Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians, slimy Stuarts,

♪ Vile Victorians woeful wars, ferocious fights

♪ Dingy castles, daring knights

♪ Horrors that defy description

♪ Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes

♪ Punishment from ancient times

♪ Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

♪ Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages

♪ Mean and measly Middle Ages

♪ Gory stories, we do that

♪ And your host, a talking rat

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to...

♪ Horrible Histories. ♪

Horrible Histories presents...

The toilets are overflowing, the fleas are jumping

and the Squeakend are about to play on the rat stage,

it may stink like a number two but this is the number one

historical music festival.

Organised by yours truly, yes, welcome to welcome to

Horrible Histories, Glastonsmelly.

CHEERING

We've got Scratchit, we've got

grime, by which I mean actual grime, it is filthy here.

And we've got a gangster vibe on our 1920s stage,

all the way from Chicago, he's a real smooth criminal.

Al Capone.

♪ Government, introduce, alcohol prohibition

♪ So up in Chicago, I begin a grand crime mission

♪ Stealing goods in the hood my business on the rise

♪ Illegal drink, avoid the clink, because I'm organised

♪ They said you're bad but I said, "strictly business"

♪ They claimed, you rob, but my good friends bear witness

♪ All pure with innocent names like golf bag, camel and tinsel

♪ Killer enforcer machinegun, nicer guys you couldn't hope to meet

♪ Local laws, I abide, do as told by police tribes

♪ Especially since they take my bribes

♪ Cos Al Capone gonna sell it to ya, downtown punk gonna flog it to ya

♪ Gangsta Al gonna flog you too, Saturday night and daytime too

♪ Like to buy a nice watch?

♪ Downtown threat, that's me In my debt you'll be

♪ The law didn't last cos the government lost their funk

♪ They drowned in drink

♪ But I kept my head sold milk instead,

♪ Full throttle kept me in the pink

♪ When the milk went off it made a stink, so did I

♪ And my desire, was to force them to put on a sell by date

♪ Or my friends would help them expire

♪ Tough guy scar on my face

♪ Sent to jail on an income tax case

♪ And history secures my final place

♪ As the man who bought you the sell by date

♪ Can't believe it's gone off. ♪

Ah, there's some banging beats here at Glastonsmelly,

and that's just the stone age kids, they love rock music.

Ha, get it, stone age, rock music.

Suit yourself.

Oh! Ha-ha, sorry, no autographs today, mate.

No, no, I'm Brad, Brad Simpson, you booked me today.

Oh, yeah, thank goodness you're here,

the toilet pits have been blocked for hours,

and before you ask, "Why have you got toilets? You live in a sewer."

We rats have got some standards, you know.

So dive in and sort it out before the Vikings block them again.

Yeah, no, it's just I'm with the Vamps, the band.

The Vamps? Yes, yeah.

What are they, like, Vlad the Impaler's backing band, are they?

No, no, we're, er... we're like a guitar modern band.

Oh, a guitar modern band, a guitar modern band.

Well, we're strictly historical bands only, mate.

But I'll see what I can do. In the meantime,

you happy to muck in, are ya? I can do, if you need me to, yeah.

Perfect, the muck's over there, so if you could grab a plunger,

and dive in. A plunger? Yeah, off you go.

You wouldn't get this on the McFly tour.

Right, let's check out what's on the Renaissance stage.

A total legend is about to go on, one of the biggest

headliners in history, performing his greatest hit.

Give it up for Leonardo Da Vinci, featuring Mona Lisa.

♪ Hello, it's-a-me

♪ The most famous-est painting in history

♪ Ten million see me every year, not hanging in the loo

♪ But in the Louvre here

♪ Hello, it's a me, from the other side of that you see

♪ I'm Lisa Garadini who posed for this

♪ My husband wants a portrait of his Mrs

♪ I modelled at the start then the story gets shady

♪ Under her is painted another Mona lady

♪ Is this picture me or someone like me? Is this Lisa Misa?

♪ It's a mystery

♪ Though my husband was the owner, was there another Mona?

♪ No one knows the real history

♪ Hello, it's me

♪ I'm the one they call the cold Da Vinci

♪ Not just an artist I'm a procrastinator

♪ If you don't know what that means then I will tell you later

♪ Hello, Raphael my student's going to copy this and make a sale

♪ This painting is incredibly profound

♪ Please stop those eyes following me around

♪ Her enigmatic smile a visual delight

♪ You think so? Nah, still not quite right

♪ Pictures not good enough for someone like me

♪ For 15 years those hands have been bothering me

♪ Though my legacy will last I may be great

♪ But I'm not fast

♪ And you wonder why I lived in poverty

♪ Patience, one day this great work of art

♪ Will hang in the bedroom of Bonaparte

♪ Most expensive pic of all, you better believe it

♪ People going to vandalise, forge and steal it

♪ If I wanted it back what must I bid?

♪ I'm a said to be worth one and a half billion quid

♪ What! Then I was stolen because someone liked me

♪ That was when I gained notoriety

♪ Peaceful life ends been attacked by red paint

♪ Now bullet proof glass protects me.♪

Hey, what do you think of old Leonardo Da Vinci

and the Mona Lisa there?

I thought it was very, very good, a lovely rendition.

So, er, how did you get on with unblocking the loo? Fine, yeah.

Yeah, cos I think Henry VII might be

about to block it again. You, er... you introduce the next act.

Sorry about this.

Oi, your royal trumpiness.

Time for a super scary super group made up of four of history's

most feared and ruthless war lords.

Vlad the Impaler, Attila the Hun, Genghis Khan and Shaka Zulu,

they got to number one by brutally murdering hundreds of people

so if you don't like the tune, probably best not to mention it.

Let's rock!

♪ Vlad the Impaler, Attila the Hun

♪ Genghis Khan, or Carnage to my chums

♪ Diplomacy? Was not a fan But when it comes to killing

♪ Shaka can!

♪ Smite my enemies, hence, impaler

♪ I like to have them on a stake with mint and oil

♪ I eat flesh of wolves, Atilla Hun

♪ Smashed up countries before breakfast begun

♪ We were the war lords from hell, specialised in death

♪ And pure evil

♪ The war lords of hell, found in the dictionary under evil

♪ Try to torture us, lock up your daughter-ors

♪ War lords from hell

♪ 7,000, I had to snuff

♪ Because when my mummy died they didn't cry enough

♪ On rampages through villages

♪ 60,000 killed by pillages and stone

♪ My Huns terrorise the Roman Empire

♪ I killed a million of them, oh, to expire

♪ Mongol kingdom stretched Europe to China

♪ I must have killed 40 million Could have gone higher

♪ We are the war lords from hell

♪ Killed my bro Mine tried to kill me

♪ They wish!

♪ The war lords from hell

♪ Kill my brother who wouldn't give back my fish

♪ People thought I inspired the story of Dracula

♪ Not killed by stakes through hearts, but deaths still spectacular

♪ Then while out hunting, I fell off my horse

♪ Killed by those pesky half siblings, of course

♪ Tough guy Attila, you died in a fight

♪ I died? ♪

Yes?

Nosebleed on my wedding night. You OK, hun?

It's was a really bad one, actually.

♪ We were the war lords from Hell

♪ All that's left of your town is bad tempers

♪ Welcome departs

♪ We're as bad as it got

♪ War Lords...

♪ From Hell! ♪

Hello, I am Shaka, most famous of the Zulu kings who ruled

the vast area of Africa in the 19th century.

But I have a sensitive side too.

I was a bit of a mummy's boy, more than a bit actually.

When my mother died I was really upset.

It was a perfectly normal reaction.

Who wouldn't shed a tear, who wouldn't scream in anguish,

who wouldn't make 15,000 other Zulus also scream in anguish,

who wouldn't?

Well? What else did I do because I was sad about my mummy?

Did I...?

The answer is A,

and B,

and C, it's what she would have wanted, probably, maybe.

Actually now I think about it,

it's possible I may have slightly overreacted.

Nah.

That lot laid waste to half the known world.

Do you like heavy rock, Brad?

I'm partial to a bit of heavy rock, yes.

It's a good job too, there's some stones

and debris over there that need shifting.

See, I was thinking I could play next, is that...?

Well, yeah, we'll see if we can squeeze you in after this,

because it's time for Danish solo Artist Peter Freuchen,

he nearly froze to death in Greenland

after getting trapped alone in the snow.

Well, I say alone, he did have help escaping from a little friend,

you won't believe this.

VOICEOVER: Trapped in a snow storm.

With no way out, arctic explorer Peter Freuchen will take

human engineering to the limit and beyond.

If I could just squeeze out a poo, I could make a frozen chisel

and dig my way to freedom.

It's a true story, it's a poo story, it will warm you heart

and open your bottom.

Frozen Freuchen.

♪ Let it go, let it go, can't hold it in anymore

♪ Let it go, let it go, let it curl up on the floor

♪ I've been trapped for several hours underneath all this snow

♪ And maybe it's the frostbite talking and the lack of air too

♪ Say goodbye to the cold and the ice

♪ We don't have to stay here anymore, I'm going to make a door

♪ I'm going to make a door with you, with me,

♪ With you, with poo, that's me, with poo

♪ I'm going to make a door. ♪

Can I say something crazy, will you marry me?

Can I say something even crazier? You are talking to a poo.

Frozen Freuchen, coming soon,

although I'd probably give it five minutes if I were you.

Hello there, Scott of the Antarctic here just trying to

make my way back from my trip to the South Pole.

It's taking a while because we have to drag everything ourselves,

Norwegian chap beat me to it using dogs to pull his sleds.

We used mainly ponies but they didn't work so well,

can you tell me why?

Did they...

The answer is...

B, they were attacked by killer whales, yes.

They fell into the water and were encircled by the beasts.

Terrifying.

I have to be honest, as trips go,

this expedition to the South Pole has been a bit of a disaster.

Should have gone sunbathing in Spain.

Poor captain Scott, he never did make it back from the Antarctic.

But Freuchen really did dig himself out of the snow

with a frozen poo, a frozen poo, Brad.

I bet you never thought you'd hear a rat on network television

saying that, did ya?

Now that's what I call, wait for it...

A lolliplop, a lolliplop! Ha-ha!

See, that is amazing, erm, but I'm dying to play at the moment.

Speaking of dying, these next three have saved more lives

than almost everyone else put together.

Give it up for the healing sounds of vaccinations.

♪ I'm Edward Jenner and I was told

♪ Maids who got cow pox once

♪ Never had another episode

♪ So I injected James Phipps with a strain

♪ He didn't catch small pox

♪ He was as right as rain

♪ I gave him inoculation

♪ Despite some protestation was the first vaccination

♪ Led to his rehabilitation

♪ Imagine my elation at my medical creation

♪ And so my vaccination led to experimentation

♪ By me, Louis Pasteur, if you please

♪ Thought if that works surely you can vaccinate

♪ Against all disease

♪ So I injected cholera into a hen

♪ Turns out I was right, it lived to lay eggs again

♪ I gave him immunisation

♪ It was a made up inoculation

♪ Bit like my vaccination but with a modification

♪ Turns out its application was a medical transformation

♪ It was culmination of a scientific dedication

♪ Alexander Fleming I invented penicillin

♪ Accidentally, like all the best discoveries

♪ Him and him, and me, saved more lives than anyone in history

♪ End disease that's killing with vaccinations and penicillin

♪ We gave you vaccination Penicillin and immunisation

♪ We gave you vaccination

♪ Penicillin and immunisation

♪ We gave you vaccination

♪ Penicillin and immunisation

♪ We left the world much cheerier, by dealing with bad bacteria. ♪

Wow, they were a sight for sore eyes, and sore ears,

and sore throats and sore bums.

Oh, Brad, getting into the blues.

No, this was the Celtic face painters, actually.

Look, when can I go on?

Oh, soon, Brad, soon, soon.

But remember it's an historical music festival.

Do you by any chance play the harpsichord?

No. Bone Flute? No.

Can you get a tune out of your sackbut?

I haven't tried.

Look, I'll find you a slot somehow, you go

and wait at the Victorian stage, the next act is going to be epic.

Oh, Brad, that's going to bruise.

Yeah, she's the world's most famous nurse,

the fabulous Florence Nightingale.

♪ Because, you see, it's all about this base, about this base

♪ Nobody's healed

♪ This hospital's a waste of space, worse than the battlefield

♪ It's all about this nurse, made it less worse,

♪ So we all hail the lady with the lamp

♪ Me, Florence Nightingale

♪ Don't like red painted walls

♪ That's blood, ma'am Ooh, er

♪ Probably doesn't help you've built this on a sewer

♪ Those rations good at killing our men in Crimea

♪ But not half as good as this place central station diarrhoea

♪ First I brought in some towels so when emptying their bowels

♪ Then at least their botties were clean

♪ Isn't funny

♪ Help them get off their backs

♪ Offering tasty fresh snacks in the hospital canteen

♪ Yummy, yummy

♪ Took one look at the squalor

♪ And cases of cholera, sores and dysentery

♪ Poorly tummy

♪ And then here's the surprise

♪ Bought the stolen supplies back with my own money

♪ Because, you see, it's all about this base, about this base

♪ Don't get annoyed I'll get a brand-new pillowcase

♪ Clear all trace of typhoid

♪ It's all about this nurse, fortunes reversed

♪ At the double, helping soldiers feel less worse

♪ Don't need a hearse No trouble

♪ Took my light round at night

♪ Checked the men were all right and not suffering too much pain

♪ Feeling peaky

♪ Most of all I was spying

♪ Check nurses weren't lying but doing what they were saying

♪ Pretty sneaky

♪ I ensured that the kitchen dished out good nutrition

♪ And everyone got enough Bubble and squeak in

♪ And found that out over time that the deaths did decline

♪ Turns out she sure knows her stuff

♪ Because it's all about this base, about this base, sanitation

♪ All about control of disease incubation

♪ Yes, it's all about this nurse

♪ And how she turned her abhorrence of this curse

♪ Into a cleaner universe

♪ Cheers, Florence. ♪

Hello, I'm Florence Nightingale.

MEOWING What's that?

MEOWING Certainly not.

You should have gone before we started!

MEOWING

I was well known for my love of cats, but what other pet did I have?

Was it...

The answer is...

..all three.

I also had two more owls, some chameleons,

several dogs and a parrot.

And that wasn't all.

Yes, my house was full of life

and the carpet needed regular cleaning.

CAT BREAKS WIND

Oh, can someone clear that up?

CAT MEOWS AND BREAKS WIND Oh, and that.

CAT BREAKS WIND And those, ugh!

Uh, Brad... Yeah.

Oh, Bradley.

Yes?

Braddikins. Yes!

B... There's good news and

there's bad news.

The good news is I've found you a slot.

Wicked. So, what's the bad news?

The slot is round, it stinks and it's blocked again.

The toilet?

You know what, I'm not that bothered about going on.

Make up your mind, mate.

Next to play is a superstar from America.

It's MC MLK - Martin Luther King.

Yeah, he helped get equal rights for African Americans

with a little help from his friends.

Hit it!

Ow! Not me.

MUSIC PLAYS

♪ I'm Martin Luther King

♪ And I

♪ I had a dream

♪ It's said the victory of civil rights

♪ Was brought about thanks to me

♪ But there were many, many more

♪ Who made it a reality

♪ They were the heroes

♪ Who made a dream come true

♪ A solid Christian leadership group was formed

♪ Supported by black and white

♪ Police arrested me 30 times

♪ Like that would make me give up the fight

♪ Black and white kept apart

♪ At school and even water fountains

♪ But President Johnson's bold civil right laws

♪ Helped me climb further up the mountain

♪ They were the heroes...everyday

♪ I had a dream

♪ That one day my children

♪ Will not be judged by the colour of their skin

♪ But by the content of their character

♪ When my life was ended

♪ Theirs did begin

♪ Within days of my assassination

♪ Legislation was ushered in

♪ And they were the heroes

♪ Who made the dream come true

♪ And they were the heroes

♪ Who made the dream come true. ♪

What a hero!

Hey, Brad, are you having a good time?

I'm dirty, I smell bad and the food here is awful.

Oh, no. Glastonsmelly's great, isn't it? Ha-ha!

We've had some amazing acts from all over history.

How about someone from the present? Maybe me.

Oh, I'm sorry, Brad, we're all out of time, yeah.

But we're closing this festival with some old school girl power,

from the freshest Faro in ancient Egypt.

Queen Cleopatra is coming at ya!

So I've been here all this time for nothing?

All right, all right!

Hm, I'll squeeze you in on this next one.

Cleo, oi, we've got another one for you.

Try not to poison him.

Off you go, son.

And a three, two, a three, two, one!

♪ Ugh!

♪ Oh, ugh!

♪ Ugh, oh, ugh!

♪ A voice, a beat, a melody, how music began

♪ I play this very nicely

♪ Liar Really, I can

♪ A harp, a flute and this is really funky

♪ Before that, came the Swedish horn

♪ It's cold as a brass monkey

♪ 700 BC

♪ Greek song contest, we're told

♪ In Chalcis each tune is judged

♪ Is Simon Cowell that old?

♪ We Greeks invent the organ and the musical Greece Lightning

♪ And Celts the horn of war HORNS BLOW LOUDLY

♪ That sounds pretty frightening

♪ Music, music, music

♪ Where did it all come from?

♪ Music, music, music

♪ We just love to sing along

♪ Music, music, music

♪ Creativity at its best

♪ Music, music, music

♪ I wonder what came next

BOTH CHANT: introduces Monk Rock

♪ Adding harmonies entertains the church rock

♪ Then came troubadours and courts

♪ Play the sackbut but if you've patience

♪ Apart from banning women it's a musical renaissance

♪ Vivaldi, Bach and Handel New music causes shock

♪ Can you handle these changes?

♪ Are you ready to baroque?

♪ For all what that has gone before

♪ We call that Jurassic

♪ Listen to our symphonies

♪ Each one is a classic

♪ Opera popular

♪ Romantic, not elitist

♪ Mahler, Verdi, Wagner

♪ That is not a bad list

♪ So the story told so far music's mostly fun

♪ But oh, so many ch-ch-changes gonna come

♪ Mass produced pianos really strike a chord

♪ But what's that on the phonograph?

♪ It's a record

♪ Immigrants to the US bring the music heart and soul

♪ Afro, Jews, plus jazz and blues equals rock and roll!

♪ My singing changes everything, uh-huh-huh!

♪ It's all shook up

♪ The USA led the way

♪ Until Beatles pop, ooh!

♪ Pop music explodes

♪ Too many styles to mention

♪ Rock, dance, rap and RandB

♪ Now there's only One Direction

♪ Whatever has been

♪ Whatever may appear

♪ Every piece of music

♪ Finds its way back...

♪ ..here

♪ Ugh, oh, ugh!

♪ Ugh! ♪

♪ Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts

♪ The ugly truth, no glam or glitz We showed you all the juicy bits

♪ Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel

♪ Stuff they don't teach you at school

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. ♪