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1
00:00:47,680 --> 00:00:51,309
Give us your tired, your poor,
2
00:00:51,384 --> 00:00:55,912
Your huddled masses
yearning to breathe free--
3
00:00:55,989 --> 00:00:58,253
And looking for
a government handout,
4
00:00:58,324 --> 00:01:01,487
a free lunch
and a dental plan too--
5
00:01:01,561 --> 00:01:05,156
the wretched refuse
of your teeming shore,
6
00:01:05,231 --> 00:01:07,597
your unwashed yellows and browns
7
00:01:07,667 --> 00:01:09,601
and all colors in between,
8
00:01:09,669 --> 00:01:13,002
Jews and gentiles,
Muslims and Hindus
9
00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:16,873
and anyone else
with funny hats,
10
00:01:16,943 --> 00:01:19,503
and we will make fun of them.
11
00:01:23,550 --> 00:01:26,519
And now the white ladies.
12
00:01:29,355 --> 00:01:32,290
Gosh, Nancy,
I just don't know what to do.
13
00:01:32,358 --> 00:01:34,155
What's the matter, Sue?
14
00:01:34,227 --> 00:01:36,661
Last week a man moved
into the house next door,
15
00:01:36,729 --> 00:01:39,698
and he's African-American.
But when we were introduced,
16
00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:42,792
I wasn�t over come with feelings
of rage or animal fear.
17
00:01:42,869 --> 00:01:46,305
Gee, Sue, sounds like you've met
a non-threatening black man.
18
00:01:46,372 --> 00:01:48,670
A non-threatening black man?
What's that?
19
00:01:48,741 --> 00:01:50,402
A male Negro
who fails to trigger
20
00:01:50,477 --> 00:01:53,173
the customary fight-or -flight response
in Caucasian women
21
00:01:53,246 --> 00:01:56,238
due to his nonspecific physical
and socio-cultural attributes,
22
00:01:56,316 --> 00:01:58,580
Like Al Roker or Bryant Gumbel.
23
00:01:58,651 --> 00:02:02,280
But if he's a non-threatening black man,
why isn't he a newscaster?
24
00:02:02,355 --> 00:02:05,984
Oh, Sue, not every non-threatening
black man is a newscaster.
25
00:02:06,059 --> 00:02:08,459
Some of them work
in advertising and politics.
26
00:02:08,528 --> 00:02:09,756
Is that allowed?
27
00:02:09,829 --> 00:02:11,091
In some states.
28
00:02:11,164 --> 00:02:13,462
Gosh, this is all so confusing.
29
00:02:13,533 --> 00:02:14,795
What should I do?
30
00:02:14,868 --> 00:02:16,995
Move. He may be
non-threatening to you,
31
00:02:17,070 --> 00:02:19,095
but your property values
won't know the difference.
32
00:02:19,172 --> 00:02:22,733
You're rig ht. I�ll go home
and start packing rig ht away.
33
00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:25,039
But what�ll I tell the kids?
34
00:02:25,111 --> 00:02:27,807
T el I them to fear people
who are different.
35
00:02:27,881 --> 00:02:30,145
Thanks, Nancy.
36
00:02:30,216 --> 00:02:32,684
What would I do without you?
37
00:02:32,752 --> 00:02:34,686
And now please join us
38
00:02:34,754 --> 00:02:36,688
in the singing
of our national anthem,
39
00:02:36,756 --> 00:02:40,055
performed today
by international recording artist
40
00:02:40,126 --> 00:02:44,119
and fourth runner -up
in the Miss Newark beauty pageant
41
00:02:44,197 --> 00:02:46,893
Miss Tarnished' Silver.
42
00:02:46,966 --> 00:02:48,957
Ahem.
43
00:02:50,904 --> 00:02:53,998
~ Oh say ~
44
00:02:54,073 --> 00:02:56,303
~ Can you ~
45
00:02:56,376 --> 00:03:00,836
~ See ~
46
00:03:00,914 --> 00:03:03,508
~ By the dawn's ~
47
00:03:03,583 --> 00:03:05,517
~ Early ~
48
00:03:05,585 --> 00:03:12,354
~light ~
49
00:03:12,425 --> 00:03:14,723
~light. light ~
50
00:03:14,794 --> 00:03:19,458
~light ~
51
00:03:19,532 --> 00:03:23,468
~ The dawn's so
fucking Early in the morning ~
52
00:03:23,536 --> 00:03:26,437
~ The dawn is
too fucking Early ~
53
00:03:26,506 --> 00:03:31,068
~ In the morning ~
54
00:03:31,144 --> 00:03:33,772
~ And this light, this light... ~
55
00:03:33,846 --> 00:03:36,508
~ Bom bom bom ~
56
00:03:36,583 --> 00:03:40,314
~ Dip-dip dee bom bom bom ~
57
00:03:40,386 --> 00:03:43,844
~ Dip-dip
dee bom bom bom ~
58
00:03:43,923 --> 00:03:45,823
~ Dip-dip dee bom ~
59
00:03:45,892 --> 00:03:48,690
~ Wah Wah Wah ooh ~
60
00:03:48,761 --> 00:03:51,195
~ Bom bom bom ~
61
00:03:51,264 --> 00:03:54,791
~ Dip-dip dee bom bom bom ~
62
00:03:54,867 --> 00:03:58,462
~ Dip-dip
dee bom bom bom ~
63
00:03:58,538 --> 00:04:00,506
~ Dip-dip dee bom ~
64
00:04:00,573 --> 00:04:03,041
~ Wah Wah Wah ooh ~
65
00:04:03,109 --> 00:04:05,543
~ Bom bom bom ~
66
00:04:05,612 --> 00:04:09,139
~ Dip-dip
dee bom bom bom ~
67
00:04:09,215 --> 00:04:12,810
~ Dip-dip dee bom bom bom ~
68
00:04:12,885 --> 00:04:14,853
~ Dip-dip dee bom ~
69
00:04:14,921 --> 00:04:17,913
~ Wah Wah Wah ooh ~
70
00:04:32,472 --> 00:04:34,906
~ Bom bom bom ~
71
00:04:34,974 --> 00:04:38,501
~ Dip-dip
dee bom bom bom ~
72
00:04:38,578 --> 00:04:42,173
~ Dip-dip dee bom bom bom ~
73
00:04:42,248 --> 00:04:44,216
~ Dip-dip dee bom ~
74
00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:46,809
~ Wah Wah Wah ooh. ~
75
00:05:13,179 --> 00:05:15,613
Well now, mister,
76
00:05:15,682 --> 00:05:18,480
are you ready to behave yourself
Like a good little boy
77
00:05:18,551 --> 00:05:20,485
and join the rest of the class?
78
00:05:20,553 --> 00:05:22,487
Well, I'm ready,
79
00:05:22,555 --> 00:05:26,218
but Can I ask you a question?
80
00:05:26,292 --> 00:05:28,385
Yes, Charlie.
What is it?
81
00:05:28,461 --> 00:05:31,988
What does a priest get
when he wants pussy?
82
00:05:32,065 --> 00:05:33,999
What?
83
00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:36,160
Nun. Get it?
84
00:05:36,235 --> 00:05:38,169
Shit! Fuck!
85
00:05:38,237 --> 00:05:40,171
Jesus! Ah, Christ!
86
00:05:40,239 --> 00:05:42,230
Ass rape! Help!
87
00:05:42,308 --> 00:05:45,243
I said quit it, you dyke!
88
00:05:45,311 --> 00:05:46,403
Uncle.
89
00:05:46,479 --> 00:05:49,073
Young man, one day
90
00:05:49,148 --> 00:05:51,639
you're going to
wind up in prison
91
00:05:51,718 --> 00:05:54,881
on your way to hell!
92
00:05:57,657 --> 00:06:00,023
I�ll show them.
93
00:06:00,093 --> 00:06:02,561
I�ll show them all.
94
00:06:02,628 --> 00:06:05,791
One day I'm gonna
make a movie
95
00:06:05,865 --> 00:06:07,594
with nothing but...
96
00:06:07,667 --> 00:06:09,601
jokes.
97
00:06:09,669 --> 00:06:12,433
A whole movie--
nothing but jokes.
98
00:06:12,505 --> 00:06:14,598
I don't follow.
99
00:06:14,674 --> 00:06:17,575
Look, you guys used
to be big-- huge.
100
00:06:17,643 --> 00:06:20,237
You went national,
Lampooning everything in sight.
101
00:06:20,313 --> 00:06:22,975
Before your �Saturday Night live,"
your Comedy Central,
102
00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:25,574
it was your guys' name
synonymous with funny.
103
00:06:25,651 --> 00:06:26,913
Better times.
104
00:06:26,986 --> 00:06:28,920
Well, this is
how you get it back.
105
00:06:28,988 --> 00:06:32,287
You forget all this
new media, viral video shit
106
00:06:32,358 --> 00:06:34,690
and you get back to the funny.
107
00:06:34,761 --> 00:06:37,059
Jokes are funny.
108
00:06:37,130 --> 00:06:39,064
- Just jokes?
- Dirty jokes.
109
00:06:39,132 --> 00:06:41,430
You want to make an entire movie out
of just dirty jokes?
110
00:06:41,501 --> 00:06:42,798
- You got it.
- Just one after another?
111
00:06:42,869 --> 00:06:45,064
- That's rig ht.
- But that's not a movie.
112
00:06:45,138 --> 00:06:46,400
I could be.
Look at "The Aristocrats."
113
00:06:46,472 --> 00:06:48,497
"The Aristocrats"
got a lot of heat.
114
00:06:48,574 --> 00:06:50,735
Maybe we should do
Something likes that.
115
00:06:50,810 --> 00:06:53,438
Yeah, but "The Aristocrats"
is a movie a bout a joke.
116
00:06:53,513 --> 00:06:54,878
Rig ht, so this will be
even better.
117
00:06:54,947 --> 00:06:59,281
What if we did a 90-minute
live-action "Aristocrats"?
118
00:06:59,352 --> 00:07:00,785
I love it. It pops.
119
00:07:00,853 --> 00:07:02,616
Did you actually see
"The Aristocrats"?
120
00:07:02,688 --> 00:07:05,122
- No.
- It's a joke a bout a family
121
00:07:05,191 --> 00:07:08,718
that sodomizes their children
and defecates all over each other.
122
00:07:08,795 --> 00:07:10,490
You think it's not a good idea?
123
00:07:10,563 --> 00:07:12,622
A boy fucking his mom
while her husband
124
00:07:12,698 --> 00:07:15,098
is h u m ping their
golden retriever in the ass?
125
00:07:15,168 --> 00:07:16,931
How would we even
shoot that?
126
00:07:17,003 --> 00:07:20,495
- Do a lot of it in editing.
- Sure, stock footage.
127
00:07:20,573 --> 00:07:22,507
Okay, so how are
we gonna film a guy
128
00:07:22,575 --> 00:07:24,304
shitting into
his daughter's mouth?
129
00:07:24,377 --> 00:07:25,344
CGI.
130
00:07:25,411 --> 00:07:27,345
Well, we're still
gonna need a star.
131
00:07:27,413 --> 00:07:29,210
Real or CGI?
132
00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:32,251
'Ca use what star is gonna shit
in a Little girl's mouth?
133
00:07:36,923 --> 00:07:38,481
It would prove he's not gay.
134
00:07:38,558 --> 00:07:40,355
He's not gonna
do that on camera.
135
00:07:40,426 --> 00:07:41,984
He doesn't work
with animals anyway.
136
00:07:42,061 --> 00:07:45,258
T rue true. Forget it.
No "Aristocrats."
137
00:07:45,331 --> 00:07:48,391
But I'm not sure
that a dirty-joke movie
138
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:51,835
is sending our brand in the direction
I think we should be heading.
139
00:07:51,904 --> 00:07:55,533
Are we talking a bout sick,
mind-numbing depravity,
140
00:07:55,608 --> 00:07:58,509
Gratuitous nudity
and cheap sex?
141
00:07:58,578 --> 00:08:00,045
If we do it rig ht.
142
00:08:00,112 --> 00:08:03,377
Look, tits alone aren't
gonna do it anymore.
143
00:08:03,449 --> 00:08:06,145
But tits plus funny
is box-office gold.
144
00:08:06,219 --> 00:08:07,880
Jokes are funny.
145
00:08:07,954 --> 00:08:10,616
So you get tits with jokes--
we're rolling.
146
00:08:10,690 --> 00:08:13,284
Lawyer jokes,
doctor jokes, blonde jokes?
147
00:08:13,359 --> 00:08:14,724
Midget jokes,
dead baby jokes.
148
00:08:14,794 --> 00:08:16,887
No no no no no,
no dead baby jokes.
149
00:08:16,963 --> 00:08:18,487
Okay, maybe
no dead baby jokes.
150
00:08:18,564 --> 00:08:20,498
What a bout racist jokes?
151
00:08:20,566 --> 00:08:22,864
Oh, that could get
a Little touchy.
152
00:08:22,935 --> 00:08:25,403
- There's a way to do it.
- How?
153
00:08:25,471 --> 00:08:27,996
A racist joke's only racist
154
00:08:28,074 --> 00:08:29,837
depending on who's telling it.
155
00:08:29,909 --> 00:08:32,901
We could get one of your minorities
to tell the racist joke.
156
00:08:32,979 --> 00:08:35,743
Could we have racist jokes
with the word nig--
157
00:08:46,492 --> 00:08:47,754
the N-word?
158
00:08:47,827 --> 00:08:49,692
No way, huh-uh.
It's out of the question.
159
00:08:49,762 --> 00:08:52,822
These days if you make a racial slur
in public, you know what they do?
160
00:08:52,899 --> 00:08:55,595
They send you to rehab.
And I am not going back to rehab.
161
00:08:55,668 --> 00:08:57,295
- Come on.
- No, he's rig ht.
162
00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:59,736
You know, I mean,
that's a bridge too far even for us.
163
00:08:59,805 --> 00:09:00,999
So how would this work?
164
00:09:01,073 --> 00:09:03,871
Look, hey, guys, it's simple.
165
00:09:03,943 --> 00:09:06,434
A guy walks into a bar,
166
00:09:06,512 --> 00:09:09,276
sees the bartender--
a beautiful woman--
167
00:09:09,348 --> 00:09:12,249
says to her,
"Give me five shots of whisky."
168
00:09:12,318 --> 00:09:14,411
She pulls up the glasses,
lays them down on the bar,
169
00:09:14,487 --> 00:09:16,284
starts pouring--
one, two, three, four, five.
170
00:09:16,355 --> 00:09:18,880
He's slamming them back
as fast as he Can.
171
00:09:18,958 --> 00:09:21,426
The bartender says,
"Celebrating something?"
172
00:09:21,494 --> 00:09:24,190
He goes,
"My first blowjob."
173
00:09:24,263 --> 00:09:27,255
The bartender says,
�In that case, let me buy you a beer."
174
00:09:27,333 --> 00:09:29,267
He goes, �No Thanks.
175
00:09:29,335 --> 00:09:31,997
If this doesn't kill
the taste, nothing will."
176
00:09:32,071 --> 00:09:35,632
Ba-dump-bump-crash!
There's your movie.
177
00:09:35,708 --> 00:09:37,266
But that's not a movie.
178
00:09:39,011 --> 00:09:41,138
U h! U h!
179
00:09:41,213 --> 00:09:43,147
Yes! Yes!
180
00:09:50,756 --> 00:09:52,690
Yes.
181
00:09:52,758 --> 00:09:55,022
U h!
182
00:09:55,094 --> 00:09:57,028
Oh baby.
183
00:09:57,096 --> 00:09:59,030
Oh, that was good.
184
00:09:59,098 --> 00:10:01,032
Oh, I really--
185
00:10:01,100 --> 00:10:03,034
I really gotta go now.
186
00:10:03,102 --> 00:10:05,036
Oh no, don't go
to work, baby.
187
00:10:05,104 --> 00:10:06,537
Let's go again, h u h?
188
00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:08,904
No, I've really gotta go to work.
189
00:10:08,975 --> 00:10:10,909
Oh please?
One more time.
190
00:10:10,977 --> 00:10:12,911
Oh, that's them. Hold on.
191
00:10:12,979 --> 00:10:14,947
Shh, be quiet.
192
00:10:16,315 --> 00:10:17,577
Hello.
193
00:10:17,650 --> 00:10:20,312
This is Donovan.
Where the Fuck are you?
194
00:10:20,386 --> 00:10:23,981
I'm sorry.
I can�t come in to work today.
195
00:10:24,056 --> 00:10:25,887
I'm sick.
196
00:10:25,958 --> 00:10:28,392
You're sic k? You don't sound sick.
How sick are you?
197
00:10:28,461 --> 00:10:31,089
Well, rig ht now
I'm fucking my sister.
198
00:10:39,939 --> 00:10:41,338
Hey.
199
00:10:41,407 --> 00:10:43,671
I'd love to get in your pants.
200
00:10:43,743 --> 00:10:45,973
That's disgusting.
Why would you say that?
201
00:10:46,045 --> 00:10:48,707
'Ca use I just took
a big shit in mine.
202
00:10:52,985 --> 00:10:54,953
Oh, this guy is fucked.
203
00:10:58,891 --> 00:11:00,290
Emergency room.
204
00:11:00,359 --> 00:11:02,293
Doctor, doctor,
I don't know what to do.
205
00:11:02,361 --> 00:11:04,192
My wife is going into labor
206
00:11:04,263 --> 00:11:06,254
and her contractions
are coming really fast.
207
00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:08,266
Okay, is this
her first child?
208
00:11:08,334 --> 00:11:11,235
No, this is her husband.
209
00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:17,568
I wish that was
Britney Spear�s ass.
210
00:11:19,645 --> 00:11:22,842
I wish that was
Paris Hilton's ass.
211
00:11:25,618 --> 00:11:28,052
I just wish it was dark.
212
00:11:30,756 --> 00:11:33,782
Good meeting, boys. Hey listen, kid,
you go work on those storyboards.
213
00:11:33,859 --> 00:11:35,121
- You come with me.
- Okay.
214
00:11:35,194 --> 00:11:37,458
That guy doesn't really
seem to get it.
215
00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,794
Are you sure he's the rig ht person
to direct this thing?
216
00:11:39,865 --> 00:11:40,957
He's non-union.
217
00:11:41,033 --> 00:11:42,660
Oh, say no more.
He's perfect.
218
00:11:42,735 --> 00:11:45,203
All right, so we�ll set you up
in a production office
219
00:11:45,271 --> 00:11:47,705
- Down nears the receptionist.
- I didn't see the receptionist.
220
00:11:47,773 --> 00:11:49,400
She died in
the World Trade Center.
221
00:11:49,475 --> 00:11:51,340
- Oh, on 9/11?
- No.
222
00:11:51,410 --> 00:11:54,208
We're gonna need
some real comedy c hops on this.
223
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:56,214
And you know who
we should get to write it?
224
00:11:56,282 --> 00:11:57,510
- No.
- My son.
225
00:11:57,583 --> 00:11:59,448
Oh sure, a trained monkey
could write this script.
226
00:11:59,518 --> 00:12:01,452
And not ask for residuals.
227
00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:04,819
Your only obstacle is
getting it past this boa rd.
228
00:12:04,890 --> 00:12:06,824
-leave it to me.
- Hey!
229
00:12:06,892 --> 00:12:08,826
Save your attitude, okay?
230
00:12:08,894 --> 00:12:11,021
These people have been
running the comedy business
231
00:12:11,097 --> 00:12:13,361
since Richard Pryor
was in short pants.
232
00:12:13,432 --> 00:12:15,457
And you don't get
in that kind of position
233
00:12:15,534 --> 00:12:19,436
unless you're a bunch of ruthless,
Cantankerous sons of bitches.
234
00:12:19,505 --> 00:12:22,406
If they smell fear,
they�ll rip off your balls
235
00:12:22,475 --> 00:12:24,409
and shit on your children.
236
00:12:24,477 --> 00:12:26,411
I don't have children.
237
00:12:26,479 --> 00:12:29,346
Just watch yourself.
238
00:12:36,021 --> 00:12:38,956
I-1 7.
239
00:12:46,866 --> 00:12:48,697
Give me my smokes,
you Fucking band it.
240
00:12:48,768 --> 00:12:50,668
B-2.
241
00:12:58,010 --> 00:12:59,204
Wow.
242
00:12:59,278 --> 00:13:00,472
You said it.
243
00:13:00,546 --> 00:13:02,810
Don't make any sudden moves.
244
00:13:06,352 --> 00:13:08,286
N-34.
245
00:13:08,354 --> 00:13:10,447
What's that?
246
00:13:10,523 --> 00:13:13,321
- God damn it, stupid Fucking--
- I made a stinky.
247
00:13:13,392 --> 00:13:15,155
My God.
248
00:13:15,227 --> 00:13:17,991
- G-51.
- Bingo.
249
00:13:21,934 --> 00:13:23,401
You cocksucker.
250
00:13:25,104 --> 00:13:26,696
I fucked your mother!
251
00:13:26,772 --> 00:13:29,002
Yes, you did.
252
00:13:29,074 --> 00:13:31,167
Take your medication, Dad, huh?
253
00:13:31,243 --> 00:13:33,541
- May I have your attention, please?
- Bingo.
254
00:13:33,612 --> 00:13:34,670
Rig ht.
255
00:13:35,748 --> 00:13:38,148
- I want my 45� back, you mother Fucker.
- Ladies and gentlemen.
256
00:13:38,217 --> 00:13:39,582
Bingo.
257
00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:42,888
- Can I have your attention?
- That's bullshit.
258
00:13:42,955 --> 00:13:45,446
Can I-- Can I have your attention?
259
00:13:45,524 --> 00:13:46,582
Mm m?
260
00:13:47,860 --> 00:13:51,921
It is my pleasure
to tell you a bout our new venture
261
00:13:51,997 --> 00:13:54,192
in feature film making.
262
00:13:54,266 --> 00:13:56,200
We're going to make a movie
263
00:13:56,268 --> 00:13:58,202
that is going to take this company
264
00:13:58,270 --> 00:14:00,670
rig ht back to its roots.
265
00:14:00,739 --> 00:14:02,570
You're on.
266
00:14:02,641 --> 00:14:04,233
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
267
00:14:04,310 --> 00:14:05,743
And first off,
may I say what an honor --
268
00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:15,745
U h, now this feature
269
00:14:15,821 --> 00:14:17,721
that I a m proposing
270
00:14:17,790 --> 00:14:20,122
- is a film made up...
- Help me.
271
00:14:20,192 --> 00:14:22,387
...entirely of jokes.
272
00:14:22,461 --> 00:14:23,587
What's the story?
273
00:14:23,662 --> 00:14:25,596
Good question.
274
00:14:25,664 --> 00:14:27,632
There is no story.
275
00:14:29,034 --> 00:14:31,764
It's jokes acted out.
276
00:14:37,843 --> 00:14:41,108
Just jokes?
You mean, like knock-knock jokes?
277
00:14:41,180 --> 00:14:44,115
Not exactly. These jokes are
gonna be a Little edgier.
278
00:14:44,183 --> 00:14:46,174
Like the chicken-crossed-the-road jokes.
279
00:14:46,252 --> 00:14:48,311
Yes and no.
A Little more "no" than that but--
280
00:14:48,387 --> 00:14:51,845
Well, I think there ought
to be whore jokes.
281
00:14:51,924 --> 00:14:54,757
What's the difference between
a non ion and a dead whore?
282
00:14:56,328 --> 00:14:58,762
I cried when
I cut up the on ion.
283
00:15:03,302 --> 00:15:05,497
- Okay.
- Very good, Eleanor.
284
00:15:05,571 --> 00:15:09,302
Why was there
4000 Mexicans at the Ala mo?
285
00:15:10,709 --> 00:15:12,802
They only had three cars.
286
00:15:20,786 --> 00:15:22,947
What's the difference
between a homo
287
00:15:23,022 --> 00:15:25,616
and a refrigerator?
288
00:15:25,691 --> 00:15:29,354
A refrigerator don't fart
when you pull out the meat.
289
00:15:44,076 --> 00:15:47,239
- That it?
- I think we're done here.
290
00:15:50,983 --> 00:15:52,951
I'm so gonna lose my license.
291
00:15:53,018 --> 00:15:54,349
Why is that?
292
00:15:54,420 --> 00:15:57,014
I Fucked three of my patients.
293
00:15:57,089 --> 00:15:59,023
Oh, who cares?
294
00:15:59,091 --> 00:16:02,549
My brother is a doctor.
He sleeps with patients all the time.
295
00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:05,859
Yeah, but is he a veterinarian?
296
00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:15,634
Hey, birthday boy.
297
00:16:15,708 --> 00:16:17,972
Your friends hired me
to come over here
298
00:16:18,043 --> 00:16:21,035
and give you some
hot super sex.
299
00:16:22,414 --> 00:16:25,212
I�ll take the soup.
300
00:16:25,284 --> 00:16:27,582
What's the difference
between a priest
301
00:16:27,653 --> 00:16:29,712
and acne?
302
00:16:29,788 --> 00:16:32,848
Acne doesn't come
on your face till you're 12.
303
00:16:32,925 --> 00:16:35,860
Fuck you, freak!
304
00:16:35,928 --> 00:16:37,919
Oh hey, cheap trick.
305
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:41,558
I told you, keep that on the corner.
Don't bring it in here.
306
00:16:41,633 --> 00:16:43,931
All I want is a drink.
307
00:16:45,771 --> 00:16:48,672
What the hell?
It's a slow night anyway.
308
00:16:48,741 --> 00:16:50,902
Tell me about it.
309
00:16:50,976 --> 00:16:53,911
You Can pay for this?
310
00:16:53,979 --> 00:16:58,348
Why don't you take it out of this?
311
00:17:05,124 --> 00:17:07,354
Got anything smaller?
312
00:17:16,101 --> 00:17:17,193
Excuseme,
313
00:17:17,269 --> 00:17:19,260
I'm looking for a big-time
Hollywood producer.
314
00:17:19,338 --> 00:17:20,999
Morty, my main man!
315
00:17:21,073 --> 00:17:23,303
Get over here, you big shit.
Come on, hug.
316
00:17:23,375 --> 00:17:26,572
A big big hug.
317
00:17:26,645 --> 00:17:28,272
That's a hug,
all right. Let go.
318
00:17:28,347 --> 00:17:30,838
- How are you doing, bubi?
- Oh, Can't com plain.
319
00:17:30,916 --> 00:17:33,942
You know, getting settled in,
a Little tight.
320
00:17:34,019 --> 00:17:35,611
Hey, no worries.
321
00:17:35,687 --> 00:17:37,450
Wait a minute,
you did something.
322
00:17:37,523 --> 00:17:39,616
There's something different.
323
00:17:39,691 --> 00:17:41,750
What did you do?
324
00:17:41,827 --> 00:17:43,988
I don't know.
What did I do?
325
00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:47,521
Oh wow, that's some
beautiful work.
326
00:17:47,599 --> 00:17:50,261
- $89.99.
- That's a great deal.
327
00:17:50,335 --> 00:17:52,303
Yeah, he owed me.
Have a seat.
328
00:17:52,371 --> 00:17:54,601
Yeah.
329
00:17:54,673 --> 00:17:56,937
So they went for it, h u h?
330
00:17:57,009 --> 00:17:59,705
Yeah, shim my in just a bit.
331
00:18:00,879 --> 00:18:04,076
Hit the button right there.
332
00:18:04,149 --> 00:18:05,377
Yeah, Can you believe it?
333
00:18:05,451 --> 00:18:07,612
Yeah, go fig u re.
334
00:18:07,686 --> 00:18:09,381
And how does this one go?
Nothing but riddles?
335
00:18:09,455 --> 00:18:11,753
- Jokes.
- Jokes, yes, jokes.
336
00:18:20,232 --> 00:18:21,995
- So?
- So I have an investor.
337
00:18:22,067 --> 00:18:24,001
Oh, beauteous!
338
00:18:24,069 --> 00:18:26,333
Yeah, a great guy too.
I know him from temple--
339
00:18:26,405 --> 00:18:28,805
real respectable, upstanding,
area I family man.
340
00:18:28,874 --> 00:18:30,603
He sponsors
my kid's soccer tea m.
341
00:18:30,676 --> 00:18:32,473
Oh, a nice guy.
What's he do?
342
00:18:32,544 --> 00:18:34,409
He owns those jerk-off booths
over on Eighth Avenue.
343
00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:36,641
N ice. So he Can put up
the whole nut?
344
00:18:36,715 --> 00:18:38,842
- People like to jerk off.
- Okay.
345
00:18:38,917 --> 00:18:40,509
He's in, but he does have
one condition.
346
00:18:40,586 --> 00:18:42,520
Oh dang it.
What, girlfriend an actress?
347
00:18:42,588 --> 00:18:44,522
Nah nah, when I told him
it was a joke movie,
348
00:18:44,590 --> 00:18:46,455
he said for his money he wants us
to make fun of the muklehs.
349
00:18:46,525 --> 00:18:47,890
He wants Arab jokes?
350
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:49,985
Yeah, they're dirty,
they ride camels, so forth.
351
00:18:50,062 --> 00:18:53,054
�Ride camels."
Consider it done.
352
00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:55,726
Fantastic.
Here you go.
353
00:18:56,969 --> 00:18:59,164
Oh, thank you, sir.
354
00:18:59,238 --> 00:19:00,398
You are welcome.
355
00:19:00,472 --> 00:19:02,406
So what stars
do you have for this movie?
356
00:19:02,474 --> 00:19:04,499
A Little too Early to tell,
357
00:19:04,576 --> 00:19:07,340
but we're talking
to Clooney's people, Matt Damon.
358
00:19:07,412 --> 00:19:08,436
Really?
359
00:19:08,514 --> 00:19:11,711
Hey, we just got a call.
Piscopo's out.
360
00:19:11,783 --> 00:19:14,047
Joe Piscopo's out?
361
00:19:14,119 --> 00:19:17,213
- Who's Joe Piscopo?
- Exactly.
362
00:19:21,326 --> 00:19:23,692
Mom my,
363
00:19:23,762 --> 00:19:26,253
where do babies come from?
364
00:19:26,331 --> 00:19:29,164
Well, babies--
365
00:19:29,234 --> 00:19:31,725
they come from the stork.
366
00:19:31,803 --> 00:19:34,397
Who Fucks the stork?
367
00:19:42,981 --> 00:19:45,415
Hello.
368
00:19:45,484 --> 00:19:47,418
Hello. Pardon me.
369
00:19:47,486 --> 00:19:49,181
I'm afraid I'm lost, you see.
370
00:19:49,254 --> 00:19:51,654
- Who are you?
- I'm looking for the Hopkins Inn.
371
00:19:51,723 --> 00:19:53,657
You with the government?
372
00:19:53,725 --> 00:19:56,193
No no, lord no.
I'm from London actually.
373
00:19:56,261 --> 00:19:57,751
London?
374
00:19:57,829 --> 00:20:00,627
Shit, you along way
from home, boy.
375
00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:03,759
What you do up in England?
376
00:20:03,835 --> 00:20:05,735
Oh, I'm a taxidermist.
377
00:20:05,804 --> 00:20:07,237
A taxi-what?
378
00:20:07,306 --> 00:20:08,898
A taxidermist.
379
00:20:08,974 --> 00:20:10,271
What's that mean?
380
00:20:10,342 --> 00:20:11,969
It means I mount dead animals.
381
00:20:15,514 --> 00:20:18,210
It's okay, boys.
He's one of us.
382
00:20:22,888 --> 00:20:24,947
Why Can't Arab children take
383
00:20:25,023 --> 00:20:28,823
d river's ed and sex ed
on the same day?
384
00:20:28,894 --> 00:20:31,954
Their camels get too tired.
385
00:20:32,030 --> 00:20:34,430
Arr!
386
00:20:34,499 --> 00:20:36,433
It's the damnedest thing, Doc.
387
00:20:36,501 --> 00:20:38,765
I've lost all hearing
on my rig ht side.
388
00:20:38,837 --> 00:20:42,170
I think I found the problem.
389
00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:45,233
You had a suppository
in your ea r.
390
00:20:46,545 --> 00:20:48,911
I guess I know
where my hearing aid is.
391
00:20:53,385 --> 00:20:54,818
Your battery is low.
392
00:20:54,886 --> 00:20:57,354
What?
393
00:20:57,422 --> 00:20:59,947
Your battery is low!
394
00:21:11,136 --> 00:21:13,661
Dad, you wanted to see me?
395
00:21:13,739 --> 00:21:16,139
Yeah, come in.
Close the door.
396
00:21:18,043 --> 00:21:21,035
You know that movie
we're doing?
397
00:21:22,247 --> 00:21:24,408
Look, it's just like
those e-malls
398
00:21:24,483 --> 00:21:26,951
you send me all the time,
so I want you to write it.
399
00:21:27,019 --> 00:21:29,510
But I've never written
a movie before.
400
00:21:29,588 --> 00:21:31,522
So? Before last year
401
00:21:31,590 --> 00:21:33,421
you'd never written
a novelty t-shirt before.
402
00:21:33,492 --> 00:21:35,119
Look what a good job
you did with those.
403
00:21:35,193 --> 00:21:37,127
I still haven't
gotten pa id for these.
404
00:21:37,195 --> 00:21:38,685
Oh yea h?
Well, we�ll look into it.
405
00:21:38,764 --> 00:21:40,698
Rig ht now we need some
dirty, filthy jokes.
406
00:21:40,766 --> 00:21:43,701
How dirty? I mean, Can we even
find actors willing to do that stuff?
407
00:21:43,769 --> 00:21:45,361
Actors are whores.
408
00:21:45,437 --> 00:21:48,167
That's one of the founding
principles of this business.
409
00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:52,040
One time in Nashville I got an actor
to jerk off on a noat meal cookie.
410
00:21:52,110 --> 00:21:53,873
On camera?
411
00:21:53,945 --> 00:21:56,880
No, but that's not the point.
412
00:21:56,948 --> 00:21:59,348
The point is they want
to be in a h it.
413
00:21:59,418 --> 00:22:02,854
And if this movie is
ha If as good as your t-shirts,
414
00:22:02,921 --> 00:22:04,855
we're gonna be on top again.
415
00:22:04,923 --> 00:22:07,517
Here, take this.
416
00:22:07,592 --> 00:22:09,150
- How's your mother?
- They had to amputate.
417
00:22:09,227 --> 00:22:11,593
Give her my love.
418
00:22:22,841 --> 00:22:24,775
Are you the manager?
419
00:22:24,843 --> 00:22:26,708
Actually, no.
420
00:22:26,778 --> 00:22:29,008
Oh.
421
00:22:29,081 --> 00:22:31,015
Can you get him for me?
422
00:22:31,083 --> 00:22:32,710
Well, he's not here rig ht now.
423
00:22:32,784 --> 00:22:35,617
Is there anything
that I could do for you?
424
00:22:35,687 --> 00:22:36,881
Yeah.
425
00:22:39,524 --> 00:22:41,958
Can you give him
a message for me?
426
00:22:42,027 --> 00:22:45,121
What message
should I give him?
427
00:22:45,197 --> 00:22:47,062
Tell him...
428
00:22:48,467 --> 00:22:51,868
there's no toilet pa per
in the ladies' room.
429
00:22:57,843 --> 00:23:00,641
What do a gynecologist
and a pizza boy
430
00:23:00,712 --> 00:23:02,475
have in common?
431
00:23:02,547 --> 00:23:04,742
They can smell it,
but they Can't eat it.
432
00:23:04,816 --> 00:23:07,216
Hey, Freddy taught me
some cool new swears.
433
00:23:07,285 --> 00:23:08,445
Yeah?
434
00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:10,852
Check this out.
435
00:23:10,922 --> 00:23:13,254
What do you want
for breakfast, Johnny?
436
00:23:13,325 --> 00:23:17,728
Fix me up some
Mother Fucking pancakes, bitch.
437
00:23:17,796 --> 00:23:21,129
You don't talk to me like that,
you Little bastard!
438
00:23:21,199 --> 00:23:24,225
Go to your room. Think a bout it.
You, what do you want?
439
00:23:24,302 --> 00:23:27,169
I don't know,
but it sure as shit ain't pancakes.
440
00:23:29,975 --> 00:23:31,340
Hi, Doc.
441
00:23:31,410 --> 00:23:33,469
So how have you been?
442
00:23:33,545 --> 00:23:35,809
I'm sorry, do I know you?
443
00:23:35,881 --> 00:23:38,441
Yes, you're the father
of one of my children.
444
00:23:38,517 --> 00:23:40,917
Oh my God.
445
00:23:40,986 --> 00:23:43,716
You're the stripper
that I Fucked at my bachelor party
446
00:23:43,789 --> 00:23:45,552
while your friend spanked me
447
00:23:45,624 --> 00:23:47,819
and shoved
a cucumber up my ass.
448
00:23:47,893 --> 00:23:51,351
No, I'm your son's
English teacher.
449
00:23:53,365 --> 00:23:55,196
How's your Yorkie?
450
00:23:56,301 --> 00:23:59,134
Hold on.
I just wrote this one down.
451
00:23:59,204 --> 00:24:01,968
How many Polacks
does it take
452
00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:04,008
to screw in--
453
00:24:04,075 --> 00:24:06,009
Funny.
454
00:24:06,077 --> 00:24:07,977
All right,
now what was it?
455
00:24:08,046 --> 00:24:11,607
I don't think you got
what I was saying in the script notes.
456
00:24:12,651 --> 00:24:14,744
What were you saying?
457
00:24:14,820 --> 00:24:17,812
What I was saying is
that if we just have
458
00:24:17,889 --> 00:24:19,857
nothing but jokes
one after another,
459
00:24:19,925 --> 00:24:22,325
there's no story.
460
00:24:22,394 --> 00:24:24,191
Which of these is funnier?
461
00:24:24,262 --> 00:24:26,196
- I don't care.
- Fair enough.
462
00:24:26,264 --> 00:24:28,198
What I was saying is
that I don't think
463
00:24:28,266 --> 00:24:30,200
anyone's gonna sit
through this entire movie
464
00:24:30,268 --> 00:24:32,532
without a story.
465
00:24:32,604 --> 00:24:33,866
That's all I'm saying.
466
00:24:33,939 --> 00:24:35,531
So what are you saying?
467
00:24:35,607 --> 00:24:37,632
We have to find
a narrative--
468
00:24:37,709 --> 00:24:40,405
a beginning, a middle
469
00:24:40,479 --> 00:24:42,413
and an end.
470
00:24:42,481 --> 00:24:44,972
So what if we take
471
00:24:45,050 --> 00:24:47,314
all the characters
from the jokes--
472
00:24:47,385 --> 00:24:49,319
the ma in characters
Like the dumb blonde,
473
00:24:49,387 --> 00:24:51,321
Little Johnny,
the pedophile priest--
474
00:24:51,389 --> 00:24:53,619
and we give them
a back story?
475
00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:57,892
Like what's-my-motivation
kind of shit?
476
00:24:57,963 --> 00:25:01,399
Yeah, like maybe Little Johnny spent
some time in foster care.
477
00:25:01,466 --> 00:25:04,492
Or the d u m b blonde used to be a guy,
and now she's gender -confused.
478
00:25:04,569 --> 00:25:06,366
- Maybe.
- Fuck no! They're jokes--
479
00:25:06,438 --> 00:25:08,406
setup, punch Line,
onto the next one. Come on.
480
00:25:08,473 --> 00:25:10,407
Look, even in a porno film
481
00:25:10,475 --> 00:25:12,807
the guy shows up
with the pizza.
482
00:25:12,878 --> 00:25:15,005
We know the girl
has ordered the pizza.
483
00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:18,174
We know he is there
to deliver the pizza.
484
00:25:18,250 --> 00:25:21,344
There is a story.
485
00:25:21,419 --> 00:25:23,683
So you want the priest
to deliver a pizza?
486
00:25:27,993 --> 00:25:29,255
I'm confused.
487
00:25:29,327 --> 00:25:30,760
You know what? Forget it.
488
00:25:30,829 --> 00:25:33,093
- I guess a priest could deliver a pizza.
- Never mind.
489
00:25:33,164 --> 00:25:34,563
Or a rabbi comes
to fix the cable.
490
00:25:34,633 --> 00:25:36,760
- Forget I even brought it up.
- Su it yourself.
491
00:25:36,835 --> 00:25:38,530
Other button.
492
00:25:38,603 --> 00:25:40,594
Good boy.
493
00:25:49,581 --> 00:25:51,572
A blue-ball joke.
494
00:25:53,118 --> 00:25:55,052
Mr. Siguera.
495
00:25:55,120 --> 00:25:57,054
Yeah, how is she, Doc?
496
00:25:57,122 --> 00:25:59,556
I have good news
and I have bad news.
497
00:25:59,624 --> 00:26:01,956
And the bad news is
the accident was very severe.
498
00:26:02,027 --> 00:26:03,961
She has a ruptured esophagus,
499
00:26:04,029 --> 00:26:06,259
so you're gonna have to feed her
through a tube dally.
500
00:26:06,331 --> 00:26:08,663
- Okay.
- We had to amputate both her arms,
501
00:26:08,733 --> 00:26:10,667
so you're gonna have to
help her in the bath room
502
00:26:10,735 --> 00:26:12,464
and pretty much wipe her ass
for the rest of her life.
503
00:26:12,537 --> 00:26:14,027
Oh God.
504
00:26:14,105 --> 00:26:16,972
There's gonna be a white milky discharge
coming from her vagina.
505
00:26:17,042 --> 00:26:19,875
Don't worry.
It's normal but very pungent.
506
00:26:19,945 --> 00:26:22,675
So make sure that you change
her diaper every three to four hours.
507
00:26:22,747 --> 00:26:25,648
Oh God.
What's the good news?
508
00:26:27,118 --> 00:26:30,110
I'm just kidding. She's dead.
509
00:26:35,894 --> 00:26:38,488
Hey, babe, you wanna fuck?
510
00:26:38,563 --> 00:26:42,226
Oh, I have a gynecologist
appointment in the morning.
511
00:26:42,300 --> 00:26:44,291
I can't.
512
00:26:53,578 --> 00:26:55,705
Do you have
a dentist appointment?
513
00:26:56,815 --> 00:26:58,749
So there we were
514
00:26:58,817 --> 00:27:00,751
in Africa on safari
515
00:27:00,819 --> 00:27:03,845
tracking a giant
man-eating I ion for days.
516
00:27:03,922 --> 00:27:05,981
Finally we made ca m p.
517
00:27:06,057 --> 00:27:07,820
And that night,
518
00:27:07,892 --> 00:27:09,826
just as I was falling asleep,
519
00:27:09,894 --> 00:27:12,727
the I ion tore into
my tent and roared--
520
00:27:12,797 --> 00:27:16,358
rr-arrgh!
521
00:27:16,434 --> 00:27:20,768
I shit in my pants.
522
00:27:20,839 --> 00:27:24,104
Oh. Well, that's okay.
If there was a I ion in my tent,
523
00:27:24,175 --> 00:27:25,642
I would have shit my pants too.
524
00:27:25,710 --> 00:27:29,646
No, not then. Just now
when I went "Rarr-gh!"
525
00:27:29,714 --> 00:27:32,046
I shit in my pants.
526
00:27:36,688 --> 00:27:38,622
Did you hear about
the Polish girl
527
00:27:38,690 --> 00:27:40,624
who dropped her gum
in the toilet?
528
00:27:40,692 --> 00:27:42,626
She chewed the shit out of it.
529
00:27:42,694 --> 00:27:45,128
Arr!
530
00:27:45,196 --> 00:27:54,594
~ Through the perilous ~
531
00:27:54,673 --> 00:27:58,507
~ Fight ~
532
00:27:58,576 --> 00:28:02,342
~ Everybody was
kung fu fighting ~
533
00:28:02,414 --> 00:28:04,405
~ Pick up a bottle and hither ~
534
00:28:04,482 --> 00:28:06,746
~ Upside her head now ~
535
00:28:06,818 --> 00:28:09,184
~ 'Ca use you're fine ~
536
00:28:09,254 --> 00:28:11,484
~ Don't want to get
your pretty face messed up ~
537
00:28:11,556 --> 00:28:14,992
~ I know I don't want to get
my pretty face messed up... ~
538
00:28:16,127 --> 00:28:18,061
All right,
having our first audition,
539
00:28:18,129 --> 00:28:20,393
ma king a movie,
having an audition.
540
00:28:20,465 --> 00:28:22,831
- Mm-hmm.
- Did you call the actors?
541
00:28:22,901 --> 00:28:24,493
The casting director does that.
542
00:28:24,569 --> 00:28:26,400
Right. Right.
543
00:28:26,471 --> 00:28:29,338
Having an open call,
544
00:28:29,407 --> 00:28:32,069
a cattle call, as they say.
545
00:28:32,143 --> 00:28:34,236
Come in, the first actor!
546
00:28:36,648 --> 00:28:38,582
Give it to me.
547
00:28:38,650 --> 00:28:41,448
What's the difference
between a pussy and a cunt?
548
00:28:42,487 --> 00:28:44,648
A pussy is warm, wet
549
00:28:44,723 --> 00:28:46,190
and feels awesome
on your cock,
550
00:28:46,257 --> 00:28:48,020
and a cunt's the bitch
that owns it.
551
00:28:48,093 --> 00:28:49,754
We�ll give you a call.
552
00:28:52,497 --> 00:28:55,864
What did one gay sperm
say to the other gay sperm?
553
00:28:55,934 --> 00:28:58,095
�How am I gonna find the egg
through all this shit?"
554
00:28:58,169 --> 00:29:00,535
Next!
555
00:29:00,605 --> 00:29:03,768
You hear a bout the guy
who had five cocks?
556
00:29:03,842 --> 00:29:05,434
A condom fit like a glove.
557
00:29:05,510 --> 00:29:06,602
Oh.
558
00:29:06,678 --> 00:29:07,804
Next!
559
00:29:07,879 --> 00:29:11,713
What do women and tornadoes
have in common?
560
00:29:11,783 --> 00:29:14,911
They moan when they come
and they take the house when they leave.
561
00:29:16,855 --> 00:29:18,823
- Thank you.
- He seemed fine.
562
00:29:18,890 --> 00:29:21,120
Oh, trust me.
563
00:29:21,192 --> 00:29:22,955
I know the funny.
564
00:29:23,027 --> 00:29:24,289
Next!
565
00:29:24,362 --> 00:29:26,455
How do you know
when your wife is really dead?
566
00:29:27,999 --> 00:29:31,264
The sex is the same,
but the dishes start piling up.
567
00:29:31,336 --> 00:29:32,496
Next!
568
00:29:32,570 --> 00:29:34,731
What do you call
a vegetarian with diarrhea?
569
00:29:34,806 --> 00:29:36,068
A salad shooter.
570
00:29:36,141 --> 00:29:39,668
Next. Next. Next. Next.
571
00:29:44,415 --> 00:29:48,749
What's round, long, hard
and has sea men in it?
572
00:29:50,088 --> 00:29:51,851
A sub marine.
573
00:29:51,923 --> 00:29:54,517
- Thank you.
- Hey!
574
00:29:54,592 --> 00:29:56,355
Let me, please.
575
00:30:07,672 --> 00:30:09,663
You got something, kid.
576
00:30:12,744 --> 00:30:14,678
I Can feel the funny
flowing from you,
577
00:30:14,746 --> 00:30:16,680
but you're just not letting it go.
578
00:30:16,748 --> 00:30:19,683
You gotta share the funny,
579
00:30:19,751 --> 00:30:21,616
draw us in with the funny,
580
00:30:21,686 --> 00:30:25,622
seduce with the funny
that God gave you.
581
00:30:28,459 --> 00:30:30,484
Take off your top.
582
00:30:30,562 --> 00:30:33,053
Okay.
583
00:30:34,465 --> 00:30:35,864
Okay.
584
00:30:41,105 --> 00:30:43,039
This is funny.
585
00:30:43,107 --> 00:30:45,803
All right,
Now let it flow.
586
00:30:45,877 --> 00:30:49,404
What's the difference between
a lawyer and a prostitute?
587
00:30:51,082 --> 00:30:53,516
A prostitute stops fucking you
once you're dead.
588
00:30:57,789 --> 00:31:00,758
Is that a boom mike in your pocket
or are you just glad to see me?
589
00:31:08,132 --> 00:31:12,432
How does a hill Billy girl
know her mother is on the rag?
590
00:31:12,503 --> 00:31:15,097
Her brother's d ic k
tastes really nasty.
591
00:31:27,852 --> 00:31:31,754
Were we really that funny?
592
00:31:31,823 --> 00:31:33,085
Hilarious.
593
00:31:33,157 --> 00:31:35,125
Y ay!
594
00:31:35,193 --> 00:31:36,751
You were so funny,
I think I ca me.
595
00:31:36,828 --> 00:31:38,796
Y ay!
596
00:31:38,863 --> 00:31:41,627
- We�ll call.
- Y ay!
597
00:31:44,202 --> 00:31:46,796
What did I tell you?
598
00:31:46,871 --> 00:31:50,034
The funny-- you could
Smell it off' em.
599
00:31:50,108 --> 00:31:52,042
I think I smelled
something too.
600
00:31:52,110 --> 00:31:54,044
- Whew.
- Excuse me.
601
00:31:54,112 --> 00:31:56,706
I tell you, this auditioning thing
is exhausting. I need a nap.
602
00:31:56,781 --> 00:31:59,272
- Excuse me.
- I think we still have a few actors left.
603
00:31:59,350 --> 00:32:01,910
No no no, tell them the shop is closed,
come back tomorrow.
604
00:32:01,986 --> 00:32:05,217
Hey, douche bags, I'm not here
to listen to you ladies yak.
605
00:32:05,290 --> 00:32:07,690
Who do I have to fuck
to get a part around here?
606
00:32:17,769 --> 00:32:19,703
I think I just got
a second wind.
607
00:32:19,771 --> 00:32:21,363
Hold all my calls.
608
00:32:21,439 --> 00:32:23,634
- You don't have a phone.
- Rig ht.
609
00:32:27,378 --> 00:32:29,972
Morning. Welcome to
the Hopkins Inn.
610
00:32:30,014 --> 00:32:32,141
A Little hair of the dog
that bit ya?
611
00:32:32,216 --> 00:32:34,776
Give me a drink--
Anything but gin.
612
00:32:34,852 --> 00:32:36,285
Oh, you're not
a gin guy, h u h?
613
00:32:36,354 --> 00:32:38,288
I hate that shit.
614
00:32:38,356 --> 00:32:40,950
I drank a whole fifth of g in
last night and blew Chunks.
615
00:32:41,025 --> 00:32:43,425
Oh buddy, you drink
a fifth of anything--
616
00:32:43,494 --> 00:32:44,825
you're bound to blow chunks.
617
00:32:44,896 --> 00:32:47,160
No, you don't understand.
618
00:32:47,231 --> 00:32:48,960
Chunks is my dog.
619
00:32:51,269 --> 00:32:52,861
A kid lost his gym shorts?
620
00:32:52,937 --> 00:32:55,337
Yeah, a pair of boys� gym shorts.
621
00:32:57,008 --> 00:32:59,533
These aren't boys' gym shorts.
These are girls' gym shorts.
622
00:32:59,610 --> 00:33:01,544
No, they're not.
It's a pair of boys' gym shorts.
623
00:33:01,612 --> 00:33:02,874
Look, I've been doing this
for along time.
624
00:33:02,947 --> 00:33:04,574
I know a pair of girls'
gym shorts when I see' em.
625
00:33:04,649 --> 00:33:06,549
Well, then you know
that those are boys' gym shorts.
626
00:33:06,617 --> 00:33:08,141
- You're wrong.
- Oh please, you're wrong.
627
00:33:08,219 --> 00:33:09,481
Look, these are girls' gym shorts.
628
00:33:09,554 --> 00:33:11,044
It's a pair of boys' gym shorts.
629
00:33:11,122 --> 00:33:13,056
Hey hey hey,
what's the problem here?
630
00:33:13,124 --> 00:33:16,184
He's put up a lost-and-found notice
for boys' gym shorts,
631
00:33:16,260 --> 00:33:19,093
and they're obviously girls'.
632
00:33:21,165 --> 00:33:23,099
Boys' gym shorts,
633
00:33:23,167 --> 00:33:25,328
but not from my parish.
634
00:33:25,403 --> 00:33:28,998
Where do you find
a one-legged dog?
635
00:33:29,073 --> 00:33:31,871
Wherever you Fucking left it.
636
00:33:35,013 --> 00:33:37,413
Get ready for along shift--
637
00:33:37,482 --> 00:33:39,416
a pileup on the Major Deegan--
638
00:33:39,484 --> 00:33:41,418
bus bringing 10 bodies.
639
00:33:41,486 --> 00:33:42,748
Damn.
640
00:33:42,820 --> 00:33:44,515
Did you finish
that autopsy report
641
00:33:44,589 --> 00:33:46,386
on the Jane Doe
we fished out of the river?
642
00:33:46,457 --> 00:33:48,322
Yeah, blunt force
followed by asphyxiation.
643
00:33:48,393 --> 00:33:51,123
Three days floating
in the Hudson didn't help either.
644
00:33:51,195 --> 00:33:53,129
You wouldn't believe her clitoris--
645
00:33:53,197 --> 00:33:55,131
Like a dill pickle.
646
00:33:55,199 --> 00:33:56,894
Green?
647
00:33:56,968 --> 00:33:59,698
The other mortician goes,
�Eh, a Little sour."
648
00:34:04,742 --> 00:34:07,040
It's a Little--
649
00:34:07,111 --> 00:34:09,511
"clitoris" is
a Little strong for me.
650
00:34:09,580 --> 00:34:11,844
Vulva?
651
00:34:12,917 --> 00:34:16,250
Okay okay, how a bout this one?
652
00:34:16,320 --> 00:34:20,552
Why did they bury
the dead homo face down?
653
00:34:20,625 --> 00:34:24,026
In case his friends wanted
to drop by for a cold one.
654
00:34:24,095 --> 00:34:25,187
No. God no.
655
00:34:25,263 --> 00:34:27,197
Oh, I like that.
Put that on the boa rd.
656
00:34:27,265 --> 00:34:28,664
No, do not touch
that marker.
657
00:34:28,733 --> 00:34:30,098
- Why not?
- Why not?
658
00:34:30,168 --> 00:34:32,830
Look, we're not doing
straight necrophilia jokes,
659
00:34:32,904 --> 00:34:35,372
so we're certainly not gonna do
gay necrophilia jokes.
660
00:34:35,440 --> 00:34:37,635
You got a problem with gay jokes?
Put it on the board.
661
00:34:37,708 --> 00:34:39,835
Do not touch that marker.
662
00:34:39,911 --> 00:34:42,175
Why? Since when is
gender preference
663
00:34:42,246 --> 00:34:44,271
any kind of factor
in Fucking a corpse?
664
00:34:44,348 --> 00:34:46,612
You say that like it's
from persona I experience.
665
00:34:46,684 --> 00:34:49,175
No, it's just that--
666
00:34:49,253 --> 00:34:51,084
you don't like gay jokes, do you?
667
00:34:51,155 --> 00:34:53,487
No, I--
668
00:34:53,558 --> 00:34:56,618
gay jokes are fine.
I�I like gay jokes.
669
00:34:56,694 --> 00:34:58,787
What are you talking a bout?
670
00:34:58,863 --> 00:35:01,423
- How Can you tell if you're at a gay picnic?
- How?
671
00:35:01,499 --> 00:35:03,729
- Al I the hot dogs taste like shit.
- Ha!
672
00:35:03,801 --> 00:35:06,736
That's not funny.
I don't have a problem. It's just not funny.
673
00:35:06,804 --> 00:35:09,466
- Yes, it is. Yes, it is.
- No, it's not. No, it's not.
674
00:35:09,540 --> 00:35:11,474
- You're gay, aren't you?
- No, I'm n--
675
00:35:11,542 --> 00:35:14,010
I've got a wife and three kids.
676
00:35:14,078 --> 00:35:16,569
Fine.
677
00:35:16,647 --> 00:35:18,979
No gay jokes.
678
00:35:19,050 --> 00:35:21,245
It's cool.
679
00:35:21,319 --> 00:35:23,651
I guess no Puerto Rican
jokes either.
680
00:35:23,721 --> 00:35:26,690
Puerto Rican?
I'm Jewish.
681
00:35:35,900 --> 00:35:38,334
Wait, hold on, hold on,
I got one.
682
00:35:38,402 --> 00:35:42,202
What do you call an open Can of tuna
in a dyke's apartment?
683
00:35:42,273 --> 00:35:44,332
Potpourri.
684
00:35:44,408 --> 00:35:48,139
See, now that's funny.
That is funny.
685
00:35:48,212 --> 00:35:51,443
So we can make fun of
the carpet munches but--
686
00:35:51,516 --> 00:35:54,508
it's cool. I get it.
687
00:35:54,585 --> 00:35:56,519
- Get what?
- Nothing.
688
00:35:56,587 --> 00:35:59,681
That is a fabulous belt
you're wearing, by the way.
689
00:35:59,757 --> 00:36:02,658
Oh, thank you--
I know what you're doing.
690
00:36:09,033 --> 00:36:11,593
Dad, I think my gym teacher's gay.
691
00:36:11,669 --> 00:36:13,102
Oh?
692
00:36:13,171 --> 00:36:14,866
Why do you say that?
693
00:36:14,939 --> 00:36:17,567
Because he closes his eyes
when I kiss him.
694
00:36:21,245 --> 00:36:23,475
I was so sorry to hear
a bout your wife.
695
00:36:23,548 --> 00:36:24,981
We were all praying for her.
696
00:36:25,049 --> 00:36:26,448
Thanks. Thanks so much.
697
00:36:26,517 --> 00:36:28,178
At least she's not
suffering anymore.
698
00:36:28,252 --> 00:36:30,311
She was in that coma
for so long.
699
00:36:30,388 --> 00:36:31,946
I know.
700
00:36:32,023 --> 00:36:34,514
Just when we thought
she might pull out of it--
701
00:36:34,592 --> 00:36:36,321
Really?
702
00:36:36,394 --> 00:36:38,726
They did everything
they could do.
703
00:36:38,796 --> 00:36:40,730
And then the doctor said
704
00:36:40,798 --> 00:36:42,732
some pleasurable stimulation
705
00:36:42,800 --> 00:36:45,360
might bring her out of her coma.
706
00:36:45,436 --> 00:36:48,234
He asked if she liked oral sex.
707
00:36:48,306 --> 00:36:51,139
Boy, did she.
708
00:36:51,209 --> 00:36:53,143
So he said
709
00:36:53,211 --> 00:36:56,112
some really vigorous oral action
710
00:36:56,180 --> 00:36:58,239
might take her out of her coma.
711
00:36:58,316 --> 00:37:00,250
So I tried it.
712
00:37:00,318 --> 00:37:02,081
What happened?
713
00:37:02,153 --> 00:37:05,850
I don't know.
I think she choked.
714
00:37:05,923 --> 00:37:08,323
Oh God,
I'm so ashamed, man.
715
00:37:08,392 --> 00:37:10,519
I know I'm going to hell
for the things I've done.
716
00:37:10,595 --> 00:37:12,586
- Oh? What have you done?
- Fucked people's pets.
717
00:37:12,663 --> 00:37:15,427
Oh, that�ll get you in.
You are going straight to hell.
718
00:37:15,499 --> 00:37:18,593
- How would you know?
- I'm getting my theology degree.
719
00:37:18,669 --> 00:37:21,399
- Really? Where?
- On Line.
720
00:37:21,472 --> 00:37:23,201
So what do they say
a bout hell?
721
00:37:23,274 --> 00:37:26,038
Well, it's really not so bad.
Do you like to get high?
722
00:37:26,110 --> 00:37:28,305
-love it.
- Well, you're gonna love Mondays.
723
00:37:28,379 --> 00:37:30,574
On Mondays
it's 420 all the time.
724
00:37:30,648 --> 00:37:33,378
You Can get as high as you want.
You Can do as much drugs as you want.
725
00:37:33,451 --> 00:37:35,112
You won�t overdose
'ca use you're already dead.
726
00:37:35,186 --> 00:37:36,210
Sweet.
727
00:37:36,287 --> 00:37:37,777
- Do You like to gamble?
- You bet.
728
00:37:37,855 --> 00:37:39,447
Well, you will love Tuesdays,
729
00:37:39,523 --> 00:37:41,457
'ca use you Can gamble
all you want and lose all your money.
730
00:37:41,525 --> 00:37:43,220
'Ca use you don't need money
in the afterlife.
731
00:37:43,294 --> 00:37:44,886
No alimony.
732
00:37:44,962 --> 00:37:47,453
- And are you gay?
- Fuck no, I'm not gay.
733
00:37:47,531 --> 00:37:50,500
Then you won't like
Wednesdays.
734
00:37:52,737 --> 00:37:53,795
I love you, man.
735
00:37:54,872 --> 00:37:57,500
I love you, man.
736
00:37:57,575 --> 00:37:59,304
I just love you so much.
737
00:37:59,377 --> 00:38:02,608
I wish I could love you that much.
738
00:38:04,782 --> 00:38:06,511
Oh shit.
739
00:38:06,584 --> 00:38:09,610
Oh Fuck Fuck Fuck. My wife's gonna kill me.
740
00:38:09,687 --> 00:38:11,450
Don't sweat it.
741
00:38:11,522 --> 00:38:13,888
No no no, she's gonna
Fucking kill me.
742
00:38:13,958 --> 00:38:16,950
I promised her I wouldn't drink.
743
00:38:17,028 --> 00:38:19,462
Now she's gonna
Fucking divorce me.
744
00:38:19,530 --> 00:38:22,988
No no, check this out.
This is what you do.
745
00:38:23,067 --> 00:38:24,625
- Tell her--
- Cut.
746
00:38:24,702 --> 00:38:25,964
Sorry. I'm sorry.
747
00:38:26,037 --> 00:38:27,664
This guy is awful.
748
00:38:27,738 --> 00:38:30,400
The truth is,
my hands were tied.
749
00:38:30,474 --> 00:38:32,704
He's the midget's brother.
It was a package deal.
750
00:38:32,777 --> 00:38:35,405
- Why do we even need the midget?
- Oh, gotta have a midget.
751
00:38:35,479 --> 00:38:37,811
Yes, but why do we
need that midget?
752
00:38:37,882 --> 00:38:40,043
Oh.
753
00:38:40,117 --> 00:38:42,142
That midget, my friend--
754
00:38:42,219 --> 00:38:45,552
oh, that midget--
755
00:38:45,623 --> 00:38:49,320
you have no idea.
756
00:38:49,393 --> 00:38:51,953
Like a mongoose,
757
00:38:52,029 --> 00:38:54,293
a shaved Little mongoose.
758
00:38:54,365 --> 00:38:56,833
Thank you.
759
00:38:56,901 --> 00:38:58,835
Do you know they make
special harnesses?
760
00:38:58,903 --> 00:39:00,632
Please please please stop.
761
00:39:00,705 --> 00:39:02,502
- Oh Fuck.
- Oh my God.
762
00:39:02,573 --> 00:39:05,906
Oh Fuck Fuck Fuck.
My wife's gonna kill me.
763
00:39:05,976 --> 00:39:08,240
�Don�t sweat it." Cut!
764
00:39:08,312 --> 00:39:11,145
- Don't sw-- sorry. I'm sorry.
- That's all rig ht.
765
00:39:26,797 --> 00:39:29,391
You fucking asshole.
I knew you'd stay out
766
00:39:29,467 --> 00:39:31,992
getting wasted with your friends.
767
00:39:33,637 --> 00:39:35,571
Some guy got sic k on my shirt
768
00:39:35,639 --> 00:39:38,005
and he gave me 20 bucks
to get it cleaned.
769
00:39:38,075 --> 00:39:40,635
Oh really?
770
00:39:40,711 --> 00:39:42,906
What's the other 20 for?
771
00:39:42,980 --> 00:39:46,711
That is from the guy
772
00:39:46,784 --> 00:39:49,412
who took a shit in my pants.
773
00:39:49,487 --> 00:39:52,422
Why don't women
in San Francisco wear miniskirts?
774
00:39:52,490 --> 00:39:55,425
Because you'd see their balls.
775
00:39:55,493 --> 00:39:57,427
I always knew you were crazy,
776
00:39:57,495 --> 00:40:00,123
but now I see you're nuts.
777
00:40:00,197 --> 00:40:02,062
Surprised, Little boy?
778
00:40:04,101 --> 00:40:06,433
- Hello, Father.
- Hello, Doctor.
779
00:40:06,504 --> 00:40:08,529
I've got good news
and I've got bad news.
780
00:40:08,606 --> 00:40:11,370
Okay, give me
the bad news first.
781
00:40:11,442 --> 00:40:14,468
The bad news is
you have terminal Cancer.
782
00:40:14,545 --> 00:40:16,945
- Oh my God.
- It metastasized through your system
783
00:40:17,014 --> 00:40:18,606
and there's nothing we Can do.
784
00:40:18,682 --> 00:40:20,877
So what's the good news?
785
00:40:20,951 --> 00:40:23,977
You know the nurse that
brings you your medication?
786
00:40:24,054 --> 00:40:25,817
- Yeah.
- I'm Fucking her.
787
00:40:25,890 --> 00:40:27,118
Oh lord.
788
00:40:28,259 --> 00:40:30,193
Good evening,
Ladies and gentlemen.
789
00:40:30,261 --> 00:40:33,128
Here's one for you--
what do you call a black hitch hiker?
790
00:40:33,197 --> 00:40:35,028
Stranded.
791
00:40:35,099 --> 00:40:36,828
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
792
00:40:36,901 --> 00:40:38,835
Why did God invent
the orgasm?
793
00:40:38,903 --> 00:40:41,838
So black people would know
when to stop Fucking.
794
00:40:41,906 --> 00:40:43,999
Hey, tough crowd.
795
00:40:44,074 --> 00:40:45,666
Hey, look here,
I got another one for you.
796
00:40:45,743 --> 00:40:48,337
Say, what's long and ha rd
on a black man?
797
00:40:48,412 --> 00:40:50,073
Hey.
798
00:40:50,147 --> 00:40:52,172
Ha! Third grade. Get it?
799
00:40:52,249 --> 00:40:54,547
Isn't he great?
800
00:40:54,618 --> 00:40:57,644
What, you don't like him?
801
00:40:57,721 --> 00:41:00,451
Look, we all agreed
the only safe way to tell a black joke
802
00:41:00,524 --> 00:41:02,048
is to have a black person tell it.
803
00:41:02,126 --> 00:41:03,684
And?
804
00:41:03,761 --> 00:41:06,730
Well, we couldn�t find
a black person willing to do that.
805
00:41:06,797 --> 00:41:08,094
Yeah, it's called self-respect.
806
00:41:08,165 --> 00:41:09,496
Yeah, so I got to thinking a bout
807
00:41:09,567 --> 00:41:11,660
all the great ventriloquist teams
of our times--
808
00:41:11,735 --> 00:41:14,704
your Bergen and McCarthy�s,
your Simon and Garfunkels.
809
00:41:14,772 --> 00:41:16,706
And it h its me--
you get a black puppet,
810
00:41:16,774 --> 00:41:19,242
he�ll be the one
telling the jokes.
811
00:41:19,310 --> 00:41:21,710
And why the clansman?
812
00:41:21,779 --> 00:41:23,041
I rony.
813
00:41:23,113 --> 00:41:24,478
Give us another.
814
00:41:24,548 --> 00:41:27,540
What did the black lady get
when she had an abortion?
815
00:41:27,618 --> 00:41:30,883
A $500 check
from Crime Stoppers.
816
00:41:32,389 --> 00:41:34,186
Good night.
Try the chitlins.
817
00:41:34,258 --> 00:41:36,192
Look at that.
You Can't even see his lips move.
818
00:41:36,260 --> 00:41:38,194
That's Because
he's wearing a hood.
819
00:41:38,262 --> 00:41:39,695
I know. Isn't it great?
820
00:41:39,763 --> 00:41:41,754
Could you take
the hood off, please?
821
00:41:45,603 --> 00:41:47,764
What the--
he's a goddamn China man.
822
00:41:47,838 --> 00:41:50,329
Hey hey! Hey.
823
00:41:50,407 --> 00:41:52,466
A Little sensitivity.
824
00:41:52,543 --> 00:41:55,171
Wing Thai is no China man.
825
00:41:55,246 --> 00:41:57,908
He's a Singaporean.
826
00:42:24,508 --> 00:42:26,100
That's a team player.
827
00:42:26,176 --> 00:42:28,201
Did he just call me a limp dick?
828
00:42:32,883 --> 00:42:35,443
Boys, would you look at that?
829
00:42:38,355 --> 00:42:40,789
I wish I could do that.
830
00:42:42,927 --> 00:42:45,122
I think you'd better
pet him first.
831
00:42:46,163 --> 00:42:48,222
I fucked your mother.
832
00:42:49,600 --> 00:42:52,262
Go home, Dad.
You're drunk.
833
00:42:52,336 --> 00:42:54,668
You know what
you want there, fell as?
834
00:42:54,738 --> 00:42:57,104
Yeah, I�ll just have the hamburger.
835
00:42:57,174 --> 00:42:59,438
And I will have the hot dog.
836
00:42:59,510 --> 00:43:02,138
Sure thing. Coming up.
837
00:43:06,050 --> 00:43:08,644
Be careful-- a hot plate.
838
00:43:15,292 --> 00:43:16,657
There you go.
839
00:43:16,727 --> 00:43:20,629
Uh, why was my hamburger
under your arm?
840
00:43:20,698 --> 00:43:23,462
I was keeping it
warm for you.
841
00:43:23,534 --> 00:43:25,263
Let's cancel that hot dog.
842
00:43:29,039 --> 00:43:31,405
Wrong names.
843
00:43:31,475 --> 00:43:32,942
Wrong.
844
00:43:33,010 --> 00:43:35,376
Wrong.
Wrong.
845
00:43:35,446 --> 00:43:37,778
Wrong.
Wrong. Wrong.
846
00:43:37,848 --> 00:43:39,509
Hey, T each, you got a Light?
847
00:43:39,583 --> 00:43:41,983
Johnny, when did you
start smoking?
848
00:43:42,052 --> 00:43:43,485
The first time I got laid.
849
00:43:43,554 --> 00:43:45,579
When was that?
850
00:43:45,656 --> 00:43:48,352
I don't remember.
I was drunk.
851
00:43:58,402 --> 00:43:59,767
Hello.
852
00:43:59,837 --> 00:44:01,862
Hello, son.
How you doing?
853
00:44:01,939 --> 00:44:03,531
I'm doing good.
854
00:44:03,607 --> 00:44:06,201
How is your rotation?
Have you decided on a specialty yet?
855
00:44:06,276 --> 00:44:08,210
I think I'm gonna go
into gynecology.
856
00:44:08,278 --> 00:44:10,212
Gynecology?
Why gynecology?
857
00:44:10,280 --> 00:44:12,373
I hear there's lots of openings.
858
00:44:12,449 --> 00:44:15,680
Excuse me,
may I ask you a question?
859
00:44:15,753 --> 00:44:17,050
Yeah, sure.
860
00:44:17,121 --> 00:44:19,055
If you woke up
at the top of a mountain
861
00:44:19,123 --> 00:44:21,591
in the middle of a snowdrift
with a black eye
862
00:44:21,659 --> 00:44:25,561
and a stinging pa in
in your rectum,
863
00:44:25,629 --> 00:44:29,292
would you tell anyone?
864
00:44:29,366 --> 00:44:31,493
Fuck no.
865
00:44:31,568 --> 00:44:33,399
Really?
866
00:44:33,470 --> 00:44:35,802
Would you like to go skiing?
867
00:44:41,011 --> 00:44:42,945
Hey, babe,
868
00:44:43,013 --> 00:44:46,881
how a bout tonight?
You wanna fuck?
869
00:44:46,950 --> 00:44:50,078
I have a follow-up visit
with the gynecologist.
870
00:45:02,066 --> 00:45:04,057
Are you seeing
the proctologist?
871
00:45:07,171 --> 00:45:10,197
What do you have for me?
And please give me something we can use.
872
00:45:10,274 --> 00:45:12,208
Okay okay,
how a bout this?
873
00:45:12,276 --> 00:45:14,369
What do you get
when you take a baby--
874
00:45:14,445 --> 00:45:17,175
Eh eh eh! I said
no dead baby jokes.
875
00:45:17,247 --> 00:45:18,908
- But it's not a dead baby joke.
- Save it.
876
00:45:18,982 --> 00:45:21,507
- It's not-- it's not a dead baby joke.
- U h-h u h.
877
00:45:21,585 --> 00:45:24,452
It's not. It's alive.
878
00:45:24,521 --> 00:45:26,250
What?
879
00:45:26,323 --> 00:45:29,486
The baby-- when you do the thing
880
00:45:31,428 --> 00:45:33,419
with the baby,
881
00:45:33,497 --> 00:45:34,862
it's alive.
882
00:45:34,932 --> 00:45:37,400
You're a sic k Fuck.
883
00:45:37,468 --> 00:45:39,402
No, I'm not.
Listen to this.
884
00:45:39,470 --> 00:45:41,597
- What do you get when you take a baby--
- I don't want to hear it.
885
00:45:41,672 --> 00:45:43,435
- What do you get when you take a baby--
- No, stop.
886
00:45:43,507 --> 00:45:46,476
I'm not listening.
I'm not li--la-lala-lala!
887
00:45:46,543 --> 00:45:49,011
Lalalalalalalalalalala!
888
00:45:49,079 --> 00:45:53,641
Lalalalalalalalalalala!
889
00:45:53,717 --> 00:45:56,948
He's rig ht. It's not dead.
890
00:45:57,020 --> 00:45:59,250
I don't want to hear it!
I don't want to know!
891
00:45:59,323 --> 00:46:02,121
- I don't want to hear it!
- But it's really funny.
892
00:46:02,192 --> 00:46:04,660
I don't care.
We are filming this.
893
00:46:04,728 --> 00:46:06,628
How are you gonna film
a dead baby joke?
894
00:46:06,697 --> 00:46:08,688
A stunt baby?
895
00:46:09,967 --> 00:46:12,595
You just don't understand funny.
896
00:46:12,669 --> 00:46:14,603
Dead baby jokes are not funny.
897
00:46:14,671 --> 00:46:16,639
- But it's not dead.
- Drop it!
898
00:46:18,041 --> 00:46:20,874
It's not a dead baby joke.
899
00:46:20,944 --> 00:46:22,935
I heard that.
900
00:46:25,849 --> 00:46:28,181
You really think a baby
could survive that?
901
00:46:29,553 --> 00:46:31,817
So I told her,
"Ass, gas or grass, bitch.
902
00:46:31,889 --> 00:46:33,823
Nobody rides for free."
903
00:46:33,891 --> 00:46:35,859
Hey, Brian.
904
00:46:35,926 --> 00:46:37,154
Do I know you?
905
00:46:37,227 --> 00:46:40,196
U m, it's Blair, remember?
906
00:46:40,264 --> 00:46:42,562
I met you here
at the toga party.
907
00:46:42,633 --> 00:46:45,500
We went up to your room, remember?
908
00:46:45,569 --> 00:46:48,163
You told me
I was a good sport.
909
00:46:48,238 --> 00:46:51,036
Hey, Blair baby,
how are you doing?
910
00:46:51,108 --> 00:46:53,167
Well, I'm pregnant...
911
00:46:53,243 --> 00:46:55,177
Oh shit.
912
00:46:55,245 --> 00:46:57,338
...and I think
I'm gonna kill myself.
913
00:46:57,414 --> 00:47:00,008
Wow, you really are
a good sport.
914
00:47:04,521 --> 00:47:06,455
May I ask you a question?
915
00:47:06,523 --> 00:47:08,457
Sure.
916
00:47:08,525 --> 00:47:10,686
If you woke up
in the middle of the woods
917
00:47:10,761 --> 00:47:12,695
with your pants
around your ankles
918
00:47:12,763 --> 00:47:16,290
and Vaseline smeared
all over your ass,
919
00:47:16,366 --> 00:47:18,163
would you tell anyone?
920
00:47:18,235 --> 00:47:19,668
Fuck no.
921
00:47:19,736 --> 00:47:21,670
Really?
922
00:47:21,738 --> 00:47:24,104
Would You like
to go camping?
923
00:47:27,077 --> 00:47:30,740
What's the difference
between erotic and kinky?
924
00:47:30,814 --> 00:47:32,748
Erotic--
you use a feather.
925
00:47:32,816 --> 00:47:35,376
Kinky-- you use
the whole chicken.
926
00:47:38,922 --> 00:47:40,389
You see, honey,
927
00:47:40,457 --> 00:47:43,449
this is the pig that I Fuck
when you have a headache.
928
00:47:43,527 --> 00:47:45,654
You idiot,
929
00:47:45,729 --> 00:47:48,721
that's a chicken, not a pig.
930
00:47:48,799 --> 00:47:51,165
I wasn't talking to you.
931
00:47:56,173 --> 00:47:58,437
What the Fuck?
What do you mean, you have no money?
932
00:47:58,508 --> 00:48:00,806
I got the boa rd
to sign off on this.
933
00:48:00,878 --> 00:48:03,847
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
It's my guy with the jerk-off emporium.
934
00:48:03,914 --> 00:48:06,348
He's having some liquidity issues.
935
00:48:06,416 --> 00:48:07,883
What the hell does that mean?
936
00:48:07,951 --> 00:48:09,441
He's been sent to federal prison.
937
00:48:09,519 --> 00:48:11,214
Oh Jesus.
938
00:48:11,288 --> 00:48:13,256
Prostitution?
939
00:48:13,323 --> 00:48:14,790
Actually no. It turns out
940
00:48:14,858 --> 00:48:17,190
his jerk-off booths weren't
handicapped-accessible.
941
00:48:17,261 --> 00:48:20,025
What the Fuck? I can�t get in here.
942
00:48:20,097 --> 00:48:21,894
The Supreme Court ruling
ca me down yesterday--
943
00:48:21,965 --> 00:48:23,956
�Harrison vs. ladyfingers"
944
00:48:24,034 --> 00:48:25,695
A five-to-four ruling.
945
00:48:25,769 --> 00:48:27,794
Clarence Thomas was
the deciding vote.
946
00:48:27,871 --> 00:48:29,668
Go fig u re.
947
00:48:29,740 --> 00:48:31,332
Well, where does that leave us?
948
00:48:31,408 --> 00:48:34,002
We always got plan B.
949
00:48:34,077 --> 00:48:36,671
It's not the lowest we've sunk.
950
00:48:36,747 --> 00:48:38,180
Okay, Morty,
thanks for dropping by.
951
00:48:38,248 --> 00:48:40,239
Thanks for the news.
Get out of here. We�ll call.
952
00:48:40,317 --> 00:48:42,444
Okay, I Can fix it with the jerk-off king.
I just need a day or two.
953
00:48:42,519 --> 00:48:44,077
We're fine.
I�ll call you. I�ll call you.
954
00:48:44,154 --> 00:48:46,088
Can I talk to you guys
for a second?
955
00:48:46,156 --> 00:48:48,590
- We're kind of in the middle of something.
- It's pretty urgent.
956
00:48:48,659 --> 00:48:50,354
I've been doing the projections
and we don't have enough money
957
00:48:50,427 --> 00:48:53,453
- to finish the shoot.
- How bad is it?
958
00:49:01,738 --> 00:49:05,003
For starters, we have to pull
all the midget jokes.
959
00:49:05,075 --> 00:49:07,009
You Fucking asshole.
960
00:49:07,077 --> 00:49:08,203
Ah.
961
00:49:08,278 --> 00:49:09,677
Fucking asshole.
962
00:49:09,746 --> 00:49:11,236
You Little punch Fucker.
963
00:49:11,315 --> 00:49:13,647
Eh, they're uppity.
We don't need their attitude.
964
00:49:13,717 --> 00:49:17,414
I loved that midget.
965
00:49:17,487 --> 00:49:19,478
You Fucked her.
966
00:49:21,591 --> 00:49:23,456
Losing the midget is
gonna hurt us overseas.
967
00:49:23,527 --> 00:49:26,963
What do you need?
Without the midget.
968
00:49:27,030 --> 00:49:30,124
I'm gonna need an extra $217.
969
00:49:32,202 --> 00:49:34,136
Well...
970
00:49:34,204 --> 00:49:35,899
that's not gonna happen.
971
00:49:35,973 --> 00:49:38,703
It's gotta happen.
I've cut every corner possible.
972
00:49:38,775 --> 00:49:40,970
And all the sets are starting
To look vaguely familiar.
973
00:49:41,044 --> 00:49:42,341
Stop worrying.
974
00:49:42,412 --> 00:49:44,004
We thought this might come up.
975
00:49:44,081 --> 00:49:45,139
What's this?
976
00:49:45,215 --> 00:49:46,978
- Plan B.
- Market research.
977
00:49:47,050 --> 00:49:48,517
- What for?
- To sell Commercials.
978
00:49:48,585 --> 00:49:51,019
- Commercials?
- Commercials.
979
00:49:51,088 --> 00:49:52,555
- You want to sell Commercials?
- Yeah.
980
00:49:52,622 --> 00:49:54,351
- In a movie?
- Never been done.
981
00:49:54,424 --> 00:49:57,552
Well, don't you think there's
a good reason for that?
982
00:49:57,627 --> 00:50:00,755
Oh, they're not commercials exactly,
More like sponsor ships.
983
00:50:00,831 --> 00:50:02,890
You take the most expensive jokes
984
00:50:02,966 --> 00:50:05,662
and you have them underwritten
by a corporate sponsor,
985
00:50:05,736 --> 00:50:08,296
- like...
- PBS.
986
00:50:08,372 --> 00:50:10,306
Rig ht, so for instance
987
00:50:10,374 --> 00:50:13,207
"This evening's violent
gay butt-rape joke
988
00:50:13,276 --> 00:50:16,439
will be brought to you by the
American Musical Theater Association."
989
00:50:16,513 --> 00:50:17,673
- You got it.
- Exactly.
990
00:50:17,748 --> 00:50:19,682
Yeah Well, while you're at it,
991
00:50:19,750 --> 00:50:22,719
all your black jokes Can be paid for
with ma It liquor ads.
992
00:50:22,786 --> 00:50:24,981
Actually, that's what
the market research says.
993
00:50:25,055 --> 00:50:27,956
I was kidding.
I have to be careful, you know.
994
00:50:28,025 --> 00:50:30,016
Some of my best friends are black.
995
00:50:32,629 --> 00:50:34,563
Okay, you're rig ht.
They're not.
996
00:50:34,631 --> 00:50:36,565
It�ll be fine.
997
00:50:36,633 --> 00:50:38,567
The commercials
will be done tastefully.
998
00:50:38,635 --> 00:50:42,298
Seamlessly. The audience won't
even know it's happening.
999
00:50:44,074 --> 00:50:46,702
When I was a boy,
g rowing up here
1000
00:50:46,777 --> 00:50:49,302
in the Smoky Mountains
of Tennessee,
1001
00:50:49,379 --> 00:50:52,473
my g rand pa used to
take me trout fishing.
1002
00:50:52,549 --> 00:50:54,983
And every fishing tri p we'd take,
1003
00:50:55,052 --> 00:50:57,247
he'd be sure to bring along
1004
00:50:57,320 --> 00:51:00,551
a Can of little Vienna Sausages.
1005
00:51:00,624 --> 00:51:03,525
'Cause little Vienna Sausages
1006
00:51:03,593 --> 00:51:06,255
are more than just artificial gelatin
1007
00:51:06,329 --> 00:51:08,661
And leftover cattle feces.
1008
00:51:08,732 --> 00:51:11,098
They're a parTof g rowing up.
1009
00:51:11,168 --> 00:51:13,102
Around lunchtime
1010
00:51:13,170 --> 00:51:15,104
I'd go digging in his rucksack
1011
00:51:15,172 --> 00:51:17,572
and I'd eat up the whole Can.
1012
00:51:17,641 --> 00:51:20,041
Boy, it'd give me the shits
1013
00:51:20,110 --> 00:51:21,805
something terrible.
1014
00:51:21,878 --> 00:51:25,006
I guess I was just
too young to know better.
1015
00:51:25,082 --> 00:51:27,812
And G rand pa--
Well, by that point
1016
00:51:27,884 --> 00:51:30,546
he was just too drunk to care.
1017
00:51:30,620 --> 00:51:33,487
We never did catch many fish,
1018
00:51:33,557 --> 00:51:37,152
but it didn't matter so much.
1019
00:51:37,227 --> 00:51:40,196
Thanks to my
Little Vienna Sausages,
1020
00:51:40,263 --> 00:51:43,130
I'd usually be stuck on the toilet
1021
00:51:43,200 --> 00:51:47,330
by the time Grandpa started
ranting a bout Com m u n ism
1022
00:51:47,404 --> 00:51:50,567
and beating his woman.
1023
00:51:50,640 --> 00:51:52,574
Little Vienna Sausages.
1024
00:51:52,642 --> 00:51:56,339
Just a Little taste of America.
1025
00:52:02,686 --> 00:52:04,620
I'm telling you,
my guy's gonna come through.
1026
00:52:04,688 --> 00:52:06,713
Morty, look, little Vienna Sausages
came through.
1027
00:52:06,790 --> 00:52:08,951
Between the commercials
and product placements, we're fine.
1028
00:52:09,025 --> 00:52:10,686
- So I can take the whole box?
- Please.
1029
00:52:10,760 --> 00:52:13,490
Look who's living large. So what are
you gonna do with all this money?
1030
00:52:13,563 --> 00:52:15,428
Are you gonna get
a big movie star for your movie?
1031
00:52:15,499 --> 00:52:16,932
I hear Rod Steiger's out of work.
1032
00:52:17,000 --> 00:52:18,262
Rod Steiger's dead.
1033
00:52:18,335 --> 00:52:21,099
Rig ht, there you go.
How a bout Scott Baio?
1034
00:52:21,171 --> 00:52:22,604
Eh.
1035
00:52:22,672 --> 00:52:24,299
- Fred Thompson?
- No.
1036
00:52:24,374 --> 00:52:25,671
Richard Gere.
1037
00:52:25,742 --> 00:52:27,573
Richard Gere? "An Officer
and a Gentleman" Richard Gere?
1038
00:52:27,644 --> 00:52:30,044
What the hell would he do
with racist bestiality joke movie?
1039
00:52:30,113 --> 00:52:32,047
I don't know. He might be into it.
1040
00:52:32,115 --> 00:52:34,310
- You've heard those stories a bout him.
- What stories?
1041
00:52:34,384 --> 00:52:35,908
- You know.
- Know what?
1042
00:52:35,986 --> 00:52:38,682
- He put Goebbels up his ass.
- He did what?
1043
00:52:38,755 --> 00:52:40,848
Goebbels-- he put
Goebbels up his ass.
1044
00:52:40,924 --> 00:52:42,448
- Goebbels?
- Yeah.
1045
00:52:42,526 --> 00:52:45,051
Yeah, Goebbels--
the German guy.
1046
00:52:46,229 --> 00:52:48,197
- Joseph Goebbels?
- That's him.
1047
00:52:48,265 --> 00:52:50,699
- The Nazi minister of propaganda?
- That's him. That's the guy.
1048
00:52:50,767 --> 00:52:53,235
Richard Gere put
Joseph Goebbels up his ass?
1049
00:52:53,303 --> 00:52:55,100
- That's how they got him out of Germany.
- What?
1050
00:52:55,172 --> 00:52:57,072
- At the end of the war...
- Yeah?
1051
00:52:57,140 --> 00:52:58,732
-...when they were smuggling
Goebbels to Argentina...
1052
00:52:58,808 --> 00:53:00,469
- Rig ht.
-...the only way to get Goebbels out
1053
00:53:00,544 --> 00:53:02,171
of Germany was
inside Richard Gere's ass.
1054
00:53:02,245 --> 00:53:03,837
Richard Gere?
The Richard Gere?
1055
00:53:03,914 --> 00:53:05,472
- The guy from "Pretty Woman"?
- The very same.
1056
00:53:05,549 --> 00:53:08,347
Went from Berlin to Buenos Aires
with Joseph Goebbels up his ass?
1057
00:53:08,418 --> 00:53:09,885
I know.
Ain't it crazy?
1058
00:53:09,953 --> 00:53:12,046
- You know? What do you know?
- Everybody knows.
1059
00:53:12,122 --> 00:53:13,953
- He wasn't even around then.
- When?
1060
00:53:14,024 --> 00:53:15,821
- At the same time as Goebbels.
- Says who?
1061
00:53:15,892 --> 00:53:17,382
Says no body.
He hadn't been born yet.
1062
00:53:17,460 --> 00:53:19,894
Then let me ask you,
why would my Uncle make all this up?
1063
00:53:19,963 --> 00:53:21,055
- Your Uncle?
- My Uncle.
1064
00:53:21,131 --> 00:53:22,359
What's your Uncle
got to do with it?
1065
00:53:22,432 --> 00:53:24,400
- He worked at the hospital.
- What hospital?
1066
00:53:24,467 --> 00:53:26,458
The hospital where they
had to remove Goebbels.
1067
00:53:26,536 --> 00:53:28,367
- What?
- He got stuck.
1068
00:53:28,438 --> 00:53:29,769
- Oh, stop it.
- Yeah.
1069
00:53:29,839 --> 00:53:31,500
- Come on.
- I'm telling you.
1070
00:53:31,575 --> 00:53:33,236
He put Goebbels up there
and then he couldn�t get him out.
1071
00:53:33,310 --> 00:53:35,608
You're telling me
Richard Gere had Goebbels...
1072
00:53:35,679 --> 00:53:37,237
- Yeah.
-...jammed so far up there,
1073
00:53:37,314 --> 00:53:38,747
he couldn�t get him out
without the help
1074
00:53:38,815 --> 00:53:40,112
- of major surgery?
- That is correct.
1075
00:53:40,183 --> 00:53:41,946
- Oh please!
- I'm telling you.
1076
00:53:42,018 --> 00:53:43,542
- He's a devout Buddhist.
- So?
1077
00:53:43,620 --> 00:53:45,918
So why would a devout Buddhist go
and shove Goebbels up his ass?
1078
00:53:45,989 --> 00:53:47,650
I don't know.
Maybe he's some kind of pervert.
1079
00:53:47,724 --> 00:53:49,624
- These movies stars are pretty freaky.
- Not that freaky.
1080
00:53:49,693 --> 00:53:52,287
- What, you know Richard Gere?
- No, I do not know Richard Gere.
1081
00:53:52,362 --> 00:53:54,956
But I do know Richard Gere did not
do nothing with no Goebbels.
1082
00:53:55,031 --> 00:53:57,591
- That's crazy.
- Well...
1083
00:53:57,667 --> 00:53:59,430
My cousin though--
he was at that party
1084
00:53:59,502 --> 00:54:01,993
where Rod Stewart swallowed all that
jizz and had to have his stomach pumped.
1085
00:54:02,072 --> 00:54:04,267
Now that's true.
Everybody knows that.
1086
00:54:08,545 --> 00:54:09,637
Hello.
1087
00:54:09,713 --> 00:54:11,408
- Mr. Albertson?
- Yes.
1088
00:54:11,481 --> 00:54:13,779
Yeah, this is Sheriff Duncan
down at the station.
1089
00:54:13,850 --> 00:54:15,715
It's a bout your son.
1090
00:54:15,785 --> 00:54:19,050
I'm afraid I've got
good news and bad news.
1091
00:54:19,122 --> 00:54:20,885
What's the bad news?
1092
00:54:20,957 --> 00:54:25,087
Well, your son,
it turns out, was at ranny.
1093
00:54:25,161 --> 00:54:27,857
He was dressing up
In ladies' clothes
1094
00:54:27,931 --> 00:54:29,865
and hanging out
down by the docks
1095
00:54:29,933 --> 00:54:33,699
and tricking longshoremen
into letting him give them blow jobs.
1096
00:54:33,770 --> 00:54:34,998
What's the good news?
1097
00:54:35,071 --> 00:54:38,336
Oh, the good news is
he's been murdered.
1098
00:54:40,710 --> 00:54:41,836
Hi.
1099
00:54:41,911 --> 00:54:43,538
I�ll take a gin and tonic.
1100
00:54:47,717 --> 00:54:49,651
- What's that?
- Just try it.
1101
00:54:54,291 --> 00:54:56,486
That tastes like gin.
1102
00:54:56,559 --> 00:54:57,856
Turn it around.
1103
00:55:01,264 --> 00:55:02,788
That tastes like tonic.
1104
00:55:04,267 --> 00:55:06,235
Okay, how a bout
a vodka, orange juice?
1105
00:55:13,510 --> 00:55:14,704
That's vodka.
1106
00:55:14,778 --> 00:55:16,245
Turn it around.
1107
00:55:17,914 --> 00:55:19,848
That's orange juice.
That's amazing.
1108
00:55:19,916 --> 00:55:22,009
- Pretty neat, h u h?
- Yeah, I�ll say.
1109
00:55:22,085 --> 00:55:25,885
You seem to be
a smart girl.
1110
00:55:25,955 --> 00:55:28,014
You know where I can get
some pussy around here?
1111
00:55:36,933 --> 00:55:40,391
Jesus! That tastes like shit.
1112
00:55:40,470 --> 00:55:41,903
Turn it around.
1113
00:55:53,083 --> 00:55:56,814
I have bad news
and I have really bad news.
1114
00:55:56,886 --> 00:55:58,820
What's the really bad news?
1115
00:55:58,888 --> 00:56:01,823
You have terminal Cancer.
You only have six months to live.
1116
00:56:01,891 --> 00:56:05,850
- What's the bad news?
- You have Alzheimer's.
1117
00:56:07,197 --> 00:56:09,722
Well, at least
I don't have Cancer.
1118
00:56:19,876 --> 00:56:22,071
- You wanted to see me?
- Come on in.
1119
00:56:22,145 --> 00:56:23,544
Is there a problem?
1120
00:56:23,613 --> 00:56:25,547
No, no problem,
1121
00:56:25,615 --> 00:56:27,549
a concern.
1122
00:56:27,617 --> 00:56:30,245
Now you know the jokes you sent me?
Some very funny stuff,
1123
00:56:30,320 --> 00:56:33,084
but they're not very sexy.
1124
00:56:33,156 --> 00:56:35,090
Well, we're not ma king
some sort of...
1125
00:56:35,158 --> 00:56:36,386
- No.
-...soft-core porn thing.
1126
00:56:36,459 --> 00:56:38,393
No, but you gotta keep your eye
1127
00:56:38,461 --> 00:56:40,395
on the target audience--
1128
00:56:40,463 --> 00:56:42,192
the marginally educated,
1129
00:56:42,265 --> 00:56:45,962
the easily led, bigoted,
1130
00:56:46,035 --> 00:56:49,300
your stoners,
the hopelessly immature.
1131
00:56:49,372 --> 00:56:51,306
- Americans?
- Yes.
1132
00:56:51,374 --> 00:56:53,205
So let me just show you
what I'm thinking here.
1133
00:56:53,276 --> 00:56:55,210
Doll face, come on up.
1134
00:56:55,278 --> 00:56:57,644
This is Tiffany.
1135
00:56:57,714 --> 00:56:59,648
She's new to the business.
1136
00:56:59,716 --> 00:57:01,479
Been out here, what,
six months now?
1137
00:57:01,551 --> 00:57:03,178
- Eight years.
- Rig ht.
1138
00:57:03,253 --> 00:57:06,222
A very talented kid.
I met her at this thing.
1139
00:57:06,289 --> 00:57:11,192
But, I don't know,
I want to use her somehow.
1140
00:57:11,261 --> 00:57:12,853
Well, I don't know exactly--
1141
00:57:12,929 --> 00:57:15,557
Well, since you're asking,
this is what I was thinking--
1142
00:57:15,632 --> 00:57:18,829
you know those bumpers
that we got in between the scenes--
1143
00:57:18,902 --> 00:57:21,462
you know, man-on-the-street-
telling-the-joke kind of stuff?
1144
00:57:21,538 --> 00:57:22,971
Well, Tiffany here is a dancer --
1145
00:57:23,039 --> 00:57:25,473
does stag nights,
bat mitzvahs, whatnot.
1146
00:57:25,542 --> 00:57:28,306
So I'm thinking
she comes on out
1147
00:57:28,378 --> 00:57:30,471
- in between the scenes...
- U h-h u h.
1148
00:57:30,547 --> 00:57:32,879
...dances a Little bit,
1149
00:57:34,584 --> 00:57:36,575
and then tells a joke.
1150
00:57:36,653 --> 00:57:39,315
Well, I guess
1151
00:57:39,389 --> 00:57:41,721
it's very sort of
postmodern vaudevillian.
1152
00:57:41,791 --> 00:57:43,383
That's exactly what I was thinking.
1153
00:57:43,460 --> 00:57:44,950
That's exactly what I said.
Didn't l, honey?
1154
00:57:45,028 --> 00:57:47,053
I mean, with the mainstreaming
of pornography,
1155
00:57:47,130 --> 00:57:49,462
it's only natural
that it should go to vaudeville.
1156
00:57:49,532 --> 00:57:50,897
Vaudeville, right.
1157
00:57:50,967 --> 00:57:54,164
So, honey, show the man
what I taught you.
1158
00:57:56,873 --> 00:57:59,137
Baby, the other thing.
1159
00:57:59,209 --> 00:58:01,143
The other thing.
1160
00:58:01,211 --> 00:58:02,303
Oh, okay.
1161
00:58:02,378 --> 00:58:05,108
- The other thing.
- Okay.
1162
00:58:07,317 --> 00:58:10,047
How do you get
an Iraqi woman pregnant?
1163
00:58:10,119 --> 00:58:12,212
How?
1164
00:58:22,499 --> 00:58:24,194
I forgot.
1165
00:58:24,267 --> 00:58:25,666
Oh, Jesus Christ.
1166
00:58:25,735 --> 00:58:27,225
No no no, she's got it.
She's got it.
1167
00:58:27,303 --> 00:58:28,668
Come here, honey.
1168
00:58:30,907 --> 00:58:32,966
- Huh? Huh?
- Okay.
1169
00:58:33,042 --> 00:58:36,170
- Don't worry. Relax.
- Okay. Okay.
1170
00:58:36,246 --> 00:58:38,510
- All right.
- Ahem.
1171
00:58:38,581 --> 00:58:41,209
And action.
1172
00:58:41,284 --> 00:58:45,220
How do you get
an Iraqi woman pregnant?
1173
00:58:45,288 --> 00:58:48,849
Come on her feet
And let the flies do the rest.
1174
00:58:48,925 --> 00:58:52,952
Huh? Did I tell you
the kid's a natural, huh?
1175
00:58:53,029 --> 00:58:55,657
This isn't going
to Sundance, is it?
1176
00:58:55,732 --> 00:58:58,496
Not unless we add subtitles.
1177
00:58:59,702 --> 00:59:02,034
Okay, I have good news
and bad news.
1178
00:59:02,105 --> 00:59:03,868
What's the bad news?
1179
00:59:03,940 --> 00:59:05,771
You have Alzheimer's.
1180
00:59:05,842 --> 00:59:07,036
Well, what's the good news?
1181
00:59:07,110 --> 00:59:08,941
You Can hide
your own Easter eggs.
1182
00:59:10,013 --> 00:59:14,814
~ Rockets' red glare ~
1183
00:59:14,884 --> 00:59:16,146
~ You know ~
1184
00:59:16,219 --> 00:59:18,153
~ How I hate glares ~
1185
00:59:18,221 --> 00:59:21,213
~ Cut the shit
with this glare, please ~
1186
00:59:21,291 --> 00:59:24,192
~ Cut the glare right now,
right now, ri-- ~
1187
00:59:26,262 --> 00:59:28,321
Coach, you got a sec?
1188
00:59:28,398 --> 00:59:31,299
Yeah, sure. Come on in, kid.
What's on your mind?
1189
00:59:31,367 --> 00:59:34,097
Well, Coach,
1190
00:59:34,170 --> 00:59:36,263
you know those supplements
you've got us on--
1191
00:59:36,339 --> 00:59:37,897
the steroids?
1192
00:59:37,974 --> 00:59:39,100
Yeah.
1193
00:59:39,175 --> 00:59:41,405
Well, I know
we want to win State,
1194
00:59:41,477 --> 00:59:43,274
but there's a problem.
1195
00:59:43,346 --> 00:59:44,836
What is it?
1196
00:59:44,914 --> 00:59:46,677
I have hair on my c hest.
1197
00:59:48,284 --> 00:59:50,650
Oh Jesus.
How far down does that go?
1198
00:59:50,720 --> 00:59:52,654
All the way to my balls.
1199
00:59:55,358 --> 00:59:56,848
Okay, so we're gonna schedule
1200
00:59:56,926 --> 00:59:59,520
your breast augmentation
surgery for next Wednesday.
1201
00:59:59,596 --> 01:00:01,587
- Thank you, Doctor.
- You're welcome.
1202
01:00:01,664 --> 01:00:03,757
- I have one other question.
- Yes?
1203
01:00:03,833 --> 01:00:06,893
I'm leaving my husband
Because he likes to fuck poultry,
1204
01:00:06,970 --> 01:00:10,167
and I read a bout this
hymen reconstruction surgery
1205
01:00:10,239 --> 01:00:13,037
that Can restore your virginity.
1206
01:00:13,109 --> 01:00:15,043
Does it really work?
1207
01:00:15,111 --> 01:00:17,875
Well, yes and no.
1208
01:00:17,947 --> 01:00:19,881
Think of it this way--
1209
01:00:19,949 --> 01:00:21,883
You can roll back the odometer,
1210
01:00:21,951 --> 01:00:24,442
but you never get back
that new ca r smell.
1211
01:00:41,804 --> 01:00:45,672
Hey, what did the hooker
say to the Chihuahua?
1212
01:00:48,544 --> 01:00:51,035
�Hey! Watch the nylons."
1213
01:00:59,555 --> 01:01:01,546
You like jokes?
1214
01:01:09,399 --> 01:01:11,867
You like blow jobs?
1215
01:01:22,645 --> 01:01:25,011
What do you call a Mexican guy
1216
01:01:25,081 --> 01:01:26,878
with a rubber toe?
1217
01:01:26,949 --> 01:01:28,075
What?
1218
01:01:28,151 --> 01:01:29,675
Ru-ber-to.
1219
01:01:29,752 --> 01:01:31,083
No.
1220
01:01:31,154 --> 01:01:33,088
Okay, what's red and green
1221
01:01:33,156 --> 01:01:35,124
and yellow and orange
and purple and pink?
1222
01:01:35,191 --> 01:01:37,216
- What?
- A black guy dressed for church.
1223
01:01:37,293 --> 01:01:39,318
- No.
- Okay.
1224
01:01:39,395 --> 01:01:42,091
What did the Jewish pedophile
say to the Little boy?
1225
01:01:43,332 --> 01:01:46,358
�Hey, Little boy,
wanna buy some candy?"
1226
01:01:48,438 --> 01:01:51,339
Oh, come on, that's funny.
1227
01:01:51,407 --> 01:01:54,103
He wants to fuck the kid,
but he's too cheap to give him the candy.
1228
01:01:54,177 --> 01:01:56,111
- It's a classic.
- It's not a classic.
1229
01:01:56,179 --> 01:01:58,170
It's bullshit.
Not all Jews are cheap.
1230
01:01:58,247 --> 01:01:59,874
Cheap?
1231
01:01:59,949 --> 01:02:02,110
That's the part of the joke
that offends you-- the cheap part?
1232
01:02:02,185 --> 01:02:04,676
- Yes.
- It's okay that he's a pedophile?
1233
01:02:04,754 --> 01:02:06,051
He just can�t be
a cheap pedophile?
1234
01:02:06,122 --> 01:02:07,453
Yes.
1235
01:02:08,524 --> 01:02:10,253
Explain that one.
1236
01:02:10,326 --> 01:02:13,022
There's no stereotype
of Jews as pedophiles,
1237
01:02:13,096 --> 01:02:16,293
so to say that this particular
Jewish person is a pedophile
1238
01:02:16,365 --> 01:02:18,959
does nothing to perpetuate
false generalizations
1239
01:02:19,035 --> 01:02:21,128
a bout the Jewish people.
1240
01:02:21,204 --> 01:02:23,502
Saying that they control the media
or that they're cheap,
1241
01:02:23,573 --> 01:02:25,097
on the other hand,
is offensive.
1242
01:02:25,174 --> 01:02:28,905
So he Can diddle Little boys
As long as he pays retail for them?
1243
01:02:30,346 --> 01:02:31,608
I'm done.
1244
01:02:31,681 --> 01:02:34,445
That's the problem with you
and with everyone else.
1245
01:02:34,517 --> 01:02:36,917
Everyone gets so offended
a bout their own stereotypes,
1246
01:02:36,986 --> 01:02:38,977
- they have no concern for anyone else.
- I have--
1247
01:02:39,055 --> 01:02:41,387
- What if I was a victim of child abuse?
- You weren't--
1248
01:02:41,457 --> 01:02:42,754
Or him?
1249
01:02:44,694 --> 01:02:46,491
But that doesn't matter to you
1250
01:02:46,562 --> 01:02:49,122
As long as your people don't get hurt.
1251
01:02:49,198 --> 01:02:52,463
Child abuse is a terrible thing, man.
1252
01:02:52,535 --> 01:02:55,436
It tears families apart.
1253
01:02:55,505 --> 01:02:58,030
Do you even know what
the number-one cause of pedophilia is?
1254
01:02:58,107 --> 01:02:59,574
What?
1255
01:02:59,642 --> 01:03:01,405
Sexy kids.
1256
01:03:01,477 --> 01:03:03,172
That's sic k.
Go Fuck yourself.
1257
01:03:03,246 --> 01:03:05,612
- Oh, come on!
- You will never work in this town again!
1258
01:03:05,681 --> 01:03:07,740
Oh yeah, like you're the one
that controls the media.
1259
01:03:07,817 --> 01:03:09,648
I have relatives!
1260
01:03:11,988 --> 01:03:14,047
Oh hey, it's okay.
1261
01:03:14,123 --> 01:03:16,648
They don't really control the media.
1262
01:03:19,662 --> 01:03:21,596
Let's hope they don't, huh?
1263
01:03:21,664 --> 01:03:23,427
Right.
1264
01:03:23,499 --> 01:03:25,467
What a bout the Mexican jokes?
1265
01:03:25,535 --> 01:03:29,130
Oh, that's fine.
They don't control anything.
1266
01:03:29,205 --> 01:03:30,968
What is the difference
1267
01:03:31,040 --> 01:03:33,406
between a Jew and a canoe?
1268
01:03:33,476 --> 01:03:35,967
The Canoe might tip.
1269
01:03:37,914 --> 01:03:39,472
What's the problem?
1270
01:03:39,549 --> 01:03:42,848
Every time I sneeze,
I have an orgasm.
1271
01:03:42,919 --> 01:03:44,910
Don't worry.
1272
01:03:44,987 --> 01:03:47,182
I am gonna write you
a prescription.
1273
01:03:47,256 --> 01:03:49,315
What for?
1274
01:03:49,392 --> 01:03:51,087
Pepper.
1275
01:03:52,261 --> 01:03:54,729
What do you call
a gay dinosaur?
1276
01:03:54,797 --> 01:03:57,061
A mega-sore-ass.
1277
01:04:00,803 --> 01:04:03,328
Paratrooper training--
Really-really rough.
1278
01:04:03,406 --> 01:04:05,806
- I almost didn't make it through.
- What happened?
1279
01:04:05,875 --> 01:04:07,866
Well, we went up
for our first jump.
1280
01:04:07,944 --> 01:04:09,104
My turn came.
1281
01:04:09,178 --> 01:04:11,043
I got rig ht up to
the plane bay doors
1282
01:04:11,113 --> 01:04:13,707
And I panicked.
I chickened out. I couldn�t do it.
1283
01:04:13,783 --> 01:04:16,377
- Holy shit.
- I back off,
1284
01:04:16,452 --> 01:04:18,386
and then my sergeant
yells at me,
1285
01:04:18,454 --> 01:04:21,548
"You j u m p out of this plane right now
Or I�ll stick my cock up your ass!"
1286
01:04:21,624 --> 01:04:22,750
Did you jump?
1287
01:04:22,825 --> 01:04:25,089
A little at first.
1288
01:04:27,263 --> 01:04:30,164
- This dancing bimbo girl.
- Mm-hmm.
1289
01:04:30,233 --> 01:04:32,531
- You a I ready Fucked her, rig ht?
- Oh, and how.
1290
01:04:32,602 --> 01:04:35,162
Then just let it go. Please.
1291
01:04:35,238 --> 01:04:37,866
Let me make a movie--
A real movie.
1292
01:04:37,940 --> 01:04:41,034
I�ll put tits in it.
I�ll put tits in it, I swear--
1293
01:04:41,110 --> 01:04:43,044
big titties, Little titties,
1294
01:04:43,112 --> 01:04:45,376
flapjack titties,
wall-to-wall titties
1295
01:04:45,448 --> 01:04:46,642
as far as the eye Can see.
1296
01:04:46,716 --> 01:04:48,809
Just let me do it
with a Little taste,
1297
01:04:48,885 --> 01:04:50,978
with my vision.
1298
01:04:51,053 --> 01:04:53,044
Please.
1299
01:04:59,729 --> 01:05:01,720
It's not what it looks like.
1300
01:05:06,736 --> 01:05:09,296
What would your at her --
a war with Iraq?
1301
01:05:09,372 --> 01:05:11,306
Or a whore with a rack?
1302
01:05:11,374 --> 01:05:13,899
Good morning, sir. Welcome to the bank.
How Can I help you?
1303
01:05:13,976 --> 01:05:17,935
Hey, sugar tits. I'd like to open
a Fucking account in your bank.
1304
01:05:18,014 --> 01:05:19,879
Excuse me?
1305
01:05:19,949 --> 01:05:22,281
You heard me, bitch.
I want to open
1306
01:05:22,351 --> 01:05:24,012
a Fucking account
in your Fucking bank.
1307
01:05:24,086 --> 01:05:26,350
I'm sorry, I'm not gonna
be able to help you if you continue
1308
01:05:26,422 --> 01:05:29,585
to speak to me like that.
Jim, I have a problem.
1309
01:05:29,659 --> 01:05:32,253
Hey, I'm Jim,
the branch manager.
1310
01:05:32,328 --> 01:05:33,488
What seems to be
the problem?
1311
01:05:33,562 --> 01:05:34,995
No Fucking problem.
1312
01:05:35,064 --> 01:05:38,431
I just won $70 million
in the Fucking lottery
1313
01:05:38,501 --> 01:05:41,561
and I want to put the Fucking money
in your Fucking bank.
1314
01:05:42,638 --> 01:05:45,004
And this cunt won't help you?
1315
01:05:45,074 --> 01:05:46,666
You're fired.
1316
01:05:46,742 --> 01:05:49,677
What do a priest
and an Olympic silver medalist
1317
01:05:49,745 --> 01:05:51,474
have in common?
1318
01:05:51,547 --> 01:05:54,607
They both ca me in
a Little behind.
1319
01:05:54,684 --> 01:05:58,415
Will the owner of a 1 982
Ford Festival, green and gold,
1320
01:05:58,487 --> 01:06:02,014
Please move your car?
It's really fucking ugly.
1321
01:06:04,860 --> 01:06:06,521
So you're here to donate plasma?
1322
01:06:06,595 --> 01:06:08,495
Yeah, I just got fired from my job,
1323
01:06:08,564 --> 01:06:10,498
so I really need the 20 bucks.
1324
01:06:10,566 --> 01:06:14,002
Well, that's too bad.
I'm here for the sperm myself.
1325
01:06:14,070 --> 01:06:15,196
You get an even 100.
1326
01:06:15,271 --> 01:06:16,863
- Really?
- Yeah.
1327
01:06:16,939 --> 01:06:19,271
Wow, that must be nice.
1328
01:06:19,342 --> 01:06:21,435
Pays the bills, you know.
1329
01:06:29,185 --> 01:06:30,880
Hey there.
1330
01:06:30,953 --> 01:06:33,387
So you're back to get
another 20 for your plasma, h u h?
1331
01:06:34,757 --> 01:06:36,748
H m-m m m.
1332
01:06:38,394 --> 01:06:40,419
Okay, and that's Lunch, everybody.
1333
01:06:40,496 --> 01:06:42,760
Just so you know,
1334
01:06:42,832 --> 01:06:44,766
we had to Cancel
the catering truck,
1335
01:06:44,834 --> 01:06:47,894
but there are some bagels
left over from yesterday.
1336
01:06:47,970 --> 01:06:49,904
And of course
1337
01:06:49,972 --> 01:06:52,497
there is more Vienna Sausage.
1338
01:06:52,575 --> 01:06:54,566
Hey! Stop! We need to talk.
1339
01:06:54,643 --> 01:06:56,577
Okay, let me just get my lunch.
1340
01:06:56,645 --> 01:06:58,579
- No, now. Let�s talk.
- Okay, okay.
1341
01:06:58,647 --> 01:07:00,308
- Do I have your attention?
- Yes.
1342
01:07:00,383 --> 01:07:03,511
All right, I'm gonna make this very clear --
you're Fucking this movie.
1343
01:07:03,586 --> 01:07:05,520
I don't know what
you're talking a bout.
1344
01:07:05,588 --> 01:07:06,782
You know
damn well what I'm talking a bout.
1345
01:07:06,856 --> 01:07:09,381
- No, I don't.
- Eh! Now you're gonna listen to me
1346
01:07:09,458 --> 01:07:11,722
Because I am the producer
and I am in charge
1347
01:07:11,794 --> 01:07:13,523
or this film.
Do we understand each other?
1348
01:07:13,596 --> 01:07:15,223
- Yes.
- Do we understand each other?!
1349
01:07:15,297 --> 01:07:16,423
- Yes!
- All right.
1350
01:07:16,499 --> 01:07:18,933
You promised me tits.
I've seen no tits.
1351
01:07:19,001 --> 01:07:21,731
You promised me midgets.
You went over budge ton that.
1352
01:07:21,804 --> 01:07:23,738
And I've been talking to the writers.
1353
01:07:23,806 --> 01:07:25,865
They're complaining a bout
you killing the best jokes.
1354
01:07:25,941 --> 01:07:27,875
This film's coming in under time.
1355
01:07:27,943 --> 01:07:31,379
Now wait a minute.
You wait a Fucking god damn minute!
1356
01:07:31,447 --> 01:07:33,915
I am the director! I direct!
1357
01:07:33,983 --> 01:07:35,473
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
1358
01:07:35,551 --> 01:07:38,384
You want to make some cheap piece
of shit here, but I have a vision,
1359
01:07:38,454 --> 01:07:41,685
and that's to explore
jokes and laughter
1360
01:07:41,757 --> 01:07:44,191
and see how it shapes us
as communities.
1361
01:07:44,260 --> 01:07:47,024
You know,
in a joke there's a schism
1362
01:07:47,096 --> 01:07:49,030
between reality
and perception.
1363
01:07:49,098 --> 01:07:51,430
And if we could just
get into that schism
1364
01:07:51,500 --> 01:07:53,434
and just get in there
and crack it open
1365
01:07:53,502 --> 01:07:55,902
and really
make people laugh
1366
01:07:55,971 --> 01:07:58,235
and make them understand
1367
01:07:58,307 --> 01:08:00,366
that, you know,
we're all in this together
1368
01:08:00,443 --> 01:08:02,502
and we have to have
a sense of humor about ourselves.
1369
01:08:02,578 --> 01:08:06,241
And that's so important.
If Germans had a sense of humor,
1370
01:08:06,315 --> 01:08:08,283
maybe there wouldn't
have been a Holocaust.
1371
01:08:08,350 --> 01:08:10,614
If we could bring
laughter to Darfur,
1372
01:08:10,686 --> 01:08:12,620
we could end this horrible,
1373
01:08:12,688 --> 01:08:14,713
Lamentable tragedy
that's going on there.
1374
01:08:14,790 --> 01:08:16,724
I just think as artists
1375
01:08:16,792 --> 01:08:19,920
we need to take our art
1376
01:08:19,995 --> 01:08:21,929
and use it like a mega phone
1377
01:08:21,997 --> 01:08:24,022
to shine a Light
on h u man suffering
1378
01:08:24,100 --> 01:08:27,695
and really know that there's
1379
01:08:27,770 --> 01:08:30,295
always...
1380
01:08:30,372 --> 01:08:32,636
hookers.
1381
01:08:35,978 --> 01:08:37,912
All right, let's strike the set
1382
01:08:37,980 --> 01:08:41,609
and set up for the Australian
dildo accident.
1383
01:08:47,022 --> 01:08:50,048
Seems like a life time has passed
1384
01:08:50,126 --> 01:08:52,060
since I was a young boy
1385
01:08:52,128 --> 01:08:54,187
g rowing up
in the Smoky Mountains
1386
01:08:54,263 --> 01:08:56,197
of Tennessee.
1387
01:08:56,265 --> 01:08:59,723
Oh, I know lain't
as young as I used to be,
1388
01:08:59,802 --> 01:09:02,032
but that doesn't mean
I don't enjoy
1389
01:09:02,104 --> 01:09:04,038
making time with a lady.
1390
01:09:04,106 --> 01:09:06,973
And whenever I bring
a hot piece of ass
1391
01:09:07,042 --> 01:09:08,976
back to my place for dinner
1392
01:09:09,044 --> 01:09:11,706
and a night
of animal love making,
1393
01:09:11,780 --> 01:09:13,714
I make sure and have
1394
01:09:13,782 --> 01:09:16,751
a Can of Little Vienna Sausages.
1395
01:09:16,819 --> 01:09:19,481
Because little
Vienna Sausages
1396
01:09:19,555 --> 01:09:22,888
are more than just
artificial gelatin
1397
01:09:22,958 --> 01:09:25,620
And left over cattle feces.
1398
01:09:25,694 --> 01:09:28,822
They're a mind-blowing aphrodisiac
1399
01:09:28,898 --> 01:09:31,162
that�ll give any girl
1400
01:09:31,233 --> 01:09:33,394
a Little breeze
between her legs.
1401
01:09:33,469 --> 01:09:35,767
Last Friday
1402
01:09:35,838 --> 01:09:38,068
I was in the shower
with Tawni.
1403
01:09:38,140 --> 01:09:40,074
The soapy lather
1404
01:09:40,142 --> 01:09:42,542
was dripping off
her supple breasts.
1405
01:09:42,611 --> 01:09:46,479
And thanks to my
Little Vienna Sausages,
1406
01:09:46,549 --> 01:09:48,881
her nipples were on fire.
1407
01:09:48,951 --> 01:09:50,885
She dropped the soap,
1408
01:09:50,953 --> 01:09:53,353
grabbed the back
of my head and said,
1409
01:09:53,422 --> 01:09:56,084
"Take a bite of peach."
1410
01:09:56,158 --> 01:09:59,650
We made love for hours.
1411
01:09:59,728 --> 01:10:02,162
And when we woke up
in the morning--
1412
01:10:02,231 --> 01:10:04,756
Well, I guess you know
1413
01:10:04,833 --> 01:10:08,064
what I made her
for breakfast.
1414
01:10:08,137 --> 01:10:10,071
Little Vienna Sausages.
1415
01:10:10,139 --> 01:10:13,768
Just a Little taste
of America.
1416
01:10:18,447 --> 01:10:21,814
I'm worried, Doc.
I think I got my secretary pregnant.
1417
01:10:21,884 --> 01:10:23,818
It's okay.
I'm gonna give you
1418
01:10:23,886 --> 01:10:25,615
a prescription for the male
birth control pill.
1419
01:10:25,688 --> 01:10:27,178
Really?
Does it work?
1420
01:10:27,256 --> 01:10:28,985
Oh yeah, you take it the day after
1421
01:10:29,058 --> 01:10:31,288
and it changes your blood type.
1422
01:10:31,360 --> 01:10:33,555
Can I take it
on an empty stomach?
1423
01:10:33,629 --> 01:10:36,257
No, take it on an empty conscience.
1424
01:10:36,332 --> 01:10:39,267
Oh, I will.
1425
01:10:39,335 --> 01:10:42,429
Would you like me
to wrap that up for you?
1426
01:10:42,504 --> 01:10:45,337
No, but I�ll take
The little Vienna Sausages.
1427
01:10:46,909 --> 01:10:48,638
Single, right?
1428
01:10:48,711 --> 01:10:50,144
Yeah.
How did you guess?
1429
01:10:50,212 --> 01:10:52,646
Because I wanted
Little Vienna Sausages?
1430
01:10:52,715 --> 01:10:55,548
No, 'ca use you're
Fucking ugly.
1431
01:11:03,959 --> 01:11:06,052
Why do people
from Iraq stink so bad?
1432
01:11:06,128 --> 01:11:08,460
So even blind people
could hate them.
1433
01:11:08,530 --> 01:11:11,727
What one sagging titty say
to the other sagging titty?
1434
01:11:11,800 --> 01:11:13,392
"We'd better get some support,
1435
01:11:13,469 --> 01:11:15,494
or people are gonna start
thinking we're nuts."
1436
01:11:15,571 --> 01:11:18,301
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
1437
01:11:18,374 --> 01:11:20,365
A lick-a-lotta-puss.
1438
01:11:25,814 --> 01:11:28,374
Psst, you, come here.
1439
01:11:28,450 --> 01:11:30,213
How are the racist jokes coming?
1440
01:11:30,286 --> 01:11:32,220
They're coming good.
I'm trying to branch out,
1441
01:11:32,288 --> 01:11:34,085
- play with the form a Little bit.
- How so?
1442
01:11:34,156 --> 01:11:36,647
I ca me up
with a racist fart joke.
1443
01:11:36,725 --> 01:11:38,522
How does it go?
1444
01:11:38,594 --> 01:11:40,721
What did
George Washington Carver say
1445
01:11:40,796 --> 01:11:42,661
after he invented pork and beans?
1446
01:11:42,731 --> 01:11:45,291
What?
1447
01:11:45,367 --> 01:11:47,096
- That's as far as I've gotten.
- Wonderful.
1448
01:11:47,169 --> 01:11:48,761
Now look, I've been
thinking a bout this,
1449
01:11:48,837 --> 01:11:52,500
- and we've got to have the ni--
- Shh shh shh.
1450
01:12:00,115 --> 01:12:02,447
Rig ht, thanks.
1451
01:12:02,518 --> 01:12:04,452
We've got to push the edge
of the envelope here
1452
01:12:04,520 --> 01:12:06,454
to make up for lost time.
Gotta use the N-word.
1453
01:12:06,522 --> 01:12:08,615
You want to drop the N-bomb?
Oh, I don't know.
1454
01:12:08,691 --> 01:12:10,625
This is a dirty joke movie,
1455
01:12:10,693 --> 01:12:13,059
and that is the ultimate dirty joke.
1456
01:12:13,128 --> 01:12:15,221
I�ll see what I Can dig up.
1457
01:12:15,297 --> 01:12:17,527
Good man.
1458
01:12:17,599 --> 01:12:19,533
- All we need is one.
- Just one?
1459
01:12:19,601 --> 01:12:21,728
Just one.
1460
01:12:21,804 --> 01:12:23,704
Okay, class,
today we're gonna learn
1461
01:12:23,772 --> 01:12:26,536
a bout animals on the farm
and the sounds they make.
1462
01:12:26,608 --> 01:12:29,042
Who knows what a duck says?
1463
01:12:30,079 --> 01:12:31,376
Eddie.
1464
01:12:31,447 --> 01:12:33,347
A duck says,
"Quack, quack."
1465
01:12:33,415 --> 01:12:35,747
Very good.
1466
01:12:35,818 --> 01:12:38,582
Who knows
what a cow says?
1467
01:12:40,022 --> 01:12:42,456
Suzy.
1468
01:12:42,524 --> 01:12:45,425
- A cow says "Moo."
- Excellent.
1469
01:12:45,494 --> 01:12:49,430
Now who Can tell me
what a pig says?
1470
01:12:52,067 --> 01:12:54,035
Little Johnny.
1471
01:12:54,103 --> 01:12:56,196
A pig says,
1472
01:12:56,271 --> 01:12:59,104
"Get up against the wall!
Put your hands on your head,
1473
01:12:59,174 --> 01:13:00,937
you black mother Fucker!"
1474
01:13:06,181 --> 01:13:07,409
Hello.
1475
01:13:07,483 --> 01:13:09,883
Doc, this is Mr. Albertson.
1476
01:13:09,952 --> 01:13:12,477
Did you get the test results
back on my wife?
1477
01:13:12,554 --> 01:13:14,488
Yes, we did,
but they're a Little Unclear.
1478
01:13:14,556 --> 01:13:16,581
She either has Al DS
or Alzheimer's.
1479
01:13:16,658 --> 01:13:18,592
What do I do?
1480
01:13:18,660 --> 01:13:21,595
Take her out for a drive
and drop her a few miles from the house.
1481
01:13:21,663 --> 01:13:23,961
If she comes home,
don't Fuck her.
1482
01:13:27,269 --> 01:13:29,703
Oh man,
look at that goat.
1483
01:13:29,772 --> 01:13:31,103
It's stuck.
1484
01:13:34,143 --> 01:13:36,577
What are we gonna do?
1485
01:13:36,645 --> 01:13:38,579
I don't know a bout you,
1486
01:13:38,647 --> 01:13:40,774
but I know
what I'm gonna do.
1487
01:13:50,058 --> 01:13:52,959
Oh yea h.
1488
01:13:53,028 --> 01:13:54,461
Oh man.
1489
01:13:57,666 --> 01:14:01,568
- Want some of this action?
- Hell yeah.
1490
01:14:01,637 --> 01:14:04,105
But I ain't sticking
my head through no fence.
1491
01:14:08,177 --> 01:14:11,613
When I saw you
at the bar tonight,
1492
01:14:11,680 --> 01:14:14,547
something just ca me over me.
1493
01:14:14,616 --> 01:14:18,052
I've never been
with a black man before.
1494
01:14:18,120 --> 01:14:20,054
I'm wondering
1495
01:14:20,122 --> 01:14:22,613
if it's true what they say.
1496
01:14:22,691 --> 01:14:24,625
Oh, it's true, baby.
1497
01:14:24,693 --> 01:14:26,627
Oh, then come over here
and show me
1498
01:14:26,695 --> 01:14:29,095
what you big black bucks do best.
1499
01:14:43,178 --> 01:14:45,305
I'm sorry, man.
I can�t do this.
1500
01:14:45,380 --> 01:14:47,541
Cut!
1501
01:14:47,616 --> 01:14:50,676
All right, what's the problem?
Did you forget the bloc king?
1502
01:14:50,752 --> 01:14:53,585
Bloc king?
Fuck the bloc king!
1503
01:14:53,655 --> 01:14:55,145
I'm not doing
this shit, man.
1504
01:14:55,224 --> 01:14:57,522
Why not?
1505
01:14:57,593 --> 01:14:59,390
This shit is demeaning
to my people.
1506
01:14:59,461 --> 01:15:01,554
Which people?
Little people or --
1507
01:15:01,630 --> 01:15:03,359
Black people, motherfucker!
1508
01:15:03,432 --> 01:15:06,265
Okay, okay, we Can discuss
any kind of uncomfortable ness.
1509
01:15:06,335 --> 01:15:08,030
Is it the Line?
1510
01:15:08,103 --> 01:15:09,832
I don't even think
you have a Line there.
1511
01:15:09,905 --> 01:15:12,135
Can I see the script, please?
1512
01:15:12,207 --> 01:15:14,107
Hello, Can I get the sides?
1513
01:15:14,176 --> 01:15:16,007
I got it. I got it.
1514
01:15:16,078 --> 01:15:18,478
Okay, what's the action here?
1515
01:15:18,547 --> 01:15:20,913
She says,
"Then come over here
1516
01:15:20,983 --> 01:15:23,349
and show me what you big
black bucks do best."
1517
01:15:23,418 --> 01:15:25,079
And then he punches her
in the face,
1518
01:15:25,153 --> 01:15:27,178
- steals her stereo and runs away.
- Fuck that.
1519
01:15:27,256 --> 01:15:29,451
Look, I know this is a really--
1520
01:15:29,525 --> 01:15:30,924
could you just look at me?
1521
01:15:30,993 --> 01:15:32,654
Sir? little--
1522
01:15:32,728 --> 01:15:34,320
I'm coming around.
I'm coming around.
1523
01:15:34,396 --> 01:15:36,387
I'm coming around. I'm coming around!
1524
01:15:36,465 --> 01:15:39,696
I'm coming around.
I'm coming around!
1525
01:15:39,768 --> 01:15:41,793
Look, I know it's a Little edgy,
1526
01:15:41,870 --> 01:15:43,804
but that's the kind of
movie we're ma king here.
1527
01:15:43,872 --> 01:15:45,499
It's-- we're pushing buttons.
1528
01:15:45,574 --> 01:15:48,543
It's a very political movie.
We've got Arab jokes.
1529
01:15:48,610 --> 01:15:50,544
Or course
you've got Arab jokes.
1530
01:15:50,612 --> 01:15:52,204
We're at war with the Arabs.
1531
01:15:52,281 --> 01:15:54,977
Telling Arab jokes is
practically a patriotic duty.
1532
01:15:55,050 --> 01:15:58,417
I�ll talk to him for five seconds.
1533
01:15:58,487 --> 01:16:00,648
Hey, what's the deal?
I thought we couldn�t get any blacks
1534
01:16:00,722 --> 01:16:02,747
- to be in this movie.
- He's just a Little black.
1535
01:16:02,824 --> 01:16:05,349
Right. Wait, I thought
1536
01:16:05,427 --> 01:16:07,019
we couldn't afford
any dwarves either.
1537
01:16:07,095 --> 01:16:09,359
He's a black dwarf.
They're less than the white ones.
1538
01:16:09,431 --> 01:16:13,333
- In this day and age?
- You hate to take advantage but--
1539
01:16:13,402 --> 01:16:15,666
you know, there are still parts
of the South he Can't vote.
1540
01:16:15,737 --> 01:16:17,671
Voter discrimination is still legal?
1541
01:16:17,739 --> 01:16:20,333
No, he can�t reach the levers.
1542
01:16:20,409 --> 01:16:22,707
Okay, just give me one second,
jusTone second.
1543
01:16:22,778 --> 01:16:25,838
Look, we're doing a joke movie
1544
01:16:25,914 --> 01:16:27,438
and there's no jokes
1545
01:16:27,516 --> 01:16:29,746
that people love telling more
than racist jokes.
1546
01:16:29,818 --> 01:16:32,286
I mean, why won't Texans
1547
01:16:32,354 --> 01:16:34,413
put Mexicans in the electric chair?
1548
01:16:35,891 --> 01:16:39,554
Because it's too hard
to puTout the grease fires.
1549
01:16:42,965 --> 01:16:45,456
Yeah? Everybody loves them.
1550
01:16:45,534 --> 01:16:47,297
Yeah, my sister dated a Mexican.
1551
01:16:47,369 --> 01:16:48,836
They're some
greasy mother Fuckers.
1552
01:16:48,904 --> 01:16:50,337
See? You get what I'm saying?
1553
01:16:50,405 --> 01:16:52,703
Yeah, I guess so.
1554
01:16:52,774 --> 01:16:57,108
Hey, why aren't there any Puerto Ricans
on the Starship Enterprise?
1555
01:16:57,179 --> 01:16:59,306
Because they don't work
in the future either.
1556
01:17:03,452 --> 01:17:05,943
Wait. Wait. wait,
I got one, I got one.
1557
01:17:06,021 --> 01:17:08,182
Ahem-- why did the Jews
1558
01:17:08,256 --> 01:17:10,190
spend 40 years
wandering in the desert?
1559
01:17:10,258 --> 01:17:12,726
They heard someone
dropped a quarter.
1560
01:17:15,597 --> 01:17:17,258
Okay, I think that's a bout enough.
1561
01:17:17,332 --> 01:17:18,822
They are so cheap.
1562
01:17:18,900 --> 01:17:20,663
Oh, this is really good.
This is great.
1563
01:17:20,736 --> 01:17:24,638
What is the difference between
a park bench and a black man?
1564
01:17:24,706 --> 01:17:28,005
A park bench Can support
a family of four.
1565
01:17:28,076 --> 01:17:29,202
Oh boy.
1566
01:17:31,413 --> 01:17:33,711
This is so good.
1567
01:17:33,782 --> 01:17:36,444
What did the black kid
get for Christmas? My bike!
1568
01:17:36,518 --> 01:17:38,247
Fuck you.
1569
01:17:43,291 --> 01:17:45,282
Call me.
1570
01:17:50,132 --> 01:17:52,498
Do you have any Aryan in you?
1571
01:17:52,567 --> 01:17:54,159
No.
1572
01:17:54,236 --> 01:17:56,227
Would you like some?
1573
01:17:58,774 --> 01:18:02,175
That kinky little bastard!
1574
01:18:04,513 --> 01:18:08,677
Look what I found
in your son's closet!
1575
01:18:11,920 --> 01:18:13,854
- look.
- Oh sweet Jesus.
1576
01:18:13,922 --> 01:18:16,322
What are we gonna do
a bout it?
1577
01:18:18,126 --> 01:18:19,923
Oh, I don't know,
1578
01:18:19,995 --> 01:18:23,954
but we shouldn't spank him.
1579
01:18:26,768 --> 01:18:30,829
Boy, you've done a fine job
working on my farm.
1580
01:18:30,906 --> 01:18:32,840
I'm gonna hate to lose you.
1581
01:18:32,908 --> 01:18:35,103
- Oh, thank you.
- In fact, tonight
1582
01:18:35,177 --> 01:18:37,611
I'm gonna throw you
a going-away party.
1583
01:18:37,679 --> 01:18:38,771
All right.
1584
01:18:38,847 --> 01:18:40,781
I hope you Can handle
your liquor,
1585
01:18:40,849 --> 01:18:43,340
'ca use there's gonna be
A lot of boozing.
1586
01:18:43,418 --> 01:18:44,885
I love boozing.
1587
01:18:44,953 --> 01:18:47,046
And there might be
some fighting too.
1588
01:18:47,122 --> 01:18:48,453
I love fighting.
1589
01:18:48,523 --> 01:18:50,923
Good for you,
'ca use there's gonna be
1590
01:18:50,992 --> 01:18:53,017
a whole lot of Fucking.
1591
01:18:53,095 --> 01:18:55,996
Well, I love me some Fucking.
1592
01:18:56,064 --> 01:18:58,362
What do you want me
to wear to the party?
1593
01:18:58,433 --> 01:18:59,923
I don't care.
1594
01:19:00,001 --> 01:19:02,561
Ain't gonna be but the two of us.
1595
01:19:06,274 --> 01:19:08,401
Hey, buddy.
The wife let you out tonight?
1596
01:19:08,477 --> 01:19:11,173
No no, she volunteers two nights
a week at the tempura house.
1597
01:19:11,246 --> 01:19:14,773
Tempura house?
That's that new sushi restaurant?
1598
01:19:14,850 --> 01:19:18,650
No no, it's a shelter
for Lightly battered women.
1599
01:19:22,357 --> 01:19:23,551
Hello.
1600
01:19:23,625 --> 01:19:25,149
Hello, son.
How is it going?
1601
01:19:25,227 --> 01:19:27,661
Hiya, Dad. I think I need a change.
I want to be a mortician.
1602
01:19:27,729 --> 01:19:29,663
A mortician?
Why a mortician?
1603
01:19:29,731 --> 01:19:31,221
I'm really good with people.
1604
01:19:31,299 --> 01:19:33,290
All right, cut! Cut.
1605
01:19:33,368 --> 01:19:35,336
Hold on a second.
This was very sloppy.
1606
01:19:35,403 --> 01:19:37,462
- Are you drunk or something?
- No.
1607
01:19:37,539 --> 01:19:39,564
Are you sure? What is the--
1608
01:19:39,641 --> 01:19:42,872
This is prop, rig ht? Props are--
1609
01:19:42,944 --> 01:19:45,378
This is-- this is real.
1610
01:19:45,447 --> 01:19:46,880
I'm method.
1611
01:19:46,948 --> 01:19:49,212
Yeah, so was Marlon Brando,
but he didn't get
1612
01:19:49,284 --> 01:19:51,343
blown out of his mind.
What's wrong with you?
1613
01:19:51,419 --> 01:19:52,613
Heate.
1614
01:19:52,687 --> 01:19:54,621
He got fat.
He didn't get high.
1615
01:19:54,689 --> 01:19:56,623
He could at least
remember hisli--
1616
01:19:56,691 --> 01:19:58,886
What's g-- what's your name?
1617
01:19:58,960 --> 01:20:01,190
You don't even know--
he doesn't even know his name!
1618
01:20:01,263 --> 01:20:03,322
Get rid of him.
1619
01:20:03,398 --> 01:20:05,161
It just said �Doctor" in the script.
1620
01:20:05,233 --> 01:20:07,030
You're fired!
1621
01:20:27,022 --> 01:20:29,217
You got I D?
1622
01:20:35,230 --> 01:20:37,858
Oh, what�ll it be, Dr. Katz?
1623
01:20:37,933 --> 01:20:41,369
Martini, olives, up.
Make it dirty.
1624
01:20:53,815 --> 01:20:56,079
If you woke up in the jungle--
1625
01:20:56,151 --> 01:20:58,142
Fuck you.
1626
01:21:15,170 --> 01:21:16,660
You're late.
1627
01:21:16,738 --> 01:21:18,729
I know. I'm sorry.
1628
01:21:21,209 --> 01:21:24,736
Somebody is going to
get a span king.
1629
01:21:34,990 --> 01:21:36,355
Hello.
1630
01:21:37,425 --> 01:21:38,790
Hello.
1631
01:21:40,695 --> 01:21:42,390
H i, how are you?
1632
01:21:42,464 --> 01:21:45,900
Good. Are you the girl
that gives the hand jobs?
1633
01:21:48,036 --> 01:21:49,264
I sure am.
1634
01:21:49,337 --> 01:21:52,773
Wash your hands.
I want a cheese sandwich.
1635
01:21:53,842 --> 01:21:55,673
- No no no!
- Oh, calm down.
1636
01:21:55,744 --> 01:21:57,075
It's a -- joke.
1637
01:21:57,145 --> 01:21:59,272
Don't say that word.
1638
01:21:59,347 --> 01:22:01,542
They�ll throw us into
racist rehab or worse.
1639
01:22:01,616 --> 01:22:04,278
- For saying --?
- Yes, I've been to rehab. I know.
1640
01:22:04,352 --> 01:22:07,378
- Oh please. -- -- --!
- Stop it!
1641
01:22:07,455 --> 01:22:09,389
You know, I think
the kid has a point here.
1642
01:22:09,457 --> 01:22:11,391
Calling them -- is
a little over the line.
1643
01:22:11,459 --> 01:22:14,758
Over the Line my ass.
Why Can't we call them --?
1644
01:22:14,829 --> 01:22:17,093
-- call each other -- all the time.
1645
01:22:17,165 --> 01:22:19,963
- They're allowed to call each other --.
- Why can�t we call them --?
1646
01:22:20,035 --> 01:22:22,469
I don't know. It's some
unwritten code or something.
1647
01:22:22,537 --> 01:22:24,198
I asked my ma id a bout that once.
1648
01:22:24,272 --> 01:22:25,967
Your ma id is from the Ukraine.
1649
01:22:26,041 --> 01:22:28,066
I know.
They really hate --.
1650
01:22:28,143 --> 01:22:30,976
I think it's okay
to make fun of a --
1651
01:22:31,046 --> 01:22:32,946
As long as you don't
call hima --.
1652
01:22:33,014 --> 01:22:34,982
That doesn't make
one bit of sense.
1653
01:22:35,050 --> 01:22:37,382
- I don't make the rules.
- Well, who does make the rules?
1654
01:22:37,452 --> 01:22:40,114
I mean, Can a spic call a -- a --?
1655
01:22:40,188 --> 01:22:41,780
Can a -- call a spic a spic?
1656
01:22:41,856 --> 01:22:44,324
Depends on who's holding the knife.
1657
01:22:44,392 --> 01:22:46,986
Look look look, guys.
I don't know a bout you,
1658
01:22:47,062 --> 01:22:50,327
but I a m not having
that word in my movie.
1659
01:22:50,398 --> 01:22:51,763
Oh really? Why not?
1660
01:22:51,833 --> 01:22:53,300
- Why not?
- Yeah, why not?
1661
01:22:53,368 --> 01:22:54,494
I'm gonna tell you why not.
1662
01:22:54,569 --> 01:22:56,628
How many black people
do you see in this room?
1663
01:22:56,705 --> 01:22:59,173
Is Tupac in this room?
Is Biggie in this room?
1664
01:22:59,240 --> 01:23:01,333
They're dead.
1665
01:23:06,381 --> 01:23:07,905
Eh.
1666
01:23:07,983 --> 01:23:09,883
That's not-- my point is
1667
01:23:09,951 --> 01:23:12,852
we are not black.
If any of us were black, we could say it.
1668
01:23:12,921 --> 01:23:14,320
But we're not, so we Can't.
1669
01:23:14,389 --> 01:23:16,118
Look, if you say " Black person"
too many times,
1670
01:23:16,191 --> 01:23:17,852
people will just think
you're too scared to say --.
1671
01:23:17,926 --> 01:23:19,655
I am afraid to say --.
1672
01:23:19,728 --> 01:23:21,286
You son of a bitch.
1673
01:23:21,363 --> 01:23:24,230
Maybe there's some
half-offensive term we could use,
1674
01:23:24,299 --> 01:23:27,393
something somewhere
in between " black person" and --.
1675
01:23:27,469 --> 01:23:29,403
- "African-American."
- Thank you, sweetie.
1676
01:23:29,471 --> 01:23:31,496
Did you know if you mouth
the word "snicker,"
1677
01:23:31,573 --> 01:23:34,542
It looks just like
you're saying the word --?
1678
01:23:34,609 --> 01:23:39,046
- What good does that do us?
- All right, look, guys,
1679
01:23:39,114 --> 01:23:42,242
we need a -- joke.
1680
01:23:42,317 --> 01:23:44,251
He is rig ht!
1681
01:23:44,319 --> 01:23:47,311
He's rig ht! You know where
this company went wrong?
1682
01:23:47,389 --> 01:23:50,984
You know where all
of American comedy went wrong?
1683
01:23:51,059 --> 01:23:52,993
When we started pandering,
1684
01:23:53,061 --> 01:23:54,995
going for those cheap laughs
1685
01:23:55,063 --> 01:23:58,362
with the warmed-over,
politically-correct bullshit.
1686
01:23:58,433 --> 01:24:01,334
Our comedy used to have teeth.
1687
01:24:01,403 --> 01:24:03,997
It used to have balls!
1688
01:24:04,072 --> 01:24:07,235
And now everyone's so afraid
1689
01:24:07,308 --> 01:24:09,833
of stepping on toes,
of saying the wrong thing.
1690
01:24:09,911 --> 01:24:12,607
Well, fuck it!
We do it all.
1691
01:24:12,680 --> 01:24:14,307
Why did the faggot cross the road?
1692
01:24:14,382 --> 01:24:17,010
How many Dagos
to screw in a Light bulb?
1693
01:24:17,085 --> 01:24:20,213
We're gonna get the krauts,
the frogs, the kikes.
1694
01:24:20,288 --> 01:24:21,687
Micks, camel joc keys.
1695
01:24:21,756 --> 01:24:23,690
The macacas, the wetbacks.
1696
01:24:23,758 --> 01:24:25,726
- Ali Babas.
- Bone smugglers.
1697
01:24:25,794 --> 01:24:28,024
- Snow mon keys.
- Pencil-dickhon keys.
1698
01:24:28,096 --> 01:24:29,529
- Cripples.
- Trannies.
1699
01:24:29,597 --> 01:24:31,622
- Harelips.
- Burn victims.
1700
01:24:33,835 --> 01:24:36,235
Yes.
1701
01:24:36,304 --> 01:24:38,636
We are going to
make fun of people
1702
01:24:38,706 --> 01:24:42,437
using some of the greatest
jokes ever told.
1703
01:24:42,510 --> 01:24:44,501
And this movie--
1704
01:24:45,747 --> 01:24:48,614
this movie will go down in history
1705
01:24:48,683 --> 01:24:51,550
as one of the greatest comedies
1706
01:24:51,619 --> 01:24:55,077
the earth has ever known.
1707
01:24:57,659 --> 01:24:59,627
You've been found guilty.
1708
01:24:59,694 --> 01:25:01,628
Your movie is a hate crime.
1709
01:25:01,696 --> 01:25:03,459
Y ay!
1710
01:25:03,531 --> 01:25:06,056
Quiet in the court.
1711
01:25:06,134 --> 01:25:07,795
Are you sending us
to racist rehab?
1712
01:25:07,869 --> 01:25:09,268
Rehabs are for pussies.
1713
01:25:09,337 --> 01:25:11,965
- Where's our fucking lawyer?
- Quiet in the court.
1714
01:25:12,040 --> 01:25:13,803
- Don't tell me to be quiet.
- It�ll get worse.
1715
01:25:13,875 --> 01:25:15,137
- Don't tell me to be quiet.
- Shut up.
1716
01:25:15,210 --> 01:25:17,610
Your fucking movie is a disgrace.
1717
01:25:17,679 --> 01:25:20,079
- Your Honor, I resent that remark.
- The movie is filthy,
1718
01:25:20,148 --> 01:25:22,582
- nasty, class "A" dirty.
- Fine.
1719
01:25:22,650 --> 01:25:25,244
You should be ashamed of yourself
ma king fun of midgets,
1720
01:25:25,320 --> 01:25:29,017
black people, crippled people,
1721
01:25:29,090 --> 01:25:31,888
- burned people, Jewish people.
- Your Honor, if I may correct you,
1722
01:25:31,960 --> 01:25:34,656
- There was no burn victim, for the record.
- There was no burn victim.
1723
01:25:34,729 --> 01:25:37,027
Quiet. Somebody shut
those two crackers up.
1724
01:25:37,098 --> 01:25:38,463
Hey, I heard that.
1725
01:25:38,533 --> 01:25:41,093
- Your Honor, I object--
- Quiet. Quiet.
1726
01:25:41,169 --> 01:25:44,263
- Your Ho�Can I--
- Quiet. Quiet.
1727
01:25:44,339 --> 01:25:47,604
You're now sentenced
for 25 years in prison.
1728
01:25:47,675 --> 01:25:50,644
- 25 years?
- I figured, the worst-- seven to 1 0.
1729
01:25:50,712 --> 01:25:53,112
- That's gonna hurt.
- Please, you Can't send me to prison.
1730
01:25:53,181 --> 01:25:55,115
- Sit down, boy.
- I haven't done anything wrong.
1731
01:25:55,183 --> 01:25:56,810
I've got lots of
black friends, I swear.
1732
01:25:56,885 --> 01:25:58,375
Name one.
1733
01:25:58,453 --> 01:26:00,683
He's in Vancouver.
1734
01:26:02,190 --> 01:26:05,853
I--l-- I volunteer
at soup kitchens.
1735
01:26:05,927 --> 01:26:08,725
You've only seen the bad evidence.
You've only seen the bad evidence.
1736
01:26:08,796 --> 01:26:11,993
Just watch this last scene.
Just watch this last scene.
1737
01:26:12,066 --> 01:26:15,092
Watch it and you�ll see
what I was trying to do.
1738
01:26:15,170 --> 01:26:17,536
You�ll see that I'm a n artist.
1739
01:26:17,605 --> 01:26:18,697
Please!
1740
01:26:18,773 --> 01:26:20,263
This poor cracker's going crazy.
1741
01:26:20,341 --> 01:26:23,538
Don't send me to 25 years
in prison, please!
1742
01:26:23,611 --> 01:26:26,774
Please! Please.
1743
01:26:26,848 --> 01:26:29,339
You must be the man
from the government.
1744
01:26:29,417 --> 01:26:31,351
I heard you was
coming' down.
1745
01:26:31,419 --> 01:26:33,011
Yes, sir.
1746
01:26:33,087 --> 01:26:35,612
We're down here in Mississippi
investigating a disappearance
1747
01:26:35,690 --> 01:26:37,715
of a busload of black
gospel singers from Detroit.
1748
01:26:37,792 --> 01:26:40,818
Yep-yep, they came
through here all right,
1749
01:26:40,895 --> 01:26:42,726
about a week back.
1750
01:26:42,797 --> 01:26:45,630
There was a hailstorm-- bad.
1751
01:26:45,700 --> 01:26:47,861
They lost control of their vehicle,
1752
01:26:47,936 --> 01:26:51,235
plunged over the guard rail,
went down the embankment
1753
01:26:51,306 --> 01:26:53,672
and crashed down
at the bottom of the gulley.
1754
01:26:53,741 --> 01:26:56,642
It was terrible--
bodies everywhere.
1755
01:26:56,711 --> 01:26:59,771
- Oh my God.
- Well, you said it.
1756
01:26:59,847 --> 01:27:01,781
We couldn't handle
that kind of accident,
1757
01:27:01,849 --> 01:27:03,476
not with our little mortuary,
1758
01:27:03,551 --> 01:27:05,348
so we had a minister come on up
1759
01:27:05,420 --> 01:27:08,184
and say some words
and bless the bodies,
1760
01:27:08,256 --> 01:27:10,451
and we buried them
right there on the spot.
1761
01:27:10,525 --> 01:27:14,086
- That's just terrible.
- Oh, indeed it was.
1762
01:27:14,162 --> 01:27:16,858
It's unbelievable.
And you say they're all dead?
1763
01:27:16,931 --> 01:27:19,559
Well, you know,
some of them said they wasn't,
1764
01:27:19,634 --> 01:27:22,125
but you know how -- lie.
1765
01:27:25,139 --> 01:27:27,437
I should kick
all three of your butts.
1766
01:27:32,513 --> 01:27:36,005
Okay, 25 years is fair.
1767
01:27:37,719 --> 01:27:39,914
~ And the home ~
1768
01:27:39,988 --> 01:27:45,153
~ Of the brave. ~
1769
01:27:45,226 --> 01:27:47,660
This movie is bullshit.
1770
01:27:48,696 --> 01:27:51,290
~ Bom bom bom ~
1771
01:27:51,366 --> 01:27:55,097
~ Dip-dip
dee bom bom bom ~
1772
01:27:55,169 --> 01:27:58,832
~ Dip-dip dee bom bom bom ~
1773
01:27:58,906 --> 01:28:00,601
~ Dip-dip dee bom ~
1774
01:28:00,675 --> 01:28:02,905
~ Wah Wah Wah ooh ~
1775
01:28:02,977 --> 01:28:06,242
~ Bom bom bom ~
1776
01:28:06,314 --> 01:28:09,613
~ Dip-dip dee bom bom bom ~
1777
01:28:09,684 --> 01:28:13,245
~ Dip-dip dee
bom bom bom ~
1778
01:28:13,321 --> 01:28:15,118
~ Dip-dip dee bom ~
1779
01:28:15,189 --> 01:28:18,056
~ Wah Wah Wah ooh ~
1780
01:28:18,126 --> 01:28:20,720
~ Bom bom bom ~
1781
01:28:20,795 --> 01:28:24,822
~ Dip-dip
dee bom bom bom... ~
1782
01:28:26,668 --> 01:28:29,466
You want to make some
cheap piece of shit here?
1783
01:28:29,537 --> 01:28:30,799
Well, I have a vision.
1784
01:28:30,872 --> 01:28:33,466
And that vision is
1785
01:28:33,541 --> 01:28:37,307
since I didn't get
a guest shot on "Oz,"
1786
01:28:37,378 --> 01:28:40,438
- I'm taking my piece now!
- Oh God.
1787
01:28:40,515 --> 01:28:42,574
Do you want to see this
or the hot chicks?
1788
01:28:42,650 --> 01:28:44,777
I think this could be
much hotter.
1789
01:28:44,852 --> 01:28:46,820
Actors are whores.
1790
01:28:46,888 --> 01:28:50,221
That's the principal
foundation of this business.
1791
01:28:50,291 --> 01:28:52,225
You know, years ago
1792
01:28:52,293 --> 01:28:54,921
I got an actor
in Nashville to come--
1793
01:28:54,996 --> 01:28:56,554
oh shit.
1794
01:28:59,467 --> 01:29:02,493
In Nashville once I got an actor
to jerk off on a oatmeal--
1795
01:29:02,570 --> 01:29:04,470
oh shit, I'm sorry.
1796
01:29:04,539 --> 01:29:06,666
Here, take this.
1797
01:29:06,741 --> 01:29:08,606
- How's your mother?
- They had to amputate.
1798
01:29:08,676 --> 01:29:12,077
Oh, too bad. S--
1799
01:29:12,146 --> 01:29:16,378
I've gotta act.
I've got a job.
1800
01:29:16,451 --> 01:29:18,749
Hey, Mario, what's that--
1801
01:29:18,820 --> 01:29:20,754
I'm done.
1802
01:29:20,822 --> 01:29:22,756
Oh God,
that's the problem with you--
1803
01:29:22,824 --> 01:29:24,485
- Sorry, I got-- I'm sorry.
- I hit you.
1804
01:29:24,559 --> 01:29:27,050
I got hit right
in the face. Sorry.
1805
01:29:27,128 --> 01:29:28,254
I'm done.
1806
01:29:28,329 --> 01:29:30,263
See, that's the problem with you...
1807
01:29:30,331 --> 01:29:31,923
and with--
1808
01:29:31,999 --> 01:29:34,490
God damn it!
1809
01:29:39,574 --> 01:29:42,270
Pencil-dick hon keys.
1810
01:29:45,146 --> 01:29:47,410
Dick Cheney.
1811
01:29:47,482 --> 01:29:49,279
- You gotta keep him up.
- Oh, sorry-sorry.
1812
01:29:59,494 --> 01:30:02,952
Hello, we're from the Church
of Jesus Christ of latter Day Saints.
1813
01:30:03,030 --> 01:30:04,793
- The Mormons.
- Are your parents home?
1814
01:30:04,866 --> 01:30:07,232
What the fuck do you think?
1815
01:30:11,773 --> 01:30:13,638
Cut.
1816
01:30:17,378 --> 01:30:19,471
Holy shit.
1817
01:30:19,547 --> 01:30:22,209
Well, that's our movie for tonight.
1818
01:30:22,283 --> 01:30:24,274
Hope you enjoyed it
and come back and see
1819
01:30:24,352 --> 01:30:27,412
" Dirty Movie 2 :
Whitey's Revenge."
1820
01:30:28,589 --> 01:30:30,819
Stop.
1821
01:30:30,892 --> 01:30:32,484
You're giving me a headache.
1822
01:30:32,560 --> 01:30:34,551
Time for dinner.
1823
01:30:38,900 --> 01:30:40,868
~ Dip-dip dee bom ~
1824
01:30:40,935 --> 01:30:43,802
~ Wah Wah Wah ooh. ~
1825
01:30:43,871 --> 01:30:48,740
Do you want me to
turn my head and cough?
1826
01:30:48,810 --> 01:30:50,937
Man, that'd be kind of hot.
132906
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