All language subtitles for Celebrity.1998.1080p.BluRay.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]ENG

Let's go, people! Letters are fading.
Larry, we have five seconds.

- How's the placement of the letters?
- Fine. Did you keep that in shot?

OK, Hal. Where's Hal?

I can hold it
for a few more seconds...

Can we get first team on set?
The letters are fading.

Come on, guys, we gotta go.
She looks great.

Come on. Please, please.

Quick review, Nicole. You get out of
the car, run up past the sculpture,

you see the skywriting says, "Help",

and you realise everything has gone
wrong and you can't believe it.

But everything's chaos now, so what
I need you to project is despair.

- I need...
- We're losing it.

OK. So, what I need from you, I
wanna feel the whole human condition.

Lock it up!

Yo, yo! Yo!

- Could you stop for five minutes?
- What's that say, "Help"?

- Roll camera!
- Camera's rolling!

- Speed!
- A little higher.

Scene 121, take one. Mark!

And action!

Faster, faster, faster.

You're moving like a zombie. Come on!
Yes, OK, hit the mark. Look up.

Come on, come on, and... Good.

Cut! We cut! Thank you, everyone.

Thank you so much, that was amazing.

Your body language, it's just
emotional, everything you do.

Now I know why you get the big bucks,
cos you make me look so great!

I have Camp David here.
It's about the ring.

Mary, you're on with Nicole.

Hello?

- Sorry to bug you on the phone...
- Should I sign the thing?

- My voucher?
- Sure. Daniel, can we get a voucher?

- Did they get the shot?
- Yeah.

Wardrobe, right?
This is our wardrobe?

Where do I know you from?
I know you, right? I mean...

Thanks.

Chippers, in Soho. I waited on you.

Well, what a great memory. That was,
like, a couple of months ago.

But I remember the face
for sure, and...

- And you're an actress.
- I'm an extra. A face in the crowd.

I'm gonna get my sweatshirt.

So, er, when do you get off work?

Was that gorgeous black girl you came
with that night your girlfriend?

That was a guy in drag.
What are you talking about?

- Whatever it was, it was beautiful.
- I was interviewing.

I did a piece on transvestites,
which is why you saw my girlfriend.

Well, in answer to your question,

if you're ever in the neighbourhood,
I get off around midnight.

Oh, you need a...

- Excuse me, can I borrow...
- Yeah, sure.

Tell me how close I am.

You are from rich parents,
you're seeing a shrink,

and you're dyslexic, right?

Thanks.

- Well... That was good.
- I try.

My father's wealthy,
I am seeing a shrink,

and I'm an insomniac,
so you're in the ballpark.

When you waited on us,
you had this amazing look.

I thought,
"Boy, trouble for somebody!"

I think I dreamt about you. Really,
I remember your face. Who wouldn't?

Do me a favour, sign your voucher.

- Thanks.
- Thanks.

- Lee!
- Excuse me.

Over here.

Sandy, you send those truffles
to the president.

Seven o'clock, tomorrow morning,
in the park. Thank you.

- Nicole, here he is.
- I'm sorry.

- Are you ready for our t�te-�-t�te?
- Yes, I have everything at hand.

- Bill Gaines. Nicole's press agent.
- Oh, great.

Look, if you could,
let's not dwell on the bulimia.

Really, this is about
lots of things.

You promised you'd show me
where you grew up.

I did.

- It's great that we can do this.
- It is great.

It's so kind of you to show me.

A lot of people get
kind of nervous about this stuff.

Hello?

Hello, I'm sorry to disturb you.
This lady used to live here.

As a child.

She's Nicole Oliver,
she's a great actress.

- What do you want?
- He's writing an article about me,

and I wanted to show him
where I used to live.

Like, for five minutes.
It would be great for the magazine.

- Come in and look around.
- Thank you, this is great.

- Look at how tiny her feet are.
- Yeah.

This is where it began. Did you have
feet like that when you were here?

This is... I guess...
strange for you, I guess?

It's changed, I think.

- I hope it's changed.
- It feels like it's smaller.

Smaller? That often happens.

How long have you lived here?

Never mind. Do you think
we could go upstairs?

- That'd be great.
- Whatever you want.

- Is that OK?
- I don't care.

- Great. Thank you, thank you.
- Thank you.

I had this whole wall here plastered
with movie star photos.

- Really?
- Yeah.

And I would dream about being in
a movie with Warren Beatty.

- Nice dream.
- Yeah.

And I remember I used to lay on my
bed naked, and watch my body develop.

- Naked.
- And I would pray...

that my breasts and my legs
would be beautiful,

so that I could be an actress.

You cut a very erotic figure
reclining like that, I have to say.

Well, fortunately
I did mature quickly.

I remember my brothers used to
spy on me when I was taking a shower,

or they would rub
themselves up against me.

I empathise with them,
totally. Really.

Please.

- No?
- No. Married.

- Happily?
- Very.

OK.

I'm not saying that we don't have to
work at it.

You have to work at it if you want
fidelity in your relationship.

Have you ever given way to unbridled
lust in this room

and really let yourself go
in a big way?

I can't sleep with you.

You can't sleep with me. I know that.

Understand that I had to...

The proximity is thrilling
and irresistible.

I'm not saying that
I don't find you attractive.

- You're very kind.
- I find you very attractive.

There are certain things that I won't
do to my husband out of commitment.

I hear you.

I could never have intercourse with
anyone other than Phil.

My body belongs to my husband.

I understand, and I...

What I do from the neck up,
that's a different story.

So, after your nomination you formed
a production company, right?

Right. You have to develop
your own projects.

You cannot imagine the amount
of crap that I get sent.

- Plus, I would like to direct.
- Really?

I don't wanna be pushy, but I have
a screenplay which I've written

and it occurred to me today
that it might be perfect for you.

- Yeah?
- Really.

Right now it's a vehicle for a man,

but it could so easily be
rewritten for a woman.

- What's it about?
- It's an armoured car robbery,

but with a very strong
personal crisis.

- Who would I play?
- You'd be a guard on the car.

It needs a rewrite, but there's room
for a real feminist statement.

I know you're very active
politically.

I think it could work so well.
I've been working on it for a year

and I can't make any real progress
unless a star is involved,

and someone like you, it would be...

- Have you given it to any actors?
- Yeah, but their agents turn it down

because I have no track record
as a screenwriter,

although the script has had
a terrific reaction from people.

- Let me think about it.
- Really?

Great, cos I wanna be...
I think you'd enjoy it.

- No, no, no. Let me think about it.
- Sure.

He's coming! Come this way,
everybody! Come this way, everybody!

- It's him! Come on!
- Oh, my gosh!

We watch you every Sunday on TV!

- We wouldn't miss it for the world!
- Good to see you.

- Are you gonna stay here long?
- As long as I can, yes.

Father Gladden is our special guest,
direct from TV.

My daughter just got a prize
at school for her charity work.

- She'd love an autograph from you.
- Entrance into the kingdom of God

is determined by our response
to the neighbour in need.

- I don't know what I'm doing here.
- Relax!

I was exactly that way at first.

Yeah, but my room is so spare.
You know, with a Bible?

- And the water is brown.
- I told the handyman.

I know what you're going through!

When my husband left me
for his secretary, I was lost.

Someone said,
"You were raised a Catholic,

"how could you even
contemplate a hit man?"

- They told me about this retreat.
- I'm not religious.

You think I led a religious life?

I've had two divorces
and two abortions.

But just to take a break from
the chaos of the city to reflect.

No, no. I mean, the water
comes out brown in my room.

And the bed, it's so hard.

You've had a trauma. Psychotherapy
hasn't helped, pills haven't helped.

What you need is time and quiet.
Your emotions have to settle.

Thought of going back to teaching.
Completely lost my taste for it.

Simplify.

Who would you say is more popular -
the Pope or Elvis Presley?

I don't think there's any doubt.
Elvis, you think?

Did you agree with The Beatles
at the height of their fame

that they were bigger stars
than Jesus?

- World population was less then...
- May I have your autograph?

The food is the worst. What is this?

I don't know. Shoe leather?

- You don't have to eat it.
- I asked for it rare.

- I know, but you don't like meat.
- I specifically said rare.

I told them twice.
I said, "Not overdone".

We're not here to enjoy ourselves.

- Eat it anyway. Eat something else.
- No.

- The macaroni and cheese is good.
- Would you like my piece? It's rare.

Well, that's very nice of you.
Are you sure?

- Sure.
- OK.

See, I can't eat steak
that's not rare.

Oh, doesn't that look nice?

It started out as a hobby,

but I get so many requests
I can't turn 'em out quick enough.

They're all genuine ceramic,

and we got this rubber bulb here.

You squeeze this, wash it with
some washable red vegetable dye,

give it a squeeze, you can
make his wounds bleed. Watch.

Isn't that somethin'?

- Do you like the country?
- Yes, very much.

I was brought up
in a Catholic school,

so I have moments of nostalgia.

Well, sure. Let your soul wander,

and if the miracles of nature

should lead to intimations
of something larger...

Just try and have an open heart.

OK. There wouldn't be any ticks
around here, would there?

- I'd hate to get Lyme disease.
- We've had no casualties so far.

- Oh, good.
- Would you excuse me?

Yes. Bye.

What do you mean, a divorce?

- Divorce... Try and understand.
- Why?

It's not you, it's me, I have to...

- Pull the car over.
- Robin, we should...

Pull the fucking car over!

Jesus! Will you just calm down?

Robin, wait! Robin!

Robin, where are you going?
That's not safe! Robin!

Robin, come on, are you crazy? This
is dangerous. We can't talk here.

You met someone else?

- I knew you'd think that.
- You have. You're lying.

I haven't.

Then why? After 16 fine years?
Why now a divorce?

It's me. I'm confused. I wanna go
in a different direction.

- If you're confused, see a doctor.
- I've done that!

Oh, that's news! What other surprises
have you got in store for me?

This was not an easy decision.

You've met someone!
Nobody just ups and goes.

You know, we got married so young,
there was no time for living!

- Change for what?
- All we know is each other!

So who else do you wanna explore?
Allison?

Why Allison?

Your hands were touching
in the station wagon.

- I don't believe this!
- You didn't pull yours away!

- You're having an affair!
- Not an affair! I just...

- Well, you slept with her.
- That's why I want a divorce.

- To marry Allison?
- No! Because I can't be dishonest

and I have been, I don't wanna do it.

- Who else?
- Nobody else!

OK. Lee, tell me.

Now that we're clearing the air,
I won't get angry.

Lee, come on.

Let's just...
Let's just clear the air.

I won't get angry.

- Aren't you cold?
- We're clearing the air.

I'm not gonna get angry.

Sheila...

Sheila? Sheila?!

Oh, you lowlife motherfucker!

- That's my best friend!
- I can't talk to you!

It's not about women, it's about
my life that I'm depressed.

- Your life with me.
- I hate my work, the travel pieces.

I tried to bring this up with you
but you're so high strung.

We can't talk! It's over,
you know? I'm not happy!

I'm not happy!

Robin? Robin, are you OK?

Robin. Robin, are you OK?

No. But I will be.

Were you conscious
of wanting to shock people?

It's one of my best collections. I'm
really pleased the way it turned out.

I'm so glad you could make it.

- Let's talk next week.
- It was an inspired idea.

I had no idea that they use runways.

Hell of a job. Take care.
Nice seeing you.

I love the skyline,
it enhances my collection.

It's such a fantastic backdrop
for what you're trying to achieve.

It would be great
to talk more about this.

Come next week, we'll have lunch
and I'll show you my operation.

- Do you mind if we talk now?
- Sure, no problem. OK.

Hey. Nice car.

Thank... I... Would you wanna drive
it? Because it's a terrific...

- It's yours?
- What am I, a car thief?

It's an Aston Martin.
You're so welcome, because it's...

You're wearing a wig! Which is, er...

- Camouflage.
- Really?

- Give me the keys.
- Thank you.

You look much longer-haired.

You got enough room?

OK.

Not too fast, because
the steering's a little, er...

- It's like flying a plane.
- It's a 1967 Aston Martin.

It cost a small fortune, then I had
them put the wheel on the left.

Do you wanna go for a drink?

Oh! I promised a friend
that I would go to his opening.

Wait, do you know
the painter Bruce Bishop?

- I've seen his work.
- He's a genius!

- Really?
- We'll go to the party...

- Yeah?
- Then we'll have a drink afterwards.

- Really? Great!
- OK.

Great.

Oscar gets this commission to do
this clocktower in the shopping mall,

and what does he propose?

An eight-storey penis!
I'm not kidding.

These are gorgeous. Congratulations.

- An eight-storey penis?
- This little town in Kansas...

Farmers driving their families
to church past this giant erection.

Oh, look. Darling!

- How are you?
- Thank you so much for coming.

- It's a pleasure.
- I'm in trouble.

Congratulations.
Lee Simons. This is amazing.

They don't get it. The more
I think about it, the worse it is.

Either you get my work or you don't,

but don't buy my fucking paintings
to be "in".

Yes!

Buy them only if you have to have
a Bruce Bishop. It's all image.

- It's... 100 per cent.
- Bruce, calm down.

- No, but he's right.
- Bruce, calm down.

- We should go, because...
- Are you a Libran?

- I'm a Sagittarius.
- That's why you're so impatient.

I'm so attracted to Sagittarians,
but they're so impatient.

Excuse me, would you sign this?

- I use your exercise tape.
- You do?

- So do I.
- But I exercise to it.

- I can see that, you look lovely.
- We should probably just, you know.

- We should get away and have some...
- You really wanna do that?

...quiet time.

- How are you?
- You look gorgeous!

- But these people are just insane.
- Completely.

So who did you see?

I'm gonna get my drink.
I'll be right back.

You're so quiet.

I... I was just thinking.

You are the most beautiful creature
I've ever seen.

I mean, every curve in your body
fulfils its promise.

If the universe has any meaning
at all, I'm looking at it.

- You're so sweet.
- You're perfect.

Do you have any flaws?

I'm agog with...

- Physically?
- Any way. To me, you're a miracle.

I don't usually drool in my date's
salad, I'm not usually like this.

Well, I'm polymorphously perverse.

It's not a flaw.
It's just a weakness.

Polymorphously perverse meaning?

Meaning every part of my body is...
well, gives me sexual pleasure.

Meaning?

Meaning every part of me
gives me erotic pleasure.

And how sensitive does that make you?

Well, if you touch my thighs,
my hands, my neck, my kneecaps, I...

I'm orgasmic.

Where did you learn this?

It's Dionysian.

A Greek taught it to me.
Now I can't get rid of it.

It's not a flaw, just a weakness.

So, you know, if I...
See if I can get this right.

If I touch your hand, I take it,
I just stroke it, I would...

Stroke it like this and you, er...

Oh, my God.
OK, we should get outta here.

I'll get the check, I'll just get
the coat and we can take your, uh...

Come on, we're gonna go dancing.

- Dancing? That's great!
- I can't dance.

- We'll dance!
- I can't.

- Everybody can dance! Let's dance.
- Yeah, I'll get the check.

Oh, God, I know I've made a lot of
blasphemous remarks and atheist jokes

but that was just her hand!

- Shit!
- What is it? What is it?

I need echinacea right away.

What is echinacea?

You take it at
the first sign of a cold.

Well, why don't we go and find some?
Let's leave!

It's too late
for a health store to be open.

- I know an all-night drugstore.
- They won't have it.

I have none at home.
I have to go to Milan tomorrow.

Yes! Echi...

Ecchymosis?

No, I told you, it's an herb.

Yeah. That's because
I can't hear you!

It's an herb!

So I couldn't find any echinacea.

You need some echinacea?

- You have some?
- I always carry some.

He's got some.

- So, where to?
- It's OK, we should get home.

- You gotta fly to Milan tomorrow.
- No, it's OK.

Don't wanna eat?
Stuff a cold, starve a fever?

Really, that's OK. Incidentally,
I think you're a tremendous athlete,

you must have
the most enormous future.

- This your car?
- Yes, it's an Aston Martin.

It's a very old car, they cost
a fortune. I used to have a Volvo.

I'll give you a call
when we come back to play the Knicks.

Let me give you my number.

You know, you are amazing.

I notice that men just stare at you.
Women stare at you.

It's incredible.

- I used to live with a woman.
- Really?

Yeah. A beautiful,
young German model.

The looks we used to get
when we were dancing together.

But you prefer men?

Usually.

Well, that's... That's great.

You're not afraid of catching germs?
I'm coming down with a cold.

From you, I'd be willing
to catch terminal cancer.

- My place or yours?
- Whichever would make you happier.

My place. I have a mirror
on my wall by my bed.

You have a mirror. Sure.

Oh, my God! I am so sorry!

- You're OK? You're not bleeding?
- No. I'm just a little shaken!

Christ! What were you thinking?

You know, God, I hope the police
don't give me a balloon test.

I can't be in the papers connected
with some drunk-driving accident!

- I'm not drunk! My eyes were...
- The tabloids will kill me!

I just signed a huge
personal endorsement

- with a big cosmetic company!
- I'm sorry, but my eye was...

I gotta go. I'm gonna get a cab.

- I'll take you home, because we...
- Are you crazy?

Look at your Aston Martin!

I can claim it in the morning.
I wanted to see your mirror.

Lee, you can't leave
the scene of an accident.

This is a bad neighbourhood.
You should really...

I'll be fine! I'm a black belt.

What if you're...
What if you're bleeding internally?

It was nice to meet you.

Fuckin' cold!

Rain!

Excuse me, I've been waiting
over two hours.

- Dr Lupus does know you're here.
- I can't wait any longer.

- If you prefer to reschedule...
- No, no, no, no.

- I've had my appointment since June.
- I've been waiting a year.

I know a woman who sold
her appointment for $3,000.

Oh, my God.

If I'm gonna have anyone touch me,
I want the best.

Ever since that Newsweek article,
we're overrun.

- Nurse, please.
- Dr Lupus...

Oh, very interesting.
I could work with that.

- Miss Lipton in seven.
- Yeah.

It really is worth the wait.
The man is an artist.

Dr Lupus, hello. I'm a little
concerned about my jowls.

- They'll go. Some of this neck, too.
- The neck?

Excuse me, please.

No, no. Those eyes have to be wider,

and we got to get rid
of that double chin.

My dream would be to look like
Pearl Chavez, the fiery half-breed.

Duel In The Sun? We'll make them
think you have Indian blood.

Thank you.

- I don't know what I'm doing here.
- It was terrific of you to see us.

- You're one of my special people.
- Do I need a makeover?

- Why be less than perfect?
- These eyes. Can we do anything?

- I see what you mean, they're beady.
- Beady? I don't know.

- I told her you're a genius.
- I read the Newsweek article.

- What about your lips? Fuller?
- Fuller?

Unless you prefer
that cold, stressful look.

- Are they too thin?
- We won't make it noticeable.

Well, noticeable but not artificial.

- Doctor, the cameras are here.
- Thank you, nurse.

Network's doing a feature on me.

We're in the plush Park Avenue office

of the man called
the Michelangelo of Manhattan.

Ignore the camera, Doc.

What about your breasts and buttocks?

With the skill of a great sculptor,
unsightly flesh is suctioned away,

until all that remains is youth -
or the illusion of youth.

- I'm outta here.
- No, please.

Outside, in the waiting room,

anxious faces wait their turn
for a transmogrification...

I'm sorry. The doctor
doesn't do penis enlargements.

- We don't have the space.
- We're talking about three inches.

Renowned socialite Pinky Virdon

uses the VIP entrance
reserved for the few

who do not have to plan aeons
in advance for an appointment.

I'm not blaming you,
but I have to go.

OK, I'll go and get your coat,
we'll go out the side exit.

- The side exit? OK.
- I'll be right back.

The waiting room's round the corner,

so get some comments from the women
and the nurses, too.

Excuse me, I'm sorry for disturbing
you, I've got a whole crew here.

- Dr Lupus said...
- Yeah, I was just leaving.

He did a terrific job on you,
you look great.

Well... Are my lips too thin?

Not for me. Whatever
he charged you, it was worth it.

Thanks for the vote of confidence.

I'm Tony Gardella. I'm producing
the feature for News At Noon.

- And you are?
- Robin Simon.

- And what do you do?
- I'm a schoolteacher.

Schoolteacher? Great, so you saved
your money, invested it here,

and now you're a knockout.

No, I've only come
for a consultation.

- He hasn't done anything to me.
- Really?

Well, for whatever it's worth,
from a stranger,

I wouldn't change a freckle.

Well, thank you.

I have always depended on
the kindness of strangers.

- So...
- Well. I'd better get to, um...

- doin' this thing, huh?
- Yeah. Back to work.

- Yeah, bye.
- Bye.

Listen, forgive me, but, um,
are you married, or anything?

If not, what are you doing later?

- Later when?
- Six o'clock.

- Why?
- Wanna go to a screening?

- A screening?
- There's a new John Papadakis film.

I have to go. I thought maybe
you'd like to go along.

I...

No.

Thank you very much, but I can't.

See, I don't go
to the films very often

and I actually haven't
heard of that director.

- Well...
- Thanks so much for thinking of me.

- She'll be very happy to go.
- This is my, um...

Accepting for Ms Simon,
her friend, Cheryl.

So, tell me, are you friendly
with your ex-husband?

We would be now, if we met. That's
the mark of the age of psychotherapy.

Everybody's so
sophisticated and mature.

Hi, how are you?

At least you're not still angry.

No, no, no. That phase is over.

There comes a time when you have
to stop tantruming and move on.

Champagne tastes like
it was made yesterday.

You think so? I kinda liked it.
I'm feeling a little light-headed.

I wish I was light-headed.
I hate theses screenings.

- Do you?
- I'd rather be in a real audience.

I feel I should know who all these
people are, but I'm so out of touch.

All right. See that guy? That's
Papadakis, the director of the film.

- Oh, yes?
- He's very arty, pretentious.

One of those assholes who shoots
all his films in black and white.

Tom Dale. Big star.

He's in New York filming an
adaptation of a sequel of a remake.

Oh, and getting out of the elevator,
I see there's a famous critic.

- Him I recognise.
- He used to hate every movie.

Then he married a young, big-bosomed
woman, now he loves every movie.

God, I am so out of touch.

Can I get you a refill?

Oh, yes. What the hell? Why not?

If I could think of what to do,
I would never think of teaching.

- Work for me.
- As what?

All I'm good at is Chaucer.

Well, we have a cooking show.
You could do Great Writer's Recipes.

Chaucer's Fettucini With Clam Sauce,
Sir Walter Raleigh's Gazpacho.

No, that's OK.

But I'm glad you asked me out,
I'm having a very nice...

- What's the matter?
- Lee.

- Who's Lee?
- My husband.

- Your husband?
- God, I don't wanna see him here.

- You said it was no problem.
- Stand there.

- All right, all right.
- No, no, no!

- What?
- Talk to me, act natural.

- Would you like...
- More to the left!

Oh, God! He's gonna see me.

Where are you going? Robin?

- Is he there?
- I don't know who he is.

- Is he going in?
- There's a blond guy.

Is that who I think it is? Robin?
Robin! What are you doing here?

- Robin!
- I'm looking for my earring.

I dropped my earring.

Bonnie, this is Robin,
Robin, this is Bonnie. How are you?

- How am I?
- How are you?

You mean now?
You mean my physical health?

- Well, whatever.
- Well, I'm a little thirsty, but...

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

- I just have to... Oh, dear.
- I guess we won't have a drink.

- We'll go in.
- We'll see you in there.

We'll catch you inside.
Nice to see you.

- Are you going to be all right?
- I should never drink.

His use of all these flashbacks
and slow motion is a bit pretentious.

Can you believe
that harlot he's with?

- Do you think she's pretty?
- Well, I, you know.

She's probably one of
those porn channel outcalls,

you dial a number
if you need an escort.

Escort, I mean, really!

"Deep massage," they say,
but that's bullshit.

Probably dial 588-PUSSY!

I think she's an editor
for Random House.

How could you have slept with Sheila,
my best friend? You found her bovine!

His word - bovine.

Am I lying? Did you not say
Sheila was a v�che hollandaise?

Well, didn't you?

Am I lying?

You know you're a sick woman? You're
a sick woman, that's what you are!

Yeah, OK. OK.

- I'm sorry.
- It's OK.

I lost control.

I guess you're still
in love with him.

Guess I am. Good night.

- Think about what I said.
- About what?

- About coming to work for me.
- Oh, that's a fantasy.

Hey, you're bright, you could learn.

My company's getting into a lot of
new areas. You could grow with us.

Too inhibited.

- It's a shame.
- I'm sorry.

Bye.

- Did you like the movie?
- I hate this director, Papadakis.

It's one clich� after another.

When you see the scripts that get
made, I just find it so depressing.

Were you upset over
that run-in with your ex?

She's an hysteric.
I'm so lucky that I got out.

Tonight was proof positive,
if I needed proof.

It sounds like
you're protesting too much.

My class reunion
was the defining moment for me.

- How's that?
- I went to a class reunion.

Take my advice - don't ever do it.

- Doris! How are you?
- You look great!

- This is Nat.
- Hi, Nat. So, what are you up to?

- I work for an importer. And you?
- I write for a travel magazine.

- You must get a lot of free travel.
- Tell me about it.

Our 727 crash landing in Dubrovnik!

- Eddie!
- Look what the cat dragged in!

- This is Lenore, my wife.
- Pleased to meet you.

- What are you up to?
- We got four kids, two on the way.

What do you do when
you're not procreating?

I forget.

I'm a dentist. That's it.
Have you seen Jay Tepper over there?

- I don't believe this.
- Lee, how are you?

- What are you doing these days?
- I'm hangin' in there.

Still running track
and killing the girls?

I'm long married.

This is Marion, speaking of married.

- Where is your wife?
- She has shingles.

Psychological.

- You're not a shrink?
- No, I'm not. I'm a psychoanalyst.

Psychoanalyst? Can you believe that?

- Give me a call.
- Give you a call?

Monroe Gordon
and his lovely wife, Dana.

Monroe, whom you remember
as Nathan Detroit

in our production of Guys And Dolls,

and who has gone on to a highly
successful singing career.

Broadway,

Atlantic City, Carlton's Restaurant
off the Sunrise Highway...

and the Sunrise Lounge.

Monroe's going to sing a song
that was made very popular

during our high school years.

What happened to all my classmates?

Everyone's so mature-looking
and overweight.

I didn't age that much.

Unless I did and I can't see it.

All these dentists and veterinarians
and antique dealers.

Capped teeth and bald heads,
grey hairs coming in.

Sam Jablon has that rug on.

It looks like it fell on his head
from a window and nobody told him.

Some dead already. Annette DeAngelo,

breasts I once caressed
lying cold in the ground.

God, how I wanted to sleep
with Polly Weiss.

Now she's turned into her mother.

And Freddie Kaplan's my age! He could
be my father's pinochle partner.

I'm fucking Prufrock!

I gotta change my life
before it's too late.

Pardon me?

I'm not happy, Jay.

I married too young.

Neither of us had the chance
to live, to explore.

Lee, these aren't exactly
my office hours.

I'm talking to you, Jay,
while there's still time.

I just turned 40,
I don't wanna look up at 50

and find I measured out my fuckin'
life with a coffee spoon.

Try and relax.

And, er... put the vodka down.

I mean, Robin's lovely, you know,
she's a little neurotic, but...

I don't wanna spend my life
the husband of a schoolteacher

writing the occasional
travel piece and...

and never knowing what it's like

to make love to that amazing,
sleazy blonde

that's married to Monroe Gordon.

And the truth is

that Robin is dull in bed.

Fucking Catholic inhibitions.

Maybe I don't excite her enough
any more.

You see, I don't know
what the truth is any more.

- I don't know.
- Listen to me. Are you in treatment?

One minute you're in the lunchroom
at Glenwood High.

You blink and you're 40, blink again
and you can see movies at half price

on a senior citizen's pass.

Ask not for whom the bell tolls.

Or, to put it more accurately,

ask not for whom the toilet flushes.

Where were you
while we were making love?

You know, in high school
I was Class Writer.

That's why I keep telling you.

Forget that screenplay
and get back to your novel.

- Too inhibited.
- You'll never get over bad reviews?

My two novels were dismissed,
it was brutal.

Maybe after I sell a screenplay.
Film is where it's at.

Who reads book any more, anyhow?
Kids are into cinema.

- I don't believe that, nor do you.
- Why are you getting dressed?

Going home. Isn't that what you want?

No... I don't know what I want.

You're the only one who makes
any sense to me since my divorce.

I'm not looking for someone
to make sense to.

I want somebody
to become irrational over me.

Maybe after I sell
my armoured car robbery script

I'll get back to
something more serious.

Philip's having some people
for dinner next week.

- I'd love you to come.
- Philip Datloff?

Yeah, he's sweet.

An editor of his stature? He'd make
me feel guilty that I wasn't writing.

I want you two to meet.

I won't know what to say.

So what's your novel about?

I don't have a novel.

He does. He has pages he's worked on
for over a year. He's terrific.

Bonnie is a very gifted editor.
I'm grooming her for my job.

I didn't have the emotional energy
required to finish it.

How many people read it?
A film reaches millions.

It is not energy. It's confidence.
Apparently his first two books...

The three S's - self-indulgent,
sophomoric, solipsistic.

If every writer who suffered
bad press caved in...

- You're too thin-skinned.
- God, that's VJ Rajnipal.

- Excuse me.
- Philip's his editor.

What am I doing here? He won the
Nobel Prize, and totally deserved!

I'm out of my league!
I'm awash in self-contempt.

You know that Irwin Shaw wrote
the best anti-war play ever?

And he got it all into one act.

He was an idol of mine.

When I was in high school
I read The Eighty Yard Run,

and I wept, I just cried in class.

That story made me want to write.
That and some pieces by Saroyan.

- Saroyan? You love him too?
- I love the plays, the essays.

When I think of Irwin Shaw, I think
of The Girls In Their Summer Dresses.

That title is better than
most people's short stories.

- It's so elegant, economic.
- The best.

It's thrilling prose. It's terrific.

My book is about the values
of a society gone astray.

A culture badly in need of help.

A country that gives a kid who can
barely read or write

a $100 million contract
to play basketball?

A murder trial or who's sleeping
with the president is show business?

Everything is show business!

I'm getting shrill. I get so nervous
when I talk about my novel.

You have to finish it.

Screenplays have their place, but
there's nothing like a serious book.

Exactly my point.

In Red Letter Day, I touched on
these themes but I was too green.

I remember Red Letter Day.
I reviewed it for The Times.

- Oh?
- It was extremely...

half-baked, laboured.

Solipsistic.

There was no energy. It was trivial.

You don't mind my being frank?

Are you OK?

The rest of them
should be here pretty soon.

Let's not take all day,
I've got plans later.

This way, Mr Adelman.

- Counsellor! Nice to have you back.
- It's a pleasure.

- Put him in the Green Room.
- You're from the ACLU, right?

- Can I get you anything?
- I'm expecting Roger Lewis to call.

- Can I have it put through?
- Of course.

These gentlemen are from
the South Carolina Klan.

I'll make sure your call
gets put through.

Minister Polynice! The Attorney and
the Klansmen are in the Green Room.

Is there time for a sandwich
before we go on?

Robin, can I see you in my office?

Mary... Margaret, I'm so sorry.

Attorney Adelman
is expecting a call from the ACLU...

- Hi, I'm Dawn Dawson.
- Dawn Dawson?

The teenage obese acrobat.
I had an appointment.

Robin! Why is the teenage
obese acrobat here today?

- You said the 14th.
- Overweight Achievers?

- I gave out the wrong date!
- You said the 14th.

I am so sorry.
Excuse me, the skinheads are here.

I don't know where to put them.

What about the lounge?
We'll put them with Rabbi Kaufman.

- It's just down the corner...
- Hey! Where's my makeup man?

I'm a lawyer. You expect me
to go on without makeup?

It's a madhouse. I gave
the overweight guests the wrong date.

- Come here.
- I'm so sorry.

- I really screwed up, I'm so sorry.
- I've been watching you all morning.

- And I can't take my eyes off you.
- Oh, no.

I mean it, I can't get this past
weekend in Bermuda out of my mind.

- There's a lot going on out there.
- Priorities. Never...

...confuse priorities.
- Oh, my God!

Hello. I'm Professor Benz.
We're here for the taping.

I'm so sorry, I really
have to apologise for her.

Overweight Achievers
is next week. Sorry. OK?

- Who are you?
- Lou DeMarco.

- Who?
- Who?

I'm the uncle of Tony Lipriano
from the Genovese family, that's who.

Mr DeMarco, our Cosa Nostra show
is next week.

- She told me today!
- I know, I'm sorry.

I can't be here next week.
I'm being deported Thursday.

- Didn't we do Sally's show together?
- We're going back a long time.

- I only had two murders then.
- You're with William Morris?

Where are the bagels?
The skinheads eat the bagels already?

Robin, would you like to interview
this professional woman

for that panel on lovemaking
next Tuesday?

Right, what's the show called?

Working Girls Born And Raised
In Manhattan. I'm Nina.

- Nina. Right. OK, great.
- OK.

Bye. So, you're actually a hooker?

Yeah, that's right.

Tony, you finally got here.
Traffic that bad?

I told you it would be heavy traffic.
I knew it.

Hey, Grandma, look who's here!
Your favourite grandson.

- Hi, Tony. Hi, Tony.
- Hi, Grandma.

This is Robin, everybody.

- How are you?
- My sister, Iris.

- Hello.
- Nice to meet you.

Tony's a doll.
You know he got us this house?

- Show her the house.
- Mom, stop it.

So, the problem is,
there's a waiting list

to get Grandpa into the nursing home.

It's the only home I trust,
all the others are toilets.

But this one, he'd be taken care of,
but there's a waiting list.

So maybe if you called, we would
tell 'em it's for you, for Grandpa.

You know, use your name. Then maybe
they'll move him up on the list.

- We could try, Pop.
- I'd appreciate it. He needs it.

Tony, Tony...
Talk to him about this table.

Grandma!

I wanna take Iris to Le Bijou
for her birthday dinner.

It's impossible to get into, and no
decent table that's not out the back.

Excuse me, there is
a six-month waiting list.

- I'll have Mary make a call.
- As long as it's convenient.

- Is that all you think about, food?
- Try that.

When are you gonna get
my season ticket upgraded?

What am I, Don Corleone?

Not for me, brother,
it's for your nephew.

Ricky, come here.

I want you to tell Grandma
who came and spoke at your school.

- You had a guest speaker?
- Yeah, John Brennan.

- Nice!
- The hostage guy?

- You don't know John Brennan?
- The hostage, you remember.

- Never heard of him.
- They hijacked his plane.

They held him for months, right?

- Grandma's not gonna know this.
- Daddy, you remember?

- It was in all the papers.
- In the papers, on TV, everything.

They finally released him, he got
this hero's welcome. He's famous!

What's he famous for?
For being captured?

- Yeah!
- Why is he a hero?

It's no feat to get captured!

Your family's crazy about you.

Well, they've never
had much of anything

and my success has made
so many things possible.

Guess that's why I'm so driven
professionally.

Lovely.

It's fun to be able to do things
for people you love.

Did you ever think that you might
want a family of your own?

Oh, yeah, I would.
I'm surprised you don't have one.

Well, you know. At the beginning
we were young, not much money.

Then, as time went on, Lee became a
little edgy whenever I brought it up.

Well, how big a family would you like
if we were ever to get married?

Oh, you know. I'm just waiting
for the other shoe to drop.

- What does that mean?
- Well, you know.

It means, um,
you can't be this perfect.

You didn't just walk into my life in
a doctor's office with no drawbacks.

Any minute I'm gonna discover
you have a wife.

Or you had one, but
you chopped her up with a hatchet.

Don't you fuckin'
walk away from me like that!

- Get away from me!
- It's all your fuckin' lying, bitch!

What the fuck?
Do you wanna ruin this?

You wanna fuckin' ruin
our relationship?

I'm sick of this bullshit!

Fuck you!

Tell her to get the fuck out
of our fuckin' lives!

I'm sick of it!
I'm tired of this bullshit!

- I can't take it any more!
- You're so paranoid!

I fuckin' love you! Tell her
to get the fuck out of our lives!

Baby, I love you. Don't fuckin'
do this to me, all right?

- Don't you fuckin' do this.
- Stop it.

Don't you fuckin' walk away. Don't
fuckin' walk away from me, you bitch!

There's a fight on the 11th floor.

- A fight?
- Where?

- 1102.
- That's Brandon Darrow.

- He does it every time.
- I called security.

Somebody's gotta get up there.

Come on! Hurry!
He's trying to hurt me!

Get in there!

- Excuse me, what's going on?
- Get outta here.

Whatever that bitch told you,
she's lying.

- I'm security.
- I'm gonna call my fuckin' lawyer!

Get the fuck outta here!

He tried to throw me out the window!

- Bitch! Don't you fuckin' lie!
- Take it easy.

- Keep him away!
- Take it easy.

Get your fucking hands off me.

Look. Easy, pal. Easy, pal.

I have an appointment with Mr Darrow.

Get your hand off my neck!
I hate this hotel!

- This bitch is lying!
- I'm Lee Simon, you read my script.

If your friend tries to plant coke
on me again, I'll kill you!

- I'm Lee Simon.
- What the fuck do you want, buddy?

He tried to throw me out the window
and throw my clothes out.

Don't bullshit strangers, bitch.
I'm not high, look at my eyes.

That's all right.
I never make moral judgments, so...

- What was your name?
- Nicole Oliver gave you my script.

It's about an armoured car robbery,
there's a strong subplot.

I'm gonna sue all you motherfuckers,
I'm gonna sue this fleabag hotel.

- What's going on?
- A little domestic.

It's time I get a little respect
around here!

- Shut up!
- Fuck you!

- Shut the hell up!
- A little domestic problem.

This guy?

He tried to throw me out the window.

That's physical enough for me.

Her friend tried to plant dope on me.

- Let's go downtown.
- You can talk to my people.

- Who are you?
- Lee Simon. We have a meeting.

Not right now. Later, maybe.

We had a meeting scheduled
and you know, it's important.

30 seconds would help.

Come on, ladies! Back it up!

We can have a brief conversation and
establish everything that we need.

Can we get these guys back, please?

- Get out of the way!
- Make room!

- Brandon, is tomorrow good for you?
- Clear the way!

Wait!

Wait! Wait! Don't take him away!

Call Irv Klein. Get him downtown,
all right? I'll be out an hour.

- John! Hold them back.
- Please! He didn't do anything!

I don't think you should hold him.
The hotel has no problem with this.

I brought a copy
in case you wanna talk.

- OK!
- He's welcome in the hotel.

Because this is Brandon Darrow,
that's the only reason. You hear?

- That's it.
- I thank you very much.

Mr Darrow, please come back
in the hotel. Stay outside, please.

You know, Brandon, if we could just
go into the bar and have a drink,

we could sit down and talk
for a few minutes.

There's some points I'm reworking
which you'd be very excited to hear.

I'm very open to this whole process.
Just in a brief conversation...

Brandon! We're gonna be late.

It's the first script I've read
with any balls.

- A combination of like...
- Is it five already?

I've always been interested, but it's
always "Can you get a bankable star?"

We need to talk about this.

With you as Sonnyboy
and an unknown for the female lead.

You like fights?
We're going to Atlantic City

to see the Fernandez-Tobin fight.

- Atlantic City now?
- Yeah, it's five.

I have an assignment.

- If we could have a second now...
- I get a lot of scripts, all crap.

- Exactly.
- No fucking integrity.

I'm flattered, but I have
this assignment. Two minutes.

- I'm flying to Africa tomorrow.
- The magazine set this interview up.

It's with the mayor's wife -
she likes acting!

I got scratch marks all over my arm,
it's ridiculous.

- Are we taking off from Teterboro?
- Teterboro, yes.

- Taking off?
- Taking off.

- Oh, no...
- We can't drive now.

I should explain that I can't fly.

It sounds funny but I had a terrible
experience as a travel writer.

You're a fuckin' pussy.
The whole flight's 20 minutes.

- There was this crash landing.
- You like fights?

- Well, I like sports, sure.
- Do you like Fernandez or Tobin?

Tobin's got him, man!
Tobin's got him!

I like Fernandez.

- I'm really impressed with your ear.
- My ear?

- The dialogue.
- Oh, my ear. Well, I try. I listen.

- You know what I mean? It flows.
- Yeah?

Come on, come on!

Come on, baby, come on!

Stick him, come on! Stick him!

Is this a good time
to go through the script?

He can't put a fuckin' combination
together. Look at this shit.

Come on, baby. Stick him!

Come on, let's shoot some craps.

If we get our business out of the way
you can gamble with a clear mind.

- You shoot crap?
- I don't, no.

- I'll teach you.
- I know the rules,

but I didn't bring much money,
not realising that I would be here.

- I'll advance you the cash.
- From our royalties, right?

- I wanted to talk about the opening.
- Sure.

- It feels a little rushed.
- It is, it needs way more build-up.

No, not build-up.
Character development.

Who is this guy, Sonny?
Why does he need to score so badly?

You have such a feel
for the material.

Shoot 'em, babe.

Shit, man, you're cursed!
It ain't your night.

I can't believe
I ran through $6,000 so fast!

- It's just making me...
- All right. 7 or 11, gimme the dice!

- 7 or 11, baby.
- You know...

- Come on, baby.
- You know after the opening scene...

Hey, man, you partake in this?

Well, I have some alcohol,
so... Not really.

I was wondering about the way
I handled the robbery.

I think it's a terrific sequence.

- Needs a complete rewrite.
- It needs some work.

Nobody'd ever believe you could steal
an armoured car in daylight.

There's not enough subterfuge.

That's for you, baby.

- You like her?
- Well, she's a perfect person.

- Nice ass.
- With some helicopter shots...

Let's take this party inside.

If I could talk a little more
in-depth about the denouement...

I feel that there's a chance
to say something special.

I didn't realise you were, um...
Excuse me, Brandon.

We can finish this in a second.
I don't wanna get in the way.

Oh, yeah. Why don't you slip into bed
and we'll be there in one minute, OK?

- OK.
- Excuse, you got a second?

This is an unfamiliar
scenario to me.

I know Gina from before, all right?
You will not be sorry. Trust me.

- You mean all of us?
- Yeah.

What's the matter, you never been
with more than two broads before?

The woman thing is not... The guy
thing I'm a little uncomfortable...

You know we're not getting together,
right? You like women, don't you?

If it was on their own, you know,
two, five, 500...

- So my presence disturbs you?
- No, a naked man, conceptually...

A naked guy is not an issue for me,
but I just...

- Do we need the door?
- You been in a boys' locker room?

Of course I have.
I have track medals. I was all-city.

- I don't get it. What's the problem?
- I don't know how to put it.

You know, a wave of panic at the
proximity of unclad male genitalia,

in conjunction with the specific
activity, plus I'm still airsick.

- I don't know that I can...
- You writers are so sensitive.

You should be writing greeting cards,
not fucking scripts.

What's the matter? Not in the mood?

I'm just a little tired,
drunk, actually. Just had alcohol.

Brandon tells me you're his writer.

Well, you know, I'm a writer.

- I write. I wrote some film scripts.
- Really?

Have you ever heard of Chekhov?

- I have.
- I write like him.

You write like him?

Brandon, how do you feel
about the scene at the church

where Sonnyboy
gets killed by his brother?

Listen, we're gonna definitely
speak about this again.

I'm going to Africa tomorrow
to do this picture,

then I have another picture in LA.

Then maybe we'll have time to talk.
But I really wanna do your script.

It just needs a little work, and
I need some time to think about it.

Have a great drive back to New York.

My agent's gonna call you
about the $6,000.

Maybe you can pay it back
in instalments. All right?

Yeah, Bonnie? Yeah, you sitting down?

No, I just, er...
I guess I just woke up.

I've decided
I'm gonna finish my novel.

Yeah, I know. I'm not gonna let
anything stand in my way.

I'm gonna work nights, weekends,
whatever it takes, cos I...

Well, I came home, I went to take out
the chapters I'd written to look at.

I couldn't find them, and I thought,
"Maybe I've thrown them out,"

and I panicked.

No, then I found them.
God, but that panic.

You know, it made me realise
how dear they are to me.

You know, so I re-read
what I'd written and I just...

You know, they contain
every aspiration that I've had,

every authentic feeling, every idea.

And I got no choice, I have
to complete this, this is me.

I... I love this book.

I love this book.

Well... Well, thank you.

- Hi. Come in.
- Thank you.

- Are you OK?
- OK?

- You seemed tense on the phone.
- No, no.

- Come in. You want a drink?
- I wouldn't mind some white wine.

- If you have it.
- Yeah.

So, let me explain.

When we spoke backstage
after the show,

we just touched lightly on,
for want of a better term,

sexual technique.

Do you recall? You know,
some do's and don'ts.

Certain strategies for...
pleasing a man in bed.

Yeah.

I don't know...

why I'm so rattled.

I said this so clearly on my pillow
last night, now I'm all disjointed.

- Have a little more wine.
- Thank you.

I've, um, I've decided I want you
to show me a few things.

- On television?
- No, no. For me.

Personally.

Let me explain.

The man I'm going with, whom I love
very dearly, is very sexually active.

Which is great. You know, great.

We are... We have
a very, very solid sex life.

Very physical.
Well, obviously, physical.

And the sad truth is, um...

Well, no. I've only recently
got divorced.

After being married to the same
man since I was in college, but...

you know, who was all
I'd experienced and, er...

I say this confidentially
because I respect you professionally.

I think that I disappointed
him, sexually.

You know, I come from
a very uptight, proper family,

and I was taught,
growing up, you know,

that a lot of acts
of lovemaking are wrong.

In my mother's eyes,
actually, quite sinful.

And so...

I went to a Catholic school,
you know.

Not that Tony complains,
but I feel that...

that I'm not really, um...

That he's being kind.

It's probably a testament to his
feelings for me

that he desires me as frequently
as he does and he enjoys it.

Don't get me wrong, we both do.

I love being wanted
and the actual act itself.

But I just feel...

that I can do better, you know,
that I want him to have the best.

I don't want him to start longing
for experiences with other women,

I don't think I could
take that again.

Is any of this making
any sense to you at all?

Yeah. So what you're
asking for is lessons.

I guess so. Yeah.

I mean, I'm sure this is highly
unusual. Of course, you get paid.

Why don't you go to
one of those therapists?

Oh, no. I don't wanna
get clinical with Tony, I...

I wanted to learn it from someone
who'll teach it to me...

down and dirty,
if you know what I mean.

I'm just wondering where we'd begin.

- How about oral sex?
- Oh, yeah?

Because, you know, somehow I feel...
It doesn't come naturally to me.

It's laboured. I have trouble
breathing, actually,

and once a cap for my tooth fell off
and I swallowed it.

Do you enjoy it?

I... I certainly don't mind it.

Yeah, but do you enjoy it?

What goes through your mind
when you're doing it?

The Crucifixion.

I can't help it, it's my upbringing.

All right, why don't you just
show me how you do it?

- Go ahead.
- Now?

Yeah. Take the banana and give me
your best blow job. Go ahead.

Yeah, go ahead. Down the hatch.

Oh, my God.
Have you ever injured him?

- No. Why, is that too hard?
- Well, it's a little rough.

Oh, you see? I'm over-eager.
I was trying too hard.

It's all right. Tell you what.
I'll show you how to do it.

Watch. It's a gentle,
slow, medium-slow motion,

get as much in your mouth as...
Depth is very important.

- Right.
- Watch this, right?

OK.

Oh, my God. Are you choking?

You're choking! Oh, my God!

OK. Arms up, let me just...

Oh, my God! Put your arms up again.

Thrust!

Is that out?

I am so sorry.

- Do you want some water?
- I'm OK, I'm OK.

- I feel so dreadful. It's my fault.
- No, it's all right.

- Are you OK?
- Yeah, I'm all right.

Oh, dear.

- I'm OK. Yeah.
- I think I need some more practice.

- Well...
- Should you be smoking?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, all right.

A toast - to Sid Melnick!

And to the best book written about
the CIA in ten years!

I don't know where all his
insecurities come from.

- He needs another drink.
- I'll have another.

Good idea. Please refill me.

- Bonnie's terrific.
- Yeah, she's a wonderful editor.

I sense she's gradually
taking control

of that cosmic chaos
you call your life.

I figured, "Fuck it." We've been
practically living together.

Why not? I made the commitment, she
gave up her place and moved in today.

You know what I hate about
promotional book tours?

You work your ass off in a strange
city, knock yourself out,

you go to a book store,
they don't have your book.

- They never stock your book.
- I know.

- What are you working on?
- The famous screenplay went nowhere.

You need a star and it's
fucking death, the humiliation.

- Business.
- Total, you know?

- Tell 'em what you've been doing.
- Oh, please.

- What is it?
- I'm almost finished with a novel.

- Oh, really?
- I've been slaving over it a year,

but the reception my previous books
got, I'm a glutton for punishment.

- This will be a huge success.
- He's being modest.

- It's great.
- You read it?

You gonna go by my new roommate now?

- She has no agenda here.
- No, no, no.

- Hey, Tony. Hey, how are you?
- Fine.

I know these guys. Excuse me.

Hey, Lee. Good to see you again.

- This is Nola.
- Hi. How are you?

That's Bonnie and that's Kevin.
That's Lee.

- How are you?
- I'm good.

- Here we go.
- Do you mind if I? Thank you.

- How's it going?
- Very good.

So, how you doin'?

I'm good, I've finished
a very long article.

I was working on it for five months,
and then we've been vacationing.

Where'd you go?

We went to California.
Have you read Sid's book?

- How have you been?
- Good.

- I liked it very much. A bit long.
- Oh, I didn't find it long.

- How's your acting career?
- Slow but breathing.

- You still work in Chippers?
- You remembered!

What was the spy movie
we saw on TV about the hawk and...

The Falcon And The Snowman.

- Didn't it remind you of that?
- Maybe I don't remember the movie.

- Young spies, they're in trouble?
- Sort of...

- What have you been doing?
- Nothing very exciting.

I called you last Friday.

I'm sorry, I got your message.
We stayed on in California.

Cos she's never been
to San Francisco.

- Oh, I love that town.
- It's wonderful.

- Until I tried to drive!
- Oh, my God! No, no, no, no.

I've never been
more terrified in my life.

You should have seen...
We were airborne.

It was a special effects movie
on the hills.

Was it automatic or standard?

I don't know. I was just
clutching the thing for my life.

- Where did you stay?
- The Fairmont.

How did you meet David?

How did we meet? Actually, I took
her away from a Nobel scientist.

No, I wasn't going out with him.
I was his translator.

- Translator?
- Yes, and companion.

And she translated so well
that he offered to dump his wife.

You make it sound so much more
interesting than it was.

- Really?
- Excuse me.

Lee! You got a minute, Lee?

- Say hello to Shelly Rubin.
- How are ya?

You gotta catch this kid.
Great young comic.

Somebody's gotta do a piece on him.
Next Robin Williams.

Do Jack Nicholson at the Seder
for him. This is hysterical.

Just attended my first Seder.

What a shindig that was.

Haggadah this, haggadah that.

I think the only thing you gotta do
is drink a lot of wine.

- Uncanny.
- Isn't it great?

I'm so grateful to have seen it live.
You have a great future.

I got more. California red wine
for the Manichewitz.

Thanks, Lee. We'll hook up.

- We should talk and meet.
- Nice talking to you.

We'll be in touch.

- Hi.
- I'm dying of comedy poisoning.

You never came by.

I don't know why.
I got sidetracked, I guess.

That's all right. Although I was sure
you'd come looking for me.

All that talk about my great face.

Well, it still looks... exquisite.

Under these lights, especially,
you look fantastic.

Is that your girlfriend or are you
gonna tell me she's a transvestite?

No, she's just...
You know, she's a friend.

- She's really beautiful.
- I'll get you a...

And so you're...
I guess you're with David, right?

- Yes and no.
- Meaning?

What are you doing later?

Well, I... Later?

After you drop off your date,
are you tied up?

I'm... When later?

I'm gonna meet some friends downtown,
but why don't you meet me?

Meet me at the kiosk
opposite El Teddy's at twelve.

Twelve noon, like tomorrow?

Twelve tonight,
unless you're tied up.

Twelve tonight?

Can I make you a more European offer?
A kiosk at midnight.

Sure, sure.

- Hey. We should get going.
- OK.

I heard you just finished a novel.
Congratulations.

It's such a ballbreaker,
you wouldn't believe it.

- Bonnie said she loved it.
- She would.

She's kind of a ballbreaker.

I hope it's good, I put two years
of my life into it.

Well, I've never worked longer than
five months on anything, so...

- Did you hear Erica Jeffers tonight?
- No.

She's writing about her experiences
with the judicial system.

Ought to be a beaut.

Isn't that Nola a little young
for David Delile?

- Young?
- He's your age, right?

Well, I don't know.

- Are you tired?
- I got a little ulcer problem here.

Poor baby. You got a tummy ache?
You want your Pepcid?

I checked. We're all out.

- I think you got some Mylanta.
- Only the Pepcid works for me.

- I'm gonna go to the drugstore.
- Now? But I'm half undressed.

You don't have to come.

You should go to bed,
and don't be silly because...

You know, it's not like I need
an escort to, you know, go to the...

drugstore.

I should get this fixed cos this
is gonna bug me all night if I don't.

All right, but be back soon. The
moving men are coming early tomorrow.

I know, I won't forget.
What is the time now?

- 11:45. I'll see you soon.
- Give me a kiss.

- Make it very soon, OK?
- I'm sorry.

I'm beat.

Sorry I'm late. Hope you haven't
been waiting too long.

You're not late.
Listen, I have to level with you.

I can't really go anywhere
right now. I...

I don't know where to begin.

My luck's been lousy, I got myself
into a situation for whatever reason.

I was married a long time, I thought
that I would be better single.

That's been great. It's been
wild in a way, but lonely too,

and I should've come by for you
the minute I met you and I didn't.

And I think the reason that I didn't
was that I was wary of you

because you triggered
some real feelings inside me

and so yet again, I fucked up.

But I'm gonna rectify things
before I get in any deeper,

so please,
what are you doing tomorrow?

Wow! Is that you or your new novel?

I'm gonna be OK by tomorrow,
I promise.

Well, look, I don't wanna cause
anybody any problems, you know?

Sure. What about you and David?

I've told David many times I need
someone who can take control of me

- and I don't think he can do it.
- No?

And believe me, every guy I meet
thinks he's the one

who's gonna make me faithful,
so just be warned.

Well, you should know,
I don't scare that easily.

I'm just telling you,
because you don't know me.

I know you, I've written
about you twice.

You were the obscure object of desire
in books that I've written.

The books failed - my fault, not
yours - but I know you inside out.

- It's scary.
- You didn't make me up.

Well, whatever restlessness
you've experienced,

whatever moodiness
and unpredictability

you've broken hearts with,
you're a...

Baby, you're a heartbreaker. It's...

It's all over tonight.

Where did you get that confidence?
Or are you scared?

I'm not David. I created you twice
in fiction out of my own imagination.

I wrote about you
before I even knew that you existed

except that one day
I knew that I would meet you.

Well, what am I thinking?

You're thinking, "I wish this guy
would shut up and kiss me."

- But you're late.
- I'm not late.

I think I'm right on time for you.

Except why would I kiss you here when
your apartment's two blocks away?

- How did you know that?
- Why wouldn't I?

You were Steffi in my first book
and Louise in my second.

Now...

you're Nola.

- Hello?
- Movers.

Would you come right up, please?
I'll just leave the door open.

- Wake up! Hi.
- Hi.

- Moving men are here with my stuff.
- What?

I'm sorry about last night.

The second you left for the drugstore
I conked out like a zombie.

You must have been so disappointed
when you got back.

- The moving men are here already?
- Yup. It's 7:30.

- Listen, Bonnie...
- I've made some coffee.

- Bonnie, listen.
- What is it?

I have to talk to you.

Right. I'm paying attention.

Look, you've got to listen.
I've done a terrible thing.

I bet you've done a really bad thing.

- No, you should listen, because...
- All right.

I don't know how
to say this, but I, erm...

- Listen, I wanna call this off.
- What are you talkin' about?

You're gonna think I'm the worst,

most fucked-up son of a bitch
in the world and I am.

I'm gonna try in my own stupid way
to be honest and I...

I met somebody else, Bonnie.

You what?

I met somebody else. I...

I met somebody else.
I don't know how else to say it.

- How could you?
- You have every right to hate me.

- I'm so screwed up.
- I just moved in yesterday.

I'm so screwed up.
I wish I could put it another way.

I can't believe what I'm hearing.

- This thing of moving in together...
- It was your idea!

- I know, I know...
- When did you meet "somebody else"?

- It's not important.
- I've rearranged my goddamn life!

- I know. This is so difficult.
- You said you loved me!

I thought that I did
and believe me, I wanted to.

You're such a wonderful, wonderful...

You know what?
You're a sick son of a bitch!

- Excuse me...
- No!

- Could you just get the fuck out?
- I accept full responsibility.

- Let's get out of here.
- I'm a total asshole.

- Yeah, you are a total asshole!
- But I thought that if I was honest

and brought it up openly,
that we could understand

that I really and truly
do not mean you any harm.

Because I know how you feel and
believe me, I feel so, so bad,

but if we just accept me as sick

and just try to, I know
it's hard, remain rational.

We can do this with
the minimum of disruption.

Naturally, you can store your stuff
here for a while, and I'll...

- You're a fucking psychotic!
- Bonnie, this is so hard, I just...

I'm so... Oh, boy.

What are you doing with my novel?
What are?

That's an only copy! Bonnie!

Hey, buddy. Did you see a woman come
out of here with, like, a manuscript?

- I saw a girl come out of this door.
- Where did she go?

She ran right across the street.

In five, four, three...

And now Manhattan Moods goes live to
a new feature, Luncheon At Le Bijou.

Hi, I'm Robin Simon.
Welcome to Luncheon At Le Bijou,

New York's most exciting restaurant,
where every day is a potpourri

of the city's most
rich and famous residents.

I'm sitting here talking to
Evelyn Isaacs,

Manhattan's most exclusive
real estate broker,

who has situated...

- Is that correct?
- I like it.

...the cream of the city's
most luminous residents.

You were saying that you couldn't
get rock star Ennis Taylor

- into the apartment he wanted.
- That's right.

The tenants didn't want groupies
hanging around.

They must have been leery
of wild parties.

Yes, but actually, Ennis isn't what
you'd think from his band.

He's not violent or destructive,
he's quite intellectual and sweet.

I just think the board of the co-op
had a problem that he owned snakes.

Not that he'd have to walk them,
but they had a problem with the boas.

- Any other big name turn-downs?
- No, but I got a beautiful triplex

for the Charles Aranows.

It's twelve rooms on Park Avenue
and they're having a Hamptons room.

They're bringing in tons of sand
to cover the floor, so it's fun.

Well, thank you. I see. Now...

It's time for me to table-hop,

and let our audience meet some of the
other exciting patrons of Le Bijou.

Look who's here - Senator Bob Paley!
How are you today?

We're here for
the celebrity golf tournament.

It earns a lot of money
for the Heart Foundation.

They say I'm paired with Greg Norman.

Wonderful! Do you want to make any
comments on the recent allegations?

I think when the facts are in,

the Justice Department will conclude
that I made an error in judgment

but there was no real intent
of treason.

Well, moving right along, I see
Dee Bartholomew, "Empress of Gossip".

Robin, hi.

It's so rainy out today,
this gloomy weather.

But I love your pin.
Is that Georgian?

Oh, thank you. No, it's art nouveau.

- And where did you get it?
- My first husband gave it to me.

When you say first, do I detect
a second on the way? Robin?

- Well...
- I ran into our Tony Gardello.

He had a blissed-out look,
like he had died and gone to heaven.

How did you manage
to put that smile on his face?

- Using my head.
- I'm sure.

Do you have any choice items
for our viewers?

Very prominent actress-slash-singer

has become pregnant while visiting
Buckingham Palace.

- No names, please.
- Well, thank you.

Look who's here. Donald Trump.
What are you working on, Donald?

I'm working on buying
St Patrick's Cathedral,

maybe doing a little rip-down job
and putting up a very tall building.

Wonderful!

- You were great!
- I was terrible.

- You said you couldn't do it.
- I got mixed up.

- I said, "You can."
- I was a jerk.

No actress-turned-interviewer
could do it as real.

You're not a jerk. You were real.

Nobody cares if you're unpolished
and awkward. It's appealing.

This is your 15 minutes of fame.

I never believed
what Andy Warhol said

about everybody being famous
for 15 minutes.

Almost nobody will ever be famous
for even one minute, so enjoy it!

OK. How did I manage to swing this?

Last year I was teaching English,
performing a serious function.

And suddenly, through
a whirlwind series of events,

I've become the kind of woman
I've always hated.

But I'm happier.

- Are you nervous about Saturday?
- Are you?

I'm counting the seconds.

I can't believe
my hands are sweating.

- You got the ring?
- What am I, a schmuck?

- Sophisticated. Very educated.
- Yes, I know.

Oh, picture.

I like this girl, I really do.
I think she's terrific.

It's so ironic. You go to get
face work, you don't get face work.

But you meet a wonderful guy
who changes your life.

It's better than face work.

- Do you think this looks OK?
- You look perfect.

- Expected a bigger turnout.
- Ma, they wanted to keep it small.

Isn't that, er...

Al Swayze. He's a friend of Tony's.
Does the weather.

Oh, right. He does the weather
on channel...

Hello, how do you do?

- Well, congratulations.
- Thank you. My daughter, Iris.

- Mama, he does the weather!
- We enjoy watching you so much.

- Nice to meet you too.
- We watch you give the weather.

- I mean, you're usually wrong.
- Occupational hazard.

But you're cheerful.
You're all so cheerful.

Yeah.

I can't find her. Did you see her?

- Did I? What happened?
- She's not in the bathroom.

- You were just with her.
- I don't know what happened to her.

Frankie, come on.

- Relax.
- How? She's gotta be somewhere.

We'll find her.

- What's going on?
- It's all right, Ma, it's nothing.

Everything's gonna be all right.

She walked out about 20 minutes ago.

- Where did she go?
- I didn't see.

- She was alone?
- Yeah.

Frankie, go upstairs, stall 'em.
I'm gonna go look around.

- Where are you gonna look?
- I don't know.

You're out of your mind. What am I
gonna tell your mother and father?

- Everything's fine.
- Is he OK? I hope she's OK.

- She's nervous, Ma.
- Nervous about what?

- She needs to fix her makeup.
- Should I go and help her?

- Tony's all right?
- Please. Don't go help her.

She's gonna come out.
Iris, leave her alone.

- Now.
- She's gathering herself.

- Do you want a reading?
- No, no.

Come on.
I'll give you a nice reading.

- I was walking.
- You look like you could use one.

You look like you could.
Come inside with me.

- I don't really believe in psychics.
- You don't have to believe. Come in.

- So, what do you do?
- I work in television.

- You used to do something else, huh?
- That's right. I was a teacher.

I see, um, the name Beowulf.

Oh, my God.
Chaucer. I taught Chaucer.

- Would you like some tea? Mint tea?
- I would love a drink. Is that OK?

No problem.

So, you like television better?

Well, it's interesting to see
who we choose as our celebrities.

And why. What makes them tick.

You can learn a lot about a society
by who it chooses to celebrate.

- Is this good?
- Yes, please.

We did this whole show on Sunny von
Bulow and she's just a coma patient.

She just lays there in a coma
but she's a celebrity.

You were up there with her.
What happened?

She was OK.

Everybody, I've got some bad news.

The wedding's off, so why don't
you just all go on home, OK?

Thanks. Thank you.

- Tony...
- It's not gonna happen.

Just go home,
make sure Mom gets there all right.

- Are you all right? Is she hurt?
- It's nothing like that. Go on, OK?

- Are you OK?
- Yeah, yeah. I'm fine.

- Frankie...
- Tony.

It's all right. Just...

I'm here to help you. Whatever.

You need a change in your life.

Whatever plans you've been
contemplating, re-evaluate.

I see you going in
a different direction.

- I had planned to get married.
- Perhaps this needs more scrutiny.

Really?

- When was the wedding planned?
- Today.

I left him standing at the church
with all his family and friends.

If you are not sure
that you love him...

No, I am sure, he's wonderful.

- So then I don't understand.
- I just feel guilty.

I've had such good luck. Everybody
I know always has so many problems.

I just have this great guy
fall in my lap.

- I still don't get...
- I told him, "You're so terrific.

"I'm just waiting for
the other shoe to drop."

Some awful part of him that will ruin
things, but there is no other shoe.

- You provided that.
- Me?

He's a wonderful guy,
but you screw things up.

- Why?
- You said it yourself.

It's like guilt. You don't need
a fortune teller, you need a shrink.

- Me?
- You meet this wonderful guy,

and you can't believe that something
so wonderful can happen to you,

so you ruin it.

I did a horrible thing.
He'll never forgive me.

Who could blame him?

You want your $10 worth of psychic
prediction? He'll forgive you.

Obviously he's crazy about you

and just because you acted like
a horse's ass don't mean he will.

So you tell him everything
that you told me. And then...

- Yeah?
...you give him a big kiss.

We can be seen.

Don't you care?

I don't. I care about you.

That's perfect!

Emotionally, it's exactly
where you should be.

- Really?
- I don't feel like I'm there at all.

Well, trust it. We'll come back
to this tomorrow, we'll stop for now.

I feel like I know where she's coming
from, but she's so contradictory.

Contradiction is good, just don't
contradict yourself when you play it.

Play one thing at a time
and trust it.

Yeah, you have a hold on it, just
don't look at yourself in the mirror.

- Oh, stop it.
- Both of you.

- Don't overplay the lust.
- She's such a carnivore.

- Do you wanna have a drink?
- I'd love to.

Yeah? We'll talk.

Hi.

That was a... I just caught the end.

It seems like a terrific scene.
Great work.

- You didn't tell me you were coming.
- I was in the neighbourhood.

Thought I'd stop by.

- You know Greg.
- Sure. Good to see you.

- Going to Moran's around the corner.
- Did you wanna have that drink?

I thought maybe
we'll walk home together.

- I wanted to talk about the play.
- I thought you might wanna walk.

- I'm in the middle of rehearsals.
- I knew you'd be through by five.

What's the big deal?

I'm going to the bar.
We can easily talk tomorrow.

- You shouldn't crowd me like that.
- I just stopped by to pick you up.

- I thought you'd be glad.
- Things come up.

Something's wrong. I stop by to see
you and it puts you in a bad mood.

- You don't trust me!
- Should I trust you?

You're so suspicious.

You wanna make it with the director.

I'm really not in the mood
for one of these long discussions.

- You said you were in love with me.
- You don't trust me.

How can I? Every time I turn my back
you're with somebody.

I told you,
I don't wanna be closed in.

- Then why are you living with me?
- I'm not, I just stay most nights.

- I don't wanna crowd you.
- Just let me go talk about the play.

Yeah, "Just fuck off so I can fuck
the director." That's cool.

I'm who I am.
I told you that when we met.

I always hope it's gonna be different
and it never is.

You love me and you're gonna be hurt
if I give up on you,

so think about it.

Just go home. We'll just enjoy
the time we have together.

We don't have to
complicate everything,

everything doesn't
have to be questioned.

You mean, "Will you get lost so I can
jump into bed with the director?"

Anyone listening to you would think
I was the Whore of TriBeCa.

If I said goodbye and never saw you
again, would that make you happy?

- That wouldn't make me happy.
- We have not made love in weeks.

Why do you want me when I just
lie there like a dead fish?

But you didn't used to.
What happened?

Nothing. It's me, OK?

It's me, and let's stay in tonight
and not overanalyse everything, OK?

Oh, what is it with these pills?

- They're diet pills.
- Oh, please! Just...

I just... I give up.

So...

So what do you want for dinner?
What should I buy?

Spaghetti.

I was gonna ask you to marry me.

No. Penne, with marinara.

Lee, right? Phil Datloff. Bonnie
brought you to dinner at my place.

Of course, I remember.
You were very kind.

I passed out on your carpet,
that I remember.

What happened to that book
you were toying with?

It just kind of floated away.

- I thought about it the other day.
- Really?

A culture that took a wrong turn, an
individual that can't find himself.

- That was it.
- Well, VJ Rajnipal, great writer,

he just gave us a fabulous manuscript
on the same subject.

Really?

A society where every member
is famous,

there are no uncelebrated people.

- Really?
- Yeah. Very hysterical. Brilliant.

I would like to have seen your take
on the same subject.

Oh, he's a great artist.
I could never...

- How is Bonnie?
- Oh, she's fine. Great girl.

I think she sold a screenplay.

Hi, we're at the star-spangled
premi�re of The Liquidator.

Unfortunately for so many beautiful
people, the weather hasn't held up.

But the show must go on!
Here's the producer, Dalton Freed!

- Would you believe this weather?
- It's unbelievable!

- How are you doing?
- Well, could be better.

Hasn't kept people away.
Is this your wife?

This is a young actress
you're gonna hear a great deal about.

My wife, she's in rehab!

Well, I've read the reviews.
Very interesting!

- I never read reviews.
- What's your next project?

Birth Of A Nation,
an all-black version.

Great!

Oh, my gosh! Erno Delucca, who did
Nicole Oliver's wigs! How are you?

How are you?
I also did her werewolf makeup.

- Werewolf makeup?
- Yes, twice.

- Good job. Very nice to see you.
- Thank you.

We're expecting a lot of celebrities
tonight, I'm keeping my eyes peeled.

Here's the director! How are you?
What a night, huh?

It's incredible. Are you covering
this for The Weather Channel?

No, no. I understand that in your
film, you have a big rain sequence.

Yeah, we have amazing effects,
it's almost like the real thing.

It's better, actually.

Well, thanks so much.

Oh, Nicole Oliver! You're here!

The star of the movie,
and her husband!

You look beautiful.
Show us what you're wearing.

- I'm soaked.
- Unbelievable. You look fantastic!

It's unbelievable, and the rain
didn't seem to deter too many people.

It's a really exciting premi�re.

Oh, my gosh! Robin!
Congratulations on your show,

your pregnancy,
your marriage, everything!

- Doesn't she look beautiful?
- Who knew angels flew so low?

Your show's just taken off,
I'm so jealous, you look so great!

- What do you think of this rain?
- It's really something.

Have a great time,
you look incredible!

Oh, look, we've got a lot more people
coming. Oh, I see Sandor!

We feel a little sorry for him.

Oh, my goodness!

Lee!

Robin! I...

- What are you doing?
- Incredible.

I haven't seen you...
I saw you at the movies again.

- This is my husband, Tony.
- Nice to meet you. Congratulations.

Cos everything... You're transformed!

- This is such a surprise!
- What?

- This isn't your kind of movie.
- I interviewed Nicole Oliver.

I read that interview,
it was marvellous!

Marvellous? Did I hear what used
to be your least favourite word?

- Stop it!
- Those crossword puzzles.

- Shall I get some popcorn?
- Great.

- Can I get you a bag?
- That'd be great. I can't believe...

Have I become insufferable?

You look very happy.
Confident and radiant.

- Lee! How are you?
- Hi, Jack! How are you?

Robin Simon! I'm so excited
to see you in person!

- Oh, thank you!
- I love your show.

- You're a great broadcaster.
- Aren't you sweet?

- Listen, God bless you.
- God bless you.

You're so radiant.

Oh, thank you.
You know, it's luck, Lee.

No matter what the shrinks or
the pundits or the books tell you.

When it comes to love, it's luck.

Well, I... I guess...

I'm glad you've been lucky.

- You with anyone?
- No, not at the moment.

- What are you working on?
- The same.

- A novel? A screenplay?
- Well, actually, I...

I did a huge interview at the old
actors' home, which was touching.

My Uncle Willie's here.
He asked about the autograph.

- Oh, God.
- We did a segment

- from Charlie Manson's jail cell.
- So interesting.

We promised my nephew Ricky
an autograph.

- Oh, dear.
- Next time we're in California.

- There you go.
- Thanks. I don't wanna hold you up.

No, it's OK.

You know, it's really...

- Very nice to...
- Great to see you.

- Thank you.
- It really is great to see you.

Hope you catch a break.