All language subtitles for Tracey Ullmans Show s03e05.eg

♪ When I was small
I used to dance ♪

♪ In my mother's bedroom ♪

♪ Then I grew up
and did it again ♪

♪ And basically
I'm still doing the same show ♪

♪ I did in my mother's bedroom ♪

♪ And I'll do it
till the bitter end ♪

♪ 'Cause it's my
Tracey Ullman's Show ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show,
let's do the show, let's go ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman,
Tracey Ullman ♪

♪ Tracey, Tracey,
Tracey, Tracey ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show ♪

Let's go.

Woman:
Are you looking for a tasty treat

to satisfy your little
Brexiteers and remainers

at the same time?

Then why not give them
Theresa's Brexit Fudge?

Theresa's Brexit Fudge
contains whatever you want,

as long as you promise
not to resign.

It's sweet, creamy,
and uncommonly vague.

So this agreement clearly states

that we will not be staying
in the Customs Union,

of which we will
no longer be a member,

while remaining
firmly within it from the outside.

Woman:
Theresa lovingly hammers out her fudge

in a small, airless room
in Westminster.

The House of Lords
then adds up

to 15 extra ingredients,

and then the House of Commons

carefully removes
them all again.

The finished product is flaky
and nutty, but most of all...

It's a complete confection.

Woman:
Neither hard nor soft,

it's deeply unsatisfactory.

Theresa's Brexit Fudge.

Children:
♪ Theresa's fudge ♪

♪ Is just enough ♪

♪ To keep her in a job ♪

Will you buy it? Will anyone?

Now, I know coming here
isn't easy for anyone,

but this support group
is here to help you.

And recent events like Brexit

have stirred up
a lot of feelings,

and you've all come
to realize something.

Something shocking.

You've realized
that not everyone

thinks exactly
the same as you do.

Susan, maybe you'd like
to share your story.

Thanks, Kay.
Um, well, the thing is,

I used to look at my Facebook

and think it's fine,

we all basically agree
with each other.

And then, last June,
the Brexit result.

I gradually began to realize

that there are people
in the world

( choking up )
who don't think the same as me.

Joseph, you had
something to say.

Yeah. I went into work
the day after the referendum,

and some people were happy.

And I realized,
if people don't agree with me about that,

maybe they don't agree
with me about other things.

Some things we all agree on,
like the Star Wars prequels--

everyone thinks they're shit.

Oh, I quite like them.

I don't think they're
as bad as everyone says.

This can't be happening.
What's the matter with you?

Why can't everyone be right...

- like me?!
- ( knocking on door )

Is this the place

for the Different Opinion
Support Group?

Yes, that's right.

Please, come in.

I'm Frank.

Kay:
Welcome Frank, and remember,

you can say
anything you want here.

It's a very safe environment.

( sighs ) Great. Thanks.

It's got so I'm afraid
to open my mouth in public.

But, you know,
It's not all doom and gloom,

is it? I mean,
happy anniversary!

- ( screaming )
- ( Susan crying )

( BBC News jingle playing )

You're watching the news

with me, Simone Fredericks.

The time is coming up
to some...

godforsaken hour
of the morning,

and the Catalan president
is saying that,

despite threats from Madrid,

Catalonia is going
to leave Spain.

Do you reckon
he'll go through with it?

It's a bit like when blokes
have affairs, isn't it?

They keep saying
they'll leave their wives,

but they never do.

( BBC jingle playing )

Birgit, is it just me,

or am I starting
to lose the confidence

of the German people?

Why would you
say such a thing?

I've just been sent
this photo on Twitter.

"You are starting to lose
the confidence

of the German people."

That is very direct,
even for a German.

Oh, Birgit.
Is the honeymoon really over

after a mere 13 years?

( sighs ) When I think of all
I have sacrificed for this job,

the sleep, the weekends,
time with my husband.

You have a husband?

Who did you think this was?

I just thought it
came with the frame.

So what do you think
the problem is?

( sighs ) It's partly the hair,

but the tie's not helping.

Oh, no, not with him.

With my popularity.

Oh, well, maybe you just

need to reconnect
with the German people.

And how do I do that?

Well, I don't know.

You seem to have managed
to keep your marriage

ticking along all these years.

How do you keep
that spark alive?

Well, I...
( whispering indistinctly )

Well, you can't do that
to all the German people.

Not with my schedule, no.

You could get
a bold new haircut.

But I got a bold new haircut

only last week.

- You did?
- Ja.

Why do you think

that this side
is all sexy, sexy,

and this side just screams
fiscal responsibility.

Oh, yeah, I see it now.

What? It's too subtle?

A little.

You know what would

really spice things up?

An affair.

What? Cheat on Germany?

Well, it might make them
realize what they've got.

And there are
a lot of countries that would love

a nice leader like you.

- What about Italy?
- Are they looking

for a new prime minister?

Endlessly.

No, I think that the combination

of me plus Italy

is just too much sexy.

How about New Zealand?

Covers their PM's
maternity leave.

How long is the flight?

It's about 28 hours.

Enough time to watch
the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

- Almost.
- I've seen it.

Ugh, I couldn't go
through that again.

Well, how about Britain?

They already have a leader.

That lady with the nice shoes

that she can't walk in.

Yeah, but she's not popular.

Well, then the opposition
will swoop in.

You'd think.

All I'm saying is,

just think about it.

Hmm? You know, Birgit,

you have helped me
make a decision.

Really? So we're
going to Britain?

Nein. Looking into her eyes
has made me realize

that there are worse countries
to lead than Germany.

Is there something wrong
with my phone screen?

No, she's really that pale.

Have you been groped
at home or at work?

Preferably at work.

Have you been asked

to massage someone

in order to get a job

or maybe to buy some sex toys

for another man's wife?

Then we're here to help.

The deadline for reporting
sexual harassment

is fast approaching,

as newspapers are
already losing interest.

You, too, could be due

a half-arsed apology.

But don't take my word for it.

When I was felt up
by an employer in 2009,

I was scared that speaking out

would jeopardize
my entire career.

But now that I've come forward,

they've explained
that is was OK back then,

but they're
sort of sorry anyway.

So that's great.

Don't delay.

There are hundreds
of affected industries,

but only a few weeks

of media interest remaining.

So act now before idiots

who've never experienced it

accuse you of
"jumping on the bandwagon."

Excuse me, could you help?

I'm trying to cross,

but I've left my specs at home,

and I can't see
a thing without them.

I guarantee my support
in your safe transition

from this pavement
to the one opposite.

You're good to go.

Oh, thank you very much.

- ( tires screeching )
- ( nearby woman screaming )

Oh, my God! What happened?

I was going to support
that elderly human

in her bid to safely
cross the road,

then realized
that I could not,

in all good conscience, do so.

So I decided instead
to guide her

into oncoming traffic.

What? Why?!

I think the fact that I took

a difficult
and unpopular decision

proves that I am
a man of principle.

I trust I have your vote.

Male Narrator:
Coming soon to one of those

online, premium, streaming,
download-y digital things:

( screaming )

American Box Set.

The series that everyone
is talking about,

not yet having yet
got 'round to watching.

Starring someone
who's too big for TV,

but who did it
because it was

only three days' work,

and was filming somewhere nice.

This is my only scene,

so they've given me
a special "with" credit

at the end of all
the other credits.

But that's better
than having top billing.

It is. That's right.

Male Narrator:
A kid whose parents let us shave his head.

( screaming )

Male Narrator:
And her you haven't seen

since that big thing
in the '90s.

What the hell
are you doing here?

I'm lending this whole thing
an air of legitimacy,

or it's lending me some.
I'm not sure which.

Male Narrator:
Plus the actor with a massive secret.

I'm, uh, British, actually.

Really? You were American

in that other thing.

I know. I went to Eaton.
We all did.

I also have
an inclusion rider.

Male Narrator:
American Box Set.

Watch it now or talk about

how you're going to get around

to watching it at some point.

No Emmy is worth this.

No Emmy is worth this.

Right, I'm off to lunch.
I will see you in a bit.

Man:
What? No, you can't go.

Because of the dentist,
Amita's off sick.

- So?
- Man: Haven't you heard?

It's now illegal
to be just men in a room

without a woman present.

I don't think it is.

Yeah, I think I read
about that in the papers.

Hashtag Me Too.

Right, yeah, n-no. Uh,

Me Too is about
the harassment of women.

And if there's
just men in a room,

there are no women
to be harassed.

They wouldn't make you put
a woman in a room full of men.

Well, they have.

It started on panel shows,

and now it's everywhere.

Political correctness gone mad.

Kirsty:
No, that's another issue.

That's about representation
and equality.

Half of society are women,

so the workplace
should try and reflect that.

So you're saying
that we need more women?

- Well--
- Shit.

Tony, go and grab us some women

before we become sexist.

No, "grabbing women"
is the problem.

Political correctness gone mad.

Look, it's very simple.

Just afford women
the same freedom, rights,

and opportunities as men,

and don't mentally
or physically abuse them.

What was the last bit again?

You don't have to write it down.

Just treat women with respect.

- Same as men.
- Yes!

So, treat women like men.

- Like one of the lads.
- Hey, Kirsty.

That Kirsty's a bit
of all right, isn't she?

( chuckles )

No, don't define women
by their gender.

Political correctness gone mad?

- Shut up.
- It's OK. I found one.

Cancel the police.

Nobody called the police.

So much goes unreported.

You can go now, Kirsty.

- We are all covered.
- You want me hoover?

- Oh, yeah, sure.
- No, wait.

We define it by gender.

- That's women's work.
- No, it isn't.

He's right. What do you do

when you're not cleaning?

At weekends, I go club...

- do dance.
- Great. Do that.

( club dance music
playing on phone )

Phew. Headed that one
off at the pass.

This is not solving the problem.

She's right. Equal pay.

Come on, everyone.
Chuck money at her.

( music continues )

( Kirsty scoffs )

Well done, lads.

This could so easily

have made us look bad.

( music continues )

I give up. I give up.

I need a present
for the new bally grand sprog.

Hello. What about a hat?

Uh, it's not really
crowny enough.

Or some booties?

Oh, they're good. Yes.

I'll take two dozen
for the dogs.

Charles won't turn
the ( mouthing ) fucking

( normally ) heating on.

What about something practical

like a teething ring?

What the hell's
a teething ring?

Well, you know,
when babies are born,

they don't have teeth.

- They don't have teeth?
- No.

Or you could get a play gym,

which is a good way
of getting exercise while they can't walk.

They can't walk
and they don't have teeth.

What the bloody hell
is the point of them?

Or a little portable bath?

The Royal Marines
take care of maritime issues.

Oh, what's this?

Oh, that's not really
suitable for newborns.

It's a boat that has
little aeroplanes.

It's a fucking
aircraft carrier.

Oh, his little face
will just light up.

- The baby?
- No, my husband, you twonk.

Wrap it up and have it
sent to Highgrove.

Uh, you have to pay.

Oh, you are funny.

Bonsoir mon petit poison.

Emmanuel, husband of mine.

You look worried.

Delicious, of course,
but mainly worried.

( speaks French )
I had a meeting

with the Lorry Drivers' Union.

And how did this meeting go?

They called me President Melt

and threw my iPhone Huit

( whistles ) into the Sein.

So it was better
than last week.

( sighs )

But there's something else,
is there not?

There's something that is
pressing on your tete.

( sighs ) In December,
it is the big quatre zero.

I will turn 40,
and that is, like, so old.

Well, you try being 64, huh?

When I go up the stairs,

my knees make a sound
like grasshoppers.

( imitating a grasshopper )

But you look
so wonderful and sexy.

Even Trump said you
are in great shape...

and a whole bunch
of other stuff

which I will not
tell you about now.

Of course I look magnifique.
I'm a French grandmother.

What did he expect?

Perhaps you are right,
my darling.

I should not dread aging.
I should embrace it.

What did you do
for your 40th?

I was your teacher,
and you were my pupil,

and we had that date
around the back

of the shed de bicylette,
remember?

Ah, school days.
It feels like so long ago.

Emmanuel, it matters not
that there is a difference

of 25 years in our age.

Who cares? It's no more
for Donald and Melania Trump.

Oui, and no one
laughs at them.

( both laughing )

Oh, Buff, but perhaps
the real reason I am worried

about turning 40
is that you will

perhaps leave me
for a younger man.

Oh, you silly little Napoleon.

Everything in France
improves with age.

Wine, cheese,
public conveniences.

You will be more
irresistible than ever.

Bravo! You are right of course.

And now I am going
to go for a 10K run,

and, when I return,
I will make love to you

on a Louis Quatorze chaise
lounge, my ageless angel.

( gasps )

Oh, Emmanuel, careful!

My hip! My hip! Aah!

- ( chuckles ) This one.
- Ca va?

( BBC jingle playing )

You're watching 24 Hour News
with me, Simone Fredericks.

I hope there is someone
out there, isn't there?

Anyway, French swimmer,
Benoit Lecomte has begun

an attempt to swim all the way
across the Pacific Ocean.

I hope he makes it.

Mind you, with the amount
of plastic in there,

if he gets tired swimming,
he could probably just walk.

( BBC jingle playing )

Excuse me, mate.

You couldn't give us
a hand for a second,

hold this ladder for me?

- Certainly.
- Right, thanks.

And may I assure you
that not only do you have

my unwavering personal
commitment in this matter,

but also my steadfast
physical support.

( groaning )

( indistinct
radio transmission )

So you were holding the ladder.

Yes, I was holding the ladder,

but then realized
that I could not,

in all good conscience,
continue to do so,

so I elected instead
to stop holding it

with immediate effect.

- Why would you do that?
- I don't know.

But I think the fact
that I made a difficult and unpopular decision

proves I am
a man of principle.

Now, would you like me
to deliver these blood products?

I won't just
put them in a skip.

Fancy a cuppa?

Already got it covered,
haven't I?

Wife:
I've set the smart kettle to come on

- just before the ad break.
- ( phone chimes )

- Who's that texting ya?
- The boiler.

The temperature
outside has dropped

by two degrees,
so your smart heating system

is compensating accordingly.

( scoffs ) You sure
it's not overcompensating?

It is damn hot in here.

No, it says it is
the perfect temperature.

( vacuum cleaner whirs )

Could you turn
the robovac off?

It's really starting
to annoy me.

Must be malfunctioning.

It's not even programmed
to be on now.

( vacuum cleaner powers off )

Do you really need
every machine in the house

to be connected to the network?

- Get with the times, granddad.
- ( music switches on )

- Music off.
- ( music plays intermittently )

( appliances whirring )

Blinds open! Music off!

Lights off!

Wife:
Stop popping!

Lights, stop it!
Oh, how do I make it stop?

For heaven's sake,
I need some ice!

( music continues )

Oh! Bloody smart freezer!

Oh!

I think the boiler's
just sexted me.

What the hell is that?

I think it's a picture
of its heating element.

Oh, God!

( music from the sitting room
plays over PC)

What are you two playing at?

- Nothing, boss.
- Nothing.

Boss:
You're not hacking into random people's

smart appliances again,
are you?

We are international superpower
and have important work to do.

Now, there is harmless ex-spy

to poison
in Chippenham Nando's.

- Yes, boss.
- On it, boss.

( bells ringing )

To be clear, Arlene,

you insist that
Northern Ireland must be treated

exactly like
the rest of the UK

except on the issue of abortion

where it must be
completely different.

No, I don't see
any contradictions there either.

Great to work with you.

Speak soon.

God, I hope not.

That came for you. More shoes?

Yes. Buying shoes is my way
of relieving stress--

that and closing libraries.

If only we could
get a trade deal

from somewhere, Philip.

something that could
really rally the country

and shut Boris up
for five minutes.

That's an awfully big box.

Yes, they use
so much packaging.

Pull here, and--

- Witch hunt!
- ( Theresa gasps )

Mr. President,
what a pleasant... shock.

I thought, hey,

why don't I do a practice run
to the United England?

I wanted to avoid the crowds
of people in the streets

who all love me.

So you came all the way
in this box?

Was it a good journey?

It was tremendous.

I watched "Black Panther"
on my phone.

You know, I truly believe

that if I had been
in that fight in that waterfall

for the kingdom of Wakanda,

I would have won it
very easily--

a very popular king,
the best king.

Whoa, what's that?

Is that the Brexit button?

Can I push it?

No, don't. That calls the SAS,

so best not to.

Uh, you know what?
Since he's here--

Oh, that's a good idea, Philip.

Um, Donald, we would love
for you to sign this.

It's just a little trade deal
to show the world

that Brexit isn't a slow,
creeping catastrophe.

Sorry! It's a huge trade deal.

- Ooh.
- Biggest one of all time.

- Oh, OK.
- Yes.

- Well, I'll sign it.
- Yes.

- But, first,
- ( Theresa gasps )

let's talk about me.

Who am I gonna golf with
when I come here?

I mean, not you.
You're not famous,

and you're not hot.

We did speak to a number
of golfing celebrities

about that, but they say
they're washing their hair.

All of them?

No, some of them
said they were dead.

Listen, I'm sure
that a lot of people

would love to play
golf with you,

and as soon
as you sign this,

- we can call more of them--
- Yeah, wait--

I wanna threaten nuclear war
with North Korea real quick.

- ( iMessage sound effect )
- I'm bored.

What are we doing now?

Well, um,
you're signing

this trade deal.
( chuckles )

No, I mean tonight.

What do you guys
do on the weekend?

I like to stay in,
and then I go to church.

Sometimes you
mix things up a bit.

Yes, I go to church,
and then I stay in.

I don't believe in God.

I'm very religious.

You're not going
to church this weekend.

We're "not" gonna go
meet some porn stars,

and we're "not" gonna
hang out with them

and pay them 150K
because we didn't bang them.

That sounds very interesting.

I'm gonna go to Singapore now.

- Oh, oh!
- I might have a summit,

or I might have it with myself.

I could summit myself a lot,

and it can be
very loving and meaningful.

Well, it's been lovely
having you here.

Trump:
It was nice to meet you, Mr. Merkel.

Hey, do you guys
have a bathroom?

There isn't one in this box.

Uh, yes. It's, um--

Trump:
Uh-oh. Too late.

You guys have a towel?

( BBC News jingle playing )

I'm Simone Fredericks,

and you're watching
BBC News at 4:32 AM.

The question you've got
to ask yourself is, why?

A former British Airways pilot
has been jailed

for turning up to work after
drinking three double vodkas.

Wait, really? Jailed?

That's just pilots,
though, right?

( BBC News jingle playing )

( children
speaking indistinctly )

Right, folks, it's bath time.

- Children: Aww.
- Child: I don't want to go--

Children, such bellicosity
is bootless.

Nanny has spoken,
and must be obeyed.

Jacob Rees-Mogg:
Bath time it is.

Hands off our fish,
foul Spanish fishing vessel!

These are British waters now.

( imitating Spanish accent )
Oh, no!

Without your English fish,

we will have nothing
to put in our paella.

Taking back control
of the seas, are we, Mr. Rees-Mogg?

That I am, Nanny. ( chuckles )

Shouldn't it be more like,

( imitating Spanish accent )
"Hola. Don't forget,

the common fisheries policy

still applies during
the transition period,

so these are
our waters until 2020.

( normal) Oh, no!
The British fishing industry

will never
survive that long.

We've been sold
down the river by the Tories.

Glug, glug, glug.

That will be all, Nanny.

Don't forget to wash
your minnow.

It's no good, Nicola.

I've scrubbed
and I've scrubbed,

but they still smell of London.

A wee rub of Glenmorangie
should do the trick.

( sniffs ) Oh, that's better.

Oh, thanks
for coming to get me from Westminster, Nicola.

I hate it down south.

Aye, it was nay bother.

I had to pop down anyway

to spray paint Judas
on the Regent Street branch

of the Edinburg Woollen Mill.

- ( sipping loudly )
- Hang on.

A cup and a straw?

Nicola, what are you doing?

Scotland leads the way
in plastic reduction.

We're the first to ban
cotton buds and straws!

Aye, I know.
All that waste plastic

created a huge
floating plastic island out there in the sea.

- It's a disgrace.
- ( sipping loudly ) No,

it's an opportunity.

We shouldn't be reducing
our plastic use.

We should be increasing it.

- Why?
- Well, think about it.

The Chinese are using
plastics to make runways.

The Columbians are
using it to make houses.

So what if we use plastics
to make more Scotland?

More Scotland?

- Aye.
- As big as England.

Bigger! Make us
the major landmass in the UK.

See how they like being
the little stuck-on bit full of angry people.

Oh, if we could make them
get the sleeper train to us

instead of
the other way around.

I'm callin' it

"Operation Scotland's Rubbish."

Well, that's just
a working title.

It starts by putting
all the discarded plastic

into the Firth of Forth.

It moves out into the North Sea,
more plastic, all the plastics--

We'll wrap chips in plastic,

make plastic bagpipes--

plastic bags
to carry plastic bags!

I'm doing my bit.

Look, I've got plastic bottles,

I've got plastic cups,

I've got plastic
sandwich wrappers.

You didn't really think

I was going to eat
coronation bloody chicken?

Quick! We're on
the East Coast Mainline.

We could get it direct
into the sea from here.

I know, wee Mary.

We're only
at Berwick-upon-Tweed.

Wait until we cross the border.

The last thing we want to do
is accidently make more England.

Wait a second. Are we getting
a wee bit carried away?

I mean,
when you think about it, what's more important?

The entire future
of this fragile Planet Earth...

- or Scotland?
- ( intercom beeps )

Announcer:
Ladies and Gentleman,

we are now entering Scotland.

Dunbar, next stop.
Next stop, Dunbar.

( train horn blows )

Are you all right in there?

Trump:
It's better than the new U .S. Embassy.

- Trump: Ooh! Aah!
- Careful with that.

It's got the President
of the United States in it.

Trump:
Trade war.

Trump:
( groans ) Oh, my hair!

( music playing )

WOMAN: You have lost him.
Look. But it's...

It's time for plan B.

-I have brought you strudel,
Frau Merkel. -Ja.

What do you want?

♪ (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Do you wanna look sexy
or be taken seriously?

Can I both?

(LAUGHING)
What a lovely thought.

POLLSTER CHIEF:
It's been a tricky couple of years for us pollsters.

So, we've completely overhauled
our canvassing system

to make sure we got
this election dead right.

-INTERVIEWER: And did you?
-No.

♪ (CLASSICAL MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

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