you hold the club is important!

Guess who's doing a driving test on Thursday?
- Are you going to get a driving licence?

- It's a requirement at work.
I had no choice.

What are you and Carl-Philip doing tonight?

- We're going to the cinema.
- Oh really? That'll be fun.

What else do you usually do for fun?
- We mostly go to ice hockey and stuff.

Carl-Philip has season tickets.

- Ice hockey? I thought that was boring?
- I'm allowed to change my mind, right?

- So what's the matter with you?

I'm a little worried. You—

Carl-Philip is a little older. I mean—

You—You're thinking about
taking precautions, aren't you?

- Are you serious? Precautions?
You think I'm gong to get pregnant?

Mum, did you get pregnant
with your first boyfriend?

- Yes, I did.

Here.

- Pettersson?

Carl-Philip!
- Victoria, it's not happening!.

- But you said—

- You've forgotten what's happening tonight?
- What about tonight?

- Mum and Dad are away, so you can come over!

- Do you think we should—?
- Yes! Everyone does, everyone should!

- Do you think it's time?
- Yes! Tonight's the night!

- I never thought you'd ask!

Seven thirty.
- It starts at seven.

- Hurry, hurry!

See that nipple?
It looks like a gooseberry.

- Gooseberry?
Makes me think of my grandmother.

She makes very good gooseberry cream.

- Get a grip! We're reading this.
- Right.

- Look at this one, then.

- She'd need a really hard package.

- A real—A real Magnum.

- Quiet!

This—!
All I can say is: Wow, wow, wow!

- The seven steps—

I've got to send off for this.
Benny Frisk—

- "Weapon-fixated Aries
seeks sharp shooting Sagittarius."

"Reply to Combatwoman."
- God, you're so gross!

- Gross—

- I'm going to send off for this.
- Oh, look—

Torsken goes forward,
passes to Storan, who shoots—Goal!

Hello!

sticks are out, no sin-bin this time—

Johan Kling—Yes, that's much
better than before.

Smirnoff is binned for two,
no, three minutes. Thanks for that!

Sweden now have numerical superiority.
2-0 in the match.

Andersson, Pettersson,
Lundström and me on the ice.

The puck to Lillvanten, straight into
the box and there the Swedes pick up.

Andersson to Pettersson
to Lundström—

Sweden with numerical advantage
and Storvanten shoots! He does it!

- Move over! We can't see anything!

- These are my friends—
Victoria—

- Chips and soda-and ice hockey.

Close the curtain.

- I think I'm in the wrong place. Excuse me.

By the way - Poland won 3-2.
I watched the match on cable yesterday.

- Gunnar, Victoria's father, was probably
not the world's most reliable man.

He said he was a fighter pilot
and asked me up for a slow dance.

Suddenly I was in his hotel room.

But it turned out that he had a wife, three
children and a curtain shop in Sundsvall.

But Victoria and I have managed well enough.

- What about Rebecka?
What did I do wrong there?

- Everything. She didn't even like you.
- No, but still.

They're girls, you know—
You can't understand how they think.

Too bad you're not a girl, Åke.
Then we could be together.

- I probably wouldn't look good with breasts.

- No, I know.
But we need to come up with something.

- Yeah, but what?
- Anything.

Anything that stops us
thinking about girls all the time.

- That's probably impossible.
They're always there. Everywhere—

- Why don't they understand anything?

- We're probably not supposed to understand.

Like, that's what life's about.
Trying to understand them.

- Yeah—I suppose I have to go home now.

But—we'll meet again tomorrow.
- We have no choice.

So there you are. What are you up to?

- Remember what you said about
me starting to study with Bert again—

- Here, take these. We'll have smoked ham
and boiled potatoes and bananas.

The main thing is that it gets clean!
-It won't get clean with fabric softener!

It'll be soft and limp.
- Don't come in.

I suppose it doesn't get limp when I wash!

- It's Henry. Am I disturbing you?
- Yes.

- How's it going?
- Same as usual. Badly.

But who has the strength? Listen,
young people! You quarrel and quarrel—

- Did I mention I used to hunt
moose when I was younger?

- Did you? But I'm not that desperate.

- There was a special moose I waited for.

Year after year after year—

I would squat under a spruce,
watching, watching.

And suddenly—there! She's standing
right there! 50-60 meters away! There!

Slowly, slowly I place
the rifle on my shoulder.

Calmly and patiently, taking my time—

You don't want it to go wrong.
- No, of course not.

- Not in a situation like this, eh?
So I squeeze the trigger slowly, slowly—

so as not to dislodge the sight.
You don't want do that. Slowly—

Bang! It missed.
- What?

- I missed. The moose was gone.

I sat there more miserable
and lonely than I'd ever felt.

- Yes?
- But—But I didn't give up!

The following year I sat there again,
and the year after, and the one afte that—

- It's nice talking to you, but I don't
understand what you're trying to say.

- Life is terribly short.

What if you get to my age and think:
Why didn't I try once more?

I think you know what I mean.

The main thing is that it gets clean!
- It won't get clean with fabric softener!

It'll be soft and limp!

Helmut Kohl. Hi, Åke.

What? It's there already?

Yes. Yes I 'm on my way. Butt Out!

Listen: what's most important about a guy?

"What he says, what he earns
or how he smells?"

- How he smells?!

- Yes. C: "How he smells."

Here's your question.
One you can answer, I mean.

"When you're having sex
with your dream prince—"

"which is most important:
that he's romantic, sexy—"

or takes the snuff out first?"

- No. You don't have to be so picky,
as Bert usually says.

- Is he with anyone now?

- Bert? Hardly.
Who would he be with? Åke, maybe?

- But honestly—does he have
a girlfriend or anything?

- Why d'you ask?

- He told me he used to have a girlfriend
called Britta Lundin.

And I wondered if it was
still like that, or if—Yeah.

- There were several in the class
who thought you were an item.

- Me—Me and Bert?
Why would you think that?

- You sat next to each other in class
and were-carrying on—

- Carrying on? I haven't been carrying on.

- Yeah yeah, I got that. I mean,
who'd want to be with Bert!

- Yes, completely stupid—Definitely.

- Go on with the test now. I want to know
who's going to be my dream prince.

Like that. Hi-fi! Stereo!

Prohibited

The Art of Seducing a Woman

There he is!

Well hi. Do you have a woman?

No, Thought not.

Do you want a woman?
Yes. Thought so!

That's probably why you
paid 395 bucks for this video.

Come with me. Into the wonderful world
of the art of seduction.

You'll learn a completely foolproof system

for the art of seducing a woman.

- He's so cool.
- He probably does it five times a day.

In our laboratories we have found
the safest way to a woman's heart.

- Awesome!

We know our stuff.
- We'll soon be able to do it.

Are you a loser sitting around
moping with your mates?

- No—No, not me.

No. Thought so.

Listen carefully now.
Hold on tight! Let's go!

You and I are going to the cinema.

- Really—Did we decide that, or—?

- I decided that.

- Okay, Lucky I'm not doing anything else.
What's the film?

Men Blown up and Shot.

- Yes. Could be fun. Though I've heard
people say it's pretty bad.

- I say it's maybe
the best film in the world.

- Okay.

Charlie Delta, come in!

Charlie Delta, come in!

Johansson? Where the hell have you been?
- In the poison factory.

How can anyone survive an acid bath?
- It's so fucking cool!

- Yeah—It's not cool.
- What?

- It's—fucking brilliant!

Take the woman to a place
you've never shown anyone.

A carefully selected place—

- Where are we going?

- Well, I've never shown
this park to anyone before.

I was saving it for someone very special.

Someone like you.

- Alhough you and I were here the other day.

We went under that tree when it rained.

It actually was—a little romantic.

- Wild!

The woman longs for exciting
and varying character traits.

Try a silly hat.

- Good-looking, huh?
- Yes—certainly different.

- Well, isn't that what you like? Different—?

- Hey?

- Sunset. God it's awesome.

- It's half past two.
The sun won't set for a long time.

- Good. Then I suggest we wait.
Just you and me—

- Okay—Bert—?
There's something I wanted to ask you about.

- Certainly! Ask away!

- Okay, it's just that my mother is
a bit worried about my grades.

- Of course, of course!

- So I thought maybe-—
we could start studying again?

- Really. I understand. Study?!

- Yes. Or we could do something else.
If you want.

- What sort of "something else"?
- Well, you know—All sorts of things.

Bert—I like doing things with you.

If you hesitate, you can lose everything.

Never let the woman take control.
Then you're in trouble.

What's the matter?
- No, it's nothing. I'm in trouble.

- Don't you feel well?
- No, I changed my mind. I have to go home.

- Now?
- Yes. Now.

I actually left a batch of rolls in the oven.

- Rolls?

- Someone has to take them out!
- Can't your mother do that?

- No, only me! Otherwise they'll burn
on to the baking tray, don't you see?

Fuck!

- But—What about the sunset, then?

What! It's him! That bastard—

Hi there, hello, Diary.
After my meeting with Victoria today—

I've come to the comclusion that
there are five important things.

One: I'm going to trash Åke's idiotic video.

Two: Benny Frisk doesn't know
a thing about the girls I like.

Three: If Victoria thinks
I'm the world's biggest idiot

then I agree with her.

Four: I don't look good in a cap.

Five: From now on
I'm only going to be myself.

In all my undisguised nakedness.

Hey, Victoria? Hello? Victoria?

I was just going to say that—I'm an idiot.

So what you said yesterday—about studying—

- That was just a suggestion.
Forget it.

- No. I thought it was a good idea.
I want to study.

We can do other things too.

I think doing stuff with you is fun.

I was wondering if we'd be—like—friends or—

- Yes, of course as friends.

- You can bring Carl-Philip.

- That's over. We didn't fit together.
But you can bring Britta Lundin.

- Britta Lundin?
- Yes, the older girl you were talking about.

- Oh yeah—No—that's finished too.
She was getting tiresome.

- Well—So you're not with anyone either?

- No—Exactly.

- This is hard, it really is.
But it's nice to be free. Isn't it?

It—It's much easier—

Just to be friends, like you and me.

174 days left until Christmas,
and the clock is ticking.

It's disloyal of you to ruin it for
the whole Christmas group.

HOLIDAY
- Places!

♪ Midnight prevails, it's quiet in the houses
- Quiet in the houses— ♪

♪ Everyone's asleep, candles are extinguished
- All the candles— ♪

- Something's wrong with the da capo.

I've got a friend who's a girl.

Why should you and the girl be a couple?

This thing with relationships is overrated.

Right now life feels really good.

Why should you only have one girl?
All women are crazy about me. Yeah.

What the fuck? Has something happened?

Stop. Stay here.
There's nothing for you to see here.

Suddenly you see everything
from a new perspective.

You stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Life is a strange carousel.

First, it spins slowly. Nothing happens.

Then it goes so fast you can't keep up.

You don't understand anything.
Suddenly certain people just aren't there.

Just gone—The carousel stops.

Now she's finally asleep.
- Poor thing.

- Maybe we should stay here tonight?
- It would be a good idea.

What do you think, old chap?
- Of course—

- How are you really?
- Just have to get on with it—Triplets.

- That's not called triplets.
This is called a Royal Straight Flush.

It's been a hard day.

- You're cheating!
- You noticed?

Sweetheart—

Then it starts again,
slowly, slowly, slowly.

But then someone is missing,
someone who missed out on a place.

Life is a strange carousel.

Henry's gone as of now.
He'll never exist any more.

His heart said hello and thank you.

Grandma used to be so happy.
Now everyone is just sad.

Mum, open up please!
All my clothes are in there.

- Wait. I'm not done yet.

- Why is it always like this?

And why can't I find a guy who suits me?

- Oh honey—
You don't have to worry, do you?

- I feel like I'm the loneliest
person in the world.

- Soon enough he'll be standing
right in front of you.

- No—Do you think so?

It's probably flown
at least a kilometre by now.

Thursday at 7 pm, that's fine.
This thing with Bert was very sad.

- Yes, that was sad news.
-Death comes unexpectedly sometimes.

Have you seen Bert?

Åke, where's Bert?
- He's going to a funeral in Härnösand.

- What? Who died?
- His grandmother's boyfriend Henry.

- Do you know when he's coming back?
- Never. When you're dead, you're dead.

Can we sleep at Henry's sister's?
-Yes, don't worry about it now, Sofia.

- Hurry up now, darling!

- Please Jan, let me in!
For the fifty-eleventh time, open the door!

- When will you understand that light and
dark coloured laundry are washed separately?

You and your dish! Mel Gibson, eh?

- Have you seen the Ljung family?
- They're gone!

- Gone? When!
- Two minutes ago!

I just wanted to say that we have
a study date the day after tomorrow.

Bert, you can't go around looking like that.

These round glasses are
completely out of date nowadays.

I'd never have gone out like that.
- Dad, just retire already!

- Yes, I became an optician. So what?

First time? Yes—I'd been to a party, and—

English subtitles by
jeremys and faxeholm1234

TNT