All language subtitles for Muffin.Top.A.Love.Story.2014.720p.BluRay.H264.AAC-RARBG

( MUSIC PLAYING )

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( MUSIC PLAYING )

¶ There's always
Someone saying ¶

¶ Somebody needs
Something changing ¶

¶ It's all a game
We're playing ¶

¶ It's never ending ¶

¶ And no one can keep up ¶

¶ Makes you feel
Less than perfect ¶

¶ Feels like
It's so not worth it ¶

¶ Labeled some kind of misfit ¶

¶ Tell me haven't you
Just had enough? ¶

¶ Beauty has many faces ¶

¶ You'll see them
Different places ¶

¶ I don't wanna be
Someone else ¶

¶ I only wanna be myself ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ And I am beautiful ¶

SUZANNE:
That goofy ballerina is me.

At this point in my life,
I didn't worry about my weight

but, of course,
that didn't last.

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ And I am beautiful ¶

¶ You can refuse to listen ¶

¶ To all the... ¶

SUZANNE: Like most average
American girls,

I grew up seeing
200 to 400 advertising images

of what women
are supposed to look like

every day of my life.

¶ And who you are
Is just fine ¶

¶ Unique and one of a kind ¶

¶ No pressure now to define ¶

¶ Anything to anyone but you ¶

SUZANNE: The women in the ads
we see are a size 0 to size 4.

Even though the average
American woman is a size 14,

the same size
as Marilyn Monroe.

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ And I am beautiful ¶

¶ I don't wanna be
Someone else ¶

SUZANNE: Ninety-six percent
of American girls

say they feel bad
about themselves

because they don't look
like a supermodel.

¶ I am beautiful ¶

¶ I am beautiful ¶

SUZANNE: There are
three billion women on earth

and 100 of them
are supermodels,

which makes supermodels
the rarest of genetic freaks.

¶ I don't wanna be
Someone else ¶

¶ I only wanna be myself ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

thousands of hermaphrodites,

people with the genitalia
of both sexes.

¶ I don't wanna be
Someone else ¶

¶ I'm happy
When I'm just myself ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

SUZANNE:
So don't feel bad

you're not a genetic
freak supermodel.

Feel bad you don't have
a penis and a vagina.

Because at least
you had a shot at that one.

( LAUGHING )

All right.

You guys, papers
are due on Friday.

Please,
I have office hours.

My TA, Elise,
has office hours.

Come to us.
I want to help you.

I want you guys
to impress me, okay?

SUZANNE: It's ironic I teach
Feminist Media in Los Angeles,

the belly
of the entertainment beast.

No real woman can
live up to Hollywood images,

not even the women in them.

SUZANNE: I'm not actually fat.
But you can't tell me that.

Even on my wedding day,
when I had lost 15 pounds

and was swimming in my dress,
I didn't feel thin enough.

¶ I don't wanna be
Someone else ¶

SUZANNE: My whole life
I have had one simple wish.

To finally stop obsessing
about my weight.

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ And I am beautiful ¶

¶ I don't wanna be
Someone else ¶

¶ I'm happy... ¶

SUZANNE: How you choose to
think about a small roll of fat

can change your life.

For me, it all started with
a woman's head between my legs,

but not in a good way.

( SIGHS )

Hm, you're running
out of time

to get these buns
in your oven, cookie.

Statistically speaking,
the day you turn 40,

your chances drop by half.

Boom.
Oh.

You know,
I called over to the lab

and they haven't received
your husband's sperm yet.

Five more days, we're gonna
have to freeze those eggs.

What's his big problem anyway?

He's very busy.
It's pilot season.

Big TV executive can't
find the time to jerk off?

I thought that's what
they're best at.

Ha.

Well, you better get a jar

and you better drive it
to the lab yourself.

Get on the stick, sister.

Okay, I'll do it.

( MUSIC PLAYING )

Who's a good boy?

Come on, buddy, we're gonna
go see Daddy at the office.

Okay, buddy, go kennel.
Oh, he's a good boy.

He's a good boy.
Oh, I'm sorry, buddy.

Good boy, go kennel.

Good boy.

Okay.

That's Daddy's sperm.

Good boy.
Stay.

¶ This is where we decide ¶

¶ To put it all behind ¶

¶ Yeah yeah yeah yeah ¶

You can't just drop by
the office for a jar of sperm.

I'm taking the week off
so that I could get knocked up

and so that I could
neuter the dog.

Why didn't we get
a labradoodle, like I wanted.

Now we've got
this nutless mutt.

Don't call him that.
He can hear you.

Look, honey,
I get that the hormone shots

are making you moody.

Moody?

Do you realize
that I have gained one pound

for every single day
this week?

Look, sweetheart.

Mm-hm.

A man in my position
can't just jerk off

in an equal opportunity
workplace.

The lawyers told us this.

You have a private bathroom.
What's that for?

Michael?
It's not for that.

Oh, hey, speak of the devil.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Don't worry.
I was just telling my wife

what a great place
this is to work.

Hi.

You know,
that equal pay for equal work

and blah blah blah.

( PHONE RINGING IN BACKGROUND )

Jessica's in reality.

Right. We have some
awesome new shows.

We have this one that we call
"Dancing With the Cons."

It's a contest show.

It's convicts
singing and dancing.

And I'm telling you,

these convicts are
surprisingly likeable

and really talented, right?

For, like, crooks.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.

Wow.

Well, so,
this has been great, Jessica,

thanks very much
and I'll be with you shortly.

Oh, sure.

Sorry.

Thanks.
Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.
Super cute dog.

SUZANNE:
Aw, thank you.

I like his little outfit.

( CLEARING THROAT )

She couldn't be
more adorable.

Ha.
Ha.

( CLEARING THROAT )
Wow, they just get younger

every year, don't they?

What's with the cookie
poufed-up fakey lips?

Oh, oh, I like 'em.
Fake is the new real.

Really?

You know what, though?
I have been really distracted.

I'm sorry.

I know but we have to
focus on this.

This is our life.

No, no, I'm focused.
We have to get this together.

No, no, no, I'm focused.
I'm focused.

When?
When, when, when?

Well, on Thursday
we have that therapy session
at Beverley Hills.

Yes?

I'll go to the clinic
after that and make a
big old deposit, okay?

Promise?

Yeah, bucketful.

Oh, thank you.
I love you.

All right.

It's four pounds from today,
but I will take it.

You know what, baby?
On you, it looks good.

No, it does not.

My grab handles right here.

Oh, don't call it that.
I hate that.

I got to go.
BooBoo, come on.

Yeah, get that dog
outta here.

SUZANNE:
He's a good boy, c'mon.

That is not a good boy.
It's not even a boy.

Really, I don't even know why
we're in couples therapy today

'cause we're actually
really happy.

It's just that I'm trying
to get pregnant

and we just sort of thought,
you know, we'd come in

and do a little preventative
something, you know.

I mean, it's not like
we really have any issues.

It's probably
just a waste of time.

( GIGGLING )

Well, Suzanne,
as you know--

My God.
Oh, my God.

You're leaving me.

You're leaving me.
He's leaving me.

He's leaving me.
He's leaving me.

He's leaving me.
You're leaving me.

Suzanne, we've talked about

these hormone-induced
mood swings you've been having.

No, no, this is not
a hormone-induced mood swing.

This is how he fires people.

I've heard him do it
on the phone.

He says this phrase,
really calm, like,

"As you know,
as you know,

like as you know,
the ratings are bad.

As you know,
profits are down,"

and then the poor son-of-a-bitch
that he's firing,

he says it so many times
that at the end of it,

he's, like,
"I know, I know. I know.

I know, I know,
I know, I know."

Suzanne, please sit down
so we can work through this.

( SOBBING )

Michael.

Michael, would you like to
address what Susan just said?

Yeah, of course.

It's Suzanne!

Of course.

Well, I wanted
to harvest the eggs

because I'm really
a strategic planner.

That's kind of
my number one skill,

although I don't get
any credit for it.

Mm-hm, but what about
what Suzanne just said

about you leaving her?

Could you please address that?

Oh, I'm leaving her.

I decided months ago

but that's why I wanted
to freeze the eggs.

I'm really the practical one
in the relationship.

When she goes back
on the marketplace,

then she can either
get fertilized by, you know,

a sperm donor or, you know,
the next partner.

It's really for her.

I realize I'm not gonna get
any credit for that

and I'm actually fine
with that.

Suzanne, could you
please sit down again

so we can address this
before we can move on?

Can't cancel me,
Michael.

I'm not some death row
talent show.

Oh, my God.
This is making me sick.

Please.

I'm gonna be sick.

( VOMITING )

You know what?

These hormone injections
were your idea.

You can have the credit.

And you can have the vomit

because I am so
not cleaning that up.

( SOBBING )

I have to go.

( DOOR CLOSING )

All right, then.

Do I really
have to clean this up?

I have a dog.

¶ Hey hey hey ¶

¶ I've been standing here ¶

( DOORBELL RINGING )

¶ Since you left me ¶

Hi.
Suzanne Nicholson?

Yeah.

Happy 40th birthday!

Just need you to sign
right there.

( indistinct ) figure out
it was my birthday.

There you go.

Okay.
Geez, that's funny.

I just don't know who would
send me something like that.

From your husband.

What?

Okay, that's weird because
we've had kind of a rough week

so I'm surprised
that he would--

It's not that weird.
You've been served.

¶ Hey hey hey ¶

¶ I'm feeling too old to
Still be wishing on you ¶

¶ Hey hey ¶

LAWYER:
Look, you did sign a prenup

but I'm confident
I can get you some more.

I don't want his money.

( SNORTING )

I just-Jesus.

( PHONE RINGING IN BACKGROUND )

I make my own money.

That's why
I'm on the tenure track

and it's not a ton of money
but it's enough.

I'm gonna be fine.

You can't be serious about
giving up the house, though?

All I want is the dog.

And trust me,
he's not gonna want that

because it's not
a frigging labradoodle

which is what he wanted.

I just--I swear to God
I thought I had, like,

you know, like,
an M&M in here or maybe,

like, a Hershey's Kiss
left over from Halloween.

I just...

You know what?

You guys should just
serve chocolate.

You should have
big bowls of M&Ms.

I don't get the feeling
you're paying attention.

Or squeeze bottles
of Hershey syrup.

People could just do 'em
like shooters.

That would work.

It's inhumane what you people
are doing here.

It's like you're running
an emergency room

without morphine.

( LAUGHING )

A-ha! Yes!

M&M.

( SPITTING )

All right, there's lint.
There's lint in there.

There's something
I need to tell you and--

I thought I had a Dove Bar.

I hate that I'm the one
to have to say these words.

Ah, you know what?
Let me guess.

He's sleeping with
somebody else, right?

MICHAEL ON PHONE:
Hey, Suzanne,

I wanted you
to hear this from me.

I'm getting married
to Jessica.

You met her.
Oh, and also, she's pregnant.

Okay, bye.

Sherry, who's on 3?
I thought we were--

When you met her, he said,

"Jessica,
I'll be with you shortly."

And now he is.

Exactly right.

She's got those fake poufy
Angelina husband-stealing lips.

Those are the lips
that launched a thousand lips.

Ohh...

SUZANNE: I tell you what the
worst thing about all this is.

Michael ends up
being right.

I'm glad I have these
stupid frozen eggs.

I'm always happy

when I have something
in the freezer, you know?

A bean burrito,
my genetic materials,

it's all good.

Right, if your life
was a romantic comedy,

who would your sexy
sperm donor be?

Hm, good one.

Oh, your dog gets sick
and we go to the vet

and your vet is smokin'.

Vets are hot.
Yeah.

Only problem is
I have a female vet

so I'd have to get
a male vet

and I've got to get him
to masturbate into a jar.

It's very, very complicated.

Why am I smoking?

I don't know.

I don't even know
how to smoke.

Look at me.
I'm like a child.

I'll tell you what,
I have not smoked in 10 years.

I've not had sex with strangers
in 10 years.

And all I really want to do
is eat.

I so could not get through this
without chocolate.

We are getting you chocolate,
sister.

Hang on.

¶ I don't know where to go ¶

¶ Or how to get to the place ¶

¶ We go to when we get
Off the metro ¶

¶ And turn left ¶

¶ I don't know why
He does these things ¶

¶ I don't know why
You go with him ¶

¶ All the time ¶

¶ All the time ¶

¶ If you don't
Want to unleash ¶

¶ This bitch that's in me ¶

¶ Stay away then ¶

¶ Stay away then ¶

¶ Stay away ¶

KIM ON PHONE:
Okay, if I find out

you are breastfeeding that dog,

I am so having an intervention.

Please, just move in.

You don't have room
for me, Kim.

We have the nanny's room.

SUZANNE ON PHONE: Where's Inga
supposed to sleep?

Inga is gone.

She joined the Army
and I'm not even kidding.

Apparently,
Afghanistan is a cakewalk

compared to
dealing with my kids.

Wow.

KIM: We don't want
a live-in nanny.

We want a live-in divorced lady
and her de-balled dog.

So where are you anyway?

I am sitting in
my $400 baby jogger with BooBoo,

trying to teach him
how to like it

so that we can go jogging
together.

Okay, that's it.
You're moving in.

Honey, I had to.

I love Suzanne.
She's family.

I know, she's got her dog
in a baby stroller.

( LAUGHING )

SUZANNE:
We're getting a divorce.

He gets the house

and I get the coffee shop,
I guess.

Wow.

I hope you guys can stay
friends, you know.

You're both
really nice people.

( CLEARING THROAT )

He cheated on me.

I never liked him.

Wish you would have
said something.

JAROD:
I should have said something.

You know what?
That's on me.

I will not let you
pay for that.

Jarod, I can't
accept a free latté

just because my husband
cheated on me.

Seriously, okay?
I have to redeem my gender.

Also, you have a
( CLEARING THROAT ),

you have a little thing.

Oh, God.

Michael never tells me when
I have a chocolate moustache.

Or when he's impregnating
his co-workers.

( COUGHING )

Sorry.

That might have been
more than you wanted to know.

SUZANNE: When discussing
the airbrushed women in ads ,

my favorite quote is from
Cindy Crawford who said,

"Even I don't look like
Cindy Crawford in the morning."

( LAUGHING )

In a recent survey,

69% of women say
they'd rather lose weight

than fall in love
or get a raise.

I try to teach you guys
to ignore ad images

but I'm a hypocrite.

This stuff gets to me too.

Andrea, be careful.
Don't drop that.

Really?

I thought "Fragile" meant
throw it down the stairs.

( indistinct )
It's like a Respect Festival.

It's so weird that your nanny
joined the Army.

Oh!

What? I know.

Hey, stop it.
Stop it.

Go and stop it.

Go.

Sophie, stay in the yard
but away from me.

If Barnaby knocked up
some skank co-worker,

I would do to him
what the vet did to BooBoo,

only with the pliers
and a butter knife.

Hi, this is not
about you, okay?

This is about me

and how I have to
rethink my entire life.

Okay.

You know
what you should do?

You should finally
write a book.

Oh.
Yes.

Well, you teach, like,
how women are always trying

to live up to
these ridiculous images.

You always say this.
I have no idea why.

I'm an agent.

I think you're interesting
and I could make money.

Ooh, once again, about me.
Yay!

Okay, I don't know if
you're ready to hear this

but I'm gonna tell you anyway.

You need just to get out there
and find yourself a real man.

I don't want anyone to see
my grab handles

and my muffin top.

I would hurt a puppy
to lose weight.

I would yell at kittens.

( LAUGHING )

I would skin a dolphin.

I just-I never thought

that I was gonna
be dating again.

I'm like a born again virgin.

I don't know what to do
on a first date.

Do you have sex?
I don't know.

No.

It's like first date,
it's like first base.

I never knew that.
What is it?

Is that, like,
they touch your boob?

That's--
No. It's not boobs.

First base is kissing.

Okay, second base is boobs.

I don't think that's right.

Yeah.
I mean, you know what?

And we'll check it
on Wikipedia right now.

Yeah, you do check it
'cause you know what?

I bet there's been
sex inflation.

It's probably boob by now.

No. Uh-oh.

Ah, mm-hm.

First base is kissing.

Boob is second base.

Blow jobs are third.

What?

Oh, my God, there's
so much stuff I didn't know.

Do you know
what a grand slam is?

No.

Having sex four times with
the same person in one night.

Ow.
KIM: Yeah, ow.

Jeez.
Okay.

Do you want to know
what a vagumach is?

( GIGGLING )

No, you need to know this.
What?

A vagumach is when your vagina
and your stomach meet up.

That's what I have.
No, you d--

Look at my vagumach.
Agghhh!

That's not a vagumach.

I'm a vagumach.
Do you like me?

You shut your vagumach.
That's not a vagumach.

Ooh.
And you know what?

When you're out there,

do not let yourself
get pre-issed.

Ohh.
Do you wanna know?

Mmm.

Pre-issed is when
they stop moving.

They just fall asleep.

That's happened to me.

It does happen a lot.
I've had that one.

It saves energy though.

It's not good.

GREGORY: So many celebrities
come to me for weight loss.

Please,
just sit on my balls.

This is the way
nature intended us to sit.

There you are.

Now the key to weight loss
is within our own bodies.

You see, your mind
manufactured your fat.

Well, no, honestly,
I think I manufactured it

with hormone injections
and M&Ms so.

( LAUGHING )
That's a very cute thing to say

but that's something
that your mind is telling you.

No, no, I think
it's my fat telling me.

Oh, really,
does your fat talk?

( EAST INDIAN ACCENT )
Is your fat

calling you from Mumbai
right now? Uh?

( SOUTHERN ACCENT )
Or is your fat

some good old southern
redneck cracker from Alabama

who's got nothing but time
and liquor on his hands?

( BRITISH ACCENT )
Was your fat

one of those chaps who says,
"I'm in hospital,"

instead of
"In the hospital,"

'cause it doesn't have time
to say articles

in the middle of a word?

I've no idea
what you're talking--

'Course you don't have
any idea what I'm talking about

but that's because I'm trained
in this profession.

I am at--

( GONG SOUNDING )

A homeostasis, okay?

I'm at my ideal weight
right now.

( LAUGHING )
I'm sorry.

To me--
Hmm.

You're just a little bit,
not thin, you know?

I mean, no offense.

I don't want to
hurt your feelings. I--

I am at my ideal weight
right now.

But you're really not.

Okay, no, no.

What you're mistaking
for too much weight

is actually called
soft muscle.

Okay.
See, if I was a woman
right now,

I wouldn't even
be able to menstruate.

My eggs would be all dry
and just refusing to come out.

That's how lean
I really am, right now.

Okay, I just--

You don't
have to talk anymore.

Just lift up your shirt.

I want to talk to
that fat of yours face-to-face.

I just don't really--
Just lift it up.

I've seen lots of
this kind of thing.

Oh.
Oh, my God.

Oh, Jesus.

I didn't expect to have
that reaction.

I'm sorry.
I can put it--

No, no.
No, no, it's all good.

Well, look at that,
you have a muffin top.

Hey, there,
little muffin top.

How you doing,
little muffin top?

What you got down there?

Is that blueberries
or cranberries in there.

Ohh!

You know, I just
really don't even know

why they have to call it
a muffin top.

I just wish
they'd call it a Satan top.

That's what
it feels like to me.

Fine, fine. Satan top.
Use that.

Look, your mind
created this dis--

please, pull that down.

Your mind,
it created that disgusting

blueberry-filled
muffin top.

It is yours to name.

Okay.

I want you to send in
to my lab your stool sample.

Eugh.

And most importantly,
I want you to begin each day

by drinking two fluid ounces
of your own urine.

What?
No. Oh, God.

Oh, I can't, I can't,
I can't, no.

Now, look,
it's simple to do this.

All you do, most of my clients
they just take it,

they take the two ounces,

they dump it
in their morning latté,

just chuck it down.

Never even know
the difference.

Others make themselves
what they call a "pee tea"

and heat it in the kettle
on that stove.

Because Gandhi
drank his morning pee

every single morning.

Mahatma Gandhi?

Yes, and now think back to
how thin Gandhi was.

Okay.

Hold on.
Stay on the ball.

Now, I need you to mail me
your stool sample

in this envelope.

It is self-sealing.

Do not do as many people do
and lick it.

And this, right here,
these are your supplements.

SUZANNE:
All right.
Okay.

I'll do it.

It really was a pleasure
to meet you.

Thank you.
It was so nice-thank you.

I'm truly grateful.

Oh, look, sorry.
I'm just not--

I would stand first,
but in my culture,

it's appropriate for women
to stand before men.

Look, I just--I'm not
good at the ball thing but I--

thank you.

Thank you so much.
I'm really grateful.

Mmm.

You will be pretty someday.

It's our new house, buddy.
What do you think?

Want to give Mommy kisses?

BooBoo, give Mommy a kiss.

Oh, there's a kissy.

Oh, not with the tongue.

That's confusing to Mommy.

Oh, yeah.

Come on, you son of a bitch.

Oh, Jesus.

Here, let me.
No, no.

I'm so sorry.

That was so weird.
I just--

I have this thing where, like,
if I don't see it go in,

I just Gaslight myself,

like this old
black and white movie.

Yeah, where Charles Boyer
tries to make Ingrid Bergman

think she's crazy.
Yes.

I love that movie.

Me too.

I thought
I was the only person

who Gaslights themselves
at the mailbox.

I totally do that.

It's just some stupid crap
I have to send,

I'm treating it
like it's gold.

Did it go in there?
Am I crazy?

Yeah, it's just some crap.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Morning.

( GIGGLING )
See ya.

Decaf, double shot,
no foam, skinny latté

with extra room like
you asked for it three times

even though I heard you
the first time.

Thank you.

Oh no, you don't.
What?
I-what?

JAROD: I saw what you poured
in that.

That is a decaf, non-fat,
skinny pee pee latté.

How on earth
did you even know?

I run a coffee shop
in West L.A.

I see every crazy diet fad
that comes in here

and that Gregory tells people
to spend $300

to drink their own urine?

I mean, no wonder
they lose weight.

They go through the day
too disgusted to eat.

They lose weight?

Seriously,
that's all you heard

from what I just said?

All right, I'm gonna
make you another latté.

Look, I--
Oh, you know what?

You-that's mine.
You've-that's mine.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, no, wait a minute.
Good news.

We ordered exactly
the same thing.

Here, here's mine.
I didn't touch it.

Take that, we're fixed.

No, it's not fixed
because that's mine

and it's very special.

No, look, it's okay.

I already put my fixings in
so you take that one

and it's a win-win.

It's seriously not a win-win
because it's mine

and I just really would--

I know that we don't
know each other

but I'm just gonna
say something here.

I think I understand
what you're going through.

You are afraid of change, right?

No.
Of losing control,

so you fixate on the idea
of ownership of objects.

You know, I'm gonna
do you a favor, okay?

I'm taking your latté
and I'm giving you freedom.

You're gonna thank me,
you are.

Oh, mm-mm.

I'm tasting your freedom.

So not my freedom
you're tasting.

ELISE CHATTING:
Hey, it's Elise.

You have to see
our boss's latest video.

Deborah is so crazy.

Oh, and don't forget,

tonight we have to do
her creepy cable access show.

DEBORAH ON YOUTUBE: I really
don't trust a feminist

who wears red lipstick.

Why would you paint
an orifice?

And who can take what comes out
of a painted orifice seriously?

Women are manipulated.

Read: man-ipulated.

Think about
the Washington Monument.

Now that's just
an enormous phallus.

If we had
an Eleanor Roosevelt Tunnel,

we would have had
a woman president years ago.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER ON TV:
Malibu Beach University,

Women's Studies Department,

presents
"Feminist Television."

With today's guests,

actress Marcia Wallace
from "The Simpsons,"

from Project Cover Girl,

and Dr. Suzanne Nicholson.

And our host,
department chair,

Dr. Deborah
Humpries-Hostetler

bestselling author of
"Aging Gratefully."

( APPLAUSE )

And we are back.

Now, ladies,
I would like to ask

how you feel about
the current epidemic

of female self-mutilation
through plastic surgery.

Oh, hon, count me among
the self-mutilators.

See my neck?
I hated it.

Had more rings
than an old redwood.

So I went in
and had a nip tuck me

and now I love it.

Well, Marcia,
you are an actress

and obviously
you felt pressure

from the male-dominated media.

No, hated my neck
so I fixed it.

As a transgender person,
I've had some work done.

Well, it's all drag
anyway, isn't it?

( LAUGHING )
Amen, sister.

Haaa!

Why don't you tell us
a little more

what you mean when you say,
"It's a drag"?

No, not "a drag."
"Drag," men and women.

We're all drag queens.

Oh.

I mean, come on,
no one's natural.

I don't judge
anybody's drag.

True feminism should be
complete control

of your own body whether
it's abortion or Botox.

I am sorry, but that is
a complete insult

to the feminist movement.

I'm sorry.

But do you run
the feminist movement?

Well, my dear,
my books are all about

how the beauty oligarchy
destroys women's self-esteem.

Now I do not color my hair.

I do not wear make-up
and I will never,

ever mutilate myself
with cosmetic surgery.

Oh, I'm sorry, dude.

Just because you wrote a book

automatically makes you
the boss of all of us?

Well, I'm sorry, dude,

but maybe because
you used to be a man

you don't understand.

Oh, that's it,
play the man card with me.

Just because
I used to be a man,

you're gonna use me as
the proverbial bad guy, I see.

You know,
I have to say--

Oh, mercy.

Hear that?
Cut! Cut! Cut.

'Scuse me!

( LAUGHING )

That Deborah.

It's just, well,
the "C" word.

Hey.
Closed-minded.

Yeah, that's what
I'm talking about.

Unless she can hear me
'cause I'm super scared of her.

Oh, she can just bite me.

She can just bite me.

Let's talk about
something more cheerful.

Are you seeing anyone yet?

No. No.

Come on, you know
what they say

about falling off
the horse.

You've got to get back
in the saddle again.

Hah!

I keep telling her
she just has to go out there

and get that first time
over with.

I actually say
that sex after a break-up

is like the first waffle.

You know, if it's no good,
you throw it out.

But it gets the iron ready
for the other waffles.

My iron is ready.

I've been spraying it
with non-stick hormones.

( LAUGHING )

CHRISTINA:
This is probably different

but when I first started taking
hormone therapy,

all of a sudden
every man I saw

was, like,
ridiculously doable.

Right.

If I were in your shoes,

I'd do it with
one of the oh,

5,000 smoking hot young men
on that campus.

A student?

The simple fact is
there is no human

more grateful than
a 20-something-year-old man

you just slept with.

Hey, I got the inside
perspective on that one.

Hello.

Oh, I got a early call
tomorrow, I should go.

My private cell.

If you would like a makeover
for the first waffle,

it's on me.

Thank you.

Yeah!
Waffles for all my friends!

Oh, hon, I don't think
this drinking thing's

gonna work out for you.

Hey, sure.

I've never been
drunk before ever.

My cheeks are so numb.
Are they turning pink?

KIM: I found this
awesome dating service

called "It's Just Drinks."

You're not serious?

It is,
"It's Just Drinks."

Terrible idea.
It's a great idea.

I already signed us up
and paid for us both.

We are not doing it.
You are married.

Look, I just want to check out
what my current market value is

when I'm not driving
a minivan covered in

"My Little Pony"
stickers, okay?

And Barnaby,
he's super cool with it.

Oh, I'm sure
he's very cool, yeah.

He is super cool with anything
that gets me to shave

above the knee, all right?

Oh, well,
that I could believe.

( MUSIC PLAYING )

So let's mix, mingle
and remember, it's just drinks.

Ha, ha.

You're a car salesman,
that's awesome.

Good for you.

What will it take
for you to say "Yes"

to sleeping with me
tonight?

( LAUGHING )

Huh?

( LAUGHING )

Well, I don't know.
How about a tsunami?

MAN: So in addition to running
my own hedge fund,

I am also a plushie.

I don't know what that is.

Oh, I like to dress
in a furry pink rabbit suit

that has a hole cut into it
for my genitalia.

Hah!

Must get cold.

What are you driving
these days?

I'm driving a Ford.
I got to go.

I'll-thank you.
Suzanne sounds European.

You should be
in a European car.

I'm just saying.

Well, thank you.

I'll call you in three years
when my visa's up, okay.

Thank you.

So, how was
"It's Just Drinks"?

It was just horrible.

Oh, oh.

I love you so much.

And please, please, please,
don't ever leave me.

Don't ever make me go.
I won't.

Oh.

She shaved her legs.

I did. I did.
Both of them.

( KISSING )

I'm happy for you.

BARNABY:
I'll take it.

( KISSING )
Mmm, thank you.

SUZANNE:
You were at my wedding.

You could have said something.

LINDA:
What am I gonna say?

Great dress.
Run for your life?

Besides, you loved him.

I know.

You know what?

I am gonna fix you up
with a genuinely good guy.

Ohh.
No, no, no.

This guy's new professor
to the department.

He's divorced.
He's lovely.

It's not on.
He's luh-vely.

Trust me.

I am very good at this.

And besides, he couldn't be
worse than the guy you picked.

You know what?

I just wish I could stop
thinking about them

all the time.
It's all I think about.

Hi.

Oh.

Um, you know, I always
really did admire you.

When I was an undergraduate,
I actually took your class.

Then you took my husband.

Ha, ha.

No, no.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, hey.

Cut it out.

( PHONE RINGING )

Hello?
Yeah, no, I'm good.

Did that actually happen?

No.

( LAUGHING )

In my head, it happened.

( LAUGHING )

Well, it should have.

¶ I don't know why
He does these things ¶

Listen, people usually go out
for coffee on a first date

but you and I have had coffee,

like, a ridiculous
amount of times.

Plus, I saved you
from drinking your own pee,

which I think
should count for something.

So I was wondering...

could I cook dinner
for you at my place?

Yeah.
Okay.

Yeah.

Good.

KIM [ON PHONE]: So when
did Jarod start serving waffles

in that coffee shop?

Mmm, first waffle.

Shut up.
KIM: He's, like, what? Twelve?

No, I think he's 30.

KIM: And I can't believe
you are going to a tranny

for a sex makeover.

Where's Jarod
taking you anyway?

He's making me dinner.

KIM:
In his Easy-Bake oven?

That is so cute.

Shut up.

( LAUGHING )

Now quality lingerie
is to 40-year-old sex

what MI semiautomatic rifles
were to D-Day.

What?

You can't go in unarmed
and you can't go in naked.

Oh.
I love war analogies.

I get it.

Okay. Men.

It's all about
the hair and the boobs.

So whatever you can do
to get your hair big, do it.

Okay.
Now, as for the boobs--

Yeah.
Same as the hair.

Men like big boobs.

They can never be too big.
Right.

And since you're gonna
keep your bustier on,

we're gonna
kick it up a notch.

( LAUGHING )
With these.

Oh, my God.

Chicken cutlets.
Hold that.

Let me get
these girls in here.

Hello, mama.

Wow.
I know.

Ooh, cold.

Ah, I know it's cold,
honey, but look.

Bam!

Maximum firepower
right there.

Wow.

Now the reason
I got you in shapewear--

Yeah.
Is to boost your confidence.

Ohh.

You don't like
your tummy or your thighs

so we're gonna
direct him up here

to the girls.
Right.

Yo, and the most
important part.

Here you go.
Spread 'em.

There's a pee flap
pull-out.

Check it out.
Okay.

It's very handy.

It's like a puppet.

Hello, I'm old and desperate.

Okay, so if the clothes
are gonna come off--

Okay.
Go in the bathroom.

You lose the shapewear.

You've got your underpants
on so you're good.

Right, right.

You check your teeth,
you fluff your hair bigger.

Yeah. And you're gonna be
good to go.

Oh, I dunno.
It's a lot to remember.

I just don't feel
like I can do this.

Well, of course, you can
and you know what?

I made you a checklist.

Do not, I repeat,
do not take off the heels

and do not
take off the bustier.

What if he asks me to?

You tell him no.

Believe me, it's not
a deal-breaker for him.

Bam.

JAROD:
You're really pretty.

SUZANNE:
Hah.

JAROD:
Do you mind if I say that?

No.

Oh, I-sorry, I have to,

uh, just have to go
to the bathroom.

Oh. Okay.
It's right there.

Need to take my purse
for girlie stuff.

Take your purse.

¶ A little spark ¶

¶ A smile and then a look ¶

¶ You caught my eye ¶

¶ And that was all it took ¶
( SUZANNE GRUNTING )

Oh, jeez.

Oh, my God!

( GROANING )

( SLAPPING )

Hey!

Go away.

Are you okay?
Yeah. No, I'm good.

I'll just be out
in one second.

( SLAPPING )

JAROD:
Do you need anything or...

No, I'm good.

I'll just--
just two seconds.

Sorry.

( WHIMPERING )

It's fine.

¶ I can't get enough ¶

¶ It all just seems so nice ¶

¶ It all sure feels good
To be alive ¶

( SQUEALING )

JAROD:
Oh, my God.

( GIGGLING )

Agh!

Oh, God, oh,
there's something--

It's a hair thing.
I got it.

Let me get it.
I got it, I got it.

Okay.
I got it.

It's a Bumpit.
It's a hair thing.

It's for making my hair big.

Oh. Thank you.

I'm so sorry.
Cool. It's like a hair toy.

That's fine.
It's weird.

It's not weird.
It's all right.

Hey, let's take this off.

No! No.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

Is that weird?

I would rather--
It's fine. No, I like it.

Really?
Yeah, yeah.

Mmm.

Oh, my God.

Do you mind--
let's go under the covers.

I'm really, really cold, okay?

Okay.

( GIGGLING )

JAROD: Oh!
( SCREAMING )

Oh, God.
( SCREAMING )

SUZANNE:
What? What? What?

Shh, get out.
Get out of there.

There's something
might be alive in there.

What?

There's something
that might be alive. Shh!

What is it?
( indistinct )

Oh, God!
( SCREAMING )

Shit! Oh, God.

Jesus, hold on, hold on.

Shh. What is it?

Oh, God.

What is it?

It's a boob thing.
It's my boob thing.

I just-ohh.

Wait, what are you--
what's--

It's a fake boob thing.
I wear it and I--

Why do you have
a fake boob thing?

Your boobs look awesome.
Stupid.

God, I'm an idiot.

You know what?
I'm just--

I'm just
not ready for this.

I just feel stupid and old.

You're not old.

Hey, you don't need
all this shit.

I mean, it's--
I liked it.

I mean, it's actually
pretty cool but--

it's kind of nice.

It just--
it freaked me out.

It felt
like an alien heart.

( LAUGHING )

I'm sorry.

I just--
you know what it is?

I just really
have not had sex with anyone

except my husband
for, like, a decade.

My ex-husband,

my ex-husband.

Hey, I have an idea.

What?

Shut up.
Just lie down.

Just stay there.

( KISSING )

Oh, you know what?
You don't have to.

Shh. I like it, okay?

Actually, I love it.

And I'm really good at it.

Like, really good at it.
So just relax.

Oh, yes, you are.

KIM:
He did a sacrifice fly?

SUZANNE:
What?

You know,
he just did you.

(INDISTINCT)

Yeah?
I reciprocated.

Ah, yes.

An inside-the-park home run.

Give it, c'mon, give it.

Good for you.

Oh, God.

See, wasn't that a good idea?

Yes.
Thank you.

It was.
Thank you very much.

KIM: Did he want to
snuggle after?

He wanted to snuggle with me

and one stuffed animal.

'Cause he's a big boy now.

( indistinct )
the other one.

He's a big boy now.

Hey!
Mm?

You want to go get
some ice cream?

Ye-es!
I have some in my freezer.

Sweet.
Let's go, let's go.

I hope you like
mint chocolate chip.

So we'll have to call it
an early night.

I got finals.

You're not a student.
What are you talking about?

JAROD:
I'm getting my MBA

through Malibu Beach Extension
and stuff.

Really?

Hey, are you, like,
a big fan of that actress,

Marcia Wallace?

I mean, sort of,
she's my mom, so.

Seriously?
Yeah.

God, that's funny.

She actually told me
to sleep with a student.

She probably didn't mean you.

My mom said that?

Yeah.
Funny, ain't it?

( GIGGLING )

Mm-hm.

MARCIA:
Jarod, you home?

Oh, hi, doll.

Hi.

Well, now,
isn't this awkward?

KIM:
Are you serious?

Yes.

Okay, but then
what happened?

SUZANNE: Oh, God,
then she yelled at me.

KIM:
It was her idea.

Yeah, you're right.
I would've killed you too.

SUZANNE:
Yeah.

I wish she would have
killed me.

I'm probably
gonna go get changed.

I would.
Yeah.

Thank you so much.
I'm so sorry.

I just-I gotta go.

Not another word.

I hope you can go out
with him again,

unless he's grounded.

( LAUGHING )
He's grounded.

He could get grounded.

He could get grounded.

SUZANNE:
God.

It's like a horror movie.

"Revenge of the Chocolate"
or something.

¶ Muffin top muffin top ¶

¶ You've got a muffin top ¶

¶ Muffin top ¶

¶ Ba-dum-bum-bum ¶

¶ Muffin top muffin top ¶

¶ You've got a muffin top ¶

That's it.
You are so fired.

( LAUGHING )

I gotta go.

Okay.
I'll see you.

Bye, honey.

Ooh, remember, don't knock up
the co-workers.

Don't worry.

Okay.

Bye.

Bye.
See you soon.

Okay.

( CLEARING THROAT )
I'm getting liposuction.

I know it's stupid.
I know I don't need it.

I just want it.
I just want it.

I want it the way
a middle aged man

wants a Mercedes Benz.

So what do you think?

You had me at
"I'm getting liposuction."

SUZANNE
Did you get my message?

I just want to do the Angelina
husband-stealing lip pouf.

All right.

I read this in Wikipedia.

You can take the fat
that you are gonna take

directly out of my butt--

DOCTOR:
Uh-hm.

And you can put it
into my lips.

So people can actually
kiss my ass.

( LAUGHING )

Okay, so what's happening now
is the meds are kicking in.

I feel good.

I can see that.
That's wonderful.

You know, we're not
gonna have this conversation,

though, about--
Can we please just do it?

I'm here.
No, we can't please do it.

I will give you money.

We're not gonna have the
conversation about, you know,

what procedures
we're gonna do or not gonna do.

We're not gonna do that
right now.

( CRYING ):
Did I tell you

that the woman
that stole my husband

has those lips, those--
they're beautiful.

Okay.

I'm gonna give you
a temporary injection

into your lips of saline.

That is going to give you
the pouf
that you're talking about.

Thank you.
It's temporary.

Is that my fat?

DOCTOR: It is your fat, yes.
SUZANNE: Ahh!

DOCTOR: Say goodbye.
Wave goodbye to your fat.

SUZANNE: It's yellow.
DOCTOR: Yes, it is.

It's like butter.
Yeah.

Which is perfect because
that's where I got it.

DOCTOR:
Mm-hm.

Can I keep my fat?

Can I keep it?

Suzanne,
if you sign a release,

I will give you your fat.

Oh, thank you.

'Cause, God knows,
it is your fat.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Yeah, keep your hands down.

That face mask
looks so pretty on you.

KIM: All right, pretty lady,
we're home.

C'mon.

We're home?
Yeah, come on.

Come on.

( indistinct )

Come on, BooBoo.

Yeah, hi, BooBoo.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay, okay, okay.

Do not drop that.

It's my fat.
All right.

I made it.

I know you made it.

And you know what?

Do we need to bring it inside?

I don't--
no, no, no.

Aghh!
Okay.

Oh, yeah,
you showed him, huh?

That was Michael, huh?

Okay, come on,
there we go, okay.

Don't--

Are we home yet?

All right, here we go.

Come on, here we go.

Here we go.

This'll be fun,
fun night, huh?

Yeah.

KIM:
We're almost there.

Okay, you did it.

Yay, you!

All right,
let's just get this off.

Okay, there.

All right, can you just--
no, just help a little bit.

All right.

Okay.

Okay, oh, wow, okay,
that's convenient, huh?

Yeah. Lucky you.

All right.
Oh, okay, there you go.

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no.

I can do it,
I can do it.

I know,
you're high as a kite.

Come here.

I'm so tired.

I know you're tired.

Get in it.

All right.

There you go.

Hey, okay.

All right.
At that New Year's Eve party,

did you or did you not
sleep with John Brady?

Uh-huh? Yeah.

I knew it.

I got to call Marilyn.

I knew it.

KIM: Hey,
Suzanna-ranna-danna-banana.

Time to get up, lipohead.

Come on.

Hey, Suze.

Did you forget you're speaking
on a panel today?

Morning.

Oh, God.

Honey, you got to get up here.

Okay, we got
a slight problem.

Just a slight problem,
but don't worry.

I called the doctor
and she said that it's
just an allergic reaction

to the lidocaine
in the saline solution.

And that you don't need to
worry about a thing

because it's gonna go down.

What's gonna go down?

It's gonna go down.

Oh, my God!

What happened?

Eventually, I mean, not today,
but it will go down.

It will.
( CRYING )

No, don't panic,
though, honey.

Don't panic.
Don't panic.

We can fix this.

Accessories.

What?
Yes.

No.
It's all about accessorizing.

Okay, here. Huh?

What? Hey.

Oh, is that the croc hunter?

No, okay, look.

Oh, my God.
There. Huh?

That's-it's stupid.

It draws the eyes upwards.

I got it.
Here we go, here we go.

Look at this,
look at this, huh?

What? Huh?

I don't want to
( indistinct ).

No one's gonna say anything.

It's racist if they did.

Hello.
What's she do to me?

She said it was
only gonna be temporary.

No, it is temporary.

It's just-actually,
I just want you to shut up.

Oh, my God,
what happened to you?

Linda, we're having
a little nip tuck situation.

Didn't you get my message?

No, what?
Remember that guy,

that new professor
I was gonna set you up with?

Yeah.
He's here.

Oh, my God.
He's on the panel.

No, please don't say that.

Oh, no, no, no.
Just don't talk, don't talk.

It's a panel.
She has to talk.

Don't know why
it itches so much.

Okay, honey, okay.
Calm down.

MAN:
Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome
Dr. Cameron Scott.

Cameron Scott,
this is Suzanne.

Oh, my God.

CAMERON SCOTT:
Jane Austen,

arguably the most widely read
English novelist in history,

never actually put her name
on her work because--

writing novels was
considered vulgar as a woman.

Every single one of her books
was published as simply,

"By a lady."

Suzanne,
what are your thoughts?

( LAUGHING )

Women writers have been
completely ignored.

( LAUGHING )

Cut it out.
What?

I'm really not
trying to be funny.

I just--

Stop it.
Why is everybody laughing?

¶ I don't wanna be
Someone else ¶

¶ I only wanna be myself ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

SUZANNE:
The personal is political.

Can a feminist
get plastic surgery?

To me, feminism means
I'm in charge of all my own
decisions about my own body,

even the stupid ones.

( LAUGHING )

This is two pounds
of my liposucted ass fat.

( GROANING )

I know, gross.

And I also had
a temporary lip pouf,

which, thank God,
has gone away.

I've spent my entire
academic career

studying pop culture

and, as of last week,
I became pop culture.

( LAUGHING )

( MUSIC PLAYING )

WOMAN:
Ooh.

SUZANNE: Internet video
has made it possible

for anyone to be
a celebrity overnight.

More people watched this
adorable dancing Pomeranian

than watched the network news.

And more people saw me
than the dog.

Which means
that my humiliation

was actually bigger news
than the news.

When you are going viral,
you have no idea.

You're just living your life,

clueless that your worst
nightmare has come true.

Millions of people
are laughing at you

because somebody captured
your most embarrassing moment

and is showing it
to the whole world.

Your viral video
has five million views.

Awesome.

No, Andrea,
it is not awesome.

That isn't the definition
of "awesome."

The Grand Canyon
is awesome.

Go clean your room.
Go read a dictionary.

I hate you.
Good.

That's what I was going for.

You know, Suzanne,
I found this in your room and--

( GIGGLING )
I was just wondering,

is there something
you want to tell me?

You know what?
It's a weight loss device.

Oh, it is? Look at
how skinny I'm getting.

Oh, stop it.
Just stop it.

( PHONE RINGING )
I will. Fine.

Oh, hang on.

Oh, God.

It's Hayes, my attorney,
we're closing this thing.

Hi.

What?

Are you kidding me? Oh my--

What? What did he say?

What did he say?

After I gave on the 401(k)?
Are you kidding me?

What?

Look, listen,
I have an agent here.

Hang on one second.

Michael wants his fancy
blender back and,

if he doesn't get it back,
he's gonna go for dog custody.

He cannot have BooBoo.
We will fight this.

( WHIMPERING )

SUZANNE:
Okay.

He says that for sure,
he would get half-time custody.

You know what?
Hayes, fine, screw it.

Just close it.
Let him have it.

He's not getting my dog.

Thanks.

I can't believe it.

I will get
the blender to him.

I'll make sure he gets it.

( MUSIC PLAYING )

Hi.

Hi.

I knew you were
gonna cheat on me.

What?

Oh.

( LAUGHING )
Yeah, I did cheat on you.

Listen, I'm really sorry.

I get it.
I get it. I get it.

We're not gonna date.

But I wanted to say
I'm sorry, though,

for that scene
with my mom.

Oh, well--

You know,
she's very dramatic.

And she's an actress,
so what are you gonna do?

I really enjoyed it.

You.

Me too.

I thought so, you know,

based on your reaction
at the time.

Yeah.
( LAUGHING )

I don't see why
we can't be friends.

Plus, you must be jonesing
for a decent latté.

I mean, no other barista
can satisfy you the way I can.

That is true.

True.
Thank you very much.

And thank you.

Okay, look.
I don't care what it costs.

It has to be delivered upright
and only to Michael Nicholson.

It's a very special package
for a very special person.

Enjoy, you douche bag.

And Marcia Wallace
called again, like, five times.

Really?
Yeah.

I'm just gonna email her.

Okay, but you did get
a big bouquet of flowers

from the Cheswick Fair Magazine

saying congrats
on the viral video.

What's that about?

I don't know,
but they're gorgeous.

Wow.

Oh, also,
Michael called again.

He sounded really pissed.

Ohh! Jesus.

( PHONE RINGING )

( LAUGHING )

Hi.

You are sick, Suzanne.
You need professional help.

I'll have you know

I've taken out
a restraining order.

Really?
Against my fat?

You know what?
Knock yourself out.

God.

Jeez.

Ah, I can smell it.

Aghh.

Elba, clean this shit up.

So did Michael get
his little gift package?

Yeah. Good one, Kim.

He's filing a restraining
order on me, okay?

And, uh-uh,
I have bigger problems

than you provoking my ex.

Marcia Wallace
is actually stalking me.

What?

I'm not kidding.

I have to go.
I have to go.

Bye. Bye.

( STEALTHY MUSIC )

Oh.
Suzanne.

Hi.
It's Cameron.

Cameron Scott.
Yeah.

I almost
didn't recognize you.

Without my crazy clown lips?

( LAUGHING )

I do like these better.

I just wanted to say
I'm sorry--

I'm really sorry and I--

( BOTH LAUGH )

Sorry.
I guess that's taken care of.

Listen...

I was wondering if you'd
like to have dinner with me.

Uh, insert lame excuse here.

Sorry?

Men always make
some lame excuse

for why they're asking
a pretty woman out to dinner.

Like, seeing that it's
a solar eclipse or something.

( GIGGLING )

So I thought
I'd maximize my chances

and let you pick
the lame excuse.

But pick something persuasive.

I'd love to
spend time with you.

Yes.
I-yeah, I'd love to.

Really?
Yeah.

Great.

When are you free?

Are you parked
under this building?

Yes.

Okay, this is gonna sound
really weird.

But I'm being stalked
by a sitcom star

and I could really
use a ride.

I hate when that happens.

( LAUGHING )

Sure, let's go.

I don't know where
but let's go.

Yeah.

( MUSIC PLAYING )

CAMERON:
Wow.

You'll do a lot to get away
from a beloved TV icon

whose kids you've shagged.

He's not a kid.
He's-he's 22.

Oh, God,
why did I tell you that?

I'm glad you did.

I'm going to get
a lot of mileage out of that.

Really?
Is that what you think?

It's what I hope.

What I'm wondering is,

if I'm the rebound guy
from the rebound guy,

what are my chances?

How scary is your mom?

She's five feet.

You can take her.

( LAUGHING )

Then we're good.

I just had a great idea.

What?

How do you feel
about weddings?

Oh, God.

Kind of like how boat people
feel about boats.

It's just that tomorrow
I'm supposed to go to

my ex-wife's new husband's
pregnant daughter's wedding.

Jeez.
And I was wondering

if you'd want to be my date.

Mmm, no.

You can meet
my whole crew,

including my snarly
body-sprayed teenage son, Ian.

That sounds deeply
unappealing.

I just really don't think
I want to go.

My divorce is
ridiculously friendly.

And my ex-wife's new husband
worries that I'm lonely.

Oh, my God.

Well, I guess you think
that just because I'm naked

I'm the kind of girl
you can take to a wedding

on a second date.

But the thing is,
I don't even have anything

to wear at a wedding.

The bride
is eight months gone.

Trust me,
it's not that formal.

Okay.

Fine, I'll go.

I'll go.
Thank you.

SUZANNE: Hey, Kim,
I won't be home again tonight.

I'm going to a wedding.

I know, I said
I hate weddings

but maybe they're better
with a better guy.

He's so nice.

( MUSIC PLAYING )

( SQUEALING )

( MUSIC CONTINUING )

It's just great how you all
are so friendly with each other.

Cameron moved to Boston
when I had some business there.

Trevor's a big success
in the profit business.

And so Ruth and I came here
when he got his professorship.

It's better for Ian, you know,
if we're all together.

Oh.
IAN: Yeah.

This wedding is so gay.

CAMERON:
In this instance,

gay means lame.

Dad, no one says lame.

Lame is gay.

RUTH: So sorry,
he's being dreadful.

CAMERON: I have to keep
reminding myself

my sweet boy's
in there somewhere.

You're an actually nice man,
aren't you?

I think so.

Is that unattractive?

No.

( LAUGHING )

What we have to do now is
to find someone for Cameron,

you know,
so that he doesn't feel

like such a third wheel
when we go on holiday together.

( LAUGHING ) You all go
on holiday together, I see.

Trevor has a private jet.

No, no, I just lease one.

Does the trick.

Wouldn't it be wonderful,
darling,

if these two, you know,
made a go of it?

( LAUGHING )

Yes.

How long's it been, Cameron?

Forty-four hours
and nine minutes.

( LAUGHING )

Right, right.

Well, probably
a bit early to say yet

but here's to the success.

Here's to success.
Thank you.

No pressure.

( LAUGHING )
Yeah.

It's really just
almost scary

how nice you people are
to each other.

Well, the fact
that there's been a divorce

doesn't mean to say there's
got to be any unpleasantness.

Really?

That was not my experience.

Suzanne, I knew
I'd find you here.

Yeah, every afternoon.

Yeah, it's kind of
our secret spot.

So don't tell anybody
I told you

but we had your initial
tenure hearing

and Deborah wants you out.

What?

ELISE:
This can't be happening.

Are you serious?
You're not--

Yeah, I'm serious
as a vampire bite,

you are
O-U-T.

She's my mentor.
This can't be happening.

She's really pissed
that you got a lipo

and did a lecture on it.

What about my, you know,
the personal is political?

That's how I teach.
That's what she teaches.

She says you're not
a real feminist.

Oh.
What?

Yeah, we vote on Friday.
She is gunning for you.

This is just like
when we were in high school

and all the popular kids
went on the big senior trip

but we stayed home
because we didn't go

and then we looked
at the yearbook

and we were, like, "Oh, my God,
that looked like so much fun,

I wish we would have gone."

But then the popular kids
were like,

"You should have gone.
I mean, it was so much fun."

But if we'd gone,
we would have just gotten hives

and would have gone
to the hospital.

Don't you see,
that's what this is?

No, it's about the lipo.

You know what she says

about the surgical
mutilation of women.

Look, I got
a breast reduction.

What?
'Cause they were too big.

I had to.
I stuff my bra for work.

No one knows.

I wouldn't have known.

You stuff your bra for work?

Okay, stop looking at 'em.

Yes, ma'am.
And keep it to yourself.

We'll say nothing.

Thank you.

Sorry, girl.

Thank you.

They look so real.

I never knew.
I never knew.

She's enormous breasts, still.

It's crazy.

RECORDER VOICE:
Call incoming.

Unknown caller.

Hello?

Hi, I'm calling
for Peter Durton.

Did you get the flowers?

( LAUGHING )
Why, yes.

But I have no idea why.

They're from Peter.

He's in town
for the Oscars

and he would like to
set up a drinks with you

at his private screening room

to discuss a book deal
through his publishing arm.

I'm sorry,
do I know you?

( LAUGHING )
Not me.

Peter Durton, the editor
of Cheswick Fair Magazine.

He also does books.

He rents a private
screening room

to watch the nominated films.

He has a suite
at the Peninsula

but it always gets him
depressed.

So and he can't possibly
watch the movies

on a regular television,
oh, that's a nightmare.

Anyway, can you do
Tuesday at 4?

I'm sorry,
how does he even know me?

From the Internet,
obviously.

Congrats on that,
by the way.

Hence the flowers.

Ah.

Tuesday at 4.
We'll see you.

I'm so glad you came by.
Can you stay for dinner?

Maybe.
Yeah.

What a day.

She was my mentor,
you know?

I was counting on this.

Well, you've got alimony,
I'm guessing.

No.

We had a prenup
and I didn't fight it

'cause I didn't really
want to get paid by somebody

to not have sex with them,
you know?

That's ethical.

I admire that but clearly
you need more wine.

Clearly.

I dunno, maybe
this Peter Durton thing

will turn out to be
something.

You're going?

Yeah.

You're not upset,
are you?

Date anyone you like.

It's not a date, okay?

His assistant said
it's drinks.

In his private
screening room

because he's bored
of his luxury hotel suite.

It sounds like a date.

Lunch is a meeting.

Drinks in a screening room
is a date.

Please tell me that
you are trying to be funny.

No, I'm dead serious.

But then again, I'm just
the rebound from the rebound.

There's a whole world
out there.

I just-- I thought
you were the nice guy.

Is it not Monday?

No, it is.

Good to see you, buddy.
You remember Suzanne.

Hi.

Oh, yeah, sure.
Hi, I guess.

Is she staying
for dinner?

No. No, I can't.

Thanks.
I have to go actually.

Thank you, though.

We can talk later, right?

Yeah, I'll give
you a call.

Bye, Ian.

Later.

( DOOR CLOSING )

That looked gay.

What happened?

She has a date
with a billionaire

who has a screening room.

That sucks.

Yeah. That it does.

I can't believe Deborah
wants to give you the ax
because you had lipo

when it's so obvious
that she's had Botox

and her hair colored.

Really?
How do you know that?

The same way I know
you had Botox.

God, like,
how do you even--

I am like CSI of beauty.

I know everything.

Mm.

Is there a night
where Deborah doesn't book

any events at school?

Yeah, tonight.

That's her "me" time.

Oh, I bet.

Well, we're going
on a beauty stakeout

'cause she's a goddamn
hypocritical skank in call "O."

I've no idea
what you're talking about.

Just trust me.

We're gonna
blackmail her bony ass.

( STEALTHY MUSIC )

( DOOR OPENING )

Get her.
Film it.

( WHISPERING ) My God.
That's Dr. Delaney.

She's the one
that did my lipo.

( WHISPERING ) Yeah. She's the
best in ( indistinct ) Botox.

Ha, ha, ha.

All right,
let's go look.

Yeah, let's go.
I'll film it.

Okay, you film it.

What is it?

Botox. God.

Aging gratefully, my ass.

She's such
a hypocrite.

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

You know,
I can't wait to see

the look
on her Botoxed face.

We are gonna nail her.

We already did.

You're a genius.

The March issue
closes today.

You need to understand
Peter's time is very valuable.

Oh, don't call him Peter.

What do I call him?

Nothing.

If he asks you to say
something to him, say it.

Otherwise, no name.

Okay, no names.

And don't look
at the house.

It belongs to someone
ridiculously famous.

Do not look at the house.

You can see but don't look.

And if he offers you
something to eat, eat it,

even if you're
allergic or whatever.

We'll get you
medical attention.

He's very proud
of his food.

Watch your step.
Don't look.

Okay, I'm not looking.

Jeez.

( GROWLING )

I'm Peter.
You can call me Peter.

We need champagne.

You like Dom?

You know, actually,
I never had it.

This is the good Dom.

There's bad Dom?

There's regular Dom
which is good.

Uh-huh.
Then there's the good Dom.

Thank you.

( INHALING )

Oh, my God.
Oh, that's nuts.

That's, like, amazing.

Told you so.
Yeah.

So, I want you,
to write a book for me.

Oh.

Angelique, cheese.

( INHALING )

Mmm.

You'll do good media.

I'm into thin slicing.

I don't know
what that is actually.

It's snap judgments
based on my instincts.

Oh.

I didn't even need to see
your whole viral video.

I get you.

He gets you.

He gets you without
listening to you.

That's why he's so genius.

His genius is that
he doesn't listen?

He hears
without listening.

Anyway, the book
is called "F the F-Word."

Discreet against feminists.

With you naked
on the cover.

Oh!

Not nips and pubes
naked, obviously.

Nobody wants to
see you naked.

Feminists suck.
Totally agree.

Me too.
( LAUGHING )

You know, I have to say,
I don't totally agree

because I wouldn't actually
call myself a feminist.

And that's kind of
important to me.

Right, right, right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Really, for me,
it's about the cover

and the media message.

You should really have
some of this cheese.

Comes from cows
that have had better lives

than most people.

I, uh, you know, I will--

Eat it.

I will try it.

I just, you know, I will
take this offer very seriously.

It's very tempting.
I--

Mmm, mmm.

Oh, my God.

That's what
I'm talking about.

That's cheese?
That's, like, amazing.

That's--
Don't say yes or no.

First of all, we're talking
significant six figures.

Second of all--

Mm-hm?
Just think about it.

BTW, I want you to be
my plus-one at the Oscars

and the magazine's party after.

( STAMMERING )

We'll give you clothes,
you know, hair/make-up team.

Yeah, we'll make you
look great.

Well, better, anyway.

Sorry, are you--

I mean, are you talking
about the Oscar Oscars?

'Cause that's crazy.
I'm not that kind of person.

Great.
She'll do it.

Perfect.

I've got to scoot.
I've got another drinks.

This, will be great.

DEBORAH:
This is pathetic.

You guys aren't cops.

You can't blackmail me
with DNA evidence of Botox.

My doctor isn't gonna violate
doctor/patient confidentiality

so this is just really stupid.

And the very fact
you even tried it

tells me
that my instincts about you

were right on, Suzanne.

You are so out.

CHRISTINA:
But unfortunately,

there's no hairdresser/client
confidentiality.

Oh, right.

Your hairdresser,

Rafael, she knows him.

And you go on TV,

bragging how you
don't dye your hair

when Rafael says you do
tops and tails,

but you're a lousy tipper,

which is a big mistake
for somebody

who expects confidentiality
from her pube dyer.

We're gonna make

a video with Rafael

and we're gonna
link it to Suzie's

fat lip video,

and everybody's gonna see,

just what a hypocrite you are.

And we're gonna
Auto-tune your pubes,

which is not good
for book deals

or "Today Show"
appearances.

Think about it.

You should think about it.

You nailed it.
You were amazing.

Well, I can't imagine her
fighting you now.

( PHONE RINGING IN BACKGROUND )

God, I hate hypocrites.

I thought we were just
gonna bust her on the Botox,

then you whip out
Auto-tuning her pubes.

( LAUGHING )

My God, that was perfect.

Honestly, I can't even
believe you would stay here.

I mean, that woman
represents

everything that's wrong
with the movement.

I know. I agree.

( PHONE RINGING )

Oh, hang on.

It's Cameron.
He keeps calling me,

and I don't want
to talk to him.

( PHONE RINGING )
He was just awful,

about that whole
Peter Durton thing.

I think you should
answer the phone.

( PHONE RINGING )

You know, I know
it's none of my business

but I feel like
I got to tell you something.

Peter Durton is a dick.

I slept with him
as a girl, years ago.

Wow.

Then you tell me about
this nice guy Cameron

who's all freaked out
about this rich guy

and, I mean,
what the hell.

Why is he freaked out
about it anyway?

Wait a sec, why am I freaking
about it?

Maybe I'm just jealous.

You know, it takes
a very unusual sort of man

to even want to consider
being with me.

I just, you know,

I would take a nice, normal,

slightly insecure guy
any day.

RECORDER VOICE:
Call incoming.

You answered.

Hi.

Hi.

Have you ever
seen the film,

"Harvey"
with Jimmy Stewart?

It's where Jimmy Stewart
honestly believes

he's got a friend,

who's a giant
invisible talking rabbit.

Yeah, I know the movie.

It's just my ex, Ruth,

she left me.

Trevor's a great guy and all

but they knew
each other before

and I guess
I'm a little wrapped tight

when it comes to women
I care about and billionaires.

I'm sorry.

I don't know
what that has to do

with a giant talking
rabbit, though.

Because I was
having a conversation

with someone who wasn't there:
Ruth.

Because she left me
for a rich guy.

I get it.

I'm sorry.

I probably came off
as crazy and jealous.

I'm sorry.

I was wondering,

if maybe, you wanted
to come over Sunday

and we could watch
the Oscars together.

I'm actually
going to the Oscars

with that Peter guy.

Wow, he's taking you
to the Oscars.

He gave me
that book deal.

That's great.
I'm happy for you.

Maybe we could--

Sure, just give me a call.

I'll call you.

I should let you go.

All right.

All right,
good luck with all that.

All of it.

¶ I will hold you
When you cry ¶

¶ Lay beside you
In the night ¶

¶ I am your best friend ¶

¶ For life ¶

RECORDED VOICE:
Message from Marcia Wallace.

Hi, doll.
You never returned my call.

I over-reacted.

I just wanted to say
I'm sorry.

It's just that sometimes

it's hard to take the bear
out of the momma bear.

I was wrong.
I'm sorry.

Look, I hate to harsh
your whole princess trip here

but I just read through
the book contract

from Peter Durton.

And, as your literary agent,
I have to tell you,

which I hate to tell you
because it is so much money

and I love money,
but it is the worst deal ever.

What? Why?

What's wrong with it?

It's indentured servitude
with better outfits.

I mean, seriously,
you have no creative rights.

He basically owns you.

He tells you
exactly what to write.

I mean, granted,
for a lot of money

and, seriously,
better outfits.

They literally
have the right to dress you.

What?

It's like
you're Author Barbie.

All right, well, you know,
we'll just negotiate with him.

I doubt it.

Look, you feel free

to stay here
as long as you want

and to write a book
that is actually good,

which I believe
that I can sell.

All right?

You know, granted
there's no guarantees but--

I can't keep
living here for free.

You keep doing
my grocery shopping

and you can stay here
forever.

And you have to play
Candy Land

with Sophie
any time she asks.

I love playing Candy Land.

I'm good at it.

Okay, well, seriously,
there's no strategy.

You just pick and what you get
is what you get.

I mean--
No.

When I play it,
there's strategy.

Oh, really?
You know how to, like--

I'm not telling you.
Okay, fine.

All right.

REPORTER: Welcome, everybody,
to the Oscars Red Carpet or,

as I know it,
the Prom of the World,

where I get to feel
like a buck-toothed wallflower

without a date.

You look fabulous.

Those hair and make-up people
are miracle workers.

Right.

BTW, Peter wanted me
to show you this.

You're gonna love it.

You are our new star author.

Congratulations.

Okay, but this is not me.

But it will be.

You should be proud.

Peter normally only spends
$10,000 on retouching

but he wanted
to fix everything

that was wrong with you,

so he put $15,000
towards it.

I--
You look great.

I should be proud--

Mm-hm.

That it cost $15,000
to make me presentable--

Yeah.
As an author.

It's a compliment,
obviously.

Obviously.

¶ I am beautiful ¶

¶ I don't wanna be
Someone else ¶

¶ I only wanna be myself ¶

Hi.

Hello, could you just make
a right at the next light?

What are you doing?

I just need a latté.

We don't have time.

Hi, new star author.

I say we do.

I am out of here.

Wait.
Where are you going?

You have to bring back
the dress and those shoes.

Have fun at the Oscar.

Should bring 'em back
dry cleaned as well.

¶ I don't wanna be
Someone else ¶

¶ I only wanna be myself ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ And I am beautiful ¶

JAROD:
Hey.

Wow.

You look fancy.

Thanks.

Can I show you one thing?

Yeah.

It's kind of funny.

Michael bought this same exact
coffee maker for our house

and I wanted
to be a good wife,

so I learned
how to use it.

Michael, being Michael,

he prefers
having coffee out

so, I've noticed lately

that you're kind of
short-handed around here

so I was wondering
if you would consider hiring me.

This is a good latté.
What do you think?

Yeah, sure.

Yes?
Yeah, sure.

Oh, my God.
Thank you so much.

I will take the job,

because, I need a day job

because I'm gonna try
to write a book.

That's awesome.
I'm so proud of you.

Thanks, boss.

So we'll talk
about this tomorrow.

I have to go.

It's a very long story.

Thank you.
Sure.

Thank you so much.
You're the greatest.

Bye.
See you.

I'm glad we're finally
getting the extra help

but you don't pay me enough
to dress like that.

REPORTER: We've got tons of
impossibly good-looking people

walking the judgiest
red carpet in the world.

The excitement
is palpable here.

We've got limo gridlock.

We've got--

If your cellulite
isn't packed into

at least three layers of Spanx,

a billion people will see
all the junk in your trunk.

( DOORBELL RINGING )

The Oscars are gay.
Going to Mom's.

He likes you.

What?

He's trying to be
a good wingman.

He loves the Oscars.

Is he homophobic?

Oh, no.
His best friend's gay.

Sometimes I think,

the only reason
to have kids

is to feel stupid
all the time.

You look gorgeous.

It takes a village,
apparently.

( MUSIC PLAYING )

Oh, that was so nice.

I'm a nice guy.

Yeah, I figured that out.

I don't know what to do
with a nice guy.

Would you like some pizza?

He took the meat lovers,
but I have some cheese.

You know, I would actually
kill for pizza.

ON TV: George, how are you?
How excited are you?

Yeah, I'm excited.

( MUSIC PLAYING )

Here you go.

Thank you.

Thanks.

¶ Now that we are
Both sharing ¶

¶ The moment
We fell in love ¶

¶ The moment
We fell in love ¶

Earlier this semester,

before my bad lip job
went viral,

I asked you guys who do you
think is a feminist icon.

And I've been
thinking about it,

and I think that here
in Deborah's department,

no one is.

I can't be honest with
my students about anything,

not even my own fat.

So,

I have actually
resigned my position.

What?
Yeah.

I know.

I'm gonna write a book,

which I'm really
excited about

but I'm also really terrified.

But the biggest thing is
that I'm just really

gonna miss all of you.

And so I decided to make
presents for you guys.

I hope you like them.

This shirt fits everybody.

It fits anybody that actually
really cares about equality,

regardless of gender.

Because to me, that's what
a feminist looks like.

And I just really
want to thank you

for letting me be
your teacher.

I've loved it.

( APPLAUDING )

Who wants a shirt?
Who wants a shirt?

Yeah.
I do.

What? Don't look at me
like that.

I'm gonna miss you
so much.

Oh, honey, oh, I know.
We're real friends.

I'm gonna see you
all the time.

Oh, don't.

Oh, honey,
it's gonna be fine.

( LAUGHING )

( MUSIC PLAYING )

Cheese!

¶ I don't wanna be
Someone else ¶

¶ I only wanna be myself ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ And I am beautiful ¶

¶ I don't wanna be
Someone else ¶

¶ I'm happy when
I'm just myself ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ And I am beautiful ¶

When I met Suzanne,

I thought one thing.

I thought,
"There's a woman."

And the second thing
I thought was,

and I don't
like to use this word

but in my profession
I have to,

"There's a fat woman."

And when she, God help me,

I hate to use this word too,

when she waddled
into my room and she,

and I hate to use this word,

"sat her fatness down,"

I tried to look her
in the eye.

But all I could do
was look her in the fat

and I thought,

"If I don't help
this woman now,

she'll be dead
within a week."

¶ I don't wanna be
Someone else ¶

¶ I only wanna be myself ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ And I am beautiful ¶

¶ I don't wanna be
Someone else ¶

¶ I'm happy when
I'm Just myself ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ And I am beautiful ¶

¶ Make me an offer
That I can't refuse ¶

¶ Make me a promise
That I can turn to ¶

¶ In times of need ¶

¶ So when I turn left ¶

¶ It's only me and you ¶

¶ And it doesn't bother me ¶

¶ To be so true ¶

¶ I don't know why
He does these things ¶

¶ I don't know why
You go with him ¶

¶ All the time ¶

¶ All the time ¶

¶ The earth continued turning ¶

¶ There was no lightning
From above ¶

¶ It was my hands
That were shaking ¶

¶ The moment we fell in love ¶

¶ It was my knees
That were trembling ¶

¶ And my nerves
That came undone ¶

¶ It was my heart
Pounding like thunder ¶

¶ The moment
We fell in love ¶

¶ And I hope you realize ¶

¶ What you see
Inside my eyes ¶

¶ Is a love
That never dies ¶

¶ I will hold you
When you cry ¶

¶ Lay beside you
In the night ¶

¶ I am your best
Friend for life ¶

¶ I've been trying
To put it into words ¶

¶ But the words
Don't seem enough ¶

¶ Perhaps when we stand here ¶

¶ And say "I do" ¶

¶ It's another moment
We'll fall in love ¶

¶ Perhaps when we stand here ¶

¶ And say "I do" ¶

¶ It's another moment
We'll fall in love ¶

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