All language subtitles for The Brady Bunch_S04E22_You Cant Win Em All

♪ Here's the story
of a lovely lady ♪

♪ Who was bringing up
three very lovely girls ♪

♪ All of them
had hair of gold ♪

♪ Like their mother ♪

♪ The youngest one
in curls ♪

♪ It's the story
of a man named Brady ♪

♪ Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪

♪ They were four men
living all together ♪

♪ Yet they were
all alone ♪

♪ Till the one day when ♪

♪ The lady met this fellow ♪

♪ And they knew that it was ♪

♪ Much more than a hunch ♪

♪ That this group ♪

♪ Must somehow form a family ♪

♪ That's the way we all ♪

♪ Became the Brady Bunch ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch ♪

♪ That's the way we became ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch ♪

-Alice?
-Hmm?

How come we buy
the same things every week?

Maybe because we got
the same kids every week.

Mother! Alice!

Guess what happened
at school today.

What?

I was picked
from all the kids

to be on a television show.

On a television show?!

Yeah. The one called
Question the Kids.

That's the one where kids
from different schools

compete against
one another.

-Right.
-Oh, that's wonderful,
sweetheart.

Well, congratulations,
Cindy.

When are you going
to be on TV?

Well... I'm not sure

I am going to be on television.

But I got picked!

You got picked to do what?

Well, you see,

there are different tests
for different grades,

and I got picked to take
the test for my grade

to see who gets picked
to be on television.

Oh, well, that's still
terrific, honey.

Big deal.

I got picked, too,
for my grade.

Both of you
got picked?!

That's terrific.

We've really got brains
in this family, huh, Alice?

Yeah, two eggheads
in the same nest.

Lots of kids got picked
to take the test,

but only four
get to be on television.

So we'll have
to study real hard

or we won't even
have a chance to win.

It'll be a cinch.

For me, anyway.

Too bad Bobby's
suffering from

a lack of confidence
isn't it?

Hey, Bobby...

-I've got a great idea.
-What?

We both have to take a test
to be on the television show

so why don't we study together?

I don't have time.

-Why not?
-I'm busy.

I'm building
a real Indian teepee

like I saw in the movies.

What's so important
about building an old teepee?

Just ask any old Indian.

I've got to wash
my hair today.

-It looks awful.
-I've got to study
my French.

Lately, it sounds
like Pig Latin.

-Jan?
-Mm-hmm?

Would you help me study?

I'm sorry,
Cindy. I can't.

I've got
to wash my hair.

Can't you
wash it tomorrow?

What? And take a chance

of having
oily follicles?

Would you help me
study, Marcia?

Can't, Cindy.

I've got to study
this French vocabulary.

Then I guess
I might as well

forget about being
on television.

You mean you made it?

You mean you got picked
to take that television test

-that we were talking about?
-Yeah.

Well, sure,
we'll help you.

You will?!

Sure.

Gee, do you
have to learn

both those
big books?

Oh, no.
All of these, too.

Hey, Bobby.

Aren't you supposed to be
studying?

-What for?
-For the test for
the television show.

Don't you want to be on TV?

Sure. But I know
all that stuff.

Cindy's really studying
for her test.

Maybe I'm smarter than she is.

You're not too smart about
putting up a teepee.

Hey, come on,
let's help him.

Hold it.

I know all about putting up
one of these.

Oh. Well, listen to
Big Chief Know It All.

-Hey, you start.
-Okay.

Go.

Uh-huh, just you,
the Swansons and the Clarks.

Yeah. No no no.
Just wear something casual.

Mike's gonna barbecue.

Okay, right. Yeah,
Saturday the 3rd. Okay?

Bye-bye.

Hey, you guys! Look!

[Native-American
style music playing]

-Wow!
-Hey, not bad.

See? I told you
I could do it all by myself.

Hey!

[Greg laughs]

Looks like you Big Mistake.

Ah! Hey, Alice, I think
this solution is finally

getting the rust off
the barbecue.

The Watsons got some
special stuff

they just sprayed on the grill
and ate the rust right away.

Well, why don't we use that?

'Cause it ate the grill, too.

Oh. [chuckles]

-Mike?
-Yeah?

I just talked to the Clarks
and the Bernsteins,

and they said the third
would be just great.

Hey, good. Oh, listen.
I forgot to tell you

I ran into
Ross Allen and Don Metzger

and they'd heard about
the party from Chuck Swanson,

so I had to invite
them, too.

Oh, but, honey,

if we invite
the Allens and the Metzgers

then we're gonna have to invite
the Kaufmans and the Burkes.

Well, why don't
we ask them, too?

Steaks for 14 people?

Well, I could take
a loan on the house.

Mrs. Brady, why don't
we have a Mexican dinner?

It would
cost a lot less.

Hey, Alice, that sounds
like a great idea.

Listen, I thought you
wanted me to barbecue.

I've got some great
Mexican recipes.

They come in three
degrees-- hot, super hot

[gasps] and pass
the fire extinguisher.

I think hot'll be hot enough.

I'll bet that "pass
the fire extinguisher" one

is really something special.

Automatically makes
you a Mexican citizen.

I spent all afternoon
cleaning the barbecue.

Can I see
some of those recipes?

Yeah, sure.

Carol?

Yeah?

What about my barbecue?

Oh!

It looks just terrific.

Adios.

I spent all afternoon
cleaning the barbecue--

really looks terrific.

Aha!
Here's one.

Who gave the famous
speech that started

"Four score
and seven years ago..."?

Abraham Lincoln.

That's right.

I'm gonna give you one
to test your logic.

-So listen real carefully,
it's tricky.
-Okay.

You're the bus driver.
And the bus is empty.

At your first stop,
ten people get on.

At your second stop,
nine people get off,

-but two more get on.
Okay?
-Okay.

Okay, your next stop,
two people get on

and four more get off.

-You got that?
-Got it.

Okay. Now here's your question.

What's the name
of the bus driver?

-The name of the bus driver?
-Yeah.

How should I know?!

"Cindy Brady."

I said you were the bus driver.

I told ya it was tricky.

That was real tricky.

[Greg chuckles] Okay.

Now here's another one,
Cindy.

See if you can get this.

It's tricky now.
You ready?

I'm ready.

There's a rooster and he's
sitting and he's sitting

on top of the house.

and it has a slanted roof.

Now, when he lays an egg,
which side will it roll off?

It won't roll off at all.

'Cause roosters don't lay eggs.

[laughs] That's right!

[Peter] That's using logic.

-Mrs. Brady?
-Yup?

I found that magazine
with the recipes in it.

Oh, good,
we can get started

on our smorgasbord menu.

What smorgasbord menu?

For our party
on the tenth.

What happened
to our party on the third?

Oh! Didn't I tell you?

The Kaufmans and Burkes
couldn't make the third

so we switched it
to the tenth.

What about
all that Mexican food?

Oh, honey, well, see,

the Swansons and Allens
have guests that weekend,

and the Metzgers' uncle is
visiting them from Seattle,

so they have to bring
them along and that's

just too many people
for a sit-down dinner.

So, instead of
Mexican food on the third

-we're going to have
smorgasbord on the tenth.
-Right.

We not only change dates,
we change continents.

Oh, that's right,
today's the big day

of the TV test, isn't it?

I got it down cool.

Yeah, good luck.

Good luck, honey.

How about you, Cindy?

Are you ready for it?

Well, I'll just try
to do my best.

Well, honey, that's all
any of us can do.

-Bye-bye.
-Good-bye.

I don't understand,
why are we having a smorgasbord

when we've got 45 pounds
of Mexican food?

The party's on
the tenth, not the third.

I wonder if I'm invited.

Find anything interesting
for our smorgasbord, Alice?

Well, nothing
I can pronounce.

Here's one that sounds good
but it's complicated.

I don't know if
you can make it.

It's a recipe for
sma kottbullar.

If you can say it,
I can make it.

Oh, here's some more.

There's, uh...
rhabarb bragrot

persch torsk...

schlot steak

and that old standby,
frikadeller .

Such language--

I'm glad the children
aren't around.

I can't wait to see how
this dinner turns out.

I've got some more recipes
in that magazine in my room.

-I'll get it.
-Okay.

CINDY: Mom! Mom!

I won! I won!
I'm going to be on television!

Oh, sweetheart,
I'm so proud of you.

Me, too.

How'd Bobby do?

I didn't even wait
to find out.

I wanted to come home
and tell you about me!

Congratulations, honey.

Why don't you go
tell Alice the news.

She's in her room.

-Hi.
-Hi.

Hey.

Come here.

[Bobby sighs]

how'd you do on the test?

I got wiped out.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

It was a tough test.

Really tough, huh?

It was so tough,
lots of guys
didn't make it.

Let's face it, chum--

you didn't make it
because you didn't study.

Well, maybe
not too much.

Yeah. Maybe not at all.

[sighs] I guess.

Bobby?

You're going to be on
the TV show with me,
aren't you?

You mean you won?

Sure. Didn't you?

No.

It was a tough test.

Tough?

Mine was easy for me.

I guess I'm just
smarter than you are.

[Native-American drums play]

How.

Hi, Dad.

Hmm.

Well, I hear of tribe
named Blackfoot.

Never hear of tribe
named Sneakerfoot.

You did a nice job
on your teepee.

Yeah. Better job than
I did on that test.

Mm-hmm. Well, cheer up.

It's not the end
of the world.

I guess I was
a real dummy
for not studying.

Yeah. Well, if you
never make a mistake

you never learn
a lesson, huh?

I guess so.

Yeah. That's all water
under the bridge.

Okay, Chief?

How.

How.

Hey, Cindy, you want
to play in my teepee?

Don't be silly.

What's silly about it?

I might get dirty.

So what?

Television stars
don't play in teepees

and they don't get dirty.

Who's a television star?

I am, that's who.

Hi, Cindy.

You want
to lick the bowl?

No, thanks.
It's not ladylike.

Ladylike?

Yes. What are we
having for dinner?

Swiss steak
and spaghetti.

Not me.

Honey, those are two
of your favorites.

Not anymore they're not.

They're rich
and fattening.

Well, sure. All
that good stuff is.

Just fix me
a small salad, please.

Hey, wait a second.

Do you mind telling me
why the special diet?

A star can't go
on television

all fat and broken out.

-Hi.
-Hi.

Cindy's at it again.

GREG: She's been
in there for an hour.

"When you're
a TV star

your hair has
to be just right."

How many ways
can there be to fix hair?

She's tried everything
but an afro.

Well, if she keeps this up,
she won't have to worry

about her hair on TV.

She'll be bald.

[laughs]

I was wondering...

do you think I ought
to have my ears pierced?

Cindy, the last
thing you need

is two more holes
in your head.

Oh, no.

Cindy, not again.

I have to make sure

I wear just the right thing
on television, don't I?

But, Cindy
you've already tried

these dresses on
umpteen times.

So? I don't know
which goes best

with my hair
and my eyes.

Cindy, you're really getting
to be a drag.

You're acting as if
it was a beauty contest

instead
of a brain quiz.

Okay, then, just name me
one big television star

who isn't worried
about the way she looks.

Lassie.

Arf, arf.

Hurry.

-Oh...
-Oh, God.

Well...
six shopping carts full.

I think
that's a new record.

Yeah, but you've
got to admit

a smorgasbord is
a pretty good idea.

We have got enough food
to feed all our friends

their relatives,
their houseguests

plus any
last-minute drop-ins.

Even their drop-ins
can bring their drop-ins.

Looks like you've got plenty
of smorgas for the bord.

There's still
more smorgas in the car.

Hey, Alice, were there
any calls while we were out?

Just one.
The school called

to give you the date
of Cindy's television show.

-Oh, good.
-When is it?

I'll give you a hint.

We're going to be eating
this stuff a long, long time.

Alice...

you don't mean...?

I do mean.

-No, no, no, no.
-Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Naturally, the tenth--
the night of our party.

I'll get the rest of
the stuff out of the car.

You know...

I don't believe it.

First, we're going
to invite a couple
of friends over...

I'm going
to barbecue steaks.

Then we changed
to a Mexican dinner

so we can invite
more people.

So I cancel
the steaks.

I run all over town

in search
of authentic Mexican food.

But then we switch
to a smorgasbord

so we can have friends
and friends of friends

and uncles and relatives
and assorted drop-ins.

But now I have got
enough Mexican food

to feed every guitar player
in Guadalajara.

And I corner
the market on herring.

And now I find out

that we are having a party
for 26 people on the tenth

and the only people
who aren't going
to be here are us.

That was a wonderful
soliloquy, Hamlet.

Are you finished?

Yes.

Ah, maybe you
better go help Alice

get the rest of
the things out of the car.

[sighs]

Poor dear.

Mom, we're going to study
in the family room.

Oh? What's wrong
with your own room?

It's too full of Cindy,
the television star.

She has her clothes
scattered all over

and she never stops talking
about being on television.

Cindy...

How do you think
these look, Mom?

Terrible.

You are
much too young

to be wearing
Marcia's earrings.

I can see now why Marcia
and Jan are complaining.

They're just jealous.

They're not jealous and they're
not the only ones complaining.

If you mean Bobby,
he's just mad

because he was
too dumb to win.

Listen, sweetheart,
Bobby is not dumb.

If he didn't win
it's just because
he didn't study.

Well, that's dumb.

Besides, he's
a bad loser.

It seems to me
that you're a bad winner.

You know, you shouldn't
put down a loser, Cindy

because you might
be one yourself someday.

Just remember that.

Don't you want to come

and watch me
be on television?

Uh, no, thanks.

I've had you
and TV up to here.

Okay, then you're going
to miss all the excitement.

Oh. We'll try
to live through it.

I never thought my own sisters
would be so jealous.

She's got a size ten body
and a size 24 head.

I'm leaving
for the show now.

Hooray.

Would you boys
like to be the first

to get my autograph?

-Autograph?
-Uh, I'm afraid

that's just too big
an honor for us, Cindy.

Okay. You had your chance.

Cindy, will you
please come on?!

-It's time to leave!
-You folks all set to go?

Alice, will you try
to get the kids

to watch
Cindy on television?

-Cindy!
I'm coming. I'm coming.

Good luck, honey.

Do you think this dress
will look good on color TV?

Maybe I'd better wear
my blue one.

Uh, uh, Cindy.

Come on. Give
me that compact.

Let's go.

Good-bye, Alice.

Bye.

Now, don't forget, kids.

When this little
red light goes on,
we're on the air

and we'll be in
everybody's living room.

Now does everybody have
their thinking caps on?

[all] Yes, sir!

Good.

Take your places.

[TV clicks on]

I was just about
to call you kids.

Alice, we wouldn't miss
Cindy for anything.

That's what I call
real family spirit.

We want to see
Miss Smarty-Pants

fall right
on her big, fat head.

Yeah, we can't wait
to see her bomb.

Like I said,
real family spirit.

Hey, Bobby,
turn it up, will you?

The questions I'll be asking

are based
on your regular schoolwork.

So, when you know the answer.
Just raise your hand.

And remember, when that
little red light on that
camera goes on,

we're on the air.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to the
Question the Kids show.

I'm Monty Marshall,
your quizmaster.

And tonight,
it's Clinton Grammar School

versus Woodside.

And may the better team win.

Now, here's
your first question.

Listen carefully.

"Four score
and seven years ago"

is the beginning
of what speech?

Yes, Woodside?

Lincoln's
Gettysburg Address.

[Marshall]
That's right.

How is the word "swiftly" used
in the following sentence?

"The boy ran swiftly."

Clinton.

As an adverb.

[Monty] That's right.

Mike, what's
the matter with Cindy?

Just staring
at the camera

like she's got
televisionitis.

Spell the word "thoroughfare."

Woodside.

T-H-O-R-O-U-G-H-F-A-R-E.

[Monty] That's right.

What's wrong
with Cindy?

She's not even
raising her hand.

Talk about dumb.

She knows all
those answers by heart.

Then why doesn't
she answer them?

[Monty] Now, name
the last two states

that joined the union.

How come Cindy
just sits there?

She looks scared.

Come on, Cindy,
loosen up.

Woodside.

Alaska and Hawaii.

[Monty] Right!

Oh, she knew that.

Now, name the capital
of Louisiana.

Come on, Cindy.
I know you know this one.

Cindy,
raise your hand.

Cindy, you know it!

Baton Rouge.
Baton Rouge.

-Woodside.
-Baton Rouge.

- [Monty] That's correct!
-Cindy...

Now, how many pecks
are in a bushel?

-Clinton!
-Four.

[Monty] Right!

I don't want to see anybody.

They'll all make fun of me.

It's not going to get
any easier later.

Come on.

[all] Cindy!

-You looked terrific!
-Especially your hair.

The dress
was fantastic.

You were
the prettiest girl there.

Oh, yeah.
We all thought so.

I didn't answer
a single question.

I was a real dum-dum.

Cindy...
Cindy...

I was the dum-dum.

I didn't even
pass the test.

You studied,
and you got on TV.

Bobby, you're
a terrific brother.

Women!

One nice word,
and you get all wet.

-Aw!
-[laughter]

-Poor baby.
-Aw! Come on!

Well, honey, I finally
got it all worked out.

Yeah? What's that?

I've called the Swansons,
the Bernsteins, the Clarks

the Kaufmans, the Burkes,
the Metzgers and the Allens.

It took a lot
of juggling,

but they can all come
on the 24th.

-On the 24th, huh?
-Yup, that's when we're
having the party.

Great. I'll phone you.
Let me know if you're
having a good time.

What do you mean
you'll phone me?

'Cause that's the weekend

I'm going to be out of town
at the convention,

-remember?
-Catch me.