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1
00:00:01,700 --> 00:00:05,860
The girl from last night.
We did it! You are pregnant.
2
00:00:05,922 --> 00:00:08,500
He was 16! Little bastard!
3
00:00:08,520 --> 00:00:12,120
Go on a date. Allow yourself
to be romantic.
4
00:00:14,720 --> 00:00:17,598
Have you got something
you need to say to me, Keith?
5
00:00:17,599 --> 00:00:19,360
I quit. Quit what? My job.
6
00:00:20,480 --> 00:00:22,478
Yeah, I thought you might
react that way.
7
00:00:22,479 --> 00:00:26,160
You said you wanted to be involved.
So, you're involved.
8
00:00:27,480 --> 00:00:28,640
It's a baby!
9
00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:42,359
Oh.
10
00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:45,240
She's either hungry
or she's had too much sleep.
11
00:00:45,241 --> 00:00:47,919
Huh, no. No-one's been sleeping.
12
00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:50,120
OK, er, maybe she needs winding?
13
00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:53,079
Or changing.
14
00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:55,799
Oh, how could she need
changing again?
15
00:00:55,800 --> 00:00:58,479
God, so much can
go wrong with a baby.
16
00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:00,278
Whatever you do,
don't press her head.
17
00:01:00,279 --> 00:01:02,198
I'm not going to press her head.
18
00:01:02,199 --> 00:01:04,718
Good, cos according to this,
it's basically a meringue.
19
00:01:04,719 --> 00:01:06,478
Oh well, thank you, Gina Ford!
20
00:01:06,479 --> 00:01:08,958
OK, Laura, the baby picks
up on a negative tone of voice
21
00:01:08,959 --> 00:01:11,038
and at the moment you're
being very negative.
22
00:01:11,039 --> 00:01:13,878
Oh, I'm sorry, am I not sounding
happy enough for you?
23
00:01:13,879 --> 00:01:17,558
Maybe it's because I've had someone
throwing up on me all night.
24
00:01:17,559 --> 00:01:19,840
All right, stop shouting.
You're upsetting her.
25
00:01:19,841 --> 00:01:21,720
Let me do it. Fine. Just...
26
00:01:23,640 --> 00:01:27,159
It's all right, there's
a good little... baby...
27
00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:29,998
We have to agree on a name,
we can't keep calling her "the baby."
28
00:01:29,999 --> 00:01:32,238
I know, but I'm too tired
to talk about it again.
29
00:01:32,239 --> 00:01:34,320
We have to pick one
before the christening.
30
00:01:34,321 --> 00:01:36,160
How about Michelle?
31
00:01:37,360 --> 00:01:38,960
We're not naming her after Mike.
32
00:01:38,961 --> 00:01:40,280
I promised I'd ask.
33
00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:44,198
Look, I have to go.
I can't be late for college again.
34
00:01:44,199 --> 00:01:46,758
Oh, I'm sorry. Is raising your child
getting in the way of you
35
00:01:46,759 --> 00:01:49,240
achieving your mediocre
A-level results?
36
00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:52,480
Aargh!
37
00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:56,560
Who left all the water here?
38
00:01:56,561 --> 00:01:57,719
It's pee.
39
00:01:57,720 --> 00:01:59,159
Urgh.
40
00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:00,800
Oh, here, take one of my tops.
41
00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:03,960
Oh, magic.
42
00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:06,760
You're welcome.
43
00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:16,598
Oh, seriously, Keith,
you have to start getting dressed.
44
00:02:16,599 --> 00:02:18,438
You'll never find work
looking like that.
45
00:02:18,439 --> 00:02:21,238
I've got no interviews today.
I may as well be comfy.
46
00:02:21,239 --> 00:02:23,478
That's not the point,
it's the attitude.
47
00:02:23,479 --> 00:02:25,600
That's not how successful
people dress.
48
00:02:25,601 --> 00:02:28,119
Cary Grant wore one. Frank Sinatra.
49
00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:30,438
They were successful before
their dressing gowns.
50
00:02:30,439 --> 00:02:32,558
And they did not spend all day
watching CBeebies.
51
00:02:32,559 --> 00:02:34,040
Sherlock Holmes. He wore one.
52
00:02:34,041 --> 00:02:35,159
Fiction.
53
00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:36,319
Hugh Hefner.
54
00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:38,638
Do I look like a Bunny Girl
to you, Keith?
55
00:02:38,639 --> 00:02:40,798
All right, I'll stick
on some trackie b's.
56
00:02:40,799 --> 00:02:43,800
Oh, trackie b's.
Shoot for the moon, why don't you?
57
00:02:43,801 --> 00:02:46,879
Oh, God. I'm doing my best,
all right?
58
00:02:46,880 --> 00:02:49,400
It'll happen when it happens.
59
00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:53,358
Well, it had better
bloody happen soon.
60
00:02:53,359 --> 00:02:55,598
This christening's
costing a fortune.
61
00:02:55,599 --> 00:02:58,720
Between the gifts and the reception
and having my sister to stay,
62
00:02:58,721 --> 00:03:00,199
it's cleaning me out.
63
00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:02,278
Why do we have to have
such a big do, anyway?
64
00:03:02,279 --> 00:03:03,838
Laura's lot won't want a fuss.
65
00:03:03,839 --> 00:03:06,678
Why should they get to dictate?
I bet they don't even go to church.
66
00:03:06,679 --> 00:03:08,038
When was the last time we went?
67
00:03:08,039 --> 00:03:11,318
The point is, these Anglicans,
they do it all wrong.
68
00:03:11,319 --> 00:03:14,520
The odd Homes and Gardens
Midnight Mass doesn't count.
69
00:03:14,521 --> 00:03:18,719
What is wrong with having
a small, quiet, inexpensive do?
70
00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:20,160
Then everyone's happy.
71
00:03:20,161 --> 00:03:23,080
Going to church
is not about being happy.
72
00:03:24,480 --> 00:03:25,920
Clearly not.
73
00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:32,480
Hey. All right, guys. All right.
74
00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:35,960
Wow, that's awesome,
where did you get that?
75
00:03:35,961 --> 00:03:37,279
It's Laura's.
76
00:03:37,280 --> 00:03:39,918
Oooh, sharing each others
clothes now, are ya?
77
00:03:39,919 --> 00:03:41,440
So, are you and Laura, you know...
78
00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:44,358
No! Why not?
Now the horse has bolted,
79
00:03:44,359 --> 00:03:46,238
might as well fool around
in the stable.
80
00:03:46,239 --> 00:03:48,758
It's not like that. We're not...
Say no more. I get it.
81
00:03:48,759 --> 00:03:51,640
A lot of women lose their sex drive
after having a baby cos of...
82
00:03:51,641 --> 00:03:53,119
It's frustrating.
83
00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:54,520
They're not together.
84
00:03:54,521 --> 00:03:56,239
Well, we're...
85
00:03:56,240 --> 00:03:57,640
Oh, so you are...
86
00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:01,160
What is that?
Are you pulling on a glove?
87
00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:08,039
Yes, Daddy, I can't wait to see you.
88
00:04:08,040 --> 00:04:10,960
Yes, well, once we've got this
bloody christening out of the way.
89
00:04:10,961 --> 00:04:12,320
Mum!
90
00:04:13,440 --> 00:04:16,120
All right, all right, all right.
Yes, see you tomorrow! Bye!
91
00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:19,398
Mum, are you going to be out long?
92
00:04:19,399 --> 00:04:21,758
It's just that I could really
do with your help today.
93
00:04:21,759 --> 00:04:24,198
I can't, it's your father's
neurologist appointment.
94
00:04:24,199 --> 00:04:27,038
She won't stop crying, Mum, I feel
like I'm doing everything wrong.
95
00:04:27,039 --> 00:04:29,478
Don't worry, darling,
you used to cry all the time.
96
00:04:29,479 --> 00:04:30,918
Just put her down and ignore it.
97
00:04:30,919 --> 00:04:32,998
It's just, I read somewhere
if you leave them,
98
00:04:32,999 --> 00:04:36,318
their brains don't develop properly
and they grow up to be over-anxious.
99
00:04:36,319 --> 00:04:37,918
Nonsense! I left you all the time.
100
00:04:37,919 --> 00:04:40,118
It never did you any harm.
Do you feel anxious?
101
00:04:40,119 --> 00:04:42,198
Well, I do feel a little bit
anxious.
102
00:04:42,199 --> 00:04:45,760
I'm not surprised with that baby
crying all the time.
103
00:04:45,761 --> 00:04:47,199
Alan!
104
00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:49,000
Alan, are you ready?
105
00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:54,840
I swear, his concentration is
getting so much worse.
106
00:04:54,841 --> 00:04:57,399
Bloody thing!
107
00:04:57,400 --> 00:05:00,238
And the clumsiness!
Don't let him hold her.
108
00:05:00,239 --> 00:05:03,598
You know, maybe with him like this
we should cancel the christening?
109
00:05:03,599 --> 00:05:06,720
No, I can't. I said we'll do it,
and it's important to Jamie.
110
00:05:06,721 --> 00:05:08,599
Why does he get to decide?
111
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:10,200
Because he's the father.
112
00:05:10,201 --> 00:05:11,999
Only biologically.
113
00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:14,398
He's part of my life now.
I have to consider what he wants.
114
00:05:14,399 --> 00:05:15,478
What about your father?
115
00:05:15,479 --> 00:05:18,278
Do you want to put him through
the stress of a big, public event?
116
00:05:18,279 --> 00:05:20,080
There's nothing wrong with me.
117
00:05:20,081 --> 00:05:22,840
Stop using me as an excuse,
I'm fine.
118
00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:25,600
Really?
119
00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:28,519
Yes. Really.
120
00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:30,640
Let me know
when you've worked it out.
121
00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:33,199
Ah!
122
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:34,440
Wallet!
123
00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:41,798
Anyway, I've been thinking about
my outfit for the christening.
124
00:05:41,799 --> 00:05:44,158
Oh, yeah? There's no way
I'm doing that.
125
00:05:44,159 --> 00:05:46,238
Why not? I don't know,
perhaps because
126
00:05:46,239 --> 00:05:48,958
the Catholic church
systematically abuses children
127
00:05:48,959 --> 00:05:52,280
and has a genocidal attitude
to condom use in sub-Saharan Africa.
128
00:05:52,281 --> 00:05:56,519
OK, Beth, we're not going to
abuse or genocide anyone.
129
00:05:56,520 --> 00:05:59,118
It's just religion.
It doesn't mean anything.
130
00:05:59,119 --> 00:06:01,358
Do you know what
being a godparent entails?
131
00:06:01,359 --> 00:06:02,758
Uh, yeah, I do, actually.
132
00:06:02,759 --> 00:06:04,958
You buy 'em ice creams
and then once a year,
133
00:06:04,959 --> 00:06:07,718
you just take 'em Alton Towers.
No, Nothing that intelligent.
134
00:06:07,719 --> 00:06:09,998
It's a load of nonsense
about walking with Christ,
135
00:06:09,999 --> 00:06:12,120
repenting your sins
and renouncing the devil.
136
00:06:12,121 --> 00:06:16,079
Oh, Beth, I think you're getting
a little bit confused!
137
00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:19,480
Well, in theory,
you are supposed to do that, yeah.
138
00:06:19,481 --> 00:06:22,639
What? What?
Why didn't you tell me that?
139
00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:25,718
Jamie, if I'm going to do this,
I want to do it properly.
140
00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:27,438
OK, well, technically, yes,
141
00:06:27,439 --> 00:06:30,760
you do have to renounce the devil
and all his works.
142
00:06:30,761 --> 00:06:32,959
OK, OK. Cool, I'm on it.
143
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:35,159
Consider him renounced.
144
00:06:35,160 --> 00:06:36,520
Thy will be done.
145
00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:43,920
Why is she looking at me like that?
146
00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:47,240
She looks at everyone like that.
147
00:06:47,241 --> 00:06:48,679
What is that smell?
148
00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:50,160
Oh, it's just dried milk.
149
00:06:50,161 --> 00:06:51,639
Urgh, your milk?
150
00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:55,080
No, the big Friesian
that I keep in the spare room.
151
00:06:55,081 --> 00:06:56,560
Urgh! OK, no.
152
00:06:57,920 --> 00:07:01,360
It's just really weird to think
about you, like, you know...
153
00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:06,079
I don't do them both at once.
154
00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:07,358
Oh, come on, take her.
155
00:07:07,359 --> 00:07:09,598
She needs to bond
with her godmother.
156
00:07:09,599 --> 00:07:12,318
Yeah, about that. Do you really
think I'm the girl for the job?
157
00:07:12,319 --> 00:07:14,918
Because I think of myself
more like, "Yay, fun auntie!"
158
00:07:14,919 --> 00:07:16,758
rather than, "Yawn, dull godmother."
159
00:07:16,759 --> 00:07:18,878
And plus there's a gig
on Saturday night.
160
00:07:18,879 --> 00:07:20,878
Oh, no, the Christening's on Sunday.
Yeah, I know,
161
00:07:20,879 --> 00:07:22,918
but I was planning on
getting really wasted
162
00:07:22,919 --> 00:07:25,718
and then I'll be hungover and...
Could you just not drink?
163
00:07:25,719 --> 00:07:27,918
No. Cos I'm, you know,
"Yay, fun auntie!"
164
00:07:27,919 --> 00:07:29,838
All his family
are going to be there.
165
00:07:29,839 --> 00:07:31,718
All my family are going to be there.
166
00:07:31,719 --> 00:07:34,120
I really need the moral support.
Please.
167
00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:37,039
All right, I won't go.
168
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:39,718
I think you're going to be
a really good godmother.
169
00:07:39,719 --> 00:07:43,438
Who better to offer her wisdom when
she hits all those big life crises?
170
00:07:43,439 --> 00:07:45,678
Ooh, like when she sleeps with
inappropriate men
171
00:07:45,679 --> 00:07:47,080
and can't talk to you about it.
172
00:07:47,081 --> 00:07:48,959
Not those crises, no.
173
00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:52,318
Or she gets busted for possession
and needs picking up from the police station!
174
00:07:52,319 --> 00:07:54,038
She's not going to be doing that.
175
00:07:54,039 --> 00:07:56,798
Or takes her first emergency
pregnancy test, just like Mummy!
176
00:07:56,799 --> 00:07:59,158
OK, you are not telling her
about any of that!
177
00:07:59,159 --> 00:08:01,600
Oh, Mummy's a bit of a hypocrite,
isn't she?
178
00:08:01,601 --> 00:08:04,720
Yes, she is!
Look at the big hypocrite!
179
00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:16,399
Mike?
180
00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:19,119
You do realise this is a library?
Yes.
181
00:08:19,120 --> 00:08:22,360
What the hell are you doing here?
I'm researching the enemy.
182
00:08:22,361 --> 00:08:24,759
The enemy? Yeah, you know...
183
00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:26,599
Satan.
184
00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:29,039
There's no such thing as Satan.
185
00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:32,480
That's what he wants you to believe,
Beth. He's everywhere.
186
00:08:35,440 --> 00:08:36,599
Right.
187
00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:39,359
Let's be crystal clear about this.
188
00:08:39,360 --> 00:08:42,479
There's no God, there's no devil,
189
00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:44,199
there's no Santa.
190
00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:46,479
You can't prove that.
191
00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:48,518
I can't prove there's not
an invisible unicorn
192
00:08:48,519 --> 00:08:50,558
welding a turd
to the roof of this building.
193
00:08:50,559 --> 00:08:51,958
It doesn't mean it's likely.
194
00:08:51,959 --> 00:08:54,240
All I knows is,
you can't be too careful.
195
00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:59,519
You have the mind of a child!
196
00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:00,959
I'm serious, Beth.
197
00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:02,278
Looking at all this stuff,
198
00:09:02,279 --> 00:09:04,518
renouncing the devil's
going to be pretty tough.
199
00:09:04,519 --> 00:09:06,440
I'm really susceptible to his works.
200
00:09:06,441 --> 00:09:08,879
Just look at this list!
201
00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:10,759
Greed, tick. Envy, tick.
202
00:09:10,760 --> 00:09:13,438
Lust, well, I get that
literally all the time.
203
00:09:13,439 --> 00:09:16,000
Even now I'm thinking about...
Don't tell me!
204
00:09:16,001 --> 00:09:18,799
OK. But it is a big tick.
205
00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:20,159
Rr... rath?
206
00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:21,479
Wrath.
207
00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:23,879
It says, "rath"
Illiteracy, tick.
208
00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:25,959
Sloth, or is it, "slath?"
209
00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:27,799
Sloth. Whatever.
210
00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:29,478
I'm on my way to a full set here.
211
00:09:29,479 --> 00:09:31,240
I'm going to need some help.
212
00:09:31,241 --> 00:09:35,959
No, no, no. There are much more
intelligent sources out there.
213
00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:38,999
Are you talking about... aliens?
214
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:42,519
No! I'm talking
secular rationalists.
215
00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:45,039
People who value science and reason.
216
00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:47,040
That's all you've got
to offer, is it?
217
00:09:47,041 --> 00:09:49,319
We are all going to die.
218
00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:53,120
And eventually, the entire universe
will fall silent and cold.
219
00:09:53,121 --> 00:09:55,280
You make it sound so appealing!
220
00:10:04,711 --> 00:10:05,750
There you are!
221
00:10:05,751 --> 00:10:07,551
Ah, hello!
222
00:10:10,191 --> 00:10:12,510
Hiya. And... Keith!
223
00:10:12,511 --> 00:10:13,950
Hi.
224
00:10:13,951 --> 00:10:16,150
Shouldn't you be out at work?
225
00:10:16,151 --> 00:10:18,150
I'm just having fun with you!
226
00:10:18,151 --> 00:10:20,670
Fun!
Get Mammy's bags, would you?
227
00:10:20,671 --> 00:10:21,991
I know you're not busy.
228
00:10:24,151 --> 00:10:25,830
All right, Conall. Hi.
229
00:10:25,831 --> 00:10:27,309
It must be so handy for you
230
00:10:27,310 --> 00:10:30,031
having him at home all the time
helping you out.
231
00:10:30,032 --> 00:10:32,551
Come on, Gran.
232
00:10:33,591 --> 00:10:35,710
Hello. Hi, Louise. Hi, Gabby.
233
00:10:35,711 --> 00:10:37,910
Come on in.
234
00:10:37,911 --> 00:10:40,351
Tim's just getting something
from the car.
235
00:10:45,711 --> 00:10:47,350
Hi. Hello.
236
00:10:47,351 --> 00:10:49,590
Well...
237
00:10:49,591 --> 00:10:52,310
are you... all right, Alan?
238
00:10:52,311 --> 00:10:55,870
Yes, I'm fine.
Why are you talking to me like that?
239
00:10:55,871 --> 00:10:59,469
Head injury. I want to make sure
that you can understand me.
240
00:10:59,470 --> 00:11:02,429
Of course I can.
I've had concussion, I'm not French.
241
00:11:02,430 --> 00:11:04,589
Gosh, places always seem
so much smaller
242
00:11:04,590 --> 00:11:06,511
than you remember, don't they?
243
00:11:06,512 --> 00:11:08,670
Daddy! Darling Daddy!
244
00:11:08,671 --> 00:11:10,710
Darling, hello!
245
00:11:10,711 --> 00:11:12,311
Come through, come through.
246
00:11:20,671 --> 00:11:23,549
So are you going to get on with
marrying this girl, Jamie?
247
00:11:23,550 --> 00:11:25,549
Don't think she'd want to marry me!
248
00:11:25,550 --> 00:11:28,509
What's wrong with her?
A nice-looking lad like you.
249
00:11:28,510 --> 00:11:30,349
God knows where you got it from.
250
00:11:30,350 --> 00:11:34,629
Doesn't it make you glad you've been
accepted into the seminary, Conall?
251
00:11:34,630 --> 00:11:37,231
And won't have to bother
with this sexual intrigue?
252
00:11:37,232 --> 00:11:38,910
Yes, I suppose.
253
00:11:38,911 --> 00:11:40,431
We always knew he'd end up there.
254
00:11:40,432 --> 00:11:42,590
Didn't we, Mammy?
255
00:11:42,591 --> 00:11:45,030
It was that or the building trade.
256
00:11:45,031 --> 00:11:47,151
I always had an interest
in that as well.
257
00:11:47,152 --> 00:11:52,070
Oh, nonsense! This boy is
a moral and spiritual rock.
258
00:11:52,071 --> 00:11:55,550
He's going to be
a wonderful godfather.
259
00:11:55,551 --> 00:11:58,590
Oh, but I've already asked Mike.
260
00:11:58,591 --> 00:12:01,309
Mike? Is that the fella
with the ram's hair?
261
00:12:01,310 --> 00:12:03,269
Oh, no, he's not appropriate at all.
262
00:12:03,270 --> 00:12:06,269
I'm not worried, Ma.
If Jamie's got someone lined up...
263
00:12:06,270 --> 00:12:09,471
Ignore him, that's just
his Christian charity talking.
264
00:12:09,472 --> 00:12:12,550
This MIKE... is he even Catholic?
265
00:12:12,551 --> 00:12:17,310
No, but he's really exploring
his faith at the moment.
266
00:12:17,311 --> 00:12:20,550
I don't care if he's exploring Mars!
267
00:12:20,551 --> 00:12:23,351
If he's not Catholic,
he can't be godfather!
268
00:12:25,431 --> 00:12:27,829
We're just not used to it
in this family,
269
00:12:27,830 --> 00:12:30,669
but it's not as if you're
the only one out there.
270
00:12:30,670 --> 00:12:33,589
I suppose there are lots of
single mothers these days.
271
00:12:33,590 --> 00:12:36,149
Women who've been abandoned
by their partners.
272
00:12:36,150 --> 00:12:37,549
I've not been abandoned.
273
00:12:37,550 --> 00:12:40,109
No, it's completely different.
Thank you, Gabby.
274
00:12:40,110 --> 00:12:42,711
Because you were never in
a relationship in the first place.
275
00:12:42,712 --> 00:12:46,431
I mean, you didn't even
know him... like, at all.
276
00:12:47,591 --> 00:12:50,150
Well, I think you're very brave.
277
00:12:50,151 --> 00:12:52,070
Thanks. Isn't she, Dad?
278
00:12:52,071 --> 00:12:55,030
Hmmm? Yes, and you
should just ignore
279
00:12:55,031 --> 00:12:57,430
what everyone's saying about you.
280
00:12:57,431 --> 00:12:58,949
What is everyone saying about me?
281
00:12:58,950 --> 00:13:01,431
I don't know, but they're
bound to be saying something.
282
00:13:02,711 --> 00:13:04,111
There's a lot of sluts out there.
283
00:13:05,471 --> 00:13:08,910
These girls,
they don't think about the babies.
284
00:13:08,911 --> 00:13:10,149
Well, I think she does...
285
00:13:10,150 --> 00:13:12,671
They don't think
about the other person.
286
00:13:12,672 --> 00:13:13,710
Well, she...
287
00:13:13,711 --> 00:13:15,949
All they ever
think about is the sex.
288
00:13:15,950 --> 00:13:18,311
Probably not all...
Oh, no, trust me!
289
00:13:18,312 --> 00:13:20,871
Sex, sex, sex!
290
00:13:22,031 --> 00:13:24,509
You definitely shouldn't
feel ashamed of her.
291
00:13:24,510 --> 00:13:25,789
I'm not ashamed of her.
292
00:13:25,790 --> 00:13:29,111
No, because there's a lot less
stigma nowadays about,
293
00:13:29,112 --> 00:13:31,750
you know, being a little B.
294
00:13:31,751 --> 00:13:32,911
What do you mean, little B?
295
00:13:32,912 --> 00:13:34,390
Bastard!
296
00:13:34,391 --> 00:13:37,271
It's not a nice word, is it?
297
00:13:38,511 --> 00:13:42,031
Well, I'm not saying it,
but people will.
298
00:13:43,831 --> 00:13:47,231
Well, I'd rather she were
a little B than a little C.
299
00:13:52,991 --> 00:13:55,990
Oh, no, you can't leave me with them!
300
00:13:55,991 --> 00:13:57,910
Yeah? Watch me!
301
00:13:57,911 --> 00:13:59,549
What am I meant to say to them?
302
00:13:59,550 --> 00:14:01,189
Say I've gone to a darts match,
303
00:14:01,190 --> 00:14:02,791
an AGM... ooh, both. See ya!
304
00:14:04,231 --> 00:14:06,791
Ah, Sandra, it's
never going to work.
305
00:14:06,792 --> 00:14:08,390
Now she's got the baby,
306
00:14:08,391 --> 00:14:11,229
she'll probably find some
rich fella to latch onto,
307
00:14:11,230 --> 00:14:13,351
and poor old Jamie
won't get a look in.
308
00:14:14,591 --> 00:14:18,030
Right, well, I thought
we should all go
309
00:14:18,031 --> 00:14:20,630
for some sort of celebratory meal,
310
00:14:20,631 --> 00:14:24,271
so I booked a table at
a little French place up the road.
311
00:14:24,272 --> 00:14:27,670
Oh, how nice! Thank you, Daddy.
312
00:14:27,671 --> 00:14:29,951
That's very thoughtful of you,
Arnold.
313
00:14:31,231 --> 00:14:36,550
Yes, only thing is, they're not
really very child friendly there.
314
00:14:36,551 --> 00:14:38,590
Well, who can blame them?
315
00:14:38,591 --> 00:14:42,709
I mean who wants to have a screaming
toddler ruining their evening?
316
00:14:42,710 --> 00:14:46,951
Quite. So I suppose someone should
stay here with the little one.
317
00:15:14,711 --> 00:15:16,149
What are you doing here?
318
00:15:16,150 --> 00:15:18,229
I realise I've not been
much use recently,
319
00:15:18,230 --> 00:15:20,391
but I really want to help out more.
320
00:15:20,392 --> 00:15:22,510
By turning up now, unannounced.
321
00:15:22,511 --> 00:15:24,710
Yes, because I bring with me
322
00:15:24,711 --> 00:15:27,270
the greatest gift of all.
323
00:15:27,271 --> 00:15:28,631
A sleeping bag?
324
00:15:29,751 --> 00:15:33,871
No. Eight hours
of uninterrupted sleep.
325
00:15:35,231 --> 00:15:36,350
Go on.
326
00:15:36,351 --> 00:15:39,189
Well, I thought
I could kip on your sofa,
327
00:15:39,190 --> 00:15:40,869
watch her through the night,
328
00:15:40,870 --> 00:15:42,751
while you get some proper rest.
329
00:15:45,351 --> 00:15:49,750
You know, Mum wants to call
the whole thing off. We can't!
330
00:15:49,751 --> 00:15:51,711
My lot would take that very badly.
331
00:15:51,712 --> 00:15:54,190
How badly? Irish Catholic badly.
332
00:15:54,191 --> 00:15:56,431
Well, I'm going to go to bed.
You know what to do?
333
00:15:56,432 --> 00:15:58,111
Yeah. I got it. OK.
334
00:15:59,311 --> 00:16:02,511
Good night.
335
00:16:04,311 --> 00:16:05,910
Jay... what?
336
00:16:05,911 --> 00:16:07,311
Nothing.
337
00:16:09,111 --> 00:16:11,390
Just... nothing.
338
00:16:11,391 --> 00:16:12,990
What about Charlotte?
339
00:16:12,991 --> 00:16:16,389
No! God, no! My mum HATES Charlotte.
She fell out with a Charlotte.
340
00:16:16,390 --> 00:16:19,951
Ah, well, if we're ruling out
people your mother's fallen out with
341
00:16:19,952 --> 00:16:24,270
we're going to be down to Xerxes
or Rumpel-fucking-stilskin.
342
00:16:24,271 --> 00:16:26,629
Don't swear in front of the baby!
Sorry.
343
00:16:26,630 --> 00:16:27,831
I don't care any more.
344
00:16:27,832 --> 00:16:32,670
OK, call her Mary
or St Theresa or Shamrock.
345
00:16:32,671 --> 00:16:35,311
Whatever will keep your family
quiet. I need to get some sleep.
346
00:16:35,312 --> 00:16:37,271
OK. And try not to drop her.
347
00:16:49,500 --> 00:16:52,098
I'm sorry, but I don't see
the connection between this
348
00:16:52,099 --> 00:16:53,898
and becoming a better godparent.
349
00:16:53,899 --> 00:16:55,618
It's religious studies, isn't it?
350
00:16:55,619 --> 00:16:57,418
You gave up reading the bible, then?
351
00:16:57,419 --> 00:17:00,058
Ah, yeah, the film's always
better than the book.
352
00:17:00,059 --> 00:17:03,218
I don't think Bride of Satan 4
has much to do with the bible.
353
00:17:03,219 --> 00:17:05,298
'Course it does.
It's got Satan in it,
354
00:17:05,299 --> 00:17:08,098
and he's, like, one of
the main characters.
355
00:17:08,099 --> 00:17:11,020
I mean, these are basically
his bible spin-off series.
356
00:17:13,460 --> 00:17:15,939
'Look not upon him, for he...'
357
00:17:15,940 --> 00:17:20,059
takes on pleasing forms...
358
00:17:20,060 --> 00:17:22,618
'..to seduce men
to their destruction.
359
00:17:22,619 --> 00:17:24,500
'The power of Christ compels you!'
360
00:17:24,501 --> 00:17:28,059
'The power of Christ compels you!'
361
00:17:28,060 --> 00:17:29,898
Right, I'm off. No, Beth, wait!
362
00:17:29,899 --> 00:17:32,098
'The power of Christ compels you!
363
00:17:32,099 --> 00:17:33,980
'The power of Christ compels you!
364
00:17:33,981 --> 00:17:38,979
'The power of Christ compels you!
365
00:17:38,980 --> 00:17:42,619
'The power of Christ compels you!
366
00:17:42,620 --> 00:17:45,460
'I will consume your very soul!'
367
00:17:47,540 --> 00:17:49,219
What are you doing here?
368
00:17:49,220 --> 00:17:51,138
I thought you might like
some company.
369
00:17:51,139 --> 00:17:53,258
It's not good to be alone.
I'm not alone.
370
00:17:53,259 --> 00:17:55,738
Well, you're not now.
I've bought the Xbox.
371
00:17:55,739 --> 00:17:57,018
No, Laura's asleep...
372
00:17:57,019 --> 00:17:58,940
It's OK, I brought headphones.
373
00:17:58,941 --> 00:18:00,300
Problem solved.
374
00:18:11,460 --> 00:18:14,939
Yes, have some of that,
you big metal bell-end!
375
00:18:14,940 --> 00:18:18,699
Mike! Can you not swear
in front of the baby, please?
376
00:18:18,700 --> 00:18:21,658
Well, she won't be offended.
She's, like, three minutes old.
377
00:18:21,659 --> 00:18:24,298
It still goes in, and I don't want
her first words to be,
378
00:18:24,299 --> 00:18:25,620
"big metal bell-end."
379
00:18:26,660 --> 00:18:27,940
All right, sorry.
380
00:18:33,420 --> 00:18:36,138
I need to talk to you about
this godfather thing too.
381
00:18:36,139 --> 00:18:37,580
Yeah, it's pretty full on.
382
00:18:40,220 --> 00:18:43,899
Yeah, well,
if you feel you can't do it...
383
00:18:43,900 --> 00:18:46,779
Oh, no, no, no.
I can definitely do it.
384
00:18:46,780 --> 00:18:48,100
OK.
385
00:18:50,700 --> 00:18:53,179
But if you did want to drop out,
386
00:18:53,180 --> 00:18:55,779
my cousin Conall's
offering to do it.
387
00:18:55,780 --> 00:18:58,580
What? No way!
388
00:19:00,060 --> 00:19:01,500
My lot sort of want Conall.
389
00:19:03,900 --> 00:19:05,818
Are you saying that I can't do it?
390
00:19:05,819 --> 00:19:08,098
No, you can still
definitely be there.
391
00:19:08,099 --> 00:19:10,660
Just as a witness
instead of a godfather.
392
00:19:10,661 --> 00:19:13,219
A witness? Like a bystander?
393
00:19:13,220 --> 00:19:14,658
Witnesses are important.
394
00:19:14,659 --> 00:19:16,978
Then why do they never
make the headlines?
395
00:19:16,979 --> 00:19:18,938
If I'm going to your christening,
396
00:19:18,939 --> 00:19:22,338
I want to be the murderer,
or at the very least, the victim.
397
00:19:22,339 --> 00:19:24,738
You know what I mean.
Look, my family are set on it,
398
00:19:24,739 --> 00:19:26,298
and Conall's a trainee priest.
399
00:19:26,299 --> 00:19:28,660
So, what? Are you saying
he's a better man than me?
400
00:19:28,661 --> 00:19:31,219
No, no, no! Good.
401
00:19:31,220 --> 00:19:33,179
But you're not Catholic...
402
00:19:33,180 --> 00:19:34,899
Oh, God.
403
00:19:34,900 --> 00:19:36,218
Don't panic, I'm on it.
404
00:19:36,219 --> 00:19:37,540
The godfather is here.
405
00:19:43,860 --> 00:19:46,979
OK, so skin-on-skin contact
is important.
406
00:19:46,980 --> 00:19:49,699
Yep. Hold her cross your body.
407
00:19:49,700 --> 00:19:51,419
Yeah. You are.
408
00:19:51,420 --> 00:19:54,738
Well-supported, gently raised,
able to make eye contact.
409
00:19:54,739 --> 00:19:56,578
Angle her this way, little bit more.
410
00:19:56,579 --> 00:19:59,058
Look, eye contact with me,
not with you!
411
00:19:59,059 --> 00:20:01,060
Ah, yes, no, that makes more sense.
412
00:20:03,540 --> 00:20:05,578
Hey, what's this actually
taste like?
413
00:20:05,579 --> 00:20:08,578
I have no idea.
We could just try a little bit.
414
00:20:08,579 --> 00:20:10,740
No, no! Just tell me what to do!
415
00:20:12,620 --> 00:20:16,460
OK, um, tilt the bottle
and she should start to...
416
00:20:17,980 --> 00:20:19,019
Oh.
417
00:20:19,020 --> 00:20:23,260
There we go, there we go.
418
00:20:37,555 --> 00:20:44,034
Mike? Mike, wake up.
Oh, God, what's the time?
419
00:20:44,035 --> 00:20:47,555
I dunno. Never slept
so well in my life.
420
00:20:50,555 --> 00:20:53,674
Oh, God, where the hell is she?
421
00:20:53,675 --> 00:20:56,275
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Mike, get up!
422
00:21:00,555 --> 00:21:02,875
She's probably just gone for a walk.
423
00:21:02,876 --> 00:21:05,154
Mike, help me look.
424
00:21:05,155 --> 00:21:06,835
Laura, we're back. >
425
00:21:12,795 --> 00:21:13,835
Mike.
426
00:21:17,555 --> 00:21:22,434
Hello!
We were just...
427
00:21:22,435 --> 00:21:25,434
This is Mike.
428
00:21:25,435 --> 00:21:28,435
We were babysitting. Umm...
429
00:21:32,075 --> 00:21:36,994
There she is! How did you sleep?
430
00:21:36,995 --> 00:21:40,035
Was it all right? No, not really.
There's a baby crying.
431
00:21:40,036 --> 00:21:42,194
Could you not hear it?
432
00:21:42,195 --> 00:21:44,674
I didn't. No. You didn't? Not much.
433
00:21:44,675 --> 00:21:47,275
I think it's time you went home. OK.
434
00:21:51,475 --> 00:21:53,594
Ooh, windy pops, innit?
435
00:21:53,595 --> 00:21:56,915
Can you just give my back
a little rub, mate? No.
436
00:21:56,916 --> 00:21:59,195
Just... repeats.
437
00:22:03,635 --> 00:22:07,154
'The delicate
grace of the columns and arches
438
00:22:07,155 --> 00:22:09,635
'with the richness of
their decoration...'
439
00:22:09,636 --> 00:22:14,514
Oh, God! Jamie,
I thought it was my ma.
440
00:22:14,515 --> 00:22:20,994
Don't tell her about these. She
thinks modern buildings are stupid.
441
00:22:20,995 --> 00:22:23,675
She's no appreciation
for the materials.
442
00:22:23,676 --> 00:22:25,954
Right. I won't mention it.
443
00:22:25,955 --> 00:22:27,035
Great. Thanks.
444
00:22:28,275 --> 00:22:31,035
So, it looks like we're
top-to-toeing it tonight.
445
00:22:33,195 --> 00:22:36,115
I warn you,
I do get awful hot in bed.
446
00:22:38,035 --> 00:22:40,834
OK. Good to know.
447
00:22:40,835 --> 00:22:43,754
And... Ma says I'm a screamer, too.
448
00:22:43,755 --> 00:22:45,234
What does that mean?
449
00:22:45,235 --> 00:22:47,115
I don't know. I'm always asleep.
450
00:22:49,195 --> 00:22:51,115
I'll just take the floor.
451
00:22:53,115 --> 00:22:55,954
You seem a bit down there, Jamie?
452
00:22:55,955 --> 00:23:00,154
I think I might have just screwed
things up with Laura.
453
00:23:00,155 --> 00:23:01,875
I can tell you like this girl.
454
00:23:01,876 --> 00:23:03,474
I do.
455
00:23:03,475 --> 00:23:06,473
I'm just terrified
that she's going to move on
456
00:23:06,474 --> 00:23:08,433
and there's nothing I can do.
457
00:23:08,434 --> 00:23:12,953
You must remember, a child is a very
strong bond between two people.
458
00:23:12,954 --> 00:23:16,475
It'll take an awful lot
of screwing up to undo that.
459
00:23:16,476 --> 00:23:17,834
Yeah, I suppose.
460
00:23:17,835 --> 00:23:21,395
Now, come on, it'll all look better
after a decent night's sleep.
461
00:23:25,115 --> 00:23:27,675
You're going to make a good priest,
Conall.
462
00:23:27,676 --> 00:23:31,234
Well, I've made my peace with it.
Pretty sure.
463
00:23:31,235 --> 00:23:33,075
Good for you.
464
00:23:34,355 --> 00:23:37,355
All right, good night.
Yeah, night.
465
00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:04,479
Darts AGM, my backside.
You were out drinking.
466
00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:06,359
I went for A drink.
467
00:24:06,360 --> 00:24:08,478
So you're out pissing
money away on booze
468
00:24:08,479 --> 00:24:10,678
and I have to cover this whole
christening on my own.
469
00:24:10,679 --> 00:24:13,360
Well, maybe Jamie can pay more
towards it. It's his fault.
470
00:24:13,361 --> 00:24:14,999
Uh, what did I do?
471
00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:18,040
Sorry, do you not remember?
About nine months ago...
472
00:24:18,041 --> 00:24:20,159
Oh, yeah, that.
473
00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:21,998
Well, I haven't got any spare money
474
00:24:21,999 --> 00:24:24,318
and I'm doing all
the shifts that I can.
475
00:24:24,319 --> 00:24:27,200
Ah, look at him,
he's exhausted, the poor love.
476
00:24:27,201 --> 00:24:29,119
Did you see that, Keith?
477
00:24:29,120 --> 00:24:32,239
That's what a working man
looks like.
478
00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:34,998
Ooh, maybe you could get
a job for your dad, Jamie?
479
00:24:34,999 --> 00:24:36,278
Uh, no, I couldn't.
480
00:24:36,279 --> 00:24:39,318
Yeah, I think that might be
a bit of a step back career-wise.
481
00:24:39,319 --> 00:24:41,800
A step back from what?
Lying in bed all day long?
482
00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:45,439
No, I'm having fun with you.
483
00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:48,320
But you're always saying that
they're looking for people, Jamie.
484
00:24:48,321 --> 00:24:50,359
Yeah, people. Not Dad.
485
00:24:50,360 --> 00:24:53,759
I think that's a great idea.
Thanks, Evelyn.
486
00:24:53,760 --> 00:24:55,040
Yeah, thanks, Evelyn!
487
00:24:56,280 --> 00:24:57,919
I'm here to help.
488
00:24:57,920 --> 00:24:59,520
Yeah. Cheers!
489
00:25:01,360 --> 00:25:03,718
Mum? Could you put these on to wash?
490
00:25:03,719 --> 00:25:05,958
Mmm, go ahead, darling,
help yourself.
491
00:25:05,959 --> 00:25:08,038
Oh, no, Mum, please,
I really need your help.
492
00:25:08,039 --> 00:25:10,038
I'm having such a nightmare
with this baptism
493
00:25:10,039 --> 00:25:12,758
and the baptism class and Jamie's
booked some god-awful meal.
494
00:25:12,759 --> 00:25:14,238
You can always just back out.
495
00:25:14,239 --> 00:25:16,598
People will understand
if you can't face it.
496
00:25:16,599 --> 00:25:19,198
No, I can face it, Mum,
it's you that can't face it.
497
00:25:19,199 --> 00:25:20,560
You're ashamed of her.
498
00:25:20,561 --> 00:25:24,119
I'm not ashamed of her.
I'm a bit ashamed of you.
499
00:25:24,120 --> 00:25:26,039
Oh! Nice
500
00:25:26,040 --> 00:25:28,238
What would you expect
your mother to say?
501
00:25:28,239 --> 00:25:31,358
She's proud you got drunk
and had sex with the paper boy?
502
00:25:31,359 --> 00:25:36,000
Yes. The main thing is that I'm
considerably less ashamed of you now
503
00:25:36,001 --> 00:25:38,199
than I was, so that's progress.
504
00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:40,198
Mum.
You never spend any time with her.
505
00:25:40,199 --> 00:25:42,918
That's because she's always poohing
and screaming.
506
00:25:42,919 --> 00:25:46,280
I've been through it all with you,
it doesn't mean I don't love her.
507
00:25:57,680 --> 00:26:00,520
All right, Janet,
I can't not say something.
508
00:26:00,521 --> 00:26:02,719
What the hell is that?
509
00:26:02,720 --> 00:26:05,799
Well it's a... little cardigan.
510
00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:07,840
No, it's a bloody disaster. Daddy!
511
00:26:07,841 --> 00:26:10,599
What is happening with this family?
512
00:26:10,600 --> 00:26:12,359
Your husband's a cripple,
513
00:26:12,360 --> 00:26:15,078
your daughter's hitched up
with some no-hoper
514
00:26:15,079 --> 00:26:17,800
and as for that pervert friend of
his, well...
515
00:26:17,801 --> 00:26:20,439
It's not like I want any of this.
516
00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:22,399
Take back some control.
517
00:26:22,400 --> 00:26:24,640
It's difficult
when you're running a family home.
518
00:26:24,641 --> 00:26:28,759
Well, this isn't a family home,
it's a failed state.
519
00:26:28,760 --> 00:26:29,920
Get a grip.
520
00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:36,919
Yes, hello.
521
00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:39,279
Janet, hi, it's Steven.
522
00:26:39,280 --> 00:26:42,760
Just thought I'd check to see how
things are with Alan.
523
00:26:42,761 --> 00:26:46,799
Well, he's not 100%
but we're getting there.
524
00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:48,960
Who is it? 'Good, great to hear.'
Steven Pickering.
525
00:26:48,961 --> 00:26:52,599
'Look, I've emailed some files
and wonder if'
526
00:26:52,600 --> 00:26:54,918
Alan could just cast
an eye over them.
527
00:26:54,919 --> 00:26:58,080
I'm not sure he's quite
up for that yet. Alan!
528
00:26:58,081 --> 00:27:00,959
Hi, Steven, hi, it's Alan here.
529
00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:03,718
Ah, Alan, how are you?
Oh, I'm fine, I'm fine.
530
00:27:03,719 --> 00:27:06,078
I mean, the doctors are saying
six to eight weeks
531
00:27:06,079 --> 00:27:07,198
for this kind of thing
532
00:27:07,199 --> 00:27:09,558
but I'm feeling fine.
Completely unaffected.
533
00:27:09,559 --> 00:27:13,120
Great, because I'd love your input
on the Bleasdale contracts.
534
00:27:13,121 --> 00:27:14,919
Oh, absolutely.
535
00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:16,998
Well, I've sent the files across.
536
00:27:16,999 --> 00:27:19,040
Let me just get my laptop. Hang on.
537
00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:24,239
Why are you even at home?
538
00:27:24,240 --> 00:27:27,358
You were always the superior lawyer.
It's such a waste.
539
00:27:27,359 --> 00:27:29,638
I've just been
out of practice for so long.
540
00:27:29,639 --> 00:27:30,878
That doesn't matter.
541
00:27:30,879 --> 00:27:34,038
This family needs someone to put
it back on track.
542
00:27:34,039 --> 00:27:35,399
And it won't be him.
543
00:27:35,400 --> 00:27:37,040
Alan's a capable lawyer.
544
00:27:41,400 --> 00:27:43,360
He's just...
545
00:27:49,960 --> 00:27:54,199
Hello? Hi. Who's this? It's Steven.
546
00:27:54,200 --> 00:27:56,039
Steven? Steven Pickering.
547
00:27:56,040 --> 00:27:58,439
Oh, hi, Steven, how are you?
548
00:27:58,440 --> 00:27:59,919
'Er, I'm fine.'
549
00:27:59,920 --> 00:28:01,519
Are you OK?
550
00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:03,759
Yes, yes, I'm fine.
551
00:28:03,760 --> 00:28:06,960
The doctors are saying six to eight
weeks for this kind of thing
552
00:28:06,961 --> 00:28:11,199
but, honestly, I feel fine.
Completely unaffected.
553
00:28:11,200 --> 00:28:13,199
'Right.'
554
00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:14,999
Good.
555
00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:16,600
What can I do for you?
556
00:28:55,222 --> 00:28:59,261
Hi. Are you new here too?
557
00:28:59,262 --> 00:29:02,341
Yeah, I'm Jessica. Um, J-Jess.
558
00:29:02,342 --> 00:29:04,861
I'm Mike, M-Mike.
559
00:29:04,862 --> 00:29:06,302
So what are you here for?
560
00:29:06,303 --> 00:29:10,661
Um... I suppose I'm just trying to
be a better person.
561
00:29:10,662 --> 00:29:11,821
You?
562
00:29:11,822 --> 00:29:13,022
No, God, me too.
563
00:29:14,102 --> 00:29:16,261
What, you're not a good person?
564
00:29:16,262 --> 00:29:18,821
No, I'm bad.
565
00:29:18,822 --> 00:29:21,221
You don't look bad.
566
00:29:21,222 --> 00:29:23,340
I am. I mean,
I'm always out drinking.
567
00:29:23,341 --> 00:29:25,100
Well, everyone likes a drink.
568
00:29:25,101 --> 00:29:27,302
And I smoke a lot.
You can get patches for that.
569
00:29:27,303 --> 00:29:30,542
I have sex with people
I've only just met.
570
00:29:35,382 --> 00:29:40,221
Right. That's... terrible?
571
00:29:40,222 --> 00:29:44,301
Yeah, I sleep with pretty much
anyone. And I mean anyone.
572
00:29:44,302 --> 00:29:45,661
Really?
573
00:29:45,662 --> 00:29:48,622
Yeah, although all the men
here are quite unattractive so,
574
00:29:48,623 --> 00:29:50,981
that's got to help, right?
575
00:29:50,982 --> 00:29:55,181
Yeah. Yeah, no,
that's definitely a good thing.
576
00:29:55,182 --> 00:29:57,461
OK, let's kick off, shall we?
577
00:29:57,462 --> 00:29:59,341
They're getting started.
578
00:29:59,342 --> 00:30:01,102
We should probably sit together.
579
00:30:11,782 --> 00:30:13,302
You haven't seen my laptop?
580
00:30:13,303 --> 00:30:15,782
Um, no.
581
00:30:18,902 --> 00:30:20,902
I'm sure I left it down here.
582
00:30:22,022 --> 00:30:27,861
So, Alan, I'm just going out
to buy some wine.
583
00:30:27,862 --> 00:30:30,262
Wondered if you'd like to come.
No, thanks.
584
00:30:31,582 --> 00:30:36,421
But... I'd really
appreciate your help.
585
00:30:36,422 --> 00:30:38,622
It'd be like a boys' trip out.
586
00:30:45,382 --> 00:30:49,182
It'll be... fun.
587
00:30:50,342 --> 00:30:51,382
OK.
588
00:31:04,000 --> 00:31:05,759
Do you want me to push?
589
00:31:05,760 --> 00:31:10,839
No! I've had just about enough
of this christening stuff.
590
00:31:10,840 --> 00:31:13,280
With my family
and the naff christening meals
591
00:31:13,281 --> 00:31:15,399
and all this church crap.
592
00:31:15,400 --> 00:31:18,798
I've actually booked us
somewhere really nice for the meal.
593
00:31:18,799 --> 00:31:21,998
And this'll be fun,
it'll be like a little Baptism 101.
594
00:31:21,999 --> 00:31:23,480
Oh, sounds like a bloody riot.
595
00:31:23,481 --> 00:31:26,919
It'll be cool.
Father Thomas is very relaxed.
596
00:31:26,920 --> 00:31:29,519
But try not to swear too much.
597
00:31:29,520 --> 00:31:30,920
I'll do my fucking best.
598
00:31:32,240 --> 00:31:34,320
OK,
so I've had some more name ideas.
599
00:31:34,321 --> 00:31:39,679
I'm just going to run these through -
Amber, Jody, Ruby?
600
00:31:39,680 --> 00:31:41,679
No, no and no.
601
00:31:41,680 --> 00:31:45,200
Those are the names you give to
strippers, Jamie, not children.
602
00:31:45,201 --> 00:31:47,479
Oh, she's been sick again.
603
00:31:47,480 --> 00:31:51,200
Well, maybe Father Thomas can
exorcise her whilst we're in there.
604
00:32:07,388 --> 00:32:08,626
Hello, Father Thomas.
605
00:32:08,627 --> 00:32:11,906
Nice to see you again, Jamie.
And you must be Laura.
606
00:32:11,907 --> 00:32:13,466
Hi, yes, I'm sorry we're late.
607
00:32:13,467 --> 00:32:15,146
Oh, that's fine, that's fine.
608
00:32:15,147 --> 00:32:18,268
I was just chatting with our other
new parents, Amy and Richard
609
00:32:18,269 --> 00:32:19,427
and baby Luke.
610
00:32:19,428 --> 00:32:20,587
Hi. Hi.
611
00:32:20,588 --> 00:32:24,827
Aren't you a little cutie?
Oh, he's perfect, well almost.
612
00:32:24,828 --> 00:32:26,626
We just want to get him baptised
613
00:32:26,627 --> 00:32:28,948
as soon as possible to
wash away the sin.
614
00:32:32,788 --> 00:32:36,187
Sorry, God, sorry.
615
00:32:36,188 --> 00:32:39,468
Well, I think it's the symbolism
that's important.
616
00:32:39,469 --> 00:32:43,307
It's a rebirth,
being born afresh into the world.
617
00:32:43,308 --> 00:32:44,428
Can I help?
618
00:32:46,148 --> 00:32:50,027
And into the broader church
community to which
619
00:32:50,028 --> 00:32:54,147
she can turn for support
and companionship.
620
00:32:54,148 --> 00:32:56,708
That's actually a really nice
way of looking at it.
621
00:32:56,709 --> 00:32:58,308
It's how Amy and I met.
622
00:33:01,988 --> 00:33:03,908
How did you two get together, then?
623
00:33:06,628 --> 00:33:09,268
We're not together. Oh. Right.
624
00:33:14,388 --> 00:33:18,107
Do you want to go back to Mummy?
Yes, I think you do.
625
00:33:18,108 --> 00:33:22,226
So, as I say, it's really more about
becoming part of that community.
626
00:33:22,227 --> 00:33:25,186
And to make sure
they don't go to hell if they die.
627
00:33:25,187 --> 00:33:26,348
She's not going to die.
628
00:33:26,349 --> 00:33:31,787
Oh, goodness, no, but if she did
and she wasn't baptised,
629
00:33:31,788 --> 00:33:33,066
she will go to hell.
630
00:33:33,067 --> 00:33:35,946
Well, lets not get
ahead of ourselves here, Amy.
631
00:33:35,947 --> 00:33:38,028
I thought it was limbo, anyway.
632
00:33:38,029 --> 00:33:42,947
Limbo is hell,
it's a part of hell. Isn't it?
633
00:33:42,948 --> 00:33:45,147
Well, it's the edge of hell.
634
00:33:45,148 --> 00:33:48,026
I think there's a theological
debate to be had here
635
00:33:48,027 --> 00:33:50,146
but now's maybe not
the time or the place.
636
00:33:50,147 --> 00:33:51,466
She'll probably still be able to
637
00:33:51,467 --> 00:33:53,946
hear the screams of the wicked
from there, wouldn't you say?
638
00:33:53,947 --> 00:33:55,786
Let's not get too hung up
on the screaming.
639
00:33:55,787 --> 00:33:57,146
She's not going to hell.
640
00:33:57,147 --> 00:34:00,946
I'm just saying, logically,
they'd be making a lot of noise.
641
00:34:00,947 --> 00:34:03,628
What with the burning
and the suffering.
642
00:34:03,629 --> 00:34:07,907
OK, the nature of the afterlife
is a great mystery
643
00:34:07,908 --> 00:34:11,147
but I believe God is merciful.
644
00:34:11,148 --> 00:34:16,547
Yes. Yeah. Nobody's going to hell.
645
00:34:16,548 --> 00:34:18,188
As long as they're baptised.
646
00:34:22,868 --> 00:34:27,307
So it goes Maternity, Toddlers,
Four to Eights, Nine to Twelves,
647
00:34:27,308 --> 00:34:30,788
Scooters and Bikes,
Tills, Bogs, Exits.
648
00:34:31,868 --> 00:34:33,667
Got it? Good.
649
00:34:33,668 --> 00:34:35,108
Now get to work.
650
00:34:41,188 --> 00:34:46,267
What a shower of shit.
Look at that cretin.
651
00:34:46,268 --> 00:34:50,508
What, Keith?
I don't know. He's full of energy.
652
00:34:52,828 --> 00:34:56,266
I could show him the ropes,
make sure he settles in.
653
00:34:56,267 --> 00:34:58,506
If you want to take him on,
on your head be it.
654
00:34:58,507 --> 00:35:01,388
Can the Store Manager come
to the first aid station?
655
00:35:01,389 --> 00:35:04,908
God, that sounds expensive.
656
00:35:07,468 --> 00:35:09,026
Hey, Dad, how you getting on?
657
00:35:09,027 --> 00:35:10,946
Don't call me that
in front of everyone.
658
00:35:10,947 --> 00:35:13,626
It's humiliating enough being here.
Blame Mum, not me.
659
00:35:13,627 --> 00:35:17,108
And I shouldn't be on the bottom
rung with you and bloody Dean.
660
00:35:20,628 --> 00:35:24,827
Right, Jamie, Einstein here has
dislocated his finger
661
00:35:24,828 --> 00:35:27,707
in a defective Peppa Pig.
Don't ask.
662
00:35:27,708 --> 00:35:31,546
So, battlefield promotion - you're
in charge until I get back from A&E.
663
00:35:31,547 --> 00:35:32,746
I'm not sure I can.
664
00:35:32,747 --> 00:35:35,908
I'll up you to ?7 an hour,
effective immediately. Done.
665
00:35:35,909 --> 00:35:37,188
Here you go, boss.
666
00:35:39,428 --> 00:35:41,268
I'm the boss!
667
00:35:46,188 --> 00:35:48,668
Can we have some coffees, Serena?
No sugar.
668
00:35:51,468 --> 00:35:54,266
Well, this is a very pleasant
surprise, Janet,
669
00:35:54,267 --> 00:35:55,348
what can I do for you?
670
00:35:55,349 --> 00:35:58,187
Well, it's more
what can I do for you?
671
00:35:58,188 --> 00:36:01,266
I know that Alan feels terrible
about letting you down,
672
00:36:01,267 --> 00:36:04,388
particularly when you're mid-crisis
with this contract.
673
00:36:04,389 --> 00:36:07,427
No, no,
Alan's recovery must come first.
674
00:36:07,428 --> 00:36:09,827
It is rather a sensitive situation.
675
00:36:09,828 --> 00:36:14,707
One doesn't like to bandy around
terms like mental incompetence.
676
00:36:14,708 --> 00:36:16,707
No, no, course not.
677
00:36:16,708 --> 00:36:19,986
I hope you don't mind but sometimes
I just can't help myself
678
00:36:19,987 --> 00:36:21,868
casting an eye over Alan's inbox,
679
00:36:21,869 --> 00:36:26,748
just to keep my hand in and I did
think there might be something here.
680
00:36:33,068 --> 00:36:37,547
Just there, on page eight,
I've highlighted. There.
681
00:36:37,548 --> 00:36:38,588
Right.
682
00:36:41,588 --> 00:36:43,547
And so this means that...
683
00:36:43,548 --> 00:36:46,906
The structure of their company
meant they were in de facto breach
684
00:36:46,907 --> 00:36:50,628
of contract prior to signature.
Their claim is unenforceable.
685
00:36:52,548 --> 00:36:54,788
This is extraordinarily helpful.
686
00:36:57,428 --> 00:37:01,107
You know, until Alan's
back to himself
687
00:37:01,108 --> 00:37:06,228
there is something of a void here
that needs filling.
688
00:37:07,748 --> 00:37:09,987
You don't mean...?
689
00:37:09,988 --> 00:37:13,587
Of course, it's a very
sensitive situation.
690
00:37:13,588 --> 00:37:17,988
Of course. Alan's wellbeing
is my main concern.
691
00:37:22,028 --> 00:37:23,707
Daddy, I got the job.
692
00:37:23,708 --> 00:37:26,428
Oh, well done, darling!
693
00:37:28,348 --> 00:37:31,508
Just in the nick of time,
by the look of things.
694
00:37:35,388 --> 00:37:38,147
Hey. Here you go,
I'm taking a break.
695
00:37:38,148 --> 00:37:39,626
No, no, no, you can't take one yet,
696
00:37:39,627 --> 00:37:41,906
there's another pallet of those
that needs sorting.
697
00:37:41,907 --> 00:37:44,026
Well, that's not acceptable.
What do you mean?
698
00:37:44,027 --> 00:37:45,506
You can't refuse me my break.
699
00:37:45,507 --> 00:37:47,706
I'm not refusing it,
I'm just saying take it later.
700
00:37:47,707 --> 00:37:49,786
I don't want to take it later.
It's not my problem.
701
00:37:49,787 --> 00:37:52,106
Well, actually it is
because you're the boss,
702
00:37:52,107 --> 00:37:54,468
so I expect you to
address my grievances.
703
00:37:54,469 --> 00:37:55,947
Grievances?
704
00:37:55,948 --> 00:37:59,746
Yes, being prevented from taking
breaks, poor pay levels,
705
00:37:59,747 --> 00:38:02,786
insanitary working conditions -
the toilets are filthy.
706
00:38:02,787 --> 00:38:04,988
You're on the cleaning rota
for those.
707
00:38:06,348 --> 00:38:10,306
Well, being given inappropriate
tasks outside my skill base,
708
00:38:10,307 --> 00:38:11,426
there's another thing.
709
00:38:11,427 --> 00:38:13,626
Eh, I tell you what, son,
right, it's not just me,
710
00:38:13,627 --> 00:38:15,868
it's the whole workforce
that's not happy.
711
00:38:15,869 --> 00:38:18,627
Isn't that right, Dean?
712
00:38:18,628 --> 00:38:20,506
He can't even speak,
he's that angry.
713
00:38:20,507 --> 00:38:22,546
Oh, come on, it's hardly a salt mine.
714
00:38:22,547 --> 00:38:24,946
You should count yourself lucky
you've got a job at all
715
00:38:24,947 --> 00:38:26,186
in this economic climate.
716
00:38:26,187 --> 00:38:28,906
Economic climate? My God,
it didn't take you long, did it?
717
00:38:28,907 --> 00:38:30,946
What didn't?
You get a little bit of power,
718
00:38:30,947 --> 00:38:33,628
right, and then you become
an oppressor of the working man.
719
00:38:33,629 --> 00:38:37,348
What working man?
All I can see is a complaining man.
720
00:38:39,468 --> 00:38:40,508
Right.
721
00:38:56,628 --> 00:38:58,108
Mike.
722
00:39:02,868 --> 00:39:04,388
Excuse me.
723
00:39:07,708 --> 00:39:09,147
Are you all right?
724
00:39:09,148 --> 00:39:14,267
Mike, I'm not sure I'm cut out
for this. I'm feeling weak.
725
00:39:14,268 --> 00:39:15,308
Oh.
726
00:39:17,748 --> 00:39:21,908
Mike, there's something about you.
I know, but we can't just...
727
00:39:23,028 --> 00:39:25,788
Technically, we could
because the door is locked.
728
00:39:25,789 --> 00:39:27,547
Yeah.
729
00:39:27,548 --> 00:39:28,828
Hey, Jess, slow down.
730
00:39:31,708 --> 00:39:35,068
OK, I tried,
I guess this is happening.
731
00:39:36,228 --> 00:39:37,748
Oh, that's happening too.
732
00:39:40,388 --> 00:39:42,428
Phwoar. That is good.
733
00:39:49,068 --> 00:39:50,348
What?
734
00:39:51,948 --> 00:39:53,348
What do you want me to do?
735
00:39:57,628 --> 00:40:00,947
All right, fine. Sorry?
736
00:40:00,948 --> 00:40:03,667
Stop, please, you have to stop? Why?
737
00:40:03,668 --> 00:40:07,067
Because the power of Christ
compels you.
738
00:40:07,068 --> 00:40:08,507
The what?
739
00:40:08,508 --> 00:40:11,026
I'm just saying we need to
think about our actions here.
740
00:40:11,027 --> 00:40:13,828
What's there to think about?
Is this really what you want?
741
00:40:13,829 --> 00:40:16,347
Absolutely. Stop!
742
00:40:16,348 --> 00:40:18,387
God! How are you so strong?
743
00:40:18,388 --> 00:40:20,827
I have absolutely no idea.
744
00:40:20,828 --> 00:40:24,547
You're right,
you're amazing, Mike. I know.
745
00:40:24,548 --> 00:40:27,946
Because I was just about to do
everything to you. Everything?
746
00:40:27,947 --> 00:40:31,546
Yeah. The whole repertoire.
Fuck, you have a repertoire?
747
00:40:31,547 --> 00:40:34,348
Yeah, and I have to walk
out of this room right now.
748
00:40:39,588 --> 00:40:40,628
Happy now?
749
00:40:51,300 --> 00:40:53,500
Jamie, follow me,
we've got a problem.
750
00:41:00,380 --> 00:41:03,258
Keith is leading a sit-in
in the medium Wendy house.
751
00:41:03,259 --> 00:41:05,378
He and Dean say
they aren't coming out till
752
00:41:05,379 --> 00:41:07,020
they get equal pay with you.
753
00:41:07,021 --> 00:41:08,099
Bloody hell!
754
00:41:08,100 --> 00:41:11,299
This is on you, Jamie,
I knew he was trouble.
755
00:41:11,300 --> 00:41:14,780
OK, I'll talk to him. Sod that,
just get in there and sack him.
756
00:41:14,781 --> 00:41:16,699
I can't just sack him.
757
00:41:16,700 --> 00:41:20,659
Surely there's some sort of
disciplinary procedures.
758
00:41:20,660 --> 00:41:22,179
What about his union?
759
00:41:22,180 --> 00:41:25,579
What union?
The National Union Of Lazy Bastards?
760
00:41:25,580 --> 00:41:28,578
Just get rid of him.
He's got a wife... and a kid.
761
00:41:28,579 --> 00:41:31,618
I think they really need the money.
They're not your problem.
762
00:41:31,619 --> 00:41:34,500
Now, are you telling me
you're not man enough to do that?
763
00:41:36,180 --> 00:41:37,699
No, I am.
764
00:41:37,700 --> 00:41:40,380
Then get in that Wendy house
and prove it.
765
00:41:50,220 --> 00:41:51,660
Can we have the room, Dean?
766
00:42:09,820 --> 00:42:14,379
If you've come in here to try
and soften me up, don't bother.
767
00:42:14,380 --> 00:42:16,139
I'm sacking you.
768
00:42:16,140 --> 00:42:18,698
Oh, bloody hell!
What happened to the yellow card?
769
00:42:18,699 --> 00:42:20,860
I tried but Leanne said
it's either you or me.
770
00:42:20,861 --> 00:42:23,899
Lea...? That's outrageous!
771
00:42:23,900 --> 00:42:27,620
Well, don't take it out on the Hello
Kitty. It's your fault, not hers.
772
00:42:27,621 --> 00:42:30,979
My God, how dare you come in here
and... Ouch!
773
00:42:30,980 --> 00:42:32,379
Shit on a brick!
774
00:42:32,380 --> 00:42:35,179
Well, you can tell your mother.
775
00:42:35,180 --> 00:42:37,058
What?! Why?!
You're the one that blew it.
776
00:42:37,059 --> 00:42:39,138
I'm going to get all the crap
for this anyway.
777
00:42:39,139 --> 00:42:42,620
Well, isn't that why they pay you
the big bucks, Mr Manager?
778
00:42:44,140 --> 00:42:46,419
OK then, KEITH.
779
00:42:46,420 --> 00:42:48,618
I'm sorry it's had to come to this
780
00:42:48,619 --> 00:42:50,900
but I'm going to have to
ask you to leave.
781
00:42:53,940 --> 00:42:58,700
Oh, well, I shall not beg.
I have my dignity.
782
00:43:00,980 --> 00:43:02,300
If you will excuse me.
783
00:43:03,380 --> 00:43:06,579
I can't get...
You're on my foo... Argh!
784
00:43:06,580 --> 00:43:08,260
Well, that's cos you're in the way.
785
00:43:13,100 --> 00:43:17,299
Jamie, are you all right? Yeah.
786
00:43:17,300 --> 00:43:20,020
Good, cos I'm relieving you
of your managerial duties.
787
00:43:24,980 --> 00:43:27,018
She was literally cupping my balls.
788
00:43:27,019 --> 00:43:30,618
So, you see, I've proved myself
worthy. I resisted temptation.
789
00:43:30,619 --> 00:43:32,540
What temptation?
I went to the mountain.
790
00:43:32,541 --> 00:43:33,659
What mountain?
791
00:43:33,660 --> 00:43:37,419
You know, the mountain,
or the desert or the woods.
792
00:43:37,420 --> 00:43:38,579
Wherever it was.
793
00:43:38,580 --> 00:43:41,340
I went there and I managed not to
cop off with Jessica.
794
00:43:41,341 --> 00:43:43,260
Jessica? Don't ask.
795
00:43:49,380 --> 00:43:50,899
Is this our table?
796
00:43:50,900 --> 00:43:52,818
We double booked
so we've upgraded you.
797
00:43:52,819 --> 00:43:54,898
This is actually our premium table.
798
00:43:54,899 --> 00:43:56,898
Why's there seats only on one side?
799
00:43:56,899 --> 00:44:00,658
So you can watch the mediaeval
entertainment extravaganza.
800
00:44:00,659 --> 00:44:03,340
Although, obviously, that won't be
included in your deal.
801
00:44:03,341 --> 00:44:05,419
What is included? Hats.
802
00:44:05,420 --> 00:44:07,019
Yes!
803
00:44:07,020 --> 00:44:09,498
So, who wants to be King
and who wants to be Queen?
804
00:44:09,499 --> 00:44:10,700
King, Queen, King.
805
00:44:18,140 --> 00:44:21,419
This is, like, the Jesus seat,
isn't it?
806
00:44:21,420 --> 00:44:24,780
God, is there anything on here that
isn't roasted on a spit?
807
00:44:24,781 --> 00:44:29,779
So, when you become a priest,
can you really never...?
808
00:44:29,780 --> 00:44:31,939
No. Not ever?
809
00:44:31,940 --> 00:44:34,020
It's why they call it celibacy.
810
00:44:34,021 --> 00:44:35,779
So tragic.
811
00:44:35,780 --> 00:44:37,099
What can you do?
812
00:44:37,100 --> 00:44:38,619
You poor man.
813
00:44:38,620 --> 00:44:42,299
Well, you know how it goes.
814
00:44:42,300 --> 00:44:48,019
So, Conall,
speaking as Jamie's best friend,
815
00:44:48,020 --> 00:44:51,500
I was thinking that maybe
I should be the rightful godfather.
816
00:44:51,501 --> 00:44:53,019
I'm sure you're right.
817
00:44:53,020 --> 00:44:58,579
I've got all of the virtues,
kindness, patience,
818
00:44:58,580 --> 00:45:01,979
recycling... and all the others.
819
00:45:01,980 --> 00:45:05,539
Chastity. Yes, yes, actually.
820
00:45:05,540 --> 00:45:10,098
Basically, what I'm saying is, do us
a favour and get thee behind me.
821
00:45:10,099 --> 00:45:11,818
Obviously, it's Jamie's call
822
00:45:11,819 --> 00:45:14,540
but I'm sure you'd make
an excellent godfather.
823
00:45:14,541 --> 00:45:17,779
Yes, yes, I would,
thank you, thank you.
824
00:45:17,780 --> 00:45:19,778
May the force be with me, amen.
825
00:45:19,779 --> 00:45:22,500
So, Jamie, what name did you
go with in the end?
826
00:45:22,501 --> 00:45:26,340
Actually, I've decided on Olivia.
Awww.
827
00:45:27,860 --> 00:45:29,739
We never agreed on Olivia.
828
00:45:29,740 --> 00:45:31,739
We never agreed on anything.
829
00:45:31,740 --> 00:45:33,018
I hate the name Olivia.
830
00:45:33,019 --> 00:45:35,100
She's my baby,
I can call her what I like.
831
00:45:35,101 --> 00:45:40,259
I don't need permission from you or
your family or your bloody church.
832
00:45:40,260 --> 00:45:45,139
Fine. Then I'm calling her... Angela.
833
00:45:45,140 --> 00:45:47,618
That is a horrible name!
That's what I want.
834
00:45:47,619 --> 00:45:50,698
Rubbish! You just saw it just
then on the waitress' nametag.
835
00:45:50,699 --> 00:45:52,898
No, I didn't,
I've always loved the name Angela.
836
00:45:52,899 --> 00:45:56,498
And I'm going to shorten it to Angie.
Don't you dare!
837
00:45:56,499 --> 00:45:59,540
Not a very happy kingdom, is it?
Her name is Olivia.
838
00:45:59,541 --> 00:46:01,299
Angela. Olivia.
839
00:46:01,300 --> 00:46:03,699
Angela. Ang. Angela.
840
00:46:03,700 --> 00:46:07,899
Did you need something?
No thanks, Angela.
841
00:46:07,900 --> 00:46:12,499
Right, OK, that's it, I'm leaving.
Danielle, are you?
842
00:46:12,500 --> 00:46:15,219
We're going.
843
00:46:15,220 --> 00:46:17,100
See you tomorrow.
844
00:46:27,580 --> 00:46:29,658
You were right,
I should have cancelled.
845
00:46:29,659 --> 00:46:32,100
Ah, well, let's just get through it.
846
00:46:33,900 --> 00:46:36,100
A little christening
present from me.
847
00:46:36,101 --> 00:46:37,980
Oh, Mum.
848
00:46:39,700 --> 00:46:44,339
Oh, it's beautiful.
It's handmade.
849
00:46:44,340 --> 00:46:47,258
Oh, Mum, you know, sometimes
I feel that you're not
850
00:46:47,259 --> 00:46:50,740
that interested in her
and then you do something like this.
851
00:46:50,741 --> 00:46:55,099
It must have taken
so much care and effort.
852
00:46:55,100 --> 00:46:57,659
Yes, I imagine it did.
853
00:46:57,660 --> 00:46:59,979
Oh! Oh, no, I didn't make it.
854
00:46:59,980 --> 00:47:03,260
No, no, no, it was made by some
Peruvian mountain peasant.
855
00:47:03,261 --> 00:47:04,660
I just bought it.
856
00:47:05,740 --> 00:47:09,140
That doesn't mean
I love my grandchild any less than
857
00:47:09,141 --> 00:47:12,699
Manuela Ruiz Fernando but,
unlike Manuela,
858
00:47:12,700 --> 00:47:16,979
I now have a job in a law firm
allowing me to subcontract
859
00:47:16,980 --> 00:47:20,180
low skill manual nonsense
to an appropriate member
860
00:47:20,181 --> 00:47:22,659
of the third world.
You have a job?
861
00:47:22,660 --> 00:47:25,740
Exciting, isn't it? Steven sent over
the contract this morning.
862
00:47:25,741 --> 00:47:26,779
What contract?
863
00:47:26,780 --> 00:47:30,019
Er, Steven's offered me a job.
864
00:47:30,020 --> 00:47:32,939
What job?
Your job, actually.
865
00:47:32,940 --> 00:47:34,579
He bloody what?!
866
00:47:34,580 --> 00:47:36,380
Daddy, you're with me, come on.
867
00:47:36,381 --> 00:47:41,099
Right, oh, Alan, you're with the
girls and Tim. They're in the car.
868
00:47:41,100 --> 00:47:44,380
Wait a minute, Janet. Janet!
869
00:48:04,800 --> 00:48:06,439
All right?
870
00:48:06,440 --> 00:48:08,638
Bloody hell, what are you wearing?!
871
00:48:08,639 --> 00:48:11,438
This outfit symbolises my newfound
purity of spirit.
872
00:48:11,439 --> 00:48:13,078
And what does that symbolise?
873
00:48:13,079 --> 00:48:14,958
Oh, they're my dad's cricket whites.
874
00:48:14,959 --> 00:48:17,398
That's just where you rub the ball
to get a nice shiny side.
875
00:48:17,399 --> 00:48:20,680
Oh, yeah, just like Jesus!
I am just like Jesus.
876
00:48:22,560 --> 00:48:25,239
Oh, Jamie, Jamie...
877
00:48:25,240 --> 00:48:27,118
I-I know you think
Conall's the man
878
00:48:27,119 --> 00:48:28,840
but look at me, I'm ready.
879
00:48:28,841 --> 00:48:32,279
Mike, you can't.
You're not Catholic.
880
00:48:32,280 --> 00:48:33,958
Oh, so what? What's more important?
881
00:48:33,959 --> 00:48:36,120
The maker of the universe
or your best friend?
882
00:48:36,121 --> 00:48:38,800
Today's not about you! OK?
883
00:48:48,880 --> 00:48:53,600
For God's sake, Keith, doesn't even
one of your lot own a bloody tie?
884
00:48:57,720 --> 00:49:01,439
Hi. Can I sit with you?
885
00:49:01,440 --> 00:49:04,120
Oh, yeah, go for it.
I'm just having a quick pray.
886
00:49:04,121 --> 00:49:06,599
Oh, don't let me interrupt you.
887
00:49:06,600 --> 00:49:09,080
Oh, it's fine,
I'll catch up with him later.
888
00:49:13,080 --> 00:49:15,879
This is a lovely church.
Yeah, amazing.
889
00:49:15,880 --> 00:49:18,999
You see those gothic arches?
890
00:49:19,000 --> 00:49:22,558
They're one of the strongest
structures in building. Oh.
891
00:49:22,559 --> 00:49:24,318
That's under static load, obviously.
892
00:49:24,319 --> 00:49:27,598
If you put vibration in there,
it'd be a different story.
893
00:49:27,599 --> 00:49:29,160
That is so fascinating.
894
00:49:31,280 --> 00:49:33,839
God, you're a beautiful girl.
895
00:49:33,840 --> 00:49:36,878
How they hell did you lose
a bloody shelf-stacking job?!
896
00:49:36,879 --> 00:49:39,680
Don't blame me,
Jamie's the one that sacked me.
897
00:49:39,681 --> 00:49:42,839
Jamie! Get over here.
898
00:49:42,840 --> 00:49:44,360
Did you sack your father?
899
00:49:45,360 --> 00:49:48,278
Technically, yes.
But can we talk about this later?
900
00:49:48,279 --> 00:49:51,760
Oh, we'll definitely talk about it
later, don't you worry.
901
00:49:53,120 --> 00:49:56,158
Come on, darling,
time to put the happy face on.
902
00:49:56,159 --> 00:49:57,680
Let me get you a programme.
903
00:49:59,240 --> 00:50:02,998
I'm sure that Janet is just trying
to support you, Alan.
904
00:50:02,999 --> 00:50:05,598
By stealing my job
and then concealing it from me?
905
00:50:05,599 --> 00:50:06,758
How's that supporting me?
906
00:50:06,759 --> 00:50:10,158
I didn't want to upset you, you're
just not yourself at the moment.
907
00:50:10,159 --> 00:50:12,798
Oh, I dunno, I've got
a patronising father-in-law,
908
00:50:12,799 --> 00:50:16,158
a harpy of a wife, a familiar
sense of being both frustrated
909
00:50:16,159 --> 00:50:19,240
and unhappy - it all feels like
business as usual to me.
910
00:50:21,280 --> 00:50:23,640
That's them, isn't it?
It is. It is them.
911
00:50:23,641 --> 00:50:25,999
Yep, it is them? Yep, it's them.
912
00:50:26,000 --> 00:50:27,839
It's them.
913
00:50:27,840 --> 00:50:29,760
Ah, you're here. Where's Laura?
914
00:50:29,761 --> 00:50:31,959
I thought she was with you.
915
00:50:31,960 --> 00:50:33,078
You were the last one out,
916
00:50:33,079 --> 00:50:36,160
didn't you notice your daughter
just standing there?
917
00:50:38,000 --> 00:50:40,799
Are all his family gypsies, then?
918
00:50:40,800 --> 00:50:44,679
No. I suspect
they holiday in caravans, though.
919
00:50:44,680 --> 00:50:48,840
Where the hell is Laura?
Where's Laura?
920
00:51:00,240 --> 00:51:04,239
Conall!
What in God's name are you doing?!
921
00:51:04,240 --> 00:51:10,719
Just... explaining... how all of
this vaulted stonework is
922
00:51:10,720 --> 00:51:12,240
self-supporting.
923
00:51:15,920 --> 00:51:16,959
Yes!
924
00:51:16,960 --> 00:51:18,359
What's happening?
925
00:51:18,360 --> 00:51:21,358
Conall's muffed it. I'm back in
pole position for godfather.
926
00:51:21,359 --> 00:51:23,918
How come?
Because it says in the Bible,
927
00:51:23,919 --> 00:51:26,840
thou shalt not feel up a godmother
in the house of the Lord.
928
00:51:26,841 --> 00:51:28,079
How do I look?
929
00:51:28,080 --> 00:51:30,000
Like a lunatic. Thank you.
930
00:51:33,519 --> 00:51:35,877
I'm not going.
I don't want to see them.
931
00:51:35,878 --> 00:51:37,157
I don't want to see you.
932
00:51:37,158 --> 00:51:39,277
Everyone's there.
They're expecting us.
933
00:51:39,278 --> 00:51:41,077
They don't give a toss about us.
934
00:51:41,078 --> 00:51:42,519
Why should I care about them?
935
00:51:42,520 --> 00:51:47,798
Because... everyone who thought
we were nuts for having her,
936
00:51:47,799 --> 00:51:50,157
they are going to think
they were right.
937
00:51:50,158 --> 00:51:52,199
They're going to think
we're ashamed of her.
938
00:51:52,200 --> 00:51:55,318
I'm not ashamed of her!
Neither am I.
939
00:51:55,319 --> 00:51:58,879
All I want to do is stand in front
of our families with you
940
00:51:58,880 --> 00:52:04,398
and say here's our little... thingy.
941
00:52:04,399 --> 00:52:06,638
And that we're proud of her.
942
00:52:06,639 --> 00:52:08,277
Don't you want to say that?
943
00:52:08,278 --> 00:52:12,599
Not those exact words, no, but I do
agree with the general sentiment.
944
00:52:12,600 --> 00:52:14,798
We owe it to her.
945
00:52:14,799 --> 00:52:19,598
We owe it to... God, we need a name!
946
00:52:19,599 --> 00:52:21,079
Why is it so hard?!
947
00:52:22,359 --> 00:52:24,679
OK, I had a thought.
948
00:52:28,479 --> 00:52:29,918
Emily.
949
00:52:29,919 --> 00:52:33,158
That's...
950
00:52:33,159 --> 00:52:34,999
I don't hate that.
951
00:52:36,359 --> 00:52:39,718
I-I actually quite like Emily.
952
00:52:39,719 --> 00:52:44,118
Yeah? Yeah, do you like it?
If you like it, I like it.
953
00:52:44,119 --> 00:52:47,958
OK, so, we've picked a name.
That wasn't so hard.
954
00:52:47,959 --> 00:52:51,159
See? We can do this. Yeah.
955
00:52:52,559 --> 00:52:55,759
All we have to do now is sit through
hours of abuse from our families.
956
00:52:55,760 --> 00:52:58,918
Come on!
However they feel about you or me,
957
00:52:58,919 --> 00:53:01,599
they can't help
but fall in love with her.
958
00:53:03,039 --> 00:53:07,079
Look how happy she makes us.
How can they not feel the same way?
959
00:53:10,199 --> 00:53:12,239
It's going to be fine.
960
00:53:19,119 --> 00:53:24,278
OK, people, people,
these are very emotional times.
961
00:53:24,279 --> 00:53:28,359
Take a deep breath and, er...
962
00:53:39,439 --> 00:53:41,199
Thank God. They're here.
963
00:53:52,199 --> 00:53:54,919
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!
That's not...
964
00:53:57,359 --> 00:54:00,799
Stop that.
Phyllis? Phyllis?
965
00:54:08,439 --> 00:54:11,119
Phyllis, not for them!
966
00:54:31,199 --> 00:54:34,118
All right, that's enough. Shut up!
967
00:54:34,119 --> 00:54:36,438
Everybody just shut up!
968
00:54:36,439 --> 00:54:38,399
It's fine.
969
00:54:41,079 --> 00:54:43,599
Um... please be seated.
970
00:54:49,359 --> 00:54:55,198
Now, you all know Laura had
reservations about this christening
971
00:54:55,199 --> 00:54:57,398
but I told her not to worry,
972
00:54:57,399 --> 00:55:02,398
that it was going to be
a lovely, happy occasion.
973
00:55:02,399 --> 00:55:07,878
And as I look around and see
the many friends and family
974
00:55:07,879 --> 00:55:11,279
gathered here today,
I can't help thinking that...
975
00:55:13,679 --> 00:55:15,719
you're all a bunch of dicks.
976
00:55:19,959 --> 00:55:23,677
And I'm sorry for saying dicks in
your church, Father Thomas,
977
00:55:23,678 --> 00:55:26,397
but then you did say that my
daughter was going to hell
978
00:55:26,398 --> 00:55:27,559
so it's all relative.
979
00:55:27,560 --> 00:55:31,078
Now, I've come to expect it
from Laura's family.
980
00:55:31,079 --> 00:55:34,478
Of course they hate me, I get it.
981
00:55:34,479 --> 00:55:39,798
But, Mum, Dad,
I expected more of you.
982
00:55:39,799 --> 00:55:43,479
You know how difficult this has
been for me and Laura and Emily.
983
00:55:43,480 --> 00:55:48,598
Oh, that's her name, by the way,
so I'd appreciate it if people
984
00:55:48,599 --> 00:55:53,358
could start using it instead of
calling her a bastard and I am sick
985
00:55:53,359 --> 00:55:57,759
and tired of apologising and trying
to please everyone all the time.
986
00:55:58,799 --> 00:56:02,559
So you know what? I'm done.
987
00:56:03,959 --> 00:56:10,359
From now on, all I care about
is my kid and my... Laura.
988
00:56:15,399 --> 00:56:17,918
This baptism is off.
989
00:56:17,919 --> 00:56:21,678
Oh, and so is the reception.
990
00:56:21,679 --> 00:56:23,239
And so am I.
991
00:56:29,879 --> 00:56:31,638
Are you coming?
992
00:56:31,639 --> 00:56:33,878
Well, I...
993
00:56:33,879 --> 00:56:35,758
Would you rather stay?
994
00:56:35,759 --> 00:56:36,839
Yeah, fair enough.
995
00:56:42,319 --> 00:56:48,038
Laura, can you help me? This side,
you just need to pull this...
996
00:56:48,039 --> 00:56:50,358
Let's just carry her. Just walk.
997
00:56:50,359 --> 00:56:52,519
I do sort of think
we should be running.
998
00:56:52,520 --> 00:56:53,559
Yep. Shall we?
999
00:57:00,239 --> 00:57:02,038
She's stopped crying.
1000
00:57:02,039 --> 00:57:05,199
Yeah... it's probably the shock.
1001
00:57:06,239 --> 00:57:07,718
Yeah.
1002
00:57:07,719 --> 00:57:08,759
Come on.
1003
00:57:15,999 --> 00:57:18,999
Life is going on out there
and I am going to grab it.
1004
00:57:19,000 --> 00:57:23,118
Are you following us?
I don't know any other mums.
1005
00:57:23,119 --> 00:57:24,957
I've got transport problems.
1006
00:57:24,958 --> 00:57:28,119
Keith, grab a bumper.
Mum, don't kick the bailiffs.
1007
00:57:28,120 --> 00:57:29,678
I can't stand him.
1008
00:57:29,679 --> 00:57:32,317
This is a girls' chat. We're having
a girls' chat with Beth.
1009
00:57:32,318 --> 00:57:33,757
So you pay off the loan?
1010
00:57:33,758 --> 00:57:36,559
Yeah, and you work as my driver
to pay back the debt.
1011
00:57:37,674 --> 00:58:06,872
1012
00:58:06,922 --> 00:58:11,472
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