Original subtitles

You know, Peg, it's kind of nice sitting here like this with you.

How many beers did you have tonight, Al?

Ten.

So I guess we're about a six-pack short of sex, huh?

At least.

Do I have juicy gossip.

It's about cousin Jimmy.

Did he find out our little Bud slept with his bride on their wedding day?

He must have. I heard he's getting a divorce and coming to see Bud today.

I think he's gonna squish the little love critter.

Well, here's the footstool of love now.

Family, this is my lucky day.

I was at school and there was one of the great parties in all of history.

A wet T-shirt contest.

Large-hootered Midwestern farm girls were sliding down...

...this beer chute half-naked.

There was dancing. There was loving. My first big frat party.

Just a great bunch of guys having the time of their lives.

And it took them a full 15 minutes to see me...

...peeking in the window and kick me out.

Dad, you should have seen them.

There were big 'uns. There were little 'uns.

Round 'uns.

Pear-shaped 'uns.

Here an 'un, there an 'un, everywhere an 'un-'un.

Sure, like I'm the only Peeping Tom in this family.

Well, I guess you deserve to know, tiny dancer.

Cousin Jimmy is on his way over to have a little chat with you.

Wha...? What do you think he wants?

Your bu... Butt in a sling.

Oh, my God, that must be Jimmy. You better run.

- Hi, Jimmy. - Hi, cousin Bud.

Hi, cousin Kelly. Hi, Uncle Al. Aunt Peggy.

Hello, cousin Buck.

It's too bad we only get together at weddings and funerals.

Step outside, Bud.

Oh, all right, I'll handle this.

Come on in, Jimmy.

We heard the news. Congratulations.

Anybody can eat 100 Whoppers.

No, I'm talking about the breakup.

Let's face it. You had the honeymoon, that's the best part of the marriage.

If it goes any longer, they turn into this:

Then, if you're really unlucky, you get these:

Then you turn into this:

Yeah, but she was the perfect woman.

She was beautiful. She was rich. And her parents are dead.

Boy, you must really wanna kill that guy.

Kill him? I want to rend him.

I want to rip off his arms, shove one of them down his throat...

...and have him tear out his own heart.

Anyway, Bud, I need to talk to you. Bud?

You crack me up. Now get outside.

I'll be right with you.

Dad, I don't want him to pull my arms off and rip out my heart.

All I did was sleep with his wife. What does he want from me?

Now, Bud, just relax. I know how to handle this.

I met a lot of big, stupid bullies when I was growing up.

Al, when you were growing up, you were the big, stupid bully.

Yeah, I was.

I was good at it too. But I wasn't just big and stupid.

I was also mean.

I used to scare people like your mother scares me.

Dad, can you ox around later? I'm facing death over here.

All right, all right. Now, here's what you do.

As soon as he opens his mouth...

...you punch him in the breadbasket with everything you got.

He'll drop faster than a stock after I buy it.

- Thanks, Dad. - All right, now go get him. Go get him.

Peg, looks like there will just be three of us for dinner.

Bud, I've got a dilemma.

This thing's really eating me up.

I gotta kill the guy that did this to me.

If only I knew who he was.

So you don't know?

All I know is that it's someone on this block.

I need your help. Find him for me. It'll be just like when we were kids...

...and someone was mad at you and I'd beat him up.

When he was unconscious you'd come along and kick him.

We were a great team then. Can I count on you?

- She really didn't tell you anything? - No.

I mean, not even that this guy was the best she ever had?

That he was good?

Or at least even better than a really tight pair of pants?

No, she said it really wasn't worth mentioning.

That bitch.

You're really mad, aren't you, Bud?

That touches me.

You let me know when you find this guy, because I want him bad.

Me too.

Jimmy doesn't have a clue.

He doesn't even know it was me.

And the greatest thing is, he's never gonna find out.

I mean, who's gonna tell him?

- Not me. - Not me.

Now, remember, Bud, that's 100 strokes.

Right, Kel.

Eight, nine...

...16, 44...

...99, 100.

Okay.

It's a good thing you didn't cheat, because I was counting along with you.

You're a good slave and a damn fine eunuch.

You're not gonna tell Jimmy, right?

Not as long as my little leprechaun keeps granting my wishes.

Now, don't forget to pick up my cleaning...

...hang up my pantyhose...

Oh, and try not to get tangled up in them this time.

Hey, you do good work. It's hard to believe you're straight.

Very hard.

Thanks for letting me use your flea brush, Buck boy.

No problem. I've been using your toothbrush for years.

Son, are we alone?

- Yeah, Dad. - Good.

Then you're the only one I have to get rid of.

Dad, I need to talk to you.

Why is it always me? Get a friend.

Dad, cousin Jimmy's going crazy. He says if I don't find out who it is...

...he's gonna go up and down the block and beat everyone up.

I put the whole block in danger. Am I doing the wrong thing by lying?

Don't ever say that, son.

The Bundy proud name was built on a philosophy of lying.

Well, lying and owing money.

And perhaps beer. Yes, lying, owing money, and beer.

Only thing that separates us from the Kennedys is they have the money.

Son, always remember the Bundy credo:

Lie when your wife is waking

Lie when your belly's aching

Lie when you know she's faking

Lie, sell shoes, and lie.

- So that really is our family credo? - No.

No, actually the family credo is:

Hooters, hooters Yum, yum, yum

Hooters, hooters On a girl that's dumb

But the father in me felt you needed a wholesome message at this time.

So lie to anyone you want as long as nobody gets hurt.

Dad, I'm afraid somebody will.

Well, then someone in the family doesn't get hurt, that's all.

- Cousin Jimmy is family. - Well, then the immediate fam...

See? This is why I don't like talking to you.

So do anything you want with anyone you want...

...just as long as you don't wear a dress.

Your cousin Jimmy beat me up.

And he tore my little horsy.

He thinks I slept with his wife.

Well, let him sleep with yours. That ought to be the end of him.

Look, he's your relative. Do you know anything about it?

Son, the Bundy credo.

Hooters, hooters Yum, yum, yum

Hooters, hooters On a girl that's dumb

No, no.

See, the boy means that we don't know anything.

It was the other credo, you idiot.

Are you okay, Mr. D'Arcy?

Never underestimate me. I can handle myself. I'm an athlete.

I run a lot, you know, to stay in shape.

So after he hit me a couple times, I took off.

He chased me, but I was too much man for him.

Left him in the dust.

The last time I saw him, he was puffing and panting.

Yeah, you pay when you go up against Jefferson D'Arcy.

What made him think you were the guilty one?

He said he was looking on the block...

...for a great-looking guy women find irresistible.

Sometimes I wish I looked like you two.

No, that's not true.

You slut.

Tramp. Hussy. Libertine.

I heard the whole story from that young man.

How dare you do the good and plenty with another woman.

And this is not the last thing you're gonna lose.

Look, I'm innocent. Marcie, think rationally.

If I wanted a young, pretty, sexy girl, I never would've married you.

Yeah, why go out for a succulent steak...

...when you got a dried-up strip of beef jerky at home?

Marcie. Marcie.

I just had a couch-off with Marilyn Strabits down the street.

She was telling everyone that she could out-sit me on the couch.

But after about 20 hours...

...she started cramping and crying about wasting her life.

Punk.

Peggy, Jefferson cheated on me.

Well, when you age and lose your beauty, men cheat.

It's not your looks that keeps me here, Peg.

It's mine.

I don't think I can get anybody.

Oh, I know I was asking for trouble...

...when I married such a good-looking man.

I mean, what do I have to keep a man like that?

This is where you, as my friend, are supposed to jump in...

...and say that I'm pretty and sassy and spunky, and yes, sexy...

...in that late-70s, New York, androgynous-band way.

Can't you at least say that I have a pleasing personality?

You'd give that to any fat woman.

You have a very nice personality, Marcie.

You bet your sweet ass.

But I know Jefferson cheated on me with that girl.

It had to be him.

The only males around at the time...

...were Jefferson, Bud and old man McGinty.

The old man can barely walk or go to the bathroom by himself, but still...

...there's not a woman on the block who wouldn't take him over Bud.

Hey, you wanna keep it down over there?

How far away do you think I am?

Peggy, what would you do if Al cheated on you?

Oh, that would never happen.

He's like a big old faithful hound dog.

Nobody wants him and he's not good for anything.

But I've had him since he was a puppy...

...and he has his cute little ways.

Excuse me, Marcie, I have to go.

Hey, now, what do you want?

You. You true-blue little pooh bear.

Take me. Take me in the rubble that is our bed.

Well, I didn't do noth...

Well, mister, I'll tell you this:

You're not gonna be getting into these pants ever again.

And I mean that literally.

I'm telling you, I'm not gonna let you wear these pants.

Well, obviously, you two people have a beautiful, healthy marriage.

But I can't be responsible for breaking it up.

This man didn't cheat on you.

I'm the stud. The stallion.

The king of them all, y'all.

I, Bud Bundy, am the irresistible one who broke up my cousin's marriage.

Ring, ring. Hello, Mr. Bud?

Yes, I do believe it's time for my hair appointment.

I got dweeb goo in my hair.

I'm telling Jimmy.

Save your breath, Hungry-Man dinner.

You have no hold over me anymore.

I've decided to tell Jimmy the truth and take what comes.

Oh, good, then I win twice.

You were my slave and now you're gonna be dead. Yay me.

But, you know, this has been very educational for me.

I always thought if you had sex, it would be the girl who died.

I'll be right back, Peg.

I must speak to the boy about his sin.

Bud, I must speak to you about the Bundy philosophy.

You must always tell the truth.

Dad, I thought you said the Bundy philosophy was to lie.

It is, son. I'm lying to your mother right now.

I have to get ready to go bowling.

So every time I point at you, say, "Yes, Dad."

And so I feel that:

Yes, Dad.

Yes, Dad.

Dad, I think what I did was wrong.

Good point, Dad.

Don't ad-lib, son.

Yes, Dad. Dad...

...I really don't feel good about myself.

Dad, I will never take something again that's not mine.

I swear this to you and the heavens above. I'll never do it again.

Son...

...I see you're hurting...

...so I wanna say this to you and I wanna say it sincerely:

Blah, blah, son.

We are not finished yet.

At least, I'm not.

Jimmy. I'm glad you're here.

I have something to tell you.

God, you're big.

I know who slept with your fianc�e.

- It was... - Who cares?

The past is just a frown turned upside down.

One must move on.

I have found my one true love.

Bud, meet Diana.

Dee Anna.

Whatever.

Isn't she great?

I don't know. I don't care. I don't even look at girls. I don't know.

Honey, I need to talk to Bud alone for just one second.

Bud, even though I just met her...

...I'm gonna go out and get her an engagement ring.

I don't know if I'm just in love with being in love...

...or if it's that I'm so stupid, I refuse to learn from my mistakes.

Well, maybe you're just in love with being stupid.

Yet a third possibility.

Listen, I gotta go...

...but I'm gonna leave her here with you, where she's safe.

Because I can trust you.

You're my best cousin, you're my best friend...

...and you're gonna be my best man.

Hey, you're getting pretty big.

Pretty soon, I'm not gonna be able to do this anymore.

How come you aren't looking at me?

Don't you like me?

No, you're a girl. Yuck.

I find your indifference intoxicating.

Look at me.

No.

This is thrilling.

Take me. Take me now.

You're my best cousin...

...my best friend and my best man.

Dad's right.

If she'll flirt with me, she'll flirt with anyone.

She'll just hurt cousin Jimmy.

I know what I have to do.

You're not good enough for my cousin Jimmy...

...but you're just perfect for me.

Strike.