Original subtitles

♪ Here's the story ♪

♪ Of a lovely lady ♪

♪ Who was bringing up ♪

♪ Three very lovely girls ♪

♪ All of them had hair of gold ♪

♪ Like their mother ♪

♪ The youngest one in curls ♪

♪ It's the story of a man named Brady ♪

♪ Who was busy with three boys of his own ♪

♪ They were four men living all together ♪

♪ Yet they were all alone ♪

♪ Till the one day when the lady met this fellow ♪

♪ And they knew that it was much more than a hunch ♪

♪ That this group must somehow form a family ♪

♪ That's the way we all became the Brady Bunch ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch ♪

♪ That's the way we became the Brady Bunch. ♪

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

See, it's one of these.

Boy, it sure is.

It's called an octopus.

See why?

Yeah.

CAROL: Yeah, it certainly looks like an octopus.

It's very dangerous.

The teacher talked about it in class.

It tells all about it in the home safety drive stuff.

"Any wall receptacle with more than two appliances being used

at one time is an overload, and it can overheat."

Miss Barnaby says that's why

we're having this home safety drive.

Let's go look upstairs.

Ah, listen, those sockets are full of electric current.

So be careful.

This home inspection thing's a good idea.

Yeah, I think so.

Inspection completed.

You can tell the kids my room is 100% safe.

Yep, so is the kitchen.

Now that we've gotten rid of the octopus.

Oh, good.

Octopus?

Peter, what are you doing home so early?

Why did you leave Jane's party?

Well, something happened.

Pete, what happened?

I don't want to talk about it.

Well, something happened at that party.

Hey, what happened at the party?

If you really want to know... nothing.

Nothing?

Nothing. Nobody talked to me all night.

Aw, go on, you're exaggerating.

Well, one guy did.

He said...

What did he say?

He said I have no personality.

No personality?

See? Nothing, zero.

Let's face it, I'm dull.

That's ridiculous.

Sure it is. Listen, you have a good personality.

Parents have to say junk like that.

Now, Peter, you know that isn't so.

Turn around, look in there and tell me what you see.

Same as before:

Dull me.

You know what I see?

I see a fella who had a crummy time

at a party, that's all,

just like his pop used to have

when he was his age, hmm?

And like your mother still has

at certain luncheons.

You'll feel much better after you have

a good night's sleep.

Mmm. Your mom's right.

This won't seem like such a big thing in the morning.

Good night, and don't forget

to hang that up, okay?

Boy, are you dull.

Well now, I hope these are the riight plugs.

Just the kind the teacher said to get.

Instead of that old octopus one.

Did you know that all last night I dreamed about octopuses?

Octopussies? Octopi?

Oops.

Good-bye, my darling.

Oh, good-bye, honey. Have a nice day.

Yeah. Good luck.

Wait a minute, Dad.

Fore, fore, fore!

We still have a lot more to do on our safety campaign.

CINDY: Here's a whistle.

What am I supposed to do with this?

You blow it.

I know you blow it.

For what reason?

A fire drill!

We have to have a fire drill.

Our teacher says we have to practice

getting out of the house real fast.

Yeah, that's what I'm trying to do right now.

Look, we'll have one when I get back.

I promise, good-bye.

I don't wana talk about it.

Pete, well Pete, if you can't tell me, what are brother for?

Now come on, what's bugging you?

Well, last night I found out that I haven't got something everybody else has.

What?

Something important.

What?

Something real important.

Tell me, will ya?

A personality. I don't have a personality.

You don't have a what?

I'm dull. (Spelling) D-U-L-L

Oh, for crying out loud. That's stupid.

(Spelling) S-T-U-P-I-D

No it's not. I'm so dull, I'm almost invisible.

Come on Pete. You're not dull.

There's lots of guys duller than you.

Who?

Uh, there's..... I'll think of somebody.

( whistling )

Ho-ho.

Just blow right in here.

Okay, okay, we'll have a fire drill.

( cheering )

( whistling a tune )

( blows whistle )

(Yelling) Okay, everybody ready?

(From the bedrooms, everybody) Yea!

Alright, now remember, I'm going to time us.

Oh, try to act like you don't know it's coming, see.

Go about your everyday business. Do what your doing.

Cuz it's got to be natural.

(From the bedroom, Carol yells) Mike, would you blow the whistle?

Okay.

(Blows whistle)

KIDS: Fire drill, fire drill!

( all yelling )

GREG: Come on, everybody.

( kids yelling )

Alice, what are you doing out here with that chicken?

Oh... Well, Mr. Brady said to go ahead

and do whatever you were doing.

Oh, Alice.

Besides, if there'd been a real fire,

it would've gotten too well done in there.

Listen, considering this was our first fire drill,

we didn't do too badly: 21 seconds.

Hey, good, huh?

The next time the fire drill

has to be a surprise, right, Dad?

That's what I was trying to tell you at the bottom of the...

Right, Mike, next time we're not gonna get any warning.

Hear that kid? Next time, you're on your own.

Why didn't Peter come down?

That's against the rules.

Mom said he didn't have to.

Pete's down in the dumps about something.

What?

Well, the other night at the party,

some guy told him he was dull,

that he didn't have any personality.

And Pete believed him?

That's silly.

Well, that just goes to show you,

if you aren't too careful of what you say,

you can sure hurt somebody's feelings.

Maybe there's a way we can help Peter.

Yeah, but how?

Yeah, how?

Well, if one person can say something

to make someone feel bad, then maybe another person

can say something to make him feel good.

Here he comes.

Just don't be too obvious, Kathy.

Peter's pretty sharp.

MARCIA: Hi.

KATHY: Hello, Peter.

Hi.

Pete, what's the name of that science fiction movie

you were talking about-- the one that's on TV this week?

The Invasion of the Potato People.

That's it.

What's it about?

Oh, just a dumb old science fiction movie.

Thank you, Peter,

that was very considerate.

What was? I didn't do anything.

You took the trouble to help us.

Attractive boys aren't usually so nice.

You're right. What's the movie about, Pete?

Oh, just a drippy old scientist.

That sounds so exciting!

Exciting?

It's the way you say it, I guess.

You know, he has such a way with words.

I do?

Tell us more.

Well, this scientist is trying to protect the earth

from these terrible potato people.

Oh, you make it sound so scary.

Do the potato people look like potatoes?

Yeah. They've got eyes all over them.

They're trying to plant themselves in the earth

and take it over.

I could die!

He's too much.

It's kind of an icky dirt color with sprouts sticking out of the potato heads.

I get goosebumps the way you tell it.

He's so forceful.

What a memory.

The best part is when the scientist hides behind a rock

like this.

He's trying to wipe out the potato people.

He injects the ground with a secret chemical...

Is Peter home from school yet?

Cindy!

Did Kathy trick him yet?

Did it make him feel better?

What do you mean, trick me?

Sorry, Marcia.

We were only trying to help, Pete.

You really did make the story sound exciting.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the dullest one of all?

( phone rings )

Hello.

Yes, he is.

Well, may I tell Peter who's calling?

Oh. Sure, Peggy, hold on a minute.

Peter.

( louder ): Peter!

Telephone for you.

Who is it?

It's Peggy.

Hi, Peggy.

When's the party?

Wait a minute, let me check.

Sorry, I'm doing something that night.

Thanks anyway. Bye.

Peter, why'd you do that?

Well, how would you like to be the fourth guy asked to a party?

What difference does it make--

first, fourth, or whatever?

Well, anyway, I don't care if I go or not.

I'm just plain dull at parties.

Peter, if you were as dull as you think you are,

would anybody invite you to a party?

I'm don't think I'm dull.

I know I'm dull.

Well, I think you've just decided

to feel sorry for yourself and enjoy it.

You know, I'm disappointed in you.

You're quitting.

That's not how you cope with problems.

Stop moping around.

If you don't like your personality, improve it.

Change it.

If you don't like your personality, improve it.

Change it.

Dad's right.

But change it to what?

MAN ( with English accent ): Ah, do you really think so, Clarette?

WOMAN ( with English accent ): Now, Donald, don't be modest.

You're so fascinating

it's impossible to resist you.

Ah, but I am what you compel me to be, my darling.

( chuckles )

You do love to toy with people, don't you?

Oh, kiss me, you suave, hypnotic charmer.

You suave, hypnotic charmer.

Bobby, go on upstairs. You're not suppose to know.

It's a surprise fire drill right?

Yes, it is a surprise fire drill. Go on upstairs.

And pretend you don't know.

I love surprises.

( blows whistle )

( all shouting )

( all shouting )

Well, I don't know.

Peter's not here yet.

Oh, now, where is he?

Top of the day, old chaps.

What's the umbrella for?

There isn't even any clouds.

Peter, what's the joke?

Joke? It's my new personality.

Don't you like it?

( stifling snickers )

Well, Peter, it...

You don't like it.

WOMAN ( on TV ): I shouldn't be here with you,

yet here I am.

Say something, Joe.

MAN ( imitating Bogart ): Look, sweetheart,

don't tell me when to say something.

Joe, I didn't mean...

It's all right, sweetheart.

Just shut up and kiss me.

If you want me, sweetheart,

just whistle.

( imitating Bogart ): If you want me, sweetheart,

just whistle.

( imitating Bogart ): Hey, Mom.

Hi, Alice.

What's for dinner?

Pork chops.

Pork chops, huh?

What else?

Applesauce.

Pork chops

and applesauce.

Ain't that swell.

Have you got something stuck in your teeth?

Why do you say that?

MIKE: Hi, honey.

I'm home.

You say we're having pork chops

and applesauce for dinner?

Yeah.

That's swell.

Hi, honey.

Hi, sweetheart.

What's for dinner?

( imitating Bogart ): Pork chops and uh, applesauce.

Huh?

Pork chops and, uh, applesauce.

Isn't that swell?

I think you need a vacation.

Guess who's, uh, coming to dinner?

A psychiatrist, I hope.

No, I, uh, I think it's Humphrey Bogart.

I'm not sure.

Hi, Dad.

( chuckles ): Hello, Peter.

We're having pork chops and applesauce.

( chuckling )

Hey, Pete, that's pretty good.

Of course, there's only one Humphrey Bogart.

Doubt whether there'll ever be another one.

You don't like this new personality either?

Oh, well, that's just the trouble, Peter.

It's not your new personality.

It's Humphrey Bogart's old one.

All the great personalities belong to somebody else.

Well, why don't you stop trying to imitate other people

and just develop your own personality?

It's not going to be easy.

I hope there is not an old Dracula movie on tv tonight.

What? You don't like Dracula?

(Imitating Dracula)

Oh you know I can't stand it.

See I added a central court yard to handle all the traffic flow.

mmm mmm

Gee, I think that's very attractive.

Yeah, I think that helps.

( knocking )

Oh. Come on in, Peter.

Well, if you're busy, I can come back.

No, it's okay, Pete. Come in.

Well... I was just wondering, uh...

would you like to hear a joke?

A joke?

Well, sure.

It's probably not too funny.

Well, why don't you try us and see?

You don't have to laugh if you don't feel like it.

Why don't you let us be the judge.

Let's hear it.

You know why horses can't go to college?

Um, no. Uh, why can't horses go to college?

They can't finish high school.

( laughing )

Where'd you hear that?

I got it out of a joke book I bought.

That's pretty good. You got another one?

Yeah. If teachers are so smart,

how come they're still in school?

( laughing ) Hey, if teachers are... That's pretty cute.

More coffee? What's so funny?

Oh, Peter's really telling us

some good jokes.

Oh, I love a joke.

Go ahead, tell another one.

Well, these two guys meet on a corner,

and one guy says to the other,

"My brother just got a job making switches

for an electric company."

And the other guy says, "Is it steady work?"

And the first guy says, "No, it's just off and on."

( laughing )

Off and on?

That's very funny...

Do you know what is gray and stand on jungle fire?

Greg: No, what is gray and stands on jungle fire?

Smokie the Elephant.

(All laughing)

Tell me, what do you get when you cross a parrot with a tiger?

I don't know. What do you get when you cross a parrot with a tiger?

I don't know either, but when it talks, you better listen.

(All laughing)

How are the kids coming

with the safety campaign?

Oh, we must have the safest house

in the country by now. Yeah?

The only thing left are seat belts for the dining room chairs.

Don't give that idea to the kids.

( knocking on door )

Come in.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure. What is it, Peter?

Well... I wanted

to ask you something.

Can I have a party?

A party?

Okay, it's all right by me

if it's all right with your mom.

Sure, I don't mind.

Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Dad.

What's the occasion?

I just want to tell a few jokes

and let everybody see my new personality.

You're coming out of your shell. That's good.

Well, now that I've got this great new personality,

why should I waste it on just the family?

You know, Mike, I think

Peter's jokes are kind of cute,

but maybe the kids

he invites to the party won't.

Honey, kids usually like those kind of jokes.

Besides, he's finally enthusiastic about something.

It's important.

Well, I guess you're right.

Who knows? Maybe that's how Bob Hope started.

Ha, ha, ha.

Anybody want seconds? Thirds?

Oh, yeah.

Hey, everybody, you want to hear a joke?

( kids shouting encouragement )

Okay, this man walks into a restaurant

and he says to the waiter,

"Do you serve crabs?"

And the waiter says...

"Sit down. We serve anyone."

( all laughing )

( talking, laughter )

Hey, listen, he's really killing them.

My son, the comedian.

Yeah.

I guess you all heard that one.

Well, how about this one?

This lady goes to the doctor

and she says,

"Doctor, when I get well,

will I be able to play the violin?"

And the doctor says, "Of course!"

And the lady says, "That's great..."

"...'cause I never played it before."

( all laughing )

He's really knocking them dead.

Well, I was right-- another Bob Hope.

Sounds like everybody's having a ball, Peter.

Yeah, some ball.

What's the matter?

We hear them laughing.

Sure. Every time I start to tell a joke,

someone else tells the punch line.

( all talking softly )

What's the matter, Peter?

Nothing.

Then why are you sitting by yourself?

That's what you did at Jane's party last week.

I don't want to ruin everybody's fun.

I'm too dull.

You're not dull.

I think you're very nice.

You're just saying that.

I am not, and if you don't believe me,

ask somebody else.

Hey, Judy, come here.

What's up?

Peter thinks he's dull.

Peter, dull? That's silly.

That's what I said, too.

Hey, what's going on?

Peter says he's dull.

Isn't that ridiculous?

It sure is.

Poor Peter.

He must be miserable in there.

Mm, no, I'm not shy, I really am dull.

Have you seen anybody duller than me?

If Peter's miserable,

that is the only way to be miserable.

( kids talking softly )

( kids laughing )

That's somebody who's dull.

He's got a harem.

( blowing whistle )

( blowing whistle )

BOTH ( yelling ): Fire! Fire!

Fire drill! Fire drill!

Get out this way.

Follow me!

( all shouting )

How's that for a surprise?!

What a dumb time for a fire drill.

Just when I was having fun with my five guests.

You had 11 guests, Peter.

Five. Who counts boys?

( laughing )

He's a chip off the old block, huh?

Oh, yeah? Since when?

I was right all along.

I am dull.

Oh, Peter, don't start that again.

Oh, I don't mind. I like it.

You like it?

It's great. My personality's

making me very popular.

Girls love a dull guy.

You don't say?

PETER: Sure.

They hang around you,

and they try to convince you that you're not dull.

I'm the first guy invited to three parties next week.

Well, looks like dull is in this year.

Why don't you change your personality, dear?

( mimicking Bogart ): If you say so, sweetheart.

( mimicking Bogart ): How about some pork chops

and, uh, applesauce?

I'd rather have a... kiss.

( in normal voice ): Oh, the first time

I've ever kissed Humphrey Bogart.