Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

♪ Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

♪ Gory stories, we do that

♪ And your host, a talking rat

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to...

♪ Horrible Histories. ♪

Horrible Histories presents...

The ancient history of the human race is rich

with great civilisations.

Entire empires and peoples who changed the world

with their ideas, strength and scientific advances.

But in each one, we rats were right there alongside you,

eating your garbage and weeing in your houses.

You're welcome.

Yes, even at the dawn of humankind,

when your distant cousins, the Neanderthals, were still around,

my ancient cousin Ratto Ratto

was there to entertain with his impressions.

RATTO BAAS

That impression of sheep.

Yeah, all right, they're not that entertaining.

Your cousins weren't any more impressive.

New from Horrible Music, the enchanting sounds of prehistory.

It's Neanderthal Choral Classics.

Before instruments, before real language, before modern humans,

there lived Neanderthals, with their beautiful voice.

HE SCREECHES

Relax and unwind with a selection of timeless classics -

the golden age of rock.

Well, rocks.

From massive club hits,

HE GRUNTS, SCREECHES ..to haunting romantic duets.

Woman! Berries!

The unique shape of the Neanderthal throat, combined with their

powerful chest and massive noses,

creates a sound you'll never forget!

THEY BOTH SCREECH

Just perfect for soothing lullabies.

BOTH: Baby sleep, baby sleep.

BABY CRIES

Ahh, he's singing.

For the first time on one compilation.

HE SING ASCENDING NOTES OUT OF TUNE

Neanderthal Choral Classics,

the unique sound that will echo through the ages.

Order today and get a free mammoth song relaxation CD.

THUDDING Mammoth!

THEY ALL SCREAM, MAMMOTH TRUMPETS

Neanderthal Choral Classics.

It's a mammoth hit.

Those Neanderthals actually lived at the same time

as early humans like me.

Did you know we even invented things in the stone age

that you still use today?

Friends, I have an invention that is going to change the world.

I call it the wheel.

The whe-e-el? Wheel?

Yeah, because WE'LL all benefit from it, so WHEEL.

Ah, it's a working title, I'll probably change it.

Anyway, the point is it helps you move heavy things

with hardly any effort.

It don't work. Ah, see, you're doing it wrong.

So, you stand it up like this,

hold, and then you put a stick in there

and then it moves.

See? Clever, isn't it?

Where do you put the turnips?

Well, I'm coming to that.

I'll be honest with you, I prefer my sack.

Friends, I too have an invention.

And it's better than yours.

This should be good.

Yeah, it is, actually.

I present...

..the other wheel. Oh!

Yeah! What do you mean, "Oh!" He's copied me.

No, I haven't, cos yours is rubbish.

You can't carry anything on that. But with mine...

There you go.

Nice. Two more at the other end, a bit of a platform and WE'LL benefit.

You could get the whole family on that, but, at the same time,

it's handy if you're just nipping out for a turnip.

Hello, original inventor here.

Does it come in granite?

Fine, I am going to the next village.

Perhaps there they will appreciate my genius.

SHE GRUNTS

Yeah, you know what would help you there? Yes, I know.

Are you a caveman using moss to wipe your bum?

Are you a Roman freshening up with a shared poo stick?

Get out.

Are you the Frenchman who said the best thing to wipe your bum

with was a goose head?

Come on, it was a joke, I use a cloth.

Who would actually use a goose?

GOOSE HONKS Shh.

Then you need new toilet paper.

What's toilet paper?

What is a toilet?

New toilet paper from China is soft, disposable

and mass-produced in sheets.

HE FARTS

That sounds amazing. Count me in.

What is a toilet?

Keep your bottom clean and healthy with new toilet paper,

as used by the Chinese Emperor since 1391.

Warning, original Chinese toilet paper, smallest size,

one-metre squared.

How big is the Chinese Emperor's bum?

Onto ancient Egypt, land of the pharaohs, where rat history

and human history once again look similar.

You may have had mighty pharaoh Ramesses II,

but we had Rattesses XII.

Ramesses built entire cities and filled them

with statues, whilst Rattesses tried to make a sculpture out of poo

and then ate it, so maybe your pharaoh is better after all.

But he wasn't perfect, just look at what he built.

Welcome to Historical Grand Designs.

Ramesses and his wife Nefertari have

won many battles and built incredible cities and monuments,

none more so than the one they're planning right now.

Ramesses II, great to meet you and, eh...

Yeah, it is great to meet me. RAMESSES LAUGHS

Welcome, welcome to the mansion of the millions of years,

of Usermaatre Setepenre,

which joined with Thebes in the domain of Amun.

We're going to call it the Ramesseum for short, my idea.

Yes, it's real gold.

Silly question, but where on Earth are you guys going to sleep?

Oh, no, no, no, wrong end of the stick, big guy.

No, we're not going to live here, I'm building this place

so that people can worship me after I'm dead.

Worship us. Worship us, darling. You did promise.

And what's going to go over there?

Yeah, I'm thinking a massive statue of me,

with my name carved in extra deep, so that no future pharaohs

can come along and chip it off and pretend it's them, like I do.

HE LAUGHS

And what about over there, what's going there?

I'm thinking another massive statue of me.

What about over there - another massive, er, statue of you?

No, no. A statue of me?

Two statues of me.

Big fellas. Whoa.

OK, all right.

In fact, Ramesses plans to fill the entire Ramesseum

with statues of himself.

I just wonder if it might be a tiny bit statue-heavy.

Ramesses and Nefertari, it's been a lot of work, has it been worth it?

Er, I don't know, ask the slaves.

I'm joking, please don't speak to the slaves.

So there you have it. What better legacy could Ramesses

leave behind than a temple full to the brim with big...

Headed.

..statues. Of me.

HE LAUGHS

I kind of do the sign-offs, but, you know...

Ramesses, Ramesses.

I've found it, Ramesses.

Oh, hello there.

Just looking for my husband, the great pharaoh Ramesses II.

He's lost something very important, part of his pharaoh costume.

Can you tell me what strange thing he wears

to show people he's the boss?

Is it...

Well, the answer is...

B, it's a bull's tail that attaches to the back of his costume

on important occasions.

Pin your tail on the pharaoh kind of thing.

Hey, Ramesses, I'm coming to get you.

HE LAUGHS You wouldn't catch Rattesses XII wearing a silly

bull's tail to look good, no.

Mind you, he did carry a rotten cabbage leaf on his head.

Well, you never know when you're going to get hungry, do you?

He was a hero, unlike my Greek ancestor, Herorattus.

Boo. RECORD SCRATCH

HE LAUGHS He might have had hero in his name,

but he was a proper villain.

Legend had it, he once ate all the cheese in ancient Athens

and then did a doo-doo in the cheese box.

I think there was a human villain called something similar

who was just as unpopular.

People of Ephesus, our city has suffered a terrible crime.

The Temple of Artimis, one of the seven wonders of the world,

has been burned to the ground by the villain Herostratus.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

He committed the crime for one reason only -

to make himself famous.

That's typical.

To deny him this, it is henceforth forbidden, on pain of death,

to speak the name Herostratus.

You just said it.

No. No, no, no, it's not started yet.

So the law against saying Herostratus actually starts no...

THEY ALL SAY "HEROSTRATUS"

..now.

What about writing it down?

I mean, if you write it down it's not the same as saying Herostratus.

THEY ALL GASP Oh! Right, he said it, arrest him.

No, no, I didn't, I didn't. I said hero stabilisers.

That's what I said, didn't I?

Yeah, it's a different thing. It's made up, it's made up.

That's good. Er, right.

Just not Herostratus. THEY ALL GASP

Argh! Oh, fair enough.

STABBING, GRUNTING Sorry I'm late, everyone.

What have I missed? There's a new law. You can't mention...

..you know. No, I don't know, I've only just arrived.

H-He...

He who must not be named.

Voldemort?

Thanks very much.

Sorry, I can't read.

What does that say?

Herostratus. THEY ALL GASP

He said it! Said what? Herostratus!

Ah! Ah! Who's Herostratus? You said it!

Everybody's got to stop saying Herostratus!

He's at it again! What's happened?

Someone must have said Herostratus.

I'm under arrest!

He said Herostratus! Ah, I did it again!

It wasn't all villainy and silliness,

Ancient Greece is responsible for some incredible artistic

masterpieces that still survive today.

Hello, I'm Swill Gumbitz

and welcome to a special HH News cultural report.

Greek statues, beautiful, elegant, but where do they come from?

I've narrowed it down to Greece.

Which is why I've come to Ancient Greece itself to see the statues

of the great sculpture Phidias,

as they were originally intended to be seen.

Their pale white...

Oi! Stop that, you vandal.

What, where?

Well, Phidias's art can be enjoyed across the world, but it seems

even his work in Ancient Greece itself is not safe from vandals.

You, sir, are a hooligan.

No, I'm not I'm an Athenian. No, I mean...

Right, give me that brush.

What-what on Earth is going on?

This idiot is painting bright colours all over these

beautiful statues. It'll take weeks to wash it off.

Stop it. What are you doing?

Greek statues are supposed to be painted.

I don't think they are. They are. I don't think they are. They are. I don't think they are.

I'm an Ancient Greek, trust me, I know.

But the museums of the future are full of lovely plain white ones.

Well, then the paint must have faded or some idiots washed it off.

A hoolihen like you.

Hooligan. See, he admits it. Ah.

So if these are meant to be painted then you're, erm...

Phidias! Can I just say what an honour it is to have met you.

No.

So there you have it -

painting was in fact all the rage in Ancient Greece,

so what better way for me to sign off than having a go myself.

I'm Swill Gumbitz, goodbye.

Can you tell which one's mine?

Men of the Sacred Band of Thebes,

we are famous across the world, armies quake at our name,

because they know that for every man we face, they face two.

Ho-ha! We are the only regiment in the world made up of couples.

Ho-ha! Excuse me. Hi.

Sorry. Sorry, everyone. We're late, carry on.

WE weren't late, he was. Typical.

A bit of forward planning wouldn't go amiss.

Can we not do this now, please?

WHISPERED: I'm sorry.

We fight in pairs because we know that no matter what,

when our lives are in danger our partners will be there for us.

That'd be a nice change, wouldn't it? Oh...

Men, on my signal, march!

ALL: Ho-ha! Hang on.

What?

One second. Sorry, Malcolm.

I really think we should talk about this now.

I would hate for you to have this playing on your mind

when you're supposed to be protecting me from a Spartan attack.

Well, what if I don't want to talk now?

What do you mean? You just wanted... You can't...

Guys, can we please speed it up.

I mean, we do have a battle to go to.

I don't want to lose just because

of some petty argument about someone being late.

So being late isn't important, hmm?

Two hours my mum kept that meal warm for you.

I didn't... I didn't mean that. And please don't undermine me

in front of my men, it's embarrassing.

Excuse me.

OK... I mean our men, our men.

Oh, typical. This is so typical of you.

Why is that typical of me? It's always the same.

I don't think we should be doing this in front of the men.

I don't think we should be doing it, but we are. OK...

Look, all right, all right.

If we all argue we will miss the battle.

Not like you to miss something. Oh, here we go again.

Yes, here we go again, actually. Unbelievable.

THEY ALL ARGUE

You see, this is why we Spartans don't allow couples in our army.

Hey, don't push him, please.

Shovey Sheila.

Shall we attack?

I'm not getting in the middle of that.

Me and Ratalie went to war once.

Yeah, she threw a rotten carrot at me for snoring.

I shall treasure it as a symbol of our love forever.

Or at least until I get hungry. HE CHUCKLES

Now, let me introduce you to a less famous civilisation,

the ancient Assyrian Empire in the Middle East.

The Ancient Assyrians invented loads of things,

including the postal service and even parking tickets.

Which is actually kind of weird because they didn't have cars,

not that it stopped those pesky traffic wardens.

No, no, no, don't give me a ticket. I was only gone five minutes

and I left me hazard candles on.

Can't you read, sir? No.

That is a road sign.

I've never heard of them.

Well, they're new.

It says, "Royal road, let no man lessen it."

What does that mean?

It means the king of Assyria has designated

the processional on the way to Nineveh as urban freeway.

What does that mean?

It means no parking. So why doesn't it just say that then?

Because none of you can read.

And also I think the "royal road, let no man lessen it,"

sounds somehow more kingly, don't you think?

He should have just drawn a little cart with a line going through it.

Anyway, you're going to have to get towed, sir. Uh.

MAN BEEPS No, not my cart. I need it for work.

It's not going to get impounded, is it?

The cart isn't getting towed, sir, you are. Huh?

Don't worry, you're not going to get impounded.

Oh, good.

You're going to get impaled.

Yes, the punishment for parking on the royal road.

Impaled, what do you mean?

Does this diagram help?

A little man with a line going through it.

What? Oi!

Oi, this is a no-right-turn junction

So what?

There's plenty of room on the stick.

Alexander The Great was one of the most famous leaders

of Ancient Greece, who ruled a part of it called Macedon.

He created a huge empire when he conquered large parts of Asia

and Africa. He was a great general

but he rarely gets any credit for his softer side.

Well, that's India conquered. Hail the Great Alexander.

Hail me!

Ah, a local dignitary. What priceless cultural treasure

are you going to offer me to take home to Macedonia in glory?

Erm... Ooh, well, er...

W-we've got this. Could I...?

What the Hades was that?

We call it kissing. It's very important in our culture.

By priceless I meant as in, priceless spices and jewellery,

not some crazy person's slobbery lips

all over my face. Urgh, it's all slimy!

It's kissing. We think it's very nice.

People here love it. I'm sure it's not hygienic.

Mind you, neither is slaughtering people on the battlefield.

It only feels gross because we're strangers.

You're supposed to do it with the object of your love.

Like I love my sword?

Ow! Oh, don't do that.

No, I mean, you do it with a person.

A person that you love, you know, like a pretty girl.

HE SNIGGERS

Really? Yuck, your greatness.

Or-or family...

..or even a close friend.

So you're saying if I kissed, say, Eudemus...

THEY CHUCKLE

..I'd like it.

Perhaps.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

You good? Mm-hm.

I did like that.

You see? Eh, eh?

I think this kissing thing could really catch on, actually.

Am I getting the hang of it? Oh, yeah. Let's go again.

No, you're all right.

You then, pucker up.

Oh, no, it stopped working. That was horrible.

Work on your kissing, soldier, it's an order.

I quite liked it, your greatness,

I never knew kissing tasted quite so much like pickled onions.

They do taste a bit like pickled onions.

Really? I'm not getting that.

HE SNIFFS Oh, wow. do excuse me. I just...

We rats have never been big on kissing, it's quite vulgar

when compared to the more traditional bum sniff.

Oh, yes, I'm quite the gentleman,

just like my ancient relative Rattusius Minnimus.

I created a rat empire that stretched from the public toilets

in the Colosseum all the way through the sewers

to the wee collector's house near the leather shop.

And above, in the human world,

was the new civilisation called Rome.

It was one of the greatest empires of all time.

But you might want to be careful about the food,

as the Emperor Claudius is about to find out.

I'm Agrippina, wife of Roman Emperor Claudius

and mother to my darling boy, Nero.

SMASHING, CAT SCREECHES

Today I'm cooking a dish to die for, my dead-licious mushrooms.

Mmm, they just need a tiny dash of my secret ingredient.

Poison from my friend Locusta.

Just allow them to soak up those wonderful, fatal toxins.

Mmm, I wish you could smell it.

Perfect for killing your husband

so your infant son can become emperor.

When will I be Emperor, Mummy?

Not until Daddy's had his dinner, darling.

SHE CHUCKLES

Now, it's absolutely essential that your husband's food taster

is in on the plan.

It's a tiny thing, but forget it and the whole dish

will end up in the bin and you'll probably end up being executed.

Wow, these smell delicious, and completely safe.

There's nothing more rewarding than the look of enjoyment

upon their faces, followed by the slow contorting grimace of agony

and approaching death.

It might take a while - I've used slow-acting poison...

and double cream. I know, wicked.

Finished to perfection.

Oh, sad face.

So there you have it,

a delicious recipe for murder, and hardly any washing up.

Oh, there you are, darling Nero.

Or should I call you Emperor Nero?

Would you like Mummy to make you some lunch?

No.

Then you better do exactly as Mummy says from now on.

Mummy, you're scary.

Yes, darling, I am.

As Agrippina planned, Nero became Emperor of Rome

when he was just 17.

But Nero didn't only want to rule the empire,

he wanted to rule the ancient Roman pop charts too.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to

the Emperor of Rome himself, Emperor Nero.

Oh, no.

What?

Get out now. Really?

Oi, sit down.

Too late, we're locked in.

♪ Well I'm a Roman who likes to go roaming

♪ All around the world... # It's not that bad.

Oh, yeah?

♪ Wherever I roam Rome is my home

♪ All you boys and girls

♪ I like to sing Singing is my thing... ♪

What time did he come on?

About half six.

What time did we get here? Wednesday.

♪ I'd go and get my lyre

♪ I'd sing my song a bing a bang a bong... ♪

You know, I've seen him before in Greece at the Olympics.

The Olympics, I thought that was sports.

Yeah, until Nero turned up, decided music was a sport

and insisted upon winning.

Act like you're enjoying yourselves.

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la

♪ Well, I'm a Roman

♪ Who likes to go roaming

♪ All around the world

♪ My name is Nero I'm a singing hero

♪ My enemies say "dear, oh, dear" when I am near

♪ Oh. ♪

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you. Yes, thank you.

I'm afraid I have to leave you now.

It's over, he's fished. Thank Jupiter.

HE LAUGHS

But, I hope you'll join me again...

Fat chance.

..after this short interval.

I'll get the drinks in.

Now hang on a wee minute, if you're talking about

important ancient civilisations and musical talent,

you'd better be featuring us Celts.

We made music that would make your eyes water,

and other parts of your body too.

Er, where do you think you're off to, young Celt?

I'm off out to play with my axe.

What about your music lesson? Your teacher will be here any minute.

Oh, Ma!

I didn't spend two weeks' peat harvest on a brand-new carnyx

war horn for you to leave it hanging up on the hut wall.

I hate this stupid carnyx.

SQUEALING You'll not be saying that when you've

led your tribe into battle against the Romans with it, wee man.

Now then, let's hear the piece you've been working on.

HE BLOWS AIR

What was that supposed to be?

This is how it's supposed to sound.

ROARING, RUMBLING

Oh, that was absolutely shocking.

Cheers. You see,

the carnyx is meant to strike fear into the heart of whoever hears it.

Try again.

BLOWING

You're getting worse, well done!

I wish my parents had made me learn when I was a bairn.

It's never too late, you know.

You sound quite dreadful,

but you're still not giving me nightmares. Again.

ROARING AND RUMBLING

That was it! Look, your neighbours are running for the Trossachs, SCREAMING

and your mother's ears are bleeding.

You did that.

ROARING AND RUMBLING

FARTING

You smell that, son? Eh?

You just made me brown my breeks.

Same time next week.

Oh son, you've made your old ma...

SHE FARTS ..proud.

Oh, lovely! So, which is the greatest civilisation of all?

It's hard to say.

Plus, there have been so many civilisations that have risen

and fallen, and perhaps the greatest civilisation never really

fell at all.

A modern version of ancient China is still with us today.

And there are many who would argue that China was in fact the greatest,

particularly when it comes to inventions. Mind you,

the Ancient Greeks might have something to say about that.

Yo, yo, it's going down right now.

So, like, all these Ancient Greeks, right, turned up talking about,

"Oh, we invented all this stuff, way more than you Romans.

Right, and then the ancient Chinese guys, they turned up

and they're like, "Oh, we invented enough stuff,

"way more than you Greeks."

Now, that is fighting talk, man, you get me?

Things about to get real, real fast. It's going to be nice.

All right, all right, I got one.

♪ Yo, I'm a master inventor

♪ The greatest in China

♪ Wasting my time with these Athenian whiners

♪ We've invented everything, from goldfish to bum wipers,

♪ We were inventing while Greeks were still in diapers. ♪

Yeah! That's all right, that's all right. Listen up.

♪ Democracy, geometry and even physics

♪ The marathon, the plate and even the Olympics

♪ The alarm clock, the anchor and central heating

♪ The only way you're going to win this is if you invented cheating. ♪

Oh!

♪ You want a list?

♪ We got oodles

♪ We invented noodles while you were doing doodles

♪ On the paper we invented for you. ♪

Oh, yeah!

♪ Sit down and pull up a chair

♪ Like my steam engine, you're full of hot air

♪ We invented mathematics, we even invented pie

♪ Oh, and by the way, your momma says hi. ♪

What?

Yeah, I just saw her down the shops with your dad.

Check it out.

♪ Greeks might fill pages with their books

♪ But we invented fishing reels for reeling in your hooks

♪ Acupuncture, silk, crossbows and the bell

♪ Our inventions are awesome

♪ While yours just smell. ♪

Hey, I ain't beat, I ain't beat.

♪ Yo, yo, yo, yo Yo, yo

♪ D-did we invent the yo-yo? ♪

OK, what about dominoes?

That was us. All right, w-what about the compass then, yeah?

Yeah, us. Give it up, man.

♪ Word is on the street it was China versus Greece

♪ And you got beat. ♪ THEY CHEER

Right, let me do one.

♪ Yeah, it's true, you guys invented a lot of cool stuff

♪ And, yeah, beating that is going to be tough

♪ But I've got something that'll have you all shushing

♪ I'm a mighty Roman, home of the whoopee cushion. ♪

Oh!

Literally, what? What was that?

That's ridiculous, man. The whoopee cushion.

♪ Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts

♪ The ugly truth, no glam or glitz We showed you all the juicy bits

♪ Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel

♪ Stuff they don't teach you at school

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. ♪