Original subtitles

Mr. and Miss Bealer are charged with instigating

a food fight at the Times Square Bubba Gump shrimp.

Interesting.

I didn't know they served food at Bubba Gump Shrimp.

In their statement,

that couple blames their altercation

on the restaurant's lack of self service,

forcing them to quote, "talk to each other."

I know there are disagreements in every marriage,

but culinary violence is never the answer.

$100 fine.

Believe it or not, you're the third defendants this week

with shrimp in their hair.

Couples like that are why I don't want to rush

into a relationship with Jake.

Right now, it's just so new and fun.

We can't stop talking at restaurants.

It takes us forever to order.

Waiters hate us.

Trust me, it's not just the waiters.

You're just jealous because the last woman you dated

is writing you letters on toilet paper from prison.

She had her letter writing privileges revoked

because she was using her pen as a shovel.

Wow, your relationships make me feel a lot better

about my horrendous divorce.

Next up, The People versus Pete McGuiness.

Mr. McGuiness is a landlord

charged with excessive use of force,

for physically throwing his tenants out onto the streets.

And who are the tenants?

Hello, Judge.

It's so nice and warm in here.

I should like to stay forever.

He forcibly removed orphans?

They're not orphans.

They're a children's theater troupe

that only does "Oliver".

The defendant ruthlessly punted the actors out on to the street

after he double booked his property as a wedding venue.

Which means that if you rule in the favor

of these fame hungry pre-adults,

you'll be blowing up countless weddings.

You better not be blowing up my wedding, Tiny.

Did I mention that one of the weddings is Roz Russell's?

The court directs the cute orphan

to please make big sad eyes at Roz.

Will you be my mum?

Oh, shut up.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --

Sorry you lost your venue.

You know what, though? Big weddings are over hyped.

Sarah and I actually considered eloping.

I wouldn't want any witnesses if I was marrying you either.

Think I found a great place for your wedding.

It's in the heart of Manhattan, it's an historical landmark,

and it has so many security cameras,

you can fire your videographer.

- She's talking about here. - I'm talking about here.

Considering the wedding is tomorrow,

what the hell choice do I have?

That's the quiet resignation I was hoping for.

And the best part is the place comes with an officiant

who's never had the honor,

but suspects it's the thing they were born to do.

- She's talking about her. - I'm talking about me!

We have an officiant. I'd invite you as a guest,

but we're still waiting on a couple of RSVPs.

Dan, are you seriously considering not going to Roz's wedding?

I'm seriously considering not going anywhere ever again.

That's fine.

I don't need him there drinking my booze

and throwing rice way too hard.

Okay, since you're both closed off weirdos, let me translate.

Dan, Roz would like you to go to her wedding

because you mean a lot to her.

And, Roz, Dan is afraid that he's gonna have feelings

and people will see he's a person.

- Way off. - Ridiculous.

But yeah, I guess I could stop by.

Having you here would be fine.

God, you closed off weirdos are gonna make me cry.

Maybe losing the venue was a blessing in disguise.

Well, then we're loaded with blessings

'cause this wedding has already had so many things go wrong already.

I don't mean to eavesdrop, but I have been.

Have you considered it's sabotage?

I mean, I imagine as a PI,

you've made plenty of enemies along the way.

Sabotage would explain how we've lost a florist,

a deejay, and most of our string quartet.

Miss Russell, would you make me the happiest woman in the world

and let me run security at your wedding?

For free?

You can do whatever the hell you want.

That's the quiet resignation I was hoping for.

I hope you all have fun at the party.

I'll just be quietly practicing the electric slide alone,

even though having the wedding here was my idea.

- You can come. - Yay!

That way, if anything goes wrong,

I can find you

and I can blame you.

Yay.

The ceremony was nice. I guess.

If I was officiating,

I would have done better than "building this house on love."

2013 called and wants its metaphors back.

You're cute when you're snarky.

You're also cute when you're not snarky.

This is just kind of a long way of saying you're cute.

And this is kind of a short way of saying I'm nauseated.

Listen, just because I'm here, don't expect me to go to your wedding

when you decide to blonde for all eternity.

Our wedding? That is the farthest thing from our minds.

Yeah, no, we're just keeping things casual.

Yeah. Good luck with that.

Weddings are the foot on the gas of every relationship.

Oof, now I'm gonna have to learn your name.

I want to say Chester.

That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Yeah, if anything, I'm more of a Chase than a Chester.

No, I mean, the idea that this wedding

would kick our relationship into a higher gear.

Like just by being here,

all of a sudden, I'm gonna be like, "Oh, you should meet my mom."

I mean, she is in town,

but I'm not introducing her to someone I'm casually dating.

Yeah, we don't want to bring a mom into this hotness.

We are nowhere near meeting parents.

Well, parent. I've never met my biological father.

I don't know why I chose this moment

to drop that super not casual bomb.

Because Dan is right about weddings.

Maybe we should just come up with some rules

to keep things light.

I love that. Nothing says fun and casual

like a boatload of rules.

First rule, no heavy conversations.

Yep. Just small talk and playful banter starting now.

Perfect.

I did consider searching for my dad once.

Sorry. Now it's out of my system.

So we made it through Roz and Loretta's ceremony,

but we're not out of the woods yet.

The saboteur could strike at any time.

So I need you hidden, every table,

listening to every conversation.

Beating a confession out of anyone who looks at us wrong.

Like that guy.

That's Loretta's daddy.

Interesting, because he told me he was Roz's father in law.

Someone can't keep his story straight.

I haven't been to a wedding since my divorce.

I was worried it was gonna bring up a lot of emotions,

but I'm holding it together pretty lonely right now.

Here you go.

What are you wearing? You're supposed to be a waiter.

In this dress? No one's gonna buy that.

But off your idea, why don't I go on to cover as a guest?

Ooh, I'll start by chatting up the partners

at Loretta's law firm.

I don't know. What's your cover story?

I'm a seasoned trial lawyer

who's trying to get out of a dead end job

where I'm surrounded by bozos.

Oh, you got a real mind for this.

Yeah, but excuse me.

I really shouldn't be seen talking to the staff.

So, which signature cocktail do you recommend?

The "I'm Loretta sour" or "Sex on the Roz"?

- Eight rosés, please. - Oh, no, Sorry, ma'am.

Tonight they're "Roz-és".

They're not for me. I'm at the unmarried aunts table.

And I'm hoping the wine works as a mute button.

Oh, okay. Well, you know what?

- Mm-hmm. - If that doesn't work out,

you can join me at the singles table.

It's largely children.

Their screens have been taken away.

So basically it's just a knife fight waiting to happen.

Your eight wines, ma'am.

Well, how about I drop these off and meet you back here.

Oh, great.

I can feel you smiling.

And I can feel you feeling.

Banner day, Dan.

- Banner fricking day. - Just a second.

Hey, Roz, who's that woman?

She seems very familiar.

She should.

You argued against her sister

in this courthouse for the better part of a decade.

That's Christine Sullivan's sister?

Yeah. Katie.

We met through Christine

and ended up seeing a lot of each other.

Now Dan wants to see a lot of her.

Too bad she hates him.

- Damn it, Fielding. What did you do? - Nothing!

Well, except maybe moving to DC to be with Christine,

pledging my undying love,

and then just disappearing with no explanation.

You know, that was a long time ago.

And she didn't seem to hate me just now.

Oh, maybe I didn't tell her who I was.

Well, you don't want to drink in your face?

I'd keep it that way.

Message received.

Challenge accepted.

Flobert, I need your help making me look good

to someone who hates my guts.

But you cannot say my name, and you cannot tell Roz.

Roz?! The lady the drink's named after is here?

Oh.

I hope this goes better than the time I met Arnold Palmer.

Hi there. Olivia Moore.

So happy for Loretta, et cetera, et cetera.

Oh, I heard that you're looking for new associates.

Maybe an outside hire.

Someone who's quietly saying her name

to sneak it into your subconscious.

Olivia.

You're in my seat.

- Devin. - Olivia.

What's that perfume?

Desperation by Calvin and Hobbes?

So, you work at Loretta's law firm?

Don't tell me you made partner

'cause then I would need to reintroduce myself

and adjust my tone. Olivia.

I got passed over, but don't worry, I got big plans.

So if you'll excuse me, I need some face time with the boss.

I...

Gina, you're looking well. Devin.

Everyone having a good time? Hm?

They come to an end, you know?

Wyatt, you see that guy over there?

He's boss blocking me. I need you to get him drunk.

Smart, Olivia. Focus on career.

Career can't leave you and take the dog you've trained.

Flobert, I need you to take that guy out of commission.

- Booze or poison? - Thank you.

Can I just say we are killing it at keeping it light.

Just casually grinding like you would any random piece of ass

you meet at a wedding.

Oh, thank you.

And let me just say you are also a hot, disposable rando.

Oh, it's a slow one.

- Nice change of piece. - Yeah.

- No. No. - No, not today, wedding!

Hold on.

- No! - What? My shoe's untied.

Tie it tomorrow!

Okay. Okay. Okay. I'm gonna let you in a little secret.

When you see "anonymous donor"...

- Here you go, sir. - Uh-huh.

- Um... Thank you, my man. - It's an open bar, sir.

Oh, that's for you. Don't worry about it.

Can't stop giving.

- Wow. A $50! - Hey!

Uh... You know what?

They should make those different colors, shouldn't they?

I just realized that I still haven't gotten your name. I'm Katie.

Oh, I think we've established that I'm anonymous.

But of course... of course I have a name.

There he is, the bravest, most decent man I have ever known.

This man is a hero.

You know, every year, he shaves that beard

and sends the hair to kids in other countries

who can't grow their own beards.

Whatever you're doing, do less.

Copy that.

This man is a coward!

Who hit me with this car and drove away.

That was an absurd over correction.

Oh, look at you two talking.

I'll just take this drink out of your throwing hand.

I was just hearing about all the volunteer work that...

Sorry. I still haven't gotten your name.

Oh, did he not volunteer that?

Oh, I'm sorry.

What's that, sir? Oh, yeah. What?

Oh, you said you would like to make a toast?

Oh, I'm really not in a good place.

Oh, no. You know, you're right.

Let's get you in front of a microphone. Here we go.

Listen, everybody. Probably my generous nature talking,

but I think we should give our full attention to this waiter. Go!

Uh, I didn't expect to speak, but treasure today.

Later you may find yourself dealing with divorce lawyers

and your ex wife could have a new boyfriend

who gave a toast at your wedding with a lot of innuendo

you probably should have picked up on.

But true love is worth that risk.

And when you find it...

... hold on.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

Let's hope this doesn't kick off a wave of toasts.

Yeah, the last thing we need is a bunch of half cocked sap hounds

trying to get us to be all lovey dovey.

So if this isn't working on us,

why you holding my hand?

'Cause you're holding my hand, you sap hound!

Oh, you're picturing us playing with our kids, aren't you?

We're using the cushions from the couch to build a fort.

Abby, the wedding's winning.

I feel the walls closing in.

It's not the walls. It's the bouquet toss.

- We got to get out of here! - You might as well just catch it.

The wedding's not gonna stop till it gets what it wants.

It's got to catch me first.

Oh.

Oh, go!

I'm starting to think that Abby might be the saboteur.

That's better than watching them dance.

I heard you tipped the bartender 50 bucks.

I have been lying to your ex girlfriend's sister

all night and haven't seen a dime.

Thanks a lot, Dan Fielding!

You're Dan Fielding?

So this was you trying to make yourself look good?

No, not at all. I was just trying to show you

that I am not the man I was.

I've changed.

Oh, I don't know.

Because you still seem like the same selfish jerk

that didn't bother to show up to my sister's funeral.

No. Kate.

Be a waste not to.

There it is.

Closing argument for why we should change

our judicial selection process.

New York State has tons of pictures of me

eating cake off myself, and I'm still here.

Huh.

Oh, I've got some news.

Katie Sullivan hates me

because I didn't go to her sister's funeral.

Oh.

Sometimes in life...

Nope. Can't put a positive spin on that one.

The fact is I was there.

I was hiding behind a row of poplar trees

'cause I didn't want to intrude.

Christine Sullivan was the best person I have ever met,

and I was in love with her,

and miraculously, she started to have feelings for me.

And I pushed her away and then left

because I thought, you know, maybe I wasn't good enough for her.

Dan...

- you weren't. - Hmm.

I can see how fear can make you push someone away,

sometimes into a cake.

Almost never into a cake. That's just you.

You know, Christine made me a better man.

I would have never had the life I did with Sarah

if it hadn't been for Christine Sullivan.

You could say all that to Katie.

Eh, what's the point? She'd just think I was lying.

Well, I guess the important thing is that you know, right?

Come on, let's go get you a Loretta-colada.

Yeah.

Hey, you don't want your copy?

- You clean up nice. - Hm.

You sure Dan won't mind me borrowing his spare suit?

Oh, yeah, it's fine. It's not even his good spare.

- It's the one he eats ribs in. - Um.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

We said no sharing food, especially the adorable ones.

Well, when I was riding you like a surfboard into a wedding cake,

I realized it's not the wedding.

It's us.

I don't want to be casual, Jake.

Oh, me neither.

I'm exhausted from being so chill.

The truth is I want to slow dance.

I want to hold hands, and I want you to meet my mom.

I want to meet your mom and your dad.

- Still don't know who he is. - Right.

- Let's start with your mom. - All right.

Muah.

You know what? I'm gonna go call her.

Okay. Okay.

- Just leave the cake-pop. - Right.

Everyone can relax. The wedding is safe.

- I found our guy. - Devin?!

It's one of yours.

You can't prove I did anything.

You're a witness, Counselor.

You're right.

Sure you're bitter that Loretta got the promotion,

but to sabotage a whole wedding? Mnh-mnh.

That'd take a far greater mind than yours.

Well, joke's on you because this isn't a real wedding.

I planted a fake officiant, and these two never got married.

Wait, weren't not really married?

I can feel you smiling.

And I can feel you needing an officiant.

- She just talking about her. - I'm talking about me!

All rise.

The wedding is now in session.

Welcome, everyone, to Roz and Loretta take two.

I know this wasn't your first choice of venue.

Or second.

We almost converted to get a synagogue on Long Island.

But I think this place is very special.

My dad always said a million stories came in

through these court room doors.

And I personally think the best kind is a love story.

Roz and Loretta,

we are so incredibly lucky

to be witnessing the official beginning

of your love story here tonight.

Move it along, Stone. The deejay's on clock.

By the power vested me by the State of New York,

I sentence you to eternity together.

$50 fine and time served.

Oh, sorry, reflex.

I don't know why I'm crying.

I don't even know these people.

You know something?

We keep dancing like this, Loretta is gonna get jealous.

I'm just distracting you so she can steal your wallet

and get us a better gift.

Oh, isn't the best gift friendship?

Fine. I'll get you some booze.

May I cut in?

- Uh, really? I... - Don't talk.

I have a feeling you're ruin it.

- Usually. - Always.

Abby. Hey, this is my mom, Susan.

Oh, it's so nice to meet you.

I'd say I've heard so much about you,

but Jake and I were keep it at cazsh until like 20 minutes ago.

That's funny because he told me all about you.

Oh.

Thanks, Mom. I'll get you something from the bar.

Your drink still Scotch and blabbermouth?

So, is this your first time in New York?

No, I lived here in the '80s.

Before I had Jake,

I actually dated a lawyer who worked in this courthouse.

What a small world.

I wonder if the guy you dated knew...

Huh.

How long before Jake was born did you date this lawyer?

A little under a year.

I'm out of cake pops,

and I think that Dan might be your boyfriend's dad.

Just so you know, I am real bad at keeping secrets.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --