Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors

♪ Gorgeous Georgians fighting Frenchmen, vile Victorians

♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

♪ Smashing Saxons, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

♪ Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

♪ Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

♪ Gory stories, we do that

♪ And your host, a talking rat

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to...

♪ Horrible Histories. ♪

Horrible Histories presents...

A dynasty is a line of people from the same family,

who rule one after the other.

For hundreds of years, a crown can be passed from foul father

to shocking son.

Or from ghastly grandparent to nasty niece.

And sometimes, at the centre of a deadly dynasty, you find

the most dangerous of them all, a monstrous mother.

I'm Agrippina, wife of Roman Emperor Claudius

and mother to my darling boy, Nero.

SMASH! CAT YOWLS

Today, I'm cooking a dish to die for,

my dead-licious mushrooms.

Mmm.

They just need a tiny dash of my secret ingredient -

poison from my friend Locusta.

Just allow them to soak up those wonderful, fatal toxins.

Mmm.

I wish you could smell it.

Perfect for killing your husband

so your infant son can become emperor.

When will I become Emperor, Mummy?

Not until Daddy's had his dinner, darling.

SHE GIGGLES

Now, it's absolutely essential that your husband's food taster

is in on the plan.

It's a tiny thing, but forget it and the whole dish

will end up in the bin,

and you'll probably end up being executed.

Wow, these smell delicious.

And completely safe.

There's nothing more rewarding than the look of enjoyment

upon their faces, followed by the slow contorting grimace of agony

and approaching death.

It might take a while.

I've used slow acting poison...and double cream.

I know - wicked.

Finished to perfection.

Oh, sad face.

So, there you have it,

a delicious recipe for murder,

and hardly any washing up.

Oh, there you are, darling Nero.

Or should I call you Emperor Nero?

Would you like Mummy to make you some lunch? No.

Then you better do exactly as Mummy says from now on.

Mummy, you're scary.

Yes, darling. I am.

Scary stuff.

Of course, I know all about great dynasties.

The Rattus family have been ruling the sewers for generations.

Here's our family tree, starting with

great, great, great, great, great, great-grandfather Ratticus Ratticus.

He had 2,315 children.

They had over five million kids.

As you can imagine, Christmas is a nightmare.

And the great Egyptian pharaoh Ramesses II

had a similar problem with his family.

Ramesses is in his late 60s.

He lives a lavish lifestyle in one of his many palaces.

Despite being supported by the state since birth.

To be fair, it is my estate, I am the pharaoh, so...

But Ramesses doesn't live alone,

he is surrounded by his 162 children.

So far. HE CHUCKLES

Welcome to...

I'm a single parent. I'm mean, I've got tonnes of wives,

but I'm the only one who's a god, so, uh,

does that count?

And this is little Amenhotep. Right?

No?

Erm, Pareherwenemef?

Err, Khaemweset?

Yeah, it can be hard remembering all the names, so, err, I've

actually come up with a system. Yeah, it's a neat little phrase

in which all of the words start with the same letter

as one of the kids' names.

Yeah, it's something like this. Um, Ramesses and Nefertari

went down to the Nile Delta...

20...cats...

..danced backwards...

on... Tuesday - no, no.

No, it's Monday.

Start again.

Ramesses and Nefertari went down to the...

I'm so proud of them all, I really am.

This guy actually fought alongside me at the Battle Of Kadesh.

He's 22.

Right? I think you might have the wrong one.

Oh, right.

It's the end of another day,

and all that's left for Dad to do is read a bedtime story.

Once upon a time, there were three green snakes.

Can't hear you at the back!

SHOUTS: Once upon a time, there were three green snakes.

Can you say that again, Daddy?

EVEN LOUDER Once up a time,

there were three green... Oh, do you know what, forget it. Uh...the end.

ALL: Awww! That's not fair! Night-night.

And now, with the year just coming up to the 13th century,

the Christmas message

from Her Majesty, Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine.

Christmas is a time for family,

and my family, the Angevin,

is very much like yours.

Well...not exactly, of course.

You are a bunch of filthy peasants

and we own half of Europe, but similar - ish.

Just as your family bicker over Christmas party games

or who should have the last slice of cake,

so, my boys,

Geoffrey, John, Henry and Richard The Lionheart

have argued with their father, over the years,

about who should get the throne of England.

Even one's royal marriage

has had it's ups and downs,

I was not happy about my husband's

endless stream of girlfriends,

and he was understandably cross

when I sided with my ex-husband,

the King of France,

in an effort to kill him.

And so, as you sit down with your families -

and if yours are anything like mine, try not to poison each other

over Christmas dinner -

have a very merry Christmas.

SLAP! Touch my pudding again

and I will end you.

Well, at least the Rattus family are all friends.

Look, I've even invited my nephew Scrappus to visit.

Tell them how well we all get along, Scrappus.

HE SQUEAKS ANGRILY

Well, that's harsh!

I've got 22,000 nephews, Scrappus!

I can't be expected to remember all your birthdays.

Certainly nothing to fall out about.

Some families even went to war.

Here's one - they were two halves of the same family,

who both founded their own dynasty.

The Yorkists, who's symbol is a white rose,

and the Lancastrians, whose symbol is a red rose.

They clashed during - yes, you've guessed it -

the Wars Of The Roses.

Things got so bad, the Lancastrian King, Henry VI,

tried something rather unusual to make everyone friends again.

He called it Love Day!

And welcome to this lovely occasion, Love Day, 1458.

Yes, led by Queen Margaret,

members of the English royal family process into St Paul's Cathedral.

Oh, little stumble there, nerves obviously playing their part!

The Yorkists in their white ribbons,

and the Lancastrians in their red.

Oh, little shove there from Queen Margaret on the Earl of Warwick.

Yes, bit of regal horse play, but I'm sure all in the spirit

of peace and harmony,

and we now just await Queen Margaret's husband, King Henry VI.

Oh, yes, and there he is.

CLAPPING Ok, great stuff, guys!

Great stuff, that's lovely. Let's all just simmer down.

So, the aim today is to get you Lankies - big up! -

and you Yorkies - respect! -

together in one room, just feeling the love,

one big happy family.

So, all you have to do, just lean over to the person next to you

and just hold hands, yeah?

Great, a King's gone mad again.

Yeah, thinking of getting the Duke of York to take over, anyway.

You and whose army?!

Well, me...and my army.

IMITATING HIM Me and my army! Mine!

No, no, no, no! And the rival side's getting along swimmingly.

Yes, how wonderful it is to see these noble families back together,

after three years of bloody fighting.

Whoa! Guys, guys!

Hey! Let's remember what today's called.

Love Day!

It's not Fight Day, is it?

It's not Grab Someone In A Headlock And Beat Them With A...

What's that? It's a spoon.

..Spoon Day.

Today is all about love.

So, whatever's happened in the past,

we just need to forget about that and hold hands.

It's hard to hold hands with the man who's killed your dad. And mine!

Ok, but the important thing is that they've said they are really sorry.

No, actually, they haven't. Well, we're not.

How about I make you sorry?

Over my dead body! Oh, you said it, pal!

Look, guys!

They're in high spirits indeed on this, uh, wonderful day...

GUYS!

Can we all, for one day,

just hold hands?!

Let's not have a repeat of Christmas.

SHE GROANS

Right? Right, now you two gents, come on.

There you go. How hard was that?

Come on, we haven't got all day.

And you ladies.

And there we have it. As they make their way out of the Cathedral,

it's amazing to see the spirit of friendship and togetherness.

Well, that actually went better than I thought it would.

The Yorkists and the Lancastrians fought for over 30 years,

until finally the war was won,

by a branch of the Lancaster side

called the Tudors.

But things were almost as complicated for them, and it all

started when the Tudor king, Henry VIII,

had a daughter called Mary.

Hey, Catholic crew!

Mary here!

Hashtag Daddy's little princess!

No, totally, because Daddy is Henry VIII

and I'm the only surviving child, so,

going to be Queen one day!

Hello!

Dad, you're so embarrassing! Sorry, darling...

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY Ooh!

SHE GROANS

Ok, so Henry VIII - Dad -

is saying that his marriage to my mum, Catherine of Aragon,

doesn't count because she used to be married to his dead brother

and he's only just realised that, like, 18 years later, so

now he's talking to the Pope about having it cancelled or something.

He just wants a boy to be king after he dies.

Hashtag hurry up and actually die.

He's started his own church and dumped my mum, and now his

new queen, Anne Boleyn, is having a baby.

It so totally better not be a boy.

ANGRILY It's another girl! Yes!

Still heir to the throne!

No, Elizabeth is.

I made the new baby heir.

Now do you homework! I've done it!

Well, do it again!

It's so unfair!

Hello!

Henry the... HE BURPS

..VIII, here.

Just having a little... HE BELCHES

..snack. I always get a bit peckish between breakfast and elevenses.

Did you know I was the first English monarch to try...

Well, what do you think?

Was it:

The answer is

A, a coconut!

Amazing things, coconuts.

Milk in the middle and lovely flesh on the outside,

and you can use what's left to wear something at the beach!

Hi, Rome fans!

it's been a while, so,

Dad had Anne Boleyn's head chopped off!

Hashtag ouch!

OK, question -

is it mean if that made me a tiny little bit happy?

Snap me back.

I don't believe it!

Dad's latest wife, Jane Seymour,

has had a baby boy, Edward,

so, now, neither Elizabeth nor I

can become Queen.

Hashtag so not fair!

Hey, Protestant posse!

It's me, Edward - current rightful heir etcs.

I'm here with my big half sis, Lady Elizabeth!

Sup! Yeah, so, cool, listen,

we've got some super swag news,

and some super sad news.

Dad's dead! Elizabeth!

I was going to say that! Edward's going to be King!

Argh! Could you...!

Right, yes! King Edward, OK?!

Kedward! I'm going to be King for ages!

Kedward's dead!

Hashtag boo-hoo again!

Queen at last!

Bad news, massive awks between me and Lizzybeth,

so-o-o, had her locked in the Tower of London,

just to be on the safe side.

We're still totally besties, though, obvs. Kinda.

Hashtag queen forever!

Guess what?

Mary died! Boo hoo!

So now I'm Queen.

Let's get this party started!

Hashtag this is the Lord's doing and it is marvellous in our eyes.

So long, sister, it's Lizzybeth time!

Elizabeth became a great queen,

and the last monarch of the famous Tudor dynasty.

People still talk about it today.

Hmm, I wonder what people will say about me in the future.

SQUEAKING

They will NOT say I was a bighead who smelled like a dog toilet!

HE LAUGHS

22,000 nephews and I had to invite him.

I could have invited...what's his name?

Ratrick.

Ratthew?

Borat? Cor, it's not easy to remember them all!

I wish they all had the same name, like this next famous family,

the Habsburgs,

who ruled in Austria for centuries.

HE SQUEAKS

Hmm? Talk to the hand.

Empress Maria Theresa,

the King humbly accepts your proposal.

Oh! The King of France wants my daughter Maria

to marry his grandson!

Oh, Maria! You will be the queen of France!

Hurray!

But I am already married.

Not YOUR Maria Christina, I meant the other Maria!

Mamma, you totally already married me off to the Duke of Palma.

Yeah, I know, Maria Amalia,

I meant the other Maria. Where is she? Maria?

Yes, Mamma? Yes, Mamma? Yes, Mamma?

Uh... SHE MURMURS

You will be the queen of France,

Maria... Carolina!

Maria Carolina who is married to the King of Naples,

and lives in Naples?

Because you are totally pointing at Maria Anna.

Exactly, I meant Maria... Elisabeth!

Maria Elisabeth the nun?

Yes, Mamma? I...no.

Mamma, do you ever think maybe you shouldn't have named

all seven of us Maria?

Maria's a perfectly good name.

Yah - once.

I know, it's the other Maria... Ah, the dippy one!

The one who's always asking me to let her eat cake!

Oh, Maria Antoinette!

Yes, finally, thank you! Maria Antoinette!

You will be the queen of France,

and you will give me a granddaughter who you will name...

Maria?

That's got a nice ring to it.

You think dealing with normal brothers

and sisters can be annoying, imagine being part of a dynasty.

Napoleon had conquered most of Europe, he was Emperor of France

and he was well on his way to starting his own dynasty,

but dealing with his siblings could be trickiest task of all.

SHOUTING OUTSIDE EXPLOSION

Napoleon!

Ah, there you are, brother!

What are you doing here? It's not safe here!

Oh, don't be silly! I wouldn't let a few grumpy Prussians

get in the way of me visiting my big brother!

EXPLOSIONS CONTINUE How much do you need?

What are you talking about? Pauline, how much money do you need?

Well, it's...not that much, actually.

I just saw this darling hat

and it would look so wonderful with my...

EXPLOSION

Pauline, spit it out! I have got a lot on my plate!

200,000 francs.

2...00,000 francs? For a hat? Mm.

What is it made out of, angel farts?

Fine, fine. Look, I will write you a cheque.

2...00.

I can't believe it, 200,000 francs, there you go. Ok!

Now go, allez! Thank you very much!

Have a lovely war. Thank you very much, yes.

I hope you win! Thank you, Pauline!

BANG! Argh...

Salut, brother of mine!

Fancy seeing you here!

I need some more money!

I just gave you 200,000 francs, Pauline.

I know, but then I saw this gorgeous house

and I just couldn't not buy it,

but it needs a bit of work, you know, give it the wow factor.

Fine, fine. Fine, Pauline,

I will make our brothers the king of Naples,

the King of Holland, the King of Westphalia, and you,

Pauline, yes, you, I will make the Duchess of Guastalla.

You will have money, food, a roof above your head,

you will want for nothing. Ooh!

Duchess Pauline.

Duchess Pauline!

I like it! Merci bien.

You know you are my favourite brother.

BOOM!

Hiya! What Pauline, what?

Well, good news and bad news, really. The good news is I sold

Guastalla for 6 million francs!

EXPLOSION SCREAMING OUTSIDE

What? Yeah, I know. Kerching! Make it rain!

The bad news is... I spent it.

You absolute idiot, Pauline!

EXPLOSION SCREAMING OUTSIDE

Argh! Pauline!

Pauline, please wake up!

Pauline, are you all right?!

Oh, wake up, I'll do anything, anything, Pauline!

OK, so I need 10,000 francs for a new hat, another 10

for some new shoes - these are SO 1805 -

and, uh, 10 more for just in case-ies?

Napoleon really did all that for his family,

but his dynasty would only last for 70 years.

The Romanovs were much more successful, ruling in Russia

for 300 years. Although, they had their ups and downs, too.

Like when the disastrous Tsar Peter III took to the throne.

He faced a threat from the most unlikely of places - his own wife.

No, niet.

Go, go, go!

Sshh!

No wait! Don't shoot!

It's my wife. Ah, Peter, my darling husband.

Where else would I find the most powerful man in Russia

but playing with his toys, instead of,

I don't know, maybe running the country, like a proper leader.

Have you come to play soldiers, too?

Yes. Yes, actually, I have.

Let's play a new game called Royal Takeover!

Oh, great! But, uh...

I think you should wear your armour, too!

I'm serious. Sure, no problem.

This is a coup.

I am seizing power!

Guys, you're meant to be in now. We've been through this.

Oh, wow, you look great!

Wow! And you bought fancy dress soldiers, as well!

You shouldn't have!

Oh!

Oh, and the muskets look so real!

Mm! So real!

So, my darling, your people

don't want you as Tsar anymore,

so I am taking over as...

Fire!

Much as this is a really, really fun game,

the soldiers need to get home in time for tea,

so can we speed things along a bit, yeah? OK, OK.

But first I want to do my death scene.

N-..no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Not here.

Bang. Oh, no!

What are the chances?!

Oh-h-h! You got me!

Eurgh, blood!

Oh! Don't bother with the stretcher, boys.

This stony wasteland will be my death bed.

HE GROANS

Fight on, lads,

fight on.

HE GROANS

You finished? Yes.

Get him up and cuff him.

Now, my darling, you get to go to the actual, real dungeons!

No, the real, actual dungeons! How cool!

All hail Catherine The Great.

Make sure he doesn't have...

an accident!

Now, do the "all hail" thing again.

All hail Catherine The Great!

I love it.

It isn't just royal families who can claim to be dynasties.

There are sporting dynasties, acting dynasties,

there are even science dynasties.

Ok, Henry, my family can come on a bit strong, so just, uh,

try not to feel intimidated.

Oh. Why would I feel intimidated?

It's this thing called the Nobel Prize,

it's kind of like an award for science, like a gold medal.

They might possibly mention it.

Pierre Curie, my Nobel Prize-winning husband! It's tea time!

Coming, Marie Curie, my two-time Nobel Prize-winning wife!

Just, possibly.

Will our Nobel Prize-winning daughter be joining us?

No, it's the other one. Here already, actually, guys.

How have you been? Won any, uh...?

No, Mum, I haven't won a Nobel Prize since the last time you saw me.

It's really quite difficult, actually. Really?

Oh. I have two, your father has one,

your sister Irene has one.

Even Irene's husband Frederic has one!

Oh, there it is!

They do get everywhere, don't they?

The thing is, you're scientists, aren't you?

And I'm a writer and pianist.

Well, the thing is there's a Nobel Prize for Literature.

I haven't got one, ok?

Ooh, Nobel Prize for touchiness!

Good morning, I hope you don't mind us turning up unannounced.

Oh, no. Hello, sis! Hello, Frederic!

Won any Nobel Prizes recently?

My Nobel Prize-winning daughter and her Nobel Prize-winning husband!

Hello, my two-time Nobel Prize-winning mother,

my Nobel Prize-winning father and my sister.

Look, I've brought Henry to meet you! We're getting married!

And no, before you ask, he hasn't won a Nobel Prize either, ok?

But I like him. He's normal, like me.

Actually, I have won a Nobel Peace Prize.

ALL: Ooh! Very good one! Well done!

You are kidding me? Sorry.

So, we've all got one!

Yes! Well, nearly all.

Welcome to the fold!

Trying to eat a Nobel Prize, is this one!

THEY LAUGH

Hello, there! Just looking at some photos of my children.

Isn't it nice when they grow up and start ruling countries of their own?

Mind you, once you've got your own armies, family tiffs can get quite

out of hand, and my children are not always terribly well-behaved.

Tell me, what did I name after my daughter Alice,

when she upset me? Was it:

The answer was C, a cow.

Yes, I named a cow after her.

COW MOOING

Oh! They even sound the same!

My grandchildren could also be very badly-behaved.

When they grew up, they became the King of Great Britain

and the German Kaiser,

and even fought a war against each other,

which put my grandson King George V

in a rather tricky position.

Signed, "George...the..."

Fifth, sir. The fifth! I knew that.

"George V". All done.

What's for sup-sups?

There is just one more piece of business, your majesty.

Well, spit it out, man.

It has been suggested that perhaps the royal family

might...change it's surname.

Why? What's wrong with "V"?

Your surname is not "V", Sir.

Really? Well, what is, then?

Your surname is Saxe-Coburg-Gotha.

Good grief. It's a bit German.

Exactly, sir, and what with the First World War,

and so on and so forth,

we wondered if you had any suggestions.

Yes! Yes, of course I do. Plenty of suggestions.

Erm... George...

..Pen.

No? Um, well, then...

George Cushion...ton.

George Big Ears! Ha-ha. Sorry.

George Window!

Um...

George Bush! No, that's just silly.

Sir, perhaps your surname should be something that says British.

George British? Not sure I like that.

Not that literally says "British", sir,

but something that reminds people of Britain.

Yeah, I knew that's what you meant. Erm...

George Chutney, then.

George... Queuing?

Perhaps, sir, your surname should be something that you really like.

George Mummy. I love my mummy.

Eh, not sure. Perhaps a British location.

Oh, I like that one. Um...

George London Zoo-The Butterfly Enclosure.

No, no, no. No, sir, your surname should be something grand,

proud, historic, like...this castle.

Actually, that's not a bad idea.

George This Castle.

Windsor, sir, George Windsor.

Oh, that's a bit dull, isn't it?

Exactly, what could be more British?

Our Queen is the granddaughter of George V,

and her son, Prince Charles, his son, William,

and William's son, George,

all stand to be rulers of the Windsor dynasty themselves one day.

Yes, family is certainly important,

and that's why Scrappus and I have made friends again.

SCRAPPUS SQUEAKS What's that, Scrappus?

This slice of cake is for me?

Oh, Scrappus, I'm touched!

HE SNIFFS

Wait a minute. Those don't smell like raisins to me.

Pwargh! SCRAPPUS LAUGHS

Well, it looks like the great Rattus dynasty is just as much

trouble as the Angevins, the Yorkists, the Tudors,

the Pharaohs and the Bonapartes.

You know what? Perhaps the greatest dynasties of all

can be found in China.

Names like The Tang,

and the Ming Dynasties, whose achievements

we still hear about today.

But it all started with one man, the first emperor of China.

Take it away!

Yeah, take it away, I'm not going to eat it.

♪ Founded the imperial state

♪ China to you mate

♪ Yeah yeah

♪ Seven regions had ruled so long

♪ Three dynasties some nasty

♪ Seven warring factions need stamina

♪ With my army just one winner

♪ Do you see me?

♪ Do you think I'm pretty...

♪ good at defeating rival tribes

♪ And I say yes we're the mighty Qin

♪ Oh I think I am first-ever Chinese leader

♪ Country has found itself a top geezer

♪ There has never been such a family succeeder

♪ I'm the greatest leader All agreed? Yeah

♪ First I plea for unity

♪ So long as you agree with me

♪ More bureaucracy

♪ Oh yeah

♪ Ordered writing currency weight

♪ Built first Wall Of China, great

♪ Confucius banned too confuc-ing

♪ Books not for learning but burning

♪ Oh don't think I'm a popular Chinese leader

♪ Such swift popularity receder

♪ Oh I had to fight against each single plotter

♪ Got an army made of terracotta

♪ Three attempts to kill me

♪ Not even ill me

♪ I'll live for eternity

♪ Oh yeah

♪ Because I hold the key to immortality

♪ Drink lots of mercury... ♪

HE COUGHS

♪ Oh still think I was the greatest Chinese leader

♪ The Quin family rule was short but sweeter

♪ Tang Ming Song and the rest

♪ May have ruled for longer

♪ But look at me

♪ They don't come much stronger... ♪

Umm, maybe I shouldn't have taken that mercury!

Cut! I saw your hand, creeping in! LAUGHTER

Um...

Hewin!

George Windsor! No! That's the real one...

LAUGHTER

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. ♪