Original subtitles

The Brady Bunch #067SS Closed captioned

♪ Here's the story ♪

♪ Of a lovely lady ♪

♪ Who was bringing up ♪

♪ Three very lovely girls ♪

♪ All of them had hair of gold ♪

♪ Like their mother ♪

♪ The youngest one in curls ♪

♪ It's the story of a man named Brady ♪

♪ Who was busy with three boys of his own ♪

♪ They were four men living all together ♪

♪ Yet they were all alone ♪

♪ Till the one day when the lady met this fellow ♪

♪ And they knew that it was much more than a hunch ♪

♪ That this group must somehow form a family ♪

♪ That's the way we all became the Brady Bunch ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch ♪

♪ That's the way we became the Brady Bunch. ♪

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

MARCIA: Mom, how come we suddenly decided

to clean all this old junk out of the attic?

Because we need room for all the new junk.

Listen, I think I've toted my last barge

and lifted my last bale.

Besides, I want to work on this

before the kids get at it.

I've heard that before.

( laughing )

What's so funny?

This old picture's so funny.

Look at it. Look.

That's a picture of my great-grandmother.

Is that supposed to be a bathing suit?

That is a turn- of-the-century full-length bikini.

As a matter of fact, my great-grandmother got arrested

for wearing one of those.

What for?

Indecent exposure.

Well, look, her knees are showing.

Oh, horrors, that naughty girl.

( laughter )

Hey, look at this one.

It's Jan!

Gee, I don't remember taking that.

Well, you didn't, honey.

That's a picture of my Aunt Jenny.

It was taken when she was just about your age.

My goodness, that must have been about 40 years ago.

The resemblance is remarkable, Mrs. Brady.

It really is, isn't it?

Looks just like Jan.

Exactly.

Gee, it's spooky.

Well, come on, everybody, up and at 'em.

There are a lot more goodies in the attic.

Come on.

I wonder what she looks like now.

Maybe that's what you're going to look like.

I think I'll send Aunt Jenny a picture of myself

and ask her to send me a picture of herself.

Good idea.

I'm going to write her right away.

I can hardly wait to see what she looks like.

Hi, Alice.

Hi, sweetie.

Is there any mail for me today?

Honey, you have been asking me that for ten days.

And, every day, I have told you the same thing: "no!"

Today I'm going to tell you "yes."

There is? On the counter.

Oh!

It's from her! It's from her!

It's from who? It's from who?

JAN: "Dear soul sister, thanks for your picture

"and I bet we're the first twins

"that were ever born 40 years apart.

"Like you wrote, it's real spooky.

"Enclosed is the latest photo of me.

"Hope that very soon we can exchange hugs

"instead of pictures.

Love, Jenny."

Oh, boy...

Oh, no...

Jan...

do you want to talk?

Come on.

That's what older sisters are for.

( sniffles )

This is Aunt Jenny now-- me 40 years from now.

What are you talking about?

Don't you understand?

If I look like this now,

I'll look like that then.

Who says so?

Heredity.

I read all about genes,

and I talked to Dad about it, too.

Jan, I think you're getting all upset about nothing.

Don't try to make me feel better

'cause it won't work.

Look... why worry about something now

that won't happen for 40 years?

I didn't think about it that way.

No sense in crying about it now.

I'll be happy while I still can.

And maybe, just maybe, I won't grow up

to look like her.

But I will!

I know I will!

( crying )

Missionary? Why?

Well, this certain woman

has nothing to look forward to in life,

and she wants to dedicate herself to good causes.

Or this woman could join the Peace Corps

or the Navy

or work for a photographer in a darkroom.

Now, that's out of left field--

work in a darkroom?

Sure. In a darkroom,

it doesn't matter what a girl looks like.

CAROL: Mike, I've got great news.

Yeah, me, too, sweetheart.

If I have fixed this gramophone properly,

you're about to hear Al Jolson sing again.

Ah, terrific.

Yeah. What's your news, honey?

Aunt Jenny's coming to visit us tomorrow.

Hey, great. I look forward to meeting her.

You have to pick her up at the airport?

No. She just says in her telegram

that she's arriving tomorrow.

( needle scratching )

( jaunty '20s music playing )

( music slows and stops )

Well, I thought

I had that turntable fixed.

JAN: Did you want me, Mom?

Oh, honey, I've got great news.

Aunt Jenny's coming to visit us tomorrow.

Aunt Jenny?

Yes. You're finally gonna get to see

your look-alike face-to-face.

Isn't that wonderful news?

What's so wonderful about it?

We may as well face it: there's no hope for me.

The picture proves it.

Now, Jan, maybe you don't think

Aunt Jenny's attractive,

but that's just your opinion.

Maybe it's just a bad picture.

That's what I'm going to look like.

Daddy told me himself all about heredity and genes.

Oh, that's what that was all about.

And you told me that when you're born,

the genes have already figured out what you're gonna look like

when you grow up.

Jan, what a person looks like

is influenced by a lot of things--

not just genes.

But can you give me a positive guarantee

that I won't end up looking like Aunt Jenny?

( siren winding down )

I think we're being raided.

Thanks for the escort, Sonny!

You know where to send my tickets

to the policemen's ball!

( motorcycle roars off )

Sam, check the carbons on the pistons.

You've got a bad knock there.

Oh, Aunt Jenny!

Carol, honey!

You haven't changed at all

from the pretty little girl I remember,

excepting you're prettier, and in more places.

Oh, Aunt Jenny!

Oh, it's so good to see you.

Well, Aunt Jenny, this is Alice.

Hello.

Hi, Alice.

And this is my husband, Mike.

How do you do, Aunt Jenny?

What kind of a how-do-you-do is that?

This is a how-do-you-do! Ha!

Oh, mercy.

Jan wrote me she has five brothers and sisters.

How long have you two been married, anyway?

Three years.

Three years.

Crazy, headstrong kids.

And, last but not least, Aunt Jenny,

this is Bobby.

Aw. How are you, darling?

Hi, Aunt Jenny.

My goodness, aren't you beautiful!

Well, that just leaves my look-alike.

Where's Jan?

Oh, well, she's probably up in her room.

I'll see if I can find her.

Okay.

Gather 'round, kids.

I've got some presents for you.

MARCIA: That wasn't necessary, Aunt Jenny.

BOBBY: But it's nice. I'm with you.

Don't look a gift Aunt in the mouth.

I'm going to be in Istanbul this Christmas,

so better early than never.

( laughing )

Now, let's see what I've got.

Wow!

It's autographed by Wilt Chamberlain.

Do you know him?

I've known him since he was no higher than that.

( laughter )

Now, let's see...

You dig magic, Peter?

Yeah, I love it.

Okay, come on.

Put these on me.

Okay. They belonged to Harry Houdini.

Really?

Harry and I played the same vaudeville circuit.

I did a tap dance and a snappy-patter routine.

Okay, okay.

Now concentrate.

Okay.

Hold my hands.

Now, one...

two...

Kalamazoo.

Wow!

How did you do that?

I'll tell you later.

Now let's see what we've got here.

( squealing )

This is for you, love.

What is it?

It's a shofar.

You only blow it on Rosh Hashanah.

( blowing flat note )

( kids exclaiming )

There you go.

What's written on it?

It's Hebrew.

That's L'Shanah Tovah, which means

"Happy New Year!"

Golda Meir gave it to me.

Well, here's your look-alike, Aunt Jenny.

( squeals )

Well, if that doesn't blow a person's mind.

Hello, soul sister.

Hello, Aunt Jenny.

Who says time marches on?

It just rolled back 40 years for me.

Oh, wait a minute. Wait.

I've got something for you.

Here you are.

A little something Pietro knocked out for me

while I was having lunch

at his pad on the Riviera one day.

Oh. Well, what's it supposed to be?

It's a portrait of me.

( laughs self-deprecatingly )

And I'm afraid it looks like me.

Well, that certainly is a valuable gift

for a young girl, Aunt Jenny.

Oh, darling, I've got dozens of these

cluttering up my walls at home.

( politely ): Oh, uh, thank you, Aunt Jenny.

You're welcome.

Aunt Jenny, we'd like to explain about Jan.

You see, well, she's a little shier than the rest of the kids.

Isn't she, Mike?

Oh, yeah, that's, that's all it is.

Balderdash!

I got some bad vibrations in there.

Now, that child doesn't dig me

and I'd like to know why.

Quit beating around the bush, 'cause I'm an old bushwhacker.

Okay, I guess we do owe you the truth.

Um...

Well, Aunt Jenny, it all started

when Jan received your photograph in the mail.

The groovy thing about a sari

is, you don't have to wear a girdle with it.

Indira Gandhi wears them all the time.

Now, this...

this is for outback country in Australia.

It's great for chasing kangaroos.

( giggling )

Hmm... um...

Jan, why don't we rap a little, hmm?

I didn't ask you up here just to be my lady-in-waiting.

I, uh... I wanted you to know

that I know what's bugging you.

Oh?

And I can't say that I blame you.

Did my parents say something to you?

Yes. Oh...

But I had to drag it out of them.

I'm so embarrassed, Aunt Jenny.

Don't be embarrassed, love.

I agree with you.

I'd rather look like Raquel Welch myself.

Of course, I could have been beautiful if I wanted to.

You could?

Oh, plastic surgery does wonders

with noses and chins.

They even can put in curves

where there's nothing but straight highway.

Why didn't you do it?

Oh, just never had the time.

Besides, there are lots of pretty faces around,

but how often do you see a puss like this?

Whoops.

Aunt Jenny, where does the word

"sukiyaki" come from?

Japanese farmers used to roast meat

over a fire at the end of a rake.

So yaki means "to roast," and suki is a rake.

Well, sukiyaki certainly looks better on a menu

than roasted rake.

Hey, how am I doing with these?

Thinner, thinner.

I want to be able to read a newspaper through it.

CAROL: Where'd you get this recipe?

From one of Emperor Hirohito's chefs.

I ran into him at the Ginza one afternoon.

I swapped him a recipe of Madame Khrushchev's for borscht.

( phone rings ) I'll get it.

Hello? Yes, she is.

Just a minute.

It's long distance for you, Aunt Jenny.

It's your secretary.

Oh, will you take a message, honey?

She's tied up right now. Can I take a message?

Oh?

Would you spell that, please?

Yeah, I certainly will. Bye.

Aunt Jenny, I hate to be the one to break the news,

but, uh, you now own a llama.

Oh, that's nice.

CAROL: A llama?!

Yeah, the Humane Society gave it to you in appreciation

for the help you gave in your fundraising drive.

Hey, the dessert looks groovy!

Now, Aunt Jenny, what are you going to do with a llama?

Oh, no problem.

It can graze in the backyard with the zebra.

( slurps loudly )

Now I shall pass the chanuya

or "honorable tea."

Everybody take a sip.

In Japan, a sip like that would be an insult to the host.

Let's hear it, honey.

( slurps loudly )

( all laughing )

JENNY: Ah... very good.

That the host will dig.

( clears throat )

( phone rings )

I'll get it.

( coughing )

Hello.

Uh... yes. Just a minute.

Aunt Jenny,

it's your secretary.

I can't be interrupted

in the middle of a tea ceremony.

Will you take the message, hon?

Um, uh... she would like me to take the message.

( slurps loudly )

( slurps loudly )

( slurps loudly )

Yes.

( slurps loudly )

Yeah, I've, I've got it.

I'll tell her.

( slurps loudly )

Well, Aunt Jenny, you've been invited

to a birthday party on Ari's yacht.

Is he kidding?

I'm not canceling my Peace Corps assignment in Bolivia

for any birthday party.

I'll cable Jackie, though.

She's a real trip.

BOBBY: Boy, I never ate with chopsticks.

CINDY: It's easy. Watch.

( Bobby grunting )

CINDY: Mmm...

CAROL: Pretty good.

MIKE: It's looking good.

CAROL: Oh, boy.

( others groaning and laughing )

This is the easiest way, kids.

Haven't dropped a grain of rice in... 20 years.

( all laugh )

You must travel around the world a lot, Aunt Jenny.

Ah, traveling is the spice of life.

( cackling )

I will never forget the time I was in Bangkok.

I went to this little nightclub

and who was playing the saxophone but the King himself.

Great jazz buff, the King.

Why, I was pretty good on the trumpet myself

before my lip went.

So I sat in on a jam session with him.

I had such a time.

Before I knew it,

we were back in the palace,

and I was teaching the King how to blow "Charge."

♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da! ♪

Charge!

( laughs )

( phone rings )

I'll get it.

Hello.

Oh, just a minute.

Aunt Jenny, guess who.

Shall I take a message?

Please, honey.

Okay.

Hello? Yes, I'll take a message.

Uh-huh... uh-huh!

CAROL: Oh, I certainly will tell her.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

Aunt Jenny, guess what.

A dozen long- stemmed roses

have just been delivered to your house,

along with a marriage proposal!

( Jenny laughing )

That's that goofy Lester again.

Who's Lester?

A United States senator.

A senator?

Are you going to marry him?

Nah. I get lots of proposals.

Well, why don't you accept one of them?

Oh, I guess I'm too young to settle down yet.

Say, isn't anybody gonna eat my bean curd cakes?

( phone rings )

I'm gonna stop this myself.

Hello.

Yes, it is.

Now, look, Hazel, why don't you knock it off?

Oh... I plumb forgot!

Yeah, yeah, don't worry.

Don't worry. I'll make it.

( snaps fingers )

Well, kids, I'm sorry to not eat and run.

I've got to catch the 11:00 plane for Paris.

Paris? What?

A dinner at the American Embassy for Georges... Pompidou.

It's a bore, but you know how sensitive those French are

if you turn them down.

Oh, do you have to go?

I'm afraid so, sweetie.

Well, I wish you could stay.

Now, that's nice to hear.

I've really got to go, but I'll be back.

Good.

I'll get your bags.

Yeah, let me help.

( kids chattering excitedly )

I think Aunt Jenny's

the most wonderful woman I ever met,

and I'm going to grow up to look just like her.

Honey, like I told you,

genes are funny things.

There's a good chance you might not.

But there's a good chance I might.

( chuckling )

It's from Aunt Jenny!

What do you think it is?

Well, if it's from Aunt Jenny,

it could be almost anything.

Whoo!

A plaster cast?

I'm surprised there isn't a leg in it.

Let's see what she says.

"Dear soul sister,

"I really goofed this time.

"After Paris, I tried to work off that fattening French gravy

"skiing in Switzerland.

"I just got the cast off.

"Had it autographed for you.

Regards to the gang. Love, Jenny."

My goodness, look at this.

Jean-Claude Killy? Ooh!

My gosh, Peggy Fleming!

( gasps ) Sir Edmund Hillary!

Paul Newman!

Look at this. ( phone rings )

He's a racing car driver.

Hello.

Yeah. Who's calling?

Just a minute.

Jan. Yeah?

Stevie for you.

Oh, thanks.

Hello, Stevie.

Saturday night?

Yeah. At whose house?

I guess that'll be okay.

Of course, you understand I'm not ready to settle down yet.

I won't be until I'm at least 60.

And, even then, I'm not sure.

But Saturday night's okay.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org