Original subtitles

- Synced and corrected by actumaxime - - www.addic7ed.com -

Ten bucks says that lady clears it, no problem.

What? Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm in.

Because she's got courthouse sushi.

She's not playing with a full deck.

- What are you guys doing? - They just cleaned the door.

We're betting on who can tell the difference

between glass and air. You want in?

Hey! None of that. It's the new clerk's first night.

I want to make a good impression.

Wyatt is just what we're looking for.

He's a law student. He has a lot of life experience,

And I'm just gonna say it... The guy is cool.

You don't get to say what's cool.

I've heard you say "yikes," "yoinks," and "yowzers"

while dropping the same cookie.

Well, tonight I am a human chill pill.

Aah! That's him! Okay! Everybody make him feel welcome.

Dan, smile! But maybe don't show teeth!

It's too late! He can hear everything! Just follow your heart!

As someone who took chill pills in the '80s,

you need a new dealer.

Nice to see you again, Judge Stone.

Thanks for the incredibly detailed directions,

down to the step.

Now I see why shoe size came up in our interview.

Do I know you from somewhere?

Oh, yeah. Trader Joe's, 14th Street.

I used to work the sample station.

You're the lady who loops around like six times

for salsa shots then leaves.

Nope. Never mind. Never seen you.

I've probably run into all of you at some point.

I've had a million jobs.

Spin instructor, hotel bellhop.

For a while, I fixed granddaughter clocks.

There wasn't much of a market.

But I'm really excited to be here.

Who wouldn't be? You know, on the one hand,

I mean, the money's not very good,

but then on the other hand,

this will do nothing for your career.

Don't listen to him. You're gonna love it here.

It's just a breezy, fun, totally normal place to work.

We've been hacked! I repeat! We've been hacked!

Hand off your devices!

Don't worry! I have my whistle!

No, a whistle is the cue for the...

Very chill.

We're locked out of the server and our e-mails.

Well, every time I refresh, I just get that "bonk" sound.

Bonk.

Bonk. Bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk!

You know, it's sad how helpless you all are

without your beep-boops and porn cubes.

Oh! What ever shall we do without our precious computers?

We might actually have to have a conversation.

I would love to have a conversation.

Ugh. Abby, not now!

We've got to figure out this computer thing!

Isn't there an I.T. guy who can fix this?

The I.T. department isn't open at night.

We do have an "It" department, but it's just a clown

who smells like a sewer and says our fear makes him stronger.

What's that sound?

It can't be. What... It...

It is!

- Is that a fax machine? - Oh, yeah.

They put them in 10 years ago to modernize the place.

It's a list of demands from the hacker.

He's gonna leak all our personal information

unless the defendant in the sixth case tonight

is found guilty.

What's the sixth case?

Oh! That's me.

Criminal Mischief. Code 17-3.

Destruction of a hotel room by a non-musician.

I don't care what it is.

Abby Stone does not negotiate with terrorists.

Or the cable company. Nobody wants Starz.

Oh. Look at her go.

The curves of the Buick LeSabre,

the aroma...

... of ink that you didn't know could kill you.

"No police. I'm not messing around."

And then there's a picture of someone dressed

as a high-school mascot.

The "Westview Goblin."

Actually, it kind of looks like...

No! It's not possible!

The only known copy is on my... phone.

So the hacker's in our personal devices.

That means he has all our secrets.

And our dance mixes!

This is from an online pet store.

There's enough toys here for 100 cats.

Or one open-minded human who wants to work

on their dexterity while lying in the sun!

This could get so much worse.

Goblin pictures are really just the tip of the iceberg.

- This guy could ruin me. - Not me.

The only thing on my phone is an app that tells me

when something is hummus.

Heh-heh-heh. I'm not gonna get fooled again.

You all know me. You know how I earn my living.

I'll catch that hacker for you. But it ain't gonna be easy.

Not like going down to holding, chasing drunks and tommycats.

I don't want no volunteers. I don't want no mates.

I just want your trust.

And for that, I'll get you the head, the butt,

the whole damn thing.

Great. So we're gonna do Gurgs' thing.

We'll slow things down in court to give her some more time.

Yeah, that'll be easy.

Things never move as fast as you want around here.

Yeah, but tonight it'll be on purpose!

Hey, Wyatt!

Did I interrupt something?

Just checking out my new workspace.

Making sure the drawer opens and shuts,

- which is what you want in a drawer. - Interesting.

I understand you used to work at a hotel.

Bet it makes you pretty mad to hear about a case

where someone trashed a innocent hotel room.

Not really. I've seen those rooms under a black light.

They should all be destroyed.

Sounds like a motive.

Looks like that drawer isn't the only thing that's open-and-shut.

Okay. Dan Fielding, saving the day once again.

I got us a tech expert.

That's your expert? Some random kid you found?

Yeah. He's a teen. They love technology.

Probably taking his laptop to prom.

Alright, Shaggy, tell us what to do.

Have you tried unplugging it then plugging it back in?

That's it?! How did you people ever invent Facebook?

- Get outta here! - Gurgs.

Act like I said something funny.

Where are we on the investigation?

I think it's someone on the inside.

I don't know who to trust, Judge!

So now we're just laughing to hide our fear?

No. It's real now.

I thought of something funny to get myself started,

and now I can't stop!

Well, take all the time you need

because no one can slow things down like Abby Stone.

See how I just referred to myself in the third person?

That took a little more time than saying "me."

And notice how now I'm explaining it?

Also more time.

You know, there is another way we could stall.

We could use... The Box.

We're not using... The Box.

What's... The Box?

Don't ask about The Box.

God willing, you'll never need to know!

Alright. Let's call the first case.

The People versus Kyle Eh.

- Eh? - Eh.

Ugh!

Where's a meaty five-syllable last name when you need it?!

Alright, Counselor, please tell me

in excruciating detail what Mr. Eh is charged with.

Unfortunately, the defendant has decided

to defend himself.

- Why is that unfortunate? - He's an auctioneer.

Up to the counter. I said, "Can I get seven scones?"

"No." "Can I get six?

Bid a little five. Do I hear four? Three... two..."

Can't get two, can't get one. Do I hear there are no scones?

I do! Out comes the knife!

Plunged into the chest of the man behind the counter!

And I'm guilty. Going once, going twice.

Last and final call! I'm guilty!

Do I hear we're screwed? Screwed going once.

Screwed going twice. We're screwed!

Court is moving a little faster than I planned.

Is there any intel you can give me on the case?

Like maybe the guy is guilty and I'm worried over nothing?

He's actually a new legal classification

known as "Super Innocent."

There's proof that he wasn't in the hotel room

when it was trashed, we have time-stamped footage

of him at a bodega buying grape soda for his son.

Grape soda? Can't you at least find him guilty

of slowly poisoning his kid?

You know that's not an option.

And I have as much to hide as anyone else.

I have a Guns N' Roses tattoo in a very Guns N' Roses place.

Ah, the high-pitched siren song

when it receives its mating call.

Stop romanticizing the machine that's destroying us!

- Whoa. What was that? - Nothing.

It was one of your secrets, wasn't it?

Why are you being weird? Is it about me?!

That's a crazy thing to think.

Unless it's because you have a bunch of secrets about me.

You know what? Let's just be clear for a second here

that I have zero thoughts about either of you.

- But... But... - Okay. This has gotten out of hand.

We're two grown adults. I'm just gonna eat it.

Don't you dare! Fax ink? It's like liquid asbestos!

Daughter of a magician.

Co-worker of lunatics. You know what?

I'm just gonna have to solve this myself.

I'll open up a line of communication with the hacker

and then simply outwit him...

like the mental game of chess that I delivered

to that poor sucker from the cable company.

You will never believethe deal that I got on Starz.

Dan's right. We just have to focus.

We'll just keep stalling so Gurgs

can follow up on her lead, and I wouldn't be surprised

if she has the culprit in her crosshairs as we speak.

Sandy, I'm only gonna ask you one more time!

What is your nighttime skin routine?!

We started this. We have to finish it.

No one will know I was involved.

Oh. Hey, Gurgs. Found the hacker yet?

As a matter of fact, I have a suspect.

Uh, maybe we could talk about it over lunch.

So... What's good here?

I know you're the hacker, Wyatt.

So you're just gonna claim it's a coincidence

all this happened on your first night...

and you happen to know your way around a fax machine?

Only because I once worked at a Fax Bistro,

a short-lived rival to Internet cafés.

I bet you think you're a pretty cool customer.

Well, you're not the only cool one around here!

Ooh.

- You don't look comfortable. - Well, I am.

I know you're hiding something.

We can do this the easy way or the orange way!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Can you grab those?

I have to take this. We're good, right?

- Do you need anything? - No. I'm fine.

But if you see Sandy, send him my way

and tell him "it happened again."

The altercation started when the subway performer

Emcee Scruggs accused Mr. Beats-Fresh

of stealing his iconic loco loco-motive dance move

with the pale imitation choo-choo crazy train.

In order for me to settle this, I'm gonna need to see

the full routine... Probably a couple times.

♪ I got the flava to make 'em jump ♪

♪ I got the flava... ♪

Oh, no. Blood?

You know, it's times like this

I think we should reflect on how lucky we are

that we weren't kicked in the head.

Let's take a short recess.

Dan! I figured it out.

The only way our secrets don't go public

is if you convince number six to plead guilty.

You know what? I don't say this to make you feel better,

but whatever you're trying to hide

can't be any more embarrassing than what we already know.

Well, did you know that I once tried to get Gurgs fired?

Well, in my defense, she made me take

a "Which 'Sex and the City' Character Are You?" quiz.

And I got "Steve."

You tried to get Gurgs fired? She's an angel!

I once saw her blow on a cocoon,

and I swear to God a butterfly was born just then!

Lucky for you, I've almost ended this.

I buttered up the hacker with this line...

"You know, we're not so different, you and I."

Huh? And his response?

He sent me this picture of his middle finger.

Now it's a dialogue.

Well, at least we got three more cases to try and drag out.

The People versus Rosemary Smith,

Evie Brown, and Ellyn Daniel.

What? Aren't these supposed to be three separate cases?

The decision was made to combine them.

Why?

Okay. Now I see why.

Your Honor, the three defendants

got into a prenatal brawl at Osteria Pucillo when...

Your Honor,

the fight broke over Osteria's pregnancy salad,

which has been known to induce labor!

It's the dressing.

We took turns chugging it in the squad car, and n... ohh!

I know that you want to slow things down, but

unless you hurry up, we're gonna have three more defendants.

Fine. Go to the hospital. Time served.

Wait. If this is case three, four, and five, then...

That means we're out of time.

Case six. The People versus Ryan Umansky.

Okay. Guess we have no choice.

Gurgs, get The Box.

Yo! Where did that box of bees come from?!

I counted 10, 20, 25, 30!

Do I hear 40? 40 bees!

I should've asked more questions about The Box!

Oh, Gurgs. Glad you're here. Had a thought.

Next time you call it "The Box," maybe add "of Bees"...

because some of us are pretty allergic.

Those were circus bees who gave up their stingers

for a life in the theater.

What kind of courthouse do you think I run?

Well, that explains why they were making fun shapes and...

But that's all it explains.

We don't have time for this game of fax and mouse.

Either you come clean,

or I sign you up for Kohl's Cash Rewards.

It's so many e-mails,

and the unsubscribe is a three-step process.

You'll never do it! So what are you hiding, Wyatt?!

What are you hidin'?!

This isn't worth it! It's Jupiter, okay?!

I've been sneaking off to paint Jupiter.

My daughter has a solar system due tomorrow,

and if she doesn't get a good grade,

she loses her screen time.

And I need her to have her screen time.

Well, I didn't know you had kids.

With all this stuff going on,

it didn't leave a lot of time for small talk.

And then you thought I hacked the server, which is hilarious.

With what time?

I'm a divorced law student with two little girls

and a goldfish I'm pretty sure is romantically in love with me.

I'm spinning so many plates,

the mom text chain just voted me "Messiest Bitch"!

And that's saying something because Julie's on there!

You've got to be kidding me.

Okay. Uh...

I've got an investigation... to start.

What, Julie?

No, I don'tknow where your kids are.

So the bright side of the random bee attack

is that we could chat, Mr. Umansky.

Was just wondering, is there anyone

who you think might want to see you thrown in jail?

No. Everyone loves me. My wife says I'm too loved.

Okay, well, what were you doing in the hotel room

before the destruction occurred?

I was making love to my mistress.

I believe it's what the French call...

... Le Noonér.

So when your wife says you're too loved...

She means by many women who aren't her. That's right.

So glad my reputation is gonna be ruined

just so that this guy can sleaze it up

with a woman I assume is named Trish.

I wishl could land a Trish.

Seems to me that an affair might lead to some grudges.

My wife, I guess.

My mistress's husband.

My other mistress.

But not my other mistress's husband

because, weirdly, he's rooting for us.

- Court's clear, Your Honor. - That was fast.

I knew we should've used The Big Box.

Patricia Guberman? you're looking good.

You know, I'm on trial for the next couple hours,

but afterwards...

- You know, I go by "Trish" now. - Oh.

Well, I guess all the secrets are gonna come out now.

It's been really nice not knowing you.

You'll never guess what Wyatt found.

I was sorting through garbage, looking for things

to make into Venus, and I stumbled on this.

- That's my secret! - That's your secret?

Run!

How do you have that? I threw it out a window!

I mean, made it disappear.

A magician's daughter never reveals her secrets.

Because this isn't the one you received.

It's the original the hacker faxed you. No timestamp.

If you found that in the garbage here, that means...

That the hacker's been in the courthouse the whole time.

And thanks to Dan's uncanny ability to irritate strangers,

we know what the guy's middle finger looks like.

So we can catch him, but it's gonna take all of us

working as a team together.

Yoinks!

But I'm serious about all of us working together.

So we know this middle finger is somewhere in this courtroom.

- We just have to find it. - I know my way around a pair of hands.

I used to work for Kate Cavanaugh.

She's the Meryl Streep of shadow puppets.

You go, new guy, and I swear...

if you find that finger, I'll learn your name.

Okay, before we begin, I'd like to invite the gallery

to enjoy complimentary hand massages

courtesy of our clerk and bailiff.

Your Honor, can we scoot this along?

I got a date with the beekeeper after this,

and she's a real smokeshow.

That's how she gets the bees back in the box.

Everything okay in the gallery there, Bailiff?

Someone doesn't want his hands touched.

Well, there's nothing we can do if people

don't want their hands touched.

Except have them arrested!

That was a middle finger, but not the one we were looking for.

Okay. This is an extensive list of property damage.

Would it be possible to hear it out loud?

I get nauseous reading

while thinking about driving.

I got you, Your Honor.

Damage includes...

one smashed door, brown...

one torn pillow, down...

one destroyed painting, clown.

And now a list of items that were missing from the mini-bar.

Grape soda. And that's the whole list.

So the only thing missing from the mini-bar was grape soda.

- His alibi. - Mr. Umansky, do you drink grape soda?

My client has already stated that he's not a fan.

It's his son who likes it.

Was your son with you at the hotel on the night in question?

Clearly, you've never had an affair.

Kids totally kill the vibe.

Is it possible that he snuck into the hotel room

and trashed it to frame you?

Perhaps as revenge for sleeping with half of Manhattan?

If only the boy himself could tell us.

Because if he was acting out of anger

over his father's infidelities,

the court would be very sympathetic!

And he's just crawling away!

Beau?!

- The "just unplug it" kid is... - The hacker!

Ha ha! I said it first! I solved it!

Kids really do kill the vibe, don't they?

I can't believe how crazy today was,

but I have an idea to make sure

that nothing like that ever happens again.

Change the Wi-Fi password from nothing?

We tell all of our secrets to each other... right now.

I'm good.

Oh, God. The door's locked!

Abracadabra, open the door!

Her name is... I wasn't trying to use magic to open...

Why am I explaining myself to you?!

No one leaves this room until it's all out on the table.

I'll go first.

This fax was a print-out from my Notes app,

where I complain about all of you to let off steam.

"Olivia is very quick

to cross her arms and blame other people."

What?! Who told you that?! Carol?!

Whatever.

Now I don't have to feel so bad about trying to get you fired.

You said you tried to get Gurgs fired.

Oh, I tried to get you all fired.

There. That's my secret. I shared it.

Feels amazing! Now let me out!

Well, I'll go next.

The secret ingredient in my world-famous stew

is two bottles of gin.

You're so drunk after the first bite,

you don't realize how bad it is!

See? This is great. Now Wyatt knows everything,

and we don't have to worry about making a good impression.

That was you trying to make a good impression?

Gurgs threatened to beat me with a sack of oranges.

Oh, you know what? Since you're all sharing,

I wasn't completely honest about not having any secrets.

"Mr. Monk and the Bayou Blues"?

It's my "Monk" fan fiction.

You know what? Now that it's out,

I would humbly have the pleasure of sharing it all with you.

- No. - Ah...

One thing to note... in my version,

Monk doesn't have OCD.

I never saw the point of that. Uh...

"Monk climbed out of the Atchafalaya Basin,

his body covered in mud...

or as he liked to call it, 'Louisiana Gold.'"

Also, one more note... in my version, Monk's a Cajun.

Abby, please let us out!

This is why I always carry a flask of stew.

- Synced and corrected by actumaxime - - www.addic7ed.com -