Original subtitles

Babe, are you okay? Your hand is, like, sweating.

I'm excited. I never thought

I'd get to go to a "Paris Review" party.

Oh, it's not that big a deal.

It is.

They discovered Kerouac and Philip Roth.

And now they're discovering Colin McNichol.

- Yeah! - No, they're publishing

my short story. You discovered me.

I've submitted to them for years,

and they rejected me every single time.

Okay, but now that you've sold a book for a million dollars,

- now they want you, huh? - Uh, 1.2 million, okay?

- Okay. - But let's not talk money.

These people are intellectuals.

She means snobs.

I mean the top literary minds in the country,

and they're all here to see you.

Great, now my hands are sweaty.

Ha ha!

Kelsey, hey. I'd like to introduce you to my editor.

This is...

- Kelsey! - Pip-squeak!

Mwah. Hi.

Everybody knows everybody at this party.

We interned together, but then this one

got her own imprint and left us all in the dust.

Okay, all right, well, you're the one

with the hottest property in town right now.

Mm. We're both right.

That photographer wants us.

Let's get lunch on the books soon.

- I'd love to. - Back into the fray.

- Oh, you don't... come here. - Okay, okay.

- Hey, guys. - Yeah.

- There you are. - Oh. Hey, sorry.

- All this, it's a lot. - Mm.

Well, you should get used to it.

This is your life now.

You should think about getting a tux.

- For what? - The PEN Awards,

the National Book Award, the Met Gala.

Yeah, you might need two tuxes.

Okay, okay, okay, enough. Stop.

Josh, what was the last tattoo you did?

Ugh. You wanna show him?

Uh, I'm gonna keep my underwear on

at the Paris Review party, thank you.

You got a tattoo?

Yeah. Why not?

Because they're really hard to get rid of.

Well, maybe I don't want to get rid of this one.

Congratulations, Colin!

Buy something stupid yet with your $2 million advance?

It wasn't $2 million, bud.

You poor bastard.

You can handle 1.2 mil, though, right?

All right, bro, why don't you take about 30 steps back?

Random House isn't buying any more fiction this year

because they spent all their money on you.

Have a good night, bud.

You dumbass!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh! Oh, Chris!

- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com -

I haven't been in a fight since junior high.

It was kind of fun.

Well, that was hardly a fight. I weigh more than that wimp.

- What? - Oh, don't! Don't!

Things are good, right?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Things are good.

You know, I don't think I've said this enough

since we've been back together, but...

I love you.

Like, I really love you.

I love you too.

- Uh, good morning. - Morning.

You missed Soul Cycle again.

Yeah, but I got a workout.

You know what, sex doesn't burn that many cal...

- 300 calories? - Bam.

- Do you do anything in bed? - What?

She's enthusiastic.

Hey, what's that in your hair?

What?

Oh, this little rubber band thingy?

Uh, yeah, where did you get it?

Oh, um, off the bathroom floor.

When?

I-I don't know, like, a couple days ago, a week.

- A week? - What's wrong?

- That's my UvoRing. - Ew!

- Your what? - My birth control.

Wa...

Ri... that's supposed to be up inside of you?

- Yes. - How did it get out?

- I don't know. - So... wait.

Maybe it's your enthusiastic sex.

So we haven't had any protection

in, like, a week?

Ooh.

Just give me a hint.

If I told you what was in my secret lemon curd recipe,

it would no longer be mine nor a secret.

Will I see you tonight?

I certainly hope so.

I'm having dinner with Jackie Dunn after work,

so if I'm not home, just ask Pavel at the desk to let you in.

Mm, if Sergei is working, tell him you're my brother.

He's obsessed with me.

You know, my last client's at 5:00.

Why don't I just hold onto your keys?

Just for the day.

- Uh... - I'll give 'em right back.

I would. I really would,

but the co-op has strict rules.

And I'm running for the board, so how would it look?

Okay.

I'll see you tonight.

Hm.

All right, he got the test. "Leaving drug store now."

Here, just have some tea.

I can't have a baby, Maggie.

Well, the odds are definitely against it.

Right.

But you never know,

Josh may have some really strong swimmers.

Stop!

And it'd be a really cute baby.

I can't handle the clock resetting to zero.

I mean, for the first three months,

you can't even work.

Remember Caitlin's terrible twos?

What about her effing fours?

She used to fill her pull-up and throw it at me. Remember that?

- It was so cute. - No, I'm serious, Maggie.

Oh, come on, everything's gonna be fine, really.

Hey.

Got it.

A digital pregnancy test?

Yeah, the lady said it was the best one, so.

This says I have to download an app.

What, do you, like, pee on your phone?

No, you pee on the stick which uses Bluetooth

to send the results to an app on your phone.

- Seriously? - Yeah, but "The app provides"

"distractions to reduce stress while waiting," so.

What kind of distractions?

Wait, can people really not wait three minutes without having...

Aw, look, now the puppy's licking the kitty.

Oh, my...

- Oh. Oh, my God. - Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, could we just view the fricking results already?

- Go. - Ready?

Okay.

- Okay. - Yay.

All right. Yay.

- Yay, yay! See? - Yes, mm. Yeah.

Thank God!

Could you imagine a toddler running around here?

- Kind of. Diaper duty. - Stop!

Well, I mean... Well, you've done this already.

Really? Now?

I just need you to assure me that you're being safe.

Oh, did you not see the gift-wrapped box of condoms

that Maggie gave me?

You're so welcome, honey. You want some more?

Maggie. Unless you do? You can tell me.

Mom, I'm covered. Do you want to see my drawer?

- Yes. - No, it's okay. I trust you.

You know, I'm a little old for "the talk."

We had it in seventh grade.

I know, but you're never too old for a reminder.

Noted. Bye, mom.

Bye. I love you.

Oy.

Mom.

Look, while you're on a tear, I've got a loose niece

in the Rockaways that could use a talking to.

I know, it's just that pregnancy test

really scared me. I've never been more relieved in my life.

Well, I don't think Josh was so relieved.

I mean, didn't you notice?

He was probably just freaked out.

He looked kind of bummed, actually.

Well, he's not ready for a kid.

And he knows that I'm not up for it again.

I mean, we talked about it.

Well, as long as you talked about it.

We did.

That's all for new material from our imprint.

Great, thanks.

Just one more thing. I would like to reiterate

my request for Millennial to have a larger presence

at book fairs and literary festivals.

I'll think about it.

We talked to editors from five different

independent publishing houses last night.

We're the only ones who didn't go to Frankfurt or London.

Readers are responding to Millennial's books.

We just got great press in a national magazine...

If you're referring to "EW," I think that Random House got

a bigger bounce from that than we did.

I don't see why you need to fly to Europe

for a week of partying in overpriced hotels.

It doesn't need to be international...

I said I'd think about it.

Moving on. Diana?

Well, in another coup for "P is for Pigeon,"

the Audubon Society has decided to honor Mary Quigley.

We purchased a table, and I invite you all to attend,

and I encourage you to bring a plus one.

I needn't remind you of the paltry attendance

to last month's "ReachOut and Read" benefit

when I sat at an empty table with Trisha from HR

and her Tinder date, Dwayne.

Got it. Everyone sign up, bring dates.

I hope to see you all there. That's it for now.

Charles, a word?

Yeah?

I was so sorry to hear that things didn't work out

between you and Radha.

Oh, well...

You know I've always had a wonderful time

being your date at these events...

Date?

But I've just started seeing someone.

A... a doctor.

That's terrific.

Oh, it's just in the brand new phase

where everything is... so fun.

Anyway, I just didn't want you to be caught off-guard.

I'm sure we can squeeze in a chair for you next to us.

I look forward to meeting him.

Oh, and Diana, can you make sure there are two chairs?

I'll be bringing a date as well.

Excellent.

It is amazing how much these bird lovers

look like actual birds. Look at the beak on that one.

And how about old Owl Eyes over there?

You think his head actually spins all the way around?

Judgment is a powerful way of keeping people

at arm's length.

Don't analyze me.

You won't even tell me what's in your lemon curd.

One cranberry, two sprigs of mint.

2:00, black dress, antiperspirant streaks.

- Yeah, it's just coming. - Deviled eggs

at a bird fund raiser? Okay.

Wouldn't it be awesome if humans could lay eggs?

We just could trade off sitting on 'em, you know,

share the work.

Yeah, but then we'd have to throw up into their mouths.

- Well, I mean. - Guys?

- Hey. - The Paris Review party made

- "Page Six." - What?

- So did Josh. - Oh.

Oh, dope, they mention Inkburg.

Yeah, why should Colin get all the press?

Hey, where is Colin?

I don't know. He's supposed to meet me here.

Are those chicken wings?

They can't be. Who catered this,

a litter of cats?

Well, there you are, Charles.

So, no date after all?

No, my date spotted

a yellow-throated warbler on the way in.

Oh, dear.

Judging.

Honey?

Nicole is an avid bird watcher.

She actually takes her field guide

to Central Park every Saturday.

Well, isn't that wonderful?

This is Richard Caldwell... Doctor Richard Caldwell.

- Ph.D. - Still counts.

Charles Brooks.

You realize that's not a real bird, right?

I do, but it's designer, so.

- She is just adorable. - Isn't she?

Nicole's been coming to our office

since she was three years old,

and we are great pals, aren't we?

- Remember when I... - Liza!

Hey!

She's... she's adorable.

Daddy, look, it's so beautiful.

Yeah, it is.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

Aw, it's fun for me.

Hey. You here?

I can't come, Kels.

Pippa just gave me her editorial notes,

and she says there are inconsistencies with my timeline

and the relationship between Nick and his sister is murky.

What does that even mean, murky?

Maybe I should return the advance.

No, Colin...

They don't get the book!

Colin, just... everything is going to be okay, all right?

Just hang tight until I get there.

Something came up. I'll text you.

Okay.

Now can you do a butterfly?

Depends.

What's the butterfly's name?

John.

John the butterfly, coming right up.

He's terrific with kids.

Richard, I finally found a decent assistant.

Stop putting ideas in her head.

You're right.

They're young. They have all the time in the world.

How can they say they love it and ask for this many changes?

It's a great novel, Colin, all right,

but everything can use improving.

Yeah, but what if it's not great?

What if it's all hype and this is really a giant piece of shit?

Every talented writer that I know has that same fear.

Yeah, but look at this.

Hey, no editor expects a writer

to make every single change.

This, forget that, okay, and this is just a minor rewording.

Really?

Yes, this is so do-able.

We'll go it together, one-by-one.

- Thank you. - No problem.

You're so rare...

and generous...

and extraordinary.

And you are on a deadline. Let's get to work.

I'm so grateful to Empirical,

and especially Diana Trout, for taking a chance on my novel.

And as a special salute,

I would like to present Diana with this gift.

"P is for Pigeon" is about

the world's last passenger pigeon,

but since they're extinct now, I'd love you to enjoy this...

This equally magnificent creature.

He may give you a hint

about the subject for my next novel.

I'd also like to thank my husband.

He encouraged me to try something

outside my comfort zone.

Let go of what you think should happen

and open yourself up to the vast, rich world

of possibility. Thank you.

No, there's nothing wrong with it.

It's just a parrot in my apartment.

And I would like it to not be here.

She's listening to you.

Shh! Thank you.

The Parrot Rescue said they would take... take her.

Let's get her quick before we have to change

the newspaper again.

You've haven't even given this bird a chance.

I think you should reconsider.

Oh, why? Because she's a beautiful color green?

I'm not a child, Richard, okay, I know how much work a pet is.

We could take care of her together.

That's still a commitment.

And what's wrong with a small, bird-sized commitment?

Look, Richard, please, it doesn't make sense.

No, what doesn't make sense is a beautiful, talented woman

hiding behind a big brick wall and never letting anyone in.

It's not brick.

I don't like brick.

I am co-habitating with a man.

- What? - Richard is moving in.

Yeah, so I need you to make a copy of my house key

and contact my homeowners insurance.

Oh, set up a lunch with Ilan.

Ilan?

My closet designer.

So much to discuss. Come on.

- Oh. - Come!

Kelsey, I'm so glad we're finally doing this.

Me too. If I had to lose the biggest book of the year,

at least I lost it to one of the best.

Aw, sweet.

- Team Colin. - Go Team! Whoo!

But even though we're on the same team,

we have different roles.

Redmond's the agent. You're the girlfriend.

- Right. - And I'm the editor,

so I hope that when Colin submits his next draft

to his editor, his girlfriend's fingerprints aren't all over it.

Pippa, I was just trying to help...

Help, I know. I've seen this before.

You must have too, I'm sure, as an editor.

You know how hard my job is

without other voices chiming in with opinions.

You're right.

You're the editor, I'm the girlfriend, and...

I will let you do your job.

Thank you.

God, I'm so sorry if that seemed harsh.

We are just under the tightest deadline,

and I had to say something before the Hamptons.

This would've been so much more awkward in sarongs.

- What? - Hamptons Book Fair.

I booked Colin on a few panels. They practically begged me.

Millennial's going, right? It's gonna be huge this year.

Of course.

Hamptons Book Fair, I'm going.

- Excuse me? - Millennial needs a presence

somewhere. I'm not asking to go to Europe.

The Hamptons is close,

they're expanding the fair this year,

and I'm doing it whether the company pays for it or not.

Millenial finally has momentum, and I'm not going to waste it.

All right, it's not about the partying,

it's about visibility, and Millennial needs to be visible.

Like Colin?

That book is going to be huge.

And I hate that we don't have it.

It's completely my fault.

You're passionate, you got excellent taste,

And you're right, Millennial needs to be visible.

Show 'em we're still in the game.

Kelsey?

Uh, sorry, I'm sorry.

I was just expecting more of a fight.

So you don't want to take yes as an answer?

No. I mean, wait, yes, yes, I...

Thank you, Charles. Thank you.

So how long you gonna be gone?

Just for a few days, and it's only a short train ride away.

I mean, it's not a huge book fair

like Frankfurt or London, but it'll be good to get

- the imprint out there, you know? - Yeah.

Makes it more real. Kelsey's so excited.

She should be, and so should you.

I'm so proud of you, babe.

Thank you.

It is so sweet of you to come walk me home.

- What's the occasion? - No occasion.

It's no big deal.

I don't know. Maybe it is kind of a big deal.

Look, I got to be honest with you, Liza.

I know... I know you were relieved about not being pregnant,

and I... I thought I was too,

but these last few days, I can't stop thinking about it.

We would be...

incredible parents, you know?

I thought we talked about this.

Yeah, I know, but there's...

There's lots of women in their 40s having kids,

you know?

And can you imagine our kid?

I mean, just stop.

Just think about it for a minute,

'cause you can really think about her...

Her, him, or...

Josh.

You're still so young. I know.

I know. I...

Look, I never thought I'd be talking about kids yet.

You know?

Oh, I never thought I'd meet somebody like you either.

Excuse me.

What's going on?

- Manhattanhenge. - What's Manhattanhenge?

It's when the sun lines up with the street grid

and sets exactly in between the buildings.

Doesn't happen very often. It's amazing.

Come on.

Sorry.

That's a sign.

You see that, right?

It's just like us.

We met at the perfect moment,

and we can have everything.

It's all lined up.

Really, it's beautiful.