Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Marcello, I'm 49,

I'm a psychoanalyst, and I'm depressed.

Enough!

Good morning!

Morning, Dr. Bernazzani, mail I

Shake a leg, Augusto!

Fuck you.

- Morning Ada, Silvia. - Sir!

- What? - Notice anything?

- Let me guess, new dress? - My hair.

- New haircut. - No, color.

- It was red before. - No, black.

Sorry, hair isn't my forte.

I'll go.

A few times a day, my heart goes into overdrive,

it's like I'm suffocating and about to die.

It's all because of my job,

all those sacrifices, deadlines, responsibilities.

- What do you do? - Pusher.

Hash, weed... classy stuff, not junk.

For 7 years you've told me

that one day I'd stop thinking about Stefano.

Correct.

This morning I finally burned his photo!

Because someone else has stolen my heart.

- That's great. - And this someone...

is you, doctor.

You know, Stefano wasn't a bad guy after all.

And I realized it thanks to a dream:

you naked in your socks,

and me licking your left nipple,

up and down, all around, and then...

Doctor, I realize that coming here makes me feel better.

I'm glad.

If such a mediocre human like you made it this far,

then there's hope for us all.

Right, that'll be 300 euros.

I struck out with my co-worker Nora too.

I'd planned the perfect date.

- Where to? - Dinner at my mom's.

She made gnocchi... how could I say no?

A mama's boy at 40, no wonder women run away.

No, my mom gives me space.

Oh really?

Who could that be?

I understand what you told me the other day.

You were telling me that my wife is nothing but a whore.

- I wouldn't dare say that. - Isn't that what she is?

While her husband's covering a soccer game

she went and slept with a German!

This Karl-Heinz, an idiot from Frankfurt I

What can I take? Psychotropics, anxiolytics, tranquilizers?

You need to stop relying on drugs. I don't like that.

All I want

is for this jerk's testicles to explode at the same time I

And for his relatives to die from a rare disease.

And for Frankfurt, a useless city, to be razed to the ground

by a meteorite along with most of Germany.

Tantrax! 80 drops.

I can't stand this buzzkill, I took him out dancing Saturday,

it was like taking along a suitcase.

I'm shy to dance, it's always been an issue for me.

No, he stands there lobotomized texting on Whatsapp,

uploading videos, updating his status. I'm fed up!

Look, I got me some shatush highlights...

I bought this lingerie set. It's pure micro-tulle!

Check out this texture, it turns people on, right?

- It certainly does. - See, hear what he said?

But it doesn't turn him on.

We used to have sex now and then.

But now he's got it in his hand all the time.

- Has what in his hand? - No, not that I

That went into hiding 2 years ago, it waved "bye" to us!

- It waved bye? - Totally.

HAPPILY MIXED UP

We are in the home stretch,

the time has come, ladies and gentlemen,

here itis: "Tonco del Pontesel" I

You northern restaurateurs must know it.

- We certainly do, sir. - We'd like to serve it one day.

Do you know what wine it's cooked with?

I'd say Pinot.

Amateurs I Such ignorance and such pomposity!

With Nosiola I

- Nosiola. - Nosiola.

If you want to get rich hire me as chef, I'm first-rate.

You're not a first-rate dad though, you never call.

We only talk because I call you.

You sound like your mom. I'll come visit for your birthday.

- You can show me your restaurant. - Promise?

I swear. Gotta go.

Bye!

Thanks, hope it helps me.

Just don't eat it.

Kidding...

Let's see if the visibly rusty ex-champ can beat me.

- Listen. - Yes.

I've been ruthlessly humiliating you for 20 years.

- You even cried once. - Go on, shoot.

Watch...

Damn it!

Hey Robin Hood, I'll stick that bow up your ass I

You nearly hit me, are you insane?

Folks, the downfall of a champ.

What a pathetic sight!

Embarrassed? You're a sore loser I

Marcello, are you okay?

- I can't see well. - We noticed.

Now look to the right.

I'm so sorry.

Last night I went to a chic club in Torvajanica.

The top guns were there:

Insulin, my good friend, Porky,

Pellet I, Pellet 11...

Pellet [ll shows up too... it's a dynasty.

I was closing a deal with Enzo,

the redhead,

Campanacci, the bouncer, a great guy...

- Excuse me... - I just started talking.

Silvia, can you come in? Thanks.

- Was it something I said? - Sorry.

Yes?

Cancel all my appointments today and tomorrow.

- Actually, for the whole week. - What?

You heard me. Excuse me.

- Where's he going? - Dunno.

For the record: I did 30 minutes, I'll only pay half.

Coming...

Who could that be?

Hello, doctor.

How are you?

Sorry for barging in but you're not answering my calls.

You just vanished, your patients are flipping out.

Some rather violently.

You know that new, odd guy?

- The pusher? - Yes.

He threatened me with a jack.

He took the fax machine, paperweight, and toilet brush out of spite.

- I bought a new toilet brush. - Great.

They want an explanation, and so do I.

With all due respect, what's going on?

Page three.

Upper left corner.

Sir, how could this be?

Set an appointment for Monday at 4:00.

- For who? - All my patients.

Folks...

- Your doctor wanted you all here... - Please, don't.

Come on, you're such a dumbass.

Get to it, what's this about?

Well this is about... due to health reasons...

he won't be able to see you for the time being.

For the time being?

- For a week? - ldon't...

A month I

Forever.

Doctor, I love you.

Last night I dreamt I slathered custard on your nipple.

- Vitaliana, don't make me touch you. - Please do...

You can't just abandon us.

- My husband still can't get it up. - Shut up, that's not true.

No? You can get it up, sure...

- Now if you'll please go... - Hey, cue ball!

No way, I only did one and half classes.

You think this is a Pilates class?

Whatever. You can't leave, I have panic attacks.

The boor is right.

I said you were right, you son of a bitch I

I almost set myself on fire in front of the German embassy.

Can't you see I'm a train wreck?

You crook, I'll have you banned from practicing psychiatry.

Go ahead, I'm quitting anyway.

I said what I wanted to say, you can go now, thanks.

Scoundrel I

Lip Rug, easy or you'll give yourself an aneurysm.

Tubby, you should diet. You're not looking too good.

Do I know you?

I wanted to say...

I'll sort out your severance pay.

- Not that, I wanted to say... - Just go, trust me.

No, doctor I You must react! React I

Try 50 drops of Topraxil intravenously. It works wonders.

My mom made these for you.

Pork rolls fried in lard

wrapped in bacon.

Very greasy, very tasty, and so light.

Loser.

Bitch.

- Hi, guys. - Hey, man.

How's it going, boss?

- Hold back that dog. - Priebke, down boy.

Shitty dog, I should feed it a poisoned meatball.

A Blackie's waiting for you.

- Where? - There she is.

Come on.

- Where are they going? - To fight.

Mercedes, where've you been? You vanished.

Me?

I've been calling you for months. Pellet Il told me where you live.

Pellet Il?

You remember my address but not the 300 you owe me.

I share this place with my brother Sebastiano. You know him.

- Yes, the loan shark. - Bingo.

I'm really busy, what can I do for you?

You can man up.

I'm not the father of that belly.

- We only did it once. - Once was enough.

If you don't man up right away,

I'll have you arrested.

Don't get all legal on me!

They can't arrest me for not acknowledging a belly.

- They can arrest you for pushing. - Yes.

You've got one week. Think it over.

Cabron.

- Capron... - What?

- What the fuck is that? - I don't feel well.

- I don't feel well. - What is it?

- I don't feel well... - Guys!

- I'm no pusher... - Nazzareno I

Give me a hand! Breathe I

Just breathe I Help me out!

- Hi, Nora I - Hi.

Nora, I want to apologize.

I realize that having our first date at my mom's wasn't cool.

Can I make it up to you tonight?

Where'll we go, to the fun park?

Or will we trade stickers?

Nora, I sense a note of sarcasm.

I'm a very sensitive person.

Chubbs, I'm 40 years old,

I want to date a man, not someone whose mom makes his lunch.

Nonsense, mom and I have a healthy relationship.

- Answer your healthy relationship. - I can't, I'm driving.

- You're parked, triglyceride. - I don't want to answer.

It's some chick who's been hounding me, know what I mean?

She called me Chubbs, I feel sick...

Mom, make me a bucket of French fries tonight!

Tickets, please.

Psychological issues galore.

Let's go dance.

- Huh? - Let's go dance.

No, I'm watching the game. You go.

And dance alone?

Riccardo, my son, how would you define your mom?

The ancients would've called her courtesan, prostitute, easy woman...

Dad...

You can call her the name she deserves: whore I

Her lover must be punished through what he holds dearest.

- What does this D stand for? - Deutschland, Germany.

- No... - Yes!

D for Destruction I

No! No, dad I

Your turn, I'll make a man of you tonight.

Look what I have here...

A blunt object with which you'll punish the side mirror.

- No. - Punish it!

These darn youngsters are nothing but trouble. You hooligan!

- Want to hit him too? - No.

Dumb jerk, I'm going to tear every single page out!

Every single one! That'll show you!

I burned my ex and you know that!

We all had the same idea.

I really miss him. I've had nightmares for a week.

Last night I dreamt I married a lasagna.

I need a divorce.

I urgently need to see the doctor about this bonehead.

Apart from the gratuitous insults from my wife Cruella,

I'd like to pose the following question.

Marcello is a doctor...

So he betrayed the Hippocratic Oath.

The what?

Oh right...

- Hello. - Good evening, Miss Silvia.

- Did you buzz him? - Not yet.

- He's home. - How do you know?

I've been here for 72 hours, I slept in my car and got 6 tickets.

- Let's break down the gate! - No, wait.

- I have the keys. - Hold it.

- I made a copy. - Good work.

Don't these look like luscious golden nipples?

- Dr. Bernazzani, are you here? - Marcello?

Dr. Bernazzani?

Marcello, it's us. We come as friends.

What are you saying?

Maybe he killed himself.

- Slit his throat with a paper knife. - Really?

Folks, I think we're about to behold a real blood bath.

- Slit his veins in the bathtub. - Or hung himself.

- You two are sickos. - We devour crime stories.

We eat 'em right up!

Don't spook him, he's got enough problems being obese.

What does that matter?

Maybe we'll find him banging a transvestite.

Lighten up, geez.

What?

Where do those stairs lead?

You scared us shitless, you idiot.

No, she's right, he went up to the roof.

- Doctor I - Marcello darling!

Splattered...

TURN ON YOUR LIFE

Doctor?

We wouldn't want to interfere with anyone's right to free will,

but were you planning on jumping by any chance?

Might I also point out that

you're dressed in a most unsightly manner tonight.

So if you were to precipitate

your corpse would look pretty slobbish.

You'd kick yourself forever for that I

Those slippers aren't so bad. Are those for men?

- Stop. - Nazzareno, get off I

Doctor I Why?

Hands off or I'll throw you off the roof I

- What do you want? - What?

- We just saved your life. - I wasn't going to jump.

He wasn't going to jump. We did all this...

Phew.

Doc...

In any case, your behavior is really weird.

Some of us have been giving you 100 euros a week for years.

Without making a fuss and without a proper receipt.

People who are depressed, sexual deviants... hags I

Even physically deformed people like Pasquale here

who has sworn his life to carbohydrates.

People who could go to the movies, buy drugs,

for fun or to unwind, but no! They wanted to give you money.

We have the right to know what's going on.

Have her explain.

You were killing yourself over this fugly secretary?

You're fugly!

Are you going to explain?

Dr. Bernazzani has a serious eye problem.

A severe form of maculopathy.

And my vision is getting worse by the day.

In three months I'll be completely blind.

- Forreal? - Unfortunately, yes.

What's the big deal? Come on.

Lots of blind people do cool things.

That's true. Like Homer.

Right. Let's not forget Stevie Wonder.

And Ray Charles? Bocelli? Even Aleandro Baldi...

- Beethoven... - Beethoven was deaf.

Bingo, he was...

It doesn't seem like a good reason to become depressed.

I've been with this freak of nature for 15 years

but I'm still standing.

Knock it off.

I don't want to sound like a pity-monger

but we're here to help you.

No.

You're here because you want me to help you still. Forget it.

You surprise me.

Since soon you won't be able to, you know...

Why not use this time to see all the things you haven't?

Stick Legs is right, we can help you.

Ever been to Maccarese? It's awesome.

- Maccarese...? - Yes.

- Doc! - Michelangelo!

I don't mingle with those nutcases but I overheard what they said.

Honestly, it doesn't seem like a huge tragedy.

Your job requires you to listen, not see.

You should be proud of your professionalism.

Think of all the patients you cured.

- None. - None?

You're my patients, and you're far from cured.

For example you've been a rageaholic for 15 years.

- Did I cure you? - It's a minor flaw.

Rage is healthy! In fact, you should let loose too.

Grab this bow and hurl it at the radiator I

For the hell of it. It's very relaxing.

What about your friends?

- I have none. - You have a loving wife.

I'm divorced and we don't speak.

What about your daughter?

She lives up north and thinks I'm a dick.

Yes...

Well then, it's better if you kill yourself.

I'm sorry that you'll have to find another job now.

No big deal, in about 7 years I'll have found something.

- Want some coffee? - Thanks.

I didn't know you were engaged.

- Where's this? - A beach in Corsica.

But I'm not engaged.

Silvia, if someone didn't want to stay home alone,

and wanted to see people, go out...

Why not? But you can't come out dressed like that.

All right.

Some experts say it's a double self-portrait.

Caravaggio as David and Goliath,

symbolizing a sort of atonement.

A young and pure him cutting off the head of him the sinner.

How do you know all of this?

Because I love paintings. Plus Caravaggio and I are colleagues.

- Huh? - I paint.

I'm slightly less talented but still good.

- Let's go see Apollo and Daphne. - Both?

It says here this is "The Madonna dei Palafrenieri".

Does it also say "who gives a shit"?

We're going to see Apollo and Daphne.

Hold on...

so these are the things we wanted him to see?

Real nice: David chopping off that other dude's head...

but I think Caravaggio is a bummer for our doctor.

- No. - Yes.

It's all a bit too... Help me out here...

- Impressionist. - Yes!

No, Caravaggio's 17th century, not impressionist.

- Well, he leaves a bad impression. - I agree.

He's clearly bored to death.

- No... - Is that so?

- Yes. - Then what should he do?

What should I do?

I know.

- Great singer, what's his name? - Mutton.

Cool, I didn't know Pellet Il had a twin.

Yeah, Pellet 11.

- Is there a Pellet I? - Right here.

Voila I Pasta with intestines...

I sprinkled cheese on it with my own hands.

I pigged out on appetizers so I can't...

plus I prefer not to eat carbs at night. I'll pass.

Calf intestines are meat. Eat up, don't worry.

- Is it gluten free? - Who gives a shit, eat.

Eat up.

Hey, looks like we're not drinking enough!

- To Dr. Marcello: Hip hip... - Hooray!

Hooray Marcello!

Guys, I'd like to toast our friend Marcello.

He's not going through the easiest of times now.

No need to go into details, also because I respect his privacy.

But let me say this:

going blind doesn't mean you can't get it up anymore!

Now it's time for Marcello to make a speech.

Speech, speech I

What can I say? Thanks for this lovely evening at The Yokel,

who's the chef...

In Scruffburg, a neighborhood I didn't know.

And for the kindness and enthusiasm shown by Pellet II...

Third. Second and first.

Every Pellet there is.

And by Paunch, Pinocchio...

Sebastiano. Everyone, yes.

But I have to be going now,

if I don't sleep 8 hours I get a migraine.

Buddy, I don't think you get it.

The night's only just begun.

You like Dragomira?

- The things she does with that whip. - I'd rather not know.

Remember Mercedes? The girl who said I knocked her up?

She wants me to help her out, take her to the doctor.

- Should I call my lawyer? - No, give her support.

- Did you impregnate her? - I think so.

- So there's nothing to say. - Nothing to say.

- Hi, know who I am? - Miss Dragomira.

I'm a dirty girl.

I heard but I don't believe this conjecture.

I'm a dirty girl. Who are you?

- Marcello Bernazzani. - No. You're a pig.

- No. - Yes.

- Shut up and say it: who are you? - I came here...

I... I said say it.

Am...

- Sayit! - Am...

A pig.

- Goon... - A pig.

- Louder! - A pig!

- Grunt! - No, I'm a doctor I

I have a thriving practice. Nazzareno, what is this place?

Dragomira, ease up! You just don't know when to stop.

So in a few weeks we'll do an ultrasound.

Do you want to know the sex?

Some people prefer to be surprised.

By the way, can we see the color of the baby?

What?

Just wondering if it'll be dark like it's mom or normal.

Normal?

Are you a racist, Mr. Spadoni?

What? I mated with her, how could I be racist?!

I'd like to have a "different" son.

But this is Italy, everyone acts democratic

but in reality, nobody wants a black son!

Well, take a look at my son.

Cute...

Real cute. What's his name?

- 'Ndongo. - 'Ndo...?

- Ngo. - With an apostrophe?

Yes.

If it's a black bay, we might do something similar.

I like the sound of it. ‘Ndongo Spadoni, works for me.

Which do you prefer? Garcia Marquez or Calvino?

Never read either of them.

- You write books but don't read? - I read essays, not these novels.

These novels?

I'll get them both and I'll quiz you after.

Books should be consumed like medicine.

- They don't have braille books. - I didn't ask for that I

But here's a really interesting audiobook:

Kafka's "The Metamorphosis" read by Francesco Totti.

How about Cassano reading "War and Peace"?

I'll go ask.

Wait I I've got just the book for you.

José Saramago: Blindness. Could be good, right?

Doctor, in your condition,

this tragedy of you going blind will be a devastating blow...

so I suggest you vent.

Here's how.

- But this is a car I - This isn't a car.

This is THE car I

The car that belongs to Karl-Heinz, that ass from Frankfurt.

No... don't be a jerk.

We could get in trouble, put that away.

Don't miss out on this opportunity.

Vent, then you'll be blind and won't be able to do it again.

And if you try to do it, you'll be swinging blindly!

Maybe you're right.

Show me what you're made of.

Hit it, you can do better than that!

Envision the door as if it were your illness!

- Yes! - Karl-Heinz I

- You're a bastard I - Yes!

I can only see the first three lines.

The right eye has gone down three, the left four.

It's progressing.

Let's try this, is it any better?

Yes, much. I can read all the way to last line.

Given your situation, you might want to see a psychiatrist.

Gladly, but mine's run off to Ibiza with a male dancer.

Then I'll give you the number of my friend, a psychotherapist.

- Do you know what I do for work? - That's why I suggested it.

He does group therapy which is different from psychoanalysis.

I think it'll do you good.

As you might've noticed we have a newcomer. How are you?

Tell us a bit about you.

Hello, I'm Marcello, I'm 49,

I'm a psychoanalyst, and I'm depressed.

My life was perfect till 3 weeks ago, or so I thought.

Then I had to face a problem that is more than I can handle.

I've been having a strange dream lately:

I'm a child and just can't take the penalty kick.

I don't know what it means exactly.

My doctor convinced me to come here, so here I am.

Well first off, as for your illness

I'll diagnose that, not you.

Before saying that opening up is of no use to you,

listen to others and don't feel sorry for yourself.

- We do the same job. - I don't think so.

You assisted your patients,

I cure people. Those are two different things.

All one can do is improve, learn to live with his own ghosts,

bypass problems, that's all, trust me.

Here's some news that might really make you sick:

- One can be cured. - Oh really?

Start looking at things with new eyes. You never know.

"Kill a vegan and save a tree"

- Marcello, hi. - Hello.

- I'm a bit late. - Abit...

Van Gogh will be great.

- They're going at it! - So sweet.

- Thanks for taking me here. - Sure.

- I'd never been. - No way!

After all these years in Rome...

seeing it reminds me of "La Dolce Vita".

"Yes, Silvia".

- I never thought of that. - What?

Mastroianni and Ekberg are Marcello and Silvia, like me and you.

- I never saw the whole film. - Shame on you.

I saw some of iton TV...

What I remember best is the fountain scene.

- Perhaps not by chance. - Why?

Can I psychoanalyze you?

Remember why Mastroianni jumps in the fountain?

He does this crazy, irrational thing...

And opens up for the first time to this female character...

Maybe that's what is happening to you too?

You're jumping in the fountain for the first time.

Oh please...

Coin?

As a kid I understood everything, it was all so clear.

Dynamics between people, love, friendship.

I understood who was good and who was bad.

Then I got confused as I grew up.

You're telling me, I don't understand a thing anymore.

And you're a psychoanalyst. Your poor patients!

- How dare you, I'll fire you. - Done, thanks.

Are you rude to the guy in the photo too?

Who, Davide? No, I'm not.

- Then why'd you break up? - We didn't break up.

Sorry, I thought...

One morning we had breakfast as usual, he went out,

got on his scooter, and never returned.

Highway accident.

I'm sorry, so what now?

Nothing. I prefer to be alone.

It's hard to find a cool man nowadays.

Good night.

- Wake up, sir! - What?

Your mentally ill friend is on the phone.

Ymelda, go. Who is this?

Morning, dearest doctor. Listen, I need some tips.

I have a date tonight with a hot girl.

I want to avoid making the same mistakes, can you help?

Women usually seek out men who are charming, fun,

and crack jokes.

Hi, thanks for calling.

What are you wearing? You look like my granny's couch.

Where'd you get this, at the Goodwill?

Jerk I

Be gallant, gentlemanly, kind. Women need attention.

It's Silvia.

I really like it when a guy opens the car door for me.

Get back in, I wanted to open the door for you.

- No need. - I wanted to be gallant.

No, it's fine.

Get back in the car, don't piss me off I

I said no. You're out of your mind!

You've got mental issues, get some help!

Women want to be dominated, show her you're the one in charge.

I feel like having some peppered steak.

You'll eat a pizza and you'll like it!

Sorry, I was kidding...

- Your phone. - Quiet!

Shut it off.

I was waiting for Pellet II to call me with the score.

I'm the only asshole who isn't watching the Roma game.

Boor...

It's Mercedes. What is it?

I don't feel well, come over.

I can't, I'm with the doc at a whatshisface concert...

- Rachmaninoff I - Yeah.

My belly hurts, hurry!

Relax, must be all that garbage you people eat.

Troglodyte!

You've been dead for 6 years but you haven't noticed.

- Hello, is Mercedes in? - Yes.

- I can't. What's it called? - 8ancocho.

With all due respect for Sancocho...

Didn't the doctor tell you not to smoke while pregnant?

- You live with these greasebags? - These greasebags are my family.

You've misunderstood...

Greasebag is a term of endearment...

Plus, I feel like I'm one with your culture.

Music, maestro I

Check it out...

- Morning. - Morning, mail.

Your leg is doing better,

you no longer need the wheelchair!

- Yes, I'm better. - Awesome.

- Why's he so nice today? - Dunno...

Marcello, how's it going? You seem to be doing better.

Emotionally, yes. Physically, my vision's declining.

How are you newcomers doing?

Fine, and the decor here...

is pretty stylish... with all these fancy books...

This is my first time partaking in a group thing,

I must say I feel like I'm part of a new family

I can hang out with, shall we go out for a pizza?

Yes, and we can take a field trip to a shrine...

Vitaliana, where do you think you are?

Is it my turn?

I'm paying a pretty penny to be here and I don't shit money.

"I don't shit money"

is what I said when we walked in, it's my line.

It's yours, so you claim responsibility.

- Yes I Knock it off. - So what.

Enrico, are you with us?

Yes, I'm happy. And I feel glad because...

the guy I saw before was half-assed.

Poor guy.

Wow, this psychiatrist is hardcore.

He is and he's hot.

He said helping Marcello was the best therapy we ever did.

True.

Look mom, the losers have gathered to lose together now.

Are you still with that quack, Bernazzani?

Come darling, don't talk to the mentally ill.

Ignore her, we're already doing better.

I already feel like a new man.

- Mom? - New man...

Aunt Pina, why are you calling from mom's phone?

- Mom... - What happened?

Are we going out to eat? Pasta at Greaser's?

Greaser's dead? Chinese then?

- Thanks for coming. - It's our pleasure.

- Damn, this hag was ugly. - She's not at her best now.

- Knock it off. - Knock it off.

Now I know who Pasquale took after.

Everyone said I looked just like dad.

Indeed!

The other day she was roasting lamb, and now she's dead I

These are all the toys I've collected for 40 years.

Stuffed animals... robots... cars...

- These buses are nice. - I have over 300.

When I was a kid I dreamt of buying a bus.

- Why didn't you? - She said it was a waste of money.

- She, who? - Mom.

Easy... I just asked a question, is that a crime?

What are those? They look familiar.

The prizes that were inside of chocolate eggs.

- I thought so. - I had one, one.

She bought me one every day after school.

- Who? - Mom.

- My bad. - Twice already!

- One mistake. - Two.

Sorry, I need to pull myself together.

It's gotten late, want to stay for dinner?

- No... - No, thanks.

We'd be a bother.

You'd cook this late?

The fridge is stocked:

cannelloni, lasagna, gnocchi,

meat and potato stew, roast lamb,

offal and artichokes, omelet...

And an ambulance waiting outside?

No. But I have custard and tiramisu that she made.

- Who? - His mother I

- Not again! - You're tormenting me.

Can I help?

They don't have this in Cuba.

Easy on the food...

Then don't complain about erectile dysfunction...

Stop it.

- Thanks, it's all delicious. - Thanks.

- You're areal catch I - That bothers my nipple...

I was brushing off crumbs.

Quite a view from here.

You can see all of Rome from out here.

Even St. Peter's dome, small but visible.

- Where? - There.

Feeling better, Pasquale?

Well... thanks to you... yes.

- Are you sure? - Yes.

How about we turn on the TV...

the Germany-Italy game is on, I'm dying to watch it.

- That's Michelangelo! - He's a commentator.

If you keep scolding him things will only get worse.

Give him a break.

Do you even realize the frustration I live with?

He was a normal man until social networks appeared.

Now he's gone, in a world of his own.

What was the last nice thing you said to him?

- I have no conscious memory. - See?

- The last time you kissed him? - New Year's Eve. 2010?

2009 max.

Change your attitude and soon he'll even be dancing.

Right... if I see him dance then he can be cured!

The game... isn't that a bit much?

- Pasquale just lost his mom. - You're right, I'll handle it.

- Don't feel obliged to... - I'm watching the game.

Zaza breaks free and...

Goal I

Yes I Screw you, Germans!

Damn Krauts I

Wurstel is disgusting! Goethe was a clown!

Merkel is a hippopotamus.

Rotten bastards who steal wives from good men like me!

I'm talking to you, Karl-Heinz Schitz I

Schitz, the most fitting last name!

Go to hell I Bastard I

Michelangelo caused a real mess.

He caused tension between Italy and Germany.

They want a formal apology from our president.

- He got fired too. - Not surprised.

Poor guy.

Cheers.

- Don't like it? - It's boiling.

- I like your paintings. - Your vision must be getting worse.

They're cheery, nothing like Caravaggio though.

I told you I was slightly less talented than him.

- Why's this blank? - It's a wall in need of an artist.

- Have you ever painted? - No.

Here.

I'll take you dancing tonight.

There's a Taranta festival.

That'd be nice... but it's best I don't.

- Anything wrong? - No, everything's fine.

Tonight would've been mine and Davide's anniversary.

I can't come, it seems wrong.

Sorry, I didn't know.

We did a good job on this!

Let's dance.

- No way. - Let's dance the pizzica.

Not my style.

But I'll show them...

You're so damn hot.

Shazam doesn't recognize this song. Here.

- Forme? - Yes.

Thanks, how sweet of you.

Really?

You know, I do care about you.

Do you need money?

Never mind... I'll go dance on my own...

- 1 don't dance, I'll be here. - I know.

Hi, Nora I

Pasquale? Since when do you dance the pizzica?

I've always been a pizzica fiend!

A new conquest? Did you meet at the pediatrician?

- What's so funny, idiot? - Got a problem?

- Ignore him, he's mentally ill. - Easy.

Get lost, take a walk.

You oafs I

Everything okay? You sure?

- Hello. - Hello, how are my tests?

Not so good.

- How long do I have left? - A month and a half maybe.

I was hoping I'd improved.

But I have some news.

There's a doctor in Germany who cures patients like you.

He said if he operates right away he might save your vision.

- It's just that... - What?

It's a very complex operation

and if it doesn't work, you'd go blind right away.

You have to make a choice.

Thanks.

"Romeo and Juliet"

Marcello, you know...

Good thing you didn't come. I thought it was going to be funny.

But Romeo and Juliet die, I wanted to die too.

I wanted to tell you we did the amniocentesis.

Apparently the kid's healthy. That's good. Bye.

Doctor 7 Hello.

I wanted to ask you...

if you think I can hit on Vitaliana.

She turns me on.

Last night she dreamt she was doing a shrink in a Dumpster.

She's nuts I

Doctor, we haven't seen you in a week, are you okay?

I was calling to tell you that this morning at 6:56

a miracle occurred.

Enrico had a slight erection. We're thrilled.

I fear it may be a physiological event

not necessarily due to authentic sexual arousal

but just a morning occurrence.

- Show some optimism. - It's the truth.

Let us at least enjoy this paranormal phenomenon...

Goodbye.

Feet down, please.

Will you pick up? It's been a week.

We have a special gift we'd like to give to you.

If you don't call, I'll barge into your house.

I miss you.

- Where is he? - Not home. Help, don't rape me.

- You wish, get lost. - Help, Mr. Marcello!

Ymelda, what's going on? Freeze!

Lower that bow, you're half-blind.

- Why are you here? - To see how you're doing.

- I'm fine, now leave. - Lower that bow.

I'd like to die from a painful, gradual disease like normal people.

- What's with you? - What's with you?

Do I need your permission to be alone?

We just thought we were friends.

We are, now get out!

- We're here to help you. - Who, you?

Go play with your toy soldiers.

- You're a real asshole. - Atleast I'm not a pusher.

Do you hear yourself?

You're here for your own problems, not for friendship.

This guy's impotent, she's a nymphomaniac.

- He's still a virgin. - Are you a virgin?

Yes.

Think you can come unload your problems here because I'm blind?

- Forget it. - Enough, you've gone too far.

And I forgot to mention Silvia, our Florence Nightingale

who thinks her life is over.

She'd rather play carer for a blind man

than have a normal love story.

Know what? You shouldn't worry about losing your sight.

You spent your whole life not seeing.

In any case, we came to give you this.

Here.

Andrea, I screwed up.

- Big time. - What happened?

- I need to see you. - I'm not in the office.

- Where are you? - The cafe.

- I feel awful. - No kidding.

You got two things confused.

You transformed a physical problem into a mental one.

- What can I do? - Separate them.

Even if you do go blind,

that doesn't mean you can't hang out with friends or fall in love.

True.

Remember your penalty kick dream?

- I dreamt it last night. - The issue isn't scoring a goal.

- It's taking the penalty kick. - Exactly.

So take it, take the damn penalty kick!

Now if you don't mind...

I'll take my penalty kick, that lady really turns me on.

Coffee?

Nazzareno, sorry for calling so late.

- What is it? - I'm an ass.

I know.

I didn't mean those things that I said. Sorry.

I could forgive you,

but after what you said to Silvia it'll take more than a call.

What should I do? I don't want to lose her.

Chill out. I'll get dressed, call Tubby, and see you soon.

- Hi. - Sorry.

- Well? What is that? - Arose.

A rose, are you kidding? Try to be more heterosexual, man.

- I paid for that. - Did you study?

Yes, but I don't know if it's a good idea.

- Who wrote this bullshit? - Carbohydrate wrote them.

I strike out with girls, but I've seen lots of films,

- Trust me, it works. - It's a good idea.

But these rhymes... plus I've never sung alone.

We're not alone.

I called some pals from Scruffburg, they'll help us out.

Guys!

One, two, three, and four...

I'm a dummy

I didn't realize that your love was thawing me

Bobobon...

- No, cut out the sound effects. - It works, it's Spanishy.

- Does "bobon" work? - Yes...

I was as cold as a plaice fillet buried in the freezer

Bobobonbon...

Dead and buried for nearly 50 years

I was a multitalented corpse

But then you came along

With that wholesome face of yours

And took me by the hand

Stubborn and a bit romantic

Fellini and Caravaggio

Are your poetic pillars

- You are... - Full...

Full of bravery.

You are full of bravery

Even charisma

Bobobonbon...

If you ask me, we should only do "bobobon" here.

Can I step in?

It's late.

You're right, it's late.

So forgive him

He's a cowardly candy-ass buffoon and I've gone easy on you...

Gee thanks. Cowardly candy-ass buffoon...

Apologies call for truthfulness.

About me?

I'm an asshat...

- What? - It's the truth.

- It's a Roman song. - "Asshat" isn't Roman?

- What do you say in Rome? - Scumsucker.

But that's three syllables...

I'm a scumsucker, candy-ass jerk in my innermost conscious

Bobonbonbon...

I'm practical, pathetic, spineless, in essence, a psycho

But then I came along

I'm anything but wholesome

I'm brimming with passion

And romance to boot

And if I am able to forgive

this nervous breakdown you had

It's because my artistic soul is able to dream

Bobobon I

Not too shabby, huh?

Hey deadbeats, some of us need to sleep.

No need to be rude.

It's only 4:00 AM, chill out.

Doctor, I dreamt you were standing in front of me,

buck naked wearing socks.

And I started licking your nipples,

flicking them

until the nipple became hard and I flicked.. flicked...

Vitaliana, flicked... flicked...

Oh God, so sorry.

How embarrassing. Will you forgive me, doctor?

What am I, a priest?

If you dream of making love to me it means you're better.

But all the other licking and flicking stuff...

that's just useless and annoying, but you're better.

So is Pasquale,

who's finally questioning his relationship with his mother.

Good.

First off, thanks. I've decided to get the operation.

If it doesn't go well, at least I tried.

I'm leaving tomorrow.

I'm going to Germany to take that penalty kick.

Don't worry, I'll see you soon.

"See", so to speak.

That nutcase was a psychoanalyst, can you believe it?

- Doc, want a ride? - Why are you here?

- Want a ride? - To the airport, thanks.

Forget the airport, I've got a used bus

that'll drive from Rome to Germany.

- Inabus? - Yes!

- You are crazy. - Thanks to our old shrink.

But that's not all, we have a hostess too I

Here I am!

- But I have a plane ticket. - No problem.

- I'll get a refund? - Sure.

- You look gorgeous. - Thanks.

No?

- I liked that. - Good.

Is this seat free?

It's reserved for a jerk.

Then it's mine.

A new shirt to replace the one I painted.

I didn't throw that one away. But thanks.

- Sorry. - It's okay.

- Mind if I stand near you? - Not at all.

- I find pilots charming. - I'm a driver, not a pilot.

Well, are you ready to leave?

Yep.

- Such roaring enthusiasm. - Right?

- What do we have here? - A nipple.

- I need to drive now. - He was rude to me, how sweet I

- Pasquale, everything okay? - Yes.

- Aren't you hungry? - Do I look like I'm not hungry?

Then take the first right.

- The food's good here? - Hope so.

- You've never been here? - No.

Oh great...

What exactly is "Tonco del Pontesel"?

It's a typical dish from this area,

it's a stew made of pork, veal, beef,

browned in lard and onions, and with a side of potatoes.

Some novices cook it with cheap Pinot.

- But expert chefs know... - It's made with Nosiola.

Exactly.

My father taught me that.

Remember the last time we cooked together?

Of course.

10 years ago, Christmas at your mom's.

I cooked risotto with osso buco and eggplant parmesan.

Pasta with clams, and meatballs.

No. It was when I told you I was moving here with Lorenzo.

Oh right, at my house...

Why are you here, dad?

Well, for more than one reason.

Because I wanted to cook with you,

I wanted to look at you,

and I feel I've missed out on so much in all these years.

Hey, what's going on?

You're giving birth, are you kidding?

- She's giving birth. - But she's only 7 months.

- So it's premature. - Pasquale, stop the bus!

What's wrong?

- Call an ambulance. - Have you seen where we are?

- We have no reception here. - What are you looking at?

You're a doctor, deliver the baby.

- But I'm a psychoanalyst. - And a shitty one too.

- Push Mercedes, push! - Youcandoit!

- Focus on breathing. - lcan'tdoit.

Inhale, exhale.

Inhale, exhale.

Again, inhale, exhale.

- Oh God! - Beached Pasquale!

Never mind him, ignore him, he's morbidly obese.

- You're a strong Blackie! - Don't scare her.

Just relax.

A woman asks her gynecologist:

"Can I have sex with my husband after childbirth?"

"Yes, but wait till the midwife leaves the room."

Get it? Good one...

Are you the only ones allowed to say bullshit?

See? It worked I

Hello.

Sorry I can't be there for the operation.

They told me...

Marcellino can't leave the hospital yet.

Marcellino? Are you sure about that name?

Absolutely. Named after the doctor who delivered him.

- Want to smoke? - I told you I don't smoke.

This isn't cheap shit, this hash is from Kabul.

Your loss!

Speaking of my son, I've been thinking...

about improving myself, growing up, changing.

Not just for me, for my child.

He deserved more than a hash-pushing dad.

Wow Nazzareno, I'm impressed.

I think I'll move on to cocaine.

- Cocaine? - I know, it's a lot riskier.

But it's a lot more money, and we'll need it I

If he wants to go to college or buy himself a Porsche.

- Gimme that joint. - You get my drift.

- Don't give up. - I'd never give up.

- Let's go. - Coming.

Tubby is jealous.

Take care.

- It's cold in Germany. - Damn right.

This is your key, Mr. Bernazzani.

And these are yours.

You all have rooms near your friend who arrived a short while ago.

- What friend? - The cool guy.

In order to be a real friend,

I must confront this shitty country

which also gave us good stuff: Oktober Fest and Borussia Dortmund team.

Very manly.

Michelangelo gave you quite a surprise.

Sweet man.

Germany's welcoming you with open arms.

That's not the only thing he's opening...

- Whoisit? - Room service.

- I didn't order anything. - I know, I didn't bring anything.

- I'm organizing my bag. - May I?

- I'll close this so there's no draft. - What draft?

- Nice dress. - This?

- It's a nightgown. - Looks like a sundress.

Why would I pack a sundress for Germany?

- Nice room. - How's yours?

Identical.

- Reason for this visit? - Listen...

I have a little problem.

Since I may not see a damn thing as of tomorrow...

I thought I'd like to see one last beautiful thing: you.

And how will you resolve this little problem?

Like this, perhaps.

- Will that suffice? - I hoped so.

But I have to do this too.

- My turn. - What are you doing?

I'll do this.

But I can't see a thing. I might...

You can kiss without seeing!

What's with you tonight? Have you gone mad?

Maybe it's the time zone difference.

We're in Germany, there is none!

Then it's you!

You said something sweet I

- That's good, no? - It's good!

- So do you like your first time? - It's killer.

- love you! - love you!

Kiss I

Can I lick your nipple?

You're obsessed. No, don't do it.

- Let me tongue-bang it. - Okay, but go easy.

Wow, those guys are really getting wild!

Light!

I'll snap off your legs.

I'll leave.

I respect one's sexual inclination but I won't incline!

Hello Dr. Bernazzani, how are you?

- What? - He asked how you're doing.

- You speak German? - Yes, I studied it.

Really?

Did you ever read my CV?

Not surprised.

Based on the tests we've run,

your situation is rather bad.

This operation is your last resort.

Let it be clear, a successful outcome isn't a given.

- What did he say? - He's very optimistic.

Well... I'm ready. How do I say it?

Let's start.

Pre-anesthesia.

I love you.

Marcello...

How odd.

See those farmers down there?

They look like Nazzareno's friends from Scruffburg.

Remember I told you about them?

That fat one, for example, looks like Porky.

While the tall one looks just like Pellet 11.

Who looks like Pellet I and Pellet 111.

See that hill right over there?

It looks like St. Peter's dome.

That eggplant parmesan was to die for, right?

The omelet wasn't though, let's be honest.

And that hut down there,

reminds me of that Van Gogh painting we saw together.

Yes, indeed.

No... doctor?

Doctor I Doctor I Here...

Look, Marcello!

- Is he dancing? - Yes.

He's cured.

Archery isn't a sport, it's an art.

You don't need to see the target because the target's in you.

You must become one with the bow, arrow, target...

take a deep breath and wait for your soul to tell you

when to shoot.

Damn, did he hit the target?

He can see better now than before.

I know it's late Karl-Heinz, I've come to apologize.

The time has come to bury the hatchet!

Sorry for destroying your BMW,

offending you on TV,

but understand my pain: you took my wife from me.

Karl-Heinz, forgive me and drop the charges.

First: my name isn't Karl-Heinz it's Romolo.

Second: I don't have a BMW, I have a junker.

Third: I only have one wife... this one.

Take her if you want.

I wanted to share this dream I had.

I was in some country, I think it was Colombia or Mozambique,

in Latin America somewhere.

I was on a motorcycle driving straight ahead, at ease.

There were people everywhere, to my left and right,

tons of people laughing and waving.

They were all Blackies.

And the odd thing is, I was happy.

Really happy.

Subtitles: Laser S. Film s.r.l. - Rome