Original subtitles

Let's go, people! Letters are fading. Larry, we have five seconds.

- How's the placement of the letters? - Fine. Did you keep that in shot?

OK, Hal. Where's Hal?

I can hold it for a few more seconds...

Can we get first team on set? The letters are fading.

Come on, guys, we gotta go. She looks great.

Come on. Please, please.

Quick review, Nicole. You get out of the car, run up past the sculpture,

you see the skywriting says, "Help",

and you realise everything has gone wrong and you can't believe it.

But everything's chaos now, so what I need you to project is despair.

- I need... - We're losing it.

OK. So, what I need from you, I wanna feel the whole human condition.

Lock it up!

Yo, yo! Yo!

- Could you stop for five minutes? - What's that say, "Help"?

- Roll camera! - Camera's rolling!

- Speed! - A little higher.

Scene 121, take one. Mark!

And action!

Faster, faster, faster.

You're moving like a zombie. Come on! Yes, OK, hit the mark. Look up.

Come on, come on, and... Good.

Cut! We cut! Thank you, everyone.

Thank you so much, that was amazing.

Your body language, it's just emotional, everything you do.

Now I know why you get the big bucks, cos you make me look so great!

I have Camp David here. It's about the ring.

Mary, you're on with Nicole.

Hello?

- Sorry to bug you on the phone... - Should I sign the thing?

- My voucher? - Sure. Daniel, can we get a voucher?

- Did they get the shot? - Yeah.

Wardrobe, right? This is our wardrobe?

Where do I know you from? I know you, right? I mean...

Thanks.

Chippers, in Soho. I waited on you.

Well, what a great memory. That was, like, a couple of months ago.

But I remember the face for sure, and...

- And you're an actress. - I'm an extra. A face in the crowd.

I'm gonna get my sweatshirt.

So, er, when do you get off work?

Was that gorgeous black girl you came with that night your girlfriend?

That was a guy in drag. What are you talking about?

- Whatever it was, it was beautiful. - I was interviewing.

I did a piece on transvestites, which is why you saw my girlfriend.

Well, in answer to your question,

if you're ever in the neighbourhood, I get off around midnight.

Oh, you need a...

- Excuse me, can I borrow... - Yeah, sure.

Tell me how close I am.

You are from rich parents, you're seeing a shrink,

and you're dyslexic, right?

Thanks.

- Well... That was good. - I try.

My father's wealthy, I am seeing a shrink,

and I'm an insomniac, so you're in the ballpark.

When you waited on us, you had this amazing look.

I thought, "Boy, trouble for somebody!"

I think I dreamt about you. Really, I remember your face. Who wouldn't?

Do me a favour, sign your voucher.

- Thanks. - Thanks.

- Lee! - Excuse me.

Over here.

Sandy, you send those truffles to the president.

Seven o'clock, tomorrow morning, in the park. Thank you.

- Nicole, here he is. - I'm sorry.

- Are you ready for our t�te-�-t�te? - Yes, I have everything at hand.

- Bill Gaines. Nicole's press agent. - Oh, great.

Look, if you could, let's not dwell on the bulimia.

Really, this is about lots of things.

You promised you'd show me where you grew up.

I did.

- It's great that we can do this. - It is great.

It's so kind of you to show me.

A lot of people get kind of nervous about this stuff.

Hello?

Hello, I'm sorry to disturb you. This lady used to live here.

As a child.

She's Nicole Oliver, she's a great actress.

- What do you want? - He's writing an article about me,

and I wanted to show him where I used to live.

Like, for five minutes. It would be great for the magazine.

- Come in and look around. - Thank you, this is great.

- Look at how tiny her feet are. - Yeah.

This is where it began. Did you have feet like that when you were here?

This is... I guess... strange for you, I guess?

It's changed, I think.

- I hope it's changed. - It feels like it's smaller.

Smaller? That often happens.

How long have you lived here?

Never mind. Do you think we could go upstairs?

- That'd be great. - Whatever you want.

- Is that OK? - I don't care.

- Great. Thank you, thank you. - Thank you.

I had this whole wall here plastered with movie star photos.

- Really? - Yeah.

And I would dream about being in a movie with Warren Beatty.

- Nice dream. - Yeah.

And I remember I used to lay on my bed naked, and watch my body develop.

- Naked. - And I would pray...

that my breasts and my legs would be beautiful,

so that I could be an actress.

You cut a very erotic figure reclining like that, I have to say.

Well, fortunately I did mature quickly.

I remember my brothers used to spy on me when I was taking a shower,

or they would rub themselves up against me.

I empathise with them, totally. Really.

Please.

- No? - No. Married.

- Happily? - Very.

OK.

I'm not saying that we don't have to work at it.

You have to work at it if you want fidelity in your relationship.

Have you ever given way to unbridled lust in this room

and really let yourself go in a big way?

I can't sleep with you.

You can't sleep with me. I know that.

Understand that I had to...

The proximity is thrilling and irresistible.

I'm not saying that I don't find you attractive.

- You're very kind. - I find you very attractive.

There are certain things that I won't do to my husband out of commitment.

I hear you.

I could never have intercourse with anyone other than Phil.

My body belongs to my husband.

I understand, and I...

What I do from the neck up, that's a different story.

So, after your nomination you formed a production company, right?

Right. You have to develop your own projects.

You cannot imagine the amount of crap that I get sent.

- Plus, I would like to direct. - Really?

I don't wanna be pushy, but I have a screenplay which I've written

and it occurred to me today that it might be perfect for you.

- Yeah? - Really.

Right now it's a vehicle for a man,

but it could so easily be rewritten for a woman.

- What's it about? - It's an armoured car robbery,

but with a very strong personal crisis.

- Who would I play? - You'd be a guard on the car.

It needs a rewrite, but there's room for a real feminist statement.

I know you're very active politically.

I think it could work so well. I've been working on it for a year

and I can't make any real progress unless a star is involved,

and someone like you, it would be...

- Have you given it to any actors? - Yeah, but their agents turn it down

because I have no track record as a screenwriter,

although the script has had a terrific reaction from people.

- Let me think about it. - Really?

Great, cos I wanna be... I think you'd enjoy it.

- No, no, no. Let me think about it. - Sure.

He's coming! Come this way, everybody! Come this way, everybody!

- It's him! Come on! - Oh, my gosh!

We watch you every Sunday on TV!

- We wouldn't miss it for the world! - Good to see you.

- Are you gonna stay here long? - As long as I can, yes.

Father Gladden is our special guest, direct from TV.

My daughter just got a prize at school for her charity work.

- She'd love an autograph from you. - Entrance into the kingdom of God

is determined by our response to the neighbour in need.

- I don't know what I'm doing here. - Relax!

I was exactly that way at first.

Yeah, but my room is so spare. You know, with a Bible?

- And the water is brown. - I told the handyman.

I know what you're going through!

When my husband left me for his secretary, I was lost.

Someone said, "You were raised a Catholic,

"how could you even contemplate a hit man?"

- They told me about this retreat. - I'm not religious.

You think I led a religious life?

I've had two divorces and two abortions.

But just to take a break from the chaos of the city to reflect.

No, no. I mean, the water comes out brown in my room.

And the bed, it's so hard.

You've had a trauma. Psychotherapy hasn't helped, pills haven't helped.

What you need is time and quiet. Your emotions have to settle.

Thought of going back to teaching. Completely lost my taste for it.

Simplify.

Who would you say is more popular - the Pope or Elvis Presley?

I don't think there's any doubt. Elvis, you think?

Did you agree with The Beatles at the height of their fame

that they were bigger stars than Jesus?

- World population was less then... - May I have your autograph?

The food is the worst. What is this?

I don't know. Shoe leather?

- You don't have to eat it. - I asked for it rare.

- I know, but you don't like meat. - I specifically said rare.

I told them twice. I said, "Not overdone".

We're not here to enjoy ourselves.

- Eat it anyway. Eat something else. - No.

- The macaroni and cheese is good. - Would you like my piece? It's rare.

Well, that's very nice of you. Are you sure?

- Sure. - OK.

See, I can't eat steak that's not rare.

Oh, doesn't that look nice?

It started out as a hobby,

but I get so many requests I can't turn 'em out quick enough.

They're all genuine ceramic,

and we got this rubber bulb here.

You squeeze this, wash it with some washable red vegetable dye,

give it a squeeze, you can make his wounds bleed. Watch.

Isn't that somethin'?

- Do you like the country? - Yes, very much.

I was brought up in a Catholic school,

so I have moments of nostalgia.

Well, sure. Let your soul wander,

and if the miracles of nature

should lead to intimations of something larger...

Just try and have an open heart.

OK. There wouldn't be any ticks around here, would there?

- I'd hate to get Lyme disease. - We've had no casualties so far.

- Oh, good. - Would you excuse me?

Yes. Bye.

What do you mean, a divorce?

- Divorce... Try and understand. - Why?

It's not you, it's me, I have to...

- Pull the car over. - Robin, we should...

Pull the fucking car over!

Jesus! Will you just calm down?

Robin, wait! Robin!

Robin, where are you going? That's not safe! Robin!

Robin, come on, are you crazy? This is dangerous. We can't talk here.

You met someone else?

- I knew you'd think that. - You have. You're lying.

I haven't.

Then why? After 16 fine years? Why now a divorce?

It's me. I'm confused. I wanna go in a different direction.

- If you're confused, see a doctor. - I've done that!

Oh, that's news! What other surprises have you got in store for me?

This was not an easy decision.

You've met someone! Nobody just ups and goes.

You know, we got married so young, there was no time for living!

- Change for what? - All we know is each other!

So who else do you wanna explore? Allison?

Why Allison?

Your hands were touching in the station wagon.

- I don't believe this! - You didn't pull yours away!

- You're having an affair! - Not an affair! I just...

- Well, you slept with her. - That's why I want a divorce.

- To marry Allison? - No! Because I can't be dishonest

and I have been, I don't wanna do it.

- Who else? - Nobody else!

OK. Lee, tell me.

Now that we're clearing the air, I won't get angry.

Lee, come on.

Let's just... Let's just clear the air.

I won't get angry.

- Aren't you cold? - We're clearing the air.

I'm not gonna get angry.

Sheila...

Sheila? Sheila?!

Oh, you lowlife motherfucker!

- That's my best friend! - I can't talk to you!

It's not about women, it's about my life that I'm depressed.

- Your life with me. - I hate my work, the travel pieces.

I tried to bring this up with you but you're so high strung.

We can't talk! It's over, you know? I'm not happy!

I'm not happy!

Robin? Robin, are you OK?

Robin. Robin, are you OK?

No. But I will be.

Were you conscious of wanting to shock people?

It's one of my best collections. I'm really pleased the way it turned out.

I'm so glad you could make it.

- Let's talk next week. - It was an inspired idea.

I had no idea that they use runways.

Hell of a job. Take care. Nice seeing you.

I love the skyline, it enhances my collection.

It's such a fantastic backdrop for what you're trying to achieve.

It would be great to talk more about this.

Come next week, we'll have lunch and I'll show you my operation.

- Do you mind if we talk now? - Sure, no problem. OK.

Hey. Nice car.

Thank... I... Would you wanna drive it? Because it's a terrific...

- It's yours? - What am I, a car thief?

It's an Aston Martin. You're so welcome, because it's...

You're wearing a wig! Which is, er...

- Camouflage. - Really?

- Give me the keys. - Thank you.

You look much longer-haired.

You got enough room?

OK.

Not too fast, because the steering's a little, er...

- It's like flying a plane. - It's a 1967 Aston Martin.

It cost a small fortune, then I had them put the wheel on the left.

Do you wanna go for a drink?

Oh! I promised a friend that I would go to his opening.

Wait, do you know the painter Bruce Bishop?

- I've seen his work. - He's a genius!

- Really? - We'll go to the party...

- Yeah? - Then we'll have a drink afterwards.

- Really? Great! - OK.

Great.

Oscar gets this commission to do this clocktower in the shopping mall,

and what does he propose?

An eight-storey penis! I'm not kidding.

These are gorgeous. Congratulations.

- An eight-storey penis? - This little town in Kansas...

Farmers driving their families to church past this giant erection.

Oh, look. Darling!

- How are you? - Thank you so much for coming.

- It's a pleasure. - I'm in trouble.

Congratulations. Lee Simons. This is amazing.

They don't get it. The more I think about it, the worse it is.

Either you get my work or you don't,

but don't buy my fucking paintings to be "in".

Yes!

Buy them only if you have to have a Bruce Bishop. It's all image.

- It's... 100 per cent. - Bruce, calm down.

- No, but he's right. - Bruce, calm down.

- We should go, because... - Are you a Libran?

- I'm a Sagittarius. - That's why you're so impatient.

I'm so attracted to Sagittarians, but they're so impatient.

Excuse me, would you sign this?

- I use your exercise tape. - You do?

- So do I. - But I exercise to it.

- I can see that, you look lovely. - We should probably just, you know.

- We should get away and have some... - You really wanna do that?

...quiet time.

- How are you? - You look gorgeous!

- But these people are just insane. - Completely.

So who did you see?

I'm gonna get my drink. I'll be right back.

You're so quiet.

I... I was just thinking.

You are the most beautiful creature I've ever seen.

I mean, every curve in your body fulfils its promise.

If the universe has any meaning at all, I'm looking at it.

- You're so sweet. - You're perfect.

Do you have any flaws?

I'm agog with...

- Physically? - Any way. To me, you're a miracle.

I don't usually drool in my date's salad, I'm not usually like this.

Well, I'm polymorphously perverse.

It's not a flaw. It's just a weakness.

Polymorphously perverse meaning?

Meaning every part of my body is... well, gives me sexual pleasure.

Meaning?

Meaning every part of me gives me erotic pleasure.

And how sensitive does that make you?

Well, if you touch my thighs, my hands, my neck, my kneecaps, I...

I'm orgasmic.

Where did you learn this?

It's Dionysian.

A Greek taught it to me. Now I can't get rid of it.

It's not a flaw, just a weakness.

So, you know, if I... See if I can get this right.

If I touch your hand, I take it, I just stroke it, I would...

Stroke it like this and you, er...

Oh, my God. OK, we should get outta here.

I'll get the check, I'll just get the coat and we can take your, uh...

Come on, we're gonna go dancing.

- Dancing? That's great! - I can't dance.

- We'll dance! - I can't.

- Everybody can dance! Let's dance. - Yeah, I'll get the check.

Oh, God, I know I've made a lot of blasphemous remarks and atheist jokes

but that was just her hand!

- Shit! - What is it? What is it?

I need echinacea right away.

What is echinacea?

You take it at the first sign of a cold.

Well, why don't we go and find some? Let's leave!

It's too late for a health store to be open.

- I know an all-night drugstore. - They won't have it.

I have none at home. I have to go to Milan tomorrow.

Yes! Echi...

Ecchymosis?

No, I told you, it's an herb.

Yeah. That's because I can't hear you!

It's an herb!

So I couldn't find any echinacea.

You need some echinacea?

- You have some? - I always carry some.

He's got some.

- So, where to? - It's OK, we should get home.

- You gotta fly to Milan tomorrow. - No, it's OK.

Don't wanna eat? Stuff a cold, starve a fever?

Really, that's OK. Incidentally, I think you're a tremendous athlete,

you must have the most enormous future.

- This your car? - Yes, it's an Aston Martin.

It's a very old car, they cost a fortune. I used to have a Volvo.

I'll give you a call when we come back to play the Knicks.

Let me give you my number.

You know, you are amazing.

I notice that men just stare at you. Women stare at you.

It's incredible.

- I used to live with a woman. - Really?

Yeah. A beautiful, young German model.

The looks we used to get when we were dancing together.

But you prefer men?

Usually.

Well, that's... That's great.

You're not afraid of catching germs? I'm coming down with a cold.

From you, I'd be willing to catch terminal cancer.

- My place or yours? - Whichever would make you happier.

My place. I have a mirror on my wall by my bed.

You have a mirror. Sure.

Oh, my God! I am so sorry!

- You're OK? You're not bleeding? - No. I'm just a little shaken!

Christ! What were you thinking?

You know, God, I hope the police don't give me a balloon test.

I can't be in the papers connected with some drunk-driving accident!

- I'm not drunk! My eyes were... - The tabloids will kill me!

I just signed a huge personal endorsement

- with a big cosmetic company! - I'm sorry, but my eye was...

I gotta go. I'm gonna get a cab.

- I'll take you home, because we... - Are you crazy?

Look at your Aston Martin!

I can claim it in the morning. I wanted to see your mirror.

Lee, you can't leave the scene of an accident.

This is a bad neighbourhood. You should really...

I'll be fine! I'm a black belt.

What if you're... What if you're bleeding internally?

It was nice to meet you.

Fuckin' cold!

Rain!

Excuse me, I've been waiting over two hours.

- Dr Lupus does know you're here. - I can't wait any longer.

- If you prefer to reschedule... - No, no, no, no.

- I've had my appointment since June. - I've been waiting a year.

I know a woman who sold her appointment for $3,000.

Oh, my God.

If I'm gonna have anyone touch me, I want the best.

Ever since that Newsweek article, we're overrun.

- Nurse, please. - Dr Lupus...

Oh, very interesting. I could work with that.

- Miss Lipton in seven. - Yeah.

It really is worth the wait. The man is an artist.

Dr Lupus, hello. I'm a little concerned about my jowls.

- They'll go. Some of this neck, too. - The neck?

Excuse me, please.

No, no. Those eyes have to be wider,

and we got to get rid of that double chin.

My dream would be to look like Pearl Chavez, the fiery half-breed.

Duel In The Sun? We'll make them think you have Indian blood.

Thank you.

- I don't know what I'm doing here. - It was terrific of you to see us.

- You're one of my special people. - Do I need a makeover?

- Why be less than perfect? - These eyes. Can we do anything?

- I see what you mean, they're beady. - Beady? I don't know.

- I told her you're a genius. - I read the Newsweek article.

- What about your lips? Fuller? - Fuller?

Unless you prefer that cold, stressful look.

- Are they too thin? - We won't make it noticeable.

Well, noticeable but not artificial.

- Doctor, the cameras are here. - Thank you, nurse.

Network's doing a feature on me.

We're in the plush Park Avenue office

of the man called the Michelangelo of Manhattan.

Ignore the camera, Doc.

What about your breasts and buttocks?

With the skill of a great sculptor, unsightly flesh is suctioned away,

until all that remains is youth - or the illusion of youth.

- I'm outta here. - No, please.

Outside, in the waiting room,

anxious faces wait their turn for a transmogrification...

I'm sorry. The doctor doesn't do penis enlargements.

- We don't have the space. - We're talking about three inches.

Renowned socialite Pinky Virdon

uses the VIP entrance reserved for the few

who do not have to plan aeons in advance for an appointment.

I'm not blaming you, but I have to go.

OK, I'll go and get your coat, we'll go out the side exit.

- The side exit? OK. - I'll be right back.

The waiting room's round the corner,

so get some comments from the women and the nurses, too.

Excuse me, I'm sorry for disturbing you, I've got a whole crew here.

- Dr Lupus said... - Yeah, I was just leaving.

He did a terrific job on you, you look great.

Well... Are my lips too thin?

Not for me. Whatever he charged you, it was worth it.

Thanks for the vote of confidence.

I'm Tony Gardella. I'm producing the feature for News At Noon.

- And you are? - Robin Simon.

- And what do you do? - I'm a schoolteacher.

Schoolteacher? Great, so you saved your money, invested it here,

and now you're a knockout.

No, I've only come for a consultation.

- He hasn't done anything to me. - Really?

Well, for whatever it's worth, from a stranger,

I wouldn't change a freckle.

Well, thank you.

I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.

- So... - Well. I'd better get to, um...

- doin' this thing, huh? - Yeah. Back to work.

- Yeah, bye. - Bye.

Listen, forgive me, but, um, are you married, or anything?

If not, what are you doing later?

- Later when? - Six o'clock.

- Why? - Wanna go to a screening?

- A screening? - There's a new John Papadakis film.

I have to go. I thought maybe you'd like to go along.

I...

No.

Thank you very much, but I can't.

See, I don't go to the films very often

and I actually haven't heard of that director.

- Well... - Thanks so much for thinking of me.

- She'll be very happy to go. - This is my, um...

Accepting for Ms Simon, her friend, Cheryl.

So, tell me, are you friendly with your ex-husband?

We would be now, if we met. That's the mark of the age of psychotherapy.

Everybody's so sophisticated and mature.

Hi, how are you?

At least you're not still angry.

No, no, no. That phase is over.

There comes a time when you have to stop tantruming and move on.

Champagne tastes like it was made yesterday.

You think so? I kinda liked it. I'm feeling a little light-headed.

I wish I was light-headed. I hate theses screenings.

- Do you? - I'd rather be in a real audience.

I feel I should know who all these people are, but I'm so out of touch.

All right. See that guy? That's Papadakis, the director of the film.

- Oh, yes? - He's very arty, pretentious.

One of those assholes who shoots all his films in black and white.

Tom Dale. Big star.

He's in New York filming an adaptation of a sequel of a remake.

Oh, and getting out of the elevator, I see there's a famous critic.

- Him I recognise. - He used to hate every movie.

Then he married a young, big-bosomed woman, now he loves every movie.

God, I am so out of touch.

Can I get you a refill?

Oh, yes. What the hell? Why not?

If I could think of what to do, I would never think of teaching.

- Work for me. - As what?

All I'm good at is Chaucer.

Well, we have a cooking show. You could do Great Writer's Recipes.

Chaucer's Fettucini With Clam Sauce, Sir Walter Raleigh's Gazpacho.

No, that's OK.

But I'm glad you asked me out, I'm having a very nice...

- What's the matter? - Lee.

- Who's Lee? - My husband.

- Your husband? - God, I don't wanna see him here.

- You said it was no problem. - Stand there.

- All right, all right. - No, no, no!

- What? - Talk to me, act natural.

- Would you like... - More to the left!

Oh, God! He's gonna see me.

Where are you going? Robin?

- Is he there? - I don't know who he is.

- Is he going in? - There's a blond guy.

Is that who I think it is? Robin? Robin! What are you doing here?

- Robin! - I'm looking for my earring.

I dropped my earring.

Bonnie, this is Robin, Robin, this is Bonnie. How are you?

- How am I? - How are you?

You mean now? You mean my physical health?

- Well, whatever. - Well, I'm a little thirsty, but...

- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

- I just have to... Oh, dear. - I guess we won't have a drink.

- We'll go in. - We'll see you in there.

We'll catch you inside. Nice to see you.

- Are you going to be all right? - I should never drink.

His use of all these flashbacks and slow motion is a bit pretentious.

Can you believe that harlot he's with?

- Do you think she's pretty? - Well, I, you know.

She's probably one of those porn channel outcalls,

you dial a number if you need an escort.

Escort, I mean, really!

"Deep massage," they say, but that's bullshit.

Probably dial 588-PUSSY!

I think she's an editor for Random House.

How could you have slept with Sheila, my best friend? You found her bovine!

His word - bovine.

Am I lying? Did you not say Sheila was a v�che hollandaise?

Well, didn't you?

Am I lying?

You know you're a sick woman? You're a sick woman, that's what you are!

Yeah, OK. OK.

- I'm sorry. - It's OK.

I lost control.

I guess you're still in love with him.

Guess I am. Good night.

- Think about what I said. - About what?

- About coming to work for me. - Oh, that's a fantasy.

Hey, you're bright, you could learn.

My company's getting into a lot of new areas. You could grow with us.

Too inhibited.

- It's a shame. - I'm sorry.

Bye.

- Did you like the movie? - I hate this director, Papadakis.

It's one clich� after another.

When you see the scripts that get made, I just find it so depressing.

Were you upset over that run-in with your ex?

She's an hysteric. I'm so lucky that I got out.

Tonight was proof positive, if I needed proof.

It sounds like you're protesting too much.

My class reunion was the defining moment for me.

- How's that? - I went to a class reunion.

Take my advice - don't ever do it.

- Doris! How are you? - You look great!

- This is Nat. - Hi, Nat. So, what are you up to?

- I work for an importer. And you? - I write for a travel magazine.

- You must get a lot of free travel. - Tell me about it.

Our 727 crash landing in Dubrovnik!

- Eddie! - Look what the cat dragged in!

- This is Lenore, my wife. - Pleased to meet you.

- What are you up to? - We got four kids, two on the way.

What do you do when you're not procreating?

I forget.

I'm a dentist. That's it. Have you seen Jay Tepper over there?

- I don't believe this. - Lee, how are you?

- What are you doing these days? - I'm hangin' in there.

Still running track and killing the girls?

I'm long married.

This is Marion, speaking of married.

- Where is your wife? - She has shingles.

Psychological.

- You're not a shrink? - No, I'm not. I'm a psychoanalyst.

Psychoanalyst? Can you believe that?

- Give me a call. - Give you a call?

Monroe Gordon and his lovely wife, Dana.

Monroe, whom you remember as Nathan Detroit

in our production of Guys And Dolls,

and who has gone on to a highly successful singing career.

Broadway,

Atlantic City, Carlton's Restaurant off the Sunrise Highway...

and the Sunrise Lounge.

Monroe's going to sing a song that was made very popular

during our high school years.

What happened to all my classmates?

Everyone's so mature-looking and overweight.

I didn't age that much.

Unless I did and I can't see it.

All these dentists and veterinarians and antique dealers.

Capped teeth and bald heads, grey hairs coming in.

Sam Jablon has that rug on.

It looks like it fell on his head from a window and nobody told him.

Some dead already. Annette DeAngelo,

breasts I once caressed lying cold in the ground.

God, how I wanted to sleep with Polly Weiss.

Now she's turned into her mother.

And Freddie Kaplan's my age! He could be my father's pinochle partner.

I'm fucking Prufrock!

I gotta change my life before it's too late.

Pardon me?

I'm not happy, Jay.

I married too young.

Neither of us had the chance to live, to explore.

Lee, these aren't exactly my office hours.

I'm talking to you, Jay, while there's still time.

I just turned 40, I don't wanna look up at 50

and find I measured out my fuckin' life with a coffee spoon.

Try and relax.

And, er... put the vodka down.

I mean, Robin's lovely, you know, she's a little neurotic, but...

I don't wanna spend my life the husband of a schoolteacher

writing the occasional travel piece and...

and never knowing what it's like

to make love to that amazing, sleazy blonde

that's married to Monroe Gordon.

And the truth is

that Robin is dull in bed.

Fucking Catholic inhibitions.

Maybe I don't excite her enough any more.

You see, I don't know what the truth is any more.

- I don't know. - Listen to me. Are you in treatment?

One minute you're in the lunchroom at Glenwood High.

You blink and you're 40, blink again and you can see movies at half price

on a senior citizen's pass.

Ask not for whom the bell tolls.

Or, to put it more accurately,

ask not for whom the toilet flushes.

Where were you while we were making love?

You know, in high school I was Class Writer.

That's why I keep telling you.

Forget that screenplay and get back to your novel.

- Too inhibited. - You'll never get over bad reviews?

My two novels were dismissed, it was brutal.

Maybe after I sell a screenplay. Film is where it's at.

Who reads book any more, anyhow? Kids are into cinema.

- I don't believe that, nor do you. - Why are you getting dressed?

Going home. Isn't that what you want?

No... I don't know what I want.

You're the only one who makes any sense to me since my divorce.

I'm not looking for someone to make sense to.

I want somebody to become irrational over me.

Maybe after I sell my armoured car robbery script

I'll get back to something more serious.

Philip's having some people for dinner next week.

- I'd love you to come. - Philip Datloff?

Yeah, he's sweet.

An editor of his stature? He'd make me feel guilty that I wasn't writing.

I want you two to meet.

I won't know what to say.

So what's your novel about?

I don't have a novel.

He does. He has pages he's worked on for over a year. He's terrific.

Bonnie is a very gifted editor. I'm grooming her for my job.

I didn't have the emotional energy required to finish it.

How many people read it? A film reaches millions.

It is not energy. It's confidence. Apparently his first two books...

The three S's - self-indulgent, sophomoric, solipsistic.

If every writer who suffered bad press caved in...

- You're too thin-skinned. - God, that's VJ Rajnipal.

- Excuse me. - Philip's his editor.

What am I doing here? He won the Nobel Prize, and totally deserved!

I'm out of my league! I'm awash in self-contempt.

You know that Irwin Shaw wrote the best anti-war play ever?

And he got it all into one act.

He was an idol of mine.

When I was in high school I read The Eighty Yard Run,

and I wept, I just cried in class.

That story made me want to write. That and some pieces by Saroyan.

- Saroyan? You love him too? - I love the plays, the essays.

When I think of Irwin Shaw, I think of The Girls In Their Summer Dresses.

That title is better than most people's short stories.

- It's so elegant, economic. - The best.

It's thrilling prose. It's terrific.

My book is about the values of a society gone astray.

A culture badly in need of help.

A country that gives a kid who can barely read or write

a $100 million contract to play basketball?

A murder trial or who's sleeping with the president is show business?

Everything is show business!

I'm getting shrill. I get so nervous when I talk about my novel.

You have to finish it.

Screenplays have their place, but there's nothing like a serious book.

Exactly my point.

In Red Letter Day, I touched on these themes but I was too green.

I remember Red Letter Day. I reviewed it for The Times.

- Oh? - It was extremely...

half-baked, laboured.

Solipsistic.

There was no energy. It was trivial.

You don't mind my being frank?

Are you OK?

The rest of them should be here pretty soon.

Let's not take all day, I've got plans later.

This way, Mr Adelman.

- Counsellor! Nice to have you back. - It's a pleasure.

- Put him in the Green Room. - You're from the ACLU, right?

- Can I get you anything? - I'm expecting Roger Lewis to call.

- Can I have it put through? - Of course.

These gentlemen are from the South Carolina Klan.

I'll make sure your call gets put through.

Minister Polynice! The Attorney and the Klansmen are in the Green Room.

Is there time for a sandwich before we go on?

Robin, can I see you in my office?

Mary... Margaret, I'm so sorry.

Attorney Adelman is expecting a call from the ACLU...

- Hi, I'm Dawn Dawson. - Dawn Dawson?

The teenage obese acrobat. I had an appointment.

Robin! Why is the teenage obese acrobat here today?

- You said the 14th. - Overweight Achievers?

- I gave out the wrong date! - You said the 14th.

I am so sorry. Excuse me, the skinheads are here.

I don't know where to put them.

What about the lounge? We'll put them with Rabbi Kaufman.

- It's just down the corner... - Hey! Where's my makeup man?

I'm a lawyer. You expect me to go on without makeup?

It's a madhouse. I gave the overweight guests the wrong date.

- Come here. - I'm so sorry.

- I really screwed up, I'm so sorry. - I've been watching you all morning.

- And I can't take my eyes off you. - Oh, no.

I mean it, I can't get this past weekend in Bermuda out of my mind.

- There's a lot going on out there. - Priorities. Never...

...confuse priorities. - Oh, my God!

Hello. I'm Professor Benz. We're here for the taping.

I'm so sorry, I really have to apologise for her.

Overweight Achievers is next week. Sorry. OK?

- Who are you? - Lou DeMarco.

- Who? - Who?

I'm the uncle of Tony Lipriano from the Genovese family, that's who.

Mr DeMarco, our Cosa Nostra show is next week.

- She told me today! - I know, I'm sorry.

I can't be here next week. I'm being deported Thursday.

- Didn't we do Sally's show together? - We're going back a long time.

- I only had two murders then. - You're with William Morris?

Where are the bagels? The skinheads eat the bagels already?

Robin, would you like to interview this professional woman

for that panel on lovemaking next Tuesday?

Right, what's the show called?

Working Girls Born And Raised In Manhattan. I'm Nina.

- Nina. Right. OK, great. - OK.

Bye. So, you're actually a hooker?

Yeah, that's right.

Tony, you finally got here. Traffic that bad?

I told you it would be heavy traffic. I knew it.

Hey, Grandma, look who's here! Your favourite grandson.

- Hi, Tony. Hi, Tony. - Hi, Grandma.

This is Robin, everybody.

- How are you? - My sister, Iris.

- Hello. - Nice to meet you.

Tony's a doll. You know he got us this house?

- Show her the house. - Mom, stop it.

So, the problem is, there's a waiting list

to get Grandpa into the nursing home.

It's the only home I trust, all the others are toilets.

But this one, he'd be taken care of, but there's a waiting list.

So maybe if you called, we would tell 'em it's for you, for Grandpa.

You know, use your name. Then maybe they'll move him up on the list.

- We could try, Pop. - I'd appreciate it. He needs it.

Tony, Tony... Talk to him about this table.

Grandma!

I wanna take Iris to Le Bijou for her birthday dinner.

It's impossible to get into, and no decent table that's not out the back.

Excuse me, there is a six-month waiting list.

- I'll have Mary make a call. - As long as it's convenient.

- Is that all you think about, food? - Try that.

When are you gonna get my season ticket upgraded?

What am I, Don Corleone?

Not for me, brother, it's for your nephew.

Ricky, come here.

I want you to tell Grandma who came and spoke at your school.

- You had a guest speaker? - Yeah, John Brennan.

- Nice! - The hostage guy?

- You don't know John Brennan? - The hostage, you remember.

- Never heard of him. - They hijacked his plane.

They held him for months, right?

- Grandma's not gonna know this. - Daddy, you remember?

- It was in all the papers. - In the papers, on TV, everything.

They finally released him, he got this hero's welcome. He's famous!

What's he famous for? For being captured?

- Yeah! - Why is he a hero?

It's no feat to get captured!

Your family's crazy about you.

Well, they've never had much of anything

and my success has made so many things possible.

Guess that's why I'm so driven professionally.

Lovely.

It's fun to be able to do things for people you love.

Did you ever think that you might want a family of your own?

Oh, yeah, I would. I'm surprised you don't have one.

Well, you know. At the beginning we were young, not much money.

Then, as time went on, Lee became a little edgy whenever I brought it up.

Well, how big a family would you like if we were ever to get married?

Oh, you know. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

- What does that mean? - Well, you know.

It means, um, you can't be this perfect.

You didn't just walk into my life in a doctor's office with no drawbacks.

Any minute I'm gonna discover you have a wife.

Or you had one, but you chopped her up with a hatchet.

Don't you fuckin' walk away from me like that!

- Get away from me! - It's all your fuckin' lying, bitch!

What the fuck? Do you wanna ruin this?

You wanna fuckin' ruin our relationship?

I'm sick of this bullshit!

Fuck you!

Tell her to get the fuck out of our fuckin' lives!

I'm sick of it! I'm tired of this bullshit!

- I can't take it any more! - You're so paranoid!

I fuckin' love you! Tell her to get the fuck out of our lives!

Baby, I love you. Don't fuckin' do this to me, all right?

- Don't you fuckin' do this. - Stop it.

Don't you fuckin' walk away. Don't fuckin' walk away from me, you bitch!

There's a fight on the 11th floor.

- A fight? - Where?

- 1102. - That's Brandon Darrow.

- He does it every time. - I called security.

Somebody's gotta get up there.

Come on! Hurry! He's trying to hurt me!

Get in there!

- Excuse me, what's going on? - Get outta here.

Whatever that bitch told you, she's lying.

- I'm security. - I'm gonna call my fuckin' lawyer!

Get the fuck outta here!

He tried to throw me out the window!

- Bitch! Don't you fuckin' lie! - Take it easy.

- Keep him away! - Take it easy.

Get your fucking hands off me.

Look. Easy, pal. Easy, pal.

I have an appointment with Mr Darrow.

Get your hand off my neck! I hate this hotel!

- This bitch is lying! - I'm Lee Simon, you read my script.

If your friend tries to plant coke on me again, I'll kill you!

- I'm Lee Simon. - What the fuck do you want, buddy?

He tried to throw me out the window and throw my clothes out.

Don't bullshit strangers, bitch. I'm not high, look at my eyes.

That's all right. I never make moral judgments, so...

- What was your name? - Nicole Oliver gave you my script.

It's about an armoured car robbery, there's a strong subplot.

I'm gonna sue all you motherfuckers, I'm gonna sue this fleabag hotel.

- What's going on? - A little domestic.

It's time I get a little respect around here!

- Shut up! - Fuck you!

- Shut the hell up! - A little domestic problem.

This guy?

He tried to throw me out the window.

That's physical enough for me.

Her friend tried to plant dope on me.

- Let's go downtown. - You can talk to my people.

- Who are you? - Lee Simon. We have a meeting.

Not right now. Later, maybe.

We had a meeting scheduled and you know, it's important.

30 seconds would help.

Come on, ladies! Back it up!

We can have a brief conversation and establish everything that we need.

Can we get these guys back, please?

- Get out of the way! - Make room!

- Brandon, is tomorrow good for you? - Clear the way!

Wait!

Wait! Wait! Don't take him away!

Call Irv Klein. Get him downtown, all right? I'll be out an hour.

- John! Hold them back. - Please! He didn't do anything!

I don't think you should hold him. The hotel has no problem with this.

I brought a copy in case you wanna talk.

- OK! - He's welcome in the hotel.

Because this is Brandon Darrow, that's the only reason. You hear?

- That's it. - I thank you very much.

Mr Darrow, please come back in the hotel. Stay outside, please.

You know, Brandon, if we could just go into the bar and have a drink,

we could sit down and talk for a few minutes.

There's some points I'm reworking which you'd be very excited to hear.

I'm very open to this whole process. Just in a brief conversation...

Brandon! We're gonna be late.

It's the first script I've read with any balls.

- A combination of like... - Is it five already?

I've always been interested, but it's always "Can you get a bankable star?"

We need to talk about this.

With you as Sonnyboy and an unknown for the female lead.

You like fights? We're going to Atlantic City

to see the Fernandez-Tobin fight.

- Atlantic City now? - Yeah, it's five.

I have an assignment.

- If we could have a second now... - I get a lot of scripts, all crap.

- Exactly. - No fucking integrity.

I'm flattered, but I have this assignment. Two minutes.

- I'm flying to Africa tomorrow. - The magazine set this interview up.

It's with the mayor's wife - she likes acting!

I got scratch marks all over my arm, it's ridiculous.

- Are we taking off from Teterboro? - Teterboro, yes.

- Taking off? - Taking off.

- Oh, no... - We can't drive now.

I should explain that I can't fly.

It sounds funny but I had a terrible experience as a travel writer.

You're a fuckin' pussy. The whole flight's 20 minutes.

- There was this crash landing. - You like fights?

- Well, I like sports, sure. - Do you like Fernandez or Tobin?

Tobin's got him, man! Tobin's got him!

I like Fernandez.

- I'm really impressed with your ear. - My ear?

- The dialogue. - Oh, my ear. Well, I try. I listen.

- You know what I mean? It flows. - Yeah?

Come on, come on!

Come on, baby, come on!

Stick him, come on! Stick him!

Is this a good time to go through the script?

He can't put a fuckin' combination together. Look at this shit.

Come on, baby. Stick him!

Come on, let's shoot some craps.

If we get our business out of the way you can gamble with a clear mind.

- You shoot crap? - I don't, no.

- I'll teach you. - I know the rules,

but I didn't bring much money, not realising that I would be here.

- I'll advance you the cash. - From our royalties, right?

- I wanted to talk about the opening. - Sure.

- It feels a little rushed. - It is, it needs way more build-up.

No, not build-up. Character development.

Who is this guy, Sonny? Why does he need to score so badly?

You have such a feel for the material.

Shoot 'em, babe.

Shit, man, you're cursed! It ain't your night.

I can't believe I ran through $6,000 so fast!

- It's just making me... - All right. 7 or 11, gimme the dice!

- 7 or 11, baby. - You know...

- Come on, baby. - You know after the opening scene...

Hey, man, you partake in this?

Well, I have some alcohol, so... Not really.

I was wondering about the way I handled the robbery.

I think it's a terrific sequence.

- Needs a complete rewrite. - It needs some work.

Nobody'd ever believe you could steal an armoured car in daylight.

There's not enough subterfuge.

That's for you, baby.

- You like her? - Well, she's a perfect person.

- Nice ass. - With some helicopter shots...

Let's take this party inside.

If I could talk a little more in-depth about the denouement...

I feel that there's a chance to say something special.

I didn't realise you were, um... Excuse me, Brandon.

We can finish this in a second. I don't wanna get in the way.

Oh, yeah. Why don't you slip into bed and we'll be there in one minute, OK?

- OK. - Excuse, you got a second?

This is an unfamiliar scenario to me.

I know Gina from before, all right? You will not be sorry. Trust me.

- You mean all of us? - Yeah.

What's the matter, you never been with more than two broads before?

The woman thing is not... The guy thing I'm a little uncomfortable...

You know we're not getting together, right? You like women, don't you?

If it was on their own, you know, two, five, 500...

- So my presence disturbs you? - No, a naked man, conceptually...

A naked guy is not an issue for me, but I just...

- Do we need the door? - You been in a boys' locker room?

Of course I have. I have track medals. I was all-city.

- I don't get it. What's the problem? - I don't know how to put it.

You know, a wave of panic at the proximity of unclad male genitalia,

in conjunction with the specific activity, plus I'm still airsick.

- I don't know that I can... - You writers are so sensitive.

You should be writing greeting cards, not fucking scripts.

What's the matter? Not in the mood?

I'm just a little tired, drunk, actually. Just had alcohol.

Brandon tells me you're his writer.

Well, you know, I'm a writer.

- I write. I wrote some film scripts. - Really?

Have you ever heard of Chekhov?

- I have. - I write like him.

You write like him?

Brandon, how do you feel about the scene at the church

where Sonnyboy gets killed by his brother?

Listen, we're gonna definitely speak about this again.

I'm going to Africa tomorrow to do this picture,

then I have another picture in LA.

Then maybe we'll have time to talk. But I really wanna do your script.

It just needs a little work, and I need some time to think about it.

Have a great drive back to New York.

My agent's gonna call you about the $6,000.

Maybe you can pay it back in instalments. All right?

Yeah, Bonnie? Yeah, you sitting down?

No, I just, er... I guess I just woke up.

I've decided I'm gonna finish my novel.

Yeah, I know. I'm not gonna let anything stand in my way.

I'm gonna work nights, weekends, whatever it takes, cos I...

Well, I came home, I went to take out the chapters I'd written to look at.

I couldn't find them, and I thought, "Maybe I've thrown them out,"

and I panicked.

No, then I found them. God, but that panic.

You know, it made me realise how dear they are to me.

You know, so I re-read what I'd written and I just...

You know, they contain every aspiration that I've had,

every authentic feeling, every idea.

And I got no choice, I have to complete this, this is me.

I... I love this book.

I love this book.

Well... Well, thank you.

- Hi. Come in. - Thank you.

- Are you OK? - OK?

- You seemed tense on the phone. - No, no.

- Come in. You want a drink? - I wouldn't mind some white wine.

- If you have it. - Yeah.

So, let me explain.

When we spoke backstage after the show,

we just touched lightly on, for want of a better term,

sexual technique.

Do you recall? You know, some do's and don'ts.

Certain strategies for... pleasing a man in bed.

Yeah.

I don't know...

why I'm so rattled.

I said this so clearly on my pillow last night, now I'm all disjointed.

- Have a little more wine. - Thank you.

I've, um, I've decided I want you to show me a few things.

- On television? - No, no. For me.

Personally.

Let me explain.

The man I'm going with, whom I love very dearly, is very sexually active.

Which is great. You know, great.

We are... We have a very, very solid sex life.

Very physical. Well, obviously, physical.

And the sad truth is, um...

Well, no. I've only recently got divorced.

After being married to the same man since I was in college, but...

you know, who was all I'd experienced and, er...

I say this confidentially because I respect you professionally.

I think that I disappointed him, sexually.

You know, I come from a very uptight, proper family,

and I was taught, growing up, you know,

that a lot of acts of lovemaking are wrong.

In my mother's eyes, actually, quite sinful.

And so...

I went to a Catholic school, you know.

Not that Tony complains, but I feel that...

that I'm not really, um...

That he's being kind.

It's probably a testament to his feelings for me

that he desires me as frequently as he does and he enjoys it.

Don't get me wrong, we both do.

I love being wanted and the actual act itself.

But I just feel...

that I can do better, you know, that I want him to have the best.

I don't want him to start longing for experiences with other women,

I don't think I could take that again.

Is any of this making any sense to you at all?

Yeah. So what you're asking for is lessons.

I guess so. Yeah.

I mean, I'm sure this is highly unusual. Of course, you get paid.

Why don't you go to one of those therapists?

Oh, no. I don't wanna get clinical with Tony, I...

I wanted to learn it from someone who'll teach it to me...

down and dirty, if you know what I mean.

I'm just wondering where we'd begin.

- How about oral sex? - Oh, yeah?

Because, you know, somehow I feel... It doesn't come naturally to me.

It's laboured. I have trouble breathing, actually,

and once a cap for my tooth fell off and I swallowed it.

Do you enjoy it?

I... I certainly don't mind it.

Yeah, but do you enjoy it?

What goes through your mind when you're doing it?

The Crucifixion.

I can't help it, it's my upbringing.

All right, why don't you just show me how you do it?

- Go ahead. - Now?

Yeah. Take the banana and give me your best blow job. Go ahead.

Yeah, go ahead. Down the hatch.

Oh, my God. Have you ever injured him?

- No. Why, is that too hard? - Well, it's a little rough.

Oh, you see? I'm over-eager. I was trying too hard.

It's all right. Tell you what. I'll show you how to do it.

Watch. It's a gentle, slow, medium-slow motion,

get as much in your mouth as... Depth is very important.

- Right. - Watch this, right?

OK.

Oh, my God. Are you choking?

You're choking! Oh, my God!

OK. Arms up, let me just...

Oh, my God! Put your arms up again.

Thrust!

Is that out?

I am so sorry.

- Do you want some water? - I'm OK, I'm OK.

- I feel so dreadful. It's my fault. - No, it's all right.

- Are you OK? - Yeah, I'm all right.

Oh, dear.

- I'm OK. Yeah. - I think I need some more practice.

- Well... - Should you be smoking?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, all right.

A toast - to Sid Melnick!

And to the best book written about the CIA in ten years!

I don't know where all his insecurities come from.

- He needs another drink. - I'll have another.

Good idea. Please refill me.

- Bonnie's terrific. - Yeah, she's a wonderful editor.

I sense she's gradually taking control

of that cosmic chaos you call your life.

I figured, "Fuck it." We've been practically living together.

Why not? I made the commitment, she gave up her place and moved in today.

You know what I hate about promotional book tours?

You work your ass off in a strange city, knock yourself out,

you go to a book store, they don't have your book.

- They never stock your book. - I know.

- What are you working on? - The famous screenplay went nowhere.

You need a star and it's fucking death, the humiliation.

- Business. - Total, you know?

- Tell 'em what you've been doing. - Oh, please.

- What is it? - I'm almost finished with a novel.

- Oh, really? - I've been slaving over it a year,

but the reception my previous books got, I'm a glutton for punishment.

- This will be a huge success. - He's being modest.

- It's great. - You read it?

You gonna go by my new roommate now?

- She has no agenda here. - No, no, no.

- Hey, Tony. Hey, how are you? - Fine.

I know these guys. Excuse me.

Hey, Lee. Good to see you again.

- This is Nola. - Hi. How are you?

That's Bonnie and that's Kevin. That's Lee.

- How are you? - I'm good.

- Here we go. - Do you mind if I? Thank you.

- How's it going? - Very good.

So, how you doin'?

I'm good, I've finished a very long article.

I was working on it for five months, and then we've been vacationing.

Where'd you go?

We went to California. Have you read Sid's book?

- How have you been? - Good.

- I liked it very much. A bit long. - Oh, I didn't find it long.

- How's your acting career? - Slow but breathing.

- You still work in Chippers? - You remembered!

What was the spy movie we saw on TV about the hawk and...

The Falcon And The Snowman.

- Didn't it remind you of that? - Maybe I don't remember the movie.

- Young spies, they're in trouble? - Sort of...

- What have you been doing? - Nothing very exciting.

I called you last Friday.

I'm sorry, I got your message. We stayed on in California.

Cos she's never been to San Francisco.

- Oh, I love that town. - It's wonderful.

- Until I tried to drive! - Oh, my God! No, no, no, no.

I've never been more terrified in my life.

You should have seen... We were airborne.

It was a special effects movie on the hills.

Was it automatic or standard?

I don't know. I was just clutching the thing for my life.

- Where did you stay? - The Fairmont.

How did you meet David?

How did we meet? Actually, I took her away from a Nobel scientist.

No, I wasn't going out with him. I was his translator.

- Translator? - Yes, and companion.

And she translated so well that he offered to dump his wife.

You make it sound so much more interesting than it was.

- Really? - Excuse me.

Lee! You got a minute, Lee?

- Say hello to Shelly Rubin. - How are ya?

You gotta catch this kid. Great young comic.

Somebody's gotta do a piece on him. Next Robin Williams.

Do Jack Nicholson at the Seder for him. This is hysterical.

Just attended my first Seder.

What a shindig that was.

Haggadah this, haggadah that.

I think the only thing you gotta do is drink a lot of wine.

- Uncanny. - Isn't it great?

I'm so grateful to have seen it live. You have a great future.

I got more. California red wine for the Manichewitz.

Thanks, Lee. We'll hook up.

- We should talk and meet. - Nice talking to you.

We'll be in touch.

- Hi. - I'm dying of comedy poisoning.

You never came by.

I don't know why. I got sidetracked, I guess.

That's all right. Although I was sure you'd come looking for me.

All that talk about my great face.

Well, it still looks... exquisite.

Under these lights, especially, you look fantastic.

Is that your girlfriend or are you gonna tell me she's a transvestite?

No, she's just... You know, she's a friend.

- She's really beautiful. - I'll get you a...

And so you're... I guess you're with David, right?

- Yes and no. - Meaning?

What are you doing later?

Well, I... Later?

After you drop off your date, are you tied up?

I'm... When later?

I'm gonna meet some friends downtown, but why don't you meet me?

Meet me at the kiosk opposite El Teddy's at twelve.

Twelve noon, like tomorrow?

Twelve tonight, unless you're tied up.

Twelve tonight?

Can I make you a more European offer? A kiosk at midnight.

Sure, sure.

- Hey. We should get going. - OK.

I heard you just finished a novel. Congratulations.

It's such a ballbreaker, you wouldn't believe it.

- Bonnie said she loved it. - She would.

She's kind of a ballbreaker.

I hope it's good, I put two years of my life into it.

Well, I've never worked longer than five months on anything, so...

- Did you hear Erica Jeffers tonight? - No.

She's writing about her experiences with the judicial system.

Ought to be a beaut.

Isn't that Nola a little young for David Delile?

- Young? - He's your age, right?

Well, I don't know.

- Are you tired? - I got a little ulcer problem here.

Poor baby. You got a tummy ache? You want your Pepcid?

I checked. We're all out.

- I think you got some Mylanta. - Only the Pepcid works for me.

- I'm gonna go to the drugstore. - Now? But I'm half undressed.

You don't have to come.

You should go to bed, and don't be silly because...

You know, it's not like I need an escort to, you know, go to the...

drugstore.

I should get this fixed cos this is gonna bug me all night if I don't.

All right, but be back soon. The moving men are coming early tomorrow.

I know, I won't forget. What is the time now?

- 11:45. I'll see you soon. - Give me a kiss.

- Make it very soon, OK? - I'm sorry.

I'm beat.

Sorry I'm late. Hope you haven't been waiting too long.

You're not late. Listen, I have to level with you.

I can't really go anywhere right now. I...

I don't know where to begin.

My luck's been lousy, I got myself into a situation for whatever reason.

I was married a long time, I thought that I would be better single.

That's been great. It's been wild in a way, but lonely too,

and I should've come by for you the minute I met you and I didn't.

And I think the reason that I didn't was that I was wary of you

because you triggered some real feelings inside me

and so yet again, I fucked up.

But I'm gonna rectify things before I get in any deeper,

so please, what are you doing tomorrow?

Wow! Is that you or your new novel?

I'm gonna be OK by tomorrow, I promise.

Well, look, I don't wanna cause anybody any problems, you know?

Sure. What about you and David?

I've told David many times I need someone who can take control of me

- and I don't think he can do it. - No?

And believe me, every guy I meet thinks he's the one

who's gonna make me faithful, so just be warned.

Well, you should know, I don't scare that easily.

I'm just telling you, because you don't know me.

I know you, I've written about you twice.

You were the obscure object of desire in books that I've written.

The books failed - my fault, not yours - but I know you inside out.

- It's scary. - You didn't make me up.

Well, whatever restlessness you've experienced,

whatever moodiness and unpredictability

you've broken hearts with, you're a...

Baby, you're a heartbreaker. It's...

It's all over tonight.

Where did you get that confidence? Or are you scared?

I'm not David. I created you twice in fiction out of my own imagination.

I wrote about you before I even knew that you existed

except that one day I knew that I would meet you.

Well, what am I thinking?

You're thinking, "I wish this guy would shut up and kiss me."

- But you're late. - I'm not late.

I think I'm right on time for you.

Except why would I kiss you here when your apartment's two blocks away?

- How did you know that? - Why wouldn't I?

You were Steffi in my first book and Louise in my second.

Now...

you're Nola.

- Hello? - Movers.

Would you come right up, please? I'll just leave the door open.

- Wake up! Hi. - Hi.

- Moving men are here with my stuff. - What?

I'm sorry about last night.

The second you left for the drugstore I conked out like a zombie.

You must have been so disappointed when you got back.

- The moving men are here already? - Yup. It's 7:30.

- Listen, Bonnie... - I've made some coffee.

- Bonnie, listen. - What is it?

I have to talk to you.

Right. I'm paying attention.

Look, you've got to listen. I've done a terrible thing.

I bet you've done a really bad thing.

- No, you should listen, because... - All right.

I don't know how to say this, but I, erm...

- Listen, I wanna call this off. - What are you talkin' about?

You're gonna think I'm the worst,

most fucked-up son of a bitch in the world and I am.

I'm gonna try in my own stupid way to be honest and I...

I met somebody else, Bonnie.

You what?

I met somebody else. I...

I met somebody else. I don't know how else to say it.

- How could you? - You have every right to hate me.

- I'm so screwed up. - I just moved in yesterday.

I'm so screwed up. I wish I could put it another way.

I can't believe what I'm hearing.

- This thing of moving in together... - It was your idea!

- I know, I know... - When did you meet "somebody else"?

- It's not important. - I've rearranged my goddamn life!

- I know. This is so difficult. - You said you loved me!

I thought that I did and believe me, I wanted to.

You're such a wonderful, wonderful...

You know what? You're a sick son of a bitch!

- Excuse me... - No!

- Could you just get the fuck out? - I accept full responsibility.

- Let's get out of here. - I'm a total asshole.

- Yeah, you are a total asshole! - But I thought that if I was honest

and brought it up openly, that we could understand

that I really and truly do not mean you any harm.

Because I know how you feel and believe me, I feel so, so bad,

but if we just accept me as sick

and just try to, I know it's hard, remain rational.

We can do this with the minimum of disruption.

Naturally, you can store your stuff here for a while, and I'll...

- You're a fucking psychotic! - Bonnie, this is so hard, I just...

I'm so... Oh, boy.

What are you doing with my novel? What are?

That's an only copy! Bonnie!

Hey, buddy. Did you see a woman come out of here with, like, a manuscript?

- I saw a girl come out of this door. - Where did she go?

She ran right across the street.

In five, four, three...

And now Manhattan Moods goes live to a new feature, Luncheon At Le Bijou.

Hi, I'm Robin Simon. Welcome to Luncheon At Le Bijou,

New York's most exciting restaurant, where every day is a potpourri

of the city's most rich and famous residents.

I'm sitting here talking to Evelyn Isaacs,

Manhattan's most exclusive real estate broker,

who has situated...

- Is that correct? - I like it.

...the cream of the city's most luminous residents.

You were saying that you couldn't get rock star Ennis Taylor

- into the apartment he wanted. - That's right.

The tenants didn't want groupies hanging around.

They must have been leery of wild parties.

Yes, but actually, Ennis isn't what you'd think from his band.

He's not violent or destructive, he's quite intellectual and sweet.

I just think the board of the co-op had a problem that he owned snakes.

Not that he'd have to walk them, but they had a problem with the boas.

- Any other big name turn-downs? - No, but I got a beautiful triplex

for the Charles Aranows.

It's twelve rooms on Park Avenue and they're having a Hamptons room.

They're bringing in tons of sand to cover the floor, so it's fun.

Well, thank you. I see. Now...

It's time for me to table-hop,

and let our audience meet some of the other exciting patrons of Le Bijou.

Look who's here - Senator Bob Paley! How are you today?

We're here for the celebrity golf tournament.

It earns a lot of money for the Heart Foundation.

They say I'm paired with Greg Norman.

Wonderful! Do you want to make any comments on the recent allegations?

I think when the facts are in,

the Justice Department will conclude that I made an error in judgment

but there was no real intent of treason.

Well, moving right along, I see Dee Bartholomew, "Empress of Gossip".

Robin, hi.

It's so rainy out today, this gloomy weather.

But I love your pin. Is that Georgian?

Oh, thank you. No, it's art nouveau.

- And where did you get it? - My first husband gave it to me.

When you say first, do I detect a second on the way? Robin?

- Well... - I ran into our Tony Gardello.

He had a blissed-out look, like he had died and gone to heaven.

How did you manage to put that smile on his face?

- Using my head. - I'm sure.

Do you have any choice items for our viewers?

Very prominent actress-slash-singer

has become pregnant while visiting Buckingham Palace.

- No names, please. - Well, thank you.

Look who's here. Donald Trump. What are you working on, Donald?

I'm working on buying St Patrick's Cathedral,

maybe doing a little rip-down job and putting up a very tall building.

Wonderful!

- You were great! - I was terrible.

- You said you couldn't do it. - I got mixed up.

- I said, "You can." - I was a jerk.

No actress-turned-interviewer could do it as real.

You're not a jerk. You were real.

Nobody cares if you're unpolished and awkward. It's appealing.

This is your 15 minutes of fame.

I never believed what Andy Warhol said

about everybody being famous for 15 minutes.

Almost nobody will ever be famous for even one minute, so enjoy it!

OK. How did I manage to swing this?

Last year I was teaching English, performing a serious function.

And suddenly, through a whirlwind series of events,

I've become the kind of woman I've always hated.

But I'm happier.

- Are you nervous about Saturday? - Are you?

I'm counting the seconds.

I can't believe my hands are sweating.

- You got the ring? - What am I, a schmuck?

- Sophisticated. Very educated. - Yes, I know.

Oh, picture.

I like this girl, I really do. I think she's terrific.

It's so ironic. You go to get face work, you don't get face work.

But you meet a wonderful guy who changes your life.

It's better than face work.

- Do you think this looks OK? - You look perfect.

- Expected a bigger turnout. - Ma, they wanted to keep it small.

Isn't that, er...

Al Swayze. He's a friend of Tony's. Does the weather.

Oh, right. He does the weather on channel...

Hello, how do you do?

- Well, congratulations. - Thank you. My daughter, Iris.

- Mama, he does the weather! - We enjoy watching you so much.

- Nice to meet you too. - We watch you give the weather.

- I mean, you're usually wrong. - Occupational hazard.

But you're cheerful. You're all so cheerful.

Yeah.

I can't find her. Did you see her?

- Did I? What happened? - She's not in the bathroom.

- You were just with her. - I don't know what happened to her.

Frankie, come on.

- Relax. - How? She's gotta be somewhere.

We'll find her.

- What's going on? - It's all right, Ma, it's nothing.

Everything's gonna be all right.

She walked out about 20 minutes ago.

- Where did she go? - I didn't see.

- She was alone? - Yeah.

Frankie, go upstairs, stall 'em. I'm gonna go look around.

- Where are you gonna look? - I don't know.

You're out of your mind. What am I gonna tell your mother and father?

- Everything's fine. - Is he OK? I hope she's OK.

- She's nervous, Ma. - Nervous about what?

- She needs to fix her makeup. - Should I go and help her?

- Tony's all right? - Please. Don't go help her.

She's gonna come out. Iris, leave her alone.

- Now. - She's gathering herself.

- Do you want a reading? - No, no.

Come on. I'll give you a nice reading.

- I was walking. - You look like you could use one.

You look like you could. Come inside with me.

- I don't really believe in psychics. - You don't have to believe. Come in.

- So, what do you do? - I work in television.

- You used to do something else, huh? - That's right. I was a teacher.

I see, um, the name Beowulf.

Oh, my God. Chaucer. I taught Chaucer.

- Would you like some tea? Mint tea? - I would love a drink. Is that OK?

No problem.

So, you like television better?

Well, it's interesting to see who we choose as our celebrities.

And why. What makes them tick.

You can learn a lot about a society by who it chooses to celebrate.

- Is this good? - Yes, please.

We did this whole show on Sunny von Bulow and she's just a coma patient.

She just lays there in a coma but she's a celebrity.

You were up there with her. What happened?

She was OK.

Everybody, I've got some bad news.

The wedding's off, so why don't you just all go on home, OK?

Thanks. Thank you.

- Tony... - It's not gonna happen.

Just go home, make sure Mom gets there all right.

- Are you all right? Is she hurt? - It's nothing like that. Go on, OK?

- Are you OK? - Yeah, yeah. I'm fine.

- Frankie... - Tony.

It's all right. Just...

I'm here to help you. Whatever.

You need a change in your life.

Whatever plans you've been contemplating, re-evaluate.

I see you going in a different direction.

- I had planned to get married. - Perhaps this needs more scrutiny.

Really?

- When was the wedding planned? - Today.

I left him standing at the church with all his family and friends.

If you are not sure that you love him...

No, I am sure, he's wonderful.

- So then I don't understand. - I just feel guilty.

I've had such good luck. Everybody I know always has so many problems.

I just have this great guy fall in my lap.

- I still don't get... - I told him, "You're so terrific.

"I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop."

Some awful part of him that will ruin things, but there is no other shoe.

- You provided that. - Me?

He's a wonderful guy, but you screw things up.

- Why? - You said it yourself.

It's like guilt. You don't need a fortune teller, you need a shrink.

- Me? - You meet this wonderful guy,

and you can't believe that something so wonderful can happen to you,

so you ruin it.

I did a horrible thing. He'll never forgive me.

Who could blame him?

You want your $10 worth of psychic prediction? He'll forgive you.

Obviously he's crazy about you

and just because you acted like a horse's ass don't mean he will.

So you tell him everything that you told me. And then...

- Yeah? ...you give him a big kiss.

We can be seen.

Don't you care?

I don't. I care about you.

That's perfect!

Emotionally, it's exactly where you should be.

- Really? - I don't feel like I'm there at all.

Well, trust it. We'll come back to this tomorrow, we'll stop for now.

I feel like I know where she's coming from, but she's so contradictory.

Contradiction is good, just don't contradict yourself when you play it.

Play one thing at a time and trust it.

Yeah, you have a hold on it, just don't look at yourself in the mirror.

- Oh, stop it. - Both of you.

- Don't overplay the lust. - She's such a carnivore.

- Do you wanna have a drink? - I'd love to.

Yeah? We'll talk.

Hi.

That was a... I just caught the end.

It seems like a terrific scene. Great work.

- You didn't tell me you were coming. - I was in the neighbourhood.

Thought I'd stop by.

- You know Greg. - Sure. Good to see you.

- Going to Moran's around the corner. - Did you wanna have that drink?

I thought maybe we'll walk home together.

- I wanted to talk about the play. - I thought you might wanna walk.

- I'm in the middle of rehearsals. - I knew you'd be through by five.

What's the big deal?

I'm going to the bar. We can easily talk tomorrow.

- You shouldn't crowd me like that. - I just stopped by to pick you up.

- I thought you'd be glad. - Things come up.

Something's wrong. I stop by to see you and it puts you in a bad mood.

- You don't trust me! - Should I trust you?

You're so suspicious.

You wanna make it with the director.

I'm really not in the mood for one of these long discussions.

- You said you were in love with me. - You don't trust me.

How can I? Every time I turn my back you're with somebody.

I told you, I don't wanna be closed in.

- Then why are you living with me? - I'm not, I just stay most nights.

- I don't wanna crowd you. - Just let me go talk about the play.

Yeah, "Just fuck off so I can fuck the director." That's cool.

I'm who I am. I told you that when we met.

I always hope it's gonna be different and it never is.

You love me and you're gonna be hurt if I give up on you,

so think about it.

Just go home. We'll just enjoy the time we have together.

We don't have to complicate everything,

everything doesn't have to be questioned.

You mean, "Will you get lost so I can jump into bed with the director?"

Anyone listening to you would think I was the Whore of TriBeCa.

If I said goodbye and never saw you again, would that make you happy?

- That wouldn't make me happy. - We have not made love in weeks.

Why do you want me when I just lie there like a dead fish?

But you didn't used to. What happened?

Nothing. It's me, OK?

It's me, and let's stay in tonight and not overanalyse everything, OK?

Oh, what is it with these pills?

- They're diet pills. - Oh, please! Just...

I just... I give up.

So...

So what do you want for dinner? What should I buy?

Spaghetti.

I was gonna ask you to marry me.

No. Penne, with marinara.

Lee, right? Phil Datloff. Bonnie brought you to dinner at my place.

Of course, I remember. You were very kind.

I passed out on your carpet, that I remember.

What happened to that book you were toying with?

It just kind of floated away.

- I thought about it the other day. - Really?

A culture that took a wrong turn, an individual that can't find himself.

- That was it. - Well, VJ Rajnipal, great writer,

he just gave us a fabulous manuscript on the same subject.

Really?

A society where every member is famous,

there are no uncelebrated people.

- Really? - Yeah. Very hysterical. Brilliant.

I would like to have seen your take on the same subject.

Oh, he's a great artist. I could never...

- How is Bonnie? - Oh, she's fine. Great girl.

I think she sold a screenplay.

Hi, we're at the star-spangled premi�re of The Liquidator.

Unfortunately for so many beautiful people, the weather hasn't held up.

But the show must go on! Here's the producer, Dalton Freed!

- Would you believe this weather? - It's unbelievable!

- How are you doing? - Well, could be better.

Hasn't kept people away. Is this your wife?

This is a young actress you're gonna hear a great deal about.

My wife, she's in rehab!

Well, I've read the reviews. Very interesting!

- I never read reviews. - What's your next project?

Birth Of A Nation, an all-black version.

Great!

Oh, my gosh! Erno Delucca, who did Nicole Oliver's wigs! How are you?

How are you? I also did her werewolf makeup.

- Werewolf makeup? - Yes, twice.

- Good job. Very nice to see you. - Thank you.

We're expecting a lot of celebrities tonight, I'm keeping my eyes peeled.

Here's the director! How are you? What a night, huh?

It's incredible. Are you covering this for The Weather Channel?

No, no. I understand that in your film, you have a big rain sequence.

Yeah, we have amazing effects, it's almost like the real thing.

It's better, actually.

Well, thanks so much.

Oh, Nicole Oliver! You're here!

The star of the movie, and her husband!

You look beautiful. Show us what you're wearing.

- I'm soaked. - Unbelievable. You look fantastic!

It's unbelievable, and the rain didn't seem to deter too many people.

It's a really exciting premi�re.

Oh, my gosh! Robin! Congratulations on your show,

your pregnancy, your marriage, everything!

- Doesn't she look beautiful? - Who knew angels flew so low?

Your show's just taken off, I'm so jealous, you look so great!

- What do you think of this rain? - It's really something.

Have a great time, you look incredible!

Oh, look, we've got a lot more people coming. Oh, I see Sandor!

We feel a little sorry for him.

Oh, my goodness!

Lee!

Robin! I...

- What are you doing? - Incredible.

I haven't seen you... I saw you at the movies again.

- This is my husband, Tony. - Nice to meet you. Congratulations.

Cos everything... You're transformed!

- This is such a surprise! - What?

- This isn't your kind of movie. - I interviewed Nicole Oliver.

I read that interview, it was marvellous!

Marvellous? Did I hear what used to be your least favourite word?

- Stop it! - Those crossword puzzles.

- Shall I get some popcorn? - Great.

- Can I get you a bag? - That'd be great. I can't believe...

Have I become insufferable?

You look very happy. Confident and radiant.

- Lee! How are you? - Hi, Jack! How are you?

Robin Simon! I'm so excited to see you in person!

- Oh, thank you! - I love your show.

- You're a great broadcaster. - Aren't you sweet?

- Listen, God bless you. - God bless you.

You're so radiant.

Oh, thank you. You know, it's luck, Lee.

No matter what the shrinks or the pundits or the books tell you.

When it comes to love, it's luck.

Well, I... I guess...

I'm glad you've been lucky.

- You with anyone? - No, not at the moment.

- What are you working on? - The same.

- A novel? A screenplay? - Well, actually, I...

I did a huge interview at the old actors' home, which was touching.

My Uncle Willie's here. He asked about the autograph.

- Oh, God. - We did a segment

- from Charlie Manson's jail cell. - So interesting.

We promised my nephew Ricky an autograph.

- Oh, dear. - Next time we're in California.

- There you go. - Thanks. I don't wanna hold you up.

No, it's OK.

You know, it's really...

- Very nice to... - Great to see you.

- Thank you. - It really is great to see you.

Hope you catch a break.