Original subtitles

Al, why isn't anything happening?

It will, you just have to be patient.

Well, I don't want to be disappointed again.

Any minute now, trust me.

I know how this works.

Al, you did it. You did pay the electric bill.

Of course. Happy anniversary, baby.

Thank you, Al.

It's the perfect present for the gal who already has nothing.

Now, is there something I can do for you?

Yeah. Get in position, baby.

Oh, Al.

I can still feel you, Peg.

- I love you, Al. - Yeah, thanks.

Hey, Mom, Dad.

Kids, don't just burst in like that.

What if we'd been doing something intimate?

No, we have to turn on the television.

That lady Coco's on. The one with the beauty empire.

Yeah, she said she graduated from Polk High.

Supposed to be the most famous Polk High graduate.

The second most famous graduate.

I don't think this Coco broad scored four touchdowns in a single game.

Or would have played pro ball if it wasn't for a bum knee...

...and an even bummer wife.

Oh, there she is.

I have to say, you look great. Would you stand up for us?

So you attained this perfection by dieting and using your own products.

I'm very lucky.

I can eat anything I want and then get it all sucked out.

But my beauty products are just as good as surgery...

...and the money goes to me.

Oh, my God, I recognize her.

Her name isn't Coco, it's Helen Granowitter.

Peg, you remember her, she was a year behind us in high school.

I don't remember her. You really know her, Al?

Well, I don't want to say anything in front of the kids...

...but she co-piloted the starship Bundy a couple of seasons.

What do you think of your old dad now?

What?

Oh, come on, Dad.

You never had a beautiful woman in your whole life.

Seriously, Mom. Could you picture Dad with even a mildly attractive woman?

Really, Mom. Look at him.

What kind of woman do you think he possibly could get?

You didn't let me finish. I was gonna say, "He's got you...

...so why would he want a beautiful woman?"

Get out.

What did I do? I was just insulting Daddy.

They hear what they wanna hear.

Hey, somebody stop that guy, he stole my lunch!

Oh, my.

Hi, beautiful.

Hi, baby.

It's...

...just soda. It'll dry soon and leave a little stain.

Well, let's cut the charade. We both know why you're here.

Why are you here?

I've traveled the world trying to find a man...

...that can satisfy me the way you did.

Wait a second, wait a second.

Something's going on in here. Wait a minute.

Oh, it's just an ice cube. I thought I was passing a stone.

God, you're a pig.

I love it. I want you, Al. Travel the world with me.

Make love to me the way that only you can.

- Excuse me, I... - Get out!

- So you were saying? - I want you.

Well, I wish I could say I was shocked...

...and dry.

Look, I...

I know I look much the same as I did...

...when I was a strapping, sexy high school football star, but...

So it doesn't surprise me when you say you want me, but...

Look closely in the dead that are my eyes.

You'll see I'm married.

I'm sorry to hear it.

I'm sorry to say it.

But would you come home and meet my family?

You know, tell them you know me. You know, the sex stuff.

I'd like to impress the kids, you know.

Sure.

Good. I want you to come home for dinner.

We're having pizza.

You bring it.

So you are telling us that Coco, world-famous millionaire...

...is madly in love with you and bringing us a pizza.

It's not as hard to believe as that I could've had...

...a beautiful millionaire and instead ended up with you.

Lucky, huh?

Hello, Coco.

I'm so happy to see you.

Coco, meet the family.

Hey, you guys have to touch these stockings.

I think they're really made out of silk.

I'm not wearing stockings.

Come with us into our formal dining room.

I told you extra cheese.

I never met a woman could order a pizza right. Extra cheese.

How tough is it?

- You have a lovely home. - Yeah, right.

Enough meaningless girl small-talk.

Tell her about the legend of Al Bundy.

Tell them about OCD...

...One Cool Dude.

Al, you have a disgusting piece of cheese on your chin.

Everything tastes better from Al's mouth.

Catch me, Bud, I think I'm gonna faint.

Okay, Kel.

Kids, please.

Not in front of rich, world-famous company.

Coco... And I think I can call you by your first name...

...since you just ate off my husband's chin.

- tell me, why are you here?

Because no one has ever satisfied me like your husband.

Catch me, Bud, I think I'm gonna faint.

Okay, Kel.

I'll put this as plainly as I can.

I've still got the hots for the big lug, and I want to buy him from you.

So let me get this straight. You wanna buy him?

He's all that's missing in my life.

Well, he's missing in everybody's life.

But nobody wants to buy him.

Now, wait a second. I think we're missing what's important here.

You people are treating me like a piece of meat...

...and I must say that I like it.

I'm sorry, girls, I think I dropped a nickel.

Oh, my God.

I thought the moon was made of green cheese, and it is.

Jealous little ironing board.

Hey, you're Coco, aren't you?

I buy all your products.

You've been on parts of my body even she hasn't touched.

It's an honor to meet you.

I write you checks for a thousand dollars every month.

I owe my man's softness to you.

My man's softness comes naturally.

I'm glad you're here.

I'm being driven to the brink of madness by my dry thighs.

I cream, and I cream, and I cream...

...but still my pants wanna stick to my thighs.

Perhaps you should let the cream dry before putting on your pants.

I feel just like I did when I was a little boy and my father said:

"Shake it, son, and the women will pay."

You know, we have 8mm film...

...of his father fan-dancing for J. Edgar Hoover.

Hey, she didn't come here to talk shop.

She came here to purchase me as a sex toy.

Oh, this is impossible.

Someone wants you for sex?

What, do you have a pet orang-utan who's lonely?

And not picky?

Oh, I'm sorry. You two weren't properly introduced, I don't think.

This is Marcie, our next-door neighbor.

As you can see, she probably used...

...some of your vanishing cream on her breasts.

See? Not a trace.

Jefferson, pretend you're a man. What are you gonna do about this?

Well, I'm gonna do what every real man ought to do for his woman.

I'm gonna let the cream dry before I put on my pants.

Oh, yeah, I say the same thing, but a celebrity tells you...

...and you run, don't walk, to cream.

- Suck-up. - Bitch.

Take me.

You know, it could be worse.

Our neighbors could have been Siegfried and Roy.

Let's cut to the chase. I want to buy your husband.

I'll pay you $500,000.

Five hundred thousand dollars for this?

I don't get it.

But then I haven't been getting it for 20 years, so what's the difference?

We can't sell Daddy.

Mom, when you say "we"...

...I hope you mean "oui", as in French for, "Hell, yes, we'll sell Daddy...

...and collaborate with the Germans."

Ergo... Which is French for, "Yes, take our country...

...but please let us live to make our creamy sauces."

- I say we take the 500,000 and bid Daddy adieu.

Which is French for a deer, a female deer.

So in closing, I'd like to say one thing.

S-E-L-L, sell Daddy!

Dad...

...take a long, hard look at yourself, pal.

You tell me what other possibility there is out there...

...for a man made of fudge.

Snap out of it, man.

Sell your worthless damn body and soul.

It's better than selling shoes.

At least we'll finally be able to tell people what you do.

You'll be Al Bundy, male hooker.

Now, Al, promise me you won't do anything with Coco.

Hey, she paid 500 grand.

She wants the boodle, baby.

Well, then promise me when you're in bed with her, you won't enjoy it.

Because I think I can assure you that she won't.

Honey, this is a wonderful thing you're doing for your family.

I want you to know we're all very proud of you.

Mom, the limo's here.

Oh, Al, that's our limo to take us to our new lakeshore condo.

Well, honey, don't be a stranger. You know where we live.

Well, actually you don't. Oh, well.

Gee, I'll miss you, Al.

I'll miss you too, Peg.

Well, goodbye.

Oh, why, oh, why was I cursed with these good looks?

This rock-hard body, this "hold me" heinie.

Face that's a homing signal for hooters.

You are one fine $500,000 piece of beef.

Hi.

I've waited a long time, Al.

You...

You're on my side of the bed.

- What's the difference? - I don't know.

What if I roll out in the night and get confused...

...and go to the bathroom in the hall?

Okay. I'll move over.

Here. Is this better?

You got my pillow all warm. I don't like that.

Fine.

Let's get down to business.

You know, maybe you could get me a glass of water.

- Water? - Yeah.

Okay, in a glass or on the front of your pants?

We don't use glasses, but a paper cup would be nice.

It's just me.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything. I just forgot a few things.

He gets thirsty.

He likes his pillow cool.

Well, bye.

Oh, and I don't believe that you bought my pillow.

Well, stud, giddyup.

All right, get up.

Get up! That's my bed and my husband.

Here's your check and get out.

This isn't my check. It's just a piece of paper.

Gee...

...it's amazing how a page out of the TV Guide can look like a check.

Here.

Go buy yourself your own ring-around-the-collar worker.

This big lug is mine.

It's times like this I'm glad there's a Ben & Jerry's.

You're gonna buy ice cream?

No, I'm gonna go buy Ben and Jerry.

Gee, Al, I hope you're not mad at me.

I just couldn't stand the thought of you with someone else.

Even if it meant we were gonna get rich.

Well, I guess I couldn't be with anybody else either, Peg.

Even though she had more to offer than you in every possible way.

I guess we're just meant to be together, huh?

Yeah, I guess.

You know what I wanna do right now?

Yes, I do, and it's exactly what I wanna do.

I can still feel you, Peg.

I love you, Al.

Yeah, thanks.