Original subtitles

♪ Here's the story ♪

♪ Of a lovely lady ♪

♪ Who was bringing up ♪

♪ Three very lovely girls ♪

♪ All of them had hair of gold ♪

♪ Like their mother ♪

♪ The youngest one in curls ♪

♪ It's the story of a man named Brady ♪

♪ Who was busy with three boys of his own ♪

♪ They were four men living all together ♪

♪ Yet they were all alone ♪

♪ Till the one day when the lady met this fellow ♪

♪ And they knew that it was much more than a hunch ♪

♪ That this group must somehow form a family ♪

♪ That's the way we all became the Brady Bunch ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch ♪

♪ That's the way we became the Brady Bunch. ♪

♪ ♪

CAROL: Bobby, come on!

♪ ♪

That guy's been following us

all over the market.

JAN: Why does he keep looking at us

through his hands?

Just ignore him, and let's get going.

Hi, there.

Oh, you are it, you are really it.

We are what?

Yeah, I've been looking for weeks, for months.

Oh, this is exactly right.

The whole ball of wax.

Uh, look, I'm a TV director.

Here, read this and then we'll rap.

"Skip Farnum Film Enterprises"?

Yeah, that's my company.

We make commercials.

Commercials?

FARNUM: Yeah, TV commercials.

For the big tube.

Well, look, we want you and your kids

and your husband all on TV

selling our groovy product "Safe"--

the greatest little laundry soap in the world.

Us, in a TV commercial?

Yeah.

Wow, that would be so much fun!

( kids talking excitedly )

MARCIA: Alice! Yeah?

I'll help in a minute.

I've just got to tell Jane the fantastic news!

Oh, no you don't! I got the phone first!

What fantastic news?

Alice, you won't believe it!

It's crazy! Wait till I tell Mike.

I'll believe it, I'll believe it, what?!

Alice, did you hear about it?

Yeah, I heard all about it except what it's all about.

We're going to be on television!

You're going to be on television?

Hey, you're going to be on television?

Yeah, we're gonna do a commercial

for a funny man who looks through his hands!

Looks through his hands?

And you're going to shoot the commercial

right here in our house, Mr. Farnum?

Yeah, I got to lay on a little realism--

you know, the natural look.

Read, enjoy-- I got to go scan the pad.

Wow, look at the size of that contract

for a one-minute commercial.

Yeah...

You'd think we were doing Gone with the Wind.

Oh! Groovy!

Whoa! Who are you pussyct?

Um, uh. Well. I'm Pussycat Alice.

Oh, that face! Like Frida. It's organic!

Oh, you're definitely in the commercial pussycat.

Oh! That's who you are, Mr. Farnum.

Uh, did Mr. Farnum go?

Um, no, he's around here somewhere,

um, scanning the pad.

Dad, I hate to be crass about a thing like this,

but does that contract mention anything about loot?

We get paid, yes.

Out of sight.

Is it a lot?

Well, uh, considering the amount of work we do,

um, yeah, it's out of sight.

Wow!

Wait a minute, mister.

The money we make

is going into all our savings accounts.

Maybe we could just have some of it now,

for something a little special?

Maybe just a little, Mike?

Well, maybe a little.

Thanks, Dad.

Look at that amplifier!

That must cost a bundle

Ah, maybe a couple hundered dollars.

You're dreaming.

Nope, I am BUYING!

With what!? Your own money?

The money we make from doing that TV commercial. Dad says we can have a little of it now.

You call a couple hundered dollars a "little?"

A drop in the bucket! You make a fortune on a TV commercial!

Ah! I can buy that neat electric train I want.

I bet I could have a mini-bike.

After this commercial, we do another one! We'll make thousands.

Millions!

Maybe more.

I'm so excited about being in a commercial.

Me too.

Whats the matter with me!? I don't have dates anymore. Could it be my - breath?

I used to have the same trouble. Now I use "Dazzle"

It kills everything in your mouth, including your gums!

My trouble is, my curls just wont stand up in the rain.

they get all frizzled.

Next time, try "Spring". It winds your curls up s tight it lifts you right off the ground! Like that!

Next time, try "Spring". It winds your curls up s tight it lifts you right off the ground! Like that!

Oh honey, aren't you finished yet?

( exasperated sigh )

I tell ya, I cannot make head nor tails

out of this show business legal double talk.

I think I better have our attorney check it.

All of that just to sell a little soap?

Oh, yeah, but not just soap, honey-- Safe.

Oh, a thousand pardons, sir.

The next time I mention another brand,

I'll wash my mouth out with Safe.

Well, to tell you the truth,

I don't know how you tell

all those brands apart, you women.

Well, it isn't easy.

You know, we used to use Clear and Bright

until we found out

it turned our water dim and dark.

And that's when we switched.

To what? Help!

Except we found out

that Help didn't help.

And so that's when we turned to Champ, the Dirt Fighter.

Oh, not Champ, the Dirt Fighter.

( grunting )

Yes, but we found out that Champ couldn't take the Brady dirt

and lost the title.

And-- don't keep me in suspense.

Well, then that's when we switched to Best.

When did you start using Safe?

Oh, I forgot, uh...

right between Champ and Best.

Hold it, honey,

you mean, we switched from Safe to Best?

Right, because Best

is best.

Well, yeah, but how are we going to get up

in front of millions of people and lie?

What do you mean?

Well, look, we can't do a commercial about Safe

if you're still using Best.

What, do you mean to say

that all those people that do commercials

really use the products?

Well, I don't know, but I think they should.

At least I think we should, because otherwise it's a fraud.

Gee, I never really thought of it like that.

You know what? What?

I think I had better call up Mr. Farnum

and tell him it's off.

Oh, Mike.

Oh, the kids are going to be so disappointed.

It's a bummer.

Yeah, we practically had

all that money right in our hands.

Why would I be a fraud?

I don't even use any kind of laundry soap.

That's not the point.

If we're all in the commercial,

it's like we're all saying something that's not true.

Get it?

Gee, one minute we're millionaires,

the next minute we're broke again.

You know, Alice,

I think we set a record

for the shortest career in show business.

Yeah.

For one, brief, shining moment there

I was Pussycat Alice.

( phone rings )

Brady residence.

Hi, Mr. Brady.

Yeah, she's right here.

Hi, honey.

Carol, I just called Farnum

to tell him the commercial was off.

I hope he wasn't angry with us.

No, no, no, not at all.

Uh, but he did tell me something important.

What?

We've never used Safe.

Honey, we went through all that last night.

I told you I did...

No, not this Safe.

You used the old one.

This is the new and improved Safe.

Just came on the market last week.

New and improved?

Right, and if we've never used it,

maybe it is better than Best.

Then we just test them both and find out.

That's exactly what I was thinking.

Then it would be perfectly fair and honest, right?

Right, and if Safe washes cleaner than Best,

we do the commercial, right?

Yeah, right.

Oh, that's great, honey.

Bye.

Alice, round up the kids.

We've got a Brady wash-a-thon coming up.

A wash-a-who?

Yeah, there's going to be a showdown

at the old washing machine.

Safe against Best.

And may the better soap win.

Okay, now, you all know what you're supposed to do, right?

KIDS: Right.

Well, kids, I never thought I'd be saying this,

but I want you to go outside and get dirty.

Okay!

All right!

GREG: You asked for it.

Now, Alice, you're the only one who will know

which clothes you washed with which soap.

And your lips are sealed, okay?

Oh, sealed... ( mumbling )

Okay, Pete, let me have it.

My pleasure, sir.

( laughing )

Okay, that ought to be enough.

Pete, that's enough.

Make it real mushy.

I will.

Okay, that looks good.

Okay, remember, smush it all over each other.

Okay, ready?

Ready. Ready.

Get your hands in there.

One, two, three... smush!

( laughing and squealing )

Are you ready?

Ready.

On your mark...

Get set...

Go!

( screaming happily )

( laughing and squealing )

Oh, hi, honey.

You're just in time for the judging. Mm.

On the left is pile "A,"

and on the right is pile "B."

Which one do you think is the cleanest?

Well...

( chuckles )

Well, uh...

Well?

I'd say pile "A."

Well, then, that makes it unanimous.

I vote for pile "A."

Well, Alice, which soap is Safe--

"A" or "B"?

The winner is...

the envelope, please.

The winner is...

Well, it says pile "A,"

but I can't remember whether pile "A"

is Best or Safe.

Oh, no.

What are we gonna do about it?

Oh, no problem, Mr. Brady.

Kids, put your old clothes back on and dirty up again.

MIKE: Well, this time I say pile "B."

Pile "B."

Unanimous again.

Okay, the winner is...

pile "B" is Safe.

Then we do the commercial.

TV, here we come!

Well, there you are, Mr. Farnum.

We're all signed, sealed and delivered.

Out of sight.

Everything checks out, Skip.

No problems, easy to light.

Crazy.

Okay, you folks study your script.

We're gonna be here Saturday morning bright and early

to grind the cameras.

Come on, man, let's split.

Hey, now, listen, are you sure...? Uh...

Mr. Farnum, excuse me.

Uh, do you think we might get a chance

to rehearse the script?

Yeah, 'cause, you know,

we've never done this before.

Hey, come on, cool it, man.

Listen, don't worry about a thing.

You just learn those lines

and leave the rehearsing to me.

Ciao.

Right this way, Skip.

Yeah, cool.

Hey, that "no rehearsal" bit is just great.

You really got it up here, Skip.

Man, I got it everywhere.

And it's a real natural family, too.

Cool. And that's the way

they're going to stay, dig?

I'm getting cold feet.

Cold feet?

Yeah, have you read this thing? That's not going to be easy, doing all this.... what we're supposed to be doing.

You mean holding up a box of Soap?

NO, I mean holding it up and not looking like we're.... stupid.

What?

You know Laura's cousin is actress. Mirna Carter.

Oh, yes. Fair enough.

No, she calls herself Mirna... well, she's not important or anything like that.

but why can't we call her and ask for a few tips?

Great! Come on, call her.

Hi Honey!

Heres that box of Safe you wanted from the market.

Thanks, Dear. Just in time.

I was down to my last cup of Safe.

So was the market.

Safe really outsells all other brands.

That's because Safe cleans all things better all ways.

I just couldn't do without Safe.

It's the only brand I feel safe with.

( chuckles nervously )

No, no...

Kids, I'm sorry, but it's all wrong.

Oh, Mierna, I'm so glad we called you.

Would you please tell us what to do?

Yeah, what's wrong?

Well, you know, you're just reading it.

No one's going to believe it, you know what I mean?

Um, you're not motivated.

motivated?

how do you mean?

Oh, well - uh, I mean like - your attitude when you say your lines.

What are you thinking, how do you feel?

I never thought of all that.

I didn't, either.

That's important?

Important?

Oh, wow, like... like, motivation is everything.

I mean, it's what gives

the meaning and the emotion to acting, you know?

Could we try it again?

Oh, sure, sure, sure, sure.

What you're saying...

Michael, Michael, um...

Michael, you think about it this way:

You think about all the guys at your office

and how they've been telling you

how great your shirts look.

Mike, how clean.

And that makes you proud, Mike, proud,

because you know it's because of Safe.

You see, Mike?

That's the motivation, like, the attitude, right?

Yeah, right, yeah.

Okay, okay, so you think about being at the office.

Yeah, yeah.

And, Carol, Carol, you're thinking...

you're thinking, "Wow,

he brought me a box of that stuff."

and that makes you happy.

because your husband is proud of the way you wash his shirts.

Haha - ok. I'll try.

Good Good! And remember. Lots of energy! Keep it up there, acting is bigger than life!

Listen, Myrna...

Mierna. Mierna.

Uh, Mierna,

I don't think I can do this.

Oh, no, no, no.

You're doing fine.

You're getting it. Really, you are.

Hey, Mike... Mike, the seed is there.

All you have to do is let it grow, you know?

Let it grow, right?

Okay, now let's try it again.

And remember,

up there, energy.

Hi, honey.

Here's that box of Safe you wanted

from the office.

Uh, the market.

CAROL ( loudly ): Thanks, dear and just in time!

I was down to my last cupful of Safe.

So was the market.

Boy, it really outsells all other brands.

Good, good, good,

good, that's really good.

Only, a little bit bigger, though.

Because you gotta... you gotta grab that audience,

you know what I mean? Bigger?

Yes. One more time now.

Come on.

Okay.

Give me my Safe.

MIKE: Hi, honey.

Here's the box of Safe

that you wanted from the market.

Hmm, motivation, huh?

Bigger than life, hmm?

I think I'm going to try some of that myself.

Parents, kids...

Housekeeper. Housekeeper, yeah.

In that order: parents, kids, housekeeper.

Groovy. Okay, good.

Okay, go now team,

I want you to listen to what I'm laying down.

Now, love, you're over there at the counter,

see, you're making with the greenery.

Then, pops, you come flipping in,

and you lay this box of flakes on the little lady,

then you have a little rap session,

and then we cut, dig?

I think so. Groovy.

Excuse me, Mr. Farnum,

but when do we get to rehearse?

Oh, we're not going to rehearse.

Oh, don't worry.

Now trust me, pussycat, it's just going to be great.

Just going to be great.

Here, you stand over here.

Now just trust me.

Groovy, groovy.

Oh... my rock.

Come on, let's make film.

Let me check the shot.

Yeah, groovy.

Okay, let's crank one up.

Okay, kids, right in there.

Rolling.

Speed.

Action.

( stiffly ): Hi, honey.

Here's that box of Safe

that you wanted from the market.

Wow...

And just in time.

I was down to my last cupful of Safe!

Cut!

Stop.

Stop, stop.

What was that?

I mean, where's that Mrs. America

that I dug in the parking lot?

And you, pops, my rock.

Man, you look like you flew in from a feather factory.

I was motivating.

I was thinking of the boys in the office.

What boys in the office?

The ones who keep telling me

how clean my shirts are.

Yeah, and I was thinking,

"Wow, he brought me a box of that stuff."

Oh, you're putting me on, right?

Well, I was working on an attitude.

Me, too.

Attitude?

Well, I'll give you an attitude: relax.

Look, come in here for one minute, will you?

Just go in there and cool it, all right?

Now just unwind, just sit down and unwind,

and I'll get back to you in a minute.

Hey, man, are the kids ready?

The kids are ready, Skip. Groovy.

All right, let's move it, now, in a hurry.

Are the kids ready?

KIDS: Ready! All right, let's move it.

I don't know what happens when you put a camera

on a bunch of squares-- they just flip out.

Baby, baby, just cool it.

It's going to be fine. Yeah, okay, okay.

Okay, great, great.

Okay, kids, be ready now.

All right.

Rolling.

Speed.

Action.

Cut, cut, cut!

Kids, what's with all this dirt?

We were supposed to be out playing, Mr. Farnum.

In a swamp?

Well, we made ourselves extra dirty on purpose.

We were motivated.

Motiv... oh, man.

Nobody up there digs me.

Come on, out, out.

Get out now, now.

Get yourself cleaned up.

Now, dirty okay, but blech, no.

Out, come on, come on.

Let's go, let's go, out.

Hey, man, the housekeeper.

Is the housekeeper ready?

Housekeeper's ready, Skip.

All right, let's move it back. Come on, move it.

Is the housekeeper ready?

Come on, let's go, let's go.

It's costing bread, don't you understand?

Take it easy, Skip. Okay, all right,

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

All right, housekeeper, be ready now. Be ready.

ALICE: Ready. Rolling.

Speed.

Action.

Oh, no, no, stop, stop, cut!

Did I do something wrong?

What was that, the dance of the good fairy?

And what's with that spaghetti?

Look, I was motivating.

Motivating!

Well, I figured that Safe washed clothes so fast

I had time to go to the beauty parlor.

Okay... now I'm motivating.

Everybody, everybody come in here, please.

Everybody in here.

Now, look, I want you to know that this whole gig is off.

Kaput! I mean, the whole thing is a washout.

My nice, natural family is just a bunch of ding-a-lings.

We were only trying to be helpful, Mr. Farnum.

We took some acting lessons.

We just wanted to be bigger than life.

Well, you'll be bigger, but not in my life.

Now come on, get out.

Out. Out of my house. All of you.

This is my house.

Hmm? Oh.

Come on, man, let's split.

Wrap it up.

Hey, wait a minute.

You know, this whole scene reminds me

of that horrible actress we worked with?

What was...? Mierna Carter.

That's the nut-- Myrna Carter!

No, Mierna.

FARNUM: Mierna, Myrna, I don't care!

She blew my mind back there...!

Alice, would you come here a minute, please?

I still don't understand

this special delivery letter I got.

It must be quite a letter.

I think you've read it

at least six times since this morning.

Well, would you sit down and listen to this?

"In compliance with our contractual agreement,

"Skip Farnum Film Enterprises

"will meet its obligation of payment.

"As to manner of payment,

we refer you to Section 12, Article C,

Paragraph 42 of contract."

Now what do you suppose they mean

by "manner of payment"?

Sorry, Hungarian goulash I understand.

Legal goulash I don't.

Well, I guess we'll just have to wait

for Mr. Brady to get home.

Maybe he'll know.

( engine rumbling )

What in the world...?

One of you Mrs. Brady?

I'm Mrs. Brady.

Got a delivery for you.

I don't remember ordering anything.

Maybe Mr. Brady did.

Excuse me...

( sighs )

Sign here.

What am I signing for?

It's from Farnum Film Enterprises.

Safe laundry soap.

( laughs )

Guess what they meant by "manner of payment"?

48 boxes of soap?

Down, Harry.

48 boxes?

Lady, you got 2,000 boxes coming.

Where do you want them?

Where do you want them, lady?

Oh, Alice.

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org