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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,120 ♪ Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians 2 00:00:04,120 --> 00:00:07,000 ♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights 3 00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:09,880 ♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians 4 00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:12,480 ♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times 5 00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:15,560 ♪ Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless 6 00:00:15,560 --> 00:00:17,880 ♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages 7 00:00:17,880 --> 00:00:20,600 ♪ Gory stories, we do that 8 00:00:20,600 --> 00:00:23,440 ♪ And your host, a talking rat 9 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:26,080 ♪ The past is no longer a mystery 10 00:00:26,080 --> 00:00:27,520 ♪ Welcome to... 11 00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:31,680 ♪ Horrible Histories. ♪ 12 00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:34,320 Horrible Histories presents... 13 00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:40,440 The ancient history of the human race is rich 14 00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:42,800 with great civilisations. 15 00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:46,200 Entire empires and peoples who changed the world 16 00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:50,480 with their ideas, strength and scientific advances. 17 00:00:50,480 --> 00:00:54,080 But in each one, we rats were right there alongside you, 18 00:00:54,080 --> 00:00:56,400 eating your garbage and weeing in your houses. 19 00:00:56,400 --> 00:00:58,040 You're welcome. 20 00:00:58,040 --> 00:00:59,960 Yes, even at the dawn of humankind, 21 00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:03,320 when your distant cousins, the Neanderthals, were still around, 22 00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:05,960 my ancient cousin Ratto Ratto 23 00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:09,120 was there to entertain with his impressions. 24 00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:11,280 RATTO BAAS 25 00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:13,720 That impression of sheep. 26 00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:16,360 Yeah, all right, they're not that entertaining. 27 00:01:16,360 --> 00:01:18,560 Your cousins weren't any more impressive. 28 00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:23,880 New from Horrible Music, the enchanting sounds of prehistory. 29 00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:26,440 It's Neanderthal Choral Classics. 30 00:01:26,440 --> 00:01:29,880 Before instruments, before real language, before modern humans, 31 00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:32,880 there lived Neanderthals, with their beautiful voice. 32 00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:35,240 HE SCREECHES 33 00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:39,160 Relax and unwind with a selection of timeless classics - 34 00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:40,960 the golden age of rock. 35 00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:42,920 Well, rocks. 36 00:01:42,920 --> 00:01:44,080 From massive club hits, 37 00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:47,960 HE GRUNTS, SCREECHES ..to haunting romantic duets. 38 00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:50,960 Woman! Berries! 39 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:54,000 The unique shape of the Neanderthal throat, combined with their 40 00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:56,160 powerful chest and massive noses, 41 00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:58,440 creates a sound you'll never forget! 42 00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:00,120 THEY BOTH SCREECH 43 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,920 Just perfect for soothing lullabies. 44 00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:05,560 BOTH: Baby sleep, baby sleep. 45 00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:07,720 BABY CRIES 46 00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:09,560 Ahh, he's singing. 47 00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:14,640 For the first time on one compilation. 48 00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:19,600 HE SING ASCENDING NOTES OUT OF TUNE 49 00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:23,560 Neanderthal Choral Classics, 50 00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:26,320 the unique sound that will echo through the ages. 51 00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:29,640 Order today and get a free mammoth song relaxation CD. 52 00:02:29,640 --> 00:02:31,840 THUDDING Mammoth! 53 00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:34,760 THEY ALL SCREAM, MAMMOTH TRUMPETS 54 00:02:37,560 --> 00:02:39,480 Neanderthal Choral Classics. 55 00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:40,800 It's a mammoth hit. 56 00:02:41,880 --> 00:02:44,920 Those Neanderthals actually lived at the same time 57 00:02:44,920 --> 00:02:47,080 as early humans like me. 58 00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:49,600 Did you know we even invented things in the stone age 59 00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:53,120 that you still use today? 60 00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:58,280 Friends, I have an invention that is going to change the world. 61 00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:01,800 I call it the wheel. 62 00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:06,760 The whe-e-el? Wheel? 63 00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:12,600 Yeah, because WE'LL all benefit from it, so WHEEL. 64 00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:15,240 Ah, it's a working title, I'll probably change it. 65 00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:18,440 Anyway, the point is it helps you move heavy things 66 00:03:18,440 --> 00:03:20,840 with hardly any effort. 67 00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:24,880 It don't work. Ah, see, you're doing it wrong. 68 00:03:24,880 --> 00:03:26,800 So, you stand it up like this, 69 00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:31,640 hold, and then you put a stick in there 70 00:03:31,640 --> 00:03:33,880 and then it moves. 71 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:35,880 See? Clever, isn't it? 72 00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:37,800 Where do you put the turnips? 73 00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:39,200 Well, I'm coming to that. 74 00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:41,680 I'll be honest with you, I prefer my sack. 75 00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:44,760 Friends, I too have an invention. 76 00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:46,280 And it's better than yours. 77 00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:47,560 This should be good. 78 00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:49,640 Yeah, it is, actually. 79 00:03:49,640 --> 00:03:50,680 I present... 80 00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:55,960 ..the other wheel. Oh! 81 00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:58,640 Yeah! What do you mean, "Oh!" He's copied me. 82 00:03:58,640 --> 00:04:00,480 No, I haven't, cos yours is rubbish. 83 00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:03,080 You can't carry anything on that. But with mine... 84 00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:06,200 There you go. 85 00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:12,040 Nice. Two more at the other end, a bit of a platform and WE'LL benefit. 86 00:04:12,040 --> 00:04:14,640 You could get the whole family on that, but, at the same time, 87 00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:16,880 it's handy if you're just nipping out for a turnip. 88 00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:18,400 Hello, original inventor here. 89 00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:19,880 Does it come in granite? 90 00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:22,280 Fine, I am going to the next village. 91 00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:25,400 Perhaps there they will appreciate my genius. 92 00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:29,680 SHE GRUNTS 93 00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:33,360 Yeah, you know what would help you there? Yes, I know. 94 00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:36,080 Are you a caveman using moss to wipe your bum? 95 00:04:37,240 --> 00:04:39,920 Are you a Roman freshening up with a shared poo stick? 96 00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:41,280 Get out. 97 00:04:41,280 --> 00:04:43,720 Are you the Frenchman who said the best thing to wipe your bum 98 00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:45,360 with was a goose head? 99 00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:48,960 Come on, it was a joke, I use a cloth. 100 00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:50,680 Who would actually use a goose? 101 00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:52,840 GOOSE HONKS Shh. 102 00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:55,000 Then you need new toilet paper. 103 00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:57,760 What's toilet paper? 104 00:04:57,760 --> 00:04:59,840 What is a toilet? 105 00:04:59,840 --> 00:05:02,120 New toilet paper from China is soft, disposable 106 00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:03,480 and mass-produced in sheets. 107 00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:05,280 HE FARTS 108 00:05:05,280 --> 00:05:07,360 That sounds amazing. Count me in. 109 00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:08,800 What is a toilet? 110 00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:11,520 Keep your bottom clean and healthy with new toilet paper, 111 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:14,280 as used by the Chinese Emperor since 1391. 112 00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:16,800 Warning, original Chinese toilet paper, smallest size, 113 00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:18,000 one-metre squared. 114 00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:21,640 How big is the Chinese Emperor's bum? 115 00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:25,160 Onto ancient Egypt, land of the pharaohs, where rat history 116 00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:28,040 and human history once again look similar. 117 00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:30,880 You may have had mighty pharaoh Ramesses II, 118 00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:33,920 but we had Rattesses XII. 119 00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:36,600 Ramesses built entire cities and filled them 120 00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:40,320 with statues, whilst Rattesses tried to make a sculpture out of poo 121 00:05:40,320 --> 00:05:46,080 and then ate it, so maybe your pharaoh is better after all. 122 00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:49,800 But he wasn't perfect, just look at what he built. 123 00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:52,280 Welcome to Historical Grand Designs. 124 00:05:52,280 --> 00:05:54,600 Ramesses and his wife Nefertari have 125 00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:57,680 won many battles and built incredible cities and monuments, 126 00:05:57,680 --> 00:06:01,080 none more so than the one they're planning right now. 127 00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:03,600 Ramesses II, great to meet you and, eh... 128 00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:06,320 Yeah, it is great to meet me. RAMESSES LAUGHS 129 00:06:06,320 --> 00:06:09,920 Welcome, welcome to the mansion of the millions of years, 130 00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:11,840 of Usermaatre Setepenre, 131 00:06:11,840 --> 00:06:15,080 which joined with Thebes in the domain of Amun. 132 00:06:15,080 --> 00:06:17,960 We're going to call it the Ramesseum for short, my idea. 133 00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:20,240 Yes, it's real gold. 134 00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:23,280 Silly question, but where on Earth are you guys going to sleep? 135 00:06:23,280 --> 00:06:25,200 Oh, no, no, no, wrong end of the stick, big guy. 136 00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:27,680 No, we're not going to live here, I'm building this place 137 00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:29,840 so that people can worship me after I'm dead. 138 00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:33,880 Worship us. Worship us, darling. You did promise. 139 00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:37,600 And what's going to go over there? 140 00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:40,240 Yeah, I'm thinking a massive statue of me, 141 00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:43,400 with my name carved in extra deep, so that no future pharaohs 142 00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:46,440 can come along and chip it off and pretend it's them, like I do. 143 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:48,440 HE LAUGHS 144 00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:51,000 And what about over there, what's going there? 145 00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:54,400 I'm thinking another massive statue of me. 146 00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:57,320 What about over there - another massive, er, statue of you? 147 00:06:57,320 --> 00:06:59,440 No, no. A statue of me? 148 00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:01,000 Two statues of me. 149 00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:02,640 Big fellas. Whoa. 150 00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:07,040 OK, all right. 151 00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:10,800 In fact, Ramesses plans to fill the entire Ramesseum 152 00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:12,640 with statues of himself. 153 00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:17,960 I just wonder if it might be a tiny bit statue-heavy. 154 00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:24,200 Ramesses and Nefertari, it's been a lot of work, has it been worth it? 155 00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:27,440 Er, I don't know, ask the slaves. 156 00:07:27,440 --> 00:07:29,680 I'm joking, please don't speak to the slaves. 157 00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:33,880 So there you have it. What better legacy could Ramesses 158 00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:37,760 leave behind than a temple full to the brim with big... 159 00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:39,080 Headed. 160 00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:41,080 ..statues. Of me. 161 00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:44,040 HE LAUGHS 162 00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:46,880 I kind of do the sign-offs, but, you know... 163 00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:49,520 Ramesses, Ramesses. 164 00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:51,960 I've found it, Ramesses. 165 00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:53,600 Oh, hello there. 166 00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:57,640 Just looking for my husband, the great pharaoh Ramesses II. 167 00:07:57,640 --> 00:08:02,640 He's lost something very important, part of his pharaoh costume. 168 00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:05,120 Can you tell me what strange thing he wears 169 00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:07,320 to show people he's the boss? 170 00:08:09,120 --> 00:08:10,880 Is it... 171 00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:18,720 Well, the answer is... 172 00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:23,960 B, it's a bull's tail that attaches to the back of his costume 173 00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:25,800 on important occasions. 174 00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:29,560 Pin your tail on the pharaoh kind of thing. 175 00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:34,040 Hey, Ramesses, I'm coming to get you. 176 00:08:35,720 --> 00:08:39,560 HE LAUGHS You wouldn't catch Rattesses XII wearing a silly 177 00:08:39,560 --> 00:08:42,440 bull's tail to look good, no. 178 00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:45,600 Mind you, he did carry a rotten cabbage leaf on his head. 179 00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:48,320 Well, you never know when you're going to get hungry, do you? 180 00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:54,280 He was a hero, unlike my Greek ancestor, Herorattus. 181 00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:56,080 Boo. RECORD SCRATCH 182 00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:59,880 HE LAUGHS He might have had hero in his name, 183 00:08:59,880 --> 00:09:01,760 but he was a proper villain. 184 00:09:01,760 --> 00:09:05,000 Legend had it, he once ate all the cheese in ancient Athens 185 00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:07,280 and then did a doo-doo in the cheese box. 186 00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:09,840 I think there was a human villain called something similar 187 00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:11,760 who was just as unpopular. 188 00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:17,600 People of Ephesus, our city has suffered a terrible crime. 189 00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:20,560 The Temple of Artimis, one of the seven wonders of the world, 190 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:24,520 has been burned to the ground by the villain Herostratus. 191 00:09:24,520 --> 00:09:26,160 Oh, no. Oh, no. 192 00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:28,840 He committed the crime for one reason only - 193 00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:32,040 to make himself famous. 194 00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:33,160 That's typical. 195 00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:37,600 To deny him this, it is henceforth forbidden, on pain of death, 196 00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:40,400 to speak the name Herostratus. 197 00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:41,960 You just said it. 198 00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:44,400 No. No, no, no, it's not started yet. 199 00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:51,160 So the law against saying Herostratus actually starts no... 200 00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:57,200 THEY ALL SAY "HEROSTRATUS" 201 00:09:57,200 --> 00:09:58,920 ..now. 202 00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:01,440 What about writing it down? 203 00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:04,680 I mean, if you write it down it's not the same as saying Herostratus. 204 00:10:04,680 --> 00:10:07,520 THEY ALL GASP Oh! Right, he said it, arrest him. 205 00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:10,160 No, no, I didn't, I didn't. I said hero stabilisers. 206 00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:11,640 That's what I said, didn't I? 207 00:10:11,640 --> 00:10:14,320 Yeah, it's a different thing. It's made up, it's made up. 208 00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:16,960 That's good. Er, right. 209 00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:19,160 Just not Herostratus. THEY ALL GASP 210 00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:21,000 Argh! Oh, fair enough. 211 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,480 STABBING, GRUNTING Sorry I'm late, everyone. 212 00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:27,000 What have I missed? There's a new law. You can't mention... 213 00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:30,600 ..you know. No, I don't know, I've only just arrived. 214 00:10:31,720 --> 00:10:33,360 H-He... 215 00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:36,120 He who must not be named. 216 00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:37,640 Voldemort? 217 00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:40,360 Thanks very much. 218 00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:44,040 Sorry, I can't read. 219 00:10:44,040 --> 00:10:45,600 What does that say? 220 00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:47,560 Herostratus. THEY ALL GASP 221 00:10:47,560 --> 00:10:50,160 He said it! Said what? Herostratus! 222 00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:52,920 Ah! Ah! Who's Herostratus? You said it! 223 00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:55,680 Everybody's got to stop saying Herostratus! 224 00:10:55,680 --> 00:10:57,480 He's at it again! What's happened? 225 00:10:57,480 --> 00:10:59,360 Someone must have said Herostratus. 226 00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:00,960 I'm under arrest! 227 00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:04,120 He said Herostratus! Ah, I did it again! 228 00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:08,360 It wasn't all villainy and silliness, 229 00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:12,000 Ancient Greece is responsible for some incredible artistic 230 00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:15,240 masterpieces that still survive today. 231 00:11:19,640 --> 00:11:21,320 Hello, I'm Swill Gumbitz 232 00:11:21,320 --> 00:11:25,400 and welcome to a special HH News cultural report. 233 00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:29,600 Greek statues, beautiful, elegant, but where do they come from? 234 00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:31,520 I've narrowed it down to Greece. 235 00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:34,880 Which is why I've come to Ancient Greece itself to see the statues 236 00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:37,200 of the great sculpture Phidias, 237 00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:39,760 as they were originally intended to be seen. 238 00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:41,080 Their pale white... 239 00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:43,240 Oi! Stop that, you vandal. 240 00:11:43,240 --> 00:11:44,360 What, where? 241 00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:49,120 Well, Phidias's art can be enjoyed across the world, but it seems 242 00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:52,800 even his work in Ancient Greece itself is not safe from vandals. 243 00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:54,440 You, sir, are a hooligan. 244 00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:56,880 No, I'm not I'm an Athenian. No, I mean... 245 00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:58,120 Right, give me that brush. 246 00:11:58,120 --> 00:12:00,480 What-what on Earth is going on? 247 00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:02,960 This idiot is painting bright colours all over these 248 00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:05,320 beautiful statues. It'll take weeks to wash it off. 249 00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:07,480 Stop it. What are you doing? 250 00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:10,320 Greek statues are supposed to be painted. 251 00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:16,760 I don't think they are. They are. I don't think they are. They are. I don't think they are. 252 00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:19,200 I'm an Ancient Greek, trust me, I know. 253 00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:22,120 But the museums of the future are full of lovely plain white ones. 254 00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:26,040 Well, then the paint must have faded or some idiots washed it off. 255 00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:27,600 A hoolihen like you. 256 00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:29,760 Hooligan. See, he admits it. Ah. 257 00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:33,600 So if these are meant to be painted then you're, erm... 258 00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:37,880 Phidias! Can I just say what an honour it is to have met you. 259 00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:39,200 No. 260 00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:40,600 So there you have it - 261 00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:43,000 painting was in fact all the rage in Ancient Greece, 262 00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:46,520 so what better way for me to sign off than having a go myself. 263 00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:48,560 I'm Swill Gumbitz, goodbye. 264 00:12:51,880 --> 00:12:53,400 Can you tell which one's mine? 265 00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:58,440 Men of the Sacred Band of Thebes, 266 00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:03,600 we are famous across the world, armies quake at our name, 267 00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:07,920 because they know that for every man we face, they face two. 268 00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:13,840 Ho-ha! We are the only regiment in the world made up of couples. 269 00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:16,440 Ho-ha! Excuse me. Hi. 270 00:13:16,440 --> 00:13:19,000 Sorry. Sorry, everyone. We're late, carry on. 271 00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:21,200 WE weren't late, he was. Typical. 272 00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:23,160 A bit of forward planning wouldn't go amiss. 273 00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:25,560 Can we not do this now, please? 274 00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:27,880 WHISPERED: I'm sorry. 275 00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:32,600 We fight in pairs because we know that no matter what, 276 00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:38,320 when our lives are in danger our partners will be there for us. 277 00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:40,200 That'd be a nice change, wouldn't it? Oh... 278 00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:43,680 Men, on my signal, march! 279 00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:45,520 ALL: Ho-ha! Hang on. 280 00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:46,600 What? 281 00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:48,360 One second. Sorry, Malcolm. 282 00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:50,240 I really think we should talk about this now. 283 00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:52,320 I would hate for you to have this playing on your mind 284 00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:54,880 when you're supposed to be protecting me from a Spartan attack. 285 00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:56,440 Well, what if I don't want to talk now? 286 00:13:56,440 --> 00:13:58,640 What do you mean? You just wanted... You can't... 287 00:13:58,640 --> 00:14:00,760 Guys, can we please speed it up. 288 00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:03,720 I mean, we do have a battle to go to. 289 00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:05,120 I don't want to lose just because 290 00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:08,320 of some petty argument about someone being late. 291 00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:10,280 So being late isn't important, hmm? 292 00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:12,680 Two hours my mum kept that meal warm for you. 293 00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:15,480 I didn't... I didn't mean that. And please don't undermine me 294 00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:17,840 in front of my men, it's embarrassing. 295 00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:19,400 Excuse me. 296 00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:21,920 OK... I mean our men, our men. 297 00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:23,480 Oh, typical. This is so typical of you. 298 00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:25,400 Why is that typical of me? It's always the same. 299 00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:27,840 I don't think we should be doing this in front of the men. 300 00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:30,080 I don't think we should be doing it, but we are. OK... 301 00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:31,760 Look, all right, all right. 302 00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:34,000 If we all argue we will miss the battle. 303 00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:37,040 Not like you to miss something. Oh, here we go again. 304 00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:39,000 Yes, here we go again, actually. Unbelievable. 305 00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:42,280 THEY ALL ARGUE 306 00:14:44,720 --> 00:14:48,400 You see, this is why we Spartans don't allow couples in our army. 307 00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:50,320 Hey, don't push him, please. 308 00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:52,640 Shovey Sheila. 309 00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:54,280 Shall we attack? 310 00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:56,960 I'm not getting in the middle of that. 311 00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:58,640 Me and Ratalie went to war once. 312 00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:02,480 Yeah, she threw a rotten carrot at me for snoring. 313 00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:06,400 I shall treasure it as a symbol of our love forever. 314 00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:09,680 Or at least until I get hungry. HE CHUCKLES 315 00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:13,480 Now, let me introduce you to a less famous civilisation, 316 00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:16,520 the ancient Assyrian Empire in the Middle East. 317 00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:21,080 The Ancient Assyrians invented loads of things, 318 00:15:21,080 --> 00:15:24,440 including the postal service and even parking tickets. 319 00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:27,880 Which is actually kind of weird because they didn't have cars, 320 00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:30,680 not that it stopped those pesky traffic wardens. 321 00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:36,840 No, no, no, don't give me a ticket. I was only gone five minutes 322 00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:38,680 and I left me hazard candles on. 323 00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:41,520 Can't you read, sir? No. 324 00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:44,240 That is a road sign. 325 00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:45,520 I've never heard of them. 326 00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:47,040 Well, they're new. 327 00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:50,200 It says, "Royal road, let no man lessen it." 328 00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:51,640 What does that mean? 329 00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:54,240 It means the king of Assyria has designated 330 00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:58,200 the processional on the way to Nineveh as urban freeway. 331 00:15:58,200 --> 00:15:59,800 What does that mean? 332 00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:02,240 It means no parking. So why doesn't it just say that then? 333 00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:03,960 Because none of you can read. 334 00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:06,720 And also I think the "royal road, let no man lessen it," 335 00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:09,160 sounds somehow more kingly, don't you think? 336 00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:12,680 He should have just drawn a little cart with a line going through it. 337 00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:14,920 Anyway, you're going to have to get towed, sir. Uh. 338 00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:18,160 MAN BEEPS No, not my cart. I need it for work. 339 00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:19,920 It's not going to get impounded, is it? 340 00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:22,720 The cart isn't getting towed, sir, you are. Huh? 341 00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:24,800 Don't worry, you're not going to get impounded. 342 00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:26,280 Oh, good. 343 00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:27,880 You're going to get impaled. 344 00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:30,440 Yes, the punishment for parking on the royal road. 345 00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:32,080 Impaled, what do you mean? 346 00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:36,320 Does this diagram help? 347 00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:38,640 A little man with a line going through it. 348 00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:40,280 What? Oi! 349 00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:45,360 Oi, this is a no-right-turn junction 350 00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:46,880 So what? 351 00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:49,880 There's plenty of room on the stick. 352 00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:52,680 Alexander The Great was one of the most famous leaders 353 00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:57,360 of Ancient Greece, who ruled a part of it called Macedon. 354 00:16:57,360 --> 00:17:01,960 He created a huge empire when he conquered large parts of Asia 355 00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:05,200 and Africa. He was a great general 356 00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:08,960 but he rarely gets any credit for his softer side. 357 00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:14,520 Well, that's India conquered. Hail the Great Alexander. 358 00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:16,080 Hail me! 359 00:17:16,080 --> 00:17:19,480 Ah, a local dignitary. What priceless cultural treasure 360 00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:22,520 are you going to offer me to take home to Macedonia in glory? 361 00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:25,360 Erm... Ooh, well, er... 362 00:17:25,360 --> 00:17:30,040 W-we've got this. Could I...? 363 00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:35,040 What the Hades was that? 364 00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:38,360 We call it kissing. It's very important in our culture. 365 00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:42,440 By priceless I meant as in, priceless spices and jewellery, 366 00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:44,200 not some crazy person's slobbery lips 367 00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:47,080 all over my face. Urgh, it's all slimy! 368 00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:50,120 It's kissing. We think it's very nice. 369 00:17:50,120 --> 00:17:52,960 People here love it. I'm sure it's not hygienic. 370 00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:55,720 Mind you, neither is slaughtering people on the battlefield. 371 00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:59,360 It only feels gross because we're strangers. 372 00:17:59,360 --> 00:18:03,640 You're supposed to do it with the object of your love. 373 00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:07,160 Like I love my sword? 374 00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:09,080 Ow! Oh, don't do that. 375 00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:12,240 No, I mean, you do it with a person. 376 00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:16,240 A person that you love, you know, like a pretty girl. 377 00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:18,440 HE SNIGGERS 378 00:18:18,440 --> 00:18:21,440 Really? Yuck, your greatness. 379 00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:23,600 Or-or family... 380 00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:25,360 ..or even a close friend. 381 00:18:31,280 --> 00:18:36,560 So you're saying if I kissed, say, Eudemus... 382 00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:38,800 THEY CHUCKLE 383 00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:40,520 ..I'd like it. 384 00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:41,600 Perhaps. 385 00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:45,000 HE CLEARS HIS THROAT 386 00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:46,400 You good? Mm-hm. 387 00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:52,120 I did like that. 388 00:18:52,120 --> 00:18:53,520 You see? Eh, eh? 389 00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:56,880 I think this kissing thing could really catch on, actually. 390 00:18:56,880 --> 00:18:59,120 Am I getting the hang of it? Oh, yeah. Let's go again. 391 00:18:59,120 --> 00:19:00,240 No, you're all right. 392 00:19:01,520 --> 00:19:03,160 You then, pucker up. 393 00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:08,400 Oh, no, it stopped working. That was horrible. 394 00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:11,440 Work on your kissing, soldier, it's an order. 395 00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:13,040 I quite liked it, your greatness, 396 00:19:13,040 --> 00:19:15,960 I never knew kissing tasted quite so much like pickled onions. 397 00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:18,000 They do taste a bit like pickled onions. 398 00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:19,520 Really? I'm not getting that. 399 00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:24,360 HE SNIFFS Oh, wow. do excuse me. I just... 400 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:31,240 We rats have never been big on kissing, it's quite vulgar 401 00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:34,600 when compared to the more traditional bum sniff. 402 00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:36,480 Oh, yes, I'm quite the gentleman, 403 00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:40,600 just like my ancient relative Rattusius Minnimus. 404 00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:44,520 I created a rat empire that stretched from the public toilets 405 00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:48,320 in the Colosseum all the way through the sewers 406 00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:52,520 to the wee collector's house near the leather shop. 407 00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:54,240 And above, in the human world, 408 00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:57,120 was the new civilisation called Rome. 409 00:19:58,640 --> 00:20:01,640 It was one of the greatest empires of all time. 410 00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:04,200 But you might want to be careful about the food, 411 00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:07,000 as the Emperor Claudius is about to find out. 412 00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:14,280 I'm Agrippina, wife of Roman Emperor Claudius 413 00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:17,600 and mother to my darling boy, Nero. 414 00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:20,400 SMASHING, CAT SCREECHES 415 00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:25,680 Today I'm cooking a dish to die for, my dead-licious mushrooms. 416 00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:32,880 Mmm, they just need a tiny dash of my secret ingredient. 417 00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:35,880 Poison from my friend Locusta. 418 00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:40,520 Just allow them to soak up those wonderful, fatal toxins. 419 00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:43,920 Mmm, I wish you could smell it. 420 00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:45,880 Perfect for killing your husband 421 00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:48,080 so your infant son can become emperor. 422 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:49,880 When will I be Emperor, Mummy? 423 00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:51,800 Not until Daddy's had his dinner, darling. 424 00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:53,800 SHE CHUCKLES 425 00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:59,920 Now, it's absolutely essential that your husband's food taster 426 00:20:59,920 --> 00:21:01,720 is in on the plan. 427 00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:04,800 It's a tiny thing, but forget it and the whole dish 428 00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:08,480 will end up in the bin and you'll probably end up being executed. 429 00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:16,120 Wow, these smell delicious, and completely safe. 430 00:21:16,120 --> 00:21:18,960 There's nothing more rewarding than the look of enjoyment 431 00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:23,200 upon their faces, followed by the slow contorting grimace of agony 432 00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:25,240 and approaching death. 433 00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:29,160 It might take a while - I've used slow-acting poison... 434 00:21:29,160 --> 00:21:32,800 and double cream. I know, wicked. 435 00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:38,440 Finished to perfection. 436 00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:41,360 Oh, sad face. 437 00:21:41,360 --> 00:21:43,480 So there you have it, 438 00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:47,240 a delicious recipe for murder, and hardly any washing up. 439 00:21:48,920 --> 00:21:51,200 Oh, there you are, darling Nero. 440 00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:53,720 Or should I call you Emperor Nero? 441 00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:56,800 Would you like Mummy to make you some lunch? 442 00:21:56,800 --> 00:21:58,160 No. 443 00:21:58,160 --> 00:22:00,800 Then you better do exactly as Mummy says from now on. 444 00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:02,280 Mummy, you're scary. 445 00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:04,240 Yes, darling, I am. 446 00:22:05,640 --> 00:22:08,680 As Agrippina planned, Nero became Emperor of Rome 447 00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:10,800 when he was just 17. 448 00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:13,120 But Nero didn't only want to rule the empire, 449 00:22:13,120 --> 00:22:16,000 he wanted to rule the ancient Roman pop charts too. 450 00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:21,440 Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to 451 00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:24,800 the Emperor of Rome himself, Emperor Nero. 452 00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:26,240 Oh, no. 453 00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:27,440 What? 454 00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:28,920 Get out now. Really? 455 00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:30,640 Oi, sit down. 456 00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:34,200 Too late, we're locked in. 457 00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:40,440 ♪ Well I'm a Roman who likes to go roaming 458 00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:43,160 ♪ All around the world... It's not that bad. 459 00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:44,720 Oh, yeah? 460 00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:49,080 ♪ Wherever I roam Rome is my home 461 00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:52,520 ♪ All you boys and girls 462 00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:56,880 ♪ I like to sing Singing is my thing... ♪ 463 00:22:56,880 --> 00:22:58,960 What time did he come on? 464 00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:00,360 About half six. 465 00:23:00,360 --> 00:23:02,600 What time did we get here? Wednesday. 466 00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:04,360 ♪ I'd go and get my lyre 467 00:23:04,360 --> 00:23:07,360 ♪ I'd sing my song a bing a bang a bong... ♪ 468 00:23:07,360 --> 00:23:10,040 You know, I've seen him before in Greece at the Olympics. 469 00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:12,200 The Olympics, I thought that was sports. 470 00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:14,760 Yeah, until Nero turned up, decided music was a sport 471 00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:16,200 and insisted upon winning. 472 00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:18,880 Act like you're enjoying yourselves. 473 00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:23,360 ♪ La, la, la, la, la, la 474 00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:25,280 ♪ Well, I'm a Roman 475 00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:28,240 ♪ Who likes to go roaming 476 00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:31,880 ♪ All around the world 477 00:23:31,880 --> 00:23:35,680 ♪ My name is Nero I'm a singing hero 478 00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:40,160 ♪ My enemies say "dear, oh, dear" when I am near 479 00:23:40,160 --> 00:23:41,280 ♪ Oh. ♪ 480 00:23:43,160 --> 00:23:46,520 Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you. Yes, thank you. 481 00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:49,800 I'm afraid I have to leave you now. 482 00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:53,440 It's over, he's fished. Thank Jupiter. 483 00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:55,200 HE LAUGHS 484 00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:57,520 But, I hope you'll join me again... 485 00:23:57,520 --> 00:23:58,960 Fat chance. 486 00:23:58,960 --> 00:24:00,640 ..after this short interval. 487 00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:06,720 I'll get the drinks in. 488 00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:10,480 Now hang on a wee minute, if you're talking about 489 00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:13,240 important ancient civilisations and musical talent, 490 00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:16,120 you'd better be featuring us Celts. 491 00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:18,880 We made music that would make your eyes water, 492 00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:20,880 and other parts of your body too. 493 00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:25,360 Er, where do you think you're off to, young Celt? 494 00:24:25,360 --> 00:24:26,880 I'm off out to play with my axe. 495 00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:29,760 What about your music lesson? Your teacher will be here any minute. 496 00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:32,200 Oh, Ma! 497 00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:35,360 I didn't spend two weeks' peat harvest on a brand-new carnyx 498 00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:37,960 war horn for you to leave it hanging up on the hut wall. 499 00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:39,760 I hate this stupid carnyx. 500 00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:42,320 SQUEALING You'll not be saying that when you've 501 00:24:42,320 --> 00:24:45,440 led your tribe into battle against the Romans with it, wee man. 502 00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:49,000 Now then, let's hear the piece you've been working on. 503 00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:54,480 HE BLOWS AIR 504 00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:56,640 What was that supposed to be? 505 00:24:57,880 --> 00:24:59,960 This is how it's supposed to sound. 506 00:25:01,480 --> 00:25:05,120 ROARING, RUMBLING 507 00:25:08,760 --> 00:25:12,080 Oh, that was absolutely shocking. 508 00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:14,440 Cheers. You see, 509 00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:18,680 the carnyx is meant to strike fear into the heart of whoever hears it. 510 00:25:18,680 --> 00:25:19,720 Try again. 511 00:25:22,080 --> 00:25:24,800 BLOWING 512 00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:27,760 You're getting worse, well done! 513 00:25:27,760 --> 00:25:32,280 I wish my parents had made me learn when I was a bairn. 514 00:25:32,280 --> 00:25:34,640 It's never too late, you know. 515 00:25:34,640 --> 00:25:36,640 You sound quite dreadful, 516 00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:39,560 but you're still not giving me nightmares. Again. 517 00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:43,080 ROARING AND RUMBLING 518 00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:48,680 That was it! Look, your neighbours are running for the Trossachs, SCREAMING 519 00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:51,560 and your mother's ears are bleeding. 520 00:25:51,560 --> 00:25:52,640 You did that. 521 00:25:53,840 --> 00:25:57,560 ROARING AND RUMBLING 522 00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:01,400 FARTING 523 00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:03,960 You smell that, son? Eh? 524 00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:07,080 You just made me brown my breeks. 525 00:26:07,080 --> 00:26:08,680 Same time next week. 526 00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:14,720 Oh son, you've made your old ma... 527 00:26:14,720 --> 00:26:17,560 SHE FARTS ..proud. 528 00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:25,320 Oh, lovely! So, which is the greatest civilisation of all? 529 00:26:25,320 --> 00:26:27,160 It's hard to say. 530 00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:30,640 Plus, there have been so many civilisations that have risen 531 00:26:30,640 --> 00:26:34,560 and fallen, and perhaps the greatest civilisation never really 532 00:26:34,560 --> 00:26:36,320 fell at all. 533 00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:40,560 A modern version of ancient China is still with us today. 534 00:26:40,560 --> 00:26:44,240 And there are many who would argue that China was in fact the greatest, 535 00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:47,520 particularly when it comes to inventions. Mind you, 536 00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:51,000 the Ancient Greeks might have something to say about that. 537 00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:52,720 Yo, yo, it's going down right now. 538 00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:55,920 So, like, all these Ancient Greeks, right, turned up talking about, 539 00:26:55,920 --> 00:26:58,400 "Oh, we invented all this stuff, way more than you Romans. 540 00:26:58,400 --> 00:27:00,920 Right, and then the ancient Chinese guys, they turned up 541 00:27:00,920 --> 00:27:03,120 and they're like, "Oh, we invented enough stuff, 542 00:27:03,120 --> 00:27:04,720 "way more than you Greeks." 543 00:27:04,720 --> 00:27:06,560 Now, that is fighting talk, man, you get me? 544 00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:09,080 Things about to get real, real fast. It's going to be nice. 545 00:27:09,080 --> 00:27:10,800 All right, all right, I got one. 546 00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:12,920 ♪ Yo, I'm a master inventor 547 00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:14,160 ♪ The greatest in China 548 00:27:14,160 --> 00:27:16,600 ♪ Wasting my time with these Athenian whiners 549 00:27:16,600 --> 00:27:20,000 ♪ We've invented everything, from goldfish to bum wipers, 550 00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:22,600 ♪ We were inventing while Greeks were still in diapers. ♪ 551 00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:25,800 Yeah! That's all right, that's all right. Listen up. 552 00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:28,440 ♪ Democracy, geometry and even physics 553 00:27:28,440 --> 00:27:30,840 ♪ The marathon, the plate and even the Olympics 554 00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:33,400 ♪ The alarm clock, the anchor and central heating 555 00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:36,440 ♪ The only way you're going to win this is if you invented cheating. ♪ 556 00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:37,920 Oh! 557 00:27:37,920 --> 00:27:39,080 ♪ You want a list? 558 00:27:39,080 --> 00:27:40,120 ♪ We got oodles 559 00:27:40,120 --> 00:27:42,160 ♪ We invented noodles while you were doing doodles 560 00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:43,680 ♪ On the paper we invented for you. ♪ 561 00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:45,280 Oh, yeah! 562 00:27:45,280 --> 00:27:46,800 ♪ Sit down and pull up a chair 563 00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:48,840 ♪ Like my steam engine, you're full of hot air 564 00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:51,200 ♪ We invented mathematics, we even invented pie 565 00:27:51,200 --> 00:27:53,480 ♪ Oh, and by the way, your momma says hi. ♪ 566 00:27:53,480 --> 00:27:55,000 What? 567 00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:57,440 Yeah, I just saw her down the shops with your dad. 568 00:27:57,440 --> 00:27:58,600 Check it out. 569 00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:00,400 ♪ Greeks might fill pages with their books 570 00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:03,080 ♪ But we invented fishing reels for reeling in your hooks 571 00:28:03,080 --> 00:28:05,160 ♪ Acupuncture, silk, crossbows and the bell 572 00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:06,800 ♪ Our inventions are awesome 573 00:28:06,800 --> 00:28:08,320 ♪ While yours just smell. ♪ 574 00:28:08,320 --> 00:28:10,600 Hey, I ain't beat, I ain't beat. 575 00:28:10,600 --> 00:28:12,720 ♪ Yo, yo, yo, yo Yo, yo 576 00:28:12,720 --> 00:28:14,320 ♪ D-did we invent the yo-yo? ♪ 577 00:28:14,320 --> 00:28:15,920 OK, what about dominoes? 578 00:28:15,920 --> 00:28:18,400 That was us. All right, w-what about the compass then, yeah? 579 00:28:18,400 --> 00:28:20,040 Yeah, us. Give it up, man. 580 00:28:20,040 --> 00:28:22,680 ♪ Word is on the street it was China versus Greece 581 00:28:22,680 --> 00:28:25,320 ♪ And you got beat. ♪ THEY CHEER 582 00:28:25,320 --> 00:28:27,120 Right, let me do one. 583 00:28:27,120 --> 00:28:30,040 ♪ Yeah, it's true, you guys invented a lot of cool stuff 584 00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:32,640 ♪ And, yeah, beating that is going to be tough 585 00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:35,000 ♪ But I've got something that'll have you all shushing 586 00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:37,240 ♪ I'm a mighty Roman, home of the whoopee cushion. ♪ 587 00:28:37,240 --> 00:28:38,840 Oh! 588 00:28:41,440 --> 00:28:44,520 Literally, what? What was that? 589 00:28:44,520 --> 00:28:46,840 That's ridiculous, man. The whoopee cushion. 590 00:28:50,040 --> 00:28:52,880 ♪ Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts 591 00:28:52,880 --> 00:28:55,680 ♪ The ugly truth, no glam or glitz We showed you all the juicy bits 592 00:28:55,680 --> 00:28:58,240 ♪ Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel 593 00:28:58,240 --> 00:29:01,120 ♪ Stuff they don't teach you at school 594 00:29:01,120 --> 00:29:03,800 ♪ The past is no longer a mystery 595 00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:08,600 ♪ Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. ♪ 46604

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