Original subtitles

Whoa, take him down, Richie.

So explain it to me with the gays.

What exactly is a top? And what exactly is a bottom?

Okay. Well, if you give, you're the top, the prodder,

if you take, you're the bottom, the prodee.

But it's a sliding scale from top to bottom starting with exclusive tops,

who only ever top and never bottom.

Then you've got versatile tops, who mostly top, sometimes bottom.

And then versatiles, who can top or bottom.

Then you got versatile bottoms, who mostly bottom, sometimes top,

and then exclusive bottoms, who only ever bottom.

- You get me? - Yes.

- So what's Richie? - Ow!

Well, Richie is a versatile top, obviously.

Hold on, so if Richie is a top and Dave's a bottom,

when they roll over in their special cuddles,

Richie's the man? Dave's the girl?

Oh, Dave.

I'm thinking not.

The gig was amazing.

- I don't know how Dave got the tickets. - Contacts, babe.

Okay, so, she starts off in this pit,

and Born This Way starts playing Dave and I are Like that,

and then these fireworks starts shooting over us, and I was like, "Oh, yes!"

So, Richie, have you shaved your armpits?

Oh, yeah.

Why have you shaved your pits?

It's just a look, mate.

It's quite a girly look.

To go with your girly do.

How's it girly?

Well, it's just... Did you use my curling tong to get it to...

That's a finger wave.

Don't worry, babe, this happens all the time.

People say it just looks girly when they sit next to me.

Yeah, I can feel mine perming as we speak.

It's just a little bit camp, Richie.

Alice, I am not camp.

The things you say.

J'accuse!

Richie, you've gone bottom.

Oh, shut up.

This is so early.

Come on, we have to get this rigged before he wakes up.

We need a giant fork.

Slower, slower.

It's a method.

Oh, you're getting too much air into it.

Fold it.

Birthdays!

Yes, you did it, princess.

You made a cake. A beautiful, bouncing cake.

We both did it. We both did it, honey. Together.

- I'm so happy. - I know.

I'm so happy...

- Dave. - Dave.

Look what I got for the birthday boy.

We're letting him have a lie in. His big day and that.

Yep, no rush, I'm cool.

- A cup of tea, Dave? - Get the cake.

Dave, we've been up since five baking this cake.

When you put that in its proper context,

it meant that we actually had to learn how to bake.

That's a pretty amazing feat, when you think about it.

Aah!

Why, I think your cake is amazing. I know he'll really love it.

Wow.

That's why we early-morning baked that.

I mean, it's so weird. Two cakes.

- That's what we call him sometimes. - Really?

Richie-two-cakes.

- I don't... - Oh, happy birthday!

Happy birthday, Richie!

Fuck me.

I'm 30.

Hi, I'm 30.

- Oh. - Oh.

Happy birthday, babe.

No, Dave.

I love it when he calls him babe.

Wow. Thank you so much.

Try it on.

Hmm?

Hmm? What do you think, guys? Huh?

- Life-changing T-shirt from Dave. - Yes.

It's very, um...

Snug.

- That's okay. - Oh, it's a great look, babe.

- Thanks. - Richie, Richie.

Richie.

Look at the cake that me and Mitch made you at five o'clock this morning.

From scratch, by hand.

You see what it is, don't ya? You see that?

Of course. Look, Dave. Hmm.

They're my two favourite birthday things. Remember?

Oh, of course I do. It's, um...

Camilla and Star Trek.

Camilla... Princess Anne and Star Wars.

I know, Princess Anne and Star Wars. Remind me why.

Well,

Princess Anne opened the college library me and Alice's first year.

First my birthday together, remember, Alice?

We got wasted on this... This cheap cider

and made this little homemade flags and Alice was sick on her shoes.

On Alice's shoes?

No, on Princess Anne's, and then...

The rest of that night was a bit of a blur,

but, that evening, we went to see Phantom Menace.

So, Princess Anne, Star Wars, get it?

You were sick on Princess Anne's shoes?

Only a little bit.

Only little bit of sick?

Only on a little bit of shoe.

I'm actually quite proud of that.

Alice...

Cut our cake.

But, he's still...

Right, um...

Do you want a piece, princess?

I would love to, but I can't, 'cause I'm fat.

A big, fat, horrible mess.

You are not a big, fat, horrible mess and, you know,

the new tits.

Honey, bigger tits do not make up for the fact that I have a giant orca body.

Well...

So,

I was thinking of grabbing Richie this afternoon/evening for a wine/dine,

probably not 69, at St Pancras Champagne Bar.

So, what time do you have him till?

St Pancras Champagne Bar.

You... You can't.

You can't have him today.

Not on his special day. We've... We've made plans.

I made plans, too.

Oh, Dave, that sounds so lovely.

But I made plans first.

Yeah, well, my plans are a surprise.

Mine are a better surprise.

Surprise plans?

- What? What? What? What? What? - Uh, well...

Well, mate, you're gonna love this. Get ready, it's amazing.

- Yeah. - Okay, okay, okay, we are going...

- Hmm... - We are going...

- Yeah. - Wait for it.

- Right. - To Basildon.

Basildon?

It's a leisure centre.

They're getting a swimming pool and guess who the hell is opening it?

I don't know. I don't know.

Wait a minute.

- Princess Anne? - Princess Anne!

That's your birthday surprise.

We're bringing you to Basildon to see Princess Anne open a leisure centre.

Jesus Christ!

She got T-shirts. She got T-shirts!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This is gonna be great.

Us four and Princess Anne.

Us... Four?

Oh, well, I could never resist Princess Anne. I mean, she is,

what, 11th in line for the throne?

She's 10th in line to the throne.

Princess Anne is 10th in line to the throne.

Peter Phillips is 11th in line to the throne.

Peter Phillips is 11th in line to the throne.

Sorry. Princess?

I cannot believe Richie inviting him.

Princess Anne is our thing.

Fucking Dave.

Mr Cake, Mr Lady Gaga, Mr Big-big arms.

Why are you so bothered by Dave?

The T-shirt, the hair cut, the lady bits, babe?

Dave has turned Richie into a needy bottom.

A needy bottom?

I don't remember that on the list of bottoms.

It's because they are the worst kind.

Look, I've gotta say, I like him.

But, I would prefer if Dave didn't come to Basildon,

because it is ridiculous.

But when it's just the three of us, it's brilliant fun.

Having a responsible adult there just makes you feel like a right twat.

So I have your permission to ditch Dave by any means necessary?

God, yes, do it.

Oh, what have I done?

"Dear Richard, have a lovely 30th birthday,

"lots of love, Julian and Kenny."

Oh, look this, a little book token there. Thirty quid.

Very good.

Hey, Richie, um...

I'm gonna put some whites on later, and I was just...

You're so good at whites, with the... The white thing, that I could...

You could maybe show me how to do that.

- The machine. - Yeah, sure, mate.

- Just a second. - Sorry, Dave.

No prob.

Easy, mate.

Hey, Dave. How are you?

Good. You know me. Yeah, as always.

Oh, good, good, I'm glad you're so good.

Listen, Dave, I am so sorry about earlier, you know,

just getting all Gunfight at the O.K Corral

It's so silly.

We can all share Richie.

Well, uh, thank you, Alice, I appreciate that.

No problem, Dave.

Set to "wash."

Dave, could I just, um... Could I just have a little word?

Yep.

It's just about today, Dave, um...

- Princess Anne and Basildon. - Hmm.

Yeah, it's really difficult to say, so I'm just gonna come out and say it.

Mitch is autistic.

What?

- Really? - Yeah.

- Switch that switch on. - It's done.

It's not bad. You know, he's at the functioning end of the spectrum,

which is good, he's just a little bit autistic.

Please don't tell him I told you. Don't tell anyone else.

It's just, you know, he gets a bit nervous

if the plans change at the last minute.

Right. So you mean if, if I come along,

he might... It might set him off?

There you go. Yep.

Just, for example, last year we went to London Zoo

and he lost his special little blue cap.

To cut a long story short, Dave,

he nearly got into a fight with a gibbon.

Mmm-hmm.

Look at him. He's so special.

Are you serious? Me and Mitch can drink?

For one day only, as you're 30.

Right. So the rules are,

every time someone curtseys, we take a sip.

Every time someone gives her flowers, we take a gulp.

If she asks us what we do, what we think of the weather,

or have we travelled far to be here,

we neck the royal lot!

Oh, there she is.

Guys, it's not her. Sorry, it's a traffic warden.

- Sorry. - Sorry.

Oh, God.

- Look like a twat now. - Oh, don't worry about it.

- That's a nice one of her. - Oh.

Look, that's me and her.

- And there's me and her and you. - Hey!

Oh, and that's Special Branch

Asking us to move along.

Hello. It's Dave. It's Dave.

How was she?

Regal as fuck.

So have you finished that, uh, buildering thing?

Yeah. That was more about... Yeah, Alice said

about Mitch.

- What about him? - About his

special needs.

You lied to Dave to ditch him.

I have baby brain. I cannot be expected to remember everything I say.

Yeah, but don't get upset.

- But she said you were autistic. - What?

At the functioning end of the spectrum.

Oh, thank God. For a minute there,

I thought you might have said something bad about me.

Look, Richie, it wasn't just me, okay?

Mitch thought it, too.

I mean, don't tell me you didn't have more fun without him.

- That's not the point. - Well, what is the point?

The point is I want you to like him.

It's my birthday, can't you give me that?

You're supposed to be on my side, you should be happy for me.

Hmm?

All right. You know what?

Forget it. I'm meeting Dave.

Oh, Richie.

Well, what about Phantom Menace night?

What? What does this mean?

Are we having Phantom Menace night or not?

I don't know. I'm pissed.

So you think he's definitely coming back, then?

Of course. Yeah. Sure. Of course he is.

You're not just telling me that

because I've turned into a big, massive, pregnancy whale.

Oh, my God, honey, I've turned into a needy bottom.

It's catching.

- Can I ask you a question? - Yes, please do.

Do you think C-3PO is a bottom?

Yes, honey, I think he probably is.

Then, does that make R2-D2 his top?

Well, he does have a lot of extendable attachments.

- I'd say he's very gentle. - Hmm.

Alice, when I proposed to you,

Richie supported us every step of the way.

You have got to let him go.

Richie deserves to be happy and Dave makes him happy.

You know I'm right.

How do I know you're right?

Because I'm going to do my special wink.

What would I do without you?

Oh, Alice, the most terrible, terrible things.

So what is Phantom Menace night?

Oh, it's this, this tradition.

We get dressed up every year, um,

and we see Phantom Menace for my birthday.

Last year, we all went as storm troopers, right,

but Alice got it completely wrong.

She had this storm troopers helmet on a clone trooper's body armour.

It was like...

Wow, so sexy when you nerdgasm.

So, here's to you and your very happy birthday.

Oh, Alice relaxed the rules for the morning,

but I'm not really supposed to drink.

It's the illicitness that makes it so delicious.

Bloody hell, for a builder, you have a remarkable vocabulary.

Yeah, The Sun's really upped its game recently.

Have breakfast with me.

Stay with me tonight.

Dave, I can't.

It's Phantom Menace night. Really.

Give me one good reason why I should.

Because it would be magniloquent.

Open the freaking door.

- Mitch... - I want to wash my clothes.

- Let me wash... - Mitch. Mitch, hurry.

Mitch.

- Oh, God. - What? What's wrong?

- I don't know. I don't know. - Okay, sit down, sit down.

Sit down, don't worry, don't panic.

- All right. Sit down. - Oh, God.

I think we should tell Richie.

Yeah, yeah, I'll call him. I'll call him now.

Okay.

- Oh, I'm scared, honey. - It's all right, don't be scared.

Don't be scared, all right. It's going to be okay.

- Okay. - Hold my hand, hold my hand.

So, do you have time for dinner tonight?

- Yeah. - There's this

little French place I know.

Yeah. I love French cuisine.

It goes against my every Scottish instinct,

but it's time to admit that deep fried is not a food group.

So what's this little French place?

Um... It's called Paris.

Eurostar.

You should be sneaky with your sock draw.

Dave.

Oh, my God, this is amazing. I...

Can I just leave Alice and Mitch?

I... Mmm...

Richie,

I can't help but notice you've made certain changes for me.

I don't expect you to do anything for me but be you.

So, whatever choice you make,

it's fine by me.

Dave.

Richie,

I think I could really fall...

Could Mr Richard Valentine

please contact his wife urgently.

I repeat, can Mr Richard Valentine

- please contact his wife urgently. - Wife?

Alice. Oh, sh...

The baby. The baby!

Sorry.

Alice, Alice, Alice, what's wrong?

- Richie, Richie. - What's wrong?

Shh, shh, shh... It's all right. Please continue.

Okay. So from what I can see,

it looks like Alice has a low-lying placenta,

which has caused her some pain and blood spotting.

But I am very confident it's gonna sort itself out on its own.

Oh, Alice.

Alice, I need to give you a quick vaginal examination, so, um,

you might want to...

Oh, no, fire ahead, Doctor, it's nothing they haven't seen before.

Actually, I haven't seen it before.

Dave,

speaking of twats, I am so sorry for being one.

It's absolutely okay.

I'm just glad you're fine.

Thanks, Dave.

He's so lovely.

Richie, I'm so, so sorry.

I was being such a... Bitch!

Not you, Doctor.

I'm so sorry, Richie.

I was just so scared I was gonna lose you.

You're the father, I can't lose you.

Lose me? Alice,

you've got me for life.

Okay.

And you can relax.

I am going to keep you in overnight, but I think baby's going to be fine.

Oh.

Oh, do you want to know about the sex?

Mmm...

- No. We don't want to know. - No. We don't want to know.

Okay.

I do.

What?

I want to know.

I want to know.

What is it?

You said you didn't want to know.

No, go on. Tell us.

Come on.

It's a girl.

- Yay! - Yay!

A girl.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, God.

What if she's a slag?

Hey.

She's got you for a dad, how could...

Forget I said that.

Richie,

back at the station, I started trying to tell you something.

Dave,

I think I...

I think I love this baby.

More than I ever thought I could, and she needs me.

She needs me.

Dave, for once, I can't put me first.

Dave, could you just...

Could you just wait?

Just not fall in love with anyone else

for a few months, until the baby is born

and I've worked out how the hell to be a father? And then just...

Just... Just come and find me.

Is that too much

to ask?

She's a very lucky girl to have someone like you here for her.

You know, we haven't even thought of a name yet.

No, uh, I meant Alice.

I am so sorry about Paris.

I get it.

You chose Basildon.

May the forceps be with you.

Richard!

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