Original subtitles

- Synced and corrected by actumaxime - - www.addic7ed.com -

Fred Hilderman is charged with operating

an illegal vehicle down the West Side Highway.

Your Honor, the defendant was caught driving this to work

in an attempt to make his morning commute "radical."

We ask for leniency, as this vehicle

is far less annoying than those Bird scooters.

Surprised you feel that way.

You love watching people fall off things.

As for you, $200 fine and traffic school.

Sorry to burst your bubble.

Wait. You don't have any horrible diseases, do you?

Too old. Too small.

Oh! Those bushes are out of control.

What dating app are you on?

I'm looking at real-estate listings.

I've only found one place above 63rd in my price range.

It was a middle bunk in a hostel,

and I lost it to a Saudi prince.

Today just keeps getting better.

I rescued a cab from an old man trying to wave it down.

Then I heard a barista say, "Deb."

I thought, "Close enough." Free coffee!

Now I find out you can't afford an apartment near mine?

Nothing can ruin this day.

Uh, Dan, your clients

in the next case wanted to talk to you.

Mr. Fielding! We meet again.

If I don't turn around...

are they really there?

Bob and June Wheeler.

What the hell? It's not even raining.

The Wheelers! My dad told me all about them.

They're the two unluckiest people

to ever step foot in this courtroom.

And that includes the guy who drove a truck full of black cats

through the world's largest mirror.

Unlucky? Really? Pbht.

What a bunch of superstitious bull...

Okay. That was inside thunder.

Check out this evidence for the next case!

The cops busted a black-market sound-effects ring.

It's gonna be a fun night.

Well, after 30 years,

this place hasn't changed one bit.

Judge Stone. You look the same.

I am really excited to meet you.

I know you guys look like the Great Depression,

but you make me so happy.

The charge is animal hoarding.

It all started when our Great-Grandma Wheeler

recently died.

I'm sorry.

- Your great-grandmother recently died? - Yes.

Our bad grandma is still with us.

As someone who has heard your stories before,

could we skip the next, I don't know, three calamities

and get to the point?!

Granny left us a Manhattan townhouse,

a charming two-bed, two-bath,

and haunted as the day is long.

Those poor ghosts.

Luckily, we knew how to get rid of them suckers.

Sacrifice a sheep.

But when we got the sheep, we fell in love with him.

It was just friend love.

We couldn't kill him. So we got another sheep.

And then we fell in love with that sheep, too.

That happened another 74 times.

At least we thinkit was 74.

Every time we try counting them, we fall asleep.

Can a lawyer plead insanity?

Your Honor, for what it's worth, the home

was actually certified haunted by...

"Jovan the Psychic."

Shut the front door!

Jovan is the most respected psychic in New York!

It takes four years to book a session with her!

Unless you're dead. Then she's got all the time in the world.

Objection! The law does not recognize the paranormal.

And these two definitely aren't a "pair of normal."

$500 fine. And get those sheep to a farm.

Just don't count and drive.

I can't believe I saw the Wheelers!

Can't believe I saw the Wheelers.

Hey, Wyatt, whenever you get a chance,

could you get me their contact information?

I thought you stopped sending edible arrangements

to everyone you convict after that study showed

it led to a rise in crime.

Violence is down since I switched to cookie cakes.

I want to ask the Wheelers to put me in touch with Jovan.

Their psychic? Oh, come on.

You don't believe in all that nonsense.

I think there's a lot that can't be explained...

ghosts, psychics...

how Diane Lane is still a smoke show.

There are secret stores for rich people.

How many times do I have to tell you that?

I'm with the judge on this.

Diane Lane? Mwah!

And also the universe is full of mysteries.

It's not all black-and-white.

Yeah, like people can be green or red.

If she starts saying crazy stuff, I take back my support.

It's called synesthesia.

Whenever I meet someone, I see them as a color.

Like Gurgs is a Green, and you two are Reds.

Red? Seems, uh, not great.

- No offense. - None listened.

The colors don't mean anything. They're totally random.

Like, Gandhi is a Green, and Stalin is a Red.

Gandhi and Stalin don't seem random!

You know, I knew your father believed

in all this hocus pocus,

but I was kind of hoping it skipped the generation.

My dad was into magic tricks,

but he didn't believe in anything supernatural.

Debating it turned into a little hobby for us.

Some kids go with their parents to baseball games

and argue "Mets versus Yankees."

My dad and I would go to haunted houses and psychics

and argue "real versus grift."

- We're actually still debating it. - Still?

Before he died, we made a deal.

If I could find a psychic who would repeat the secret phrase

that only my dad and I knew,

it would prove there really was more out there.

Yeah, well, I got to say, I like the idea

of family arguments going into eternity.

What I would give to yell in Mom's face just one more time.

So far, no psychic has gotten it right.

And, believe me, I've tried.

But Jovan is supposed to be the best.

And I think the Wheelers are my way in.

Oh, the Wheelers are your way into only two things...

a Ponzi scheme or a building that's about to collapse...

during a sheep orgy.

Hey, has the judge done that thing where she tells you...

I'm a Green. Olivia's a Red.

So I'm a Dan, a Stalin, and an Olivia?

- It doesn't mean anything. - Of course you’d say that.

You're the good one.

Maybe there is something to it.

I'm a cursed Red!

And that's why I can't find an apartment

that I don't have to share with the cats who legally own it.

How dare you joke about curses when you know

I was given one by an ex-boyfriend

who is also a practicing witch.

Gurgs, we've been over this. You are not cursed.

Then how do you explain that every time I'm in line,

it's the bad one?

Airport security. Grocery store.

Remember that log-flume explosion?

Two hours to make it to the front, then, boom, no flume.

Any luck getting in touch with the Wheelers?

Not really.

On their intake form, under "phone number,"

they wrote "Big fire."

And their e-mail address is

Wheelers3@russian-scam.scam.

Gotta figure out a way to smoke 'em out.

What if I get some glasses,

dust off my German accent, and post an ad as...

Dr. Glossheimer, a grief therapist

for people who lost zheir fluffy white sheep?

Good idea. Now...

try it with the accent.

Or you could just look over zair.

Do you sell bird repellent?

When we left the courthouse,

we were descended upon by a vengeful murder of crows.

They flew us several blocks

before we successfully broke free.

I hope my robe doesn't make me look too much like a crow.

- Aah! - Oh, no! Not again!

You found us guilty,

so I'm afraid we can't help you with Jovan.

Like the crow, Bob is quite vengeful.

Also like the crow,

I've got the problem-solving skills of a third grader.

I really need to talk to her,

and I'm willing to do whatever it takes...

although I'd like to keep my organs.

Any wiggle room on the kidneys?

It's just that they're really in there.

You could babysit our little Carol Ann for a few days

while we relocate our sheep.

Sure. In high school, I was the most popular babysitter

in Skaneateles...

after that show-off St. Bernard who could dial 911!

Carol Ann! Get in here!

That is more baby than I'm used to sitting.

So, did she say she'd give me a kidney?

She ain't sick. She just likes playing with 'em.

Ho! Your Honor.

How did you get to work? Did you roll here?

It was kind of a rough day.

Babysitting in Manhattan is way different than upstate.

This entire city is one big, sharp object.

What were you babysitting? A wolverine?

Judge Stone, I know you said to stay in your chambers,

but I'm gonna head back to the subway track

and see if I can reach that nickel!

Please not again! Just go sit in the gallery.

Here. Here's a twenty. That's like a thousand nickels!

Paper money?!

I feel like a Kennedy!

That's a Wheeler.

Why do you have one?

You need to get as far away from those people as possible!

You say that about everyone.

True, but even your father would say

- that they are a magnet for disaster! - Achoo!

In most workplaces, when the ceiling falls down,

we'd leave, but here...

- first up! - Oh! We're sorry to interrupt,

but, um, we have to get married right now.

She's my good-luck charm. I'm going up into space tomorrow,

so I need all the luck I can get.

Aww. Don't you just wanna hug 'em?!

Carol Ann, you best

be fixing to sit on those hands!

You can use my rings. They've always brought me luck!

Carol Ann, put the rings back on your feet...

your feet back in those shoes...

and pay them no never mind.

Uh, She pronounces you man and wife. Good luck in space! Go!

Enjoy your honeymoon!

Oh, just...

Thirty-four...

thirty... five...

Hey, Gurgs. Do you have a minute?

I have exactly "one sock in change" amount of time.

Now, I know everyone says the colors don't matter,

but I've asked around and haven't found one decent Red.

We've got the Crotch-Watcher and the Bathroom Cryer.

Not the one who actually cries, but the one who runs in

with the bell and shouts news.

If it makes you feel any better, I remember

Abby saying that she's a Red, and she seems nice.

I forgot about the hissing.

Aw, dang! I lost count! I'll just start over.

One... two...

- She's a Red, isn't she? - Big-time.

Three... four...

I'm going to assume that you're ringing out a jacket

for totally normal reasons.

Carol Ann jumped into a fountain

because she thought it was "money soup."

There's got to be a better way to get Jovan.

Or maybe she’ll get you.

Jovan is here? This is a crazy coincidence.

Unless forces that we can't understand

made this happen.

I made it happen.

I did a favor for the Wheelers, and they helped you

jump the line with this... Fleetwood Mac B-side.

I just helped them find a sucker to buy their haunted brownstone.

Guess who's a homeowner!

You just made a terrible investment.

Maybe she is good.

I want you to relax.

Free your mind and let the spirit in.

- Focus on the silence and be at... - Achoo!

I'm just allergic to whatever kind of nuts you two are.

Are you sure you want him here for this?

Oh, yeah. Pull at all the threads you want, Dan.

You're about to see Jovan push through the thin veil

that separates our world from the next.

You know, it's not really a veil.

It's more like those things at the car wash that kind of go...

And then the spirit is more like

that inflatable guy outside the car wash that goes...

See, Dan? She's putting this in earthly terms

that we can understand.

You don't own a car!

Alright. If you're the real deal, tell me this.

Who's gonna win the Bulls-Knicks game tonight?

The spirit tells me fortune favors the bovine!

The Bulls.

They're down by 9 with 10 seconds left!

They couldn't win if they were playing

with three balls and a jetpack!

Jovan, you've seen the future. Does he ever shut up?

It's okay, Abby. I'm used to being dowb-ted.

That's right... I pronounce the "B" in "doubt."

The silent letters speak "throog-uh" me.

"Faskinating."

I sense that you're searching...

not for answers,

but for a message... from your father.

Hear that, Dan? She knows about the secret message.

He wants to tell you that you...

Heeey! I'm sorry to interrupt.

Just, uh, had a quick question for your spooky friend.

Olivia, Jovan's a very busy psychic.

Oh, sorry. Uh... "Puh-sy-chick"?

- Am I doing that right? - No.

It'll only take a minute.

I just purchased a house that you certified haunted,

and I'm just wondering, like, how haunted is it?

Are we talking the walls bleed

or twin girls standing in the hallway?

'Cause I got no patience for kids.

- Not the time. So where were we? - She was just getting ready

to make up something about your father.

Ah, yes. The message. It's becoming clearer!

Oh! Good. Y'all are just hanging out.

I got a quick question for Jovan.

Is it Jo-vaun or Jo-van? Oh! No! That's not my question!

Undo! Undo!

Gurgs, you're gonna have to wait.

Waiting is exactly the problem.

I'm cursed, and I'm willing to try anything to get rid of it.

Uh, mugwort, mantras, molly.

I don't think that last one's gonna work,

but it'll make standing in line a lot more fun!

I'm gonna close the doors.

- Make me a Green! - Cannot be done.

You're a Red. You're gonna die a Red.

Alright. Everybody, just shut up!

W... We have to listen to what Jovan has to say!

Thank you, Dan. Wait. Why?

She was right! The Bulls came back and won!

Oh, she is the real deal.

Great mystic, I apologize for ever doubting you.

Please, please tell us the mysteries of the universe...

specifically should I bet on the Lakers or the Warriors?

Enough!

Abby, your father is here,

and he does have a message.

He wants you to know

that he is so very proud of you...

and that nothing makes him happier

than seeing you in his chair.

And now his presence has left us.

I can't believe it.

I've been searching and searching,

and now I finally know.

You're completely full of [BLEEP]!

- What?! - That wasn't the message!

Wait! I'm getting another message.

It's kind of fuzzy, but I think he wants us

to say it at the same time.

- Beat it, phony! - Beat it, Froggy!

I'm also getting a message from your mother.

She's still alive!

Well, she just wants her casserole dish back!

You here to gloat?

Well, you do know how I like being right...

but this is one time I was hoping I was wrong.

- That makes two of us. - Hm.

You know, Jovan may have been a fraud,

but all this talk about Harry over the last few days

- made it feel like he was here. - I like that.

I really felt that, too.

Truth is, I... I know I don't need a psychic

to feel close to him.

I see him in everything.

Whenever I watch an old noir movie

or listen to Mel Tormé...

bang that gavel...

... he's right there.

But, still, I... I can't help wanting more time.

I thought if a psychic could give me

one more tick of the clock, just one more second...

... I wanted it.

Maybe that's just not gonna happen.

Well, you know, I... I don't know.

Seen some pretty crazy stuff just in this courthouse.

You know, once, a ventriloquist dummy

killed itself by jumping out that window.

So who knows... maybe somebody out there

knows your little code.

So... what the hell? Keep searching.

I mean, just go grab

every Ouija-wielding whack job in town

until you find it.

You don't think that's crazy?

Oh, no. It's certifiably insane.

But you know what?

Sometimes you've got to bet against the house

even when you know the game is rigged.

Where did... Where did you hear that?

I don't know. I think it's the first time

I've ever put that combination of words together.

- That was the message. - What?!

What, are you saying that I'm Harry's vessel?!

Fine. Fine. I'm a vessel.

I mean, you know him. Always has to have the last word.

Thank you for the extra time, Dan.

Hm.

Hm...

Just... Ugh. Alright. Fine, fine, fine, fine.

Raven, thank you so much for coming.

I really need you to lift this curse.

I thought we were getting back together.

Well, I'm sorry, but I'm saving up all my magic

to dunk a basketball.

Let's go, Darryl!

Gurgs, I may not be able to change the fact that I'm a Red,

but I can change what it means to bea Red.

- Hold this onion. - Why am I holding this onion?

Because I figured out how to get rid of your curse.

Close your eyes.

Boop!

The curse is in the onion now.

Hmm. Only one way to find out.

My wait time is zero minutes.

Hello? Uh, uh, will you finally install my cable?

Oh! You're at my house right now! Ha! I gotta go!

- Here's the mailbox key, Miss Moore. - Ah.

This'll pair nicely with the hammer I have to use

to flush the toilet.

FYI, one sheep is missin',

so there's a good chance Cody's still stuck in the wall.

Ha! Another 3-pointer for the Knicks,

just as the spirits foretold!

So, what, you're psychic now?

Oh, oh, you know, labels are so gauche.

I prefer "god amongst men"...

who's gonna make a killing on the Knicks,

and nothing can stop me!

Groovy. We bet on the Knicks, too.

- No! - You know that onion's cursed, right?

A free onion's a free onion.

If you bet on the Knicks, that means...

Unbelievable! A sheep is loose on the court!

It looks like the Knicks may have to forfeit!

Oh! There's Cody!

Why are you even here?

The missus and I are finally

taking our honeymoon on Hart Island.

That's where the city buries its unclaimed dead.

They're dropping me off with my sitter.

Check it out!

I found a way to safely be around the Wheelers.

See? I'm okay.

- Synced and corrected by actumaxime - - www.addic7ed.com -