Original subtitles

(Applause and laughter)

(Man over PA) It was Malcy. You remember Malcy, of course, he's a close friend of all of us.

Well, he emigrated to Canada and sadly he died out there.

He got off the plane and he saw this great big sign that said, "Drink Canada Dry",

and he did.

Ladies and gentlemen I'd love to stay here all day and maybe even tell a few more jokes.

Some of them might even be new. But I'm too scared somebody might steal them.

Let's get on with the business in hand

and how I would love to get some of that in hand.

Thank you, Andy Galbraith. Come on, let's hear it for Andy.

Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen,

the last chance for you and the judges to have a look at our lovely three finalists.

Yes. Number 5, contestant number 5, from the heart from the midlands,

Miss Jillian Cosgrove from Birmingham, big hand.

(Harry ) Lovely girl, look at those legs.

And now from gay Paris, hoping for a winning holiday,

number 12, Mademoiselle Danielle Aubert. Danielle?

She was engaged to a millionaire like you, Charlie.

- Oh, was she? - Mm-hm. A lot older than you, of course.

Her friend didn't like it.

She said, "What are you doing, chérie? Your fiancé must be 82 years old!"

She said, "What does it matter",

"if someone gives you a cheque for a million you don't look at the dates."

Now, ladies and gentlemen, our shorthand typist from Kingston, Surrey,

Miss Christine Bolton. Let's have a big hand for Christine.

Yeah! What a cracker.

(Harry ) Thank you, Christine.

Well, there we have it, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, girls.

It's up to the judges now, so let's give them a moment or two.

( - Mellow jazz )

Have we got a decision yet?

- Have we got our winner? - Yes.

- Right. - Yes, we have indeed.

By a unanimous vote... I come last.

Ladies and gentlemen, this year's Jersey Princess

is number 5, Miss Jillian Cosgrove.

Bastard. Rotten bastard.

(Stair creaks )

What in God's name happened to you?

- What happened? - He tried to rape me.

Don't just stand there, call an ambulance!

Sorry, Jim.

- When was she sedated? - About half past one.

She gave a statement to Crozier. He was on duty.

Yeah. He gave the case to me, he always gives me the easy ones.

- We had a word with Andy Galbraith as well. - I got his statement too.

The comedian? He wasn't cracking many gags when we saw him.

- If what she says is true, I wouldn't be joking. - Fair enough.

- Has Dennis examined her yet? - Yes I have. Morning.

- You'd better get your head down. - Oh, right.

- Did you manage to get those pills for me? - Oh, yeah.

Great, thanks.

(PA) WiLL Dr Anwar please report to casualty.

- OK, what's the bad news? - Well, she's coming around.

Is it rape?

Well, attempted rape is just as bad, isn't it?

She couldn't have inflicted those wounds on herself.

Well, if it was self-inflicted, she's made a pretty good job of it.

(Jim ) Right, Christine.

You said Mr Galbraith arrived at your room round about midnight, right?

Yeah, he was drunk.

He hadn't been drinking downstairs.

He wouldn't, would he? Too mean to pay bar prices.

He has a bottle in his room for when he gets back from the theatre.

- How do you know that? - He told me.

He started off by asking me to his room for a drink.

You sure you didn't invite him into your room?

- He barged his way in. - Did what?

- Barged his way in! - Are you sure?

Yes.

All right. There's one thing I'm not quite clear about.

You say Mr Galbraith gave his casting vote in the contest to another girl.

If he did that, he must have known he'd be out of favour with you to say the least.

And he finds his way to your doorstep, how?

He still fancied me and he fancied his chances.

First he gave me a cock and bull story about wanting to cheer me up

and pretty soon he started trying to make me...

And you, of course, had to fight him off, right?

- He got quite violent. - Did he?

- He didn't have a scratch on him. - So what?

You see my face?!

I remember reading that inside lots of comedians

is a pretty nasty guy trying to get out.

Now I know.

(Accordion playing)

- (Man ) Mr Galbraith? - Yeah?

A couple of letters for you.

Good morning, ladies, good morning. What?

To Vanessa, my daughter.

Your daughter? What were you, a child bride?

- You've missed Andy, he's gone to the theatre. - It's you I wanted to see, Lil.

It's about Christine.

Staggered in in front of everybody, like a scene from a mafia movie.

- You mean you didn't believe her? - I didn't say that, did I?

Not too good for The Barge's image, though. How is she?

She won't be winning any beauty contest for a bit but she's all right.

I want to see her room.

Your lot went over it last night.

I know, but I want to see it again.

What number is Andy in?

Same as he has every year, number ten. Hates big hotels.

You didn't by any chance see him last night, did you, before it happened?

No, I didn't. You're asking an awful lot of questions about him, Jim.

She booked in a week ago.

Did she ever have anybody up here? Girlfriends? Fellas?

Not to my knowledge.

- What else are those eyes and ears noticing? - What are you looking for?

Any sign of something going on between her and Andy Galbraith.

As far as I'm aware, they hardly spoke.

This could do Andy's reputation a hell of a lot of harm.

We need the girl to stay on the island for another couple of weeks.

We've booked her into a hotel.

There'll be somebody around to pick up her things.

Well, if you hadn't said she was moving, I would.

OK everybody, let's... try this opening. Ready?

Keep it right. Take it from the top.

(Lively music starts )

A bit slower, a bit slower.

- I'll always leave you laughing, never make you cry

- Just you keep right on laughing, you can do it if you try -

Now it's jokesey time, it's jokesey time.

Did you hear the one about the charabanc that drew up outside the pearly gates?

St Peter came out and said, "Good morning, everybody."

"Before you go in to meet God, there are two things you ought to know."

"She's black."

- Laughter is my medicine when I'm feeling low

- Even when inside of me the tears begin to flow

- But I'm making you this promise

- That you will never know

- For I'll always leave you laughing,

- Keep on laughing, laughing

- Till it's time...to...go -

That's better, that's much better! You see, you can do it when you try.

If I don't get what I want I'll call a rehearsal every day of the run.

Not if it's coming out of his pocket.

What was that Mr Magic?

And what have you got in your pocket? A new trick? It's about time.

Hello, hello, hello. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a real live Jersey copper in the house.

You can always tell by the way they walk faster than the local traffic.

See Jim's feet? Now you see what it as was like the first Monday in the Glasgow empire.

- I'd like a word, Andy. - Yes, sure anything for you, Jim.

In private.

Oh, sure, sure.

OK, everybody, that'll do for this morning.

- It's got to be a joke? - Andy, it is no joke.

I never touched her!

What sort of monster do you think I am?

This has happened to me before, it's happened to all of us.

If you're a well-known entertainer, that's an occupational hazard.

There was a make-up girl in the TV studio some years ago, when I had a show there.

I have no idea what her problem was but she screamed rape.

It's ridiculous!

Last year it was a teenager in Aberdeen. Check with the police up there if you like.

There's a bit more to this one, isn't there?

If you mean the beauty contest, you got it all in my statement.

Do you think she was after revenge?

A few days ago, she offered it to me on a plate,

- if I'd made sure she'd won. - Which she denied.

- I told her away, and don't be silly. - It didn't affect the contest?

No, but it obviously affected her, didn't it?

She reckoned she'd blown her chances even before the flesh parade

and I'd maybe taken it out on her.

Now she's taking it out on me.

It's against my principles. I need another drink.

You went back to The Royal Barge after the show, and then you went for a walk?

Look, Jim, I know I'm supposed to be the funny man, but give us a joke, will you?

- This whole thing's getting far too serious. - Andy, it is very serious.

All right, here it is again.

I went to the all-night chemist. I suffer from hay fever very badly this time of year.

I have a prescription for some antihistamine pills.

- Then you went for a walk around again? - For a while. I was thinking about the show.

- (Knock on door) - Come.

- There you are, Jim. - Hi, Dennis.

Who is this?

Dr Lejeune. Dr Lejeune, Andy Galbraith.

This is the police doctor.

I'm sorry, Andy, but we need some samples from underneath your fingernails.

Oh. Free manicure. That can't be bad.

You mean that little dark girl, who was runner-up?

Yeah, little bitch is trying to make a name for herself.

- By accusing you of rape?! - That's right, Charlie.

Andy Galbraith, your friendly local sex maniac. "With a leer and a song."

- I can almost see the headlines. - This is appalling!

Are you sure you still want to play?

Since when did a wee matter of rape interrupt a game of golf?

Oh! Made a right hash of that one.

I'm not surprised. I don't know how you can play with that on your mind.

What's on my mind, Charlie, is a good lawyer.

Have mine, Roger Dubree. Best on the island.

Surely, won't the police just drop it, once they've established that she's a liar?

The trouble is, if any of this gets out in the meantime I'm worried about the box office.

Yeah, so am I.

- That's why I thought I better tell you. - Tell me what?

You know the copper on the case, Jim Bergerac.

Sorry, Jim, I was on the phone. What can I do for you?

I was hoping you might be able to help me, Harry.

Yeah?

- Hello. - Hi.

This is, Jill, Jillian Cosgrove, our new Jersey Princess.

Congratulations.

We were just going over our itinerary. Thank you, Jill.

See you later, darling, pick you up at seven.

- Getting the works, is she, Harry? - The hours I put in, Jim.

Oh, yeah, I bet.

- It's about Christine Bolton. - Yeah, it's a small island, I had heard.

- What have you heard? - Rumours.

Somebody slapped her about a bit. Face cuts, assault, stuff like that.

Yeah, that's right. Let's talk about the beauty contest.

Yeah. Why do I do it, eh?

There's always dramas, Jim, before and after.

- You with me? - Yes, I am.

Yesterday's contest wasn't fixed, was it?

Absolutely not.

You seem to have got a few perks though.

- I'm not breaking the law. - No, I just want some background information.

I wasn't voting, remember, Jim, I was emceeing.

You're not suggesting it was rigged?

I just want to know if somebody got at those judges.

Why didn't you ask them?

- (Children laughing) - (Gasps ) Oh, no!

Can't be! It is! It is..

A bunny rabbit!

- (Children boo ) - (Magician ) A bunny rabbit!

You want a real rabbit at these prices? Why didn't you say so?

Shazam alakazam!

- (Children gasp) - There you are!

Thank you very much, boys and girls,

you've been a wonderful audience. Thank you very much.

Don't applaud, just throw money. Thank you, very much. Bye-bye, everybody.

- You're the copper who was at the theatre. - That's right.

You've been over here for several summers, haven't you?

- More years than I care to remember. - Yeah?

- You must know Andy Galbraith quite well?. - As well as I need.

That's a good trick!

- Fancy a nip? - No, thanks. Never drink a prop.

Have that then. Forgot to give it to one of the kids.

Oh, thanks a bunch.

- How's the show going? - Well, so far the box office is good,

which means our favourite comedian will be stashing it away.

Makes himself a nice fat fee and the rest of us just about eat.

- Andy Galbraith owns the show? - Yes, him and his Jersey backers.

The directors of the theatre. That's where all the gravy goes.

- Why did you agree to do it then? - Not a lot of work these days, mate.

Is the same true for Andy Galbraith?

Oh, he's not worried, he's made his pile.

Nice house, a couple of acres.

He spent years ripping off supporting artists like me. Mugs.

In the old days, he wasn't so bad.

Him and his missus, Hilda, used to do a double act.

I remember her, she was a singer, wasn't she?

That's right. Singer, real doll.

Always made sure there was a few quid extra if it had been a good week.

When she disappeared, the bonuses disappeared into his pocket.

Always leave 'em laughing.

Always leave them short, that's his motto.

Present for you. Jaws I and Jaws II.

- What's the bribe for this time? - What's this?

- Is that Pitman shorthand? - Mm-hm. It's neater than mine.

- Can you read it? - Might be personal.

Well, that's all the better. Go on.

It's a series of lists.

What do you mean? Shopping lists?

No. Was it written by the girl who was attacked?

Yes, Christine Bolton.

It's the kind of things judges ask in beauty contests.

Here, under chief interests, she writes,

"cars, discos, films and holidays."

Then she substitutes "cars" and "discos"

for "sailing and reading historical novels."

And under ambition, she starts off, "To be a beautician",

and changes that to "Would like to do social work."

- That's new, isn't it? - What's all that about?

It's very interesting, "Building the right image".

Or cleaning up your act.

I think you both know Roger Dubree?

- Jim, Barney. - Roger.

Mr Dubree is here about the allegation against Andy Galbraith.

Who put you onto this one? Charlie Hungerford?

Does it matter? The point is, what have we got so far?

Inquiries are still continuing.

I see. Which means you've got nothing.

I think I'll be the judge of that. Barney?

One person's word against another. Very difficult.

Especially for my client.

Do you have any idea what would happen to Mr Galbraith

should an inkling of this trumped up charge against him become public?

Rog, there's been no charge yet.

Accusation. It could kill his summer show, a family show!

We're running an investigation, not an advertising campaign.

I'm urging that this matter be cleared up quickly. The chief agrees.

Perhaps I should say, he appreciates the risks involved.

Yes. Yes, I think we all realise the risks

and we appreciate that a lot of people's livelihood could be at stake.

Any delay, whatever the reason, goes against us.

Now if there is a case it better be damn good, and you better be quick,

or my next meeting will be with the solicitor general's office.

We're not exactly sitting around on our arses.

Maybe not, but I think the chief understands.

If any mud were to stick unjustly on my client over this,

he'll be advised to go for substantial damages.

Thank you for your time. Good day, gentlemen.

- He's trying to hassle us. - Lack of evidence, Jim.

- I read the files this morning. - (Knock on door)

I thought I'd pop in to let you know.

Galbraith's fingernails are clear.

100% carbolic.

Then his cousin arrives, you see, and he says,

(Indian accent) "Patoo, here is what you must do."

"You go to the manpower office and tell them you want a lovely job on the bus."

So he goes to the office and says, "Please, I am very much wanting to be a conductor."

So they nailed him to a chimney.

Oh, Harry, give us a minute, will you?

They've got nothing, no proof.

Well, not against me, how could they have?

What about the girl?. Nothing on her, no dirt?

Well, if they did have any doubts about her, they didn't reveal as much to me.

Whose side are they taking?

Seeing the chief was one thing and I did go somewhat against my better judgment but, er,

guessing attitude is another.

Hm.

- Jim Bergerac will play it fair, I hope. - He usually does.

Mind you, if there's the slightest shred of evidence against you,

- you better watch it. - No fear of that.

Hey. This fella joins the police force.

And after a few months his friend says, "What's it like?" He says, "It's not bad.

"The shifts are all right, pay's quite good."

"But the marvellous thing is, the customer's always wrong."

Until he gets a good lawyer to defend him.

Sergeant Bergerac?

You're not Sergeant Bergerac, are you?

And no smoking in here, please.

I know coppers see 'em all, but you should see some of the weirdoes who get in here.

- Yeah, I bet. - Drug addicts.

Nutters for anything from corn pads to medicine.

- Did you find it? - Oh, yes. That's Mr Galbraith's prescription.

Thanks. Do you remember him coming in here last night?

- Vaguely. - You must have recognised him,

he's a famous comedian.

I've been doing this night job for over 20 years. I'll catch up when they bring in breakfast telly.

What time did he come in? Around midnight?

- Well, it could have been. - Yeah, all right, thanks.

Do get trouble with that junkie?

No. He's for corn pads.

This is the drug prescription.

Oh, I give up.

Good night, and thanks.

- Oh, thanks, Lil. - You're up early this morning.

Yeah, couldn't sleep.

Hope it wasn't a guilty conscience.

No. No, I traded mine in a long time ago.

- You know Jim Bergerac pretty well, don't you? - Yes.

Any idea of what he makes of this rape rubbish?

I wouldn't know. I'm not sure I'd tell you if I did.

Me, I'm strictly on the fence.

And on the shelf too, I suppose.

Criminal waste.

Eat your breakfast before it gets cold.

Andy, come here.

You wanna watch it, darling, over these rocks.

Especially with a pair of legs like yours.

- What do you want? - We could break your leg, quite easily.

- Who are you? - Never mind.

- We know who you are. - A little tart!

Causing a friend of ours aggravation.

- Not to mention anxiety. - Telling wicked lies.

Let me go!

Make sure you understand, darling,

you tell the police how you made it all up and then get off the island.

The next time, you'll be right out of the beauty business.

- Here you are. Take a swig of that. - Thanks.

Two men in their mid 30s you said, right?

A couple of heavies. He must have paid them to do me over.

- Have you been back to The Barge? - Have I hell?.

- Not even last night? - Not even last night!

Why do you ask?

Somebody painted something on Andy Galbraith's car.

- So what did it say? - Just one word.

"Rapist".

If he's blaming me for that, that's why he sent those thugs.

- We can't be sure of that, can we? - Who else would do it?

There's no sign of them. We've searched the rocks for half a mile.

They wouldn't hang around here, would they?

Don't tell me you think I made this up too?

- No witnesses. - How long do I have to stay on this island?

We won't keep you any longer than we have to.

- And you still haven't arrested Andy Galbraith? - Same problem, lack of a witness.

If there had been any witnesses, he wouldn't have tried to rape me.

It's the same old story, isn't it? A girl complains she's been attacked

and you lot make her suspect number one!

Christine, I know how it must seem to you. Justice isn't being done, is it?

No it bloody isn't.

If he is guilty, his joking days are over, all right?

(Gangster accent) Don't move, this is a stick-up.

- Hi, Jim. - Hello, Andy.

Just off to see the orphans. If my jokes don't work, this lot will.

- You wouldn't like to come along? - No thanks, Andy, I'm busy.

Busy sorting out that dangerous little cow, I hope.

It's not proper for me to be speaking to you.

Why? We're good friends.

That's the trouble with the police, they're becoming too impersonal.

Andy, somebody tried to do over Christine Bolton this morning.

How do you mean?

They were big, and they leaned on her.

Rough stuff, eh? Who were they then?

Nobody knows.

But if you thought Christine did your car over, it's a way of getting back at her.

- Is that what she thinks? - Makes sense.

If she'll lie about me and her, she'll lie about anything.

On the other hand, if she was threatened...

You're beginning to sound like a feed handing me a cue for a punch line.

Only it's not funny any more.

Me, hire and a couple of heavies? That's a laugh in itself.

If they existed they might just happen to be a some my fans.

Now if you will excuse me, I must just be on my way.

(Barney ) Jim...

Come and listen to this.

Hello, Harry.

Tell the sergeant, Mr Rousseau.

Last night I was... entertaining the new Jersey Princess.

- Oh yeah. Her diary, was it? - She asked who you were.

I mentioned the rumours she'd heard a bit too, that it was rape.

I didn't say that.

OK, but the princess said if any bloke was being held responsible,

there's a few things you ought to know.

Such as?

Two girls were quite close in the early rounds.

Christine said she wasn't a shorthand typist any more

and that she didn't live with her family.

So all that cosy biog stuff goes for a burton, don't it?

Go on.

Neither is she the innocent little virgin that she made out.

That doesn't necessarily count against her.

Maybe not. But she also said that she worked some place in London

where it was a poor night if she didn't make 50 quid.

- (Knock on door) - Yeah?

- Oh. Hello, Jim. - Hello, Charlie.

- Unexpected pleasure. - Yeah.

Oh, are you going somewhere, Jim?

- You should have been a detective. - I couldn't afford it.

I don't suppose you'd have a drink about?

Of course not, now that your French girl's gone.

I've got to catch the London plane, so tell me what you want.

I gather Roger Dubree talked to you?

Yes. And Andy Galbraith, and now you.

- You're way out of line. - Come off it!

When a man's reputation is at stake, and a man like Andy, who's practically one of us.

Well, he wouldn't run the risk of playing the fool with a girl like that.

- You're giving him an alibi? - No, he wouldn't stoop to that.

I should hope not.

Anyway, why are you off to London in the middle of all this?

- You know you can't ask questions like that. - Why not? I'm concerned!

What, about Andy? Or whether the show might have to close?

Well, I've got a few shares...

You own half the theatre to be exact.

You're just frightened of losing your top liner.

Couldn't get a replacement.

Any comedian worth his salt is in some other show by now.

I'm sorry, but that, as they say, is showbiz.

- FLying through the night

- FLoating on the wing

- To the city Light Night Birds, with the Love they bring

- SLowLy they descend

- Through the darkened sky

- To the night again

- Night Birds kiss the day goodbye -

What's Chris been up to?

- As if I didn't have a hunch. - What hunch would that be, Mr Houghton?

- Lee. - Lee.

- Do you want a drink? On the house? Kate? - No thanks.

I'll just enjoy the view, on the house?

Just a bottle of water.

Been a bad girl, has she?

She had some naughty habits when she was here.

Pity. We had a thing going for a time. But I had to lose her.

- Wasn't she one of your attractions? - I'll say.

You ever clocked that figure on her?

No, it was her nimble fingers that was the trouble. Wallets.

I used to have to make her give 'em back.

If the punters are penniless because she's taking their loot, how will I earn a living?

- Stands to reason, doesn't it? - Fair is fair.

And you, of course, never rip the punters off?

What sort of question is that, coming from a cop?

Are they all like this over in Jersey?

Can I ask you a straight question, cos I need a straight answer.

Try me.

Christine, was in a beauty line-up in Jersey

and she reckons some joker got carried away afterwards and tried to rape her.

Plenty of guys would want to lay her, but they wouldn't get very far.

She's a toughie.

But even the tough girls get raped sometimes, don't they?

Then it all depends on the fella.

- What about him? - On the face of it, he doesn't look the type.

So, what... you think Chris is pulling some kind of stunt for money?

As far as I can see, money doesn't come into it at all.

Well in that case, it doesn't sound a bit like her.

You check closer on the bloke.

(Man over radio ) BBC Radio Oxford, we're on 95.2 MHz VHF... '

(Jim ) I was just passing and I saw the board.

(Woman ) I'm afraid you might be wasting your time.

Thanks for showing me around anyway.

The for sale sign should have been down. We accepted an offer two weeks ago.

Mind you, we've been let down once or twice.

- How long has the house been on the market? - For about three months now.

We're moving to somewhere smaller, going back to Scotland.

- Ah, yes. Don't I know that face? - That's my husband.

That's Andy Galbraith, isn't it?

Yes, he's in the Channel Islands, doing a summer show.

- He's leaving you to look after the sale? - Andy always leaves things like that to me.

I suppose he is away a lot.

Whether he is or whether he's not.

Would you like to see the garden?

Yes, yes, I would, please.

To tell the truth, Andy hasn't been getting a lot of work these days.

That's why we're selling the house.

Not that I should be telling you!

Don't worry. I'm not going to take advantage.

(Piano playing)

(Applause )

Thank you very much. You have been the best matinee audience we've had all day.

May I just welcome, there's a big party in from Birmingham today

she's here with her husband, who's just a little fella.

(Phone ringing)

Yes?

Oh, it's you Mrs Galbraith. How are you?

Yes, he's just coming off now.

Well, if you hang on, I'll put you through in a minute.

We hope we'll see you next time.

- In the meantime, don't forget... - (Piano introduction )

- I'll always leave you laughing

- Keep on laughing, laughing

- Till it's time to go -

(Phone )

Yeah?

Andy, are you OK? You haven't phoned for two nights.

Oh, crikey. Yes, I'm sorry about that.

I've been busy. You know, problems with the show.

A right lot in the company this year, gangsters!

- You sound tired. - Well, I'm knackered. Two shows today.

Sure you don't want me to come over?

Ah... No, no, don't do that, you've enough to occupy you there.

(Knock on door)

Look, love, I've got to go, some people have just come round.

Well, what's the score? Any news?

Unfortunately, our friend Bergerac is like a dog with a bone.

He always bloody well was.

- Lee! - Hi, Chris.

What the hell are you doing here?

Well, well. Isn't this nice?

What are you doing in Jersey?

Felt like a bit of sea air and sunshine.

- It's so unhealthy at the club. - Who told you?

Thought you might need some help.

This comedian really jump on you then?

Not you too.

I don't get it, Chris.

You haul him into court, get him found guilty, but what do you get out of it?

- They'll put him away. - That's a stupid game.

Why?

Poor little Miss Innocence gets attacked by a villainous comic.

It's a scandal. You get a bit of public sympathy, but what else?

(Camera clicking)

Make him pay a price for you to drop it.

- Would he? - I bet he's shaking in his baggy pants.

Must worth at least five grand to him.

Leave it to me. Half each, OK?

So that's it, then?

There's nothing there really to go on, is there?

You found out that the girl isn't as pure as the driven snow but who is these days?

She's also a thief and a liar.

Maybe, Jim. But flaws do not count as hard facts. You know that as well as I do.

You say Andy may be broke but so are many other people,

it doesn't make them go out and commit rape.

No, there's no way. You go to court with that the way it stands

and Roger Dubree will wipe the floor with you.

Let's forget it. Tell Christine Bolton to go home and let Andy Galbraith get on with his funnies.

Not that I think he's very funny, never have.

(Chorus singing in theatre )

Been listening to your act. Very good.

Who the hell are you? How did you get in here?

I'm going to do you a big favour, Andy.

You don't mind if I call you Andy?

Just what's your game?

- Know him? - That is Lee Houghton. Christine's ex.

Runs a topless joint where she worked.

- You tipped him off? - It could be very interesting.

Wilson followed him to the theatre.

- What are you up to, Jim? - Why don't we just wait and see, all right?

Never mind why, Hilda.

Just open the box and bring me the big brown envelope.

You're in some kind of trouble, aren't you?

Just bring me the envelope. There's a plane in a couple of hours.

- Just lost a race or something? - Gee gees are not for me, Lil.

Even my rocking horse broke a leg when I was a kid.

- Have another drink. - Just the merest.

Oh, erm... What's Charlie Hungerford's number again?

- (Charlie ) You can't be serious! - You haven't heard it all yet.

Whatever my interest in the theatre, or the show, I do urge you not to.

It's tantamount to admitting you're guilty.

- I'm not asking for your advice. - Well I'm giving it.

What makes you think those cheap jacks will keep their promise?

Look what that girl has done to you already.

This is to settle matters.

I want you to put a word in the right ear. Yeah?

(Drum roll)

- No, do-do-do-do-do-do

- If you go, do-do-do-do-do-do

- It's sixty seconds to the moment I've been waiting for

- Hold me even tighter, I need you, come on

- You're the one I adore

- You're worth fighting for, oh! -

- Very incognito, aren't we? - Skip the patter. Here.

- ..leave your troubles behind... -

- Must be like giving your own blood. - Yes.

- Is it my destiny... -

Worth it, though, to keep the show running.

- A feeling so true when you're here next to me

- Oh, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you

- Oh, I do

- And you know all the while you can make me smile

- Before you return, I know... -

- They've got them in there. - Right.

- It makes no difference! - Of course it does, don't be so bloody stupid!

- He tried to rape me, that's the truth! - You and the truth have grown apart.

Nobody's gonna believe a word you say now, are they?

- Forget it, Chris. - It was your bloody idea!

The only prosecution you've ensured is you own. For extortion!

- Wilson? - Yes, sir?

Take them down to the office.

Hello, Hilda, nice to see you in Jersey again.

Nice to be back.

- Thought you'd be at the theatre. - No, I know all the jokes by heart.

So glad the police finally arrested that girl.

- What girl?. - Christine Bolton. Jim just told me.

- Jim? Who's Jim? - Sergeant Bergerac.

He's over there.

Oh, yeah, lost his keys again!

That was an underhand trick at the house.

I'm sorry, Mrs Galbraith. I was just trying to be discreet.

- Attempted rape? - It's all over now.

Asking for money put an end to the whole thing.

You think so?

Er... Why don't you take a seat.

Inspector Crozier, this is Mrs Galbraith. Mrs Galbraith, Inspector Crozier.

Would you like a drink? Lil?.

What are you trying to say, Mrs Galbraith?

- There'll be others. - How do you mean, "others"?

It's happened before.

Last time it was in Australia.

You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?

At first, I believed him.

Andy is a very persuasive liar, you know, everything with a joke and a smile.

Then one day...

somehow I just knew it was him.

He's sick. He needs some sort of treatment

but I never had the courage to do anything, not even to leave.

I suppose it's my failure too, isn't it?

I mean, when your husband has to...

You know a wife can't be asked to testify against her husband.

(Jim ) Unless she wants to.

Are you willing to do it?

It's for his own good...

before he really injures somebody.

(Musical introduction )

Thank you, very, very much, ladies and gentlemen.

You have been a remarkable, wonderful audience.

If you enjoyed the show, please go and tell your friends,

if you haven't, please keep your big mouth shut.

Whatever you do, remember...

- I'll always leave you laughing, never make you cry

- Just you keep on laughing, you can do it... -

You know, my friends would always describe me an exemplary character.

I don't drink or smoke, I don't go out with other women,

I get up very early, take a lot of exercise,

I work very hard and they don't pay me very much.

My, God, all that's gonna change just as soon as I get out of jail.

(Laughter)