Original subtitles

♪ When I was small I used to dance ♪

♪ In my mother's bedroom ♪

♪ Then I grew up and did it again ♪

♪ And basically I'm still doing the same show ♪

♪ I did in my mother's bedroom ♪

♪ And I'll do it till the bitter end ♪

♪ 'Cause it's my Tracey Ullman's Show ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show, let's do the show, let's go ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman, Tracey Ullman ♪

♪ Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show ♪

Let's go.

Woman: Are you looking for a tasty treat

to satisfy your little Brexiteers and remainers

at the same time?

Then why not give them Theresa's Brexit Fudge?

Theresa's Brexit Fudge contains whatever you want,

as long as you promise not to resign.

It's sweet, creamy, and uncommonly vague.

So this agreement clearly states

that we will not be staying in the Customs Union,

of which we will no longer be a member,

while remaining firmly within it from the outside.

Woman: Theresa lovingly hammers out her fudge

in a small, airless room in Westminster.

The House of Lords then adds up

to 15 extra ingredients,

and then the House of Commons

carefully removes them all again.

The finished product is flaky and nutty, but most of all...

It's a complete confection.

Woman: Neither hard nor soft,

it's deeply unsatisfactory.

Theresa's Brexit Fudge.

Children: ♪ Theresa's fudge ♪

♪ Is just enough ♪

♪ To keep her in a job ♪

Will you buy it? Will anyone?

Now, I know coming here isn't easy for anyone,

but this support group is here to help you.

And recent events like Brexit

have stirred up a lot of feelings,

and you've all come to realize something.

Something shocking.

You've realized that not everyone

thinks exactly the same as you do.

Susan, maybe you'd like to share your story.

Thanks, Kay. Um, well, the thing is,

I used to look at my Facebook

and think it's fine,

we all basically agree with each other.

And then, last June, the Brexit result.

I gradually began to realize

that there are people in the world

( choking up ) who don't think the same as me.

Joseph, you had something to say.

Yeah. I went into work the day after the referendum,

and some people were happy.

And I realized, if people don't agree with me about that,

maybe they don't agree with me about other things.

Some things we all agree on, like the Star Wars prequels--

everyone thinks they're shit.

Oh, I quite like them.

I don't think they're as bad as everyone says.

This can't be happening. What's the matter with you?

Why can't everyone be right...

- like me?! - ( knocking on door )

Is this the place

for the Different Opinion Support Group?

Yes, that's right.

Please, come in.

I'm Frank.

Kay: Welcome Frank, and remember,

you can say anything you want here.

It's a very safe environment.

( sighs ) Great. Thanks.

It's got so I'm afraid to open my mouth in public.

But, you know, It's not all doom and gloom,

is it? I mean, happy anniversary!

- ( screaming ) - ( Susan crying )

( BBC News jingle playing )

You're watching the news

with me, Simone Fredericks.

The time is coming up to some...

godforsaken hour of the morning,

and the Catalan president is saying that,

despite threats from Madrid,

Catalonia is going to leave Spain.

Do you reckon he'll go through with it?

It's a bit like when blokes have affairs, isn't it?

They keep saying they'll leave their wives,

but they never do.

( BBC jingle playing )

Birgit, is it just me,

or am I starting to lose the confidence

of the German people?

Why would you say such a thing?

I've just been sent this photo on Twitter.

"You are starting to lose the confidence

of the German people."

That is very direct, even for a German.

Oh, Birgit. Is the honeymoon really over

after a mere 13 years?

( sighs ) When I think of all I have sacrificed for this job,

the sleep, the weekends, time with my husband.

You have a husband?

Who did you think this was?

I just thought it came with the frame.

So what do you think the problem is?

( sighs ) It's partly the hair,

but the tie's not helping.

Oh, no, not with him.

With my popularity.

Oh, well, maybe you just

need to reconnect with the German people.

And how do I do that?

Well, I don't know.

You seem to have managed to keep your marriage

ticking along all these years.

How do you keep that spark alive?

Well, I... ( whispering indistinctly )

Well, you can't do that to all the German people.

Not with my schedule, no.

You could get a bold new haircut.

But I got a bold new haircut

only last week.

- You did? - Ja.

Why do you think

that this side is all sexy, sexy,

and this side just screams fiscal responsibility.

Oh, yeah, I see it now.

What? It's too subtle?

A little.

You know what would

really spice things up?

An affair.

What? Cheat on Germany?

Well, it might make them realize what they've got.

And there are a lot of countries that would love

a nice leader like you.

- What about Italy? - Are they looking

for a new prime minister?

Endlessly.

No, I think that the combination

of me plus Italy

is just too much sexy.

How about New Zealand?

Covers their PM's maternity leave.

How long is the flight?

It's about 28 hours.

Enough time to watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

- Almost. - I've seen it.

Ugh, I couldn't go through that again.

Well, how about Britain?

They already have a leader.

That lady with the nice shoes

that she can't walk in.

Yeah, but she's not popular.

Well, then the opposition will swoop in.

You'd think.

All I'm saying is,

just think about it.

Hmm? You know, Birgit,

you have helped me make a decision.

Really? So we're going to Britain?

Nein. Looking into her eyes has made me realize

that there are worse countries to lead than Germany.

Is there something wrong with my phone screen?

No, she's really that pale.

Have you been groped at home or at work?

Preferably at work.

Have you been asked

to massage someone

in order to get a job

or maybe to buy some sex toys

for another man's wife?

Then we're here to help.

The deadline for reporting sexual harassment

is fast approaching,

as newspapers are already losing interest.

You, too, could be due

a half-arsed apology.

But don't take my word for it.

When I was felt up by an employer in 2009,

I was scared that speaking out

would jeopardize my entire career.

But now that I've come forward,

they've explained that is was OK back then,

but they're sort of sorry anyway.

So that's great.

Don't delay.

There are hundreds of affected industries,

but only a few weeks

of media interest remaining.

So act now before idiots

who've never experienced it

accuse you of "jumping on the bandwagon."

Excuse me, could you help?

I'm trying to cross,

but I've left my specs at home,

and I can't see a thing without them.

I guarantee my support in your safe transition

from this pavement to the one opposite.

You're good to go.

Oh, thank you very much.

- ( tires screeching ) - ( nearby woman screaming )

Oh, my God! What happened?

I was going to support that elderly human

in her bid to safely cross the road,

then realized that I could not,

in all good conscience, do so.

So I decided instead to guide her

into oncoming traffic.

What? Why?!

I think the fact that I took

a difficult and unpopular decision

proves that I am a man of principle.

I trust I have your vote.

Male Narrator: Coming soon to one of those

online, premium, streaming, download-y digital things:

( screaming )

American Box Set.

The series that everyone is talking about,

not yet having yet got 'round to watching.

Starring someone who's too big for TV,

but who did it because it was

only three days' work,

and was filming somewhere nice.

This is my only scene,

so they've given me a special "with" credit

at the end of all the other credits.

But that's better than having top billing.

It is. That's right.

Male Narrator: A kid whose parents let us shave his head.

( screaming )

Male Narrator: And her you haven't seen

since that big thing in the '90s.

What the hell are you doing here?

I'm lending this whole thing an air of legitimacy,

or it's lending me some. I'm not sure which.

Male Narrator: Plus the actor with a massive secret.

I'm, uh, British, actually.

Really? You were American

in that other thing.

I know. I went to Eaton. We all did.

I also have an inclusion rider.

Male Narrator: American Box Set.

Watch it now or talk about

how you're going to get around

to watching it at some point.

No Emmy is worth this.

No Emmy is worth this.

Right, I'm off to lunch. I will see you in a bit.

Man: What? No, you can't go.

Because of the dentist, Amita's off sick.

- So? - Man: Haven't you heard?

It's now illegal to be just men in a room

without a woman present.

I don't think it is.

Yeah, I think I read about that in the papers.

Hashtag Me Too.

Right, yeah, n-no. Uh,

Me Too is about the harassment of women.

And if there's just men in a room,

there are no women to be harassed.

They wouldn't make you put a woman in a room full of men.

Well, they have.

It started on panel shows,

and now it's everywhere.

Political correctness gone mad.

Kirsty: No, that's another issue.

That's about representation and equality.

Half of society are women,

so the workplace should try and reflect that.

So you're saying that we need more women?

- Well-- - Shit.

Tony, go and grab us some women

before we become sexist.

No, "grabbing women" is the problem.

Political correctness gone mad.

Look, it's very simple.

Just afford women the same freedom, rights,

and opportunities as men,

and don't mentally or physically abuse them.

What was the last bit again?

You don't have to write it down.

Just treat women with respect.

- Same as men. - Yes!

So, treat women like men.

- Like one of the lads. - Hey, Kirsty.

That Kirsty's a bit of all right, isn't she?

( chuckles )

No, don't define women by their gender.

Political correctness gone mad?

- Shut up. - It's OK. I found one.

Cancel the police.

Nobody called the police.

So much goes unreported.

You can go now, Kirsty.

- We are all covered. - You want me hoover?

- Oh, yeah, sure. - No, wait.

We define it by gender.

- That's women's work. - No, it isn't.

He's right. What do you do

when you're not cleaning?

At weekends, I go club...

- do dance. - Great. Do that.

( club dance music playing on phone )

Phew. Headed that one off at the pass.

This is not solving the problem.

She's right. Equal pay.

Come on, everyone. Chuck money at her.

( music continues )

( Kirsty scoffs )

Well done, lads.

This could so easily

have made us look bad.

( music continues )

I give up. I give up.

I need a present for the new bally grand sprog.

Hello. What about a hat?

Uh, it's not really crowny enough.

Or some booties?

Oh, they're good. Yes.

I'll take two dozen for the dogs.

Charles won't turn the ( mouthing ) fucking

( normally ) heating on.

What about something practical

like a teething ring?

What the hell's a teething ring?

Well, you know, when babies are born,

they don't have teeth.

- They don't have teeth? - No.

Or you could get a play gym,

which is a good way of getting exercise while they can't walk.

They can't walk and they don't have teeth.

What the bloody hell is the point of them?

Or a little portable bath?

The Royal Marines take care of maritime issues.

Oh, what's this?

Oh, that's not really suitable for newborns.

It's a boat that has little aeroplanes.

It's a fucking aircraft carrier.

Oh, his little face will just light up.

- The baby? - No, my husband, you twonk.

Wrap it up and have it sent to Highgrove.

Uh, you have to pay.

Oh, you are funny.

Bonsoir mon petit poison.

Emmanuel, husband of mine.

You look worried.

Delicious, of course, but mainly worried.

( speaks French ) I had a meeting

with the Lorry Drivers' Union.

And how did this meeting go?

They called me President Melt

and threw my iPhone Huit

( whistles ) into the Sein.

So it was better than last week.

( sighs )

But there's something else, is there not?

There's something that is pressing on your tete.

( sighs ) In December, it is the big quatre zero.

I will turn 40, and that is, like, so old.

Well, you try being 64, huh?

When I go up the stairs,

my knees make a sound like grasshoppers.

( imitating a grasshopper )

But you look so wonderful and sexy.

Even Trump said you are in great shape...

and a whole bunch of other stuff

which I will not tell you about now.

Of course I look magnifique. I'm a French grandmother.

What did he expect?

Perhaps you are right, my darling.

I should not dread aging. I should embrace it.

What did you do for your 40th?

I was your teacher, and you were my pupil,

and we had that date around the back

of the shed de bicylette, remember?

Ah, school days. It feels like so long ago.

Emmanuel, it matters not that there is a difference

of 25 years in our age.

Who cares? It's no more for Donald and Melania Trump.

Oui, and no one laughs at them.

( both laughing )

Oh, Buff, but perhaps the real reason I am worried

about turning 40 is that you will

perhaps leave me for a younger man.

Oh, you silly little Napoleon.

Everything in France improves with age.

Wine, cheese, public conveniences.

You will be more irresistible than ever.

Bravo! You are right of course.

And now I am going to go for a 10K run,

and, when I return, I will make love to you

on a Louis Quatorze chaise lounge, my ageless angel.

( gasps )

Oh, Emmanuel, careful!

My hip! My hip! Aah!

- ( chuckles ) This one. - Ca va?

( BBC jingle playing )

You're watching 24 Hour News with me, Simone Fredericks.

I hope there is someone out there, isn't there?

Anyway, French swimmer, Benoit Lecomte has begun

an attempt to swim all the way across the Pacific Ocean.

I hope he makes it.

Mind you, with the amount of plastic in there,

if he gets tired swimming, he could probably just walk.

( BBC jingle playing )

Excuse me, mate.

You couldn't give us a hand for a second,

hold this ladder for me?

- Certainly. - Right, thanks.

And may I assure you that not only do you have

my unwavering personal commitment in this matter,

but also my steadfast physical support.

( groaning )

( indistinct radio transmission )

So you were holding the ladder.

Yes, I was holding the ladder,

but then realized that I could not,

in all good conscience, continue to do so,

so I elected instead to stop holding it

with immediate effect.

- Why would you do that? - I don't know.

But I think the fact that I made a difficult and unpopular decision

proves I am a man of principle.

Now, would you like me to deliver these blood products?

I won't just put them in a skip.

Fancy a cuppa?

Already got it covered, haven't I?

Wife: I've set the smart kettle to come on

- just before the ad break. - ( phone chimes )

- Who's that texting ya? - The boiler.

The temperature outside has dropped

by two degrees, so your smart heating system

is compensating accordingly.

( scoffs ) You sure it's not overcompensating?

It is damn hot in here.

No, it says it is the perfect temperature.

( vacuum cleaner whirs )

Could you turn the robovac off?

It's really starting to annoy me.

Must be malfunctioning.

It's not even programmed to be on now.

( vacuum cleaner powers off )

Do you really need every machine in the house

to be connected to the network?

- Get with the times, granddad. - ( music switches on )

- Music off. - ( music plays intermittently )

( appliances whirring )

Blinds open! Music off!

Lights off!

Wife: Stop popping!

Lights, stop it! Oh, how do I make it stop?

For heaven's sake, I need some ice!

( music continues )

Oh! Bloody smart freezer!

Oh!

I think the boiler's just sexted me.

What the hell is that?

I think it's a picture of its heating element.

Oh, God!

( music from the sitting room plays over PC)

What are you two playing at?

- Nothing, boss. - Nothing.

Boss: You're not hacking into random people's

smart appliances again, are you?

We are international superpower and have important work to do.

Now, there is harmless ex-spy

to poison in Chippenham Nando's.

- Yes, boss. - On it, boss.

( bells ringing )

To be clear, Arlene,

you insist that Northern Ireland must be treated

exactly like the rest of the UK

except on the issue of abortion

where it must be completely different.

No, I don't see any contradictions there either.

Great to work with you.

Speak soon.

God, I hope not.

That came for you. More shoes?

Yes. Buying shoes is my way of relieving stress--

that and closing libraries.

If only we could get a trade deal

from somewhere, Philip.

something that could really rally the country

and shut Boris up for five minutes.

That's an awfully big box.

Yes, they use so much packaging.

Pull here, and--

- Witch hunt! - ( Theresa gasps )

Mr. President, what a pleasant... shock.

I thought, hey,

why don't I do a practice run to the United England?

I wanted to avoid the crowds of people in the streets

who all love me.

So you came all the way in this box?

Was it a good journey?

It was tremendous.

I watched "Black Panther" on my phone.

You know, I truly believe

that if I had been in that fight in that waterfall

for the kingdom of Wakanda,

I would have won it very easily--

a very popular king, the best king.

Whoa, what's that?

Is that the Brexit button?

Can I push it?

No, don't. That calls the SAS,

so best not to.

Uh, you know what? Since he's here--

Oh, that's a good idea, Philip.

Um, Donald, we would love for you to sign this.

It's just a little trade deal to show the world

that Brexit isn't a slow, creeping catastrophe.

Sorry! It's a huge trade deal.

- Ooh. - Biggest one of all time.

- Oh, OK. - Yes.

- Well, I'll sign it. - Yes.

- But, first, - ( Theresa gasps )

let's talk about me.

Who am I gonna golf with when I come here?

I mean, not you. You're not famous,

and you're not hot.

We did speak to a number of golfing celebrities

about that, but they say they're washing their hair.

All of them?

No, some of them said they were dead.

Listen, I'm sure that a lot of people

would love to play golf with you,

and as soon as you sign this,

- we can call more of them-- - Yeah, wait--

I wanna threaten nuclear war with North Korea real quick.

- ( iMessage sound effect ) - I'm bored.

What are we doing now?

Well, um, you're signing

this trade deal. ( chuckles )

No, I mean tonight.

What do you guys do on the weekend?

I like to stay in, and then I go to church.

Sometimes you mix things up a bit.

Yes, I go to church, and then I stay in.

I don't believe in God.

I'm very religious.

You're not going to church this weekend.

We're "not" gonna go meet some porn stars,

and we're "not" gonna hang out with them

and pay them 150K because we didn't bang them.

That sounds very interesting.

I'm gonna go to Singapore now.

- Oh, oh! - I might have a summit,

or I might have it with myself.

I could summit myself a lot,

and it can be very loving and meaningful.

Well, it's been lovely having you here.

Trump: It was nice to meet you, Mr. Merkel.

Hey, do you guys have a bathroom?

There isn't one in this box.

Uh, yes. It's, um--

Trump: Uh-oh. Too late.

You guys have a towel?

( BBC News jingle playing )

I'm Simone Fredericks,

and you're watching BBC News at 4:32 AM.

The question you've got to ask yourself is, why?

A former British Airways pilot has been jailed

for turning up to work after drinking three double vodkas.

Wait, really? Jailed?

That's just pilots, though, right?

( BBC News jingle playing )

( children speaking indistinctly )

Right, folks, it's bath time.

- Children: Aww. - Child: I don't want to go--

Children, such bellicosity is bootless.

Nanny has spoken, and must be obeyed.

Jacob Rees-Mogg: Bath time it is.

Hands off our fish, foul Spanish fishing vessel!

These are British waters now.

( imitating Spanish accent ) Oh, no!

Without your English fish,

we will have nothing to put in our paella.

Taking back control of the seas, are we, Mr. Rees-Mogg?

That I am, Nanny. ( chuckles )

Shouldn't it be more like,

( imitating Spanish accent ) "Hola. Don't forget,

the common fisheries policy

still applies during the transition period,

so these are our waters until 2020.

( normal) Oh, no! The British fishing industry

will never survive that long.

We've been sold down the river by the Tories.

Glug, glug, glug.

That will be all, Nanny.

Don't forget to wash your minnow.

It's no good, Nicola.

I've scrubbed and I've scrubbed,

but they still smell of London.

A wee rub of Glenmorangie should do the trick.

( sniffs ) Oh, that's better.

Oh, thanks for coming to get me from Westminster, Nicola.

I hate it down south.

Aye, it was nay bother.

I had to pop down anyway

to spray paint Judas on the Regent Street branch

of the Edinburg Woollen Mill.

- ( sipping loudly ) - Hang on.

A cup and a straw?

Nicola, what are you doing?

Scotland leads the way in plastic reduction.

We're the first to ban cotton buds and straws!

Aye, I know. All that waste plastic

created a huge floating plastic island out there in the sea.

- It's a disgrace. - ( sipping loudly ) No,

it's an opportunity.

We shouldn't be reducing our plastic use.

We should be increasing it.

- Why? - Well, think about it.

The Chinese are using plastics to make runways.

The Columbians are using it to make houses.

So what if we use plastics to make more Scotland?

More Scotland?

- Aye. - As big as England.

Bigger! Make us the major landmass in the UK.

See how they like being the little stuck-on bit full of angry people.

Oh, if we could make them get the sleeper train to us

instead of the other way around.

I'm callin' it

"Operation Scotland's Rubbish."

Well, that's just a working title.

It starts by putting all the discarded plastic

into the Firth of Forth.

It moves out into the North Sea, more plastic, all the plastics--

We'll wrap chips in plastic,

make plastic bagpipes--

plastic bags to carry plastic bags!

I'm doing my bit.

Look, I've got plastic bottles,

I've got plastic cups,

I've got plastic sandwich wrappers.

You didn't really think

I was going to eat coronation bloody chicken?

Quick! We're on the East Coast Mainline.

We could get it direct into the sea from here.

I know, wee Mary.

We're only at Berwick-upon-Tweed.

Wait until we cross the border.

The last thing we want to do is accidently make more England.

Wait a second. Are we getting a wee bit carried away?

I mean, when you think about it, what's more important?

The entire future of this fragile Planet Earth...

- or Scotland? - ( intercom beeps )

Announcer: Ladies and Gentleman,

we are now entering Scotland.

Dunbar, next stop. Next stop, Dunbar.

( train horn blows )

Are you all right in there?

Trump: It's better than the new U .S. Embassy.

- Trump: Ooh! Aah! - Careful with that.

It's got the President of the United States in it.

Trump: Trade war.

Trump: ( groans ) Oh, my hair!

( music playing )

WOMAN: You have lost him. Look. But it's...

It's time for plan B.

-I have brought you strudel, Frau Merkel. -Ja.

What do you want?

♪ (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Do you wanna look sexy or be taken seriously?

Can I both?

(LAUGHING) What a lovely thought.

POLLSTER CHIEF: It's been a tricky couple of years for us pollsters.

So, we've completely overhauled our canvassing system

to make sure we got this election dead right.

-INTERVIEWER: And did you? -No.

♪ (CLASSICAL MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

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