All language subtitles for The.Kids.Are.Alright.S01E13.HDTV.x264-SVA[eztv]

["Turkey in the Straw" plays]

ADULT TIMMY: Our church's
annual Talent Night

was a few days away,

and my brothers and I
were getting ready.

Where have I heard that song before?

Ice cream truck! Ice cream truck!

♪♪

[Applause]

Well, we know one of us
has college paid for.

I always looked forward
to doing my thing

on Talent Night... especially this year,

because my thing was a thing
my dad didn't actually hate.

[As Rodney Dangerfield] I tell ya.

When I was a kid,
all I knew was rejection.

My yo-yo... it never came back.

- No respect. No respect at all.
- [Laughing]

Even his yo-yo didn't respect him.

For my act, I chose to do
stand-up comedy,

imitating one of my father's
favorite comedians.

DANGERFIELD: What a dumb family I got.

Last week, I looked up my family tree.

- Two dogs were using it.
- [Both laugh]

ADULT TIMMY: He loved the old-timers
with their one-liners.

Rodney Dangerfield, Rickles,
and Henny Youngman.

Two dumb guys go bear hunting.

They see a sign on the road,
"Bear Left,"

- so they went home.
- [Both laugh]

My dad could not actually tell a joke,

but he had perfected
the art of joke-explaining.

Take my wife... please!

You see, you think he's bringing
up the topic of his wife,

but he really just
wants to be rid of her.

Under... Understanding what it
means makes it even funnier!

- [Both laugh]
- Shouldn't he be in bed?

These are the precious hours for
pretending I don't have kids.

- Please, Dad!
- It's a school night.

He's getting an education right here.

"Take my wife" can mean two things.

[Quietly] I wish Jesus
would take me right now.

[As Dangerfield] I tell ya,
marriage is no picnic.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years.

- Then we met.
- [Laughs]

She's a peach, that one.

Last night our house caught fire.

I heard her tell the kids,
"Be quiet. You'll wake up Daddy".

[Laughs]

She wants him to burn up.

That is not a happy marriage.

Dinner! It's leftovers.

Finish 'em tonight, or
they'll just keep coming back.

The man in the truck
gave me an ice cream.

- You found an ice cream truck?
- No.

These are the Valentines
people gave me last year.

I'm covering up the name,
so try not to give

the same one back to the kid
who gave it to you.

[Scoffs] Valentine cards?

Not the way I'd go. You like a girl?

You need to act like
you're not interested.

- But I'm not interested.
- Very good, compadre.

I'm headed over to Davey's,

and then we'll be hanging out
at "the Sev" until late.

Hanging out at the convenience store?

What's the big attraction over there?

It's not here.

Can't argue with that.

"Some Bunny Loves You".

Pretty forward for the second grade.

And the way she's holding that carrot...

Mom, I got this for Wendi,

then I figured I should try a couple

to see if they're okay, but...

[Papers rattle]

Sounds a bit rattly.

There still might be
some Halloween candy

you can use to fill in the empties.

Don't you remember, Mama?

A burglar broke in and stole
all my Halloween candy

and Timmy's "Godspell" album
he played all the time.

Cover your eyes, Pat.

Be sure to check for razor blades.

Your dad's running short.

Hey, Mom, there's
a really bad smell in here.

I'm worried maybe Pat's hamster
finally turned up.

Yay! Darby's back.

If he's back, then it's hamster Easter.

[Sniffing]

Holy Moly, I smell it, too.

But we can call off the manhunt.

This isn't a problem we can
just fling over the fence

into Mrs. Strausser's yard.

When was the last time you took a bath?

[As Dangerfield]
Why? Is there one missing?

[Normal voice] I had one
on Saturday, like always.

Once a week isn't
cutting it anymore, kiddo.

You need to take a shower every morning,

- like your big brothers.
- There goes the water bill.

Everybody drink less water

or fill up at school, where it's free.

Wait, a shower every day?
Who has that kind of time?

It's quick... unless you linger in there

like Frank does, doing God knows what.

Excuse me for being thorough.

Funny. You always get "thorough"

right after a "Batman" episode
with Catwoman.

I...

Does this mean no more baths

in Timmy's secondhand tub water?

It's not that bad.

The changing of the guard
is the awkward part.

- What if I promise not to sweat?
- It's not just the sweat.

You've got glands now,
and they're going to town

with the hormones and the secretions.

And the hairs popping up in places

you don't want a razor anywhere near.

It's all perfectly natural
and disgusting.

Ah yes, I remember this
"delicate" puberty talk.

Puberty? I don't want any puberty.

Can't be stopped.

No, but you can minimize
your shamefulness

through compulsive washing

and hiding your body
under loose-fitting clothes.

Thanks a lot.
Now I actually am sweating.

Since we're already mixing things up,

can I stop sharing a tub with Pat?

Ridiculous.

Next, you'll want your own toothbrush.

[Scoffs]

Look, Mom.

I got 40 Valentines today and a banana!

I gave you the banana.

Aw, I love you too, Mom.

A lot of fuss and feathers
over Valentines.

You ever miss that you and I don't...

What are you talking about?

I picked this out special for you.

"Olive you".

And a picture of an olive. [Chuckles]

See an "olive" sounds like "I love".

[Chuckles]

- Here's yours.
- Ah.

"Your super cute...
you're secret admirer".

- [Chuckles]
- You even spelled both "yours" wrong.

I'm adorable.

We're home.

I saw a pig today. In a jar.

[Sniffs] Timmy?

What's up?

You didn't take that shower
we talked about.

Fine. Give me a wet paper towel.
I'll hit the hot spots.

You're one big hot spot, kid.

Do as your mom says.

I'm late. I gotta go

practice my act at the Parish Hall.

I'll shower when I get home.

♪♪

Okay, stinky.

We can do this the easy way

or the hard way.

You set me up!

It's not personal.

- It's personal hygiene.
- [Chuckles]

[Distorted] Noooo!

["The Six Million Dollar Man"
sound effect]

♪♪

Eddie, you're up.

Wha...? Aah!

Aah!

[Laughs]

Oh!

Idiot.

[Groans]

Looks like Frank picked the hard way.

I'm handing this off to you now.

Just throw him in the tub
and do that thing

you did in the war to Nazi spies.

I kinda sugar-coated that story, Peg.

I say we just let this Timmy
thing play itself out.

We can't just ignore this.

Smell my kitchen.

It's like we have better-quality
cheese than the cheese we buy.

It's not like we haven't
been through this before.

As soon as a boy that age starts
getting interested in girls,

this whole showering issue
will solve itself.

You want to leave this to Mother Nature?

Yeah, and whichever
unfortunate female out there

"awakens the beast".

Ugh. I feel sorry for everyone
involved in that scenario.

You know that Supremes song
"You Can't Hurry Love"?

My mom wasn't a fan.

She knew instinctively

that the way to get
a narcissist like me into girls

was to make me think a girl was into me.

- [Clears throat]
- I forgot my bag!

I'll be back for dinner, Mom!

[Groans]

[Panting]

♪♪

Eddie, hi.

I thought we were going out later.

I wanted to give these to you early,

because I cannot stop eating them

and there won't be anything left
but candy corn.

That's so nice of you. [Chuckles]

Oh!

So that's how you get
in and out of there.

Listen, it's actually pretty slow today.

"Tennis Cat" didn't turn out
to be the Valentine's date movie

my manager thought it would be.

I'll see if I can go early.

What time are the reservations?

Okay, good. So that's not a problem.

If any customers come,
say I'll be back in a jif.

- You want to sit in the booth?
- Yes, please.

But just don't touch the...

Yeah, don't touch that.

Sorry. It's my first day.

[As Dangerfield]
My doctor says I drink too much.

Last time I gave a urine sample,
there was an olive in it!

[Normal voice] Hold for laughs,

hold for laughs...

As a disciplined performer,

I liked to visit the venue before a show

and get a feel for the space.

[As Dangerfield] I tell ya.

My wife made me join a bridge club.

I jump off next Tuesday!

[Normal voice] Hold for
laughs, hold for laughs.

Six, seven, eight...

What are you doing?

Oh, hey, Lisa.

I'm just practicing my jokes.

Was that supposed to be funny?

Absolutely. Did you see how long
I had to hold for laughs?

It just seems weird,
making jokes about alcoholism

and jumping off a bridge.

People die from things like that.

It's a lot better
when you see me in wardrobe...

it adds a layer of pathos
which makes it safe to laugh.

Well, I'll be at the show.

My brother is doing his magic act.

Your brother dabbles
in the conjuring arts?

He's a dork, if that's what you mean.

Yeah. That's what I meant.

I gotta go meet my friends at "the Sev".

I'll see you around.

Uh, okay.

♪♪

Up until that moment,

I had always sought
my admiration in bulk

from the adoring eyes
of a cheering crowd.

Could I be equally satisfied
by just one person?

The short answer is no...

at least not until my early 30s,

but then... still not really.

- Happy Valentine's Day!
- Agh... what the...

Put that away!

Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.

I-I thought you were that girl.

W-Where'd she go?

She's inside. She'll be back in a jiff.

And I'm not supposed to touch this.

Get it together, man.

You get it together! You're the weirdo!

If I could figure out
how to get out of here,

I'd knock your block off.

Well... well, tell her I came by.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Agh!

Oh, Timmy. Shreigt knop-nu.

I just said "Good evening"
in the Magorian language

as translated in
the Chronicles of Quaytar.

I'm hoping it can count as my
foreign language in high school.

The first phrase
you're gonna need to learn is

"Stop hitting me with my book".

Magorian is a language of peace.

They have 11 different words for "hug".

Somebody put it in my book bag.

I think it's this girl Lisa.

"Your super cute.
You're secret admirer".

She told me that she was
gonna be at "the Sev" tonight

and then she said "See you around".

Googeegan...

Very googeegan...

[Doorknob rattling]

Okay, Alan said I can go.

Wendi, there's a man out there

wearing a long leather coat.

It's a very cool coat,
but what he did was not cool.

Oh, you mean...

He's done this before? To you?

Does it make you feel less special?

This is terrible!
We should call the police!

Or maybe we can just go out

and not let some creep ruin our evening.

You're just letting this go?

There's a guy out there
showing people stuff

that only his doctor
and gym coach should see.

This is one of the hassles of this job.

You're a captive audience
in a little box.

I get lonely old people
and Jehovah's Witnesses...

and sometimes men in raincoats
who also want witnesses.

- We have to tell your manager.
- No.

If I choose to,
I will say something to Alan,

but believe me, it's not going to help.

I thought you were taking off.

I want to report an incident.

Eddie, stop.

It was a flasher, Alan.
But it's no big deal.

- Flasher?
- It is a big deal.

He's done it before,

and he tricks you
by wearing a really cool coat.

We can't have that stuff around here.

We do a strong family business.

Well, not this week.
Thank you, "Tennis Cat".

I appreciate you reporting it.

See, Wendi? Alan gets it.

Now, what can we do to make sure

this doesn't happen to Wendi again?

I can't believe he fired you.

I can. Alan's a worm.

I knew he'd do something like this.

Well, then, maybe you're better off.

No, I'm not.

I liked this job.

I could go see free movies,
I could do my homework...

I saw a really funny car accident.

That's why I wish
you had just left it alone.

You know what? I don't feel
like going out tonight.

Is it 'cause you aren't
making any money?

'Cause we can go Dutch.

I've heard Dutch food is less expensive.

I just want to go home.

♪♪

One for "Tennis Cat," please?

20 minutes to sloppy joes.

It was meant to be hamburgers,

but this ground chuck refuses to clump.

Would it be okay if I went
and hung out with the gang

at "the Sev" instead?

What's the big attraction at "the Sev"?

- It's not here.
- Oh, I get that.

I suppose. I just wish
you'd said you weren't eating

before I stretched this
with a can of tuna.

Could be why it's not clumping, Peg.

Ugh. Maybe I'll take a shower first.

Mm.

Like I said, it was only
a matter of time.

I may have sped up
that process a little.

I put that secret admirer's
Valentine in his book bag.

That's kind of a devious trick.

Having kids can be a slog.

You've got to do things
to keep it interesting.

Oh, trust me, I'm not gonna
miss that smell.

I had to flip over
all the sofa cushions.

But the poor kid is now
walking around thinking...

And no longer stinking, hm?

I'm just not sure you should
be playing God, hon.

God has a lot on His plate.

He needs someone qualified
to take up the slack.

Wash up for dinner!
We're having surf 'n' turf!

♪♪

♪ Now I'm a man ♪

♪ Of mid 21 ♪

What's poppin', gents?

My Skynyrd shirt. Nice.

Hope you don't mind.

I'm a big fan of Leonard's.

So, what are you doing here?

Your mom send you to buy
some Kaopectate? [Laughs]

Hey, you guys hear about
Timmy's diarrhea?

- It's all over town.
- [Laughter]

He's joking. I don't have...

I don't have diarrhea.

Never mind.

So, when do things
get started around here?

[Laughs] "Started"?

This is it.

Oh, we're already doing it.

Nice.

It just doesn't seem
like we're doing much.

That's the whole point.

If we're just standing here,
then standing here

is the coolest possible thing
you can do.

If I go in and buy some Wacky Packs,

then that's what you want to be doing.

Yeah, unless you wanna suck.

I don't want to suck.

Now you get it, Diarrhea.

[Laughter]

The secret to being cool is confidence.

And not sprayin' your shorts,
like you are.

Will you please stop it?

Hey, Joey. Hi, Timmy.

I hope your tummy's feeling better.

Much better, thank you.

What's happening, Kathy?

Nothing much.

Is that your bike?

That's my ride, yeah.

I like the color.

It's like orange, but not orange-orange.

I still have a dumb Princess bike.

It's not as cool as yours.

Hey, to each, right?

I bet your bike is really fast.

I could give you a ride.

I'll take a ride.

If that's what the lady wants.

♪ I'm a man ♪

♪ Spelled "M" ♪

- ♪ A-N ♪
- What did I just see happen?

Joey is a master.

Does she want a ride?
Does she not want a ride?

He's good either way,
so of course she wants the ride.

So by not trying to get
something, he gets it?

Listen, you don't want to be
enthusiastic about chicks

or anything, okay?

Liking stuff is for dorks.

Hey, Davey.

Hey. Buy me a grape Fanta,
I'll try to remember your name.

Screw you.

The game is afoot.

♪♪

So, Lisa never came to "the Sev"?

No, and all day at school,
she didn't even look at me.

I'm sorry. I guess
she doesn't really like you.

You don't understand how stuff works.

Ignoring me probably means
she's super interested.

In fact, she ignored me so much today,

I'm a little worried
we're moving too fast.

- Hey, Dad.
- Hey.

Your idiot brother fell off the roof

and busted the steps
with his big, fat head.

I'd make him fix it himself, but, uh,

his "vision is blurry".

I'm gonna be at this for a while.

Do you want to come out
and work on your act

- for the show tomorrow?
- I don't know.

I'm thinking about not doing the show.

Well, look, it makes sense
if you're a little nervous.

I, uh, heard about your stomach issues.

There's nothing wrong with my stomach!

It's just, this Rodney Dangerfield stuff

seems dorky to me now.

Oh, now you're turning on him, too?

All the man wants is a little respect.

I just don't feel like doing it, okay?

I'm gonna go take a shower.

I could grab my accordion, Dad.

I'm pretty much done here.

I'll be quick.

Another shower?

We'll have to buy a third towel.

Well, let's not go nuts.

- This is your doing.
- [Scoffs]

Getting the boy all confused
that some girl likes him?

Last week, he's wiggling
around in a skirt,

singing the Chiquita Banana song.

Suddenly, he's worried
about looking dorky?

Oh, it's a shame, Peg.

These kids in a road-race

to leapfrog over adolescence
to sex-sex-sex.

Whatever happened
to playing Red Rover, huh?

Or carving a bi-plane out of balsa wood

or catching polliwogs in a creek?

I didn't realize
I was married to Huck Finn.

You know, we had a very stinky
problem, which I solved,

so I hope there's a "thank you"
at the end of this.

You know, we lose something
growing these kids up too quick.

His Dangerfield act was hilarious.

I mean, yeah, the kid can be a jackass,

but there's something special there.

Now what are we left with?

Just another teenager
trying to be "cool".

- [Accordion plays]
- [Groans]

I got to find that kid a secret admirer.

[Accordion continues]

[Indistinct conversations]

You guys gonna sit down?

Standing's the way to go.

Yeah, we're here, but it's not
like we're into being here.

Plus, we can make fun of stuff

without disturbing the other patrons.

We're cool, but we're not rude.

♪♪

And there she was.

The girl I thought I maybe liked,

mostly because I thought
maybe she liked me.

And both of us playing it cool.

The indifference was electrifying.

♪♪

Your mom said you got your job back

but you were still mad so
I should give you some space.

My mom should mind her own business.

Yeah, your mom.

That's who we're mad at now. Your mom.

I brought you a peace offering...

more of that Halloween and...
the cast album to "Godspell".

You should go. To get my job back,

I had to threaten Alan with
telling the health department

how he sells floor popcorn.

And don't even get me started
on the hot dogs.

I know. They are really good here.

What about that pervert?

I brought this.

Now I can flash him right back.

You wouldn't have to worry about that

if you worked behind the candy counter.

I could talk to Alan for you.

No, stop.

Stuff would happen
at the candy counter, too.

Women deal with that crap every day.

Men cat-calling you on the street

or dropping change so they can
look up your skirt.

[Chuckles] I am constantly
dropping my change.

Is that what women think I'm doing?!

Think about the way your brothers

talk about girls on TV.

Or Joey with his friends at "the Sev".

Women live in a world
you can't begin to appreciate.

I get it.

It must be like how Tennis Cat felt

being the only cat playing at Wimbledon.

All the unwanted attention
and the cat-calls.

But those were the other cats
cheering him on.

There's nothing I can do to help?

Just keep being the decent guy you are.

And learn to handle your change better.

[Laughs]

Come back after my shift.

I still want that Valentine's dinner.

I'll even let you pay for it,

as a gesture of equality and respect.

The boys who work here make
an extra buck an hour,

so I'll let you pay.

I'd be happy to.

[Coins jingle]

- Pervert.
- Ew!

[Sousa's "Stars and Stripes
Forever" plays]

♪♪

That is one lucky baton.

Oh, yeah.

For some reason, Davey thought
the baton was lucky,

but I was envying the girl...

up on stage in a glittery costume,

doing something
she was marginally good at,

and getting applause!

[Applause]

[Feedback]

Take my wife. Please!

[Laughter]

I have been in love with
the same woman for 42 years.

If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

- [Laughter]
- You see?

You think he's talking
about his wife, but...

- I get it.
- [Chuckles]

You know, seeing this kid,
I'm regretting now

Timmy didn't do his stupid act.

Hm.

Although, even 10 rows back,

I am picking up B.O.

There was a girl knocking on
my hotel room door all night.

Finally, I let her out.

[Chuckling]

I want to crap on this kid
for trying so hard,

but damn it, he's too funny!

I told the doctor that
I broke my leg in two places.

He told me to quit going
to those places.

- [Laughter]
- Thank you.

[Cheers and applause]

William's got to go on after him?

About time. I've had it up to here

with this "New York" humor.

["Turkey in the Straw" plays]

Ice cream truck! Ice cream truck!

I'm gonna go follow him this time.

[Music continues]

Okay, gents, gotta get set
for my performance.

What? You're in the show?

Davey said this stuff wasn't cool.

The secret to being cool

is not caring what anybody else thinks.

Especially some bozo like Davey.

And I don't care
that you think I'm a bozo.

Cool.

Okay, that bozo thing
did kind of hurt a little.

[Rock music plays]

I'd like to dedicate this

to all the beautiful ladies
out there tonight.

Happy Valentine's Day.

This might not be exactly what happened,

but it's sure how I remember it.

[Motorcycle engine revving]

- What?
- [Laughs]

[Cheers and applause]

I realized that night the
true definition of coolness...

not being afraid to be yourself.

Especially when yourself
is riding a motorcycle

inside an awesome Globe of Death.

♪♪

[Cheers and applause]

So, are we asking Joey
how he got his hands

on a "Globe of Death"?

I assume that belongs to the church.

You know, Vatican II,

trying to bring in the young people.

Let's go congratulate Evel Knievel.

Hang on a sec.
I think there might be more.

[Calypso music plays]

Oh, for cripe's sake.

WOMAN: Hello, amigo!

♪ I'm Chiquita Banana,
and I've come to say ♪

You did that?

Got your little jackass back.

♪ When they are flecked with brown ♪

♪ And have a golden hue ♪

♪ Bananas taste the best ♪

- ♪ And are the best for you... ♪
- Well, you've got to admire his nerve...

- Yeah.
- wiggling around up there like that.

Especially with that dicey stomach.

♪ Any way you want to eat them ♪

♪ It's impossible to beat them ♪

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com