Original subtitles

♪ Here's the story of a lovely lady ♪

♪ Who was bringing up three very lovely girls ♪

♪ All of them had hair of gold, like their mother ♪

♪ The youngest one in curls ♪

♪ It's the story of a man named Brady ♪

♪ Who was busy with three boys of his own ♪

♪ They were four men living all together ♪

♪ Yet they were all alone ♪

♪ Till the one day when the lady met this fellow ♪

♪ And they knew that it was much more than a hunch ♪

♪ That this group must somehow form a family ♪

♪ That's the way we all became the Brady Bunch ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch, the Brady Bunch ♪

♪ That's the way we became the Brady Bunch. ♪

Hi, honey. I didn't hear you come in.

Well, I never disturb a genius at work.

So I guess I'm not bothering you, huh?

-Thank you. -[laughs]

Hey, how's the speech coming?

I didn't realize it was going to be this much research.

What's it going to be about?

The use of ancient architecture in modern buildings.

Ah, that ought to turn them on.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Yes, this is Mrs. Brady.

Oh, hello, Mr. Hillary.

My husband happens to be at home right now, as a matter of fact.

Yes, we can both come over.

Yes. Okay, Mr. Hillary.

Yes, we'll see you in a little while. Thank you.

Bye.

-[hangs up phone] -Bad news.

He didn't say-- but when the principal calls,

is it ever good news?

Salt, pepper, uh...

cookies.

Cookies! Ha-ha! Cookies.

Salt, pepper, cookies, cookies, cookies.

Alice, Mr. Brady and I have to go see the principal.

-And we won't be gone long. -Okay, Mr. Brady.

Principal?

-[door closes] -Which principal?!

Elementary school? Junior high? Senior high?

I wonder which kid has done what to who and where.

"'My Hero,' by Robert Brady.

My hero is a very famous man,

just like Robin Hood and the Three Musketeers.

He was a great American

and his name is...

Jesse James."

-Jesse James? -The outlaw?

It disturbs me

when impressionable children like Bobby

read books and see movies that glorify men like Jesse James,

turn them into folk heroes.

Jesse James was a cruel and vicious killer.

I'm really surprised at Bobby.

[Mr. Hillary] Well, don't be, Mrs. Brady.

Look what's happening today.

The press write stories about gangsters and skyjackers.

They make them seem very glamorous

in the eyes of the children.

Today's criminals will probably

be tomorrow's folk heroes.

Well, we'll certainly discuss this

with Bobby, Mr. Hillary.

Good. Oh, Bobby's teacher might never have brought

this composition to my attention

if it hadn't been for this.

[sighs]

He knows better than to bring a cap gun to school.

Well, at recess, he was playing Jesse James,

pretending to hold up the other kids.

Well, it wasn't the first time, so I thought

this was an area where the parents and the school

ought to get together.

We really appreciate it, Mr. Hillary.

[Mike] Well, we'll certainly have a talk with him.

Though I'm sure he doesn't intend

to make a profession out of being an outlaw.

One wrong move from anybody on this train,

and you get it!

[suspenseful music]

Please don't shoot me, Mr. James.

Just give me your money, lady.

There, that's all I have.

Thank you, ma'am.

Okay. Now...

Everybody stay in your seat till I jump off.

Whoa, easy boy.

Stay. Oh...

Hah!

You're supposed to be on the train!

No, I'm not. Now I'm the posse hunting you down.

You'll never get me.

Nobody gets Jesse James!

Hah!

Come on, boy!

[Bobby] Hah! Hah!

Jesse James, you're under arrest.

No way. You can't arrest me here.

Why not?

I just crossed the Rio Grande River.

This is Mexico.

Well, vamoose, you caballeros,

because all of Mexico's gonna get mopped up.

But I have to arrest him first.

Forget it, Deputy.

Even a U.S. Marshal can't arrest you

once you get into Mexico.

Is that true, Alice?

As el presidente of Mexico

I give you permission to take this hombre prisoner.

You can't. You have to have extradition papers.

[Mike] I've got some.

And I am extraditing you into my den right now.

Move it, Jesse.

What's the matter?

I got a C-plus.

That's not too bad.

Bob, it isn't the grade.

What we're interested in is

how you happened to write it.

I had to. It was an assignment.

Bobby, what we mean is,

why did you choose Jesse James for your hero?

Well... I guess 'cause he's famous.

Bobby, he was famous because he robbed and killed

a whole lot of innocent people.

Bobby, did you know that almost everything

Jesse James did was against the law?

My pal Jimmy wrote about Robin Hood.

Robin Hood was against the law.

Nobody got mad at Jimmy.

Aw, honey, we're not getting mad at you.

We're just interested in knowing

why you chose to write about Jesse James, that's all.

Listen, right now he may seem

like a... a very colorful Western character to you,

but in actual fact, he was just a criminal.

Now, that may be easier for you to understand

when you get a little older.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I'll probably just grow out of it.

Give that about five more minutes, Mrs. Brady.

Good, Alice. Girls, don't forget the salad forks.

-Okay, Mom. -We won't.

-Ladies? Can I have your attention for a minute? -Sure.

Well, I almost finished my speech for the convention.

-Great. -I--I wanted to kind of start out with a joke

'cause I wanted to do something to get their attention so

-Can I try it out on you? -Yes, we'd love to hear it.

Uh, so I come in and I say,

"Mr. Chairman,

ladies and gentlemen,

fellow architects,

honored guests.

Before I launch into my subject for this evening,

I would like to make a very important announcement

about our progress in city planning.

I hear we had just torn down a freeway

to make room for a slum." [laughs]

That's the joke!

[laughs]

Well, to architects, it might be funny.

Oh, sure, honey.

It's just that none of us are architects.

[Mike] And keep us ever mindful of Thy bountiful blessings.

Amen.

[all] Amen.

[cap pistol fires]

[Mike] Bobby.

I didn't mean to pull the trigger.

We have told you before,

no toys at the table, and especially cap guns.

I'm sorry, Dad.

I won't play with it again.

Yeah, well, just to make sure.

You and that dumb Jesse James.

What about Jesse James?

Bobby wrote an English composition about him.

He's his hero.

I had to write about a hero once.

Mine got an A.

Who'd you write it on?

Joan of Arc.

She saw visions, and she won battles.

And later she was made a saint.

She was a great woman.

That's okay for you.

You've got a lot better chance

of being a woman than I have.

Personally, I like George Washington.

Now, there's a hero.

Fat chance I got

of being Father of My Country.

Bobby, there are lots of great heroes

who are around right now.

Take Wilt Chamberlain, for instance.

Yeah, now, there's a great guy for you to follow.

Yeah, some chance I've got of being seven foot two.

And Black.

-[all laugh] -Bobby.

Just eat your pizza.

"Mr. Chairman, fellow architects, honored guests..."

Dad, Mom, could I ask a favor?

What?

Well, could I stay up

just a little bit after my bedtime tonight?

What for?

You see, there's this really neat movie

on television, and I've never seen it.

Is it okay?

What's the picture?

Well... it's called...

You see...

What's it called?

Jesse James on the Vengeance Trail.

Jesse James?!

Bobby, what have we been talking about?

We have had enough Jesse James around here,

and that's it.

But, Dad...

Bobby, you heard your father-- that's it.

Oh, okay.

Close the door.

Honey, Jesse James must've killed

45 people in that picture.

That was before the credits.

Imagine Bobby watching a picture like that.

Yeah, imagine.

Thanks for letting me watch the show.

This is one movie about Jesse James

we thought it'd be a good idea for you to see.

I think this is the scene where he robs the bank.

Yeah. He shoots all the customers in the back.

[horses neighing]

Wow! Jesse didn't even use a gun.

They skipped the whole incident.

They edited it out.

They skipped another scene where they killed everybody.

Mike, I forgot what happens here.

Well, I'm not sure I remember,

but I think this is where he shoots the prospector in the back,

then he rides off with the daughter as a... hostage.

Yeah.

Boy, isn't Jesse nice to give that girl a ride?

[sighs]

The network took out all the violence

just when we were trying to prove a point.

Jesse James will be even more of a hero to him now.

You know, maybe Bobby had the answer to this himself.

What do you mean?

Well, when he said he'd probably grow out of it.

Yeah, maybe you've got a point.

Let's just wait and see what happens.

Wow! Look at Jesse ride!

Carol?

Carol?

--Ca... oh. I'm right here, honey.

I'm sorry. Honey, look, it's my speech.

I put it right here last night. Now it's not here.

Well, don't get too upset. We'll find it. It's got to be here someplace.

I've been all over this house.

I'm around here for the second time.

Mom, Dad, I've come here

to discuss a very delicate matter.

What? My allowance-- you forgot.

-I did? -Yeah.

Listen, I will give you an extra dollar

if you find the speech I lost-- it's on paper just like this.

-Hey, great. -No, no, no, we'll look here.

-You go look around the house. -Yeah, go pass the word along

to the rest of the kids.

-Do I have to? -Yes!

Okay.

-What? -My allowance.

Thanks.

[sighs]

What are you doing?

Looking for something.

-Can I look, too? -Sure.

-Can I ask you something? -What?

What am I looking for?

Dad's speech. There's a reward out for whoever finds it.

-One dollar. -Wow.

All right. All you women to the rear of the bank.

-Bobby, would you leave us alone? -Just get lost.

Nobody tells Jesse James to get lost.

Well, we're telling you get lost!

All right.

I'll just rob me a different bank.

Dad could have stuck his speech in his pocket and forgot it.

For a dollar, it's worth a look.

-It's not in this one. -Not in that one, either.

Okay, stick 'em up, both of you.

Now that you've got the bank vault open, just empty it out.

Will you beat it?

You're talking to Jesse James, partner.

Knock it off.

Into the bank vault, both you varmints.

I got a better idea--

you get in the bank vault, Jesse.

No! No!

Greg, stop! Let me out!

Leave him in there for two hours.

Boys...

[Bobby] Let me out!

[Mike] Boys, what's going on?

The great Jesse James just got captured.

Okay, joke's over. Come on, split.

[Bobby] Let me out! Let me out!

Let me--

Now, I want this to stop.

Am I coming through loud and clear?

-But, Dad, they... -No buts!

No more Jesse James, Bob. Now, that's an order!

Yes, sir.

Mr. Chairman, fellow architects and Mike Brady.

-Yes? -It gives me great pleasure

to tell you that I found your speech.

Oh! Great, honey!

Where'd you find it?

It was in a very strange place.

-Where? -Your briefcase.

My brie...

I put it in my briefcase when I was doing research

at the library the other day.

Oh, how dumb.

Aw, sweetheart, you are a lifesaver.

Mmm.

Is that all I get?

What'd you expect?

A dollar.

I'd like to check these books in, please.

Certainly. I hope they were helpful.

-Yes, they were. -I finished my research. Good.

We're just delighted when our library can be useful.

Yeah. Uh, I was interested

in finding some books on Jesse James.

Jesse James?

Yes, but I didn't want novels.

I'd rather have factual accounts of his life.

Mm-hmm. As a matter of fact,

we have several good books on his life right over there.

Honey, can't we put the light out in the old bunkhouse?

The cattle drive starts early in the morning.

-Mm-hmm. -[sighs]

Honey, this cowhand needs a little shut-eye.

You know, this is a very interesting book.

It was written by a fellow

whose father was killed by Jesse James,

and it's got a whole bunch of eyewitness accounts

of the killings in here.

Hm, maybe Bobby ought to read it.

Yeah. I got a better idea.

On the flyleaf, in the biography of the author,

it says when this book was written, at any rate,

he lived in Sundale.

That's not far from here, is it?

Right.

[doorbell rings]

-Mr. Collins. -Yes, sir, that's me.

How do you do? I'm Mike Brady. Come in.

Thanks for coming.

Oh, I'm glad to know someone read my book.

I thought I was the only one who bought a copy.

No, it was a very interesting book.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.

I think you're gonna be

able to help us with our son Bob.

I've been thinking over what you told me on the phone.

I feel sure I can straighten out that boy of yours.

Good. Oh, honey, I'd like you to meet Mr. Collins.

-Mr. Collins, this is Mrs. Brady. Pleasure to meet you.

Aw, pleasure to meet you, Mr. Collins.

If you'll excuse me, I'll get Bob.

Please sit down.

Would you like some coffee?

Coffee, no.

I still like mine cooked over an open fire

and boiled till it's miserable.

Mr. Collins, this is our son Bob.

Bob, this is Mr. Collins.

-Hi. -Oh, hello, son.

I think you're gonna find this gentleman

very interesting.

Did you know his father actually knew Jesse James?

He did?

Wow, am I glad to meet you!

I hear Jesse's a hero of yours.

I wrote a whole composition about him for school.

I wrote a whole book about Jesse James--

only he wasn't a hero to me.

He wasn't?

Nope.

Jesse James killed my father.

He did?

Shot him in the back.

That's how he usually shot them.

Too cowardly to face them, I guess.

I can't believe that, Mr. Collins.

He's telling you the truth, Bobby.

Son, you know the legends; I know the facts.

Mr. Collins, why don't you tell Bob

about how it was with your father?

Well, I was just a little boy at the time.

My father was riding a train to California.

Jesse James held it up.

Did they have a shoot-out?

Well, it wasn't much of a shoot-out.

My father with his face to the wall,

his hands in the air and not wearing a gun.

Then why did Jesse James shoot him?

Because that's the kind of man Jesse James was--

a mean, dirty killer.

My mother used to cry about it in her sleep.

When I was old enough to understand,

I used to have nightmares about it myself--

awful nightmares-- about that train robbery.

[Collins] Because that's the kind of a man Jesse James was--

[echoing] A mean, dirty killer... a mean, dirty killer...

a mean, dirty killer.

[train whistle blowing]

-Isn't it great to be going to California? -Yeah!

I hear California's really beautiful.

It sounds wonderful.

Yeah, how long before we get there?

Oh, not long, son. With these new trains, it only takes

18 days to get to California.

And that's all the way from Arizona!

[train whistle blowing]

Hands up! Don't anybody move.

It's the world-famous Jesse James.

( screaming )

[Bobby] Jesse James!

I never thought I'd get to meet you!

I said hands up!

Now, everybody throw your purses and wallets in the aisle.

Be calm, everybody.

Do as he says, and nobody gets shot.

Aw, Dad, he wouldn't shoot anybody.

Jesse James is a real great guy.

He's my hero.

I even wrote a composition about you

and how you were such a great hero.

Sorry it only got a C-plus.

All right, now, everybody,

face the window-- your backs to me.

What do you want them to do that for, Jesse?

Why, so I can shoot 'em, of course.

[girls screaming]

But... but this is my family.

-That's my dad! Bang!

-No! You shot my dad! -Bang! Bang!

[screaming]

Stop! That's my family! You can't do that!

No, please, stop, Jesse!

Jesse, stop!

[Jesse laughs] Bang! Bang!

Jesse, no! Don't shoot! Please, stop!

Jesse, no, no!

Bobby? Bobby, what's the matter?

You must have been having a bad dream.

It was awful.

Tell us about it.

[sighs]

It was the worst dream in the whole world.

Well, I think I'm as ready

as I'll ever be with this speech.

[knocking at door]

[Mike] Come in.

I'm turning in my guns.

I don't ever want to see another gun again.

Good man. I'm glad to hear it.

You were right about Jesse James.

He was a real bad guy.

That talk with Mr. Collins really got through to you, huh?

Did it ever.

Well, you just have to be careful

who you pick for a hero, hmm?

Yeah.

Next time, whoever he is, he's gonna be a real good guy.

[chuckles]

Good luck on the speech, honey.

I just know it'll be a big hit.

Oh, I hope so. I just wish I had

a good joke to start it off with.

Hey, listen, I remember a joke that might fit.

-Honey, it's got to be about architects. Yeah, it is.

It's about this architect who designed a building

that had no doors in it at all.

No doors? How do you get in?

Well, you just keep running around it

and running around it until you're all in.

Get it?

Good-bye, honey.

Hey, wait a minute, you forgot to kiss me.

That's right.

-Bye, honey. -Good-bye.

Good luck.