Original subtitles

(Girls giggling)

(Radio ) If you haven't thrilled to the rhythm of the tango, you haven't lived,

and you certainly haven't been on Jersey.

Oh, yes, the whole island is shaking to that Buenos Aires beat.

Nigel, don't take the money.

What are you wearing this evening?

I don't know.

Wear your white blazer and black trousers with that green tie I bought you.

Don't sell the shares. Hang on to them.

See you this evening.

Eight o'clock, on the dot.

- Right, girls, we're going for a drive. - Oh, good.

- Great! - Where?

Oh, Piggy, you've been at the gin again. I don't know why you don't drink orange juice, like me.

She's been stuffing her face, as well. I saw her with her head stuck in the fridge.

- I was not. - Come on, girls.

Out of nicks, into nacks!

We're off to visit a friend.

- Great. - Fantastic.

(Tango on stereo )

(All) We are the Rat Pack, hey!

We are the Rat Pack! We are the Rat Pack!

We are the Rat Pack, hey!

- Where are we going? - To see Lady Trowbridge.

- Your friend and my friend, the Jersey Queen. - Lady Trowbridge?

She's chairman of the charity tango competition. I am vice-chairman, you're the jury.

We can visit her whenever we like.

- We are doing it for charity, after all. - People in wheelchairs.

Careful, Reet!

We don't want any more people in wheelchairs.

- Are you sure it's all right? - Wow!

- Just turning up? - Of course it is.

I happen to know Cynthia's having a tango lesson.

- With Pepe Mendoza? - Right!

Wow!

Cynthia! Hello!

Cynthia!

- So this is where she lives. - A bit embarrassing, just walking in.

- No, it's not. - Maybe she's not at home.

I'm quite sure she is.

Ah, Cynthia. There you are.

I thought you might like to meet the girls I've chosen for our jury.

Well, erm...

We'll wait in the garden, shall we?

- Wait till you've erm... - I was just having a bath.

(Sniggering)

Make yourself at home.

- Here we are. Hello. - Hello.

This is Pat Hedley.

- Oh, how do you do? - Lady Trowbridge.

- Gwendoline George. - Hello.

- Panda Thomas. - Yes.

- And Samantha Wilson. - How do you do?

- Hello. - We all call her Piggy.

Oh.

As vice-chairman, I thought it best to appoint the jury straightaway.

- Oh, I see, yes. - They're all experts on the tango.

They'll make the whole contest go with a swing.

- Enthusiasm, youth... - That's splendid.

- By the way, I couldn't use your lav, could I? - Well, yes, of course you may.

I'm sure the girls would love to see round the garden.

It's the second door on the left.

(Tango on tape )

- Why are we doing this? - Where have you been?

- What do you mean? - Where have you been for the last month?

Catching the odd criminal or two, washing my socks. Why?

There's been nothing but tangos on the radio, sponsored tango contests all over St Helier,

leading up to the Grand Tango Contest on Saturday night.

Old Lady Trowbridge's mob, is it? But why are we dancing?

- Because you and I have entered the contest. - Hey, no.

Come on, no. I'm not a good dancer at the best of times, and to do this thing in public...

Oh, a dance for limp-wristed Spanish waiters, out-of-work lounge lizards?

- I didn't say that. - Oh, Jim, it's fantastic.

It's got such life and vigour.

You just throw yourself into the arms of fate. There, now you're getting the hang of it.

I thought you two had made it up.

- Refreshments. - Thank you.

Thanks.

Practising for Cynthia's do, eh?

I've always had time for the Trowbridges.

In old-fashioned style, we stick together in the state's Parliament.

All these groups of young people, these yuppies, they always want to set the island on its head.

- The Smiths, the Hedleys, the Wilsons. - Oh, the Rat Pack, you mean?

They're always in the gossip columns.

- Ah, the Rat Pack. - (Phone rings )

Hello, yeah? Oh, right.

It's for you, as usual.

Come on, Charlie. Your turn.

- (Tango on tape ) - What, all of them?

She left them where?

All right, on my way.

(Shrieks ) Oh, sorry, Charlie!

You're supposed to be practising the tango, not blooming judo.

Oi! I'm sorry, you two. I've got to go.

Small case of robbery.

- The diamonds were in this drawer, were they? - Yes, that's right.

I used to lock them up at night.

- Have you got any servants? - Yes, a maid. But I gave her the day off.

And the housekeeper was shopping in St Helier.

- And you were at work, were you, Sir Arnold? - Aye.

And according to you, the only people here this afternoon were Mrs Rita Smith and her friends?

Yes, that's right.

- Isn't that a bit unusual?. - Unusual?.

Well, I understood that Mrs Rita Smith and her friends weren't exactly erm...

Ah, well, the wife's dead keen on this tango business.

She's even taking lessons from some dago chap.

What's his name? Erm... Pepe something.

Anyroad, Mrs Smith and her friends offered to help with this charity do.

I wouldn't give them the time of day otherwise.

I think they affected entry through here, but I'll have to wait for Forensics to confirm that.

Sergeant Bergerac, I... We...

..don't want any publicity about this.

No publicity?

No.

There are certain retrogressive elements on the island.

8:43, Nigel.

Yes. It is sometimes difficult to get ordinary people

to face up to the extraordinary things the future holds.

- Vitamin pills. - Vitamin pills!

Goat's yoghurt, fresh orange juice.

And none of your secretary's digestive biscuits.

I know she keeps them in her bottom drawer.

- Right. - (Alarm bleeps )

8:44, Detective Sergeant.

What can I do for you?

I'm due at my office in 16 minutes.

Actually, I didn't come to see you. I came to see your wife.

Oh.

Oh, well, erm... She'll be over there.

Getting... Getting ready for her dance lesson.

- Erm... Mrs Smith? - Yes?

I wonder, could I ask you a few questions, please?

- Where are you from? - Erm... Bureau des Étrangers.

You know my husband's been co-opted to make an efficiency report of the Bureau?

He's working very closely with your Chief Inspector Crozier.

As I was saying, I'd like to ask you a few questions.

It's about the disappearance of Lady Trowbridge's diamonds yesterday afternoon.

Lady Trowbridge's diamonds have disappeared?

- Yes. - How exciting!

Tell me more.

Well, apparently, you and four of your friends...

- Pat, Panda, Gwendoline and Samantha. - Yeah.

- ..went to visit Lady Trowbridge at about... - Three o'clock.

- You're very precise. - We left at 4:15.

Did you see anyone around the place, in the grounds or in the house?

The thief probably broke in through the bedroom window.

No, I don't think so.

- Not a soul. - And none of you went upstairs?

No.

Am I a suspect?

Did I say you were a suspect?

Let me put your mind at rest, Detective Sergeant.

I don't like diamonds. They're passé.

Worn by a crowd who like froufrou nightgowns and Barbara Cartland novels.

Really?

I pay craftsmen to make me personalised designer jewellery.

When I've worn it...

I throw it away.

You're not from Jersey, are you?

No, I'm from the mainland, originally.

Where did you meet your husband?

Excuse me, Detective Sergeant, this'll be my tango lesson.

But you're leaving anyway, aren't you?

- Good morning, Pepe. - Buenos dias, senora.

- I'll join you in a moment. - Senora.

You certainly intend to win this competition, yeah?

Lady Trowbridge will win.

She'll dance the final tango.

But I'll dance the best tango.

- Music, Pepe. - Senora Smith.

That was the police. Lady Trowbridge's diamonds have gone missing.

- What do you mean? - Nothing.

What are you saying?

Dance, Pepe.

Dance!

(Charlie ) I don't know. I seem to be getting fonder and fonder of places like this.

Must be old age, I suppose.

- Old age? - It comes to us all.

Now, then, what did you want to talk to me about?

Well, it's advice, really.

About something I know very little about.

High society, here in Jersey.

It's a terrible place for gossip, is this.

They can strip you naked and tear you to pieces before you've sat down to your soup.

But I knew an archduke once, a proper Austrian archduke he was.

And I saw them destroy him in four minutes flat.

He walked in through the Hendersons' front door, back in...'76, it was.

And it was all over in four minutes. He walked out a ruined man.

What's the history of, you know, who's been in, who's been out?

Who have been the leaders of Jersey society?

Well, I haven't been here all that long myself, but Lady Docker controlled it back in the '50s.

And in the '60s, it was that Groué set, all fast motorboats and other fellows' wives.

That all blew apart with the great Mars Bar scandal. Remember?

When all the men were found in the pool with you-know-who.

- Weren't you there? - No, I was not!

Anyway, after that little incident, things were at a pretty low ebb.

Until Cynthia Trowbridge arrived.

Old county family,

real breeding.

Well, she started to bring folk together again.

- Jersey owes a hell of a lot to Cynthia. - Until the yuppies came along, yeah?

Don't talk to me about that lot.

If the Trowbridges and the Smiths dislike each other so much,

why are they organising this tango contest together?

I don't know. That bloody Smith woman gets herself in everywhere.

Do you think Jersey's changing?

Well, when we were kids, we used to pick potatoes, one and six an hour.

And there was never a rich man in sight.

Now, there are more millionaires than potatoes.

- I should like to register a formal protest. - Yes, Nigel.

- This isn't what we pay taxes for. - No, Nigel.

- I trust you'll pass that on. - I most certainly will, Nigel.

- Good. Nothing personal, you understand. - Of course not, Nigel.

- Thank you for call... - (Dialling tone )

Peggy? Peggy?

I saw a picture in this morning's paper, and I don't know what's happened to that woman...

- Peggy! Where is he? - Sir? Who?

- Jim. - Erm... Either...

- I want to speak to him. - I don't know where he...

Well, find him.

You see, wives don't really exist here on Jersey.

Oh, they're expected to turn up at endless social events, and organise dances for charity.

But apart from that, they're isolated,

shut up in their little homes and ignored until the next little social event,

when we pop up, clear and clean and immaculate.

And I'm not just talking about myself. I've seen it happen to many of my friends.

- Yeah? - Mmm. Drink. Other things.

Suicide, even.

Still, I've been lucky.

- How do you mean, lucky? - Well...

Well, of course, I would have liked to have had children.

But I was Sir Arnold's second wife.

He'd had his children, his family, with his first. Got bored with her after he'd made his money,

and wanted someone with more...savoir-faire.

Still, I love my husband.

- And I've learned to dance the tango. - Have you, indeed?

- Why does that appeal to you so much? - Oh, because it's so romantic.

And I love romantic things. Old films, Ginger Rogers, Fred Astaire.

You could dream so much through them.

My girlfriend's dragged me into this contest. She's giving me lessons.

Oh, it's a wonderful thing, the tango. The real version, I mean. Not the ballroom one.

How come you learned the tango?

I mean, Sir Arnold doesn't dance that much, does he?

- No. - Ah, but then, you have lessons, don't you?

- Oh, no. - Yes.

Your husband said, from what's his name. Pepe?

It could ruin my husband, and I'm certain Pepe didn't take those jewels.

Lady Trowbridge, erm...

whatever happens between you and your Spanish friend is your business.

The theft of diamonds is not.

I will try and be discreet, but I'm going to have to ask you for this person's address.

I never took those diamonds.

But you do admit to running round Jersey,

pretending to give dancing lessons to housewives, your er...clients?

I am not pretending.

A gossip columnist would give his right arm for some of these names.

What's your game... Pepe?

No game. I dance.

Maybe one or two older ladies...

..lonely.

Yes, I... I help them.

I am like their social worker, hmm?

I have heard some excuses in my time, but that... Huh!

It does not give me pleasure. I feel sorry for them.

Forensic confirm his prints are all over the Trowbridge bedroom.

Yes, I was there.

- But the diamonds, never. - See? Keeps denying it.

What else you got?

Lots of old letters, old photos.

Old baked bean tins...and this. On top of the wardrobe.

''Mr Alan O'Hara.'' Post Office saving book.

Fifteen thousand, three hundred and nineteen pounds, twenty-seven pee.

We're very fond of other people's property, aren't we?

That's not all.

I couldn't find a passport.

Immigration confirms that they've absolutely no record of a Mr Pepe Mendoza.

So it seems that we're dealing with an illegal immigrant, as well as a thief.

So, the fandango dancer starts to falter. What's your excuse this time?

Don't tell me. Let me guess.

Your family was stranded here at the time of the Spanish Armada.

Now, come on, Mendoza. Give it to us.

Where's the diamonds?

Where and who is Alan O'Hara?

And what are you doing with his savings book, huh?

- Jim. - Doesn't anybody knock round here?

- What do you want? - Barney wants to see you.

- Yeah. All right. - Like, immediately.

He's in a bit of a paddy.

Right, can we start taking your statement now? Please.

OK.

On this fourth day of June,

in the sovereign state of Jersey,

the parish of St Helier,

I, Pepe Mendoza...

(Liverpool accent) Me name's not Mendoza.

I'm Alan O'Hara. From Liverpool.

They're letters from me mam. But I never stole no diamonds.

(Impatient knock at door)

Jim, Barney is eating the carpet.

- Now? - Right.

Er... Take over.

I'll be back in a minute.

You turn up at the Smiths'... The Smiths!

..and start suggesting that Rita Smith stole Lady Trowbridge's diamonds.

- What? - Do you know what you're doing?

Who Nigel and Rita Smith are?

No.

Who are they?

Nigel Smith not only happens to be one of Jersey's leading politicians and businessmen,

he is at this moment conducting enquiries into the very future of this Bureau.

Do you realise what you've done?

No Superintendent for you.

Look, one more crack like that...

I want someone for those diamonds, and I want them fast.

- What the hell's going on in the briefing room? - We have got a suspect.

- Who? - I'm not sure. His name's Alan O'Hara.

Alias Pepe Mendoza.

A Spanish dance teacher from Liverpool.

- Book him. - What for?

For being from Liverpool! What the hell do I care?

I come to Jersey four years ago, on the potato picking.

Then I see these opportunities.

I change me name, start dancing, saving.

So why pretend to be Spanish?

Who wants to dance with an unqualified Scouse spud picker?

What were you back home?

You people haven't got a clue what goes on up there, have you?

Imagine a couple of hundred square feet with 15 flats crammed onto it.

And 15 more on top of them.

All the way up for 15 floors.

And into them, shoved unemployed kids.

Kids, bursting with energy, excitement...

..feeling.

Stacked on top of each other like garbage.

- Bursting out into drugs, booze, violence. - So where exactly is all this getting us?

Hey, Mr Jersey policeman.

Do you know the last time me mam, my mam, last dared to go out of her front door?

Three years ago.

You know what she used to be? In her prime?

Her and me dad? Northwest tango champions.

They used to go all over the place, you know, with me in the back,

giving exhibition dances.

I can still see her now, with the spotlight on her, in a sequinned dress.

And if you think I'm going to let her stay in that hellhole for one more minute than I have to...

Life, friend, is complex.

- Nigel. - Yes, darling?

Where's that beige shirt I bought you?

I'm wearing it, darling.

You berk! That's a cream one.

It's an absolute mess!

God, do I have to do everything for you?

We're due at the Frasers' at eight.

- But, darling... - Get that shirt off.

- Yes, darling. - Here.

Thanks.

Is something wrong?

I don't know.

No, nothing.

I gather the Trowbridges won't be there tonight.

- Surprise, surprise. - You've heard what people are saying?

It doesn't take much to get them talking, does it?

Poor old Arnold. A man in the public eye needs to trust his wife.

I'm lucky.

What were you going to do with your savings?

In a few more months, I'd have enough to raise a loan.

For a studio, where I can teach dancing.

- Tour around. - What? Here in Jersey?

Who'd want to stay on Jersey?

No, somewhere on the south coast.

Somewhere I can make a home for me mam.

And any other refugees who might need a roof over their heads.

You think I'd touch them diamonds and risk everything?

Here you go.

- That's all the canteen could rustle up. - Beans on toast!

We'll be keeping you in overnight, OK?

Take him down to the station. When you've finished.

If nothing else, you'll be facing a seven-day expulsion order from Jersey.

Is that a promise?

OK.

So, what do you reckon?

- Check if he's got any form. I'd be surprised. - What, you believe him?

Maybe. Convincing Crozier's going to be the problem.

Yeah.

(Pings )

(Tango music on tape )

Barney, your chicken vindaloo's ready.

Chicken vindaloo.

I think I've got it.

- We'll practise again tomorrow. - It's only a bit of fun, Barney.

We can't afford to make fools of ourselves. Everyone will be there.

Nigel and Rita Smith, you mean.

Being sociable is part of my job, my career, as you well know.

I know. Eat your vindaloo.

How could you have done it, Cynthia? You of all people?

I've been an idiot, Charlie. An absolute idiot.

- And I do love Arnold. - I know you do, dear.

Do you know what Jersey gossip will do to him?

Yeah, well, his position's none too sure as it is.

Where is he now, by the way?

He's in London on business, till Saturday.

Thank God for that. That's one small mercy.

Saturday. I was so looking forward to Saturday and the charity contest.

- But now... - Yeah. Well, look, try not to worry too much.

I'll see what I can do to help.

Radio Jersey. Just four more days to the grand charity tango competition. Saturday...

You know, one of those custom-built GT Golf affairs,

with tinted windscreens and leather upholstery.

- Real pukka. - Gosh!

Anyway, before I knew where I was,

this bowl of coleslaw had gone sailing through the window,

and he was accusing me of puking all over the interior.

- Eugh. - Wow!

Yes, but who won the croquet match?

- Oh, do shut up, Piggy. - On with the war paint.

- Where are you going, Reets? - Out.

Rita's in a mood.

Don't know why. Everything's working perfectly.

What is? You know, I don't really understand what's going on.

- You never do. - Well, explain.

Why are we judging the tango contest?

So we can choose the winner, stupid.

Yes, but I thought we'd already decided.

Shut up, Piggy.

Ah, Jim.

Hello, Charlie.

Look, Jim, Lady T's in a shocking state.

If Sir Arnold finds out... What I mean to say is, couldn't you do something?

- Look, Charlie, I am a police officer. - I know that.

But show some humanity. Don't charge this dago dancer fellow.

She's a good person, is Cynthia Trowbridge.

That's a rare thing for Jersey, a good person.

I'm sure you're right.

If this comes out, it'll be the end of Arnold.

It could be the end of Jersey as we knew it. Concrete uber alles!

Charlie, I hear what you're saying, but I do have an investigation to conduct, OK?

I know. Thanks, anyway, Jim.

(Humming a tango )

Anything on that Spanish Scouse?

- Clean as a whistle. - Right. Is Barney in?

We can't hold him. We haven't got enough evidence.

Oh, damn! I told Nigel Smith we were making an arrest.

The only possible thing we might have against him is deception.

- But that won't stick. - If he didn't do it, who the hell did?

Here they are. Immaculate.

Untouched. Thought I'd let you have them back.

You took them?

Whatever gave you that idea?

You merely mislaid them.

But you stole them.

Lady Trowbridge,

Cynthia,

you're surrounded by enough scandal already without accusing me of theft.

I'd only deny it. Publicly.

You tell the police you lost them,

and now you've found them.

What do you want of me?

You'll be obliged to leave Jersey within seven days of the court order, OK?

I'm sorry about that.

- You've helped me make up me mind. - Yeah?

Yeah. About time I tried me luck on the mainland.

This partnership with Mendoza's getting to be a right drag.

Well, look, if there's anything you want before you go, that's my phone number.

Jim?

Yeah, Bergerac.

She's what?

Yeah. Thank you.

I'll tell you what, mate. You are bloody lucky to be leaving Jersey.

I found them under the bed this morning.

You found them under the bed?

Lady Trowbridge, I'd like the truth, please.

- I am telling you the truth. - What's going on?

Nothing.

I, we, want this whole matter forgotten. The diamonds have been found.

Let me guess. It's got something to do with this tango contest, hasn't it?

The one that you were supposed to win.

Me? That's up to the judges.

There are far better dancers than I. Who told you that?

Rita Smith. In so many words.

I do hope the prize is worth all the trouble it's causing.

It's only a cup. And the winner dances an exhibition solo with Pepe Mendoz...

So you see, when we choose the winner,

she'll have to dance with him.

With everyone who's anyone watching.

And all of them knowing that she and he were...you know what.

Gosh! I see.

- Oh, wow! - (Giggling)

The Rat Pack strikes again!

(Batman theme ) # Da da da da da da da da...

(All) Rat Pack!

We are the Rat Pack! We are the Rat Pack!

We are the Rat Pack!

Oh, goody goody. Time for pud.

Well, I don't know what I'm going to have,

but I'm sure Piggy would love a little sherry trifle.

- Gosh! - Fantastic!

You beast, Panda.

You absolute beast.

Panda, you beast!

Oh, you old cow!

You animal.

Eugh!

I don't know who's paying for this mess, but I'm not.

Not this time.

Rat Pack out on a mission, are they?

It is nice occasionally to be by yourself.

A whole lifetime spent lying round the pool, eh?

Phew!

Waiting for...

Waiting for?

A different coloured sun to come over the horizon?

Strange men in funny clothes to crawl out of the flowerbeds and fight on the patio?

What do you wait for in Jersey?

- Detective Sergeant... - I've got a file here.

In the name of Rachel Stevenson.

She came over here to work on a farm, some years back.

- There weren't any jobs on the mainland. - She ran out of cash.

She was bound over not to return to the island.

You can't get me on that now, Bergerac. I married a resident.

Well, let's face it. I can't really get you on anything, can I?

I mean, you steal lady Trowbridge's diamonds and I can't touch you for it.

You ruin the livelihood of a young dance teacher.

And you smile.

Your husband is adviser to the Bureau.

He's busy deciding whether or not I'll have a job in six months' time.

What exactly have you got against Lady Trowbridge?

Nothing.

She's very nice, is Cynthia.

Far too sensitive to live on Jersey.

With a pig like Sir Arnold.

All she wants in life's a bit of love.

A bit of notice.

A few children, maybe.

Instead, she took up the tango.

- And what will you take up? - I beg your pardon?

Well, you've got all these plans, all these schemes. What are they all in aid of?

What are they all for?

- Mind your own bloody business. - Where's your husband?

Where's Nigel?.

- Where do you think he is? - At the office.

Till ten or eleven tonight, eh? Making his millions.

The Jersey housewife's traditional complaint.

- I love my husband very much. - Oh, you, too, eh?

I'll tell you what I think.

You're going to tell me, so fire away.

Jersey is an island.

Brilliant! I can see why they made you a sergeant.

It's nine miles by five.

And if you drive very slowly,

it can take a whole hour to go right round it.

But when you get back, it's still the same old restaurants and bars,

discos and boutiques.

The same sad faces waiting to be faced.

Jersey is some kind of prison.

I know exactly what game you're playing.

Well, you should know. There's no one better at playing games than you.

Can you remember what it was like to be 17, 18?

Not a bean, not a care in the world, eh?

Picking potatoes.

I can remember it. I remember it very well, here in Jersey.

Makes no difference where you live.

Being rich is an island.

We're cut off from the real world in our villas and penthouses and yachts.

In our ghettoes.

- Senora Smith. - Pepe.

- Oh, I didn't expect you today. - Oh, Pepe's full of surprises.

- Aren't you, Pepe? - I have come for your dancing lesson, Senora.

That's very gallant of you, Pepe, seeing what you've been through.

I am professional. I have appointment to keep, I keep it.

This final lesson, then the contest on Saturday.

- Don't you bear any grudges? - Life is too short.

Well, let's get on with the lesson, Pepe.

Ah, there's one more thing you should know, Mrs Smith.

- Yes? - As a police officer, I can reveal this to you.

Pepe is not really from Spain.

He's from Liverpool.

Just like you.

You know Burnley Villas?

- Castle Flats? - Yeah. I come from the flats.

That pond!

Full of filthy water round the back, filled with old tyres and bicycle wheels.

Where I used to play.

King of the castle.

- Kick can. - Alley-alley-o.

- Tick. - London Bridge?

- Erm... Ring o' ring o' roses. - Three bad eggs.

Postman's knock.

Catch the girls, kiss the girls.

We must stop this. Now.

What's the matter? Are you ashamed of it or something?

Penny for 'em?

I was just driving up Bon Lieu Road,

you know, past that group of cottages?

Yes?

Well, I was born in one of them, brought up.

Have you seen what they've done to 'em?

They've all been improved.

And I was thinking...

What?

Whether Jersey is still the place for us.

Of course.

Right.

- Are you coming, or what? - Yeah.

Darling! Darling, I'm home!

Darling, where are you?

Rita!

Darling, what's going on? I've got to catch the seven o'clock flight to Basel in the morning.

Don't panic, you'll catch it.

But I want to eat and pack.

There's a lot of pressure on. We've got a delegation from Hong Kong.

- You know how it is. - I know. I was your secretary long enough.

Rita! What's the matter?

I'm the matter.

There's so many things I could have been.

I still can be.

Oh, you know, I could have been a...a lorry driver.

A road mender. A muck sweeper. A lion tamer.

I could go to university.

I could have children. Hundreds of them.

And all I've ever done is get married to you.

What do you mean? It's worked. We've been a great success.

No, Nigel. I've made you a great success.

I got you out of that grotty accounts office,

planned your strategy and moved you up the company.

Floor by floor, up the company.

From branch office to head office to boardroom.

Till I got you an office where you could look out over the whole of Jersey.

I don't understand. What are you trying to say?

I've said it.

Or weren't you listening?

Oh, come on. I'll fix you a meal while you pack.

(Music drowns speech)

- They're with Nigel and Rita. - Nice.

- Are you all right, Cynthia? - Of course she's all right, Charlie. Stop fussing.

Well, at least your dancing stint's over.

Thank goodness. I was hopeless.

- You danced very well. - Yeah, you did, Arnold. Damn well.

- The judges look familiar, don't they? - That's the Rat Pack.

It's funny, knowing who's going to win.

Pardon?

- Looks bad. - What?

- Poor devil. - What looks bad, Charlie?

Well, you can sense people staring and moving away.

Not that he's noticed, of course. Blind as the proverbial bat, is Arnold.

Barney must have 20/20 foresight.

The rise and rise of the yuppies.

Could be a rough night.

- How long till the result? - Not long. This is the last one.

- Why all this interest in the judging? - Barman! Large Scotch, please.

End of the old order, eh, Jim?

Will someone please tell me what's going on?

I love you, Arnold.

Well, of course you do. What a daft thing to say.

- Hey, isn't that the Somerset-Browns? - Where?

Over there. You know, they've got those two ugly daughters.

No, that's the Norton-Carlisles. They have a son. He's in prison.

Oh. Oh, well, at least they haven't got two ugly daughters.

- I think I did a deal with him once. - What, Norton-Carlisle?

No, no, no, no. That son of his.

- Arnold? - Mmm?

(Applause )

It's just that I may have seemed a bit distant in the past, and...

I think it had summat to do with a consignment of rubber,

stuck fast in the hold of a Romanian freighter somewhere in t'Baltic.

That was the tale, anyway. He told me that...

Oh, do stop fiddling, girl. What's the matter with you tonight?

OK, are we all agreed?

Well, it's just that, whatever people may say,

and however stupidly I may have behaved,

I just want you to know that I love you.

Are you trying to tell me summat?

My lords, ladies and gentlemen, it is now my proud duty to announce to you

the judges' final decision as to the winners of this Grand Jersey Tango Contest.

I have to say that the decision has been unanimous.

They have chosen a couple well-known to us here on Jersey,

indeed, a couple who have been intimately involved with the organisation of this event.

I now call upon the lady member of the partnership

to step up for a special exhibition dance

with Jersey's very own Mr Tango,

Pepe Mendoza!

(Drum roll)

Ladies and gentlemen, the lady in question is...

Mrs Rita Smith!

(Embarrassed laughter and late applause )

- What about Nigel?. - We've done everything we were going to do.

There wasn't any more.

Rita's putting her money into a studio. I'm putting mine into a van.

- So we can tour around the exhibition dances. - It's a real partnership.

Yeah. Good, eh?

Right pair of raggle-taggle gypsies, ain't you? Well, I hope it all works out for you.

Do you think you'll ever come back?

- Who knows? - Anything can happen.

And does.

It's just, you have to be able to see it.

(Foghorn blasts )