Original subtitles

-[jolly music] -[cart clattering]

Woo-hoo!

[hooves clattering]

[laughing] Hoist up your skirt, Esther.

Here I come.

[upbeat music]

Will employ, you handsome swine.

She wants you.

Right, my son, get ready.

Get steady, go.

And tell them to get the paint out.

Call yourself an athlete, you run like a girl.

Go on, my son.

Just put me to work, Mrs Ryan.

Oh, I could give you a dozen jobs,

but you'll have to meet Mr Jarvis

before you're taken on.

Esther, Derby room,

Esther, have you gone and drenched yourself in rosewater?

No, Mrs Ryan.

Silly girl, the stench.

Mr Jarvis should be back sometime tonight.

Go and wash it off.

And take him with you.

Give him something to eat.

[upbeat music]

[Matkin shouting]

[Gardener] Time!

[skittles rattling]

[Matkin shouting]

Oi!

We're back, we're back!

The crown prince is behind us, we're back!

[bell ringing]

It couldn't be, it's too early.

Polly, quick, go and make up the beds.

Start...

Susan, can you start the fires, go and start...

Lizzy, Lizzy will you come and help me.

God!

Move, big lumps, go on.

Who are you?

Who the hell are you?

[horses hooves clopping]

Whoa.

Will.

Look at you.

About bloody time.

Get off me woman, show some sense!

Mr Jarvis is just behind us,

and the family is not far behind him.

Robert, get the trunks pulled off.

Don't stand there dithering.

What did you get me?

Do I smell nice?

All the luggage to be unloaded and out of the way

by the time the Earl gets here.

All they've got in Rome is tat and sweaty sausages.

Christ, where is everybody?

What shall I do?

Get out the way, for a start, Susan.

[upbeat music]

Less, more.

[Grace] Frank.

Mr Jarvis.

His lordship will have left Southampton

just two hours behind us.

I'm sure we'll have everything in order for him.

Did no one think to regulate the clocks

in the last three months?

Mr Keneally, you'll see to the luggage, if you please,

the van is to be unloaded.

Mr. Keneally?

Keneally!

He went in, Mr Jarvis.

Oops!

Will, do I smell nice?

Come on lads, let's get these difficult buggers shifted.

Here you are, ladies.

Feast your eyes on that.

[ladies giggle]

I thought you'd be waiting.

There was no one to help me down the stairs with Harry.

[Jarvis] Keneally

How are you?

Go and get your things, I'm taking you home.

What?

We're going back to Ireland,

my father sent for me.

There's a yawning chaos out there,

you can chase skirt in your own time.

My bride to be, Mr Jarvis.

But not in the next few hours, I trust.

Come on man, work to do.

Best go and do it then.

What did you say?

I only came back for you.

We'll wed when we get there.

Have you lost your senses?

It's not slavery, mate.

I'm not in bloody chains.

Go on, get your things together.

[Jarvis] You can't just decide to-

Off and running.

Free.

I mean it, love.

Think very carefully, Miss.

You'll get no character.

Frank...

Are you going with this man?

Of course you're not.

Good girl.

Get back to your work, then.

[tense music]

As for you, you pick up your trappings and go.

[Keneally] In my own time.

See you in a bit, Grace.

You won't.

Who the hell are you?

George Cosmo, sir.

New footman.

You think so, do you?

Well take a walk to the village.

You'll adjust this to the time on the church clock,

by pulling out the winder, thus,

and adjusting the hands, thus.

You will then return, hot foot.

But first, we'll have you in livery.

As for you-

Save it for the new lads.

Still wet behind the ears.

I'll go when I'm good and ready.

As from this moment, we do not have an under butler.

Mr. Keneally has been disgraced, and none of you,

none of you will speak to him.

Understand?

They had a slanging match in bloody Venice.

They never?

"You'll do as you're bloody well told, Kineally,"

and he comes straight back at him,

"You f'ing think so, do you?"

I thought they'd sorted it all out.

What about Grace May?

Maybe she'll sod off with him.

So what do you reckon?

Fancy a shag with the new under butler?

Eh?

Come on, let's get these things shifted,

it's not for the pigeons.

Come on, quick quick.

[Harry moans]

What's wrong with him?

Nothing. It's dinner time.

Can't you get him something to eat, or something?

What a good idea.

Why didn't I think of that?

Cooks got a bag on.

Anyhow, it's not a cook's job.

You'll have to ask Prince Albert.

If you mean me, Miss Fat Arse,

the title is chef.

I'm sorry, chef.

The cook prepares slop for pigs like you.

But Lord Harry is Sturgess born,

and his meals are prepared by me,

which takes time and thought.

You, get your arse off that bench, and feed my ovens.

You, hang this up.

God is in his heaven.

Felix Kraus is back in his kitchen.

Come on then.

Bread.

Milk.

And...

crystal sugar.

It's for the boy.

All right?

Oi, Grace.

Sorry to hear your troubles.

It's a bugger, that, your fella going loony.

I'll pack your bags, shall I?

Time we got shot of you.

She's not going.

Yes she is.

Made for each other, her and mad Frank.

Who said I'm not?

Well you're not, are you?

Maybe he wants to tag along.

Three in a bed, lovely.

She's a charmer.

Thanks for Harry's tea.

Well she's right, though.

That Frank's a wild man.

You don't want to spend the rest of your life

tied to someone like that.

Come on Harry.

You mind your business, and I'll mind mine.

Don't need rescuing.

Ah, but we all need rescuing sometimes.

George Cosmo, as in cosmos.

One of the stars.

Your servant.

[birds cooing]

Mr Jarvis.

Susan's bringing us tea and cake.

Welcome home treat.

Appreciated.

Now,

Frank Keneally.

He's off down the drive.

He's just walked out on us.

He never did.

Good riddance.

Been nothing but insolence and temper since the day we left.

His father wants him to take over the tannery.

He's welcome to it.

A tannery?

Poor Grace.

A lifetime of lining pelts and the stench of death.

She won't give up Taplow's for that.

Ah, but for love.

Well she's not going with him.

She has more sense.

The new footman, there's no character on my desk.

Ah, it's a very good recommendation,

from a very good house.

He's fit, and strong, and very courteous.

[door creaks open]

Well this is from the housekeeper.

I, I did confirm it.

Thank you Susan, thank you.

She did sent a letter about time.

I don't care if she sent a proposal of marriage

written in her own blood.

Since when did any housekeeper have responsibility

for male members of staff?

I know you women, and young men.

They wrap you round their little fingers.

We're not a refuge for good looking layabouts.

[energetic music]

God gave us ears to save our feet.

Oi.

I've not missed him, have I?

Got back about an hour ago.

How come no one told me?

They made good time from Southampton.

Bet that's me up for another bollocking.

Why, what's the panic?

I'm only supposed to be stood here

like bloody Little Bo Peep for every bloody carriage

that passes, haven't I?

The masters idea of a pastoral idyll, isn't it?

Wanker.

Oi, shepherd.

The earl's not back yet.

Left Southampton two hours after the household.

Be back soon, though.

Just thought you'd like to know.

[jolly music]

William Forrest.

George Cosmo.

First footman with great expectations of promotion.

Second footman, with a bit of luck, and a fair wind.

Well, we're so short handed, they'll just count your legs,

if there's more than one, you'll do.

Why the statues?

Horrible great things.

Half a crown says we're carting them to the roof.

You, boy.

My pantry, bring your character.

Mrs. Ryan has it, sir.

A character, lad.

Not some scrawled note from a bloody female.

No, don't worry about it.

Ritual humiliation, we've all been there.

Are you growing into that, or what?

Come on then, let's get these buggers moved.

Quite the blue eyed boy, according to your character.

Any special talents?

Shooting?

Running?

The earl likes his athletes.

Not really, sir.

You're too modest.

Judging by your speed to the church and back

you'll give our Frederick something to worry about.

Bit more bookish than athletic.

I'm learning French, Mr Jarvis,

in case the family visit Paris.

Are you any good?

En Francais, s'il vous plait, Monsieur?

Try it in case the family visits Paris.

Si.

Le famille.

Uh...

Visit Paris.

[Jarvis] "Pari[s] "

"Pari[s]"

Ah well.

Never mind.

I've only just started, Mr Jarvis.

I am hard working and ambitious.

I have no doubt of the latter.

As to the former.

I stood in as under butler, when my last-

[smirks] Let's just wait for your character, shall we.

A woman's opinion.

I prefer something a little less febrile,

and heartfelt, like the considered opinion of your butler.

I've written to Mr. Savage,

and he's prompt with his replies.

We should hear soon.

You may go.

Sir.

[Jarvis] Tell Mrs Ryan, everyone in their places

in five minutes.

Sir.

[solemn music]

[energetic music]

May your bollocks blacken and drop off, my Lord.

[sheep bleats]

I've lost a shoulder pad, now.

Why can I never find any damn thing?

You never heard of an iron?

You never heard of a smack in the face?

Here, what's-your-name.

I've just got to write a letter to my old mum

before I miss the post.

Shut up and move your arses.

Got any paper?

[Servant] Ah, what do you want paper for?

Two minutes, come along, Mr Jarvis is waiting

with his watch in his hand.

[energetic music]

Johnny Booth, since when were you a stable lad?

Over with the house servants, if you please.

His Lordship paid for a matching pair,

and we have an odd sock.

Thank you.

Housemaids are a credit to you, Mrs Ryan.

As ever.

And your lady's maids.

The footmen... the grooms.

Well, will have to do.

Keneally, you have the cheek of the devil.

Get your filthy feet off that carpet.

Grace.

Grace.

Grace May.

You will take your leave this minute, Mr Keneally.

Grace, come down.

William, see him off.

Touch me, Forrest, and I'll have you.

Do as you're told.

Will you come down to me.

[crows cawing]

William, get him out of here,

round the back, double quick.

Get shot of him once and for all.

Look at you.

Lackeys, all.

Harry's coming.

Mr Keneally.

Get back to your place, Forrest.

You're useless.

Oh, for God's sake.

Grace.

Leave me alone.

I just want to know, who brings the post here?

Post?

Any bloody post, Grace.

Piss off, and leave me alone.

[quirky music]

[frisky music]

[bashful music]

[people chatter]

[quirky music]

[servants murmur]

[Earl speaks in the next room]

[Earl sighs]

That's enough, William.

Give me peace.

[quirky music]

[Earl grunts]

He was, he was standing there with his pants

around his shanks, shaking hands with the bleeding bishop.

There are ladies, thank you.

I'd have laughed if I'd seen you.

What were you doing in his room?

Well I had a coal full,

so I went in to stop the rug burning.

You'd no need to hide then, had you?

You cock up, I get a bollocking.

I take bollockings for no one.

Well there was me thinking you were just a first footman.

Not the Prince Regent.

And you're no one, son.

We've lost the bloody trunk.

It's got my best shoes in it.

Oh, no, the brandy.

You are joking?

My best indoor shoes and all the brandy.

No, no, it's in the trunk with the trays.

Oh, yeah, you can bring back a load of booze,

but you can't manage anything for me.

Where's my best day dress?

[Matkin] Well, it's in the same trunk.

I knew it.

He only wants them damn ugly things up on the roof.

Oh, my bloody brandy.

Give him a slap, for God's sakes, Esther.

The statues, Will, on the roof.

Now.

Greg?

Don't ask me.

Joseph.

Joseph!

Don't ask me.

[Jarvis] Tuck it away, out of sight.

Sir.

New boy.

You're not getting out of this.

Wouldn't miss it for the world.

[energetic music]

Come on Will, lift it higher.

She won't go up any further.

I've got a right mouthful here.

Just take it up the main staircase, then.

What?

Well, there's nothing else for it.

Right, you two, take your boots off.

Watch me face!

She's better looking than that girl you had in Naples.

She's about the same weight.

You had the girl on top, then?

You ready?

Always ready, me.

Just lower it down there, slow.

Here she comes, the slut.

Talk of the devil.

[upbeat music]

[servants giggle]

Come on William, we've got a job to do.

One more for the Pope.

You'll damage her.

You'll do well to follow good advice, Mr Forrest.

You get her onto her fat arse, get her into the corridor,

and leave her for the night.

We have dinner to serve.

In the morning, William,

I want her and her old man on the roof by midday tomorrow

and no more silly pantomimes.

Why have you got one tit open to the air?

Oh, same reason you've got your meat and two veg

waving in the wind as well.

Can't you think of anything else?

She only wants me for my salami.

Oh, husband, husband, all these promises.

I thought so.

Half past ten and it's bedlam.

This is not Italy, I will not tolerate sloppy foreign ways

in my household.

Frederick, down.

And as for you, Mr Forrest,

you've precious little to strut about.

My back passage is still obstructed

by some half-naked heathen.

Well I don't know if she's boasting or complaining,

if you ask me.

[servants guffaw]

Let's all sing a bit more and bring her back, shall we?

Are you still here.

I thought her and Frank was true love.

Don't start, Esther.

Now you haven't got a man of your own, love,

you keep your eyes tight shut when you walk past mine.

It's always a bit tricky with your William.

Never know where he'll grab you next.

[Esther] You wish.

No love, I really don't.

If I wanted to, I could have a man ten times his worth.

And I might still.

Charming.

And for your information,

the woman with the bow and arrow is Artemis.

So?

She doesn't have tits.

She has a breast.

Just the one.

Actaeon saw her naked, so she turned into a deer

and then she shot him.

She's the goddess of hunters.

She's not a tart.

You're confusing her with Esther.

[servants giggle]

[gentle piano music]

[bottles clinking]

Is that it, then?

She'll be so glad to hit that pillow.

My guts still aren't right.

* He's puked in every sea in Europe *

Well, thanks.

God, I've been looking forward to this for weeks.

Stuff it, then.

Well...

Charlotte brought it back for me.

I'll take you there one day, if you're a good girl.

Won't even have to take a boat, will you.

Just walk across the seven seas.

Wasting your time with her.

Frank Keneally don't give up easy.

Nor does George Cosmo.

She'll go after him.

She hasn't yet.

Either way,

she's too good for you.

The way I see it, George,

the under butler gets first pick.

That'd be me, then, wouldn't it?

The under butler.

Not some spotty footman.

You, under butler?

That's a laugh, isn't it?

Where do you hear that, cocky sod?

[tense music]

Aren't you supposed to be upstairs?

You shouldn't do that.

Yeah, and you shouldn't be in the scullery.

Dear Mr Jarvis...

So why are you writing to him?

I'm not.

Yes you are.

I'm not. It's just...

Sod you, Grace.

You faking a character?

Shh.

Look, I'm not a villain.

I'm not.

I just need this job.

I've dreamed of a place like this since I was-

You've never been a footman before, have you?

I know what to do, Grace.

I've seen enough.

Mr Savage, the butler, was a bastard.

Hated me.

I kept putting in for footman, but-

I've heard him talking about Mr Savage.

Worked together years ago.

What if he knows his writing?

If he does, I'm finished.

But it's worth a go, isn't it?

I suppose so.

See you in the morning.

[tense music]

His name's not Jarvis.

It's just what the master calls all his butlers.

His given name's Walter Corry.

C-O-R-R-Y.

[energetic music]

[Felix] Italian brand.

I wouldn't cook with it.

They thought they could smuggle the gin

behind my back.

When you're that age, Felix, you think everyone's stupid.

That's true.

I will remind you, men, that I do not accept

incomplete livery, you're a disgrace.

We lost a trunk, Mr Jarvis, my shoes-

My heart bleeds.

Mrs. Ryan's girls put you all to shame.

I will also remind you that servants are not permitted

to keep spirits anywhere on the estate.

Is that clear?

Did any of you bring whiskey, brandy, any other spirit

back from Rome?

Mm?

Well?

What is it, Mr Matkin?

The undertaker, sir.

I'll be there.

In the absence of Frank Keneally,

William, you will act as under butler.

For now.

You are dismissed.

We still have statues littering every hallway and entry.

Well done, Will, I knew you'd get it.

So did I, about bloody time, eh?

He said for now.

Just one of his little games.

I've got the job.

Hear that Grace?

I'm the under butler's sweetheart.

That's you've fulfilled a lifetime ambition.

Nearly went to the nearly under butler.

You'll know when you-

Girls. Girls, girls!

Girls, girls, girls!

Them bloody statues, where's Cosmo got to?

He's, uh, not on the truffle then, sir.

Shovel a few buckets of ice on top of him.

Earl should have had him quietly done away with years ago,

there's not a tooth in his head.

Usual Sturgess born, headstone.

Full embalming, all the usual.

He was a good dog in his day.

At least we don't have to stuff him

and stick him on the roof.

Any post yet?

Should be hearing from your butler today.

[jaunty music]

Morning.

You only had to ask.

Well they'll give me a hard time, won't they?

Right, well, we've all got mothers, mate.

Not like mine, though.

She'd write every bloody letter she could afford to.

I'm gonna see Jarvis now, you want me to take them up?

No, there's nothing for him.

It's all for Mrs Ryan, you idiot.

He didn't even say goodbye.

He didn't want you to say anything.

Just pick up your bags and run after him

like a little child.

You were wise and brave not to give into him.

I know it hurts.

But it'll pass.

In a couple of years, he'll just be a distant memory.

Mm-hmm?

Mrs. Ryan.

I had a friend once, engaged to be married.

On the very brink.

And then for all sorts of reasons,

she couldn't go through with it.

Looked at him, and realised that she didn't trust him,

that he wasn't...

She could have married him, easily,

but her head reigned.

And now, 12 years on, she's in a senior position,

a horizon she'd never dreamed of.

She hears from him from time to time.

And he's nothing and no one.

She doesn't have any regrets... or many regrets.

Yes.

Mrs Ryan.

Now go on.

Busy yourself with your duties.

And turn a deaf eye to any doubts...

A blind ear...

Oh, go on.

[loud commotion]

[Servant] It's fallen off.

You've let go.

You've done it now.

It's not a common circus, and no one is dead.

Return to your duties.

Mrs Ryan.

The gods are falling.

As false gods will.

When you hear me talking, get on out of here, yeah?

Mm.

Mr Jarvis, sir.

Your doing, is it?

Yes, sir.

All on your own?

Yes, sir.

An Atlas in your service, Mr Jarvis.

Able to move whole worlds on his own.

I rigged up a pulley system,

but it seems the bannisters couldn't take the strain.

Are you a total bloody idiot?

Mrs Ryan was worrying it was blocking the stairs.

And you said by noon, it's well past that.

William's given up, so I thought I'd give it a try.

Typical William.

We're lucky it didn't bring

the whole staircase down with it.

Let's go. Come on, let's go, let's go.

At least one Italian won't be fathering any more bambinos.

Bloody thing fell off in Rome.

Naples, and then Calais.

Kept on sticking it back, but every time...

[Jarvis laughs]

[plaintive music]

You going up to the house?

Well, uh, later.

To have a beer with the lads.

Tell Grace, for me, I'm not leaving without her.

Well where are you going?

Just tell her I'm going nowhere 'til she's with me.

Tell her the usual time, the usual place.

There you are, you sneaky swine.

"Oh, I wanted to help, sir,

but that nasty William couldn't be arsed."

Point is, Will, you cocked up, and I got us out of it.

You've wrecked that chair.

What is it?

A machine for making under butlers,

so you can stop creeping around Jarvis.

A master joiner as well, eh?

I've worked my arse off in this hole for seven years,

waiting for bloody Frank to move on.

And now he has.

And no one's gonna balls it up for me.

[energetic dance music]

Come on, Cas.

Who's she dragged in now?

God knows.

She only goes for medical men and vicars.

Yeah.

Oi, Susie, who's the mophead?

He's a doctor.

Aren't you?

I'm not fully a doctor.

Well, as good as.

Bloody hell.

He's that bloke from Minton-Powell.

He's only the embalmer.

The embalmer?

Susan.

He's a medical man.

[servants cackle]

He is!

Yuck!

You've not let him touch your tits, have you?

Why don't you all just, just shut up.

Think where them bony hands have been.

Poking up a dog's arse.

Mr. Silver, wait.

Take him for a snog in the graveyard, love.

I've heard of a good stuffing, but bloody hell.

Grace.

Fancy a jig?

You'll be the gentleman, and I'll be the virgin.

Right lads, who wants an extra jug up here?

Come on, randy.

Work to be done.

Greg, put her down.

Nice and easy, very nice and quiet.

Ooh, sorry George.

That's it, very nice.

Just keep it moving.

Mind that lamp, Josh.

[Jarvis] Good work, Mr Forrest.

All right, Josh.

* Steadily gaze on so fondly today *

Grace, it's just such a mess.

Would you like me to help, Mrs Ryan?

No.

You go on out and enjoy yourself with your friends.

I'm nearly finished.

Take no notice.

Them are just ignorant.

It's a very skilled job, I know that.

You've got to be sensitive and artistic.

[old man singing]

[male servants singing]

This is the most precious one of all.

A replica from the basilica of the Church of St. Simon.

I don't want you breathing beer all over it.

The finger of St. Paul.

The what?

The holy finger of the sainted Paul.

And how much did they fleece you for that?

A contribution to church funds.

A contribution to a robbing bastard, is what.

Do saints have no knuckles, then?

They saw you coming, love.

That's about as holy as your fanny.

Bloody holy relic.

Never mind, you've still got St. Peter's belly button.

Where's my dance partner?

[energetic dance music]

Frank?

I was so worried.

I thought I might never see you again.

We ain't even spoken, not properly, or kissed.

Why didn't you come with me?

Don't be so cold, Frank.

Please.

[solemn music]

I've waited months for that.

[Susan laughs]

Why didn't you come with me?

I've never met your family.

I don't know anything about Ireland.

I don't know anything about tanning hides.

You know everything about me.

We can be on a boat this time tomorrow.

You were going to be a butler.

I was going to be a lady's maid.

We were going to-

I've done that.

Well I haven't.

We've courted near on two years now.

I've kept myself true to you,

I've done everything you've wanted of me.

I know.

I've told my father I'm bringing back a wife.

I've not had the chance to talk about,

or tell you how I felt.

My mistake then.

I thought you loved me.

I do.

You love this place more.

You love the idiot more.

No.

I don't know your parents.

The tannery, all I knows about-

If it's about the smell, that's all anybody knows, I know.

But you get used to it,

You don't smell it anymore.

You always said it was hell.

But now I'd be the boss.

The master.

And you'll be my Mrs.

I've come halfway across England for you.

I'm sorry.

I stood there.

In front of everyone and begged you.

I won't be made a fool of.

You're hurting me.

Two years courting a bloody virgin,

to be humiliated in front of those gaping idiots.

Stop it.

[Grace cries]

Get of of me.

Don't.

[George] Keneally.

Bugger off, boy.

Just leave her alone.

Toddle back to your new little friends.

This has nothing to do with you.

I just have to shout, mate.

You'll be coughing up blood first, mammy's boy.

[music]

You have to the count of three to get back to your kennel.

One.

Two.

[dramatic music]

[Keneally gasps]

Three years in the infantry, son,

and you learn how to hurt people real bad.

Get up.

Get up.

Let me go.

You're never coming back, laddie.

Say it.

You're never coming back.

Don't worry.

I'll not be back.

[solemn music]

I know.

You don't need rescuing.

[tense music]

[Grace weeps]

[William sings]

Sing all you like, fat face.

You ain't gonna get the job.

[Harry murmurs]

Morning, beautiful.

I'll try again.

Good morning, Miss May.

Mr Jones should get your character this morning,

shouldn't he?

Say goodbye now, save us the trouble later.

I'm not done just yet.

And I wish you'd stop thanking me.

* She was fair, fat and beautiful with legs like trees *

* Like pudding bowls hung down to its knees *

[tense music]

Good morning.

Morning.

Morning, Miss Diggins.

That's a piss poor job, innit?

Oi, postie.

Save your legs.

Oi!

Oi, postie.

Oi, postie, oi.

[frenetic music]

Why aren't you upstairs?

Better things to do mate.

You tell me where you're going first.

Don't make me hurt you, Will.

Don't you make me laugh.

George.

Bloody sod.

Sweet suffering Christ.

God help me now, and I will never sin again.

Your character, I believe.

I need a sharp knife for the seal.

Better find one, then.

[quirky music]

They haven't wasted the summer.

They've hung new carpets in the all the morning rooms.

And the morning room has been painted and papered.

I think everything is in the best of order.

I would expect no less.

I've unpacked my boxes.

For you.

Thought you might...

There will be 18 for the next hunt next Monday.

The usual 120 for breakfast.

Luncheon, stirrup cup.

The coliseum.

By a local artist.

Best see to the rabble.

[energetic music]

Mr Jarvis.

Do you want me in Frank's old livery, sir?

You?

I just thought with the house guests,

and me acting up as under butler.

Ah, yes.

I thought if it was going to fit anyone,

it would probably be snuggest on Mr Cosmo.

I guess he must have heard

from my dear old friend Mr Savage.

Always said I was cut out for under butler.

See you later. Parts to do.

[energetic music]

She gets worse, right.

[Charlotte screams]

Bloody hell, mind my beer.

Oh my god, oh my god.

What is it, woman?

I bit my bloody tongue off.

It's a miracle.

Oh my god.

[Matkin] Somebody shut her up.

Charlotte, stop it.

What is it?

It's the willie.

Can't be.

She should know.

It wasn't his finger, it wasn't his finger.

What's she on about?

St. Peter's pinkie.

St Paul's.

Only it wasn't, was it.

It's a different colour and twice as fat.

It's come to life.

Goodness me.

It's come to life.

Just like mine does every morning.

Be careful, Will.

Don't get any powder on my new outfit.

Oops.

Oh, never mind.

I'll clean it up before I wear it.

I'm on my way to see Jarvis right now.

This will probably be it.

Don't be too sure about that.

The thing is, I get this whiff off of you.

Let me see.

What is that?

Oh yeah.

Fraud.

Do you know what I reckon, son?

I reckon you're a bloody fake.

William, William, William.

I am going to be under butler.

You've lost, mate. I've won.

Shame.

Ah! Ah, not my face.

Not my bloody face.

You moved.

I didn't move, Will, you hit me straight on.

Look at my coat!

My coat.

I think you'll find that it's my bloody coat, gentlemen.

Mr Adams.

All the way from Glasgow, and gasping for a drink.

We didn't know you were coming.

Did you not?

A pleasant surprise then.

Mr George Cosmo.

Mr Adams is under butler to Glasgow House.

Position correct.

Geography wrong.

I'm transplanted here to the hallowed ground of Taplow's.

Mr Jarvis sent for me two days ago.

Bastard.

Sorry, Mr Adams.

I think I can promise you will be.

Fighting on duty?

You.

No pay for a month.

You.

Ditto.

[birds cooing]

[subdued music]

Not under butler after all.

I'll get over it.

Are you still upset?

I'll get over it.

We can go to Italy one day.

If that's what you really want.

I want a lot of things.

Same here.

This is just the start.

You'll have to learn to behave yourself, then.

I'll be as good as gold from now, I promise.

I will.

[dainty music]

[suspenseful music]

[William] You told me you were good at this.

Psst, George. Someone's coming.

I said two.

Put it back.

Sod off, look how many he's thieved.

We drink one, we sell one, two at a time.

It'll take him weeks to notice.

Quids in.

It's all about using this.

Position right.

Geography wrong.

Pompous git.

Nasty git.

No way, of course.

He's too old to make butler now.

This is him for life.

Ugly bastard.

You should have got the job.

Well, we'll keep an eye out for each other.

Yeah. We will.

My first task-

Young gentlemen-

Will be to shape your pathetic, shambling form

into something his Lordship can be proud of.

Yeah, and a pig's bloody ear.

[hatch creaking]

Shit.

[leaves rustling]

[soft music]

[owls hooting]

Grace.

[Grace] The one with the bow and arrow is Artemis.

Artemis.

Actaeon saw her naked.

[sparkling music]