Original subtitles

THE BRADY BUNCH #098SS CLOSED CAPTIONED

♪ Here's the story ♪

♪ Of a lovely lady ♪

♪ Who was bringing up ♪

♪ Three very lovely girls ♪

♪ All of them had hair of gold ♪

♪ Like their mother ♪

♪ The youngest one in curls ♪

♪ It's the story of a man named Brady ♪

♪ Who was busy with three boys of his own ♪

♪ They were four men living all together ♪

♪ Yet they were all alone ♪

♪ Till the one day when ♪

♪ The lady met this fellow ♪

♪ And they knew that it was ♪

♪ Much more than a hunch ♪

♪ That this group must ♪

♪ Somehow form a family ♪

♪ That's the way we all ♪

♪ Became the Brady Bunch ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch ♪

♪ That's the way we became ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch. ♪

Captioning Sponsored by PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

( badly played, halting organ music )

That's terrible!

( laughing )

Hi. How am I doing?

Well, I don't know who finally kicked you out of the house

with that thing, but I'm glad.

What do you know about music anyway?

Oh, is that what it is?

My teacher likes it.

Then how come she loaned you the organ

and told you to practice at home?

Ha-ha.

( giggling )

( strikes dissonant chord )

Sure, I can keep a secret, Sam.

What's the secret?

Well, you met my cousin Clara, huh?

Yeah. So?

Go on.

Well, she wants us to be best man and maid of honor.

She's eloping.

Eloping!

Alice, I told you this was a big secret.

Will you shush?

I'm shushing.

This is so exciting, Sam.

When's it going to be?

They elope next Sunday.

That way it won't interfere with our Saturday night bowling date.

Oh, well, that's great.

I'd even give that up for an elopement.

What a surprise, Sam.

Say, Alice, as long as you're going to be maid of honor,

you'll probably want to wear something special, right?

For an occasion like this,

I'll buy the fanciest dress in town.

Swell. Well, see you Saturday night at 8:00 for bowling.

Oh, I'll be ready.

And waiting.

Oh, hi, girls. How was school?

Dull compared to what seems to be going on around here.

Around here?

Oh, you mean with Sam.

Yeah, with Sam.

We were just talking about our big bowling date.

Sam and I are in the semifinals

of the mixed doubles tournament.

( giggling )

Sure, you are.

What's so funny about bowling?

Nothing. We understand, Alice.

What do you think?

What do I think?

I know: Alice and Sam are eloping.

Oh, wow!

Wow, wow, wow, wow!

What makes you think Alice and Sam are eloping?

Well, we sort of overheard

a phone conversation between them.

You mean you were eavesdropping?

No! Not at all. Honest.

Well, anyway, you two could be jumping to conclusions.

But Alice even used the word "elope."

And she was all excited about it.

Well, if Alice were going to elope,

I'm sure she would be considerate enough

to tell us she was going to be gone.

Unless, of course, Sam asked her to keep it secret

for some reason.

Right. And it's strictly their own business,

and none of ours.

Maybe Alice just has to be coaxed a little to tell us.

Girls, if Alice wants to tell us,

she'll tell us.

Right. Like I said, it's their own business

and none of ours.

Snooping is a definite no-no.

Here's Mike and me on our honeymoon, Alice.

Now, that's a romantic picture.

Oh, it was.

Did you know that our original plan

was to elope... secretly?

That's what makes an elopement an elopement.

'Course, we had to change our minds.

And, well, we figured somebody would find out.

Did you know very few people can keep a secret?

Yeah. Zippers weren't invented for lips.

I must say, though, I've always been able to keep a secret.

That's good. Like you say, not too many people can.

Well, I mean, if someone close to me

were planning an elopement, she could trust me implicitly.

If you know what I mean.

Mrs. Brady, are you concerned that...

that some member of this household

is planning a secret elopement?

Well... it's a possibility.

Yeah, I suppose so, but, as far as I know,

Marcia isn't even going steady.

( phone ringing )

Hello. Mike Brady.

Hey, Sam. What can I do for you?

Well, Mr. Brady, you being an architect and all,

I was wondering if I might ask you a question house-wise.

Sure, Sam. Fire away.

Well, you see, I have this friend

who's planning on getting married...

Oh?

Anybody we know?

No, no. Just a friend of mine.

But, anyway, he doesn't have a lot of loot

so he's looking around for some nice low-cost housing.

I see.

Uh... well, Sam, now, this friend of yours--

when's he planning on getting married?

Well, the elopement-- I mean the wedding--

will be pretty quick now.

Oh, yeah, well, I think I understand.

Um... Sam, let me check around with a few brokers,

and I'll get back to you, okay?

Gee, thanks a lot, Mr. Brady.

I really appreciate that.

Aw, not at all.

Oh, Sam, would you tell the bride and groom

that my wife, myself and all of our children

wish them health and happiness and good fortune?

Thanks a lot, Mr. Brady.

I'll tell them what you said. Bye.

Good-bye, Sam.

Hi, Sam. Hi, Reverend.

Hi, kids.

Hi, Greg. How are you?

What brings you by?

Alice asked us to stop by after school

so we could pick up her order.

Oh, fine. I'll be right with you.

How's the family?

Fine, thanks.

Good.

Any good weddings lately, Reverend?

Seems like I'm tying more knots

than a troop of Boy Scouts, Greg.

Do you have any more coming up soon?

You never know, Marcia.

Seems like it's open season on grooms.

Yep. One never knows, huh, Reverend?

Let's see. That will be $3.50.

That much?

Well, like they say,

"It's better to give than to receive."

Like they also say, "Do not covet thy neighbor's wallet."

Bye-bye, Reverend.

I'll get Alice's order for you.

Thanks, Sam.

This really cinches it, Greg.

The reverend is proof positive.

You know something? If this were a trial,

I think we've got enough evidence for a conviction.

Right. Alice is guilty of marriage.

Alice and Sam.

Hey, maybe we can buy our meat wholesale now.

There's still one thing

about this elopement we don't know:

When is it going to take place?

Excuse me, folks.

Mr. and Mrs. Brady, I was wondering...

Is anything wrong?

Um... not at all, Alice.

What makes you say that?

Well, the way you were staring at me,

I thought maybe I'd left my face in the other room.

Alice, you look positively radiant.

Your eyes are twinkling and your cheeks are glowing.

You'll make a beautiful bride.

Uh... someday.

Yeah, sure, someday.

What I wanted to ask you, folks,

is it okay if I take Saturday night off?

This Saturday?

Yeah.

Any special reason, Alice?

Yeah. Sam and I are in a big bowling tournament.

Bowling, huh?

( giggles )

That's what the lady said-- bowling.

Bowling.

( both chuckling )

She said bowling.

Bowling.

Bowling?

Bowling.

Oh, bowling!

What's so funny about the word "bowling" lately?

Alice, of course you can have Saturday night off.

In fact, you can have the whole day off.

Alice, we couldn't be happier about your bowling date.

You know, I also think Alice should take a week or so off

for the honeymoon.

We'll insist.

First thing in the morning,

I'll call the employment agency

and try to get a temporary replacement.

Mike, you don't think Alice will leave us

after she's married, do you?

Oh, no. I think she would have told us by now.

Well, what puzzles me

is why Alice doesn't tell us about the elopement.

Well, maybe she and Sam think

we'd make a big deal out of it if we knew.

Well, of course we'd make a big deal out of it.

Alice means a great deal to us.

Yes. But, honey, maybe they don't want a big reception.

Well, It doesn't have to be a big reception.

Just a small family reception.

You know, Mike, I was just thinking.

Uh-huh. I kind of figured you were.

Boy, are Sam and Alice going to be surprised

when they walk in

on their own wedding reception.

Anything special you want me

to add to the shopping list?

Well, you might just get

a couple extra packages of rice, Alice.

( doorbell rings )

Oh, you go right ahead.

I'll get it.

( doorbell rings )

Mrs. Brady?

Yes?

Oh, I'm Gladys Harris.

The employment agency referred me

for the housekeeping job.

Oh, yes. The agency said they'd phone

before they'd send anyone over.

Oh, I'm afraid that's my fault.

I just happened to be in the area,

so I thought I'd drop by.

I hope it's not inconvenient.

Oh, no. Not at all. As a matter of fact,

you have split-second timing, Mrs. Harris.

Oh, you have a lovely home.

Thank you.

I hope you know the job is just temporary.

Our housekeeper is just going to be gone a week or so.

I... I understand.

Are there any special requirements?

No. Just the usual:

housekeeping, cleaning, laundry.

But I guess I should mention the fact

that we have six children.

Six. Well, that's a lot of diapers under the bridge.

Happily, that's all behind.

( laughs heartily )

I like you.

Why don't I show you the rest of the house?

I think you'll find the kitchen

quite practical, Mrs. Harris.

Alice!

Hi, Mrs. Brady. I...

I forgot the shopping list.

Yeah, uh... um...

Mrs. Harris... Mrs. Harris, this is, um... Alice Nelson.

Alice Nelson, this is Mrs. Harris.

Mrs. Harris here is an old friend of the family.

A what?

How are Jim and the kids, huh?

Oh, they're...

I'll bet the boys have children

of their own by now, don't they?

How is Mary Jennings?

Oh, how well I remember the good old times

the three of us used to have.

Good times, yes. Wonderful!

( stammering )

I'd better be going, old friend.

Uh... Mrs. Harris... Uh... Mrs. Harris...

Uh... I can't wait to get together again

and relive those good old days.

Come on, Alice. What do you got against bowling balls?

They're just not sentimental.

Well, that might hold true for your ordinary,

run-of-the-mill bowling ball,

But this is a matched set: His and Hers.

Sam, that's as about as romantic gift

as a year's supply of chalk for their fingers.

As it turns out, chalk was second on my list.

That figures.

Now, listen, Alice,

you can holler about my always being late,

gripe about the high prices of my meat,

hate my neckties, but, when it comes to bowling,

you've got to have a little respect.

I've got respect for bowling.

But, Sam, two bowling balls.

If Clara drops our present,

she'll go on her honeymoon with ten broken toes.

Also, anybody who thinks that bowling balls

make a rotten wedding gift

doesn't have a whole lot of taste.

Well, is that so?

Yeah.

Well, as far as I'm concerned,

Clara can elope without me Sunday.

And, as far as I'm concerned,

you don't have to go bowling with me Saturday night.

Well, as far as I'm concerned, I won't.

Hmm.

And, as for a couple of other things,

let me tell you this, Mr. Sam the Butcher.

Mm-hmm?

You're always late,

your prices are too high,

and that is the ugliest necktie I ever saw!

( grumbling )

You'll get this, Alice.

Now, this might be the ideal home for Alice and Sam.

It's moderately priced and it's well-built.

Excuse me.

What is it, Alice?

Well, you remember I asked you

for Saturday night off?

Certainly.

Well, as a matter of fact,

we got to talking about that,

and we decided what you really need

is a week off-- maybe two.

Two weeks for a bowling match?

Well, bowling can be a pretty strenuous sport, Alice.

I don't understand.

Well, the important thing is that we understand.

Well, then maybe you'll understand

what I'm about to say.

I don't even need Saturday off.

Why not?

Sam and I had a fight,

and the bowling date's off.

Alice, that is the worst thing I've ever heard in my life.

Well, I appreciate your concern,

but it's only a bowling date.

But it's a very important bowling date.

Well, that's the way the pins fall.

Anyway, Sam's not the best fish in the ocean.

Of course, I'm not the best bait either.

Oh, Mike.

Alice is really sorry about everything.

Did she say so?

You can read it on her face.

Sam, you got to take Alice bowling.

It's that important, huh?

It sure is.

I can almost play the whole song on my organ.

What song?

Uh, it's called "Shut My Mouth Blues."

What do you say, Sam?

Please?

Mmm... No. I'm sorry.

Alice has to make the first move.

Sorry. Sam has got to make the first move.

But what if he doesn't?

Then I just won't go bowling with him.

Alice, we're not just talking about bowling.

No, the ball is now in Sam's alley.

But, Alice, he was meant for you,

and you understand him.

I understand this turkey, too,

but that doesn't mean

I have to go bowling with it.

Honey, I am sorry that Alice and Sam had that argument,

but I really don't think we should meddle.

Not even one little teeny meddle?

What kind of mettle you have in mind?

The kind where you invite Sam over,

Alice opens the door and skyrockets go off.

Yes. Well, that only happens on the 4th of July.

Besides, I don't have any reason to invite Sam over.

Ah, yes! You said you would call Sam back,

let him know what you found out

about low-cost housing, didn't you?

True. But that's before he and Alice had the argument.

Yes, but Sam doesn't know that you know

that that information was for himself and not for a friend.

True. But he'll think I know.

Yeah, but as long as he thinks

that you know that he knows,

and he doesn't know that you think that he...

You're about three thinks I know ahead of me.

I mean, I don't know.

I don't think I know.

Do you know?

No.

Mike...

Hmm?

Couldn't you just call Sam

and invite him over?

Well... okay. Maybe, if we're this confused,

he'll be too confused to refuse.

( chuckles )

( doorbell rings )

Yes?

I came to see Mr. Brady.

Whom shall I say is calling?

You know darn well whom is calling.

Oh, now I recognize you.

It's mighty mouth.

Oh, listen to who's talking.

You've got a tongue sharp enough to slice salami.

What happened to the skyrockets you promised?

Well, sometimes they fizzle out.

Now, are you going to invite me in

or does Mr. Brady have to come out here to talk to me?

Thank you.

Now, if you will just be good enough to announce me...

Skip the formality, Sam.

Just let me have the meat order,

and then you can be on your way

to the sporting goods store

to pick up those His and Hers bowling balls.

For your information,

bowling balls are out this season.

And, uh... electric mixers are in.

Electric mixers?

Electric mixers.

Now, that's romantic.

Mmm... so's this.

There's a little something special

in here for you, Alice.

Four extra lamb chops in pink panties.

( chuckling )

Oh, Sam, it couldn't be better

if it was 14-karat gold.

Listen, meat is more expensive than gold today.

Well, I just couldn't figure

another way to say I was sorry.

I'm sorry, too, Sam.

Well, then, everything's on again for Saturday night?

Everything, just like we planned it.

Great. Great.

And that's a... lovely necktie.

Oh, thanks, Alice.

There go your skyrockets.

Well, folks, this is it.

It sure is, Alice.

Biggest night of my life.

Yeah, the big matchup, huh, Sam?

Boy, if I survive tonight, there'll be no stopping me.

I'll be right there keeping score.

Yeah. Well, happy bowling.

Alice, now, you just relax.

We'll keep the house neat and tidy.

We'll only be gone a little while, Mrs. Brady.

Unless I strike out in the first match.

Then we'll be home sooner.

Now, Alice, you take all the time you need.

Oh, thanks, but Sam can never stay awake

very long after we've been bowling.

( all ughing )

Let's get at it, Sam.

Uh... Sam...

Take care of our girl, will you?

Sure thing, Mr. Brady.

We'll be back in a couple of hours.

Bye.

Bye.

Be back in a couple of hours?

Yeah.

Thanks, Sam. That was a lot of fun.

Yeah, it was.

Boy, we sure took the starch

out of that laundry team, didn't we?

How about a cup of coffee?

Well, maybe half a cup.

You know, we got to get up early tomorrow

for my cousin Clara's elopement.

Surprise!Surprise!

ALL: Surprise! Surprise!

( Bobby tries to play Wagner's "Wedding March" )

CAROL: Champagne toast!

SAM: Thank you!

MIKE: Okay, to the newlyweds!

I'll drink to that.

Who got married?

Bowling date, huh?

To Alice and Sam.

Alice and Sam?

Us?

Alice, we couldn't be happier.

KIDS: Speech! Speech!

Well, I'm sorry I don't have a speech for this occasion,

mostly on account of because there is no occasion.

What do you mean, Alice?

Didn't you and Sam elope tonight?

We never even shook hands.

What made you think we got married?

Circumstantial evidence.

I got it. I bet they confused us

with my cousin Clara.

Clara?

Yeah, Clara is going to elope tomorrow,

and Sam and I are going to stand up

for the bride and groom.

( chuckling )Oh, no...

Alice, I'm sorry. We thought...

I think we goofed.

Oh, please accept our apologies.

Oh, sure. We'll accept your apologies.

I'll also accept a little more champagne.

( laughter )

Okay. Coming up.

Sam, as long as they went to all this trouble...

Alice, say no more.

Folks, I have a very important

announcement to make.

Tonight...

Alice and I...

advanced to the finals in the bowling tournament.

( laughter )

CAROL: It's a party anyway. Come on, everybody.

Cousin Clara never looked prettier.

( sniffling )

It was the nicest elopement I ever went to.

Boy, it must have been to have moved you so.

Even Sam was affected.

We're engaged.

Alice, congratulations!

That's wonderful.

When's the big day?

Well, I've got Sam pretty well pinned down now--

the place, the hour, the date.

There's just one thing he won't commit to.

What? What's that?

The century.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org