Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

♪ Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

♪ Gory stories, we do that

♪ And your host, a talking rat

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to...

♪ Horrible Histories. ♪

Horrible Histories presents...

Yes, the Tudors, so terrible, even their clothes were RUFF.

BADUM-TISH!

Yeah, I know, it was a bit early in the show for that one.

The Tudors were an English royal family,

founded by the brilliant King Henry VII,

whose years of prudent accounting and sensible government

are far too boring to mention here. LOUD YAWN

There he is, and when he died,

he couldn't pass the crown on to his first son, Arthur,

on account of him being dead,

so Henry VII passed the crown on to his second son,

Henry... VIII, that's it.

You know the one with all the wife issues.

It's hard enough finding one queen -

think how hard it must have been finding six.

His search for a wife did not start well.

Everyone is looking for that special one in their life,

and for a king, they must be royally special.

Welcome to Historical First Dates.

Henry VIII of England has arrived for his first date.

Yeah, I'm, erm, pretty nervous, but they tell me she's fit.

Catherine is a princess of a powerful country

and a devout Catholic.

I just pray she's good at real tennis.

I'm Henry. Catherine.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

She is also Henry's dead brother's widow.

Seriously, does no-one check if the dates were married to your brother?

Surely that's page one,

along with, does she play real tennis?

Oh, this is a bit of a non-starter isn't it?

I mean, the Tudor Church doesn't even recognise in-laws as a thing,

so you're actually my sister,

and this is not ancient Egypt, so...

Yes, a total disaster.

I am the daughter of the most powerful king in all of Europe,

and there's just not that many people my Spanish father would be

happy with me marrying.

Your brother was perfect... till he died.

Yeah, although, I mean, you guys weren't married that long, were you?

Si, si, this is true.

I mean, I could ask the Pope to say that

you weren't married long enough for it to count.

Kind of like the four-second rule,

when you drop a biscuit on the floor or a piece of salami. Oh, yeah.

I mean, he's bound to agree.

How hard can this be?

OK, then, brother, we shall be married.

Maybe drop the whole brother thing, though, yeah? Will do.

So it went pretty well?

Si, si, I shall be marrying the heir to the throne of England, again.

I mean, for the first time.

The other first time did not count.

Good times, sis.

I mean, wife, not sis.

It's true, Henry did manage to bend the rules so that

his brother's widow, Catherine of Aragon, could become his wife.

They had a daughter called

Mary, but Henry wasn't happy.

He wanted a son to be king after him.

He was very hard to please.

I mean, just watch him

getting ready for bed.

MUSIC: Greensleeves

HENRY YAWNS

Right, an early night, I think.

Sleepy Henry VII after another hard day's ruling over everything.

Yes, good idea, sire - an early night.

I shall just get the list, Your Highness.

Step one, check for assassins.

Clear!

Step two, lay down a bed of down,

and three, check that no-one is hidden inside.

Clear!

Step four, lay pillows, sheets and blankets and a luxury ermine cover.

Ah...

Step five, all make the sign of the cross.

Step six, all kiss the royal bed.

KISSES SQUELCH

Er, yes, all right, that's fine.

Step seven, sprinkle with holy water.

For goodness' sake, I just want to go to sleep!

Whose idea was all this nonsense?

Yours, sire.

Just give it here.

I'll whip through these.

Step eight, bring near the royal night stool.

Step nine, lay out the royal dressing gown,

and finally step ten,

build a solid brick wall to prevent intruders

getting anywhere near me as I sleep.

Come on!

Finally...

Ah, bliss.

BRICKS THUDDING

Shh!

COCKEREL CROWS

WALL CRUMBLES Morning, sire. Breakfast.

Go away!

Six wives...and they call me a rat.

Henry VIII was married to Catherine of Aragon

for 24 years,

and with no more children,

it looked like Mary would become queen.

But the law said if Henry had a son,

then he would become king

even though he was younger,

because he was a boy.

Now, you might think that sounds crazy and old-fashioned

but guess what?

That law wasn't changed until 2013.

Still, the longer her parents went

without having a son,

the more certain Mary was that she would become queen.

Hey, Catholic crew, Mary here.

♪DaddysLittlePrincess.

No, totally, because Daddy is Henry VIII

and I'm the only surviving child, so I'm going to be queen one day.

Hello.

Dad, you're so embarrassing. Sorry, darling.

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY Ooh!

SHE GROWLS

OK, so Henry VIII, Dad, is saying

that his marriage to my mum

Catherine of Aragon doesn't count

because she used to be married to

his dead brother, and he's only just

realised that, like, 18 years later,

so now he's talking to the Pope

about having it cancelled or something.

He just wants a boy to be king

after he dies.

♪HurryUpAndActuallyDie.

Popetastic news, people!

Rome said no.

In your face, Dad.

You think you can do whatever you want just because you're king.

Well, you can't!

He can.

He's started his own church and dumped my mum,

and now his new queen, Anne Boleyn, is having a baby.

It so totally better not be a boy.

BABY CRIES It's another girl! Yes!

Still heir to the throne.

No, Elizabeth is.

I made the new baby heir.

Now, do your homework.

I've done it. Well, do it again.

This is so unfair!

It's true - in a bid to have a son,

Henry dumped Catherine and married Anne Boleyn,

but Anne didn't have a son either -

she had another daughter

called Elizabeth.

Great news.

Well, not really,

because Henry still wanted a son.

It was an age of great explorers,

and Henry was already exploring

his options with as much enthusiasm

as Columbus had explored the world.

BELL RINGS It's a new term,

and head teacher Hannah Lawrence has just two weeks

to turn around the school, whose last Ofsted rating was

"OMG, someone should flatten this place and build a car park."

Welcome to Historical Educating.

I want the children to actually connect with their subjects,

so, starting with key stage two geography,

I'm bringing in a teacher who really knows his subject first-hand.

-Class 7 -F's new teacher is Christopher Columbus.

Ciao, bambini. Yes, it is I, the famous Christopher Columbus.

Wrong way, sir!

You are sitting in the wrong place, innit?

My geographical calculations clearly show you should be over here.

OK, Mr Columbus doesn't have classroom experience

or a sense of direction,

but he discovered America, for goodness' sake.

The kids can look up to him and say,

"Hey, maybe one day I can discover a continental landmass too."

Who can tell me where you get to if you set out from Spain, huh,

and cross the mighty ocean?

America, sir.

"America Sir"? No, no, never heard of it.

No, it goes Spain, sea monsters,

sea dragons, Japan.

That's not Japan, sir. That's Cuba.

HE SCOFFS

Cuba...

Oh, Mexico, Latin America...

No, no, no, no, this...

This globe is all completely wrong.

GLOBE SMASHES AND CAT YOWLS Luckily, I brought my own.

Sir, that looks a lot like a pear.

Yeah, just like the earth itself,

which is why, when I went to Japan,

I had to sail uphill, innit?

THEY LAUGH AND GROAN

It's only 23 minutes into the new term,

and Columbus is called into the head teacher's office.

Ah, peculiar - there's no-one here.

I'm over here.

Oh, well, according to my calculations,

you should not be there, you should...

Apparently your calculations also say that the world is

pear-shaped and there's no such place as America.

America again... Look, there's no such place.

OK, I'll tell you what's gone pear-shaped - this job.

You're fired. Well, it's too late, cos I quit.

No, because I just fired you.

I can't hear what you're saying.

I am walking out of here already, so...

That's a cupboard.

Not according to my calculations! HE LAUGHS

Hello, Henry VIII here.

I was the second king of the Tudor dynasty,

which ruled over England for 120 years.

I also hold the record for eating the most pork in one sitting...

probably. I can't imagine anyone's eaten more.

Yes, the Tudors were pretty legendary.

Did you know my father Henry VII was the first to call himself

a Tudor king?

But who was the last to call themselves a Tudor?

Was it...?

The answer is C, Henry VII.

Yes, he was the first and last.

The rest of us were so embarrassed by the name Tudor,

we never used it.

I mean, Henry Tudor, sort of, silly, isn't it? Boring!

Sounds like Liz Windsor or something.

Ridiculous name for a monarch. Oi!

Sorry, Liz.

Still desperate for a son,

Henry decided to try again,

and he had his second wife

Anne Boleyn executed.

BLADE SLICES

HEAD SQUELCHES Ow.

So, Henry was looking for

another wife.

Some are lucky in love -

they meet the woman of their dream

and they spend the rest of their lives with them.

Others just chop their heads off.

King Henry is back looking for the next next special one in his life.

The specially special, special one.

Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.

How's it going? Henry.

Jane Seymour.

Yup. Look, I'm, erm...

I'm sorry if I don't seem in a great mood.

I'm just getting over a pretty tough break-up.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that. You must be heartbroken.

Yeah, well, to be fair, it's harder on her.

I mean, she is in bits.

HENRY INHALES SHARPLY Look, do you want to get married?

I need a male heir pretty sharpish.

Yeah? Great.

Cheque.

Henry, you look really happy.

Well, I am, you know, really happy. Erm...

She's the best one yet.

She's a winner, a keeper.

Not a divorcee.

Not a, you know, choppy.

She's a keeper, and she's brilliant at real tennis.

Fantastic drop shot.

Good times, I hope.

Henry VIII finally had a son,

and Prince Edward became

the new heir to the throne,

but Jane Seymour sadly died

just 12 days afterwards,

and Henry was back in the market

for a new wife.

A couple of years later

he married number four,

Anne of Cleves,

replacing her within days

with Catherine Howard,

and less than two years after that,

wife number six, Catherine Parr.

That one went pretty well,

mainly because Henry died

a couple of years later,

and now Edward VI

was the new Tudor King.

Hey, Protestant posse, it's me, Edward,

current rightful heir, etcs.

I'm here with my big half-sis, Lady Elizabeth.

Sup?

Yeah, so, cool, listen, we've got some super-swag news

and some super-sad news.

Dad's dead!

Elizabeth, I was going to say that.

Edward's going to be king! Ah!

Could you...? Right, yes, King Edward, OK?

Kedward! I'm going to be king for ages.

Kedward's dead!

♪Boohoo again.

Queen at last!

Bad news, massive awks between me and Lizzie-Beth,

so I had her locked in the Tower of London just to be on the safe side.

We're still totally besties, though, obvs, kind of.

♪QueenForever.

Queen Mary lasted five years

on the throne, but with no heirs

of her own, she was succeeded

by her younger half-sister,

Elizabeth, and Elizabeth had the same problem as her father,

her brother and her sister.

She needed a son, and that meant playing the dating game.

Still single, Queen Elizabeth I is attracting a lot of attention,

but choosing someone to marry isn't easy.

She's hoping this first date will set her heart aflutter.

Prince Eric, how are you?

I have date.

Fantastic. Follow me.

Your Majesty, may I present you to your date, Prince Eric of Sweden?

Enjoy your date.

Thank you.

Hello.

Would you like to be my husband, wife, happy face?

No. Just no.

Fred!

Your Majesty. Take him away. At once.

Thank you. Come here.

Are you going to eat them? Come here!

Long before Elizabeth was on the hunt for true love,

explorers flocked to South America to hunt for gold.

They would destroy everything in their way to get it,

and had a habit of killing the locals,

so the locals came up with a clever idea to save themselves.

PARROT SQUAWKS

Sorry I'm late, babes.

Oh, it's all right, it's quiet.

Only a couple through so far.

Oh, hold on, here comes another lot.

Still no sign of these cities of gold, Gonzalo.

FLY BUZZES

I'm beginning to doubt that they even exist, to be honest.

But cities of solid gold, compadre,

why would the locals make that up?

FLY BUZZES I don't know, but either way,

I think that we should

call off the search

and just burn down their villages

and steal all their stuff

like normal, please.

FLY BUZZES Greetings, godlike warriors.

Seek you the fabulous cities of gold that shine like the sun?

All right, don't overcook it.

Si, I, Gonzalo Pizarro, seek the legendary city of El Dorado.

FLY BUZZES I do that as well.

He does too.

It's down that path, away from our village, and then you turn left

and then walk for about a week, and then you climb over

the mountain, swim through the Malaria-Infested Water -

don't worry about the name -

and then it's just up there on the right.

I'm going to be richest man in Spain! Ha-ha!

♪ La la la la la la! Hey! ♪

Directions to the crocodile breeding ground -

nice touch.

Oi, oi, incoming.

Look, natives. Let us torture them until they tell us where it is.

No need, mighty masters, for legend of your strength and heroism

has already reached us, and we are so afraid.

Excellent. Ponce de Leon my be hunting for the Fountain of Youth

in the north like an idiota,

but we, we hunt a city made entirely of gold,

which is way more believable.

Right, so it's 100 miles that way,

turn right, look for a tree, and Bob's your poncho.

What kind of a tree?

It's got a brown trunk and green leaves. Can't miss it.

Ha! Glory awaits. Gracias.

MAN YELPS

You, you sent us to the capital of crocodile!

You said it was that way and then right.

No, it was a left. Oh!

Come on, Gonzalo, we've got to go,

or else we're never going to find it.

Unless...

You aren't just giving us the run-around to get rid of us?

No!

Gold city, thataway.

Really?

There is also a tribe of Amazonian river women who really like kissing.

Oh. I like kissing too! Yeah.

Come on, Gonzalo. Oh, which way from the path?

Right. Left.

Left. Right.

Left then right.

Seems simple enough. Let's go!

♪ Ha! La la la la la la la... ♪

Those Spanish explorers never did find the lost city of gold,

mainly because it didn't exist,

but that didn't stop others looking, too,

including some famous British pirates.

Oh, sorry, not pirates, explorers.

And they made a fortune, not from El Dorado

but from stealing gold from other people's boats,

which is totally not what pirates do,

and lots of them came from one particular place.

SEA SHANTY PLAYS

Pa, I don't want to go to sea.

Don't be daft!

The best navigators in the world comes from Devon, just like us!

Come on, there's some people I want you to meet.

Oh-ho-ho-ho! Sir Walter Raleigh and Sir Francis Drake, it's me...

MUSIC SLOWS TO A STOP

..John Davis!

Discoverer of the Falkland Islands!

Oh, yeah, the place with absolutely no gold and lots of penguins.

And absolutely no gold.

Yeah, I just said that. All right.

Oh, them penguins -

better than gold, if anything, I reckon.

Anyway, my son says he doesn't want to go to sea, would you believe it?

I'm begging your pardon, you what, now, beg your pardon?

That's the best place for a fine young Devon lad like yourself,

and we'll show you why, through a song.

MUSIC: TO THE TUNE OF THE COMBINE HARVESTER

♪ I sailed right round the globe and saw many a sight

♪ Ooh arr ooh arr

♪ I attacked Spanish ports to show Queen Liz's might

♪ Ooh arr, ooh arr

♪ Sailed right back to England with treasure in the hold

♪ Ooh arr, ooh arr

♪ The Spanish says I's a pirate but I've still got all their gold

♪ Now I've got a brand-new land to find

♪ And you can come with me

♪ We're going to make all our fortunes when we cross the sea

♪ You can get a knighthood and I'll get more wealthy

♪ Oh, I've got a brand-new land to find... ♪

HE FARTS ♪ Just don't get dysentery

♪ I explored the new world and set up colonies

♪ Ooh arr, ooh arr

♪ Brought back potatoes but not the coconut

♪ That was me Ooh arr ooh arr

♪ He fought in the Armada and flirted with his queen

♪ Ooh arr, ooh arr

♪ I'll find El Dorado and be the richest man ever seen

♪ Now I've got a brand-new land to find

♪ So why don't you come with me?

♪ We're going to make all our fortunes when we cross the sea

♪ You can get a knighthood and I'll get more wealthy

♪ But don't forget to bring your sword

♪ Cos nothing comes for free

♪ I saw the Falklands and discovered some penguins

♪ Ooh arr, ooh arr... ♪

MUSIC STOPS

Guys? It's my verse!

Oh, come on, everyone loves penguins, right?

PENGUINS SQUAWK

Hello, I'm Queen Liz I.

Now, during Tudor times we rarely took baths,

so, as you can imagine,

our underwear must have been really rather smelly,

but what did I do with my royal stockings after I'd worn them?

Did I...?

The answer is

B, I very generously gave them to my servants as presents.

Here you are.

SHE SNIFFS

SHE THUDS Well, that's Christmas sorted, then.

Stockings for everyone. Ha!

18 years later, and with her youthful looks now fading,

Queen Elizabeth is on a first date with

teenage heir to the French throne,

Francis of Anjou.

Is he the man she's been looking for?

Mother says I'm not allowed to have wine.

SHE CHUCKLES

Oh, OK.

Orange squash it is, then.

Ah, oui.

So, will you be seeing Francis of Anjou for a second date?

Well, I'm not getting any younger, and he's quite attractive

in a youthful way, so I've sort of agreed to marry him,

and when I die, France will rule England, and then...

Oh, no, hang on.

Francis, you're dumped!

Ah, I remember Ratalie and my first date.

We had a sewer picnic of rotten fruit beside a river of poo and wee.

Ah, I can still see it, and smell it.

It was perfect.

But it wasn't perfect for Elizabeth.

She was running out of time to find a Tudor heir,

and after Elizabeth, the whole Tudor dynasty came to an end.

But that's not to say she didn't find love, of sorts.

That's right, I'm married to England.

Suits me just fine.

No snoring in bed, and I think it means that

everyone in the country has to buy me a present,

so win-win.

Farewell, Your Majesty,

but, hang on, before you say goodbye to us Tudors,

there's just time to see this fantastic Tudor sketch,

written by CBBC competition winner, Abigail.

It's all about one of King Henry VIII's odd laws.

Enjoy.

KNOCK AT DOOR Arrow inspector, open up.

KNOCKING CONTINUES

Hello, come in.

Right, you two, you know the law.

All menfolk up to the age of 60 must each have a bow

and four arrows in the house to protect in case of invasion.

His Majesty King Henry VIII commands it.

One bow and four arrows, sir.

Ready and willing to protect king and country, sir.

ARROW INSPECTOR LAUGHS You're a bit young,

but I like your spirit, lad.

Right, well, thanks very much for coming around.

Hold on, sir.

May I inspect your arrows, please?

Yeah.

Come on, come on.

Do you know how many arrows I've got to inspect today?

There you go.

What's this, then?

This is the latest in arrow technology.

Top of the range, this.

Well, that just looks like a kitchen knife.

No, no, this...

This is state of the art in the arrow world.

One of the sharpest arrows on the market, this.

All the pros are using this one.

How about this? That looks like a candle.

Yeah, yeah, I know, because it's covered in wax.

It makes it more aerodynamic, flies quicker.

Oh, right.

What about this one, then? That's just a loaf of bread.

THEY LAUGH Bread!

No, no, this is just blunt.

Needs a bit of a sharpen and then, seriously,

when you get this...

Robin Hood would use these.

Oh, right. Very good, then.

Hold on, I said four arrows.

That's only three.

There you go, four arrows.

Right, that's it, these ain't arrows at all.

Unless you are a judge or a churchman,

or you've got a doctor's note, you'll have to pay a fine.

I can get a doctors note, no problem.

Yeah? What's wrong with you?

Ow!

I've been hit by an arrow.

It's a mammoth hit!

LAUGHTER

Cut!

I saw your hand creeping in. LAUGHTER

I also like my... Clear!

Your what? LAUGHTER

Hello again.

Oh, that was an English accent.

Sorry. I forgot I was French.

LAUGHTER

Ach, it's never late to och, noo, ah.

LAUGHTER Generic Scottish sounds.

Your Majesty... Bonjour.

I know I'm just a common frog,

but if you kiss me, I could turn into a prince

and we could live happily ever after.

Well, go on, then.

HE SIGHS, CREW LAUGHS

THEY LAUGH

Ha!

Huh!

Ah-hah!

Ah, what was the line?

Alfonso, how could you?

Ay, caramba!

LAUGHTER

♪ Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts

♪ The ugly truth, no glam or glitz We showed you all the juicy bits

♪ Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel

♪ Stuff they don't teach you at school

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. ♪