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- Synced and corrected by actumaxime -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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I know phone booths are hard to come by,
3
00:00:07,825 --> 00:00:09,285
but that doesn't make it okay for you
4
00:00:09,326 --> 00:00:11,954
to take your pants off
in a Verizon store.
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$700 and time served.
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00:00:15,791 --> 00:00:17,418
Ugh! Comic-Con.
7
00:00:17,459 --> 00:00:21,088
Please say the next case
is a good old public urination.
8
00:00:21,130 --> 00:00:22,923
Does it count as public urination
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if the person doing it
thinks they're invisible?
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Oh. How embarrassing.
We're wearing the same thing.
11
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Except you went to law school
and I stole mine from Dry Bar!
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Heather, so glad you're here!
Take five, everybody.
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Get over here, you!
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00:00:37,563 --> 00:00:38,772
- Oh!
- Oh.
15
00:00:38,814 --> 00:00:41,025
Okay, okay. Put me down.
16
00:00:42,151 --> 00:00:44,904
Everybody, this is Heather.
She's my oldest friend.
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00:00:44,945 --> 00:00:48,324
We met on the first day
of kindergarten. She was 10.
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00:00:49,408 --> 00:00:51,535
I've wanted to visit Abby
since she moved here.
19
00:00:51,577 --> 00:00:55,456
I'm dying to try New York's
famous Nashville hot chicken.
20
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Always a pleasure meeting
people from Abby's hometown.
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You're all so annoyingly outgoing.
22
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And possibly inbred.
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Ooh! And check you out,
Miss Big Time Blazer.
24
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I bet you watch the news.
25
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I bet you've been on the news.
26
00:01:13,849 --> 00:01:16,727
I have. I fell in a gorilla pit.
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Oh, my God! You were Baby Heather!
28
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You still look the same.
29
00:01:21,774 --> 00:01:24,985
That's because a lot of these
are still baby teeth.
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We should get back to work.
I'll get you the keys
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so you can drop your stuff off
at my place.
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No need. I'm good.
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They let you in anywhere
if you say you smell gas.
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00:01:35,037 --> 00:01:37,289
That's my friend Heather.
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- Isn't she fun?
- Oh, my God. You hate her.
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What?! No! We've been friends forever!
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She gave me my very first piercing...
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which led to my second tetanus shot.
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No. You hate her.
40
00:01:55,099 --> 00:01:59,019
The lifeless laugh,
the fake, phony "fun."
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That wasn't fake or phony.
42
00:02:00,729 --> 00:02:02,481
- Ah. Ice cream.
- Fun!
43
00:02:02,523 --> 00:02:03,649
- Puppies.
- Fun!
44
00:02:03,691 --> 00:02:06,652
- Heather.
- Fun.
45
00:02:06,694 --> 00:02:08,821
You do hate her!
46
00:02:10,406 --> 00:02:11,907
Fun!
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See, when he says it, I believe it.
48
00:02:26,714 --> 00:02:30,092
- This is nonsense.
- I don't know, Dan.
49
00:02:30,134 --> 00:02:33,220
You think you'd be a hot catch
with these lady nerds.
50
00:02:33,262 --> 00:02:35,389
You look like a rich wizard.
51
00:02:36,265 --> 00:02:39,977
What kind of stunted man-child
goes in for this kind of stuff?
52
00:02:44,106 --> 00:02:48,277
One who's seen the world
for what it really is.
53
00:02:49,945 --> 00:02:51,822
Morpheus. From "The Matrix."
54
00:02:51,864 --> 00:02:54,575
Good God. You're one of them.
55
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I mean, that's surprising.
56
00:02:55,951 --> 00:02:58,871
You present as a person who's had sex.
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00:02:59,705 --> 00:03:01,749
If you don't think
these people are having sex,
58
00:03:01,790 --> 00:03:03,500
you don't know Comic-Con.
59
00:03:03,542 --> 00:03:06,962
For five days, the horniest
indoor kids in the galaxy
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00:03:07,004 --> 00:03:09,423
gathered to dress up and bed down.
61
00:03:10,466 --> 00:03:12,801
And since this is my first Con
since the divorce,
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00:03:12,843 --> 00:03:16,889
I'm ready to show all the ladies
we're living in a... stimulation.
63
00:03:19,391 --> 00:03:20,976
I wish we were in the Matrix.
64
00:03:21,018 --> 00:03:23,979
Learning kung fu is taking forever.
65
00:03:24,021 --> 00:03:26,857
Oh, God. Oh, my God. Hide me.
It's Julianne.
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00:03:26,899 --> 00:03:28,108
It's Julianne!
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00:03:28,150 --> 00:03:29,485
You know I don't know who that is.
68
00:03:29,526 --> 00:03:31,237
I just started working here.
69
00:03:31,278 --> 00:03:33,030
It's a woman Dan prosecuted
back in the day
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00:03:33,072 --> 00:03:34,698
and showed up last year for revenge.
71
00:03:34,740 --> 00:03:36,867
But I thwarted her efforts
to destroy my life
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when she saw how sad it was.
73
00:03:38,702 --> 00:03:42,039
Hey. You'll find love someday.
I mean, look at me.
74
00:03:42,081 --> 00:03:43,624
I bounced back after my dalliance
75
00:03:43,666 --> 00:03:44,750
with Christopher Meloni.
76
00:03:44,792 --> 00:03:46,126
You dated Christopher Meloni?
77
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Our connection was deeper than that.
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00:03:49,171 --> 00:03:50,756
He shadowed me for his greatest role.
79
00:03:50,798 --> 00:03:54,218
I assume you're familiar
with "Bailiff: The Musical"?
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00:03:54,260 --> 00:03:56,595
The nudity was my idea.
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00:03:56,637 --> 00:03:58,722
Shut up. Shut up. Where did
she go? Where's Julianne?
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00:03:58,764 --> 00:04:00,391
Dan Fielding.
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00:04:02,351 --> 00:04:04,687
Well. Hi, Julianne.
84
00:04:04,728 --> 00:04:08,232
What brings you here? Hopefully
through a metal detector.
85
00:04:08,274 --> 00:04:10,609
I'm just visiting
the new man in my life.
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00:04:10,651 --> 00:04:12,278
He's very attentive.
87
00:04:12,319 --> 00:04:14,321
You know, constant check-ins,
wants to know where I'm going,
88
00:04:14,363 --> 00:04:18,158
who I'm seeing... what's in my urine.
89
00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:19,660
So he's your parole officer?
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00:04:19,702 --> 00:04:22,246
Ah, it's too soon to put a label on it.
91
00:04:22,288 --> 00:04:24,790
Ah. And how good is he
at monitoring your access
92
00:04:24,832 --> 00:04:28,502
to things that might...
what's the word... explode me?
93
00:04:28,544 --> 00:04:31,714
Dan, you have nothing to worry about.
94
00:04:31,755 --> 00:04:33,090
I mean, where is the fun
95
00:04:33,132 --> 00:04:36,051
in ruining a life
that's already in shambles?
96
00:04:36,093 --> 00:04:37,469
You have some nerve.
97
00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:40,639
I'll have you know
this man's life is robust.
98
00:04:40,681 --> 00:04:43,058
He was a judge
in his beloved New Orleans,
99
00:04:43,100 --> 00:04:44,602
and he happens to be best friends
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00:04:44,643 --> 00:04:46,478
with someone who was the inspiration
101
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for one of Christopher Meloni's
greatest Broadway triumphs!
102
00:04:52,026 --> 00:04:54,194
Well, Dan!
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00:04:54,236 --> 00:04:56,864
I'm glad to hear you're doing so well.
104
00:04:56,906 --> 00:05:01,368
Now maybe we can have some fun
together after all.
105
00:05:04,788 --> 00:05:07,541
You know, she could be
laughing at something else.
106
00:05:07,583 --> 00:05:09,251
Oh. Where are my manners?
107
00:05:09,293 --> 00:05:12,588
Julianne. I'm gonna ruin Dan's life.
108
00:05:15,549 --> 00:05:17,301
And... selfie!
109
00:05:17,343 --> 00:05:19,511
You know, you don't have to
say "selfie" every time.
110
00:05:19,553 --> 00:05:22,389
So what do you two country mice
got planned for the big city?
111
00:05:22,431 --> 00:05:24,224
Who knows? When Heather's around,
112
00:05:24,266 --> 00:05:25,601
it's always an adventure.
113
00:05:25,643 --> 00:05:27,394
One minute, we're getting
cupcakes, the next,
114
00:05:27,436 --> 00:05:29,271
we're at an underground club
called "Oontz."
115
00:05:29,313 --> 00:05:31,315
It's named after the song.
You know the one?
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♪ Oontz, Oontz, Oontz, Oontz ♪
117
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Yeah. She knows the song.
She knows the song.
118
00:05:36,111 --> 00:05:37,863
You went to an underground club?
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00:05:37,905 --> 00:05:39,657
You ask them to turn down the music
120
00:05:39,698 --> 00:05:42,701
and crank up the lights at Outback.
121
00:05:42,743 --> 00:05:45,412
No one could hear
my Crocodile Dundee impression.
122
00:05:45,454 --> 00:05:47,289
Aww! Do it!
123
00:05:47,331 --> 00:05:49,083
That's not a knife!
124
00:05:49,124 --> 00:05:50,876
Isn't that bad?
125
00:05:51,961 --> 00:05:54,296
See? That's why Heather's the best.
126
00:05:54,338 --> 00:05:56,257
She tells it like it is
and really pushes me
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00:05:56,298 --> 00:05:57,758
out of my comfort zone.
128
00:05:57,800 --> 00:05:59,635
I love that about her.
129
00:06:00,678 --> 00:06:04,265
Then you are gonna love
what I have planned for tonight.
130
00:06:04,306 --> 00:06:07,518
I'm gonna take you
on a midnight helicopter tour
131
00:06:07,559 --> 00:06:09,103
of Manhattan.
132
00:06:09,144 --> 00:06:13,983
And I got a deal because the
helicopter doesn't have lights!
133
00:06:14,024 --> 00:06:15,693
I'll text the "pilot."
134
00:06:15,734 --> 00:06:17,152
Why are you using air quotes?
135
00:06:17,194 --> 00:06:19,154
Cause he's in the air.
136
00:06:22,241 --> 00:06:23,951
Why are you putting up with this person
137
00:06:23,993 --> 00:06:25,369
you have nothing in common with?
138
00:06:25,411 --> 00:06:27,955
You call 30 years of friendship
nothing in common?
139
00:06:27,997 --> 00:06:29,623
You know, if it wasn't for Heather,
140
00:06:29,665 --> 00:06:31,959
I never would have tried
Wild Cherry Pepsi.
141
00:06:32,001 --> 00:06:33,419
And thanks to those Pepsi points,
142
00:06:33,460 --> 00:06:35,629
I got to meet Ray Charles.
143
00:06:35,671 --> 00:06:37,464
Okay. Well, have fun.
144
00:06:37,506 --> 00:06:39,049
It's a good thing you two are so close,
145
00:06:39,091 --> 00:06:41,176
since you'll be sharing an urn
when they can't figure out
146
00:06:41,218 --> 00:06:43,053
how to separate your ashes.
147
00:06:47,157 --> 00:06:49,685
So, how was your
helicopter trip with Heather?
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00:06:49,727 --> 00:06:52,271
Had its moments!!
149
00:06:52,313 --> 00:06:54,106
Nothing makes you appreciate the ground
150
00:06:54,148 --> 00:06:56,609
like plummeting towards it!!
151
00:06:56,650 --> 00:06:59,069
You know you're not on
the helicopter anymore, right?
152
00:06:59,111 --> 00:07:02,823
In a lot of ways, I'll always be on it.
153
00:07:02,865 --> 00:07:05,743
But all in all, it was fun.
154
00:07:05,784 --> 00:07:07,953
There it is again.
That fake, phony "fun."
155
00:07:07,995 --> 00:07:09,622
The fakest, phoniest "fun" yet.
156
00:07:09,663 --> 00:07:12,416
Okay! You're right!
I admit it! I don't like her!
157
00:07:14,710 --> 00:07:17,087
This friendship should
have ended a long time ago.
158
00:07:17,129 --> 00:07:19,048
I guess now I have to go tell someone
159
00:07:19,089 --> 00:07:20,716
that I've known for three decades,
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"Well, oops.
Turns out you've always sucked."
161
00:07:23,928 --> 00:07:26,055
Wait. You're...
You're just gonna tell her?
162
00:07:26,096 --> 00:07:29,558
Like, with your mouth? That's
sick, you sicko! Just ghost her.
163
00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:31,268
And just never talk to her again?
164
00:07:31,310 --> 00:07:33,062
Wait. Are people doing this
all the time?
165
00:07:33,103 --> 00:07:34,563
I don't know. Ask 'em.
166
00:07:34,605 --> 00:07:37,316
If they don't respond,
then, yeah, they're doing it.
167
00:07:38,484 --> 00:07:40,611
- Hey, "Scabs"!
- Heh-heh.
168
00:07:40,653 --> 00:07:43,239
Look at you,
dusting off the old nicknames.
169
00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:46,075
She had eczema. She wore
a turtleneck all summer.
170
00:07:46,116 --> 00:07:50,496
Then I came up with the name
"Scabs," and everyone laughed.
171
00:07:50,537 --> 00:07:52,414
So, uh, you think you're gonna
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00:07:52,456 --> 00:07:55,417
leave first thing tomorrow to
get a jump on the traffic or...?
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00:07:55,459 --> 00:07:58,545
Actually... Excuse me.
174
00:07:58,587 --> 00:08:01,507
There's something I needed
to talk to you about.
175
00:08:01,548 --> 00:08:03,592
Last night, when you were clinging to me
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00:08:03,634 --> 00:08:07,263
in that helicopter,
I realized something.
177
00:08:07,304 --> 00:08:09,139
I miss this.
178
00:08:09,181 --> 00:08:12,893
My boyfriend, Ronald, doesn't get me.
179
00:08:12,935 --> 00:08:16,355
He says I dream too big
and snore too wet.
180
00:08:17,690 --> 00:08:22,903
So I'm breaking up with him
and moving in with you! Yay!
181
00:08:22,945 --> 00:08:25,072
Yee-hee-hee!
182
00:08:25,114 --> 00:08:27,491
I don't know what to say.
183
00:08:28,576 --> 00:08:32,496
Because it's hard to say
all the curse words at once?
184
00:08:32,538 --> 00:08:34,832
Ooh! Batman! I'm gonna go talk to him.
185
00:08:34,873 --> 00:08:37,668
I heard he's rich and a big ol' freak.
186
00:08:39,169 --> 00:08:40,629
So, it says here you were charged
187
00:08:40,671 --> 00:08:43,716
with sneaking into Comic-Con
without a ticket.
188
00:08:45,092 --> 00:08:48,679
- Not me. Him.
- Back here.
189
00:08:50,306 --> 00:08:52,349
You guys must have a close relationship.
190
00:08:52,391 --> 00:08:54,560
- What's your secret?
- The important thing
191
00:08:54,602 --> 00:08:56,979
is knowing what you're getting into.
192
00:08:57,021 --> 00:08:58,814
You said it, brother.
193
00:08:58,856 --> 00:09:01,150
15 Comic-Cons ago,
I agreed to this costume.
194
00:09:01,191 --> 00:09:05,446
Haven't looked back. Or forward.
It's best to just look down.
195
00:09:06,363 --> 00:09:08,365
I have to say...
it's nice to see two friends
196
00:09:08,407 --> 00:09:10,242
that are totally in sync.
197
00:09:10,284 --> 00:09:12,077
But, still, one of you is trespassing.
198
00:09:12,119 --> 00:09:16,498
So, next time, cover your ass.
199
00:09:18,250 --> 00:09:21,378
No! My sitter for Comic-Con just bailed!
200
00:09:23,047 --> 00:09:25,132
Gurgs...
201
00:09:25,174 --> 00:09:27,676
is there any way you'd babysit?
202
00:09:27,718 --> 00:09:30,387
You can't afford me.
203
00:09:31,889 --> 00:09:34,224
Why not just bring the girls
to Comic-Con? They'll love it.
204
00:09:34,266 --> 00:09:35,517
Of course they will. It's...
205
00:09:35,559 --> 00:09:37,186
It's all their fantasies come to life.
206
00:09:37,227 --> 00:09:41,148
But I'm trying to make
my fantasies come to life.
207
00:09:41,190 --> 00:09:44,276
Okay, everyone. Stay cool.
208
00:09:44,318 --> 00:09:47,446
Not you. That ship has sailed.
209
00:09:47,488 --> 00:09:50,407
Julianne is back. Catwoman. Second row.
210
00:09:52,576 --> 00:09:55,329
Hm. She looks different with
a bunch of cats on her.
211
00:09:56,163 --> 00:09:58,874
Not her. Her!
212
00:09:58,916 --> 00:10:03,837
Ooh! That is a quality straitjacket.
213
00:10:03,879 --> 00:10:06,590
Ah! The prisons never let me keep mine.
214
00:10:11,428 --> 00:10:12,930
Julianne is not gonna
make a move in here.
215
00:10:12,972 --> 00:10:14,723
This place is crawling
with police officers
216
00:10:14,765 --> 00:10:18,560
and a... bunch of other things
she should be scared of.
217
00:10:18,602 --> 00:10:20,729
So as long as you never
leave this room, you're safe.
218
00:10:20,771 --> 00:10:23,148
Oh, right. There's only
one problem with that.
219
00:10:23,190 --> 00:10:24,858
I hate this room.
220
00:10:26,610 --> 00:10:28,529
I have a better idea.
221
00:10:28,571 --> 00:10:31,365
This may be some of my finest work.
222
00:10:33,909 --> 00:10:36,620
Something about this feels familiar.
223
00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:43,377
I'm not gonna lie, Dan.
224
00:10:43,419 --> 00:10:45,546
This might be the best
you've ever looked.
225
00:10:45,588 --> 00:10:47,381
You know, from the right angle.
226
00:10:47,423 --> 00:10:49,800
I want to kick my own ass.
227
00:10:49,842 --> 00:10:51,594
Now to really sell it, remember...
228
00:10:51,635 --> 00:10:54,972
Klingons are a prideful,
ruthless, humorless species.
229
00:10:55,014 --> 00:10:58,517
So you might want to...
not change a thing.
230
00:11:05,024 --> 00:11:07,192
I don't want to scare you
out of moving here,
231
00:11:07,234 --> 00:11:10,404
but I just want you to know what
you're getting yourself into.
232
00:11:10,446 --> 00:11:12,698
Like, did you know
that crime is really up?!
233
00:11:12,740 --> 00:11:15,492
Good thing your new roomie
knows parkour.
234
00:11:15,534 --> 00:11:17,494
If we get attacked
in a construction site,
235
00:11:17,536 --> 00:11:20,539
things are gonna look real cool
real fast.
236
00:11:20,581 --> 00:11:23,584
Also, it's really expensive here.
237
00:11:23,626 --> 00:11:25,961
That's where my money-saving
tips come in.
238
00:11:26,003 --> 00:11:28,756
You are throwing away good money
on toothpaste.
239
00:11:28,797 --> 00:11:30,674
Anything foamy is fine!
240
00:11:31,550 --> 00:11:35,512
Oh, my God. I just realized.
You don't want me to move here.
241
00:11:35,554 --> 00:11:38,682
- Ohh...
- You need me to move here.
242
00:11:39,725 --> 00:11:42,561
Wow. What a roller-coaster
ride your brain must be.
243
00:11:42,603 --> 00:11:44,313
Oop. Sorry.
244
00:11:44,355 --> 00:11:47,358
I got to take this.
It's my ex-boyfriend's mom.
245
00:11:47,399 --> 00:11:48,859
Connie, you were wrong.
246
00:11:48,901 --> 00:11:51,904
I just talked to Scabs,
and she loves the idea!
247
00:11:55,115 --> 00:11:57,993
Hey! Whatcha doin'?
248
00:11:58,035 --> 00:11:59,578
How long have you been out there?
249
00:11:59,620 --> 00:12:02,039
Oh, definitely longer
than you wish I was.
250
00:12:02,081 --> 00:12:04,792
You're not gonna scare her off.
You're too nice.
251
00:12:04,833 --> 00:12:06,460
I saw you reconstruct a spider web.
252
00:12:06,502 --> 00:12:08,754
How would you like it
if you came home from work
253
00:12:08,796 --> 00:12:11,465
and your house was destroyed?
254
00:12:11,507 --> 00:12:13,008
Just leave this to me.
255
00:12:13,050 --> 00:12:15,427
Who's ready to get wild
in the Windy City?
256
00:12:15,469 --> 00:12:16,845
That's Chicago.
257
00:12:16,887 --> 00:12:20,266
Ugh. Climate change.
Ever heard of it? Egh.
258
00:12:20,307 --> 00:12:23,894
Ah, wish we could, but Scabs
and I are stuck at work.
259
00:12:23,936 --> 00:12:27,773
But if you really want to get
wild, go where the locals go.
260
00:12:27,815 --> 00:12:29,566
- Port Authority bus terminal.
- Ooh!
261
00:12:29,608 --> 00:12:31,110
It's like a rave mixed
with a prison riot,
262
00:12:31,151 --> 00:12:34,405
a fight club,
and surprisingly good pretzels.
263
00:12:34,446 --> 00:12:37,199
I'm in. See ya later, Super Mario.
264
00:12:37,241 --> 00:12:40,661
Another fun nickname
I gave her in high school.
265
00:12:40,703 --> 00:12:43,455
- "Super Mario" Overalls?
- No.
266
00:12:43,497 --> 00:12:44,582
- Red hat?
- No.
267
00:12:44,623 --> 00:12:46,584
- Mustache?
- Yep.
268
00:12:48,210 --> 00:12:50,588
What's your plan for human?
Meat or pets?
269
00:12:50,629 --> 00:12:54,758
Hold it right there!
270
00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:56,302
No!
271
00:12:57,136 --> 00:13:00,306
Um, hello. For the very first time.
272
00:13:01,348 --> 00:13:04,101
Sorry. Y... You go ahead.
I'm just waiting for this guy
273
00:13:04,143 --> 00:13:09,398
- that I'm gonna psychologically destroy.
- Ah.
274
00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:11,066
Just out of curiosity...
275
00:13:12,818 --> 00:13:14,653
What do you plan on doing
276
00:13:14,695 --> 00:13:17,281
to this unfortunate,
but I'm going to assume
277
00:13:17,323 --> 00:13:19,658
devastatingly handsome fellow?
278
00:13:19,700 --> 00:13:22,161
Oh, I like to stick to the classics.
279
00:13:22,202 --> 00:13:24,038
Arson. Identity theft.
280
00:13:24,079 --> 00:13:26,999
Framing him for a
multimillion-dollar art heist.
281
00:13:27,041 --> 00:13:28,834
Ah, when the real heist
282
00:13:28,876 --> 00:13:31,503
is what those guys get paid
for their art, right?
283
00:13:31,545 --> 00:13:32,963
I mean, congratulations.
284
00:13:33,005 --> 00:13:35,132
You took a lovely piece
of marble for a statue
285
00:13:35,174 --> 00:13:37,301
that could have been a great countertop.
286
00:13:37,343 --> 00:13:39,929
Yeah. Funny. I hate art, too.
287
00:13:39,970 --> 00:13:43,182
But I never say anything
because it makes me sound crazy.
288
00:13:44,558 --> 00:13:49,480
- I don't think you're crazy. Art is dumb.
- Julianne.
289
00:13:49,521 --> 00:13:52,024
Oh. They call me... Maltz.
290
00:13:53,525 --> 00:13:55,611
She had no idea who I was.
291
00:13:55,653 --> 00:13:57,738
Our eyes met. Our hands touched.
292
00:13:57,780 --> 00:14:00,783
Our blood stayed inside our bodies.
293
00:14:00,824 --> 00:14:02,576
You know, Julianne is quite lovely
294
00:14:02,618 --> 00:14:04,787
when she's not hell-bent on... revenge.
295
00:14:04,828 --> 00:14:07,373
Just be careful, Dan.
I don't want you to end up
296
00:14:07,414 --> 00:14:09,833
head over heels...
in the trunk of her Buick.
297
00:14:09,875 --> 00:14:12,253
No. That's just the thing.
298
00:14:12,294 --> 00:14:15,172
For one glorious moment,
the room faded away
299
00:14:15,214 --> 00:14:18,300
and we were just a Klingon
and a Catwoman,
300
00:14:18,342 --> 00:14:20,761
as God intended.
301
00:14:20,803 --> 00:14:23,013
Well, my Comic-Con is screwed.
302
00:14:23,055 --> 00:14:25,057
I couldn't find a sitter,
so now I have to bring my kids
303
00:14:25,099 --> 00:14:28,769
because I care about
their safety, like an idiot.
304
00:14:28,811 --> 00:14:30,479
Well, at least you still get to go.
305
00:14:30,521 --> 00:14:32,064
Yeah. Wearing this.
306
00:14:35,234 --> 00:14:36,318
I'm no longer Morpheus,
307
00:14:36,360 --> 00:14:38,571
keeper of all the secrets of the Matrix.
308
00:14:38,612 --> 00:14:41,991
I'm Rocky, the worst "PAW Patrol" dog...
309
00:14:43,409 --> 00:14:46,245
... whose power is garbage truck.
310
00:14:47,204 --> 00:14:49,790
Well, some of us have costumes
that women think are cool,
311
00:14:49,832 --> 00:14:53,252
so could we...
Woop-woop woop-woop woop woop.
312
00:14:53,294 --> 00:14:56,005
Haven't heard from Heather.
That's a good thing, right?
313
00:14:56,046 --> 00:14:58,424
Maybe she caught a bus
to Nashville to try
314
00:14:58,465 --> 00:15:00,676
their famous Philly cheesesteak?
315
00:15:01,635 --> 00:15:04,346
Or... Wyatt's gonna say this.
316
00:15:04,388 --> 00:15:06,599
The People vs. Heather Baskets.
317
00:15:10,102 --> 00:15:13,856
Oh, noice! Abby's my judge!
318
00:15:13,897 --> 00:15:16,692
Two bailiffs? That means
she's Double Dangerous,
319
00:15:16,734 --> 00:15:18,006
which was Christopher Meloni's big
320
00:15:18,007 --> 00:15:19,278
number in "Bailiff: The Musical."
321
00:15:19,279 --> 00:15:21,279
But I'm telling y'all stuff
y'all already know.
322
00:15:26,050 --> 00:15:28,052
The defendant is charged
with illegal gambling
323
00:15:28,177 --> 00:15:32,625
and inciting a riot that led
to a bus being lit on fire.
324
00:15:32,666 --> 00:15:36,587
A riot and a bus fire?
You were gone for an hour.
325
00:15:37,755 --> 00:15:41,425
Your Honor, this wide-eyed
innocent was lured to New York
326
00:15:41,467 --> 00:15:42,801
by a so-called friend
327
00:15:42,843 --> 00:15:46,305
who then abandoned her
in her time of need.
328
00:15:47,306 --> 00:15:48,933
Do you even know
what you're talking about?
329
00:15:48,974 --> 00:15:50,976
Eh, kind of winging it.
330
00:15:51,018 --> 00:15:52,811
Can we just stick to the facts, please?
331
00:15:52,853 --> 00:15:55,439
Miss Baskets started a sidewalk casino,
332
00:15:55,481 --> 00:15:58,734
but it was with the best of intentions.
333
00:15:58,776 --> 00:16:01,070
A bus headed to Atlantic City
broke down.
334
00:16:01,111 --> 00:16:03,489
They wanted to gamble. I took some bets.
335
00:16:03,530 --> 00:16:07,701
Then they wanted to get paid.
Who would have seen that coming?
336
00:16:08,702 --> 00:16:10,996
I don't know. Anyone?!
337
00:16:11,038 --> 00:16:13,791
Hold on. Are you mad at me, Scabs?
338
00:16:13,832 --> 00:16:15,084
It's Judge Scab...
339
00:16:15,125 --> 00:16:20,005
- Judge Stone... when you're in my court.
- Okay, Dad!
340
00:16:20,047 --> 00:16:23,008
Uh, P.S... none of this
is even my fault.
341
00:16:23,050 --> 00:16:26,595
So you did nothing to cause
an 80-year-old woman
342
00:16:26,637 --> 00:16:28,389
to throw a lit cigar at a bus?
343
00:16:28,430 --> 00:16:30,808
For the record, the cigar
was thrown into a garbage can,
344
00:16:30,849 --> 00:16:32,726
and then the garbage can
was thrown at the bus.
345
00:16:32,768 --> 00:16:35,854
- Yeah, Abby.
- Not on your side.
346
00:16:35,896 --> 00:16:37,856
This is just like that time
in third grade
347
00:16:37,898 --> 00:16:39,566
when you got all mad at me
'cause I told you
348
00:16:39,608 --> 00:16:42,903
the only way to win at dodgeball
was to catch it with your mouth.
349
00:16:42,945 --> 00:16:45,948
I got athlete's mouth because of you!
350
00:16:47,199 --> 00:16:49,076
And a lot has changed since then.
351
00:16:49,118 --> 00:16:51,412
For instance, I'm a judge
and you're a criminal.
352
00:16:51,453 --> 00:16:53,038
Alleged!
353
00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:56,041
Although that seems
beside the point now.
354
00:16:56,083 --> 00:16:58,419
I know that what I did
wasn't technically legal,
355
00:16:58,460 --> 00:17:01,463
but I was pushing boundaries...
like I do with you.
356
00:17:01,505 --> 00:17:04,049
It's why we're friends,
and you love that about me.
357
00:17:04,091 --> 00:17:07,261
I don’t love that about you.
I don't even like you!
358
00:17:09,805 --> 00:17:11,890
But I'm Baby Heather!
359
00:17:13,267 --> 00:17:17,062
Your Honor, in light of
this contentious discourse,
360
00:17:17,104 --> 00:17:21,358
I'm wondering if maybe you would
consider recusing yourself.
361
00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:22,776
Oh, ya think?!
362
00:17:25,613 --> 00:17:28,324
So, looks like the trial
is gonna be tomorrow.
363
00:17:28,365 --> 00:17:29,909
Don't worry. You're in front
of Judge Mulaney.
364
00:17:29,950 --> 00:17:31,285
He's a horrible misogynist,
365
00:17:31,327 --> 00:17:34,246
but he believes women
can't commit crimes.
366
00:17:34,288 --> 00:17:36,081
Do judges always come down here
367
00:17:36,123 --> 00:17:39,209
to personally deliver news
to alleged criminals?
368
00:17:39,251 --> 00:17:41,587
Or were you coming to say you're sorry?
369
00:17:41,629 --> 00:17:44,924
I am not, but I do wish
the truth came out differently.
370
00:17:44,965 --> 00:17:47,092
Not in an open court
and not at the volume
371
00:17:47,134 --> 00:17:49,511
I reserve for yelling, "Encore!"
at the Rockefeller Center
372
00:17:49,553 --> 00:17:51,096
Christmas tree lighting.
373
00:17:51,138 --> 00:17:54,224
I've been thinking. City
living might not be for me.
374
00:17:54,266 --> 00:17:56,602
You would not believe
what I just paid this guy
375
00:17:56,644 --> 00:17:59,313
for dru-u-u-um sticks.
376
00:18:01,482 --> 00:18:04,193
- I don't see any drumsticks.
- I did them all.
377
00:18:05,611 --> 00:18:08,739
Heather, you're gonna have
a lot of fun in your life,
378
00:18:08,781 --> 00:18:11,492
and I can't wait to not be involved.
379
00:18:11,533 --> 00:18:13,035
Well, B.T. Dubs...
380
00:18:13,077 --> 00:18:15,454
you really let me have it
in front of your work friends.
381
00:18:15,496 --> 00:18:18,999
Guess old Heather got you out
of your comfort zone after all.
382
00:18:19,041 --> 00:18:21,377
You're welcome, Scabs.
383
00:18:21,418 --> 00:18:23,629
Well, let's get you back in there.
384
00:18:23,671 --> 00:18:25,089
Alright.
385
00:18:26,382 --> 00:18:28,801
So, uh, how about
we put on a sorting hat
386
00:18:28,842 --> 00:18:32,179
and see what house we're
going back to... yours or mine.
387
00:18:34,139 --> 00:18:36,850
That would have worked
if I was dressed as Morpheus!
388
00:18:41,188 --> 00:18:44,692
Okay, Wyatt. I'm coming to Comic-Con.
389
00:18:44,733 --> 00:18:47,027
Trinity! Nice!
390
00:18:47,069 --> 00:18:49,071
I'll take your kids
to the "PAW Patrol" panel
391
00:18:49,113 --> 00:18:50,864
while Morpheus looks for "The One"...
392
00:18:50,906 --> 00:18:54,076
who will have sex with him.
393
00:18:54,118 --> 00:18:56,120
But you got to make it back
before Chris Meloni
394
00:18:56,161 --> 00:18:57,371
shows up to sign posters for
395
00:18:57,413 --> 00:18:59,164
"Bailiff: The Musical: The Movie."
396
00:18:59,206 --> 00:19:01,917
He and I have unfinished business.
397
00:19:03,294 --> 00:19:05,170
You know, when I came here tonight,
398
00:19:05,212 --> 00:19:08,716
the last thing I expected
was to find someone like you.
399
00:19:08,757 --> 00:19:10,718
Oh, I'd love to see you again.
400
00:19:10,759 --> 00:19:12,219
Oh, I'd like that, too.
401
00:19:12,261 --> 00:19:13,929
Maybe at a masquerade ball.
402
00:19:13,971 --> 00:19:16,348
Or a year-round Halloween store.
403
00:19:16,390 --> 00:19:20,311
Or... Ooh! Immediately after
your cataract surgery.
404
00:19:20,352 --> 00:19:23,689
Or maybe we don't wait.
You know, let's...
405
00:19:23,731 --> 00:19:26,525
let's just get out of
these ridiculous costumes
406
00:19:26,567 --> 00:19:27,860
and get into a bed.
407
00:19:27,902 --> 00:19:29,570
I want to see all of you.
408
00:19:29,612 --> 00:19:32,573
Oh, yes. Julianne. I want to...
I want to show you all of me.
409
00:19:32,615 --> 00:19:36,577
But there's something
y... you should know.
410
00:19:36,619 --> 00:19:38,245
I'm hideous.
411
00:19:39,705 --> 00:19:41,498
I don't care about looks.
412
00:19:41,540 --> 00:19:45,210
I mean, take the guy that I came
here to destroy, for example.
413
00:19:45,252 --> 00:19:47,630
You know, he's handsome. Great dresser.
414
00:19:47,671 --> 00:19:50,758
Your build and shoe size.
415
00:19:50,799 --> 00:19:52,468
Same hands.
416
00:19:53,886 --> 00:19:55,930
And when he's scared,
417
00:19:55,971 --> 00:19:58,098
he lets out this signature little yelp.
418
00:19:58,140 --> 00:19:59,475
It's you!
419
00:19:59,516 --> 00:20:01,685
Yeah. Sorry. Wait, wait. Please.
420
00:20:01,727 --> 00:20:03,062
I didn't mean to trick you!
421
00:20:03,103 --> 00:20:05,064
I just didn't want you to murder me!
422
00:20:05,105 --> 00:20:08,192
Then we started talking, and I
didn't want that to end either.
423
00:20:08,233 --> 00:20:10,236
So I just kept going,
and now you probably
424
00:20:10,277 --> 00:20:12,404
want to revenge me
even more than you did before.
425
00:20:12,446 --> 00:20:15,741
So whatever it is,
please just do it quick!
426
00:20:21,622 --> 00:20:23,249
Am I dead?
427
00:20:24,416 --> 00:20:28,337
I have feelings that
I... I can't explain.
428
00:20:28,379 --> 00:20:31,131
I... I don't want revenge anymore.
429
00:20:31,173 --> 00:20:33,133
I don't want to play cat-and-mouse
430
00:20:33,175 --> 00:20:35,219
with detectives at the end of their rope
431
00:20:35,261 --> 00:20:37,638
or cut my parole officer's hair
while he's asleep
432
00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:41,058
so that he steadily goes bald
and never knows why.
433
00:20:42,810 --> 00:20:46,272
I only want... Dan.
434
00:20:46,313 --> 00:20:48,524
I don't know what to say.
435
00:20:48,565 --> 00:20:52,278
T... There are no words in Klingon
for what I'm feeling.
436
00:20:52,319 --> 00:20:54,989
I assume. I did no research.
437
00:20:55,030 --> 00:20:57,741
But I need to take it slow.
How about dinner next week?
438
00:20:57,783 --> 00:20:59,285
Oh, next week is bad.
439
00:20:59,326 --> 00:21:02,705
- Um, how about four to six months?
- What?
440
00:21:02,746 --> 00:21:05,791
Ugh! This guy is obsessed with me.
441
00:21:05,833 --> 00:21:08,669
So, I burned an improv theater
to the ground.
442
00:21:08,711 --> 00:21:11,755
You know, any one of you
would have done the same thing!
443
00:21:13,173 --> 00:21:15,092
Wait for me, Dan!
444
00:21:15,134 --> 00:21:17,052
And I'm not asking.
445
00:21:19,263 --> 00:21:21,432
- What just happened?
- Forget it, Maltz.
446
00:21:21,473 --> 00:21:23,017
It's Comic-Con.
447
00:21:23,934 --> 00:21:29,231
C-o-n-n-n-n-n-n-n!
448
00:21:30,439 --> 00:21:35,439
- Synced and corrected by actumaxime -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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