Original subtitles

♪ Here's the story Of a lovely lady ♪

♪ Who was bringing up Three very lovely girls ♪

♪ All of them had hair of gold Like their mother ♪

♪ The youngest one in curls ♪

♪ It's the story Of a man named Brady ♪

♪ Who was busy With three boys of his own ♪

♪ They were four men Living all together ♪

♪ Yet they were all alone ♪

♪ Till the one day When the lady met this fellow ♪

♪ And they knew that it was Much more than a hunch ♪

♪ That this group must Somehow form a family ♪

♪ That's the way we all became The Brady Bunch ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch The Brady Bunch ♪

♪ That's the way we became The Brady Bunch ♪

Uh-uh-uh, messing up the house today is a no-no.

-Surprise visitor coming. -Who?

Your mother's grandmother from Kentucky.

-Great-grandma Hutchins? -Oh, terrific.

Yeah, your mom and dad went to the airport to pick her up.

Oh, I can't wait! It's years since we've seen her.

Wait till you meet her. You'll love Great-grandma Hutchins.

I'm sure I will. She must be an old lady by now.

Old? Somehow I never think of her as old.

Me either... she's got so much go-go-go.

Well, if you haven't seen her for years,

don't be surprised if some of her go-go-go is gone-gone-gone.

[Grandma] What kind of a welcome is it?

Where's the brass band?

Great-grandma Hutchins!

-Oh, Grandma! -Oh, Grandma!

Oh, you precious kiddies just look beautiful.

And that's without my specs.

Oh, come on, Grandma, for gosh sakes,

don't spoil them.

Alice, I'd like you to meet

the pride of Owensboro, Kentucky

the one and only Connie Hutchins.

Put her there, Alice.

I'm delighted to meet you, Mrs. Hutchins. I've heard a lot about you.

Lies, all lies, unless, of course, it was something nice.

Grandma, wouldn't you like to freshen up a bit after your trip?

Well, that's mighty kind of you.

Well, I'm sorry we can't have dinner with you tonight, Grandma.

Oh, yes, we really are.

But like I said, you caught us by surprise

and we've had that dinner date with my boss for a week.

Now, don't you worry about that, honey.

It'll just give me more time

to get to know these precious children better.

[Alice] Here, kids, take your books.

I'll show Mrs. Hutchins where she's going to stay.

Boy, what a gal.

How come a woman like that never got married again?

Well, I guess, at her age

a good man is hard to find.

Listen, at any age

a good man is hard to find.

Yeah, don't I know it.

I'm going to tell Grandma on you.

-Did you hear that? -What?

About a good man.

I know a man that would make

a wonderful husband for Grandma

-and he's not hard to find. -Who?

-Dad's grandfather-- Great-grandpa Brady. -Right!

[doorbell rings]

That's Grandpa!

-I'm so excited! -I know!

Oh, he's going to love her!

-Hi, Grandpa! -Hi, Grandpa!

Good afternoon, my dear.

Oh, it's so good to see you.

Well, it's always a pleasure

to help out my great-granddaughters.

Oh, Grandpa, about that term paper...

Um, I found what I needed in my civics books

so I'm sorry I bothered you.

But we're glad you're here anyway

because there's a visitor we want you to meet.

-Oh? -Our great-grandmother from Kentucky.

She's really with it.

And far out.

With it? Far out?

Well, children nowadays seem to have trouble

expressing themselves with words from the English language.

Well, that's modern English, Grandpa.

Well, modern, perhaps... English, no.

Come on.

Hi, Judge Brady.

Good afternoon, Alice.

-How have you been? -Oh, splendid, thank you.

But as Pliny the Elder said to Seneca

when they met in the forum,

"Omne ignotum pro magnifico."

[laughs]

[laughs]

Oh, that Pliny really knew where his head was at.

Alice...

[Marcia] Come on, Grandpa.

[laughs]

[chuckling]

[whistle blows]

Foul! Charging.

I can't help it. They're taller than I am.

Well, sonny,

you have got to try to find a way

to outsmart them.

Now, I'm going to show you the way Jerry West does it.

-You just stand over there and watch, okay? -Okay.

You two boys try to guard me.

You boys ready?

Here I come.

Watch it. Back, back...

[Bobby] Get her, Grandma! You can make it!

Right behind you!

Go on, shoot! You can make it!

Go on!

Shoot!

[cheering]

That was great, Grandma!

Yep. Well, honey,

that's what you call a real fake-out.

You just got to... have the moves.

-Now, come on. You try it. -Okay.

[laughing]

[Grandma] Watch it...

That's your great-grandmother?

Yep, that's Great-grandma.

Hmm!

While you two get acquainted,

I'll make you some lemonade.

That's mighty kind of you, Alice. Thank you.

Thank you. That would be very pleasant indeed.

Well! You know, I've never met a real live judge before.

Well, I'm retired at present.

What happened? You get tired of sending them to the pokey?

[chuckling]

Madam, I'd like to think I dispensed justice fairly

in the 40 years I sat on the bench.

40 years on the bench? Whoo!

You must have picked up a seat full of splinters.

[laughs]

You know, there's something I've always wondered about judges.

What would that be?

Is it true that on hot days

judges don't wear any pants under their robes?

My good woman,

I certainly can't speak for all judges,

but I assure you, hot or cold,

I always wore my trousers.

Too bad.

Here's your lemonade.

-Thank you, kiddies. -You're welcome.

It looks like you two are really getting to know each other.

Well, these past few moments

have proved most illuminating.

-Right on. -Groovy.

-Uh... delightful. -Splendid.

That's better.

[all] Hi, Alice.

Hi, kids.

Uh, Alice...

how do you feel about helping two people fall in love?

[chuckles]

I'm all for it, especially if one of the two people

turns out to be me.

We're talking about Grandma and Grandpa.

Grandma and Grandpa?

Well, you see, right after Mom and Dad go out,

all us other kids will give excuses to leave, too.

So you can serve Grandma and Grandpa

a romantic candlelight dinner for two.

Oh, you little devils, you.

Okay, Alice?

-Okay. -Oh, thank you.

You get them to the launching pad

and I'll fuel them up for a blastoff.

-Great! -Thank you.

-Here you are. -Thank you.

Well, here's to today

and to auld lang syne,

here's to good health, yours and mine.

Up the flagpole.

[sniffing]

Something wrong with yours, Judge?

Eh? Oh, no.

I was merely enjoying the opalescent play of colors

and the tantalizing bouquet.

Well, while you're doing all that,

would you mind hitting me again?

Pardon?

Oh, yes, of course.

You just hold your glass, and I'll pour.

-There you go. -All the way, honey.

-Grandpa, Grandma. -Hi.

I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to skip dinner tonight.

Oh, that's too bad.

Got a heavy date. You know how it is.

We remember how it was. Don't we, Judge?

Good night.

Bobby and I have to go, too.

My friend Willy's got a sprained ankle

and he's racked up in bed.

Yeah, we're going over to cheer him up.

Well, that's very commendable.

You know, as Homer said,

"Friendship is proved by adversity."

Mm.

[light chuckle] Uh, yeah.

-That's right. -Bye.

Hey, Greg, wait up. You can drop us off.

Grandma, Grandpa, sorry we can't stay for dinner.

Our ballet teacher's having a recital. We said we'd come.

We promised!

Good-bye, children. Have fun.

Well, Judge, that leaves just you and me.

Here's to solitary confinement.

Pardon?

Come on, honey, where's your sense of humor?

-Hm. Heh. -Mm-mm.

Why is it people have to eat in the dark, I wonder?

Is, uh... is everything all right, folks?

Ooh, out of sight, Alice.

My compliments, Alice.

Thank you. Wait till you see the dessert.

There you are, sweetie.

[soft romantic music playing]

I wonder why we need that music.

Ooh, I like it-- turns me on.

Makes me feel like I want to dance. hoo-hoo!

Well, not me.

Oh, come on, Judgie--

I'll bet you used to fox a pretty mean trot in your day.

Come on. How about a little dance?

Good for your digestion.

Come on. Get up there.

-That's the way. Come on. -Madam...

don't you think this farce has gone far enough?

"Farce"?

Your entire transparent scheme--

the children conveniently disappearing,

a cozy dinner for two...

romantic music and candlelight...

You think I planned all this?

I think it's obvious.

But your romantic fantasies

are not about to come true.

[with French accent] Madame, monsieur--

the crepes suzettes, they are ready.

Romantic fantasies!

Who'd... who'd want an old goat like you?

Old goat?

Yes, old goat!

Madam...

may I remind you...

that you are no spring...

chicken yourself.

Excuse me.

-Oh, Judge! -And it's too late to apologize.

Apologize, my foot!

You forgot your hat!

Good evening.

Good-bye!

[Marcia] Hi, Alice.

-Good morning. -[Greg] Good morning.

Hey, where's Grandma?

About on her third lap, I'd guess.

-Third lap? -Around the block.

She came in, grabbed an orange, and jogged off

-sucking the orange. -[laughs] She really is something.

Alice, did she have a nice evening with Grandpa?

Well, I think there's a better word to describe it than nice.

-Wonderful? -No.

-Beautiful? -No.

-What? -Disaster-ful.

Oh, what happened?

Well, at dinner, one word led to another

and by the time they put all the words together

they weren't talking.

Oh, no.

What started it?

Well, I don't know how it started,

but I do know how it ended.

-[Marcia] How? -She called him an old goat.

And then he called her an old chicken,

and he split the barnyard.

We've got to do something.

We can't let them stay angry at each other.

I told you not to meddle.

[Marcia] Hi, Grandma.

[Greg] Morning.

Morning there.

Think fast, sonny.

Ooh, I'll tell you.

Nothing like a mile in the morning

to get that blood circulating.

I understand you had a little argument with Grandpa last night.

Marcia, I wouldn't speak to that man again

if he was the only one on Earth left

with the key to the wine cellar.

Grandma, I'm sure he didn't mean what he said.

I know what he meant.

For the first time, he was talking in English instead of Latin.

I'm sure it was just a misunderstanding.

Not on my part, honey.

Can you imagine him thinking I was trying to trap him? Ha!

I wouldn't take him on a silver platter

with an apple in his mouth.

Grandma...

Him calling me old?

Why, his wrinkles have got wrinkles,

and he's calling me old.

[laughs]

Oh, I'm getting so steamed up

I think I'm going to have to take another lap.

You're never going to get anywhere with Grandma.

Maybe I'll have a talk with Grandpa.

Why don't you just leave him alone?

Because, if I do they'll never get together and fall in love.

Love? Right now, you'd be smart

to settle for mutual indifference.

Grandpa, as a judge

you always have to be fair and reasonable, don't you?

I have always been fair and reasonable.

Then, last night

didn't you kind of convict Grandma Hutchins

on circumstantial evidence?

My dear, that opinion is open to question.

But Marcia and I are willing to swear

that Grandma had nothing to do

with arranging that dinner for two.

Well, Jan, if you say so, then I must accept that fact.

[chuckles] Well, then there's no reason

why you can't phone her and apologize.

Never.

Nomen est nomen.

-What does that mean? -A name is a name.

Old goat, indeed.

But that's just a figure of speech.

And smell.

Now, I know she sent you girls here to say all of this,

but you can tell her for me,

Res non est sub judicae octum est.

Case is thrown out of court.

We told you to butt out.

We were just trying to do something nice.

Marcia, if you ever want to do something nice for me,

give me a warning.

I want a chance to get out of town.

Boys are never any help.

Yeah. Bobby's not even here worrying.

He's out playing in the park with Grandpa.

Hey, wait a minute.

Bobby's out in the park playing with Grandpa.

That's what I just said.

Cindy, how would you like to go

to the park with Grandma?

Watch this perfect landing, Grandpa.

All right.

I love coming to the park.

Don't you, Grandma?

Oh, I sure do, honey.

I've loved coming to the park

ever since I was a little girl just your age...

which was only a few weeks ago.

Oh, I think you need a little more rudder there.

Yeah.

Come here, and let's take a look.

-Hey, look, there's Grandpa! -Oh!

Careful, sweetheart. I don't have my running shoes on.

Bobby, what a pleasant surprise.

What's your surprise? I always come here.

There's something on the other side

of the park you've got to see.

What is it?

It's a squirrel.

I've seen millions of squirrels.

This one's collecting nuts.

[Bobby] They all collect nuts.

We'll be right back.

You may sit down, madam.

It's all yours.

[Grandma chuckles]

[chuckling]

May one inquire as to what you find so amusing?

You've got that silly hat perched on your head

just like you did last night

when you marched out of that room

with smoke coming out of your ears.

I believe I left with my customary dignity.

Oh, by the way...

I believe I owe you an apology.

I... jumped to a conclusion last night

which I understand was not true.

Well, I guess I owe you an apology, too.

But when I get hot under the collar

my mouth just flies off in all directions.

Well, perhaps we were

both at fault.

Good day, Mrs. Hutchins.

Oh, what's your hurry, Judge?

Eh?

Well, why don't you just park it here on the bench

and give it another trial?

Well...

Come on.

Perhaps... just for a moment.

It's working.

Oh, by the way, Mrs. Hutchins...

Oh, make that Connie, will you, Hank?

-Hank? -Hank.

-Hank? -Mm-hmm.

[laughs]

[wheezes, coughs]

Nobody's called me "Hank"

since the first day I was admitted to the bar.

Well, maybe it's time they started.

Maybe you're right.

Oh, um, Mrs. Hutchins...

-Make it Connie, please, Hank. -Connie.

About that question you asked me yesterday.

Oh? What question was that?

That question about whether judges always wear

their trousers underneath their robes.

Confidentially, I once got up so late,

I had to wear my pajamas all day long.

[both laughing]

I'll bet you thought you were in night court.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Let me fix that.

Oh, that's... that's all right.

Thank you.

If you'd, um, still like to see

the sights of our fair city...

I'd be pleased to show you around.

That's mighty kind of you, Hank.

I would love to.

Oh, perhaps we could start

with a drive to the beach this afternoon

and then, this evening

there is a string ensemble playing Mozart.

A string...

Well, there is also a... What do you call it?

Um...

A groovy concert

at some establishment called "The Rock Bottom."

Well, that's more like it, Hank.

You're finally getting it all together.

[banging]

Mike, wake up.

What's the matter?

I heard a strange noise.

Oh, honey.

Why is it you always hear strange noises

in the middle of the night

instead of during broad daylight

when I'm awake?

[sighs] Well, maybe I imagined it.

[banging repeats]

I just imagined it, too.

I'll go take a look.

You're not going down there alone.

I'm going with you.

Listen, if you want to, you can go first.

[whispers] Come on.

Mike, I know I heard something.

I heard it, too. Why do you think I got up in the middle of the night?

Honey, Grandma is leaving.

Suppose she had another fight with Grandpa?

Gee, I don't know.

Going somewhere, Grandma?

Sorry, kiddies. Didn't mean to wake you up.

Is it because of the Judge?

-Yep. Sure is. -Something he said?

Yep. That's it, exactly.

What did he say?

He said, "Let's get hitched."

Married?

Yeah. We're eloping to Las Vegas.

And don't you try to stop us.

Stop you? We couldn't be happier.

But we'd love to give you a wedding with all the trimmings.

Can't you wait?

Oh, honey, we haven't got time.

At our age, every minute counts. Right, Hank?

But there is one thing you could do for us.

I'd prefer you kept this quiet.

I'd get a good deal of ribbing

from my chums at the chess club.

[laugh]

Our lips are sealed.

We won't say a word.

Neither will I.

[all] Neither will we.

Well, good-bye, kiddies.

Thanks for everything.

Come on, Hank.

Yes, my dear.

[theme music playing]

No. That's wrong. You use the associative property

instead of the commutative property.

Oh, sure.

Kids, kids, we got a postcard

from your great-grandma and grandpa.

Oh, wow, what does it say, Alice?

Let's see... "Hi, everybody, here we are in Las Vegas--

Mr. and Mrs. Hank Brady.

Had a problem with the justice of the peace

when he refused to marry us without consent of our parents."

Oh, wow, that must have been some wedding. Go on.

"At the wedding... at the wedding dinner

we had caviar and champagne.

That is, he had champagne.

The waiter refused to serve me without an ID card."

[all giggling]

"I have to say good-bye now

because Hank and I have a date to go waterskiing."

Waterskiing? I can't believe it.

Me either.

"Tell everybody they can believe it."

[laughs]

[theme music playing]