Original subtitles

(restaurant ambience)

I'm sure she'll be here any minute.

Fay.

Oh, fuck.

(giggles) Hey bitch!

(laughs loudly)

Ohhh!

Oh my god, I'm so hungry!

Also hungover. Pfft! Yeah?

It's been crazy.

♫ ("Breakdown" by Tessa Violet) ♪ So throw your hands up if you're feeling it too ♪

Women in L.A.

...are disgusting.

With their plastic and fillers

and BBLs and hip sculpting.

Frankensteins!

But the men...

...are so nice.

♪ For all the kicking and screaming and fighting the feeling ♪

♪ of working it through, singing ♪

Hey girl.

-: I haven't seen you around here before.

-: What's your name?

Belladonna.

He says the most romantic things.

Wanna do a line off my cock?

-ID BELLADONNA: He tells me...

"You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen."

And I...

(both choking)

I bit his neck and drank his blood

and dumped him in the fucking pool!

(song halts)

(cackles, wheezes)

-ID FAY: Well, um...

It's great to see you.

What made you decide to reach out?

-ID BELLADONNA: It's my last night in town.

I'm really glad you did.

Fag.

(laughs loudly) I'm kidding!

-ID WAITER: Alright, good to see you finally joined us.

Can I get you started with any, uh...

(clears throat) Can I get you started with any drinks?

-ID BELLADONNA: Yes, please.

Let's get a pitcher of strawberry margaritas.

Oh, alright.

Two glasses?

Yes— Just one, thanks.

Boo!

Ugh.

More for me.

(Belladonna snickers) Alright.

And... what about you?

Would you like to take a look at our wine list here?

Tap water, thank you.

Alright, tap water it is.

What made you decide to pick this place?

I saw something tasty.

-ID FAY: I didn't think it was your style.

Honestly, this place reminds me of Vladimir.

You mean... Didi?

You never used to use his full name.

Is he in town?

Why?

He's in Rome.

We're expanding the modeling agency again!

He sent me here to hunt for talent.

So he has you doing my old job scouting girls.

Actually, I am his executive assistant.

I handle all of his personal needs.

Which includes both calendar and dick. (guffaws)

So you two are still together then.

Mhm.

And is this what's new in the fashion world?

Didi picked it.

You know, if you need new clothes,

I can ask Didi for the hookup.

I'm sure he would love to dress you again.

I'm good.

Business is going really great since you... left.

We're sending girls out to Gucci and Prada

and Balenciaga and Carbonara, you name it.

Great.

Oh, don't be jealous.

Didi and I are in love.

I know that probably sucks for you,

but given how things ended,

it seems like you just weren't the best fit.

Some people are friends with their exes.

My ex... is Count Dracula.

Alright, we got one pitcher of strawberry margarita.

(snickers awkwardly)

And... one tap water.

Can I interest you ladies in anything to eat?

Uh, yeah.

Can I get... a burger?

The oak smoked California Hickory Burger.

How would you like that cooked?

Rare.

We like it bloody.

And can I get a side of fries with that?

We serve organic chipped potatoes,

twice cooked with our house spice.

Is that fries, or...

It's like fries, yeah.

It's fine, thank you.

Okay.

And, uh...

anything for you, miss?

I'll just stick with margaritas.

Really? You're not gonna have anything to eat?

Not yet.

Alright. I'll just take these.

-ID BELLADONNA: Alexander!

Oh, like Alexander the Great.

(chuckles awkwardly)

Have you conquered anything lately?

Just dishes.

(laughs uproariously)

Oh my god! You're so funny! Trying to wash them.

(snorts laughing)

Thank you, I'll...

I'll be right back with your order.

(giggles)

I'm sorry if I seemed jealous.

I'm glad you two are happy. (phone chiming)

We don't have to talk about Didi.

Obviously you've been through some...

other changes since last I saw you.

Oh yeah.

I'm a vampire.

You know, I never would have guessed that you were.

All the months that we worked together,

you just seemed kind of... average.

It's not good to go broadcasting it.

Didi said when he saw me for the first time,

he wanted to spend eternity with me.

(snickers)

He said that, did he?

Mhm.

How are you feeling?

Ohh.

So good.

To living our best lives.

Living our best undeaths.

Woo! (giggles)

So... how are you liking L.A.?

Oh, loving it!

That's pretty cool.

And we have a whole community going out here.

I'm living in Silver Lake with two...

...werewolf girls.

What's that like?

(drain gurgling) (wolf howling)

It's... cool.

And Hollywood is full of vampires.

A lot of the younger ones move here

because they like to party.

Stereotype, I know.

Well, we're living to the end of human civilization.

We might as well enjoy it.

Right, you know, climate change.

When they go, we go.

Yeah, but, you know,

some of us have been around longer.

You see things differently when you've been dead a while.

I'm actually trying to start a business out here

to provide therapy for people like us.

The monster community has unique emotional needs.

Like... oh...

So I've got these two friends, right?

They're mummies.

They were trapped in a sarcophagus for 2,000 years.

They have to stay together or else they turn to sand,

but the romance is dead

because there's nothing left to talk about.

So, you're trying to be a supernatural counselor?

Cute.

Yeah, and it's important.

Mmm.

You wanna know something crazy I learned recently?

The average life expectancy for vampires after we're bit

...is only ten years. Yeah.

Our suicide rate is like double the human population.

Trauma, addiction, loneliness.

When you really think about it,

vampirism is like a really advanced eating disorder.

It's the good kind of eating disorder though.

The kind that makes you hot.

Hah! Yeah.

Do you miss being with Didi?

I'm with someone new.

Oh.

Look at you.

Cougar on the prowl.

I'm 134 years old.

I'm a little past cougar status, don't you think?

Who's the lucky guy?

Girl.

Is she hot? (titters)

-ID FAY: Valentine's Day.

Is she human?!

Oh, I'm not...

I'm not drinking her...

...blood.

We're adopting a kitten.

It needs to live in her place.

I can't have cats in mine, because, you know...

Werewolves.

What?

You prefer puppies?

You should meet my roommates.

I think any animal is like...

(laughs) Why would you pick up something's shit?

Love?

Animals can't feel love.

They pretend to like you so you feed them.

Like strippers!

(laughs) I guess you must miss him.

Are you doing okay?!

I'm doing great.

It's just that when you texted me,

you sounded upset.

I was probably high.

I've eaten a lot of people who are on drugs.

You told me you were going to kill yourself.

We were supposed to go to Rome together.

Instead he's there with one of his new models.

It's just a business thing.

Why Rome?

-ID BELLADONNA: He picked it.

We... had a fight.

I bought a dress. I used his card.

I have it for work, but I didn't think he'd be monitoring me.

I wanted it to be a surprise,

and I thought it was elegant, but...

it was inappropriate.

It was white.

Does he always tell you what to wear?

Well, it is his money.

I can't just buy my own clothes.

You can't?

Didi doesn't like going clothes shopping

unless he's choosing.

Okay, so go without him.

If I leave him on his own, he gets upset.

He doesn't like not knowing where I am.

It's a protective thing.

Can't you go with friends?

Didi doesn't like them.

Okay, so you can't see your friends with him

and you can't see your friends without him.

You're making it sound worse than it is.

Does he ever try to bite your friends?

Does he? No!

He knows not to do that now.

-ID FAY: I will take you clothes shopping.

You can choose the clothes.

(choking up)He... He...

...cut off my cards.

Where are you staying?

-ID BELLADONNA: With guys.

L.A. is full of them.

Do you think that maybe, Didi—

I love him!

He has been so good to me.

He gave me a job.

And he gave me money. He made me this.

Do you think that Didi loves you back?

Of course he does!

The fight was my fault. We'll get through it.

I'm ride or die.

And we're gonna live forever.

and... beets.

Oh wow.

Yeah, he wasn't kidding. This is fucking amazing.

Carbs are bad for you, but...

they leave me feeling full, you know?

Satisfied.

You are the world's weirdest vampire.

What if I was human?

(voice aberrates) I would drain every drop

of perfect blood

from your delicious fucking body.

(both crack up)

Hah! I'm kidding! I don't bite women!

Not that there's anything wrong with it.

(breathes deeply)

I don't think you turn into a human from eating carbs.

Although you might turn into a whale.

You sure I can't get you anything?

Another margarita? On the house.

Oh, you gonna join me?

(chuckles nervously)

My shift's over soon.

Maybe after I get off.

Oh, sounds fun.

(both chuckle)

You wanna fill me up?

(shudders) Uh, yes. (Belladonna snickers)

(Belladonna giggles)

Don't eat the waiter.

-ID BELLADONNA: I'm not gonna eat him.

Just drink his blood.

Maybe some of his other fluids.

Does Didi know you sleep with other men?

Yeah. We have a deal.

I only let them fuck me in the mouth and pussy.

Don't drink the waiter's blood.

Why? He's using it!

Order a salad.

We shouldn't drink people's blood anyway.

It's not good for them.

Or us.

-ID BELLADONNA: Everybody drinks somebody's blood.

He bleeds customers for tips.

His boss bleeds him for shitty wages.

Children feed on their parents.

Children literally feed on their parents!

They be sucking at the titty.

That's same shit, different color.

Old people feed on the government.

Women feed on men for money, and men feed on women for sex.

You sound like Dracula.

-ID BELLADONNA: Well, yeah!

He's right.

When you drink blood...

what do you get out of it?

Do you like the taste?

Depends what they've been eating.

It's everything.

I like the noises that they make.

I like the way they wriggle and go all tense.

There's two kinds of men.

There's the ones who think they're Mr. Big Dick,

like the guy from last night.

And they're fun because they underestimate you.

But then...

...there's the real treats.

Watch this.

-ID ALEXANDER: Hey, I just wanted to say.

That outfit is incredible.

Oh, thank you!

I look even better without it.

(Alexander chuckles, breathes heavily)

Oh. (chuckles) (Belladonna giggles)

Well, I'll...

(clears throat)

Uh, I'll leave you to it.

(Belladonna snickers)

Between the two of us...

we could rock his shit.

And he'd love every second.

There's nothing like it.

You take something soft and sweet

and you just— —hurt them?

-ID BELLADONNA: No.

Consume.

You take something beautiful

and you bring part of it into yourself.

And it's like you get to become beautiful.

Beautiful.

Good. You get to become good.

You don't think you're good now?

No. Obviously.

I'm a blood-sucking leech!

Some vampires use that word ironically.

I'm reclaiming it.

I'm just saying it might mask some genuine insecurity.

-ID BELLADONNA: Don't therapy me.

I like being a leechy bitch.

Unnh, give me that plasma, daddy!

Mmh, make my chinny all red!

Oh, guys love sexy baby voice.

I bet you Alexander likes it.

-ID FAY: You're advertising yourself as controllable.

Well, when I drink his blood,

while he nuts inside me, we'll see who's in control.

Not you!

-ID BELLADONNA: Oh my gosh, I know what I'm gonna be like.

I'm gonna be like...

I've never gotten a facial before!

But I've always really wanted one!

Jesus!

Did you know that when you're angry,

you're actually kind of hot?

Stop.

Ohh, but you're making me so wet.

Fucking childish, Belle!

Oh, what are you gonna do?

Are you gonna punish me, mommy?

Enough!

(snort-laughs)

No wonder you and Didi broke up.

We broke up because Didi only loves himself.

And because he likes to fuck little sluts like you.

Yeah, he does.

Unnh.

Aaannh! Stop.

Aaaannnh!

Stop it!

(moans loudly)

"Fuck! Didi!"

(loud slap)

That was extreme.

But can you understand...

if you weren't listening...

why I might act in a way that seemed extreme

given the big emotions I was feeling in the moment?

Guess who you sound like.

I came here to help you.

If you really want to help,

you can give me a ride to the airport.

Don't think he loves you.

-ID BELLADONNA: He's already paid for the ticket.

First class all the way to Rome.

He sent this for you.

(vinyl wrap ripping)

What does that mean?

(hisses loudly)

Why don't you sit down...

...finish your carbs?

Have them. (slams table)

You look like you should eat something.

(speaking inaudibly)

Maybe I will.

(Fay sniffles angrily)

(paper ripping)

(faucet running) (Fay hyperventilates)

(shouts)

(sobs)

(sniffles, breathes heavily)

(toilet flushing)

(cries chokingly)

-ID BELLADONNA: Oh my gosh, you're so strong.

-ID ALEXANDER: Thanks, I've been working out here at the restaurant.

Really? Yeah.

I lift chairs and stuff all the time.

Hey... can I see a dessert menu?

You can.

Thanks.

I will have a... chocolate volcano cake.

That takes a very long time to prepare.

Perfect.

And for you, can I get you anything?

Really, you don't want anything from the dessert menu?

You don't think I'm sweet enough?

Thanks.

Mm.

(Belladonna snickers)

-ID FAY: I have to tell you something big.

Oh my god, you're in love with me.

Oh, oh, I fucking knew it!

I'm human.

You mean metaphorically?

I'm changing back into a human.

Or... trying to.

I haven't had blood in almost a year.

I got therapy.

Ended up in a healthy relationship

that I don't deserve.

But do you still want blood?

Yes! All the time!

But it's good.

I go where I want, I dress how I want.

I'm my own person.

And you want to know something?

I have a reflection again.

How can you stand seeing yourself all the time?

I like what I see.

But you'll age!

And I'm adopting a kitten with the love of my life!

But you can't have blood!

I make my own.

Look.

Look at this, all from him.

Don't you get it?

Girl, you have got to get out of this.

Not just the relationship, all of it!

Before you end up dead inside like he is.

Are you really human?

(snarls)

(voice aberrates) You went behind my back!

You don't bite women!

But I love having old friends for dinner!

Me and Didi are going to be so happy together

...once you're dead.

Do you really love him? Yes!

Then why are you afraid of him?

(normal voice) He's Dracula.

Everyone's afraid of him.

You're not supposed to be afraid of the person you love.

He changed, right?

He was sweet in the beginning, and then he got mean.

And now you want the nice guy back.

It's not your fault.

He did the same to me.

Let me help you.

Don't touch me!

(Fay sighs)

Um... (clears throat)

Ta-da!

(phone chirps)

(jingle)

(Fay hisses)

Hey, uh, is your friend doing alright?

Yeah.

No.

She had a fight with her boyfriend.

Oh, damn, that's too bad.

Hey, uh, have a spectacular night, huh?

-ID FAY: You too.

(winces)

(shivers)

-ID ALEXANDER: Oh, hey, you forgot this.

I don't need it. No, no.

You should really... You should take it.

I think you are so pretty.

(Alexander screams)

Is that shit any good?

It's bad for you.

But...

...it's kinda why it's good.

Jean-Paul Sartre once said that giving up smoking

was like giving up the world.

When you'd go to the theater, you'd smoke during intermission.

After sex, you'd smoke in bed.

When you'd go out to a restaurant,

you'd smoke before dessert.

So, when you think about it,

it wasn't really giving up smoking.

It was giving up everything.

You're warm. (chuckles dazily)

If you need anything, call me, okay?

Promise. Mm.

♫ ("Breakdown by Tessa Violet faintly on car radio)

Don't get on that plane!

- Driver>Your friend okay?

(car door shuts)

♫ (song ends, transition to "Yes Mom" by Tessa Violet)

♪ Bet you've been a fan of me ♪

♪ See me in your fantasies ♪

♪ Everything I got, I got working for me ♪

♪ So eat that, peep that, I'm the one to beat, yeah ♪

♪ I'm the one to beat, yeah ♪

♪ I'm the one to beat, yeah ♪

♪ When I take my picture ♪

♪ Wanna kiss her, I'm like, damn ♪

♪ I see my reflection ♪

♪ Got affection 'cause I can ♪

♪ I can't help that I feel myself ♪

♪ Yes, I guess I'm a fan ♪

♪ When everything you're looking for ♪

♪ is right here where I stand, yeah ♪

♪ Bet you've been a fan of me ♪

♪ See me in your fantasies ♪

♪ Everything I got, I got working for me ♪

♪ So eat that, peep that, I'm the one to beat, yeah ♪

♪ What you see is what you get (yes mom) ♪

♪ Everything I'm owning it (yes mom) ♪

♪ Did it independent 'cause I got what I need ♪

♪ So eat that, peep that, I'm the one to beat, yeah ♪

♪ I'm the one to beat, yeah (yes mom) ♪

♪ I'm the one to beat, yeah ♪

♪ 20/20 vision with ambition's how I'm made ♪

♪ I can't keep from winning when it's in my DNA ♪

♪ Push me down and I bounce right back ♪

♪ Trampoline and it's in my past♪

♪ Rising like a phoenix making fire from the ash, yeah ♪

♪ Bet you've been a fan of me ♪

♪ See me in your fantasies ♪

♪ Everything I got, I got working for me ♪

♪ So eat that, peep that, I'm the one to beat, yeah ♪

♪ What you see is what you get (yes mom) ♪

♪ Everything I'm owning it (yes mom) ♪

♪ Did it independent 'cause I got what I need ♪

♪ So eat that, peep that, I'm the one to beat, yeah ♪

♪ God it's such a treat just getting to be me ♪

♪ Spending all my time on what I want ♪

♪ Looking in the mirror I'm so glad I'm here ♪

♪ I'm the one to beat, yeah I'm the one to beat, yeah ♪

♪ Eat that, peep that, I'm the one to beat, yeah ♪

(vocals reverse)

♪ I love, I love, I love ♪

♪ I love, I love me ♪

♪ I love, I love, I love ♪

♪ I love, I love me ♪

♪ I love, I love, I love ♪

♪ I love, I love me ♪

♪ I love, I love, I love ♪

♪ Eat that, peep that, I'm the one to beat, yeah ♪

(song ends)